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My boyfriend doesn't understand my grief


Asb1993

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My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer years ago and opted for natural treatments (diet change, ect.). It was barely detectable by imaging so it wasn't too concerning years ago and after the initial scare our lives resumed to normal shortly. I moved about an hour away and began pursuing my dream of becoming a paramedic. After finishing medic school and getting ready to start clinicals in the ER my dad calls me and say something her back had been hurting...he kept telling me to come see her but nothing prepared me for her condition. The once barely detectable cancer cells had grown into a massive tumor and my mom was almost unrecognizable. Five days later she passed away and I was barely able to have a conversation with her. I put school on hold and moved back home for a little while but it's been 6 months and I feel like my boyfriend doesn't understand why this is still so hard for me...I started clinicals and working in the er and seeing people die everyday is harder than I thought and some days I just can't bring myself to go. I really care about him but he doesn't understand how hard it is to see people suffer after what I went through with my mom and I feel depressed and withdrawn a lot. Some days are really good and I'm able to spend time with him and enjoy my life but other times the grief hits me all at once and I feel like no one else understands...most of the time he just tells me that I need to find a way to deal with it and not let it affect me but I just can't. Idk if it's because he's a guy or because his mom died when he was younger and he's found a way to deal with it but it just feels like he's dismissing how I feel and doesn't truly understand. Has anyone else experienced this or have advice???

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Hugs Asb1993 ... I am so sorry for your loss.  It is hard to know why your boyfriend doesn't understand what you are going through but I am sure that he means well.  Maybe you are right and there is a lot of distance of time in losing his own mother.  It really is true that time is a healer.  You will never stop missing your mom but a time will come when your sadness will turn to gratefulness when you think of your mom.  We can't put a time limit on grieving, everyone is different.  The sadness is a result of the love we have for those who left us and that love is a good thing.  

When my mom left us my dad said something that really helped me.  He said "Cindy, we don't get over it ... we get on with it."  He is so right!  A day doesn't go by that I don't think about my mom (my dad too because he passed on 11 months after mom).  Yet in those 11 months I watched my dad cry, I watched him miss my mom to pieces yet I watched him go on with his life because he knew that is what my mom would want him to do.  He continued to work at his retirement job ... he went out for coffee with his buddies ... he cleaned the house ... worked in his garden and carried on.  In seeing this, after my dad left us I followed in his footsteps.  I took some time off work but went back when I was ready.  I carried on living the way I know both of my parents would want.   I would suggest to try to think about what your dear mom would want.  I find that is the best way to honour our loved ones who have been taken "home."  I hope somehow this helps a bit.  

Cindy Jane

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Thank you so much Cindy...this did help and I am so sorry for your loss as well. I love what your day said about getting on with it...I think part of what helps is knowing that it's ok to miss the ones you love and still cry about it and have bad days...there are always going to be rough times but living a life that would make them proud is a way to remember them. I know my boyfriend means well and I really think he just wants to see me happy again...he's had years to live without his mother and I've only had a few months so it's different...

Thank you for your encouragement and advice :)

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