Lost mum

[Mc1ronny]

My mum died last night of cancer. She was at home as she wanted and my dad, brother and I were all there.

Although I know she wanted that, and it gives me some consilation I can't get past one thing. A few nights ago she woke up in pain and was asking for it to end. She was scared and in a lot of pain. We called the doctor and she was asking him to give her a lethal dose which obviously he couldn't do. I tried to explain this to her but she was still very upset. He increased her painkiller and I went into the next room to briefly speak with the doctor and when I came back in she had gone back to sleep, and she didn't regain consiousness. The last thing I said to her was some nonsense about what doctors can and can't do and I didn't stay with her when she went under. It didn't occur to me I'd probaby never speak to her again. I was there for the next three days but it is killing me that I didn't just hold her and say I love you to each other when she went to sleep. We had already said it to each other many times, but not the last time.

Logically I know that what matters is that I was there and it meant everything for her to be home with her family, but I am really struggling with this guilt.

 

M.

[cindyjane]

Hugs .... so sorry for your loss.  Please try to let go of the guilt in not saying a last "I love you" to your mom.  I really believe that sometimes a loved one will wait until we leave the room to depart.  Maybe they feel it would be easier on us???  Also, a parent just knows that we love them, whether we say it or not and it sounds like you spoke those words to each other many times.  Your mom wouldn't want you to feel any guilt ... but rather for you to get through this and have a good life until you meet again.  And I believe to the core that we will one day be reunited with those who we've lost.

take care

Cindy Jane