lost her, lost without her

[Gonz]

Two weeks and two days ago I found my girlfriend dead in our bed.  I still don't know how it happened, still waiting on the coroners report.  She was 33 and we'd been together for 11 years.

She was everything to me.  We met as teenagers, and she was my oldest and closest friend even before we were romantically involved.  She was beautiful and kindhearted and just all around too good for me.

Let me tell you a little story about her, about what kind of person she was.  I had just recently moved back to our home town after a year away.  First thing I did was get back in touch with her.  Got very sick shortly after.  She didn't want me to be alone, so she let me stay at her house, sleep in her bed, for the better part of a week.  She sat with me the whole time, except for when she was at work or sleeping.  She held my hand and brought me wet washcloths for my forehead and made me food and didn't get upset when I didn't eat it.  Didn't even get upset when I threw up all over her sheets.  I was stunned and incredibly grateful that someone would do all that for me but, to her, that was completely normal, just the sort of thing you do for a friend, even one you've barely heard from for a year.  That was when she went from "friend I had a mild crush on" to "girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with."

Now I'm filled with guilt.  My grandfather had fallen ill and passed a few weeks before she did.  Between time spent at the hospital, and helping with the funeral, and trying to be there for my father, I had very little time for her during her last month.  She and my family didn't get on well, so time with them meant time away from her.  I just took it for granted that we'd have more time when all that chaos had died down.  I was wrong and it kills me that I wasted the last bit of time I could have spent showing her how much I love her.

I don't know what to do without her.  I don't know who I am without her.  It was always us against the world, and I don't know how to exist on my own.  I've been alternating between feeling completely numb and turning into a sobbing wreck every time I see a picture of her or find some little note she wrote or think of something I want to tell her.  That keeps happening; I'll see something on TV or online and think to myself "I've got to tell Jessica about this" and then I'll remember that I can't tell her anything anymore.

I'll never hear her tell me she loves me ever again.  I'll never feel her arms around me, or feel her reach over and stroke my beard while we lay in bed together, or feel her squeeze my shoulder or my knee three times (our little way of saying "I love you").  I don't know how I'm supposed to live without that.

Every time I go to sleep I hope that I just won't wake up again.

My family are trying to be there for me, but it doesn't help.  I resent them for taking up the last month I could have spent with her and I resent them because it would be so easy to just go and be with her, but I can't because of how it would hurt them.

Sorry, I just needed to say this stuff to people who actually understand how this feels, instead of people who just think (or pretend) they do.

[KayC]

Oh Gonz, 

My heart just goes out to you!  I can feel your love for her and your grief as well.  I am so sorry.  You and Nik, and so many others here, to lose the person you loved when you're still so young.  It took my husband and I a lifetime to find each other (we were in our forties) and I lost him just 6 1/2 years later, I felt cheated, and I can only imagine how cheated all of you feel, so young and going through this.  Life is not fair, is it.

I'm glad you won't act on your feelings (suicide), it's common to feel when you lose the person you most love in life.  I think we've all had the thought occur to us, but to act on it would not only hurt those that love us, but would remove all hope of life ever getting any better or giving the possibility of change a chance to occur.  I wanted to wrap my car around a tree at 90 mph when my George died, but I'm glad I didn't.  What it would have done to my family...it would have been very selfish and senseless.

Instead, I put one foot in front of the other and kept going.  One day at a time.  Sometimes I could only handle one hour at a time or five minutes at a time.  But I've done it.  It's now eleven years later and here I am.  I have adjusted to my "life without" as much as one can.  The memories that used to bring me pain now serve to bring me comfort and encouragement.  Grief continues but it evolves with time.  It doesn't stay in the same level of intensity (thank God, I don't think any of us could handle that!), our bodies are amazing at their ability to process and adjust...more than we could have ever realized.  This journey has been long and hard but I've also grown through it, learned from it, become more compassionate, and more in depth.  I've learned what matters...and what doesn't.  I'm grateful, oh so grateful, I met George and got to have him in my life!  I'm grateful for the immense amazing love we shared together!  He made my life feel full and worthwhile.  

You will get through this.  You won't see how right now, but you will.  I know because if I can make it through, I have faith that you can too...faith even when you don't see it.

Keep coming here, keep sharing from your heart, it helps to express yourself, even if it's only venting, it's good to get it out.  I used to drive out in the woods and scream...I think I posted that recently, I'm sure I scared the deer and elk, probably the bears too.  Good thing I don't live in the city!

I doubt there's a person here that doesn't understand.  All of our relationships were as unique as our love was but we share this one thing in common:  we loved with all of our being and our grief is as deep as our love.

 

[KMB]

Hi Gonz---Sorry for the loss of your girlfriend and your grandfather. Take comfort from KayC's words. She has been very helpful to me and the others that are on here. It's a safe place to share your loss and pain.  Prayers and hugs to you.

[Gonz]

Thank you both.

KayC; that's exactly right, I feel cheated.  And I'm pissed about it.  Like I said, most of the time I feel numb but I keep having these crying fits (which is new to me, never been one to cry until now) and they keep ending the same way; I get too angry at the unfairness of it to cry anymore.  Then that fades and it's back to feeling numb again for a few more hours.

I was watching TV and there was a dumb joke, a husband griping about his wife aging, and it made me furious.  I'd give anything to see her get old.  Had to keep reminding myself that it was a stupid joke made by a fictional character.

On November 18, 2016 at 10:28 AM, KayC said:

The memories that used to bring me pain now serve to bring me comfort and encouragement.  

I said something similar to her once, after her mom died.  That the loss would always hurt, but that eventually the memories would bring more happiness than sadness.  I had no idea what I was talking about, of course, but she needed me to say something and that was the best I could come up with.  I hope it turns out to be true.

