Having a black black day

[Janice 252]

Hi to Kay, KMB and everyone else on this sad sad journey. I'm now nearly 3 months into my new life and I hate it more each day. I'm realizing I'm turning into 2 very different people. If I venture out I get dressed, put on some make up and can have a sensible conversation with friends or strangers. If I stay home it's all I can do to get out of bed. Yesterday was a black black day. I hadn't slept at all but still struggled to get out of bed . I watched rubbish tv and was so glad when it got dark at 3.30 and I was able to get ready for bed. I haven't cleaned my house properly since Bill died. It's not a mess. There's only me here so not much to do. Every time Bill cooked he left a trail of destruction in the kitchen. How I would love to have to clear that up. I've worn the same 5 or 6 outfits for the last 3 months as I really don't care what I wear  (I have washed them!) Bill was a hoarder and kept everything . I was always complaining about his "stuff" .  It's everywhere and I don't want to get rid of anything . 

I have 2 daughters whom I love dearly and both have been equally supportive to me. Unfortunately they have always had a prickly relationship. They had a big row on Thursday and it has just added to my misery. I think they were equally responsible but the younger one is in the middle of IVF so it can't have helped. Today we all went to the pantomime together but things are strained and I missed Bill so much. If he was here we would have talked and he would have had some good advice. Every minute every second of the day I miss him. Every where I look I see happy couples and it hurts so much. He should be here watching his football (he was a Raiders fan all his life -and they are doing so well this season!)  Watching our favourite tv programmes - we always recorded them and then had a marathon viewing complete with snacks. He should be swimming his daily 3 miles at the gym. He should be here researching what new skill he would teach the grandchildren. Oh how he loved those beautiful children.  He should be here -and he's not and I don't know how to live this life without him. I don't want to live this life. I will of course. There is no plan B.  But I hate it  I really really hate it. If I could go to sleep and wake up on the day I go to meet him again I would be happy. Realistically I could have another 20 years of feeling this way. How do I do that?  And right now I have to get through Christmas . Sorry for being so grim. Hopefully I'll wake up one day and think I can actually get through this.  My thoughts are with yo u all. Sending hugs x

[KayC]

I don't know, Janice, I have no answers, I feel as you do.  I hope I don't have to do more than 20 more years, I don't even want that long, but alas in my family we live into our 90s.

My truck wouldn't start yesterday, I've bought more batteries, alternator, something has to be draining the system.  I called someone, they haven't called back.  Bad snow storm coming in tonight, supposed to have that and freezing rain all week.  I'll be grounded and I need to get to an eye doctor, I have an eye infection and a bad cyst on my eye, doctor is 60 miles away, I can't drive my car in this.  When George was alive he would have fixed everything.  I'm tired of dealing with everything on my own, I feel overwhelmed and so tired.

sorry, feeling kind of down today, I know I'm not much help.

[KMB]

Sorry, KayC, sounds like we are all being dragged down by our circumstances. Might be getting the same weather system as you. It's snowing here now, getting a break tomorrow and snow in the forecast the rest of the week. It's going to be tough going it alone here, just like you.Can't imagine what would be draining your truck's system if battery and alternator are ok. The only thing I can think of is the carburetor, or maybe timing belt is due for a change. I'm not a mechanic, only remembering what my husband would have checked. Sorry you have an eye infection, that is something you need to have taken care of. I hope something works out for you.Hugs to you.

Janice, hang in there, hugs to you too.

[Janice 252]

Hi guys .I of course have duplicated my post so I'll reply on this one .Thank you. KMB. And I'm sorry you're feeling the same way. There really are no words are there? The bereavement group I went to is actually called "Beyond Words" and that is exactly what this is. Every night I thank God for getting me through another day and to please walk beside me tomorrow.  I read sometime "if God brings you to it, he will bring you through it " and I cling to that every single day. Tomorrow's Sunday and if I feel well enough I will go to church. That and my bed seem to be my only safe places at the moment. Hope we both find strength to get through the coming days. And you get through the bad weather coming your way. 

Kay. So sorry for the problems with your truck

 We are so dependent on our transport. Especially where you live. Like you I would have immediately turned to Bill.  He would have known what to do.  It is overwhelming you're right. This aloneness. Hope you get your eyes sorted soon. Sending hugs and prayers. X

 

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[MLG23]

That weather thing is a good theory! Out here it has started to get snowy and just almost a grim reminder of no more Christmases with my fiancé. As you all I'm sure feel too. KayC I truly hope you can make it to the doctor. As I want to own a ranch in the future I fear of those moments too since my fiancé was the car guy. I hope it all works out, and gets taken care of. 

Janice, the idea of getting through another day is a good step I think. Since I was a part of the traumatic event that happened, I try to think of how lucky I am to be alive. And how I am meant to go through this etc. Of course I rarely believe it, but by trying to think it I hope one day I can believe it. I hope the same for you.

[KMB]

*Beyond words*---*overwhelming*---*aloneness*---so many words that can be used to describe what we are going through. I have to force myself out of bed each day. I have to force myself to get through the day. Going back to bed early is an escape. But I can't escape my mind. So many times I think I'm going insane from my loss. I'm barely functioning, I take care of the pets, though not as well as I used to. The dog needs a good brushing. They get fed, have fresh water. I let the dog in and out. I walk around outside because I know I need fresh air and some exercise. I keep the bird feeders filled. I can barely eat, no appetite. When the stomache pains get to be too much, a banana, bowl of cereal or a microwave tray. I can't bring myself to cook. The pots, pans, dishes remind me I can't cook for my husband anymore.I could go on with all this but it's makes me more sad and anxious and it brings everyone on here to the same place. I'm sorry. Part of the healing process is to change the inner dialogue and find the reason to keep living life and be grateful that we are still here. So easier said than done, it will be a lifelong journey. God called my husband home. He learned his life lessons. I still have lessons to learn here before it is my time to rejoin him. I spent 25 years being a good wife, seeing to all my husbands needs, taking care of our home. For many of those years, I was happy, content, blessed to have a great man as my husband. I was filled with self-love, had interests, hobbies. Then, the last years, my husband's health declined. I became a caregiver, a role I took on with much love. I neglected myself, I was so consumed with giving love and care to my husband. I knew the last 2 years I was going to lose him. Nothing I could do, I felt so helpless. Now, I feel that God is giving me this time to find myself again. I won't be the same person I used to be. But, I have to learn to give love back to myself again. To somehow gain power from the love and memories of my husband and use it for myself. To find a purpose for the rest of my life. I have to forgive myself for the feelings of helplessness and frustration that I could not keep my husband here in our life. That was all in God's hands. My husband is in Heaven, free of suffering, happy and in the beautiful place of Heaven.

Somehow, I have to find my way, find myself, to be able to live the life that God planned for me, as my reward for giving myself to my husband who was a gift from God.