my dad has died

[100440]

He died a week ago ,the funeral was two days ago and my world has changed, I am lost, I am in pain. I cannot understand or control this terrible consuming loss. I cry until I cannot cry anymore, I feel a Knott in the pit of my stomach that I cannot move, i remember everything in detail over and over those images wont leave me, he's gone and I remember and the process starts over. Where has he gone,? Was he in pain? Did he hear and see us at that moment ? Was he afraid? Did he want to come back? Did he really want to ho? My mind spins, my stomach flips, my heart races, I catch my breath, I pinch myself to control all the emotions, I shout for him and nothing, he has gone and now silence, then it all starts again. And above and below all of this I cannot understand or allow the thought of never ever seeing him again, so final. What is all this for....

[ModKonnie]

I am so very sorry. It's so hard to deal with at first. You are doing the right thing by crying and reaching out to others. For now, until the sharp, agonizing pain and panic fade a little, try to just get through a little at a time. Don't think about forever. Don't even think about next week. Just get through today. Take care of yourself, and talk to people as much as you can about how you are feeling. 

We will be here with you,

ModKonnie

[sparkscharlotte951]

My therapist thought it was a good ideal for me to get on this website to talk about my father dying. I am generally a private person but I am finding it hard to grieve the loss of my dad. My dad passed away in May actually May 25, 2016 and it was very sudden. I seen your post and it seemed eerily similar to what happened to me. My dad was supposed to be getting a lung transplant by the end of summer this year but something went wrong at one of his tests and he ended up in the emergency room. By the time I knew what was going on he was intubated and on kidney dialysis for an infection that had turned into sepsis. This happened over night and I got a phone call at 5:29 in the morning telling me my dads heart had stopped and they were doing chest compressions. They asked me how soon could I get to the hospital and by the time I got there he was gone. I didn't get to say goodbye to him and there is a lot of things that were left unsaid and so now I am seeing a therapist for all of the nightmares and regret and anxiety and many other things that are going on with me. My therapist says I am in denial and that I haven't accepted his death and I think she is right because it still doesn't seem real to me. As I was picking out the casket and flowers and choosing what kind of service I wanted to have all I kept thinking is that this is not happening. I felt like I am in a dream and this isn't real. Now it is the holidays and it is feeling very real. Anyways I just wanted to share my story with you and let you know that you are not alone.

[100440]

First of all may I say thank you, thank you for sharing your very personal thoughts and for your kind words.

It seems I am writing about someone else's grief and not mine. It hits me hard and I don't know what to do with myself, I have an urge to scream or move, anything to keep my mind active so there is no room for me to think about my dad. This is not to forget dad but to build a wall for survival, an aid for protection, a cushion  to fall on or scream into.... anything that stops the pain.

I cry out and at times and there are no tears and then they flow like a river. A song, or a comment on TV, a photo, food, a smell, I have even thought oh i will get that for dad!

Anything triggers the feelings and brings it all back and I start over, blocking it all out, its a fight a nightmare and I am awake!

I stand at his grave, flowers starting to fade, and can't get my head around that my dad, my strength, my friend, my rock is in there, is never coming home, I pray I will wake up....but I am awake!

The loss I feel is so great I cannot cope with all the deep pain so I turn off , a little each day.

I was with my dad at the end, I saw each and every breath, I heard every word , I held his hand , I told him I loved him, I even said its OK for him to go but at that moment, at that exact time, he looked straight at me, through me, into me , a look I will never forget, I saw him leave ...and it has not helped my pain.

I am happy we were there for him of course, but all I see, each day ,is that last look, I hear that last breath, it was so final, so surreal, so cruel, so  many questions....

I hold on to the hope time really will help, and that time filters all the pain and loss and leaves only smiles from the many wonderful memories we shared. Until that happens I will take one day at a time, no more no less, good days and bad.

I know I will never be the same person as I was before, I am changed forever. Plus I see life in a very different light, the reasons, the why's, the where's, the when's, the whats, the I needs, the I wants.....they all melt into insignificance, into meaningless time consuming  waste.....life is so fragile, so short, so easily removed, I am going to try and enjoy only the important things from now on. What will be will be.

 

 

[cindyjane]

Hugs 100440 ... I am so sorry for your loss.  My heart goes out to all who come here.  Losing a parent has got to be the toughest thing I have ever gone through.  It was only when I went through such a loss that I could really truly know how others felt/feel with such a loss and it stings.  Let me reassure you that time really is a healer.  As time went on for me after losing my parents my heavy heart lightened.  I still feel sadness when I think about my mom and dad but that is because I miss them every single day.  I find that now, that sadness quickly turns into feelings of gratefulness for having them for parents.  So yes, time does heal us.  

I too was with my dad when he took his last breath and I find that to be a gift from above.  As hard as it was to see him go, I am glad that I was there.  I love that you told your dad that it was OK for him to leave.  I said the same thing to my dad and it was at that moment that he took his last breath.  I believe to my core that he needed to hear those words.  I think he was hanging on because he was concerned about my siblings and I and knew how difficult him leaving us would be.  

