How much stress can I take?

[Janice 252]

Hello to all my lovely supportive friends here. Haven't posted for a while as I'm feeling totally overwhelmed by all that is going on in my life. In the midst of my grief I have serious issues with my eyesight. It's never been good but has deteriorated in the last few weeks. I'm hoping it's maybe caused by the awful shock and despair I'm experiencing but I'll not know until I get a hospital appointment which could be months. My younger daughter is just about to start IVF but she is not physically or emotionally in the right place. Shes obviously grieving for her dad. However if she turns it down she goes to the end of the waiting list which is over a year. She has a little boy who is nearly 3 and although nothing has been diagnosed I worry that he is not reaching his milestones and may have a problem. So many things to worry about . I honestly don't know how I get through each day.  I miss my Bill so much and all the support he would have been giving me to cope with all of this. I just want to go to bed and stay there even though I don't sleep.  Sorry for such a sad story. I'm so grateful for this site where I can express all my fears without adding to my family's stress. I'm thinking of you all. X

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[KMB]

Janice---We are here for you. So sorry to hear of your stresses. Everything about our life now IS overwhelming. Our loss takes a huge toll on our bodies, minds, spirit. I used to never get so overwhelmed, I would just deal with things one at a time. But my husband was always my rock, my compass and he would give me the comfort of his confidence in me. It seems like everything I was capable of handling  and just living,left with my husband. It's going to take a lot of time, a lot of perseverance to find some of that again. You will too.

I hope you find an appointment for your eyesight sooner rather than later. I need new glasses and have been putting it off for years because my priority was being here for my husband. I didn't want to leave him alone for very long. Sadly, I don't have that excuse now.

Remember, every day that we struggle through is an achievement and a testament to honor our life's partner and the love and memories. Your Bill loves you and is watching over you. Someday, we'll all be reunited with our missed husbands/wives.

Prayers and hugs to you---

[Janice 252]

Thank you so much. KMB. I did write a long reply but managed to lose it. Will come later. Thanks for being there. Hugs and prayers to you too x

[KMB]

Hi Janice---I wish I could believe my own words of comfort that I give to others on here. I had a bad night, no sleep, so many emotions of sadness, loneliness. Hasn't let up this morning either. I recently read somewhere that grief is love, with no where to go with it. My love went to my husband and he is not here. A couple of envelopes came in the mail on Saturday connected to the changes of my husband being gone.One is from a bank where my husband had his IRA. When I went in to sign some forms, I was barely holding it together because it hadn't been that long ago when my husband and I were there together. Now, the bank says they gave me the wrong forms to sign and I was sent a packet of the right ones to sign. Their fault and I have to go thru this again. I haven't opened them yet, the thought has me feeling physically sick. I am tired of being tired, tired of the stress, tired of the pain and heartache. I'm afraid of turning into a bitter, angry person because the love of my life, the person for my purpose the past 25 years had to leave.

[KayC]

Janice,

I hope they can do something about your eyesight, and soon!  I don't have very good eyesight, I have Fuch's Dystrophy of the Corneas, as well as cataracts and cysts on my eyeballs (very uncomfortable).  Throw in nearsightedness (legally blind w/o glasses) and astigmatisms and it's a pain to deal with!  I can't drive at night, which is hard w/o my husband here to drive me, I miss a lot.  My son invited me for Thanksgiving but they're eating midday and it's 2 1/2 hours from here and they don't let me bring my dog and the person that usually watches him for me will have company for two weeks...so I already see the handwriting on the wall, I'll be stuck here.   I'm missing so much with my granddaughter, I wish I could see her more, it hurts.

I hope your grandson is checked by a pediatric doctor for his milestones so they can know best how to work with him.  I wish your daughter luck with the IVF.  It might be just what you all need to help you look forward and have something positive to look towards.

[Janice 252]

Hi KMB. I hope you're feeling a bit stronger now. I seem to be nearly drowning in paperwork and admin after losing Bill. It seems neverending and like you said so draining when you've no energy anyway. Who knew grief could be so physically draining. The lack of sleep and no appetite just add to the misery.

