Free falling

[HisLioness]

That's the only way I know how to describe this feeling. I can't wrap my head around this loss. Every plan, every promise, every goal - just ripped out from under my feet and now I feel like I'm free falling down this empty black hole and praying to hit the bottom so I can just die and fall back into his arms where I belong. I don't see this getting better or easier. I just feel numb.

[KMB]

So sorry for your loss. I understand and feel your pain. What you are feeling is completely normal. I thought I was going to die from a broken heart at first, but over 3 months later, I'm still here and breathing. You're feeling numb, that is normal also. You've suffered quite a shock. Numbness and brain fog is the body's way of protecting itself from that shock.

Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself. Screaming, crying, venting on this forum, punching pillows, do whatever you need to do. We are all on this journey together. Do you have family and friends for support? Keep posting, this is a great forum of people who will be here for you. Sending prayers and hugs to you.

[KayC]

I too am so sorry.  It does feel like a black abyss in the beginning.  Little by little we learn the unthinkable...how to adjust to "life without", what once seemed unfathomable!  As KMB suggested, please take extra good care of yourself, our self care is all the more important now.  Be patient and understanding of yourself and give yourself the same good care as you would someone you love.  I hope you'll continue to come here and express yourself, it all helps.

[HisLioness]

I lost my husband 19 days ago. He was 23. I feel like I'm stuck in my worst nightmare. I keep pretending that it isn't real and I'm just waiting on him to come home from work and then it hits me all over again like a freight train. I feel so empty and numb and broken I have no clue what I'm doing anymore everything was always about us and our plans and what we were going to do. I don't want to live in this world without him. I just want to close my eyes and see him so he can take me home where we can be together for eternity. I cannot handle the thought of being alone on this earth without him by my side  

[KayC]

Hi, HisLioness,

I'm sorry for all of the feelings you are experiencing, being new to grief is very very hard, my heart goes out to you.  You are not alone here.  Try to stay in today as much as possible, it's too hard to take on "all of the rest of your life", it's more than any of us can handle right now.  You are in that state commonly known as 'fog"...it seems shock somewhat protects us, but sometimes we feel we've lost our brains and can't think clearly anymore!  

The best thing you can do for yourself right now is take care of yourself, which means be patient and understanding of yourself, surround yourself with supportive people (you don't need the rest right now), eat something healthy, remember to drink water, take walks.  I know that sounds simplistic but sometimes we need to break it down like that.  Look forward to the day you'll be with him again, that hope keeps us going, continue to have faith in the love you've always shared, our love for each other surpasses even death of our physical bodies.

[HisLioness]

I'm practically certain my brain has been reduced to something resembling a gray slushie. I feel like he sucked everything out of me when he left and I'm just this empty shell existing here against my will. I would give anything to just roll over and curl into his chest and feel him pull me in tighter. I can't believe I'll never get to hold him or kiss him again the pain of that reality is unbearable.

[HisLioness]

I have no desire to take care of myself but I do force myself to take care of our dogs and drink fluids. Food has no taste to me and I can't bring myself to cook but I'll eat if someone makes me sit down and do it. I've been making lists of things I need to accomplish in a 6/12 hour timeframe. Thinking about all of the tomorrows without him is physically painful because it forces me to remember he's really gone. I try so hard to just lock the pain up in a box like he used to do when he'd get upset but it's so crippling when it sneaks out and sucker punches me. He was so good at blocking things out that he couldn't handle and I feel like I'm failing him by not being able to do that.

[Knhedges]

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. I'm 26, November 3 my other half got hit by a car and killed. He was 26 as well. Our first baby is due next month. I completely understand everything you have said, and I feel the same. It just doesn't make sense. How can they be here and then they're just gone? How is it even possible. How are we having to deal with a loss of this magnitude in our 20's?

I hope you have support. I have moved back in with my parents for the time being but, while they mean well, they are giving me grief for the way I am grieving, and it's starting to drive me crazy.  But they don't understand. They don't know what it feels like to lose your other half...

All I can tell you is to just let it all out.  It hurts, it hurts so much, but let yourself feel it because If you bottle it up it will hurt so much more when you finally break.  I spend a lot of time crying. A lot. I cradle his ashes and cry and ask him over and over again why he had to leave me. I carry around his favorite flannel shirt like a security blanket. I've lost 15 pounds in the past month and have just now been able to start eating one meal per day.

There is nothing I can say to help you feel any better, and I hate that... I'm just as lost as you are, dragging myself through the darkness day after day, trying to pick up the pieces of what used to be my life. 

If you ever need to talk, I'm always here. I check the forum every day. Sometimes it's the only thing that can somewhat calm me when I'm in the middle of an emotional breakdown. 