Something that helped me get through those raw and difficult feelings is that Jesus Himself comes to takes us home when it is our time.  HE says so himself ... John 14:1-4.  These words of HIS brought me the comfort that I so badly needed.  Since then, I spend time reading the Bible and as I read I came to realise that I will be seeing both of my parents again when it is my turn to go "home."  It brings me comfort to know that we will be reunited with our loved ones again.  

Hang in there and let the tears flow ... tears are also very healing, and remember you are not alone.

Take care

Cindy Jane

[pameladalby]

To 100440 -  I am so sorry to hear about your loss.  I too am struggling.  My Father passed on November 8th and I am simply devastated.  We were close and I was told he had 5-6 months left .... so sad right now.  We used to talk every day ... He had cancer and was having trouble swallowing and went to emergency and deteriorated very quickly.  I was having surgery in a city a few hours away and came as quickly as i could but by then he was already slipping in and out of consciousness.  I was able to get a few moments with him but it was brief and so terrible ... he was confused, in pain ... the particular location he was in (hospital) seemed to be pushing him to death (rather than supporting life) ... I basically wanted to die myself.  I was advocating strongly for IV saline, for IV food, etc ... wtf were they doing .. sigh ... sorry ... not doing well myself.  Certainly would've cut off my arm if i thought it would make him better ... Still can hear those conversations in my nightmares/dreams ... So painful.   

 

Anyways, I found this website and wanted to let you know that you aren't alone.  I am here and I am hurting every day ...

 

Pamela

[100440]

hello , I am crying so hard right now, for my dad and for you and your pain.For everyone who finds themselves in this dark,sad lost world of grief.  I cannot bear this process, it does not get easier it is getting harder, I loose my breath if I allow the sadness in, I cannot comprehend the real truth, that dad is never coming home!!  This is just too raw, too cold,too much to deal with.

I have asked myself, if I had said, if I had done, if dad had been else where, if I pushed, if I had insisted, maybe ,if ,what....everyday, every minute I torture myself with all other possibilities that could have saved him, kept him,held onto him for longer.

I spend hours going over and over every detail, every piece of information, every doctors conversation, every day I feel I have let my dad down somehow.

I know I fought hard for him, I stood up to the professionals for him and questioned their choices, I asked question after question, I studied the internet to understand what was happening, what will be happening, I called ,I had meetings, but could I have done more?.....These are the hundreds of questions that run around my mind, could I, should I....I did stand strong for him I can say that, but could I have done more....I can say if I could turn back time I WOULD have done more.

I would hold him more, I would tell him off less (it wasn't angry telling him off, no way, but more telling him off to encourage him to carry on, I was firm, I was practical, I was trying to get him back on track, to encourage him to keep going) but now I look back I should have stayed silent more, listen more, I knew he was suffering, he had lost his dignity, his pride, he could no longer care for himself, he was always a well dressed man, always did things for all of us, pushed himself always there,but then I saw a man who had lost his spark, his hope, so I tried to tell him, get over this hurdle and you will see a difference, get over the next hurdle and something more will become easier...but I think we both knew, we both felt that deep sinking feeling ...this time it wasn't getting better, this time he is not getting stronger,,, and so I look back now and wish with all my heart I could tell him I love him more. He knew I loved him, we were close, but those last months were hard, I now feel I wasted so many moments on trying, when we should have just been, just accepted, just done what is the most important above all other things, and that was to listen, say what has to be said, and say it with deep feelings, with love with tenderness....no harsh words, no stern instructions on how to do ...just soft, gentle understanding.That is what I would do if I could turn back time.

 

 

[reader]

Dear 100440,

 

My deepest condolences and sympathies on the passing of your beloved father. Your words express so clearly how we all feel when we lose our beloved parent. I know its not easy and that is why I'm here at this forum. I'm so sorry. I know there is a lot of pain right now. Lots of hugs to you my friend.

[100440]

Thank you  all for your replies and kind words. I am now in a place of no memory. I have somehow started a process where I can switich all the lights off.

I turn away from the pictures and the memory's in my mind.

Sometimes, something slips through, and I fall into a heap on the floor where rivers of tears and pain flow, but day by day I am.learning to turn off this part of my mind, the part where my dad is stored.

It is the only way I can make it.

There have been moments where I have opened this door to check everything is still there, and as the door opens and the lights starts to pour into the darkness so does the pain, the hurt, the screams and the tears , so I quickly close it again.

I will keep going back to check as I don't want to forget ever, but for now I will close the door and put everything into storage until I can face it.

I talk to my dad every day,.

I will love him every day.

 I cannot live at the moment with this raw, deep, heartache caused by him leaving, by my loss of my darling dad.

This room I have created, holds such laughter, such love, so many smiles and memories it is full of pictures of him, of us....but it also holds great pain.

I have not forgotten him and I never will forget him, I love him.

I have only turned away for a while. X