KMB, I was reading around on a few forums for about a week before I joined this one and there was one thing someone said that helped.  I went looking for it a little bit ago and it turns out it was you who said it.

Quote

I think that every day I can put behind me brings me one day closer to that reunion.

That's how I've been trying to think of it, and it helps a little.  In my calmer moments at least.  So thank you for that.

[KayC]

3 hours ago, Gonz said:

That the loss would always hurt, but that eventually the memories would bring more happiness than sadness.  I had no idea what I was talking about, of course, but she needed me to say something and that was the best I could come up with.  I hope it turns out to be true.

I think it will...of course it may be a long while before it does, but it did for me.  The pain I was in that first year...or two or three...was excruciating, maybe I've just gotten used to it but I think it's dulled.  I am still left missing him each and every day...day in, day out, but I'm as used to that as one can be by now.  The thought of ever getting used to this seemed unthinkable at first, impossible, but I'm glad our bodies do adjust, it's amazing what we can adjust to and cope with if you think about it.  I wanted to wrap my car around a tree when he died, I didn't want to do forty years without him, I didn't see how I could do that.  But I'm glad I didn't (commit suicide), I couldn't do that, first because of my faith/beliefs, and close second, because of what it would do to those who love me.  The trouble is, those that love me aren't in my everyday life like George was, they have their own spouses and lives and live a ways away from me, I don't see them much, I don't even talk to them that much.  But I know they care in their own way.  That doesn't help a whole lot in moving through my everyday life on my own.  I'm still very much alone and sometimes I really feel it.  When I've gone through surgery alone, or lost my job (three times since he died) or had a car accident or broke my arm and had to deal with it alone, including driving a stick shift car to work 100 miles round trip in pain.  I've been through hard places, alone, since he died.  I miss him, but I also like to think he is with me still, helping me shovel the snow, stack the wood, make decisions, do my best.  Perhaps he's my guardian angel.

[KMB]

Hi Gonz---it touches my heart that a comment I made brought you to join this forum. I still believe in that comment. Its the only thing right now I cling to. The knowledge that someday I will be reunited in Heaven with my husband.  I just have to somehow get through this life, according to whatever plan God has for me.

I understand the numbness and pain you feel. I also understand feeling cheated of that future you thought you were going to have. My husband had to retire from working this past February, due to his legs not wanting to move properly. I felt sad for him. I kept wondering how the retirement was going to affect him emotionally and mentally. I stayed strong for him. I was thinking, ok, now we'll have more time to concentrate on getting his health conditions more stabilized. More quality time spent together. More memories. It all ended in August, quite suddenly because his heart gave out. It was God's plan to end his suffering and call him home. I blame myself for how the human mind envisions their life and it doesn't go according to that fantasy land. I took my husband's health conditions in stride, kept the faith that God saw our love for each other and how we needed each other. I kept the faith that modern medicine and my care and love would see my husband through more years here. We don't have the control like we think we do. I struggle with that faith now, have doubted it many times. But, it's during a time like this, that we need to hang on to faith even more strongly.

I too have contemplated ending it all. Just to be with my husband. My purpose in life was to love and care for him. I don't know what my purpose is now. I have our pets to take care of. The pets that gave my husband and I joy and companionship. It would be unfair to them. Where would they end up? Who would take care of them the same as I do? I have kids and a granddaughter. They need me. Maybe God saw that my kids and granddaughter are going to need me more so in the future. They are scattered a long way from me in where they live. But they still need me in their lives to some extent. It would be selfish of me to do something drastic that takes me out of the world here. God gave me the rest of this life to do something with it until it's time for me to go to Heaven. I just don't know what it is and I'm afraid of going through everything alone. I have to have faith that things will work out the way they are meant to. God loves me, my husband loves me and all the others I've known that have gone to Heaven. When I think I'm alone, I have to force myself to remember that with God and spirit, I'm not really alone.

Gonz---I hope my words and everyone else on this site is helpful for you. We are all in pain, all struggling. We will go on, doing what each of us have to do to cope and continue on this new journey. Love, hugs and prayers to you.

[KayC]

KMB,

For now your purpose is your pets...later on you'll find more purpose as well.  I think that was one of the hardest and last things I found, it took me the longest time, but I try to find purpose in my life each and every day...being a friend to someone, helping at the senior site, helping at my church, being a good neighbor.  My kids are pretty much living their own lives and don't need me any more.  Maybe it's up to us to find some purpose, I don't know, maybe we stumble onto it, but I know I'm glad I hung in there.  Lord knows many days I didn't want to.

[KMB]

Thank you, again, KayC. This life can be so tough and confusing right now. All the years with my husband were good ones, even with the medical challenges. We got through them together. I'm thankful and blessed I had those years with such a wonderful, loving man.

[KayC]

I know.  I really wish this place had a like button!  
The loneliness hits, the feeling you wish you could share this minute but he's not there...

[Sadaf Nazim]

I just love you all.. Gonz, kmb, kayC.. I pray from all the depth of my heart to make life easy for all of you including myself. 

[KMB]

Love to you too, Sadaf---We'll get through together, day by day.

[Gonz]

Love to you all as well.  I hate that anyone else has to go through this, but the fact that I'm not alone in it is one of the very few comforts I've found.

[KMB]

All of humanity has to suffer through loss at some point in their lives. Some sooner than later. I think it is only the cold hearted, cruel person that wouldn't let loss affect them. I would think a person like that would have to atone to God.

[KayC]

1 hour ago, Gonz said:

I hate that anyone else has to go through this, but the fact that I'm not alone in it is one of the very few comforts I've found.

It does help to not go through this alone, or at least know that someone out there understands.