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Having a really hard time today


Knhedges

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Today makes one month that my Dylan has been gone. It hurts so, so bad. What makes it even worse is I'm stuck at work for the entire day until 6 tonight. I'm a nurse. My first day back was yesterday and I was able to completely turn off my emotions and get the job done... But today I haven't been able to. Today, my chest hurts so much. Today I just want to pick up the phone and text Dylan and tell him about how terribly my day is going and get a reassuring text back from him. Anytime I would text about a bad day he would always say "I'm sorry babe. Cuddles and back massage when you get home?"..... Now I don't even have a home.... I'm living with my parents but it isn't home. I will never have a home again. He was my home. 

 

I'm sitting in the bathroom crying as I type this. Trying to get myself together so I can go back out and get back to work but I can't. I just want to crawl back into my bed and die. This morning I kept checking my phone, but for what? There will be no messages from anyone because he was the only one I ever talked to at work. He was the only one I ever talked to in general. He was my best friend and my lover combined. 

One month. One month has passed yet it seems like 10 years. And it seems like 1 day. I don't know. Time doesn't exist for me anymore. Every day is just another day of darkness that I have to crawl through.

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I'm so sorry, Knhedges, that you're having a sad day and at work on top of it. I have those days, everyday. I don't even turn my cellphone on anymore when I have to be away from home. My husband isn't here to call me if he needed anything.

Loss of a loved one and the grief we have to go through is unbearable. I know what you mean about time---doesn't mean anything right now. I'm sitting here on this forum with a big lump in my throat along with fighting a panic attack. somehow, you and I and others will struggle to get through another day. Hang in there---prayers and hugs

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Knhedges,

I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time...I remember that time well.  I went back to work after two weeks and there were times I had to go to the bathroom and just cry.  I'm lucky my boss and coworkers were so understanding, but a few months later the company folded and the next one I worked for had not a clue.

I hope you have supportive coworkers.  It helps to let them know what to expect, or what you might need from them.  I asked my boss to check my work for a while as my brain was not operating at full capacity, and he did.  
 

right now it doesn't seem possible, but please believe me when I tell you that little by little your body will begin to adjust to the changes this means for you.  The missing them continues, as does the grief, but the grief changes form as we go through this journey.  It will not stay at this horribly heightened intensity forever, thank God, we could not take it if that were so.

You are right, time ceases to exist or have meaning anymore.  But every day that passes is another day closer until we can be together again.

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