failed to save spouse thru cpr -guilt is killing me now

[PAULAK6767]

5 weeks ago my husband had a massive heart attack, (or so the doctors think, so far), and died right in front of me. I perfomed cpr, although in my panic, I am not sure I did it correctly or well enough. Rescuers came and took over and shocked him twice and rushed him to the hospital. He did not survive. I feel like I did everything wrong and cannot get past the anger at myself or the guilt of having failed him. He was only 45 and seemingly very healthy. Not overweight, no drugs, smoked less than a pack a day. I see no reason for him to have a heart attack! Before he went to work that day he told me his lungs hurt, and asked for a puff of my inhlaler. (I have COPD). He took a couple puffs and said he felt better. He breathed in alot of bad stuff at his job so his lungs bothering him didn't surprise me. He came home from work at 6:45 and woke me up and said, " Baby, I don't feel right"  He said he felt funny, that his skin felt cold and clammy, and his lungs still hurt, I was still about half asleep, ( I work midnights), and was trying to process what he was saying. He seemed fidgety and kept laying down then standing up, he did this like 3 times because he thought he felt better standing up, then decided no, he didn't  He asked me to check his pulse which i did and  said was fine. He said "do you think it could be a heart attack"  and i said, I don't know, and then he said , "well, no,because it's supposed to be your left arm that hurts and both my arms feel funny and my legs. I really thought he was just coming down with the flu or something at that point. Then he asked me to take his blood pressure and i did, and it was on the high side and while i was telling him that his arm flew up in the air and his head flew back and sideways, and he got the most pained, horrible look on his face. His teeth clamped shut and he wasn't speaking at all, or looking at me. His eyes were directed upward and at first I thought he was playing around and i told him to stop it. I quickly realized he wasnt and tried dialing 911 and failed.I tried to pry his jaw open but couldn't and  quickly started giving chest compressions. I didn't even check for a pulse, which maybe I screwed up on that too, but honestly I could tell he was already gone just by the frozen look in his eyes. I think it was horribly painful but it didn't last long. I then was able to dial the police and get anambulance started ,I thought that i needed to get him to a hard surface,(he was on our bed), and so I dragged him quickly but gently to the floor and continued doing chest compressions until the rescuers arrived. There was never any change in his composure. They shocked him on our floor and then again  going out the door. At the hospital, they continued with cpr and other life saving treatments for 45 more minutes, until the doctor asked me if i wanted them to keep going or not, and I said no. He had been making these awful sounds coming out of his mouth along with some sort of foam, and I felt we were just doing more harm than good. However, I feel like I should have realized the symptoms when he first came home, or taken him more seriously. If only I had called an ambulance sooner, he may still be here. I have so much guilt and it is eating me alive. 45 minutes  had passed from the time he came home and the time I called the ambulance. We were talking about what it could be for the first 25 or so and then the attack started. It all happened so fast. 

[KayC]

Paula,

I am so sorry for your experience.  My husband died of a heart attack also, he had just turned 51.  It was a real shock as we hadn't known he had it until that fateful weekend, although they said he suffered massive damage to his heart six months before (he blacked out but we thought it was his diabetes, the doctor didn't send him to a cardiologist).  It's common to feel guilt when you lose someone close to you, you feel you failed them somehow, when truth may not bear that out.  It's not about what's actual, it is how we feel.

I hope this link will be of some help to you:
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html