Praying for you. Praying for all of us.

[HisLioness]

I am so sorry! I cannot imagine how devastating it is to be carrying his child and not have him there with you  I am sorry your family isn't being more supportive. No one knows what this feels like until they've been there.

 

I've been staying at his grandparents house and they are thankfully very understanding. I wear his shirts and sleep in his jackets and wear his old chain with his rings on it but it's just not enough. All these pictures and videos I have feel like a tease. I beg him constantly to please give me a sign and show me he's okay but I haven't seen him in my dreams yet  I don't understand why he won't come to me. I just need to know my baby is okay and waiting for me. I feel so helpess and lost without him I truly do not know how to live without him by my side. I love him with all of my heart and I will always be his wife. No amount of time can erase the love I have for him and the promises I made to him. I will never stop wearing my ring and I will never be willing to let another man have me. No one will ever be able to love me the way he did. I miss him so much

[KayC]

18 hours ago, HisLioness said:

I have no desire to take care of myself but I do force myself to take care of our dogs and drink fluids.

That's understandable!  It does, however, give you your best possible chance of making it through this optimally.  One thing I've done is made smoothies to keep on hand, they're a good way to get nutrition in without eating.

Spinach Smoothies:  1 c. Spinach, 2 bananas, 2 c. strawberries, 16 oz. yogurt, 1/2 c. orange juice concentrate, 1/4 c. protein powder.
Kale Smoothies:  2 c. cut Kale, 2 c. sliced celery, 24 oz. applesauce, 2-3 bananas, 1 c. sliced rhubarb.

I keep smoothies in my refrigerator and drink a cup a day.  I don't usually measure so above measurements can be tweaked to your liking.

Try not to worry about the dreams, sometimes it has to do with our readiness, I don't understand it either.  I only know that it took me a year or two before I dreamed of George and I didn't get that because we were so entwined in each other's lives, we were EVERYTHING to each other!  It'll happen eventually.

[KayC]

knhedges,

That must be so hard.  I hope you'll tell your parents respectfully that while you appreciate so much all they're doing for you, you have to grieve in your own way and it's very different for everyone, there is no right or wrong way, and it doesn't end, it just changes form and evolves.  It's so important to go at your pace!  

Perhaps you can print out this article and have them read it (it's written by a professional grief counselor that has her own grief website):
http://www.griefhealing.com/column-helping-another-in-grief.htm

[KMB]

HisLioness---We understand all of your emotions---our loss is so unbearable. We understand the feelings of no desire in taking care of ourselves. I too have lost weight from not eating. I do force myself to eat a couple of small meals though. Our bodies require food and water to sustain us physically to help us cope. I know this is so hard for you! As Knhedges said---do not block out the pain, let it out. I tried that also, when it builds up and finally breaks, it's even more devastating and takes even longer to come out of. Crying gives the body a way to release some of the pressure of pain. Doesn't maker it go away, but will help in lessening it. I'm glad you are staying with his grandparents and they are being helpful and supportive. Consider yourself blessed. some of us don't have that kind of support. Have you considered grief support or counseling?

Do not worry about your husband not coming to you in dreams or leaving signs. As KayC said, that will come in time when you are ready to receive. Signs from loved ones can be very subtle. Being emotionally devastated can make us numb to everything outside of ourselves. We are so consumed internally by our loss. That will change over time. You are in deep grief, we understand. Grief is the price we pay for love. Do what you need to do for you. Wearing your husbands clothes will bring you closer to him emotionally. They'll help you in comfort. From Heaven's standpoint, your husband is proud of you for wearing his things in honor of him. I sleep with one of my husband's hats right now. Because it is winter here, I use his winter hat. The same hat he used in winter all of our years together. It smells of the oil and diesel fuel from his truck and brings me much comfort.

Please continue to take care of yourself and keep us updated. We are here for you and for each other. Take baby steps and one day at a time. Prayers going out to you.

[Sadaf Nazim]

Hislioness

Every single word that you have written,  I think it describes my feelings too. My baby was 24. I am 22. I never imagined that at this young age we would be separated. We had a relationship of friendship and love for almost like 13-14 years. And when the time came for our marriage (we were planning to have it soon) he is gone. 23-24 is the peak age of love, romance and relationships, isn't it? And it hurts so much when I see my friends with their lovers or husbands. All those dreams, in a flash it's all gone.

For now, only one thing comforts me a little bit. That I have to meet him one day. And when I do, I want him to be proud of me. I don't want him to complain as to what I did to his most precious person on earth, that's me. He would really get very mad then.

I had the privilege to be his love interest. He gave me so much love in his life that I haven't ever heard or seen a lover like him. 

