Members Mrs. Plummer Posted November 19, 2016 Members Report Share Posted November 19, 2016 Dear People, Hello, my name is Louise. I hope I'm posting correctly. My beloved husband of 30 years, Ken, died of cancer two weeks ago. I was advised by a grief line that online support can be a good resource, and that's why I'm here. I have days where I feel reasonably functional for a few hours, and days like today where the crying won't stop and my legs feel unable to carry me. I am crying my eyes out right now. People keep promising me there will be healing, but I am in so much pain without my darling that I just can't imagine it. I extend my utmost sympathy to other members who have dealt with this shocking pain. I'm wondering whether anybody can suggest strategies for when the pain is so huge it literally feels as if it will kill you. I don't want to live without my Ken, but at the same time, I would never hurt my children by suiciding, and I feel strongly that Ken wants me to live. I don't want to go upstairs to our bedroom. It hurts so much. Thankyou, Louise Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted November 19, 2016 Members Report Share Posted November 19, 2016 Hi Louise---So sorry for your loss---you have come to the right place. You'll find many friends here that you can share anything with. We all know the pain, heartache of loss. It's a shock to the body, mind and spirit. Many complex emotions. Let them out, relieve the pressure. Cry, (scream into a pillow, if others are around or you have neighbors). Go into the country somewhere to scream. We know the unbearable, consuming pain that feels like it will kill you. It doesn't though. Taking deep breaths, going by each second, minute, hour. Go for walks, doing deep breathing. It's good for the body to exercise off the pent up feelings. Be kind to yourself, take care of yourself. This online support has been very helpful to me. I also go to a once a month support group. It helps to get away from the house and be with others who understand. I hope you have family and friends for a support system, people you know who will be there for you. Has anyone been staying with you? I understand about not being able to sleep in your bedroom. Try sleeping on the sofa or another bedroom. Can you sleep at a family member or friends place for awhile? Our minds are in a fog. The body's way of defending itself from the shock. Hard to make decisions, hard to think clearly. Talk to family about helping you with bill paying, the finances, etc. Suicidal thoughts are normal. We miss our loved one so much and would do anything to be with them again. They are here with us in spirit. They want us to go on living for them. You have children, grandchildren?, they all need you. Take your time, all the time you need. Over time, you will find the coping mechanisms that work for you. We are on this life long journey together, but it's also individual, according to our individual needs. Prayers and many hugs to you, Louise. Please keep in touch. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted November 19, 2016 Moderators Report Share Posted November 19, 2016 Louise, I love your picture, by the way. I am so sorry you also lost your husband. I understand about the bedroom...the bed loomed so big and empty after George died, I took to sleeping in the recliner and let my son and DIL sleep in it when they come to visit. It's too hard, even after all this time. I know some who changed their bedroom around, bought new bedding, painted, etc. to try and change it. It's whatever makes YOU most comfortable that matters. Like KMB said, I've driven out in the woods and screamed. I have anxiety anyway and this sure hasn't helped...I'm on a low dose medicine for it, but it barely helps sometimes. I've learned to take a day at a time and not borrow trouble...sometimes it's had to break down into five min. at a time. I can't worry about the whole rest of my life, that's too much to handle, although it hits me sometimes, esp. in the middle of the night. I feel so alone. I AM so alone! I get out and volunteer, try to have a regular schedule. Esp. after I retired, it was so important. I help at the senior site twice a week and church treasurer on Mondays (plus), am also in community choir and on the morning worship team at church, so I have practices to attend. It gets me out and around people. Nothing is the same as it was. Our dog and cats are gone, I got new ones. At least it's someone to come home to, a reason to keep going, someone to love. As KMB said, suicidal thoughts are normal, just important not to act on it. Keep in mind we have to continue and give life a chance to give us hope, to adjust to our new lives without. Twelve days after my husband died I was at the eyedoctor, I came out and there was a sidewalk clearance next door with a refrigerator magnet...it had a dragonfly (I felt God used it to get my attention) and read, "Find joy in every day". I bought it and still have it up. I began to look for joy in my day, no matter how small it was, and give acknowledgement to it. I lost my big joy, George, but I found if I looked hard enough I could find small joys...a deer or elk in the yard, a puppy's kiss, someone letting me merge in traffic (a miracle), a phone call from a friend, all of these are little joys. As I began to embrace them, I noticed it did something inside of me, it transformed me to a person more optimistic and hopeful. I've suggested it to others but sometimes people don't want to look for good, they want their life to be all doom and gloom. I'm not saying it isn't, sometimes that's what sticks out to us the most, all the more reason to really look for good. I'm sorry, I know it hurts so bad, when you feel like crying, cry, let it out, it's not good to bottle up. And come here, it helps to express yourself, and we're here, we understand. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Chasisdope Posted November 21, 2016 Members Report Share Posted November 21, 2016 Hi Louise, My husband was 22 when he passed away last month from complications with Leukemia. I am truly sorry for what you are going through. Especially, you have been with him for 30 years. I really can't imagine what you are going through. I have been with my husband for four years and I find that he pain is unlike any other. What I have done to try to stay sane is hanging out with our kids. They make me laugh sometimes. I also go through our old messages and our social media memories. I watch videos of him playing the bass guitar, keyboard, drums etc. At first, it made me weep terribly but then I realized it made me appreciate that he left me plenty of memories to cherish and that is what I hold onto. I would do things in his honor such as getting a new tattoo of his name and the orange leukemia ribbon into a shape of a music clef. People always tell me not to as he's already gone and that I can just move on with another man but that's not what I want. I've had several relationships in the past and I'm pretty much done with that. My husband was always the last man I wanted to be with. And I was the only one he was ever with and ever loved. I know this may sound a little corny but I do wear his T-shirts a lot. I have his ashes in my bedroom. I feel suicidal a lot and there was a time I actually contemplated it but before he passed, he clearly told me to take care of myself and the kids...to kiss and hug them a lot for him. I also know that he would be pissed if I was to cause any harm to myself. That's just who he is. He would totally lose control. I believe in life after death and that other dimensions exist. So far, I have had one visitation dream from him. I'm so anxious to have more. I think he'll visit when he can come through. But, the one dream I had seemed so real as if it wasn't a dream at all. I was laying down in my bed and he sat on the floor leaning on the side of the bed. He turned to me and said, "You better not be messing around with no young dudes!" I replied, "No, I'm not. You should already know." And he pulls out a piece of lined paper folded in two with names written on them and he says, "Who are these guys then?" I laughed and said, "Wtheck, I don't know any of these." I woke up and looked into the spot he was sitting then realized he had already passed. But the dream was so real. He never acknowledged his illness or passing. It was as though we knew but all we wanted was to carry on like any other day. So, yes, I believe in this and it helps me have hope that in the future when it's my time, we will reunite. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted November 22, 2016 Moderators Report Share Posted November 22, 2016 I have no doubt that we'll reunite. It doesn't help to hurry that day, even though we miss them each breath we take. We still have something we're here for, it takes time to walk this journey and deal with our grief, and learn to go on. All of the effort we put in helps...seeing a grief counselor, reading books, videos on grief, it takes much time to process it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members San-Mac2984 Posted November 24, 2016 Members Report Share Posted November 24, 2016 Hi my name is Sandra and my husband passed away 3 1/2 months ago. I have been looking for some support from someone who understands what I Am going through. I miss him very much and I don't know what to do without him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted November 24, 2016 Members Report Share Posted November 24, 2016 Hi Sandra---I am sorry for your loss and my heart goes out to you. I also lost my husband in August. I am very grateful that this forum is here. I can go on it daily to get some solace from others who understand loss and what we are going through. I attend a support group meeting at a local hospice office, but it is only once a month. Except for a dog and cat, I am totally alone, without my husband, and it's been extremely lonely. It's been a minute by minute, hour by hour struggle. I don't know how to live without him either but I think going through this grief journey is a lesson that I am supposed to learn before it's my turn to rejoin him in Heaven. Please keep coming here and posting. There are many others who understand and we'll be here to support you. Do you have the support of family and friends? It is so important to have that support system. Prayers and hugs to you--- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LvdB Posted November 25, 2016 Members Report Share Posted November 25, 2016 Hi Mrs Plummer I also understand what you are going through, it is all still so traumatic at this stage for you, I also wanted to be with my partner where he is now. The night my partner passed away I only had my son with me, he slept with me in our bed as I couldnt do it on my own, my daughter live far away but she came the next day and slept with me for the next few weeks , I had to move a month later to a small flat and I think it made it a tiny bit easier for me to sleep in a different place, although it is just outside this very same flat where he had his heart attack and instantly passed away. It will be 3 months on the 30th of Nov. I must say that after 12 weeks I can talk about it now without bursting out in tears all the time. Time will make it a bit easier. I must say that my memory also gets a bit clearer now. Please talk to us and anyone who wants to listen. I keep thinking of him as if he is still with me, but only in another room. My prayers are for you and all the others on here and also those who are not on here because I know the hurt all of us are going through. Love and hugs to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted November 26, 2016 Moderators Report Share Posted November 26, 2016 Sandra, You have found that place. I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. Those words alone sound trite and do not adequately express the heartfelt meaning we all know it carries...there are no words. This is the hardest journey in the world, but you will make it through, one day at a time, same as us. I hope you will read the posts here and know you are not alone. Please post whenever you feel like it, we are here to go through it with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mrs. Plummer Posted December 17, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted December 17, 2016 It's been a few weeks since I was here, and I do want to thank all of you for your replies, good people. xo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted December 17, 2016 Moderators Report Share Posted December 17, 2016 Hi Mrs. Plummer, good to hear from you again. I remember well those early days/weeks/months...tough. Come here any time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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