Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

My boyfriend died in a car accident and I have no idea how to cope


iriewildflowers

Recommended Posts

  • Members
iriewildflowers

We had a rocky relationship of almost a year. I loved him fiercely and I know he loved me even though he was emotionally unavailable. We had the kind of connection described in twin flames. Electric, magical, with the ability to rise above all the earthly bullshit. I had so much hope we could make it to a healthy place. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, to merge our two families. We worked so well together as a team. Losing him has been the most excruciating pain of my life, with so many layers of torturous emotions. I am less than a week in and have no idea how to live my life. All I know is that I must, for my son. I have felt alone my whole life, except for when I was with my love. Now that he is gone the lonely emptiness is too much to bear. Very few people in my life seem to be able to offer support. My best friend lives across the country. I just feel so alone with these terrible feelings.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

So sorry for your loss. I understand the pain, loneliness, emptiness. There are good people on this forum who will offer you comfort and support. We will listen, hear, share.

You mention so few people in your life for a support system. Some people find it hard to offer comfort, they don't know what to say, they don't know how to help.  Do you have access to a grief support group in your area? Hospices and churches have them. Grief counselor agencies? You have a son who depends on you. As his mom. you will find the inner strength to keep going. One day at a time, even if it's minute by minute.

You are not alone, even though it feels that way. Prayers and hugs to you and your son.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

I agree with KMB's suggestions.  I am so sorry for your loss.  Your speaking of: 

2 hours ago, iriewildflowers said:

I have felt alone my whole life, except for when I was with my love

That's how it was with my husband and I too.  I assure you that the love continues still, he is just out of reach for a time.  I know it's hard to adjust to, it's hard to even process, it took me a long time to, but I have learned to continue and you will also...I'm glad you have your son.  I also have my best friend across the country now, but fortunately, she's a phone call away.  I hope you will try a support group, there are others going through the same things that understand.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

My boyfriend died in a car accident a couple years ago. Right now, it's probably best to just let your feelings happen. If you need to distract yourself, do that. If you need to look at pictures of him and cry for a few hours, do that. For you, it's still so fresh, so just give yourself the space to process everything when you can. If it's an option for you, don't be afraid to ask for help, especially with caring for your son. I completely understand feeling alone in this situation, but you're not, at least not on this website. You'll adjust to the reality eventually, but don't expect too much from yourself right now. Try to just ride the waves for as long as you need to.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
iriewildflowers

Thank you all for your supportive words and suggestions, it means a lot. Today my mom told me that my son said he feels like I don't care about him anymore. She was a little too firm in telling me that I need to pull through and be there for him. Her lack of understanding was hurtful. Its been less than a week and all I can manage to do has been just getting by. Eating is a chore, being alive is a struggle, not that death is an option, but thats part of the struggle, not being able to escape. I did try and reassure my son (who is 6) that I love him but am going through a really hard time and it will take time for me to be back to my old self. I don't think I will ever be who I was but I just hope I can turn that into a positive thing, not lose myself entirely to depression which I have struggled with for as long as I can remember. Moving to an isolated island during the coldest, darkest part of the year makes it harder. The only way living here was ok was the future plans I had with my love. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
6 hours ago, iriewildflowers said:

Eating is a chore, being alive is a struggle, not that death is an option, but thats part of the struggle, not being able to escape.

I truly understand what this means. I have been going through this too. It's been 4 weeks almost. Still it seems like my world has stopped with his breath. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
15 hours ago, iriewildflowers said:

it will take time for me to be back to my old self. I don't think I will ever be who I was 

You are right, we are not ever the same again.  That's not necessarily negative, we are just changed by this.  Some of those changes seem detrimental to our lives, in that the joy we shared is changed, but we have now a heightened sense of compassion and awareness that life is a gift to be savored rather than taken for granted.  I don't think this comes to us immediately, but through the process of our grief journey.

For those new to grief, the everyday task of eating and drinking water and tending to mundane paperwork, paying bills, etc. seems like we have lead in our shoes, we must force ourselves to plod on...in time we will tend to these things without as much effort as it seems to require now.  If we have someone supportive around it can truly help.  My daughter returned home for a while when my husband died, she followed me around handing me water or some food, asked me to go for a walk with her, etc.  That helped as I really could not even think at that time.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

You have us here. I still love and miss my husband so much. He passed away last month from complications with Leukemia. I have a friend now who I call and speak to sometimes as her husband is on life support from going into a cardiac arrest. And that same friend her step brother just passed away possibly from murder. It's so new so it's still in the process of investigation. 

