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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
stillbroken

Watched Father Die

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Watched my father dying of a heart attack when I was 14 and he was 51.  Tried to help him, but in vain.  It was beyond horrible, easily the most dreadful thing I have ever experienced,   I have struggled to push forward in life in spite of it, growing up with a cold and distant mother in the aftermath as well.  I've been married to an exquisitely beautiful and wonderful woman for over thirty years, in spite of the pain and hell I have caused her far too often.  I have two impeccably fantastic sons, ages 24 and 28.  I finished high school with a 3.8 GPA, graduated from University of Virginia with Distinction on a financial need/academic scholarship, graduated with honors from computer school, and have persevered for thirty-five years in a career field totally unsuited for me.  We have less than two years before our mortgage is paid off, and five years maximum before we both retire.  Sometimes I wonder how I've managed to do it, and sometimes still wonder if I can see things through- like today, when I am in the midst of a debilitating depression.  I know very clearly why I've been so wretchedly dejected and depressed for so much of my life, why I suffer PTSD in some situations, but that's been of little help.  Sometimes I feel like just driving off somewhere, taking a hike to a beautiful location, sitting down, and just gradually dying.  There is so much I want to do in life, so many important and significant things I feel motivated, driven, compelled, and uniquely able to accomplish.  But the hole inside me just gets bigger all the time, and gradually eats away at all of those things like a caustic acid.  I don't know what to do, and I desperately wish I could figure it out.

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Stillbroken,

I am certainly no expert, but it is really important that you go get professional help for dealing with the trauma that has so impacted you. It doesn't matter how long it's been. Just go talk to someone and see what expert advice is out there. 

We will be here with you,

ModKonnie

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I witnessed my stepdad died when I was 17 I was 7 months pregnant and I knew cpr but stupid pregnancy brain wouldn't let me remember so I called 911 and it took them 45 minutes to come just to pronounce him dead I'm sorry for your loss it's hard

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I watched my father walk into the hospital in March and died in a hospice bed at home one month later and for those 31 days I slowly washed a strong man that I looked up to my whole life slowly wither away to a bag of bones and listen to him moan every night in pain with a chest tube in his side the day he died he woke up and somehow that chest tube wasn't in them and his chest slowly filled with fluid until he couldn't breathe anymore and he died I had to help carry my father's body out of the house I was the one who closed my father's eyes like in a bad Western and that is scarred me for life I've had some of the worst nightmares waking up screaming because of things I've seen in my dreams some of that stuff you don't ever get over and now most recently I lost all three of my siblings one brother and two sisters within 9 months my first sister last April my brother in July and now my last sister in January I'm only 43 years old and I have nobody left so believe me I know what loss is and believe me I feel your pain I just hope you don't ever have to feel mine

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