My Dad is dating someone too soon, and lying about it.

[KH2100]

Apologies everyone, but this is going to be a long one. I think trigger warnings apply for kind of suicidal thoughts and the like just to warn you.

I don't know if any of you guys can help but feel like I need to vent to people who are going through scenarios similar to mine, rather than my therapist (who is a lovely person but she can't really help me other than agreeing with me). Bit of background info, so basically my mother died this year, it was a huge shock and it happened very quickly and was awful for all of my family, I hadn't seen my mom in a while and wasn't there when she died, so I now have a huge case of guilt, that I wasn't there, that I hadn't been there with her during her last weeks. We all made a promise that we would not have secrets between each other, that we would always talk about how we were feeling and such.

Now this is gonna sound awful but, I'm a bit of a snoop, always have been, but for good reason, my Dad can be stupid with money, my Mom always asked me to hack into his emails and wotnot for her because she was always worried that he was doing silly things with money. I just continued this after she passed, purely out of worry, big mistake, I found that within the weeks following my mothers death (even before we had buried her) my father had signed up to a few dating sites, at first I was shocked and angry, I wanted to confront him about it and punch him for disrespecting my Mother when she wasn't even in the ground yet, I kinda figured he'd tell me, he didn't, he did keep bringing up that "there is no such thing as too soon" which made me sick, because a few weeks after your wife dying having not buried her yet in my opinion is waaaaay too soon!! Anyway, after I cooled off, I decided not to confront him about it, brushed off any conversation he tried to have with me about potentially dating people, I didn't think it was appropriate to talk about those things. I figured he was worried for his future or what the dating world was like now or something, so I dropped it, forgot about it, didn't forgive but I figured I did some stupid stuff following my mothers death which made signing up to a dating site seem tame, death makes you loose your head a bit. I stopped checking his mail, I figured I learnt my lesson.

Fast forward a few weeks ago, my dad announces that he's going on holiday with a friend, good for him I think, its a female friend, er okay, its fine I have loads of male friends I would go on holiday with, it's okay, he says, we have separate rooms and all that. This lady is an acquaintance who also lost her husband, a few years ago,so she kinda knew what we were going through, she had come round a bit when we were all at rock bottom still, I never really talked to her, I don't really talk to people much anyway but now, barely. Dad tells me not to tell my Mom's family, could give the wrong impression he said, this led me to lie to my grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles, said he was on holiday with some of his mates, which in hindsight I didn't actually feel comfortable doing and I was angry that he kinda forced me to do that. He also booked the holiday during the only week that I could see him in a while, he said he forgot but I had told him this weeks and weeks prior and wrote it on the calendar for him. 

At this point and for a few weeks I had started to become suspicious of this woman he was taking on holiday, I talked it over with a few friends and they kind of all thought it was a bit odd and, I in turn thought it was too, so my anger and suspicion started getting the better of me. He kept me updated on his trip, phoned me once, I was distant and vague on purpose because I wanted for him to know I was angry at him, a bit nasty but I wasn't having a good time of it at that point, it almost seemed that everyone else was moving on but that I was stuck on the day after my mom died (my sibling had also announced that they were seeing someone too, no one really contacted me, none of my Mom's friends or relatives really seemed to care all that much, I often get forgotten about, in sympathy cards and such, mainly because I'm a bit weird and people find me hard to talk to).

I went home, my dad was still on holiday so I called a few friends and went for drinks and such so I wasn't alone all the time, I went to visit my mothers grave, I drank (I've kinda developed a major drinking problem over the past few months). My dad texted me saying that he and the woman were going to see my sibling and that I had to be dressed because he would bring her to see me too, that made me angry, I wasn't going to get dressed up for someone I barely knew, this is my house I can be dressed however I please.

Then I stumbled across my Dad's laptop, it was hidden, I was a bit intrigued, I hadn't read my Dad's emails since the incident, but the suspicion that was on my shoulders got the better of me and I know how horrific this sounds but in my frame of mind at this point it felt important that I did this. So I got in.

My God I wish I hadn't. There were emails that I wont go into detail about, he had without a doubt been seeing this woman. I was so angry, I wanted to throw the laptop across the room, I wanted to smash plates and windows, I wanted to scream and shout at someone (either my dad or the woman) but I couldn't, so instead I took a bottle of vodka and went out in the pouring rain and sat by my mom's grave for hours and hours, just crying a screaming at no one, thinking about killing this woman, pouring my heart out to my mom, I figured that if everyone can move on as fast as that with someone like my mom who was the greatest person ever and the kindest and most loving, then no one would miss me, a loner, a weirdo, a basketcase. I headed for the river, I figured the cold might kill me, I realized I'd been thinking about things like this for months, but that this was the straw that broke the camel's back as it were. As I walked toward the river someone stopped me and asked what was wrong, I broke down with this poor person, in the rain, she called one of my friends who lived in town and stayed with me until she picked me up, I then went to my friends house and poured my heart out to her wanting to avoid going home and potentially seeing the woman, fearing I might do something drastic if I did. I ended up at home very late and very drunk, my dad was still awake, I was too angry to talk to him really but I forced myself, told him about sitting at mums grave, about drinking, about how I was feeling, while completely avoiding the subject of the woman. He kept bringing her up, I kept shooting it down, I didn't want to talk about it, he kept talking about how she "gets it" I just said I don't care, how she's invited us over for Christmas lunch, shot it down, Christmas is going to be horrible enough without my Mom but if I have to spent it at the house of that woman, I can't promise I wont stab her with the carving knife. I thought my dad would realize that I knew or was at least suspicious and would "own up" but he didn't. The next day I tried a different tactic I kept bringing things up like internet dating, that I had been on a few dates with people, stuff like that, silently pleading at him to own up, he didn't. So then I changed my tune completely, he started talking about how soon is too soon to "move on" so I asked him outright, are you seeing this woman? He said no. He has lied to me and I don't think I can forgive him. He broke the promise we made. I'm at rock bottom again, the same as I was after my mom died, I am getting help with my therapy, but I still feel awful, I hide it well, say I'm okay when I'm not, its easier to do that, people go weird when they find out you're suicidal. 

