Devastated by loss of wife from postpartum depression

[KC81]

My wife and I met 6 years ago and had been inseparable ever since.  She was my best friend, my true emotional support, my other half. 
She's an award winning fashion photographer and an excellent nurse who licenses and inspects nursing homes and group homes.
Her attention to detail and eye for beauty is astonishing.  She also strives to be the best friend, best girlfriend, best wife, and best mom. 
She's so kind-hearted, genuine, easy-going, and beautiful inside and out. 
We have our silly language together, we find comfort in little things, like cuddling on the couch or bed to watch TV dramas.  
I missed how she requested me to massage her small feet, before using my left arm as her pillow, to put her to sleep, since we became a couple 6 years ago.

We traveled the world, we got married just over 2 years ago in an immaculate wedding that she masterfully planned herself. 

We welcomed our baby boy with the greatest joy in the world just 3 months ago.  We were so happy.  I am 35, she was 32. 
She even did her baby photography herself when she still had pain from C section..  

But then she rapidly fell ill with severe postpartum anxiety and depression when our boy was 5-6 weeks old.  Multitude of factors.. C-section pain, insomnia, breastfeeding problems, fixation on breastfeeding, baby's allergies to cow's milk protein, perfectionist personality, high expectations of self etc. Everything was tried... psychiatrists, medications, counselors (whom she declined), surrounding her with friends and families (whom she tried to push away), taking her out to our usual dating spots and also exploring new places, taking away the pressure of baby tasks by having family helping full-time, giving her lots of hugs and massages...  But she was still jittery, pacing around, flat emotions, and completely not herself.  But when it comes to the well-being of our son, she could focus fully and speak normally.  We all know she loves our son with all her heart, and only wants the best for him.   On Oct 24, she took care of our son for a long time, played with him, even sang the Alphabet song to him (she barely sang during this 3 weeks of depression/anxiety).  The evening of Oct 24, she talked to me playfully briefly, I had to do a double-take to ask her if she really meant to talk to me playfully (hasn't done that for several weeks).  I was ecstatic, so excited that the real funny her was still in there.   I cuddled her, hugged her, put my head on her lap, rolled around and told her "I love this, you're getting better!

Morning of Oct 25, she was pacing around the room as usual since 6am. She took a shower after I woke up, washed her hair, came down to eat cereal, washed baby bottles when I was getting ready to go to work.  I asked her for a peck on the cheek, she gave me a peck on the cheek.  I gave her a hug, told her I love her, and that I'll be back by 6 o'clock.  An hour later, she left home in her car, captured on security camera at home.  She found an opening when the 2 family members in the house were occupied.
Cellphone was off the whole day.
Police, social media, TV, Radio, newspapers were engaged immediately on the same day.  I went on live TV the same night pleading for her safe return.

On Oct 26, her car was found in a large park close to a big popular suspension bridge.
Search and rescue teams, Major crime unit, Police Marine Unit, helicopters, mounted units, hundreds of volunteers, posters everywhere, Candlelight vigils, massive public outpouring of love and support were all involved.  A store footage of her buying gatorade and banana was obtained by my friend, which was before her car was found. I went on live TV two more times.

My heart already sank knowing the location of her car so close to the bridge, and already kept thinking about the worse, although many people still hold out a lot of hope for a miracle that she was rescued.  I've been grieving my assumed-loss since late October, praying for her soul to go to the light, while praying her physical body to return to us (but also praying for her safe return should she be alive).  A candlelight vigil (for her safe return) was held in the park, attended by over 150 people, where I expressed my gratitude to the society and everyone involved; I also recited my wedding vow (and it was so So hard to do).

Detectives and police came to our home last week, and by their grim look I knew what they were going to say. 
A lone hiker found her in the water in a remote cove of an island. 
I've been truly grieving for 8 days now, even though she was lost almost a month ago. 

What makes me feel better is my now firm believe that her soul goes on, and that there's more to life than physical death.
I have felt a few unusual things which were almost unmistakably signs from her trying to communicate with me (over a year ago we made a pact to send signs to the other if there's more after death, should one of us pass first), and this gives me comfort knowing This is not the end.  Just part of the journey of the soul. 

But I still wake up with anxiety every day, some days worse than others.   My mind tends to be more clear/vulnerable, and sweet memories and perhaps unrealistic dreams come to my mind.
I would feel SO much suffering.  That this is SO hard.  I have to remind myself during those times that my wife was very sick, and needed to recall how she looked like when she was severely depressed and anxious, to tell myself that she is without pain and suffering now.  And that all her good deeds done in her lifetime, and all the millions of wishes and prayers sent to her from all corners of society will lift her to a land of eternal happiness. 

I see psychologists, talk to counselors, spiritual teachers, friends who've lost loved ones, my supportive family.
But it's still so hard.  I'm so grateful that I have a family member able to take on full-time care of the baby  (I'm sure my wife made sure this was in place before she left). 

Everything reminds me of her.  The PJ and bathrobe she last wore is still on the bed and in the closet.  I can't bear to move them.  I asked her closest girlfriends to come over at a later date to help organize things, so they don't trigger me so much.  I don't want to throw anything away , because I still need to decide what I should keep for my 3 month old son, when he grows up. 

I backed up her computer, and will back up a couple more times.  I felt I have the duty to keep all our memories intact, not just for myself, but especially for my 3 month old son.

I know I must focus on the present.  But I am afraid the sweet memories of the past, and I think my subconscious inhibits me from thinking about the happy memories too much.  I'm also afraid of the future, how I can Ever get out of this grief.  How I can deal with these memories.  How I need to raise my son, and get him to know his mother.  What if he doesn't want to know his mother? What if his young mind try to place blame somewhere?  How do young widows move forward?    There are so many questions, and so many other things on my mind such as preparing for funeral, dealing with family dynamics, dealing with paperwork, dealing with finances...

Thank you all for being here.  
 

 

[Chasisdope]

I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. I do believe in the after life too. My husband visited me many times by physical touch directly after his passing. I know it is him. Just like you, you know it's her. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise. That is what I believe in, I felt it, I know it. I have also gotten one visitation dream from him so far. Very short and very real, but very worth it. I want so many more but I can only hope for it. It is the worst pain ever. Every day is a learning process. Learning how to turn my sorrow into love. When I look at our time together and how much we loved each other, I relive the memories and it keeps me going. Especially, keeps me going for our two small children. What kept me going was him showing me that he is still here. 

[Sadaf Nazim]

Dear Kc81

I can understand your pain as something similar happened to my love. Although it wasn't due to depression. He was very happy and calm when the world saw him alive last time. And no one could him him in the river where he drowned  for days. I can feel what you are going through right now. But you should be thankful. For your son. You have a piece of your wife's soul with you. You can love him cherish him as long as you live and feel connected to your wife. 

There are people who are unlucky who have nothing to remember their love except maybe some pictures. You have a living soul. 

 

[KayC]

Kc81,

I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful young wife and mother of your child.  Yes, your son will want to know about his mother, and you can tell him all the wonderful things etched in your memory, you will keep her alive to him.  My husband died over eleven years ago and I remember him and miss him each and every day, although I've learned to continue with my life, he is still very much a part of it and always will be, we were inseparable soulmates.  I'm so glad you have help with your son and I pray the thought of him spurs you on.  I believe with all my heart we will be together again, in a better place that doesn't have depression and sickness.

I hope this site brings you comfort and encouragement as it has all of us here.