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Utah Ang

Sister died from suicide in April- working through it

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I lost my first and best friend (Sister) in April, it's hard to talk about it but I'll try.  She was 42 and 5 years older than me. She has two amazing kids that are 12 and 17.  I have the 17 year old with my husband and I, 12 year old is with their Dad.  Sistuation is complicated and I'll leave it at that.  

I miss her everyday, I get so sad, mad and the regret is beyond anything I can bear.  I cry every day since it happended.  I use to be outgoing, fun, loved to spend time cooking, baking, making jams and pies.  I could smile all day, I had lots of friends and activities and have been successful in my career.  This year I have no interest in doing any more than I have too, I live in front of the TV when I'm not at work. I've lost interest in living the life I use too, or connecting, I feel like I just exist. 

Her last few months were terrible, and now the months following are even worse. She was a good Mom, she was the life of every family gathering, she held all my secrets and I miss her. 

I don't feel like it gets easier, I just get stronger so I can carry it.  I dream about her every week, some dreams are lucid like it's really her talking to me.

Any energy I do have goes to her daughter, she gets the best of me, she deserves everything good and right in this world.  

Her suicide was so violent, and it bothers me, I don't like thinking about it.  I don't want her life to be about her death, as her life was so beautiful.  I love her with all my heart and feel her loss every day, sometimes every hour.  In the beginning she was all I thought about, it drove me nuts, but I do get some relief now and can go periods of time. 

 

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Utah Ang,

I am so very sorry about the loss of your sister. Have you considered getting some professional counseling to deal with your grief? I'm no expert, but it sounds as though you are dealing with depression, and there are many solutions to dealing with that and helping you to heal. Nothing will ever replace your sister, and you will never stop loving her, but there are ways to cope with loss. Suicide is a tough one to deal with because I'm sure you are traumatized over it all. You may even be dealing with post traumatic stress syndrome. Consider talking to a professional; they may be able to help. 

We will be here for you,

ModKonnie

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Utah - it's been a year since your post.  I hope you have found some form of peace.  

My sister took her life 3 months ago.  She was 7 years older than me.  She suffered so much, and I tried so hard to help her, especially this past year.  She reassured everyone that she would never do this, but she did.  I didn't speak with her for the last 4 weeks of her life, just couldn't deal with not being able to help her.  I feel so responsible, I was the one in the family that was supposed to do something, and I failed.  Then I abandoned her because I wasn't strong enough.  Not sure how I am going to go on.  

The best to you, I hope you are well.

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CMac,

I am so sorry, thank you for being willing to be vulnerable and share that with me. I did the same thing and I feel just as responsible for shutting my sister out.  I came to find out it was this perfect storm of everybody shutting her out that last day, everybody just needing a break from trying to fix it, fix her, and just not being able too.  

It gets more manageable with time, and it’s a painful process. It one moment, one hour and one day at a time of undersanding something new, and slowly but surly I look back and see how much understanding and compassion I gained too.   I still like to sleep and watch TV a lot and think that might just not go away, but I slowly do other things a little at a time.  I think I have pushed most of my friends away, so I am just looking for new ones that can join me on this continued journey. I have found one or two possibilities.  It does take a toll on other areas of your life, like marriage, family  and work relationships.  I just have to know that will get better with time, love, patience, kindness to myself, and understanding.  

To date I’ll written 55 letters to my sister, all filled with different feelings and I just put it all on paper no matter how it sounded.  That has actually helped.  It took me over a year and a half, but I think I have some type of acceptance she’s gone, some days I’m not so sure but most of the time I understand that she is.  I also now know it’s not my fault, and that was a hard knowing to come too.  It didn’t happen overnight, but just slowly over time, and it kind of sneaks up on you.  

Guilt is something I struggle with, and my head and heart just don’t match, but it’s getting there, just letting it be, and sometimes being the observer of my feelings vs. sitting in them helps.  I attended a grief support group 5 times, but it didn’t feel like the right match of people so I stopped going, but I would like to go again as it was nice to connect, I just need to get out there again and keep looking for my people.  

I attened an Alanon meeting, at an addiction support center when my brother was going through rehab, that might have been the single most helpful meeting I’ve attended. 

Cant say I think total peace is achievable, but if you feel the feelings, go through the grief and not around it, I can say it does get a lot easier.  I did cry twice last night, but it was for short moments thinking of sweet memories, and not horrific shock ugly cry like it was in the beginning.

Relief is possible, I am here to tell you that and wanted to reply so you know it’s possible. 

I have much love and respect for your long journey you’re going through, feel free to write more if you want to talk more.  

All the best my friend!  

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