Searching the meaning of life

[Sadaf Nazim]

Hi everyone 

I was with this wonderful person for last 13 years, and my every focus was this person. To please him, to be with him, to love him, to fight for him..Even if I studied, I studied for him. When I was doing a job, I did it so I could spend my money to be with him, to buy him something, to go to some place with him. Every time I learnt something new, it was to show him, to tell him, 'look sweetu what I learned '. Every time I bought a new dress I bought it to show him how nice it would look on me. There are numerous uncountable things like this. 

Suddenly when he is gone, I feel like I m left purposeless. His death was so unexpected that he didn't even get the time to tell me what I should do after him. My whole life from childhood to adulthood revolved around him. He was my best friend, my lover, my guardian, he was like my dad to me, he guided me through everything. He cared for me like a mother. Like a brother he fought for me and protected me.Like a sister he listened to me, my every problem. Like a romeo he waited all night outside my house just to have my one glance. He loved me when I thought him just as a friend. He loved me when I hated him, fought with him over silly things . And he loved me even more deeply when I too started loving him. I had my whole family,my whole world in this person. And now I am thinking what is the purpose of my life. I wasn't married to him, I don't have any of his kids to focus on. All I have are his memories. 

I am looking for inputs. I am sure many of you would have gone through a similar situation like mine. Maybe even worse. Suggest me some things or better if you could tell me how you dealt with this it would help me figure out how I should. 

 

[KayC]

Sadaf,

It is the hardest thing in the world, no one specific answer, it's different for everyone.  It varies because our personalities, our coping skills are different, our relationships are different, and so it is that each of us must work out our own grief.  My husband was everything to me.  It seems we'd spent our life waiting for each other, not realizing it until we met.  Our hearts clicked, we were a perfect match, that perfect fit, we understood each other, our communication was so perfect with one another.  We were each other's everything.  When he died, it was such a shock!  I felt the world spinning and getting far away, I couldn't comprehend it, I didn't see how I could live without him.  How could I do another forty years without him!  I learned to focus on what IS rather than what ISN'T.  I learned to stay in the present moment and not try to take on the whole rest of my life, which was too overwhelming and invited anxiety.  I worked hard at my grief.  I saw a grief counselor, I did art therapy, I read books on grief, watched videos, joined a grief forum where I've been active since.  I wrote letters to him. I built a sort of shrine to him in my bedroom, with huge collages of pictures.  I still have his bathrobe hanging on it's hook and a hat hanging where he left it.  I know he's not coming back, I just feel more comfortable with traces of him around.  This place is his too, always will be.  Finding purpose?  That took way more time.  In the early years I was busy working, taking care of things at home, and always I had pets to take care of.  When I retired, is when I had to really work at building a life for myself...suddenly I had days on end with no job to occupy my time.  I did volunteer work, I'm Church Treasurer, I help at the senior site twice a week, I'm in the community choir, I'm on the praise team, so practices, etc. keep me busy.  I have time at home that I didn't when I was working, but I have a routine, that helps.  I began to learn self-care.  All of my pets are different now than the ones we had together.  I can't see myself without having someone to love and take care of, so I'll probably always have a dog and/or cat to care for and love.  I want to be there for people who are grieving.  I spend a couple of hours on the sites every day, I check them every morning.  My heart especially goes out to those new in grief.  I want everyone to know they are heard and understood.  I feel that's so important when you're in the throes of grief.  I've had people ask me, "Isn't it depressing, visiting grief every day?"  I don't think of it like that.  I think, I know what it feels like, I've been there, I AM there, I don't want anyone going through it alone.  This has become my purpose, this, the senior site, my pets, my church, they fill my life now.  They are what I get up for now.

In the early years I didn't know what my purpose could be, it'd always been George, ever since I met him.  I learned to look for joy in the little things...I'd lost my big joy (George), but I made a mental note every night, what good had been in my day?  Sometimes I really had to look.  Perhaps it was a phone call, maybe someone held open the door for me, maybe a driver let me merge in traffic, perhaps a rainbow, seeing deer or elk in my back yard, hearing a kitten meow, or petting a puppy.  All of these things are good and not to be diminished in any way.  They may not be huge, may not last long, but they're good...and if you stay in the moment, you can learn to appreciate them as they come your way.  It changed my focus, changed my attitude, enriched me from merely looking back at what I'd lost, to feeling good about life again.  It didn't happen overnight, it was the practice of it that brought changes to me.

[KMB]

Sadaf--I am sorry, I feel your pain. It hurts I know. I had 25 years with my husband and he was my purpose also. Everything I did, my every thought, was intertwined with him, with us.I believe in God and Heaven. God is taking care of my husband now. It was his time to go back to Heaven. I don't know what my purpose is here now either. I know God has a plan for me, and in time He will show me the way. I have the love, memories. I have what my husband taught me and everything he gave of himself to guide me along the way also.

Remember your loved one is walking with you, always there in spirit. Prayers and hugs to you.

[Sadaf Nazim]

KayC 

You taught me one very good thing that take one moment, one day at a time. Earlier I used to think how will I live the rest of my life without him? I am 22, people live in my country till their 80s. Calculating the days and years which I had to spend alone I became very anxious and I felt like breaking and smashing every damn thing including myself. 

Now, I think of it like this. Today I will just love him. And tomorrow, well, I may be with him tomorrow. Who knows?  Only God knows that. 

Kmb

You said our loved ones are walking with us. It's very comforting. I would love to feel that he is watching me, he knows how much I love and miss him. He knows what all I have gone through after he was gone. Perhaps one day I could meet him and tell him all this.

[Sadaf Nazim]

Right now I am unable to focus on anything. All day passes just sitting on one place thinking how did all this happen. It seems like a terrible dream. Like someone is going to shake me and wake me up from this dream. 

I know I won't give up. I am not that kind of person. But it will take some time to accept this harsh truth and focus on other good things  in life. God willing, I will get there. 

Thank you for sharing your stories. 

[KayC]

12 hours ago, Sadaf Nazim said:

Today I will just love him. And tomorrow, well, I may be with him tomorrow. Who knows?  Only God knows that. 

That's good.  They say most of what we worry about doesn't come to pass.  The worst has already happened so I look at it like anything good that comes along is a bonus.  I too like to think of them being a breath away.

[KMB]

Sadaf---How are you doing?  Hugs to you

[Sadaf Nazim]

Hi KMB, 

I am doing fine. Thank you so much for asking. Even though we have never met and are miles apart, it feels very comforting that someone out there understands and cares. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Although life will never be the same again, I am trying to be little bit normal again. I try to think what would he like me to do and I do that. I am trying to make myself the girl that my sweetheart loved, praised, admired and idealised. So that one day when I meet him, I could say him looking in his eyes, without any hesitation, that I love him and I fulfilled all my promises done to him.

This is the only goal of my life now.

Lots of love to you Kmb.

[KMB]

Hi Sadaf---Your right, life as you knew it, will never be the same again. In time, it will get easier. You will carry your love with you throughout your days. Your goal is admirable and one that we all incorporate to carry us through. Live your life like what you think your love would like for you to do and also what you want to do. Blend your love together and live a life of compassion and giving so that when you are reunited in Heaven, he will be proud of you. You are more grounded in this journey than I am, I admire your courage.

Prayers, love and hugs to you-----

[Sadaf Nazim]

Thank you Kmb.

[KayC]

Our lives may never be the same again here, but our love continues and I have hope that we will be together again and all of the struggles we go through here will be past.

It IS nice knowing there are those here that understand and care!