I know a part of his soul resides somewhere inside me. And I will live my entire life for that.

It's tough. I know. But we have to try. One day at a time.

 

 

[Knhedges]

7 hours ago, Sadaf Nazim said:

 23-24 is the peak age of love, romance and relationships, isn't it? And it hurts so much when I see my friends with their lovers or husbands.

 

 

 

Yes. I am 26. I had my love, I have my 4 year old daughter and I am pregnant with Dylan and I's first child together. We had every plan on being together forever. Now that whole future is gone and all I can do is sit around and look at all my friends with their husbands and kids and happy lives and it sucks. I don't want to be anywhere near them because I am so jealous of their happiness, and seeing their happy little families just makes me so, so sad..

[KayC]

Also, you may be having dreams and not remembering them.  Remembering is not based on how profound it is but based on your sleep REM, which is ever changing and we have no control over.

[HisLioness]

22 days.

I went to work yesterday. I held it together, kinda. When I got in the car to leave it hit me all over again that I wasn't going home to him and I just lost it. I went back for a few hours this morning. Thursday was always my early day and his usual day off, so when I'd get home he'd have a little bonfire ready outside and we'd spend the day doing things together since we both worked so much. I cried on the drive home and begged him to please come back to me. I've been laying in bed since I got home and have no desire to do anything. I have never felt so lonely I can't do this everyday for the rest of this miserable life. I want my husband back. I want to feel him hug me and kiss me and cuddle with me. I want to hear him say I Love You. I want the love of my life back in my arms where he belongs. This cannot be my life. This was not the plan. I am so empty and broken and alone. I can't live this life without him I don't want to.

[KMB]

HisLioness----Oh, I know how you are hurting. We are going through the most painful journey of our life.  Try to take it one step at a time, one day at a time. You'll keep getting stronger. Keep praying for that continued strength.  We are here for each other. Hugs to you.

[KC81]

HisLioness, I'm 35, my wife (32, and new mom of our 2 month old baby) was missing 1.5 months ago; she was found 23 days ago after being at sea for 3 weeks.
The funeral was 4 days ago.  I'm back to part-time work yesterday.
You described my feelings so very well. 
This forum is full of good people who I find supported me so well, perhaps more supportive emotionally than some of my friends.
I suppose despite how truly helpful friends are, ultimately they don't know the pain of losing their other half, their soul mate.

Tonight I attended a 2 hour session at the funeral home, hosted by a grief counselor and a pastor.  The topic was on how to deal with the holiday season when you've just lost a loved one.  The grief counselor also lost his partner a year ago and agreed to meet with me privately to help guide me.

I'm seeing a psychologist tomorrow for our 6th session, while I also talked to a couple spiritual advisers, religious advisers (eg. in temple/tibetan monastery), even a clinical hypnotist (who relaxed me and briefly hypnotized me via Skype). I tried to connect to all the friends who tried reaching out to me.  I reconnected more with my parents, and really connected with my sibling during this process.  I will reach out to other people in similar situations in my city, while also trying to join a single-parent group / widow's support group to see how people went through it.

I think the key is to share your story.  Despite that it can hurt each time you tell the story, talking about it helps you heal.
I wanted the world to know about my wife, about our love, about our story.  I feel that that's the only way to show my respect for her, to do her justice, to extend her legacy.
I need to preserve our memories not just for myself, (but in my case for our baby son as well).

Don't close yourself off.  Talk about it : )

[KayC]

KC81, 

I wanted to hit a "like" button after your post. 

HisLioness,

Remember, the only moment you have to survive and make it through is the one you are living in right now.  One moment at a time, you will make it, even though it seems impossible.  
We often think about our surviving without them, I wonder, do they ever feel some of the things we're feeling?  Just a thought...

[HisLioness]

If I could just know with absolute certainty that he was here with me to watch and protect me I think I would be able to calm down a little. I can't even put into words how terrified I am to be truly alone. I need him. He has my whole heart and I will wait the rest of my life to be back in his arms. I just need to KNOW that he will be there waiting for me.

[Sadaf Nazim]

This question bothers me too.. Sometimes I can feel him really close to me, like he has wrapped me in his arms. My whole body shivers and afterwards there is a sense of peace in me.

I don't know whether these are just my imaginations or is he really around.

For now I calm myself by thinking that love, faith, memories these are the attributes of the soul. And the soul doesn't die. So maybe he is somewhere out there. Still loving me, caring for me, watching me. Because as much as I know him, I know his soul can't exist without loving me.

Just a possibility. 

[KayC]

It very much is a going on faith because we can't see or touch them.  Strengthening that faith can only strengthen our love.