Life is so short. The one thing you can always cherish is the love you had for one another. I look at photos of him on his facebook, instagram, and snapchat. I share memories on his facebook page. I hug our 3 year old and kiss her a lot. It is tough and no one will no exactly how you feel who hasn't gone through the loss of a significant other. Ignore those who don't help in anyway and surround yourself with those who do, even if it means going online just to let it out. We're here for you. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

So very true, Chasisdope. Cherish the love and memories, it is all that is left to us. Use that love bond that never dies to keep somehow going on. I often wonder how I keep waking up each day, and waking is an understatement. Sleep is so elusive. I am unable to shut my mind down and relax. Sleep aids do not work for more than an hour. I lay there, tossing and turning, consumed by my loss and this new reality. My heart is so broken, no meaning, no motivation for anything. *Life is so short*----Yes, I used to believe that. That's why my husband and I spent our years being productive, enjoying what we could of life while working as a team. We had both endured loss of relatives and friends.Eventually, those losses became good memories. But the intimate, physical loss of a significant other is so much more unbearable.The pain is unrelenting. Life became short for my husband. When his health went into decline, he always would say that he had had a good life. That he had gotten to do everything he had wanted to do. He is free now, free of the suffering of his physical body. Free of the sadness and disappointment that he couldn't keep doing what he loved to do. I so wished for him to be free of the suffering and physical limitations while he was here. It all could not be turned around, no matter how much strength, love and care I gave him. I felt so helpless and powerless. I know I need to forgive myself for God was in control. *Life is short*---those words have no meaning right now, because in my grief, life is not short enough. I keep wondering why I haven't left this life of a broken heart. The days and nights crawl by endlessly right now. I know my husband wants me to keep going, live life for him. I'm hoping someday that will come true.One day at a time.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

When we are in tremendous pain, life is not short as every second of it feels like eternity. That's how I always feel and I hate waking up from my sleep to realize all over that my husband has already gone. I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes when I talk to him out loud when I'm driving alone. Sometimes, I get so angry and get bitchy with him for leaving us and for all the drama that's still existing even though, he'd already passed. I'm living as if, I'm here to fulfill my duties because I have children. There is not that joy that we have when we were with our spouse. It's just not the same and I can never understand why it had to be my husband. Why me is what I always still come to question.

One thing, I made sure to do was purchase life insurance on myself in the event death comes, my kids would be alright. Something my husband didn't get a chance to do because he was only 20 when he was diagnosed with Leukemia. He started a new job and was heading that direction but got sick too soon.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

 I question*why my husband*? Why so soon? He lived a good, decent, productive life. He made good use of his time here, always helping people.But maybe that answers the *why*. God's plan for him was done. I realize now, that the majority of my grieving is my own selfishness.My wanting him and our life back. My husband had been stoically suffering with medical issues for a long time. His body was worn out, he was tired. As much as I miss him and our togetherness, it would be selfish on my part for him to still be here, still  suffering for an even longer time because I didn't want to let go. I don't feel we are supposed to question the *whys*. This is life. Physical bodies are meant to die. Personal loss such as this is unbearable. God still has a plan for me. Hopefully, in time, I can get through this tunnel of darkness and emptiness and fulfill God's plan so I can rejoin my husband.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

KMB, I think it's common to question, "Why me?" but I've never heard a resounding answer.  "What now" may be more productive but still it's hard to find an answer, it takes more time and effort to figure out the response to that than I can say.

Chasisdope, I, too, have tried to have everything in order so my kids won't have such a mess to deal with when I die.  My goal is to get my home paid off so they can take their time selling it and cleaning it out, but I have 16 more years to go.  I guess that's one thing I live for.  The other goal I have is to give my furry kids a forever home and take good care of them the rest of their lives.  Beyond that, I don't have a lot of goals other than making it through this day and giving back to others.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
9 hours ago, KayC said:

KMB, I think it's common to question, "Why me?" but I've never heard a resounding answer.  "What now" may be more productive but still it's hard to find an answer, it takes more time and effort to figure out the response to that than I can say.