KayC. So sorry to hear about your eyesight problems. That sounds so painful. I am so worried they'll tell me I can't drive. The waiting list for an appointment on the NHS is 16 months. I have a little money so I am going for a private consultation ( which they could give me in 48 hours! ) . I know it's what Bill would have wanted me to do. Sorry you can't get to your son's for Thanksgiving. It will be a lonely holiday for you. As for my grandson I have to tread carefully as I think my daughter is in denial to some extent and she has the IVF to contend with at the moment so it's maybe not the right time. 

Hope we all have a better night and maybe find something positive tomorrow. Prayers and hugs to you both x

[KMB]

Much appreciation, KayC and Janice----It gets so hard most times trying to believe that we are never really alone, even when we physically are. God is there, angels, spirit guides and our spouses/significant others who are in Heaven. They are all there sending us love and guidance. But when you are overwhelmed, in deep emotional pain and lonely, it's easy to overlook the spiritual beings who are always here.

[KayC]

Janice,

Sometimes I think it's best to see each other at non-holiday times, less stress and pressure, but that doesn't solve the problem of what we do on the holiday now that we're alone.

KMB,

Last week was a really low time for me, but I got through it, not only a lot of demands on my time, but worries about the roof/s that are relatively new and leaking and contractors disappeared on me.  It's so frustrating!  I'm not made of money, but I don't want permanent damage to this place...I guess I'll have to get by until I file soc. sec., which will be next year.  The important thing to remember when we are low like that is we have to give it time to change, that we won't always feel the way we do in this moment, or at least it will lessen some and we'll have strength to get through it even if it doesn't feel that way right now.

When the election results came in, I was horrified.  It took a few days to process it, and it felt like I was in mourning.  I worry about our environment as I've already seen changes, with our winters presenting different, etc.  I also worry about losing my health care and going to war.  I don't have confidence in someone who has filed bankruptcy and stiffed his contractors and not paid his fair share of taxes over the years.  One of my grave concerns is what I see it doing to people, the fear they have and the acting out that I've seen on the news.  However, in the days since the election, he has simmered down from some of the rash things he's said during the campaign, so I'll give him that.  Plus having Pence helps, at least he has experience and is stable.

But what I'm getting to is this, when I was in shock as the results were coming in, I had to remind myself that God is in control, even over who he allows to be rulers over us.  I may not understand it, I may not like it, but I respect the position of the office and will pray for my leaders...and even more importantly, trust in god.  It's not that unlike the grieving we do as we've lost our spouse/partner...trusting in God to help us through this is key.  Those who have no one they believe in, no one to turn to, no future hope of believing in afterlife, they seem to have a rougher time of it.  On my other site there is someone with no such belief and hope, and it's very hard to know how to console her, the disparity is apparent.  We try to get her to just keep her mind open to the possibilities even if she can't believe.  It's not that we want to convert someone to some religion, that's not it, it's getting her to see some hope.

[KMB]

I understand, KayC---I worry about the same things as you. It's not easy having blind faith and trusting God. There is a plan for each of us. We just have to listen and be guided. Easier said than done right now.

I worry about war in this country. I worry about our environment and the wildlife. Living in the country, I've always felt close to and comforted by nature. The same as my husband. I'm lost right now, but I've noticed that when I'm outside, I feel a little calmer, try to look at things from the perspective of nature. Nature is spiritual. So many mysteries. Death and rebirth, change of seasons. Animals live in the moment. They don't worry about tomorrow.  They are, I think, more spiritual than humans. With the experience of past pets and the ones I have now, they are more accepting of change. My pets are handling the physical loss of my husband better than I am. I watch them and I feel that my husband is here giving them comfort which is supposed to pass on to me. I hope that with God's love and having the feeling my husband is watching over me and taking comfort from nature is going to help me recover to what ever point I can on this journey. God bless us all.

[KayC]

You are so much like me, are you sure you don't have a twin?   I also live in the country and love nature and animals.  I have a book called Pathways to the Soul and it talks about how how each of us has a pathway to our soul, to some it might be liturgy, mine is nature.  I, too, learn from my pets, they don't worry about tomorrow, they're trusting and accepting that they're going to be taken care of, and if something goes wrong, they take it in stride.  I also like to think of my George being there, how I wish we could connect!  someday...

