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Having a black black day


Janice 252

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Hi to Kay, KMB and everyone else on this sad sad journey. I'm now nearly 3 months into my new life and I hate it more each day. I'm realizing I'm turning into 2 very different people. If I venture out I get dressed, put on some make up and can have a sensible conversation with friends or strangers. If I stay home it's all I can do to get out of bed. Yesterday was a black black day. I hadn't slept at all but still struggled to get out of bed . I watched rubbish tv and was so glad when it got dark at 3.30 and I was able to get ready for bed. I haven't cleaned my house properly since Bill died. It's not a mess. There's only me here so not much to do. Every time Bill cooked he left a trail of destruction in the kitchen. How I would love to have to clear that up. I've worn the same 5 or 6 outfits for the last 3 months as I really don't care what I wear  (I have washed them!) Bill was a hoarder and kept everything . I was always complaining about his "stuff" .  It's everywhere and I don't want to get rid of anything . 

I have 2 daughters whom I love dearly and both have been equally supportive to me. Unfortunately they have always had a prickly relationship. They had a big row on Thursday and it has just added to my misery. I think they were equally responsible but the younger one is in the middle of IVF so it can't have helped. Today we all went to the pantomime together but things are strained and I missed Bill so much. If he was here we would have talked and he would have had some good advice. Every minute every second of the day I miss him. Every where I look I see happy couples and it hurts so much. He should be here watching his football (he was a Raiders fan all his life -and they are doing so well this season!)  Watching our favourite tv programmes - we always recorded them and then had a marathon viewing complete with snacks. He should be swimming his daily 3 miles at the gym. He should be here researching what new skill he would teach the grandchildren. Oh how he loved those beautiful children.  He should be here -and he's not and I don't know how to live this life without him. I don't want to live this life. I will of course. There is no plan B.  But I hate it  I really really hate it. If I could go to sleep and wake up on the day I go to meet him again I would be happy. Realistically I could have another 20 years of feeling this way. How do I do that?  And right now I have to get through Christmas . Sorry for being so grim. Hopefully I'll wake up one day and think I can actually get through this.  My thoughts are with yo u all. Sending hugs x

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Oh, Janice, you and I are both feeling the same way right now. I'm so sorry. Some days I think I can do this but there are so many days like today. People do die of a broken heart, but unfortunately, from what I've read, it's the elderly who have medical issues and the loss works on that. I don't have medical issues that I'm aware of, but my heart is clearly shattered. Life here has no meaning right now. But I know my husband would say, suck it up and move along, we'll be together when it's your turn. My only hope I cling to.

If you are religious, we're taught life has no meaning, no lessons learned if we didn't have to suffer through an obstacle of some kind. I work so hard to keep my faith that God doesn't give you more than you can bear. I kept my faith and suffered in my heart for my husband and the health issues that took him to Heaven. We were just days away that he was willing to try a different treatment that would have taken the load off his damaged heart.

Just like you, realistically, I have many more years. Don't even want to think about it. Right now, every day I claw through, is just one day closer to being in Heaven. God doesn't want us to look at it that way. This life is a gift from Him. I pray that soon He shows me the way. Hugs to you.

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Thank you. KMB. And I'm sorry you're feeling the same way. There really are no words are there? The bereavement group I went to is actually called "Beyond Words" and that is exactly what this is. Every night I thank God for getting me through another day and to please walk beside me tomorrow.  I read sometime "if God brings you to it, he will bring you through it " and I cling to that every single day. Tomorrow's Sunday and if I feel well enough I will go to church. That and my bed seem to be my only safe places at the moment. Hope we both find strength to get through the coming days. Sending prayers and hugs x

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On 12/3/2016 at 2:44 PM, Janice 252 said:

Every night I thank God for getting me through another day and to please walk beside me tomorrow.

