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Chasisdope

My husband passed away on 10/20/16 from Leukemia

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My husband is only 22 years of age. I'm 36, we dated when he was 18 and married the beginning of this year. He was first diagnosed with Atypical Chronic Myeloid Leukemia on 2/16/15 that progressed into Acute Myeloid Leukemia. He was doing chemotherapy at a hospital in North Carolina. He went in for several rounds. The last round he didn't make it out. He ended up in the ICU and went into cardiac arrest, septic shock, organ failure, and bone marrow failure. He was fighting off invasive funguses and viral infections. 

I did not make it to his bed side on time because at that time I was living in Florida. By the time, I got there, it was just his lifeless body laying there. We've always kept in touch and spoke on a daily basis but that night when I went to sleep, his mom called in the morning at around 5ish and said he was transferred to the ICU. He never knew how serious his prognosis was. He knew nothing. Every time I asked he says he is improving since that was what the doctors said to him. I believed him. I was there for him until August 2016 when his mother ran me and my family out of town and at that time he was in remission. He only relapsed after I had already left and even at that, his mother was still being very stubborn and full of hatred towards me. I wish I was there by his side. I hate that the medical staff lied to him. I miss him so much and this pain is not getting any better. I have no one to talk to only our three year old daughter who asks for her daddy all the time. They were best friends and inseparable. He was such a great dad! My husband knew his mother's intentions but he was too ill to stand up and deal with the drama. I love him so much. 

He always made it okay out of chemotherapy when I was with him but this time after his mother tore us apart, his last chemotherapy appointment, he didn't make it. I feel so much anger at the whole situation. I wish there was something I can do to get better. I think about death a lot. I want to be with him. I can't find much of a reason to go on anymore. I love my children but life is not the same without him. Our son is eleven so he knows not to ask for his dad but my daughter asks for him all the time and that is the worst tormenting pain ever. I wish he would just come home.

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Chasisdope, 

I am so sorry for your loss and I am absolutely appalled by how his mother treated you. As his wife, you had every right to be with him at the hospital, especially over his mother. 
You should have been there with him. His mother had no right to turn you away. 

Make sure that you get a support network around you. You are going to need someone to talk to and to help you get back on your feet. 

Keep reaching out on this site. The people on here are amazing and are full of great words of advice and ever better ears. 

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KayC   

Chasisdope,

You have been through so much, I am so sorry!  I hope his family comes to and recognizes and appreciates the relationship the two of you made together and the beautiful children that are a part of that.  

It's going to be important to get some help...a professional grief counselor, hospice can perhaps help you find the support you need, and I hope you have some loving family and or friends around.

Keep coming here and remember to express yourself, it helps to vent and get it out.  (((hugs)))

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Chasisdope all love in the world to you - here on this site we know your pain.  I have similar family (his family) issues I'm dealing with.  On top of the pain you're already feeling its just so unbearably unfair.

Hold on to the thought that you made him happy; you both made your kids happy.  Some personalities in a family are unable, maybe through envy; maybe through mental illness; to accept that someone other than them could make your love happy.  Do not doubt yourself.  It was and is real.  Your man died loved and he knew it.  Be proud of that and treat yourself with kindness.

Keep coming here - there are voices that will comfort you in your depths my darling.

With love.

x

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KayC   

Loved Mrs T,

You expressed what I feel inside of me.  I hope Chasisdope comes back and reads here, it helps to know there's people that understand.

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KMB   

So very true--- it's why I keep coming back here myself. For the comfort, understanding and getting to know others that are going through the same grieving. Loss is loss, so hard to comprehend and cope with.  Prayers and hugs to everyone.

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Thank you everyone. Today marks one month of his passing. Most of my grieving therapy is done online. I have always been a forum junky and such so this works out okay for me. I am trying to reach out to his friends and family who accept me and we talk about how we love and miss him. It truly hurts because no matter how much we long for him, he's not coming back. 

Yes, I do feel suicidal at times but I can't for the kids and other family members who'd be left to deal with loss. I know how it feels and I would never intentionally put anyone else through it. I got a tattoo in honor of him and I'm really proud of it. He's a musician, hence the music clef. He put up such a fight and always wanted a tattoo but never had the chance. 

15137431_692909780863876_5884179478909155050_o.jpg

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KMB   

Chasisdope---Such a beautiful, wonderful way to honor your husband. I'm sure he is proud of you for the tattoo, since he was unable to have one of his own.

Prayers and peaceful thoughts to you.

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KayC   

Beautiful design, and I'm sure it means a lot to him.  (Yes I think they are still aware of some of what is going on).

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