Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

Need the perspective of someone who lost a partner unexpectedly


Clue Less

Recommended Posts

  • Members

(Note: I am posting a duplicate of post I published in "violent death" , because that forum doesn't seem very active and I need help soon. I hope the mods can allow both.)

I am writing because my friend just lost his wife unexpectedly.  It happened quickly, out of the blue. I don't live in the same city, but I am one of his closest old friends and I want to help him any way I can.

I do have some experience with trauma/grief, but I feel like I don't know what the loss of a partner must be like and that is why I am using this forum now, because I could use some input from people who have gone through sudden unexpected loss.  I want to help as much as I can, and if that means not being over bearing, I want to do that. Whatever it takes, I'll do it. If any of you are willing to share your experiences, I'd like to know about what you felt needed, and what made you feel best right after losing someone unexpectedly, I'd appreciate it. I realize that everyone is different, and of course I will listen to him and get his input, too. At the same time I don't want to burden him with queries that might be troubling, so any input those of you would like to provide could be extremely helpful.  I'd like to know what worked for you. 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

So sorry for your friend losing his wife. It's heartening and shows your own character in being a friend, that you want to step up and help him. We all have different needs when experiencing such trauma. Your friend is going to be in shock for a long time. Shock does terrible things to the body and mind. Your friend needs to be kind and nurturing to himself, doing whatever it takes to help him through. Family and friends need to be there, support is essential. If possible, it is most helpful if someone can stay with him for awhile. Tell him that he can call you anytime---even if you have to listen to him crying, what counts is that you're listening. Being there, a lifeline. Make a pre-arranged time to call him, when there is no one else available, just so he knows he can count on you.

I lost my husband in August to a sudden heart attack. The shock has worn off, but I'm still trying to cope with living alone and struggling through the day. It takes a long time for total acceptance of the reality of loss of a partner. Our life as we knew it with the love of our life has been dumped upside down and our hearts shattered. Your friend will be left to pick up whatever pieces he can and struggle with putting some kind of a life for himself back together. The love bond and the memories will always be there and we use them to live some kind of new life to honor them.

I wish I could say more----Prayers, hugs, to you and your friend

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Do you think it is good to 1) ask questions about what happened and his feelings, 2) refrain from asking questions and just listen or 3) ask him if I should ask him questions? 

 

I know not to minimize his feelings or talk about the future (e.g. you'll feel better soon, it will get easier, etc) because I guess that can make someone's feel disregarded when they are in a lot of pain NOW.  Also I am wondering, are there topics that are not good to ask about? I want to take away any pain I can, and in the very least, not make anything worse.  Thanks!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Every one is different in what is needed or he doesn't know what he needs. Just let your friend know you are there for him and listen if he wants to talk. Nothing or no one can take away the pain.  I'm sorry your friend is going through this tragedy. Ask him to pray to God for love and strength. Tell him to pray for his wife. Her spirit will be around him. It was God's plan to take your friend's wife home. God has a plan for your friend, but it will take self-care, patience and time for him to see that plan down the road.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

KMB, sorry about your loss. I'm reading about losing a partner, to try to help, and it sounds awful. I hear it can take a lot of time, and I'm sorry that you have to go through this difficult and unfortunately necessary period.  I imagine its not nice. 

Part of why I sought help here is that I've gone through my own trauma, and know how much support has helped me, but this..this is its own kind of thing. Although I can try, I know I don't understand exactly what he's going through, so your help is appreciated. Everyone is different, of course, but hearing from you all is enlightening.  Thank you. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
claribassist13

Clue Less, 

If you are going to start down this road, then you cannot turn back. At least, not without altering your relationship with your friend forever. 

Support is always plentiful in the beginning, but it starts to wane after about 4 months. Friends get tired of seeing our grief. They don't understand why we can't just "move on" or "get over it". We need people after the shock is gone, as those huge milestones begin to approach. We need people to ask us how we are, even when that is the last thing we want. We need people to still care after everyone else stops caring. Be willing to let us talk whenever and about whatever we need to. Let us know that you are available whenever and then follow on that promise. 

Just be there. Don't leave. Be the support to your friend that you needed when you were going through your stuff. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

claribassist13,

Thank you so much for this information.  I do plan on being there for him. I've struggled with depression from my own traumas, so I understand how things can linger, and the need for long term support.  Even thought it has only been a very short time since his loss, he is already talking about feeling like he is "going on" and apologizing.  I am trying to explain to him that it is no trouble to listen, that I am glad to help him, and that he should feel free to go on as much as he needs to because it is no burden at all.  