That's something I still feel, even all these years later.  On the one hand we do adjust somewhat, but on the other hand, it's still hard.  Kind of hard to explain.  Yesterday's sermon was so good yet today I don't even remember it...partly because things going on in my life are overshadowing everything else (truck won't start, eye infection, eye cyst, home repairs I can't afford, snow/icy roads, etc.).

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Thank you KMB and Kay for being there for me -as always. Wish I could give you both a hug. Physically I still feel so weak but emotionally a bit stronger. Bill's best friend came round to see if I needed anything done (he's gay so has always been a good friend to me too . I know there's no other agenda) And I'm having lunch with my best friend on Wednesday.  Hope things improve Kay. You have so much to cope with at the moment. Prayers and hugs to you both x

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I'm exhausted, was up shoveling snow all night, slept two hours.  Halfway done...it just keeps snowing.  Boy were their predictions off!  Have about 18" sunk into half that from the weight so it's heavy, hard to lift.  Got cellphone working.  Have appt. to see eye surgeon Friday.  When I get the preauthorization I can schedule surgery.  Next order of business will be the truck.  My son said to get a jump start, let it run 1/2 hour, shut it off.  If it doesn't restart, I need a new alternator.  Iffy being able to get one put in right away.  If I can get it running my son will come Fri. night and swap vehicles with me, take it home and work on it.  He says he wants to put in a carburetor for me for Christmas.  I think he said a manual choke, haven't had one of those in 46 years, you guys have probably never driven one.  Ugh.

Sometimes just getting through the day (or night) is quite a feat!  Will have to feed Arlie and Kitty and then put on my snow clothes again and go out and do some more shoveling.  I have to take breaks often so I don't have a stroke. :)

All this serves to remind me so much how wonderful George took care of me and how much easier my life was with him as well as fulfilling.  God I miss that man!

Thanks you for the prayers and hugs, Janice!

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Hi KayC---So sorry that you are having such struggles. It's snowing pretty good here now on top of it being windy. I'm grateful I went to town yesterday to stock up. Sounds like you got a lot of snow. Just take your time shoveling. It is hard on the heart. i am worried about you. I've always done the shoveling here and my husband and his son did the plowing. The stepson works for our county highway dept. now, keeping the highways clear of snow. So I don't know who is going to plow my driveway.How are you going to get to your eye surgeon on Friday if your son isn't switching vehicles until that night? We have a couple vehicles here with manual choke, thankful my husband taught me how to use them.  Wish I was there to give you a hug and help you out. Our lives were certainly easier with our husbands here. Beyond me why God took them to Heaven when we needed them to give our love and care to and they reciprocated by loving and taking care of us. My thoughts and prayers are with you so you can get back to a place of normalcy with all that you are dealing with.

 

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Janice---Wish I could give you a hug also. Must have been heartening for you that your husband's best friend checked in on you. It certainly brings comfort when people are still willing to help when others have faded away. Hope you have a peaceful time with your best friend at lunch. Getting away from home does help. Glad to hear you are feeling emotionally stronger, whatever you are doing to achieve that, keep going. Keep trying to eat and drinking water, your body will come around also. We know this is not an easy path to travel.

Having a snow storm here right now. Feeling grateful I drove into town yesterday to stock up on a few things, esp., for the pets.I spent 12 hours in bed between last night and this morning. Not the me I used to be. Not even dressed yet, don't see the point with the snow storm. If the snow stops later, I will have to get dressed to start shoveling. It certainly sucks to having to adjust to living alone. My husband knew my strength, I hope I can make him proud that I am trying to cope here and I know God is there for me also.

