My boyfriend died over a month ago, and I've never felt so alone.

[bugsytweek]

I'm 17 years old. On the 29th of Sept, my boyfriend was murdered.

I sent him a message, but he was a hard worker, I assumed he had switched off his phone to study for the next days history test.

And then he wasn't there the next day, and this horrible anxious feeling kept rising in my chest.

 

And now it's nearly a month that he's been gone. They've found the people who did this to him, but it doesn't make it any easier. It makes it worse, cause it feels too real.

 

He was our Head Prefect (student body president) so everyone knew and loved him. And cause of that, quite a few people think that they have control over how to mourn him.

Our relationship was really turbulent, and it was pretty well known that we had issues. As far as anyone knew, we were still over - but we'd gotten back on the quiet. Cause we loved eachother.

But people seem to think that I shouldn't call him my boyfriend and I shouldn't go out and I shouldn't mourn like I am mourning but I can't be happy and and and. it is so difficult. I shouldn't care about what anyone thinks. But I do. I really do. They were my supposed best friends... and now they exclude me from gatherings and birthday parties. Their reactions have calmed down since, but it makes me feel icky. And it's made the whole thing worse. I have no-one since he died. Since my parents weren't aware we were together, they feel uncomfortable about the whole situation. His family loves me, but I hate hate imposing. His older brother has bonded with his other friends, and since they were closer with him and knew him in a different way, I'm like the outsider.

 

The last thing I said to him was horrible. I wanted to chat to him at break, and he shrugged. I said " Whatever, Abram." And he said "Whatever, Hannah." And that was the last thing I said to my first love. I sent him a message (as previously mentioned) telling him I think we should end things, and he asked why. And within an hour, he was dead. Why did I give up so easily ? When he died, did he know I was just overreacting like I tend to, or did he think it was the last straw in our relationship and that I didn't love him? Did he still love me, despite all I put him through?

His friend sent me a message telling me that one of his unknowingly dying wishes was that he'd been meaning to send "Said I loved you...but I lied" by Michael Bolton to me, but he couldn't. But I've struggled to believe it.

I am so lonely. My parents are struggling to understand and my mom doesn't want me to keep mourning. I have a few good friends, but they're mourning him too. And it's not fair to go on to them all the time. I've lost my person you know, we'd been friends for awhile before we got together and now it feels like I have no one. It's so easy to go back to purging and restricting. I know he wouldn't want me to, I just feel like I'm going to. And I can't relapse, I can't. But I can't handle life without him. It's so difficult.

I don't know what to do. I just want someone.

[KayC]

First of all I want to say how terribly sorry I am that you lost your BF in this horrible way, what a shock it must be to you!  And to have friends treating you that way just adds to what you're already going through.  When my husband died, all of my friends disappeared immediately.  My two best friends didn't even attend his funeral.  It felt like a double whammy.  That is a common grief response from people, they don't know how to handle it so they either disappear or say/do the wrong things.

It's not uncommon for your teenage relationship to be volatile, it's part of the learning process of knowing how to communicate and respond to each other.  That doesn't mean the two of you cared about each other any less.

When we are going through life, it seems very everyday to us, we have no way of knowing that today will be the day that everything will cease to exist and from here on out life is defined by that moment...hence we respond as if it's everyday, not knowing those will be your last words or the last time you see each other.  When I went on a trip with my sisters, I had no way of knowing it would be my husband's last weekend, or I wouldn't have gone!  I think all of us can say that.  

You may have gotten back on the quiet, but I'd let people know we'd gotten back and regardless you still have feelings for him, how could you not!  

Your mom's wishing away your mourning doesn't make it so.  Instead it'd be good if they'd make an appt. with a grief counselor for you!  I hope you can talk to a school counselor and they can point you in a direction of where you can get some help since no one seems to be doing that.

This is a very hard time for you.  I want you to know that it won't stay in this intensity forever, you will gradually adjust but it will take a long time.  You can't merely turn off feelings or "get over it" because people want you to, they aren't the ones going through it.  Grief is forever, but it evolves, thank God, we couldn't handle it if it didn't! It's tough enough to handle as it is.

He was Class President, he must have been pretty special!  And you must be pretty special to be the one he chose to be with.  I wish strength and encouragement and comfort for you, those three things will be what you need going forward.  You may have to tell people what you needs because they won't know automatically.

I'm glad you will do your best to not relapse, this is something you can overcome as a way to honor him.  You may need professional help with that also.  It isn't something to be ashamed of, but it is something to seek help for as it is so extremely harmful to your body in the long run...and it doesn't take long to do irreversible damage.

I don't know what motive his friend had for telling you about the Michael Bolton song, but his intentions could not have been altruistic.  Understanding that teen relationships are often confusing and it's common to have conflicting emotions at the same time as you're grappling to figure out what you want in life and how that will display itself, I hope you also realize and accept his love and know that he cared enough about you to never tell you that.  You have his friend's word for it and already can realize he doesn't have your best interest at heart.  Try to let that go.

I'm sorry you haven't gotten more response here.  If you go to griefhealing.com and post in loss of spouse & partner section, I guarantee you people will respond.  There is also a young people's section you can respond in if you want response from others who are young.  The site is owned and administered by a professional grief counselor that reads all the posts and responds where she sees the need, I've been there over eleven years.  She has a lot of resources and contacts and may be able to put you onto some idea of where you can get help.

My heart goes out to you, I wish I could give you a hug in person!

[claribassist13]

I started dating my fiance at 17, and dated him for almost three years. I'm only 20 now, and I can definitely feel for your situation. 

No matter what anyone else says, you have every right to grieve him. Your parents and friends are not going to understand. The majority of them have not lost their boyfriend, the person they loved the most. Your relationship may have been turbulent, but no relationship is perfect. What matters is what the two of you thought about it. 
Your friends are not going to know how to respond. We are so young with so little life experience... We don't know how to respond to our own grief. We cannot expect our friends to know how to respond either. That being said, they should not be excluding you either. You need their support now more than ever. Don't be afraid to talk to people about what you need. 

Your mother likely does not know what to do with the situation. I know that my parents have really struggled to support me, and they've done some crappy things as they have tried to help me. Again, you must tell your parents how you feel. People are unable to help us if they don't know what they need. 

His friend was really shitty to you. I had a friend of my fiance's do something similar to me (the friend told me that I should be glad my fiance was dead because the friend didn't think we made a good couple, which he met us after we had been together for 2 and a half years). You cannot allow his comment to devalue your relationship. You know the truth about what happened between the two of you, and only you get to determine what you what to think about it. 

It's so important that you find someone to talk to. Maybe try talking to your counselor at school to see what resources they can give you. If nothing else, I would recommend writing. You need a way to express your feelings and to keep you healthy. 
Of course, keep reaching out on here. People usually respond pretty quickly. 

If you want someone around your age to relate to, you can always private message me. I can relate a little more to some of your specific struggles. 

I am so sorry for your awful loss. No one should have to experience this.