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I need help


Sadaf Nazim

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Hi all

I have been trying a lot to comfort myself,  I have been writing, doing chores, reading.. But still nothing helps. My heart sinks. God. I just want to hug him. I want to touch him. 15 days before his death he told me he wanted to see me. But I declined because I was having some issues regarding my studies. I thought we could meet after some time. I didn't know I will never be able to see him again in this life. If only I could bring back the time. If only I could hold him for once. I feel so guilty of doing this. It's killing me.He loved me so much. He would have felt so bad when I declined. 

I don't know how to deal with this. Please give me some advice. I have no person I can talk to. For 3 days I haven't talked to anyone verbally. 

 

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Sadaf---Even though I'm hurting too with my loss, I hurt for you and everyone on this forum. We are human and our suffering of loss cannot be avoided. It will make us stronger as each day goes by.  I hope you have family and friends to talk to. You mention you haven't talked to anyone for 3 days. I'm sad for you because I can relate. I want to be around people, but only those who understand, but at the same time I want to be left alone. So many emotions constantly swirling in my mind. It is helpful to try to keep busy, find something else to focus on, get out of your own head for a time. Engage with other people and focus on them. Easier said than done of course, I know. I battle with it every day.

Last night I read a book, *Looking into the Windows of Heaven*. The author, a medium, has the ability to talk to our loved ones in Heaven and spends her life bringing comfort and messages of healing to us here. Heaven is all around us, and our loved ones are around us also. We just can't see or hear them. Talk to your loved one, in your mind, if an answer comes right back, that is him answering you. Talk out loud, he can hear you. Our loved ones want us to go on with life, as we are meant to, until it is our time to go to Heaven and then we will be reunited.

There are really no words that can take away our pain, it is something we are meant to work through ourselves. Keep coming back here to post. We share in this together.

Prayers and hugs to you

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I'm dealing with something similar; because of my grandfather's hospitalization and death I didn't have much time for my girlfriend during her last month.  Our very last interaction was her asking if I had time to hang out with her that day, and me telling her no because I wanted to check on my father.  Wrong choice.  My father is still here, she's not.  And maybe if I'd chosen differently, if I'd been there, she'd still be alive.  The guilt is overwhelming.

And I know this is hard, I'm failing at it myself, but you can't focus so much on this one choice you made.  I've seen your posts, it's abundantly clear how intensely you loved him, he had to know that.  Like you said, you didn't know this would happen.  You had no way of knowing, and made the best decision you could with the information you had.

I'm sorry, I know that is probably not helpful.  People have said similar things to me and, while a small part of me knows that it's true, the rest of me can't let go of the fact that I wasted my last chance to spend time with her, to show her the love she deserved at a time when (despite the fact that she gave me nothing but support) she must have already felt neglected.

Life can be cold and cruel, sometimes decisions made with the best of intentions turn out horribly wrong.  You can't blame yourself for that.

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Gonz---You shouldn't feel guilty. You had no way of knowing. You were doing the best you could and dealing with life at that moment you made your choice to see your father. It would not have changed the outcome. When God calls someone to Heaven, none of us have a choice to change that.Your loved one knows you love her. It is said that when we go to Heaven, the only human emotion we carry with is love. All other human emotions, negative feelings are left behind, Heaven is filled with love and peace.

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Thanks gonz and kmb

It's so nice to think that they will carry our love from heaven. I hope they realise how much we love them. And I will try to focus more on others than on myself. 

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Sadaf---We are here to live the life God planned for us. Besides enjoying this life and our relationships, etc., we are also given lessons to learn from our choices, experiences, and the people who come into our life. Our reward for going through this life is the peace and unconditional love in Heaven.

Also, take care of yourself. Your life has value, your loved one you miss taught you that.

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50 minutes ago, Sadaf Nazim said:

I hope they realise how much we love them.

This is the most important thing in the world to me now.  I know that she knew, when she was alive, that I loved her.  I don't think she knew how much.  It is my greatest hope that she is out there somewhere and can finally see it.

50 minutes ago, Sadaf Nazim said:

And I will try to focus more on others than on myself. 

Focusing on others is an admirable goal, but please do focus on yourself for now.  You need it and deserve it.  Only try to be kinder to yourself and more forgiving of any little mistakes you may have made.

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3 hours ago, Gonz said:

you didn't know this would happen.  You had no way of knowing, and made the best decision you could with the information you had.

When those nagging guilt feelings raise their ugly heads, we must tell them this, you made the best decision you could with the information you had.  It's common to feel guilt when we lose the one we love.  We rethink everything on that last fateful day.  The truth is, we loved them and would have done nothing to hurt them or to separate us from them.  Have you taken the time to go to the links I've posted on guilt?  If not, I hope you will do so, here they are again:
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/03/in-grief-coping-with-moment-of-death.html

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