Still, I appreciate that you emphasized this. I had not planned on abandoning him later, and have read that many people struggle intensely for up to two years, and that it can go on longer.  This is often the hardest thing that one can go through in life, and life is full of struggles - that says a lot about how much it can hurt and explains why it can take so long to start to feel even moderately ok (let alone good).   Because of your words of caution, I think I am going to be more likely to be extra careful to not disappear. We've been friends for 15 years, so I have faith in our friendship, and will do what I can to really be there, as long as he needs it (and maybe even a bit longer).  Thank you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Clue Less---You are very level headed and grounded. You are doing all the right things. Your friend is very lucky to have you in his life. Your continual friendship will help him along his journey of healing. Prayers and hugs to both of you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
5 hours ago, KMB said:

Clue Less---You are very level headed and grounded. You are doing all the right things. Your friend is very lucky to have you in his life. Your continual friendship will help him along his journey of healing. Prayers and hugs to both of you.

I couldn't agree more!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hi there. I lost my husband very suddenly just 10 weeks ago. I came to this site and found wonderfully supportive friends. Their advice they have given you is spot on. I can't really add anything other to say I could not have got through the last few weeks with my family and friends. You're doing all the right things and your friend is lucky to have you in his life.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
claribassist13
16 hours ago, Clue Less said:

claribassist13,

Thank you so much for this information.  I do plan on being there for him. I've struggled with depression from my own traumas, so I understand how things can linger, and the need for long term support.  Even thought it has only been a very short time since his loss, he is already talking about feeling like he is "going on" and apologizing.  I am trying to explain to him that it is no trouble to listen, that I am glad to help him, and that he should feel free to go on as much as he needs to because it is no burden at all.  

Still, I appreciate that you emphasized this. I had not planned on abandoning him later, and have read that many people struggle intensely for up to two years, and that it can go on longer.  This is often the hardest thing that one can go through in life, and life is full of struggles - that says a lot about how much it can hurt and explains why it can take so long to start to feel even moderately ok (let alone good).   Because of your words of caution, I think I am going to be more likely to be extra careful to not disappear. We've been friends for 15 years, so I have faith in our friendship, and will do what I can to really be there, as long as he needs it (and maybe even a bit longer).  Thank you.

 

Clue Less, 

As everyone else has stated, you really are a fantastic friend. You are putting in my effort than my friends ever did and it is going to benefit both of you in the long run. 
By trying to understand, you are demonstrating that you care. It's really all any of us could ask for. 

You are probably going to have to tell your friend that he can "go on" several times before he really believes you. The people around him (as well-meaning as they are) will try to shove him into a box with their definition of grief on it. He is going to feel pressured, frustrated, ignored, etc. and it can harm his grieving process. I suppose what I really meant by my original post was that you just need to stick around. Let him have his space when he needs it, but check in on him as well. It's so easy for others to think that we need all this space when we really could use someone, anyone, but we either don't know how to ask for help or don't want to burden others. 

He is so incredibly lucky to have a friend like you. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Thanks guys, I will do my best! I'm sure I will mess up at times because I'm what they call a human. But you all are incredibly supportive, yourselves. :) I hope you all have people in your lives helping you, and its nice to see that there are resources like this online so that you all can turn to each other in these difficult times.   

Since I have your attention, I was wondering if any of you ever joined grief support groups and if you found them helpful. My friend is thinking of joining one, so he can find others he can relate to. I think it sounds like a great idea, no?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

A grief support group will be beneficial for your friend. I go to a once a month meeting. Will be attending my 3rd meeting next week. It's helpful and comforting to be with others that are going through the loss of someone, they understand so much more the pain and heartache. Some people have not suffered loss in their life yet, so they have no idea what it's truly like. Losing a significant other, someone you lived and loved with, had daily routines and future plans, is extremely unbearable. Even more so if there are children who lost a parent.

Encourage your friend to go to a support group. It will get him out with others who he can relate with. Maybe even encourage him to join this forum, he will have constant support from here also.

Prayers and hugs to you both----

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

It depends on the person and it depends on the group.  Here's a link with regards to looking for a support group:
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2010/04/finding-grief-support-that-is-right-for.html

They don't take the place of a specialized grief counselor, but some people find comfort in them.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Clue Less, everyone should have a friend like you.  You sound like a really good person, and your friend is lucky to have you in his life.

My girlfriend of 11 years passed away suddenly less than a month ago, so this is all very new to me.  The posters who've had more time dealing with their loss probably have a better perspective on what actually helps in the long term, but I can tell you how I wish the people in my life would treat the subject.

On November 27, 2016 at 10:40 AM, Clue Less said:

Do you think it is good to 1) ask questions about what happened and his feelings, 2) refrain from asking questions and just listen or 3) ask him if I should ask him questions? 

I know not to minimize his feelings or talk about the future (e.g. you'll feel better soon, it will get easier, etc) because I guess that can make someone's feel disregarded when they are in a lot of pain NOW.  Also I am wondering, are there topics that are not good to ask about? I want to take away any pain I can, and in the very least, not make anything worse.  Thanks!