[KMB]

Hi Janice--Thinking of you and wondering how you are doing? I've been in a slew of bad days. But that is the nature of what we are going through. I actually felt a little better this morning because I got a phone call. The call was from the woman who runs the once a month support group I have been attending. Because there is naturally different stages of the grief process, she knows where I am at. But she also knows that I am in deep grief. It must have showed when I was at the last meeting and it was in my voice when she called. She advises I might need to seek out a counselor or therapist. I have been thinking of it, but also concerned about the cost. She also knows I have very little support from family and friends. They have faded away. It's rough and very emotionally, physically empty when your role of wife and caregiver for many years and the love of your life all of a sudden doesn't exist. I do get out and away, I do engage with other people, just not on a consistent basis yet. I'm still trying to figure myself out and what I need and want from this new life I find myself reluctantly in.

Anyway, the phone call did help me in that someone does really care. Then I thought of you, Janice, because I haven't seen you post anything for almost a week and remembered all the stresses you were trying to cope with. Prayers and thoughts to you--

[KayC]

KMB,

There are places that charge according to your income, you might start calling around and asking until you find one.  Did she have a suggestion?
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/10/seeing-specialist-in-grief-counseling.html

[KMB]

Hi KayC---No suggestions were made for a grief counselor. I checked the phone books last night. There are a few counseling places,so far away though, but they deal with addictions, marriage. Nothing for grief. But, if I really feel the need, I can call those places and find out if they have recommendations. This process is such a roller coaster. Sometimes I do ok, but there are the times I just hit a low and it takes a lot of strength and faith to pull myself out. It doesn't help when you live in the middle of no where. This town isn't even a town anymore. When my husband grew up here, it was a lot bigger. Settled by the Finnish ages ago. People died off, young people left, and so did the businesses. All that's left is a tiny post office which is only open for a few hours a day and a community center for voting. What's left of the elderly Finnish have their special Finnish holiday meals there.The center does hold senior meals 4 days a week. Only a few attend that and no need for volunteers. The Finnish are a clique of their own.

Thanks so much for being here, KayC---Somehow I'll keep struggling through and figure this all out.

 

[Janice 252]

Hi KMB and KayC. Sorry I haven't been here for a while. I have been thinking of you both and remembering you in my prayers. The check up on my eyes went as well as I could have hoped. Nothing major has developed just a lot of wear and tear due to my short sightedness. I am just on the borderline of being able to drive which is a big worry but I'll worry about that when the time comes. . My daughter currently have 4 fertilised eggs from her IVF treatment. Please pray they stay strong and she has her much longed for baby. I've been trying to keep busy which is great until I stop and start to think again. I'm on the waiting list for counseling but it'll not be until next February. My church is having an evening "coping with the holidays" on Thursday so I'll go to that.  I was very brave yesterday. I was told about a group of bereaved seniors who meet once a month.. Took 2 trains to get there ( too much ice for me to drive) and then I had to walk into a room with 25 strangers. However they were lovely and I didn't have to explain myself to anyone. They have a great social life which I might enjoy when I'm ready for it. It was a good day but the stress of meeting lots of new people and travelling somewhere I have never been took its toll today and I am so exhausted. I know we are coping differently but I've decided to take up any offers which come my way. If it works good if not then I'll not do it again. Things that used to scare me don't any more. The worst has happened - why worry about anything else. You both seem to live in quite isolated areas. That makes everything so much harder. Hope you find some comfort somewhere. Sending hugs and prayers. X

[KMB]

Hi Janice---Yes, you are very brave---you dealt with your eye appointment, you did that for you! You dealt with a room full of strangers, out of your comfort zone I'm sure, but it worked out and now you know that you can go back to that bereavement group whenever you feel ready for that kind of social contact. Being on a waiting list for counseling isn't helpful right now, but it does give you something to look forward to.Maybe it'll be more beneficial at that later date than it might be at this time when you've been handling so many other things. You've been praying and being there for your daughter. I pray also that she gets her longed for baby.

