Forever His x

Hello ...

15 posts in this topic

i haven't been on here in a while i just couldn't bring my self to sign in , i dont like admitting to myself im on a forum like this but i suppose im feeling a bit lonely and that i dont fit in so i thought i need to as you guys are the ones that understand and dont want to be on here just like i dont . 

So its been 6 and a half months since that terrible day , and im still in the fog i understand its still "early" but for me it feels like a life time , i feel im in a very dark place now and that im a different person , living with my own head is torture i cant get away from the thoughts , and all i keep doing is re playing everything over im mentally drained , i keep hearing everyones voices that night and what they said to me and i cant stop hearing it . counselling is still in "process" of being sorted out which i think is a joke . i just want someone to help me coping methods anything but then no one can help me can they no one can bring him back to me so whats the point its not going to work . i dont understand how to get through the days at the moment im just being dragged through them and i do that for our sons sake . everything is such a mess suppose ive got to get used to that now .

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Hello Forever His x

I so get your user name.  I'm more of a newbie than you but wanted to post.  There's no shame in posting on a site like this - only we know the horror of what we're feeling and I don't think I'd have made it through without this forum.  It is so intimate and supportive.

No - no one can bring your love back. Its so harsh it hurts right down to your bones - but you are not alone.  All of us here are real - you will read posts from the most amazing beautiful people - it will help.  Please keep coming back here.

Get through another night, another day - another hour, another minute. Get through Forever His x.

We are all here together.

With love

x

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Hi forever His x

I am also a newly but can so relate to what you are saying. I had terrible anxiety attacks, remembering that horrible night, a dr gave me Urbanol last week to keep the anxiety away, it helps a lot not to feel anxious when the memories comes back. I know I have to take walks and eat well to keep my body cope with all of this but its hard to go for a walk on my own as he always did it with me, and I do not feel like cooking for myself. As Loved Mrs T said, please coming back here and talk to us as we understand your feelings.

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Forever his ex 

12 hours ago, Forever His x said:

i just want someone to help me coping methods anything but then no one can help me can they no one can bring him back to me so whats the point its not going to work . i dont understand how to get through the days at the moment im just being dragged through them and i do that for our sons sake . everything is such a mess suppose ive got to get used to that now .

Forever his x, 

I feel the same, I just want somebody to help me, I stopped going to counseling because I didn't feel like it was working for me. I was seeing a counselor at school and when my coulselor noticed I wasn't making any progressed she referred me to a psychologist. It didn't work, I didn't want to start all over again, telling a new person how a I feel was hard, and one day I thought the same, nobody can help because no one can bring him back. I lost my boyfriend seven months ago and and all the memories are so painful, and sometimes I just want to give up and be with him. It takes huge effort to go through the days,specially now with the Hollidays coming I'm so affraid of how I'm going to feel. I miss him so much and the thought of him not being here is so painful. All we can do is trying to take one day, one hour, one minute at time. Try to find comfort in your son. Just know that you're not alone. Sending you hugs and pleas don't give up. 

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Hi Everyone---We're all on this forum together, don't want to be, but we are. Looking for answers, looking for help. To share, to vent, to have knowledge that we are not going through this journey of grief alone. Just to find others on here is a comfort. The pain is unbearable, the knowing that our loved ones are in Heaven, free and happy is a consolation, but we, here, are the ones in pain, lost and confused without them. The anxiety attacks, the fear of going through each day alone. The brain fog, but yet the brain keeps racing with painful thoughts, not allowing for that peace of sleep.  We need to take care of ourselves and find some way to keep going to honor our loved ones.

We will all get through this agonizing journey together. Love, prayers and hugs to all of you.

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Thankyou all so much for the replies , i appreciate it so much that you guys talk back to me like this considering your in the same horrible boat . 

In a strange way its comforting to read the words from people who truly understand the day to day battles and that just within ourselves , i never knew how powerful the mind was but mine seems to be powerful for all the wrong reasons , our little boy is a true treasure he is looking more and more like him everyday which breaks my heart but his going to be a lucky boy to look like his daddy . i say to myself i have bad days and worse days there are no good days anymore , i always feel guilty for doing things with our little boy but i only carry on for him when i see his little face looking up at me i realise how much he needs me and i need him . but to be honest i at the moment i just feel guilty for breathing let alone when i laugh at him , my head its a crazy place now i just dont get it anymore i know none of us do . at this age i did not expect it to be like this i cant believe how quickly things can turn upside down and just keep going down . 
i think i need to come on here more and get things of my chest . 

thankyou all so much for reading this .   

Hugs to all of you lovely people . 

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Forever His x----you are doing great to keep coming here and posting. Just let out all those emotions and thoughts. It can be therapeutic, similar to journaling, but your sharing your pain with others who know what the pain is like. And you are right, the toughest part of this battle is in our minds. We feel lost, confused, our mind is chaotic with the thoughts that are constantly churning, puzzle pieces that don't fit anywhere.  You need to take care of yourself, besides your little boy. Do not feel guilty for doing things with your son. You are still his mom, the one he depends on His dad will be proud of you for carrying on your role as mom. You matter. Your life has value. You are here, by God's plan, to love and raise your son. Your son was given to you by God. These early days, months, are hard. Nothing makes sense, won't make sense for a long time. The body and mind need time to get through the shock.  Maybe it would help to find a support group or a specialized counselor that will help you with your specific needs. I know it is hard to start all over, by yourself, but you have to for your son. And you will.

