Need a Hand

[9evershattered]

Hello. My name is Sam. I'm 16 and today has been the worst day of my life. I don't have a very cliche story when it comes to this. About a year ago, I met a guy through a study site. I fell in love with him instantly. We stood friends for a long time, constantly texting and video chatting. We had a lot in common. We both had rough relationships with our parents. His stepdad was physically abusive, my father verbally abusive. We bonded over many things.

 

But on October 3, 2016 I made him mine. It was sorta tricky though, because we were 1090 miles apart. I live in PA and he in Florida. We were happy as could be until Thanksgiving. We happily chatted through text while we ate our dinners, but at just about 5 yesterday evening, my life began to fall apart. My boyfriend's stepdad, an extremely horrible person, told him to cut all ties with anyone he couldn't prove he knew in person. That, of course, included me. And to make sure that it stood that way, he installed a tracker app on my boyfriend's phone so he would know if he contacted me. Michael promised me, though. He promised he would try to fight until his 18th birthday, which is March 14, of 2018.

 

This morning, however I got a text. Michael's stepdad was being extremely cruel to him and without my help to calm him down and support him, Michael gave up his fight. We argued for 15 to 20 minutes. He wanted to commit. I wouldn't let him. He promised me. But alas, Michael's light had faded. He had no hope for our future. He couldn't keep fighting. He wasn't strong enough. With one last I love you and one last apology, Michael decided to take his life. 

 

I've been sobbing all day. I hardly ate or left my room. Every time I was alone, I burst into yet another puddle of tears. I feel as if someone just cuz my heart open with a knife and stepped back so they could watch me bleed. I don't have the easiest life myself. I suffer from severe depression with the pain seemingly getting worse each day. But Michael would ease that pain, even if just for a moment, and some days he got it to completely stop.

 

Now, without him in my life, everything seems dark and dim. I don't have much hope for a future now. I don't know how long I'll be able to last. I'm going through an extremely hard time and I just figured if I could talk about it, it would help. It hurts a lot. Michael and I never went more than 24 hours without speaking and now I have to go the rest of my life without him.

 

I absolutely hate how this makes me feel. But I know in my heart that more than anything I blame myself. I couldn't stop him, I couldn't give him enough strength to fight. I couldn't convince him life was worth living anymore. It's my own fault, it seems

 

Anyway, thank you for taking the time to read my story...