I don't know what to do? I don't want to confront my Dad about this, I love him dearly, but he has an issue with nothing being his fault, he'll try and put it on me, I know it. Should I confront the woman? I feel if I saw her I'd say something awful or threatening or I might hurt her, I really don't want to do that and I understand what she went through was not nice either, but no matter how much my Dad says that she gets it, she has had more time, a few years to decide that this is okay, my dad has had a few months, I cant help thinking that whether she knows it or not, she is using my dad and taking advantage of him and even if he admits it and all that, I cant help thinking that this will end badly for all concerned.

I understand my Dad is feeling lonely and that he is trying to fill this void my mom has left, but I truly think that it is too soon for him, he has not has not had enough time too figure this out properly, if you spoke to him you would understand, he is not that old either so he can afford to have a few years of figuring stuff out before he decides his future. Other than this entire situation, I think I would probably react the same way no matter how many years had past I'd be the first to admit that, that is how I know I'm being at least a bit rational. But it's more the fact that he is lying to me that is the hurtful part, he has lied to my face, and when (or if) he owns up to seeing this woman I will tell him that I knew all along and that I am not a child (even though it sounds as if I am being childish) and that lying to both me, my sibling, my moms family and his own parents is the worst thing he could have done to me and that I will never forgive him for it. I know that sounds awful or petty but it's the truth, I will still love him because he is my dad and I care about him loads but this is unforgivable in my eyes (I also understand that he is lying to me because he thinks he is "protecting me" but the worst thing that will ever happen to me has happened, there's not much he can protect me from anymore).

Sorry for the long and bitter post, I just needed to get it off my chest. Has anyone else been through anything similar? 

(P.s since this all happened I had yet another moment when I got back home, wherein I got to a bridge in my town and stood for a long time thinking about whether or not I should jump off, thankfully a kind drunk guy convinced me not to, I wish I could thank these strangers but never got their names) no incidents for a few weeks now, my therapy is helping.

[cindyjane]

HUGS KH2100 ... I am so sorry for your loss.  In sharing, I lost both parents in an 11 month period.  I hadn't gotten through grieving my mom's passing, then my dad left us.  Like a double whammy.  In reading your post, my heart goes out to you.  You are going through some pretty tough feelings and rightfully so.  The bottom line is how you are dealing with it.  Or not dealing with it.  My personal experiences throughout my life is that when difficult situations came up, I turned to alcohol.  Drinking was a way for me to numb my feelings therefore I wasn't dealing with them, but rather running from them.  One of the things I learned is that it is OK to allow myself to feel my feelings.  Those feelings wouldn't kill me.  It's OK to be angry and to be sad...you just lost your mom who you love so deeply.  I totally agree with you that it was way too soon for your dad to be thinking about seeing someone else not yet being with someone else.  Then lying on top of it and expecting you to lie for him is just wrong.  But that is his deal, not yours.  

You need to look after YOU.  I've told you that it is OK to be angry and sad but it's not OK to kill yourself.  It's not OK to be snooping into your dad's life via emails, etc.  Whenever I do things that aren't right (and I have), I find that it brings me hardship and heartache.  In your case spying on your dad, is hurting you, not helping you.  

I found that the thing that got me through losing my parents was that I looked within.  I wanted so badly to somehow find a way to honour them.  In knowing they were loving and good people ... I figured the best way to honour them was to try to live a good life and be the best person that I can be.  Holding resentments against my siblings for not being there to help with my parents when they needed it, would only dishonour my parents so I had to let go of those angry, resentful feelings.  That took a lot of work because looking within myself wasn't an easy thing.  Making the changes and letting go of resentments was a hard thing ... but today in looking back, I can honestly say that my parents would be looking down and would be happy that I found a way to go on with my life without them.  I think they would be happy that I let go of the resentments toward my siblings.  

My feeling is that the more you put focus on your dad and what he is doing, the less focus you will put on yourself.  Try to think about what your dear mom would want for you and try to honour what she would want for you.  I really hope this helps.  Sometimes I feel like I am rambling but my hope is to somehow be of help.  

take care

Cindy Jane

[mcf1010]

I can so relate to your post as I shared an almost identical post a few weeks back. 

2 years since my mom's passing and my dad recently started dating someone but totally lied to the extent to how serious it was.  Took her on vacation a few weeks back.  Has tried to make us meet her and us 3 kids refused. Brought up the Christmas holiday and possibility of her coming. REMOVED mom pictures from the house.  I'm married and in my own home with a newborn but my 2 brothers still live there.  

 

It is that much much worse when they aren't honest about the situation when we have the guts to actually ask in the first place.  I wish I had an answer for you. I sincerely am sorry you are experiencing this, and I understand the pain.  My brothers and I talk about it constantly because it is so hard not to think about.  I know you said he asked you not to tell your mom's family/ and my dad also asked that which makes it hard because I want to talk to my Aunt(mom's sister).  I think relying on a close friend is important right now and try your best to get your feelings across to your dad as much as possible.  Eventually something has got to give right? 

But please don't feel hopeless.  Your mom and your dad would be very upset to find you wanting to hurt yourself.  Your dad like mine- is totally lonely and trying to occupy because I'm sure the loss is all that consumes them.  It is just very hard for us children 

 

mcf1010