Keep posting. You'll find over time, that it does help to share. We are here for you and it is a safe place. Love, hugs and prayers to you and your son. One day at a time-------

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I don't know why I am writing this. I guess sometimes you just need to get it all out of your heart.

I lost my childhood sweetheart, the love of my life, the one person who loved me like crazy for the past 13 years. We loved each other. We have gone through all kinds of good and bad days together. And now suddenly he is no more. He was just 24. We had our whole life ahead of us. We had planned so many things for our future. I am still in a shock of what happened. It's been 10 days now. Yet I'm unable to accept the fact that he is never going to come back. I will never hear his voice again. I will never see him again. I will never hold him again. 

Every part every year of my life since I was 10 year old was spent with him. And now I have no idea what to do next... Where to go from here?  

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Sadaf---So sorry for your loss. You were led to this safe place. Many friends here to share your pain with. We are all here for the same reasons. To share, exchange advice, suggestions, give encouragement, love and support. Yes, you are in shock. Loss affects the mind and body greatly. You lost your partner, the life you planned together. Everything as you knew it has been turned inside out.

If possible, surround yourself with a dependable support system of family and friends. Seek out access to a grief support group or a grief counselor. Your loss is very fresh, you will need to have support and whatever cooping mechanisms that work for you. Take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. This grief journey is different for everyone. Take it a step at a time. One day at a time. None of us know what to do next or where we are going. It's a struggle to make it through each day, each night.

Prayers, love and hugs to you.----Keep posting, getting out the emotions and thoughts and sharing will be beneficial to you.

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Sadaf, I am so sorry.  It so unfair to lose someone so young, my heart goes out to you.  It takes a long time to process it all.  Have you seen a grief counselor?  There are many good books on grief too.  I hope you'll continue to come here and post, it helps to have a safe caring place where people understand.

Here's a list of books that grievers have recommended:

http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/index.php?/topic/3836-grief-bibliography/#comment-29429

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Thank you all. I really appreciate your help. Sometimes these little things mean a lot to us.

I will try and implement your advice. But the fact that no matter what I do, he is never going to come back is tearing my heart apart. I don't remember the day when we first started loving each other. We were so small at that time that the memories are blurred. But I do remember every day of my growing up with him. Every single second is fresh in my mind. He was truly a gift for me. And now God took him back. Maybe I wasn't worthy enough to keep him.

No matter what I do now, the emptiness that he has left in my heart is never going to be filled. Those midnight conversations, watching the moon together on the terrace being kids, holding hands and running on the middle of the traffic being teenagers, cooking food together, that passionate kiss in the monsoon rain, those fights when we were 10 year old, that holding hands and sleeping together when we had no idea what else is love...

I have failed to comprehend how I am still breathing without him. Why has God made me so strong?  

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Sadaf---God made everyone strong to endure the trials and tragedies of life. You will survive through your loss. It's going to be hard I know. We are not given any options but to take it one day at a time. You have many wonderful memories of your childhood sweetheart. Keep those memories and the love bond close in your heart. All of that will help to see you through this journey of grief. God had a plan for your sweetheart and it does not mean you were not worthy. You were worthy being in your sweetheart's life so you both could love and be together before God called your partner home. God loves you and has a plan for your life also. Through your sweetheart, you learned the bonds of love and friendship. That life lesson will carry you through your life. Your sweetheart still loves you and always will---watching over you from Heaven.

God Bless---Prayers and hugs to you

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Dear Sadaf I can only echo what KMB and KayC and others have said.  You must be feeling so raw and alone and desperate - the most horrific of shocks.

What a gift of love you both gave and received - you and your wonderful sweetheart - from childhood through to adulthood - to love and be loved in return.  I hope this gives you the strength to get through these early days of agony.

Keep coming here - we know and support and sometimes scream with rage.  Above all we understand and you are not alone.

With love

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On 11/23/2016 at 7:45 PM, Sadaf Nazim said:

And now God took him back. Maybe I wasn't worthy enough to keep him.

Please dismiss that thought from your mind...let it go.  It has nothing to do with that.  And who can know the mind of God?  It is far beyond my capacity, and I know Him very well, but His mind is so much more complex than ours, I've long ago quit trying to figure it all out.  I know He loves us and walks with us if we let Him.  I think a lot of things in our world are not His will, but rather random acts that just happen.  It's not His will babies starve or people are murdered, yet they happen every day.  He neither wills it or likes it.  A lot of things are out of control right now but things will be righted someday and I live with that hope in my heart that I will be with my husband again someday in a better place where we'll never have to say goodbye again.

A lot of people don't believe this same thing, that's fine, that's their choice and right, but no one burst my bubble, I need it! :)
We were blessed to have each minute with our loved one, it was a gift to us, and it sustains me through life even when I have to continue on with his memory and spirit still inside of me.

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