Looking for Help! Heartbroken

[Atflore]

It is a confusing story none the less. I am 21 years old and unsure what my life will hold from here because I am in fact scared of death. The story starts with me meeting my love. He was a lost, deep and passionate soul. We met right before I was leaving for my freshman year of college and he worked hard since the very first day to win me over. at He eventually became my boyfriend that May. We were in different locations and the long distance was hard but when we were together it was incredible. Eventually, I could not handle the long distance and broke up with him in the beginning of my junior year.  I moved on to my current boyfriend who has been there for me through this whole process. During my Junior year that thanksgiving break, I went out with friends and decided to text and find him the night before Thanksgiving. I did in fact and I was then torn between two boys. He was the most passionate person there was and would do anything in the world for me. We fooled around thanksgiving break and then spontaneously I got a free trip to Flordia to go work for a week after my finals were done. We went on vacation in secret and it was the most incredible week I have ever had. Following that week in Flordia was Christmas, New Years and then I would be leaving to Study Abroad in Cape Town Africa for a few weeks. Christmas he was in Mexico but we spent New Years together and something was not right. I was torn between two guys and that was not fair to them so I had to pick. The night before I left for Cape Town, Africa was still the most tears I have ever had to this day. A lot of fighting, crying and contemplating went on that night but we ended things. We for the first time addressed all of our problems and the long distance and why we broke up. All the questions we both had were answered. We ended things peacefully, maturely and with mutual forever love and that we would figure things out in the future. I boarded that plane the next day, had a layover in Germany and the moment I landed in Cape, my life changed. I had to turn around immediately and spend a total of 40+ hours of flying in 3 days to grieve the loss of my ex-boyfriend. He died in a drowning accident. I miss him everyday.  The situation has been confusing to explain to my current boyfriend because of the fooling around that went on. For the most part, I am okay. Life has to move on. I had a few moments of complete despair and one resulted in a suicide attempt. I am sad though and do not know how to ask for help. I am confused on how to grieve. Was he someone who was suppose to walk into my life and go or was he suppose to stay? That’s the tragedy that I will never know. Regardless he taught me lessons.  He taught me about forgiveness, the power of being loved and being devoted. He taught me passion and he also taught me sorrow. 

 

[KayC]

I am sorry for the confusion and loss you are feeling.  I am unsure if your XBF actually died or not, I don't see where you said exactly.  I hope you will consider seeing a counselor to help you figure things out, esp. since you attempted suicide...it's going to be really important to address that with a professional that can help you.
One thing I want to say about that...if you commit suicide, you will permanently remove all hope of anything changing or getting better.

If you're uncertain who you should be with, perhaps it's best to be on your own for a while until you figure out what you want, it's hard on the others otherwise.  Sometimes you love one thing about one person and another about another person, but that's not necessarily the same as being with the right person for you who is the person you feel you can't see doing life without.  At least that's how I felt about my George, my husband that died eleven years ago.  I continually miss him.

I wish the best for you going forward.  You might start by talking with a school counselor and get some recommendations from them.

[claribassist13]

I second KayC's advice. 

I am 21 as well, and there is no way I would have been able to grieve the loss of my fiance if I had someone else around in the same capacity. 
Having a loved one die changes you forever. You are not the same person you were before you found out. You are irrevocably changed, and that change takes a long time to get used to. Being along, or taking a break, might be the best thing for you to do right now, especially if you are still in school. I ended up taking a semester off immediately after my fiance died. It was probably one of the best things I could have done for myself. 

As for whether he was supposed to be in your life or not, no one but you can truly answer that question. 
My mother always told me that people were like flowers. When you needed them, their influence, their guidance, their lessons, etc., they grew and bloomed as flowers. When the bloom was fully opened, that is when you realized the lesson you were meant to learn, etc., and then they slowly died as they faded from your life. Essentially, people are in our lives at a specific time and place to help us in those specific moments. When we no longer need them, they eventually become less of a fixture in our lives. 

Don't forget the lessons he taught you. Take them to heart and ponder them well.
Choose to honor his memory by taking care of yourself. Asking for help is so hard, but the fact that you admit you need it is progress in itself. Talk to someone you trust, have them help you. 

Of course, keeping reaching out on here as well.