Chasisdope, I, too, have tried to have everything in order so my kids won't have such a mess to deal with when I die.  My goal is to get my home paid off so they can take their time selling it and cleaning it out, but I have 16 more years to go.  I guess that's one thing I live for.  The other goal I have is to give my furry kids a forever home and take good care of them the rest of their lives.  Beyond that, I don't have a lot of goals other than making it through this day and giving back to others.

 

It's very helpful, the way you've put it... "What now?" Now, I can replace that with the whys and maybe I can function just a little better in terms of getting on with handling day by day things for my children.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Chasisdope & KayC---Day by day is so exact---don't know how I am doing it. Right now for me, the motivator are my pets. I just realized this morning that I wrote the wrong date on checks for a couple bills I paid and for a few groceries. I've been making mistakes like that, that I've normally never done. Most times I don't even remember what day it is, until the weekend is here. Every day is tough, but the weekends are extra lonely.

My goal---to downsize and get rid of the excess clutter and get my financial affairs in order. I want to make things as easy for the rest of the family as possible. My husband made things easy for me as well, God bless him. Since we were so compatible in many areas, he would want me to do this. We all know so well that there are no guarantees with this life.

But for now, because I am so emotionally chaotic, I do not have the motivation to do anything. I keep praying to God to give me what I need to someday find the will to push through this devastation of my reality. One day at a time.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
On 12/6/2016 at 9:03 AM, KMB said:

Right now for me, the motivator are my pets.

It still is for me after eleven years!  The pets George and I had are long gone now and I have different ones, but they are my family and my life.  I keep going for them.  I don't think I can ever get down to no pets, it would not be healthy for me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I feel the same as you, KayC---without pets it would be unhealthy for me. My current pets are getting on in years. Not looking forward to a future without them. Could not handle another loss right now. My husband knew me and my love for animals. We have always had one or two pets in our life. I'd like to think that when the time comes,in the future, my husband will send me, in some way, another pet that would be just right for me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

I think he will, at least that's how it worked out for me.  

When George died, his cat Tigger hung around for a couple of months, then took one long hard look at me as if to memorize me, then turned and left.  I never saw him again.  He'd only hung around to see if George would come back.  He was more his cat than mine, we picked him out together, but he'd play with him while I fixed dinner and hold him while we watched t.v. A year after George died, our cat King George (I had him before we met, he was 19 years old) passed away, he had cancer.  Then three years after George died, our dog, Lucky died.  A few months after George passed, I got Chappy (cat), but only had him a couple of years and a cougar got him.  About a year after George passed, I inherited Kitty, she's 20 now.  It was shortly after that I adopted Arlie (dog).  So now I have one dog and one cat.  

I don't ever want to be without an animal to take care of because they help keep me going.  After all, I can't ever give up if I have someone depending on me!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Pets keep me going too, KayC. For some reason, I can't function without a pet to take care of. I have to feel needed by a pet, just feel needed ,period. When my husband, Ed, and I had to make the decision to have our previous dog, Jake, euthanized in May of 2005, due to kidney failure, we grieved together. Jake was such a good companion dog for the lifestyle we had at that time. I did not realize until later that day, that it was also Ed's and mine anniversary. That anniversary had not even been on my mind because we had put Jake as our focus. He had just spent 3 days at the vet clinic, being hooked up to IV to have his kidneys flushed. Discussing with the vet about a special diet, trying to buy time. Wasn't meant to be. i didn't want another dog after that. Why have pets when they usually have a short life span and anything can happen to them? After we buried Jake, I would spend my days looking out windows and the doors looking for him. At night, i would lay awake, waiting to feel him jumping on the bed because he had preferred sleeping right in between Ed and I. In the few months following, my husband got an infection and had to have surgery. Even though I wasn't sure if I wanted another dog, I brought home our current dog, JT ( short for Jake 2). I brought him home for Ed, hoping a puppy would lift his spirits, keep him company and bring him joy and speed his recovery. It all worked. JT is showing his age now, along with arthritis, but he is now bringing me comfort since my husband's loss. Would not know where I would be now if I wasn't needed to take care of JT and our cat, Squeaks.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

I understand.  I usually take a time to mourn a pet before getting another, but since I have both a dog and cat, am never completely alone.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.