Asking questions is good; there were a lot of people, in the first few days, who told me they were there if I wanted to talk about it. But now they all avoid the topic and look really uncomfortable if I so much as mention her name.  Asking questions shows that you're genuinely interested in how he's feeling.  And I'd try to be more specific than the standard "how are you?"  When people ask me that, it feels like they're just asking to be polite, and I feel obligated to say "I'm okay" and let the subject drop.

I'd avoid questions about how it happened, unless he brings it up first.  I'd rather talk about her life than her death.  What she was like, what she was interested in, things we did together.  But I know that most people just aren't that interested in hearing the mundane details of the life of someone they didn't know well, and will never have the chance to know better.  And while they'd probably sit and listen politely, I wouldn't be able to help feeling that I was being not only a burden but a boring one at that.  But if, on the other hand, someone were to actually ask about that stuff, I'd jump at the chance to talk about it.

And not trying to tell him that things will be better in the future is the right move.  I spoke with my birth mother whose husband died 12 years ago in similar circumstances to my girlfriend; she told me that it was going to hurt for a very long time, and that I probably hadn't even felt the worst of it yet.  I disagree with that last part, nothing for the rest of my life will ever top the pain of seeing my Jessica in our bed and feeling how cold she was, but I appreciated the honesty a lot more than I did the empty platitudes I got from most people.  She told me that I'd be grieving for the rest of my life but that eventually, maybe in a few years, maybe longer, the grief would stop being the primary defining aspect of my life.  If there comes a point where it feels appropriate to talk about the future, I think wording it like that would be more helpful than the trite "it'll get better" or "you'll get through this" that most people offer.

On November 29, 2016 at 7:25 AM, Clue Less said:

Since I have your attention, I was wondering if any of you ever joined grief support groups and if you found them helpful. My friend is thinking of joining one, so he can find others he can relate to. I think it sounds like a great idea, no?

 I think it's definitely a good idea, and you should encourage him to do so whenever he feels ready.  The only reason I haven't joined one myself is because I prefer to do my crying privately and I still can't so much as say her name without tearing up.  What I'm looking for, more than comfort, is understanding; both for people to understand what I'm feeling, and to help me understand it myself.  And I think that others who've been through this are probably in the best position to provide that.

I'm sorry, I think I've used this more to examine my own feelings than to directly answer your questions.  But it's possible that some of it might be applicable to him and maybe, hopefully, might be helpful to you in trying to understand and help him.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Gonz---I feel everyone who reads your post here will relate. I like what you said, * I think I've used this more to examine my own feelings*. I feel that's the basis for this forum. To not only share and give comfort to others here, but , perhaps more importantly, how the words are helping us in our individual healing and how to most effectively deal with our loss. Your mother shared good words of comfort and advice. We will live with our loss the rest of our life, it's our choice in how we cope and incorporate the love and memories into our new life.

Maybe in time, you will consider a grief support group or a grief counselor. It is in that setting you will find others who do understand, who will help you understand yourself. I will be attending my 3rd support group meeting next week. It's only once a month, but it has been helpful, a kind of solace, to be with people who are dealing with loss also. Family and friends don't *get it*, because they have not lost a significant other. I would prefer to see a grief counselor, but there are none in my area.

Prayers and hugs to you

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
2 hours ago, KMB said:

Your mother shared good words of comfort and advice. We will live with our loss the rest of our life, it's our choice in how we cope and incorporate the love and memories into our new life...

Family and friends don't *get it*, because they have not lost a significant other. I would prefer to see a grief counselor, but there are none in my area.

Prayers and hugs to you

Yeah she did, right now what I need from people is honesty, and that's what she gave me. 

I don't blame anyone for just repeating things they've heard because they don't know what else to say.  I used to be the same way when I was around people who'd lost someone.  Hopefully I'll be better about it in the future.

Prayers and hugs right back to you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Yes, we'll all be better on what to say or do with other people who are going through loss. It's a lesson learned from our own loss.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

And keep in mind everyone doesn't want the same response, which makes it even more complicated.  I know someone who hates it when someone says, "I'm so sorry for your loss."  Yet what else are we supposed to say?  We ARE sorry!  We aren't trying to trivialize it.  Sometimes the less we say, the better, because grievers DO have thin skins!  It is part of grief.  The best thing we can do is be there, listen.  Yet how many times I've heard someone say they just want to be alone?  It IS hard to know how to respond.  Don't give up on them, try again and again.  They might push you away, but hang in there for them.  We can do tangible things for them, bring them food...they don't want to eat.  Mow their lawn, they don't want someone encroaching on them.  It's tough.  Tell them you want to be of help and ASK them what you can do for them.  Maybe make suggestions and hopefully they'll take you up on it.  Offer to go with them when they pick up the ashes, go to the social security office, or have to clean out their loved one's car.  These are things that are so hard to do alone.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I just want to thank you all for your stories, and Gonz, it is super cool if you want to use my question to reflect. If it helps, it makes me happy. :) The support group sounds like a good thing, and gonz, you might want to at least try it. If you hate it you can always run out early, no one will fault you! Take care, all. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.