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Hi KMB and Kay. I honestly don't know how you are both coping. With such bad weather with transport problems just with what you have to do to get through each day. Our weather is rarely that extreme and when it is it doesn't last for long. I'm about 6 miles from a big city with good public transport links so never feel too cut off. Your husband's would be very proud of you - the way you're coping with this new life. I'm proud of you too. Wish I was there to give you a hand but all I can do is send prayers and hugs.  Hope you get your eyes sorted Kay that's important. Me feeling better didn't last too long. Didn't sleep last night and felt so sick this morning. But it's another day over. And I know my friend will be good to me tomorrow. Nite nite x

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I shoveled snow for 12 hours, taking breaks so I wouldn't have a stroke and in those breaks I got firewood in, stoked the fire, ate, fed the animals, etc.  I was thoroughly and utterly exhausted by the time I finished shoveling and then the county plow went by and put a 8' x 3' berm all across my driveway and mailbox, and nope, I wasn't done!  I had to push myself and shovel that too.
I got someone to jumpstart my truck, let it run, then took it to the place I got the battery and had them check the charging system (which passed), brought it home, and disconnected the battery so there can be no more drain off it.  My son will come get it Friday night, the only day with rain instead of snow, sleet, or freezing rain!
My cellphone is finally back in operation, yay!
I don't know how I got through yesterday, it was a day from hell, but I put one foot in front of the other and kept going...that's kind of been my life lately.  Last night a friend called, wanted me to take them to surgery Thursday in the freezing rain!  They live 35 miles from me and the trip would be 120 miles...I declined.  I told them I won't even do that for ME!  That's why I scheduled my doctor's appt. for decent weather, not impossible roads.  I probably lost a friend, but I drove in freezing rain once and vowed I never would again.  I have to be true to myself.  They sprung this on me last minute even though they've known for a month.  I feel bad but I think under the circumstances they should reschedule.  You do not drive in the worst conditions of the year.
I've given up hoping for a great Christmas with kids and festivities...my expectations have lowered...now I wish only to have a successful eye surgery and get through it and I'll be happy with that.  George is with me in spirit and wishing he could help me in tangible ways.  
A neighbor is taking me to the eye surgeon's Friday, it's not the surgery itself, it's the pre-surgery visit.  At least the weather/roads will be passable then!

I'm sorry you're sick, Janice.  I hope you are able to get some sleep today/tonight.

You're both right, our husbands would be proud of us!  

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KayC---Wow, you sure did put in a lot of hours shoveling! And yes, it does suck when the road plow puts that berm across the driveway and mailbox. My husband would get out his tractor with a bucket on the front and plow that berm back open. I watched him many times in the past and am wondering if I could do it if I had to. Not enough snow yet but the weather news is predicting major snowfall over the weekend.

You had the courage and perseverance to get through your day from hell yesterday---something to be proud of, lifts the self-confidence level. It's a matter of gritting your teeth and like you said, putting one foot in front of the other. We have to depend on ourselves when required.

Wish you the best with your eye surgery pre-op and the surgery itself, whenever that takes place. Eyesight is so important---consider the surgery as a Christmas and New Years gift for yourself and I'm sure that George will be with you every step of the way.

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Hi Kay and KMB. How are you coping with the snow? I hope it hasn't got any worse. Still very mild here-hope it lasts. How did your eye appointment go Kay? Have you got a date for surgery?  I saw a grief counsellor today. I'm on the waiting list at a charity but the wait list is 4 months so I decided to go privately. I think it helped. Going back next week so we'll see. Then tried to do some Christmas shopping for the grandchildren but as always I'm surrounded by happy couples and I couldn't wait to get home. I will be so glad when the holidays are all over.  Keep safe you two. Sending prayers and hugs  x

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I'm scheduled for 12/21 but they still have to get the pre-auth from the insurance and they want me on Prednisone until then to see if it'll knock the cyst down."
Snow is predicted all this week.  I'm wondering when I can get groceries and Costco (120 mile round trip) with my truck out of commission.  My son still hasn't picked it up, the carburetor he was going to buy for it...the guy's wife threw it away so he has to find another one.

Other than groceries, dogfood, etc., I do NOT shop, that's what on line is for!  Like you said, it's hard to watch the happy couples...reminds me of other times which are gone now.

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