Yes, we have to take any offers that come our way for getting away and socializing. It takes the focus off ourselves and directs the mind elsewhere. I received an offer from one of my husband's oldest friends to join him and his wife and their family for the Thanksgiving holiday meal tomorrow. Yesterday afternoon I went with the wife to visit her husband who is currently in the nursing home recovering from a bad case of gout in both of his feet. He gets to come home tomorrow for the holiday but has to go back to the nursing home and isn't allowed to come home to stay until the following Friday. On the way home yesterday, the wife confided in me that she wouldn't know what to do if she lost her husband. Even though they have grown children and grandkids, she would be devastated and lost. She said that she would probably just give up. I understand her very well. These people see my pain and loneliness and I'm thankful they are including me tomorrow.

Hang in there Janice----Love, prayers and hugs

[KayC]

One day at a time.  I hope you find some help, KMB.  It's good to hear from you, Janice.

I'm glad you'll have someone to be with for Thanksgiving, KMB, and you too, Janice.  I hope everything works out for your daughter, Janice.
I'm going to my son's tomorrow, spending the night as it's too far to drive up/back in one day (I don't drive at night, it's a five hour round trip).  Snow predictions so I'll have to come back Friday.

[Janice 252]

Hi to KayC and KMB. I hope you both got through the thanksgiving holidays without too much pain. I'm in the UK so no holiday here. My Bill did live in the states for 13 years though. We had our best holidays there and our daughter actually chose to get married in Florida - on the beach. So it's a very special place for us. Bill loved politics and would have been following your recent election with great interest. He loved meeting new people and finding out their views on things. Every cruise we took he had conversations with total strangers (who always became friends) about their view of the world. He was very intelligent and well educated. Didn't always make him the easiest person to live with but life was never boring. Went to the Griefshare meeting on Thursday and although it was helpful there was no one there in the same position as myself. People had lost parents and grandparents but no one had lost a spouse or a partner and I may be wrong but I do think it's a different type of loss. I'm keeping busy but today I chose not to go out and it was one long day. Came to bed at 7.30. Put the tv on and I can pretend for a few hours that my life is not as grim as it is. My daughter has had 2 embryos transferred and can only wait to see if it works. All I can do is be there for her and say lots of prayers. Sending hugs to you both x

[KayC]

Janice,

I think the whole world followed our election, we did not anticipate the results, but are trying to come to terms with all of the possible implications and changes it might mean...many of which remain to be seen.  It's a great country, but we have great need for improvement, as I'm sure the rest of the world can see.  Still, it's a beautiful country, I've never been to Florida, but have friends that live there.

Thanksgiving turned out okay for me, I got to see my granddaughter and that is what I wanted most!
I've had enough time to adjust to George's death, so the holidays aren't quite as painful to me as to the rest of you, but even so, holidays now and holidays "before" are two different things, and I'm not sure one ever quite gets used to the changes that means.  The truth is, I just plain old miss my husband, even as all of you miss your spouse.  No amount of time changes that.

[KMB]

Hi Janice--Thankful to see you keeping in touch. Sending prayers of good luck so your daughter will conceive that longed for child.

This journey is so rough and lonely for all of us. I'm sorry you didn't come across anyone from grief share you could relate to. Keep going, eventually you'll meet someone who you can connect with and share.

Thanksgiving day was a long, lonely day for starters. I was invited to the home of a long time friend of my husband. The only offer I got, and I decided to grab that lifeline, mostly so I wouldn't hurt their feelings. I was out of my comfort zone and did some flip flopping until the last minute. The meal was held at night and the whole family was there and they were all wonderful and polite. I lasted for 2 hours. I'm not used to going anywhere at night, the weather was wet snow and the roads were slippery but I only had to go a few miles.Not used to a big bunch of people in close quarters and I missed my husband being with me. This new, lonely life is tough and scary. My husband wasn't one for holidays. He was raised to be a workaholic by his father. The cows still have to be milked, many chores to be done. A holiday was treated like any other day. I adapted but I still cooked a big, traditional meal to honor the day for us. I was dying even more on the inside on Thanksgiving that I can no longer cook for my husband.  Christmas will be the same way. I feel like crawling in a hole and giving up. But, I am still here and somehow must struggle through.     hugs to you

[KayC]

2 hours ago, KMB said:

I feel like crawling in a hole and giving up. But, I am still here and somehow must struggle through.

Written like anyone going through grief!  I'm glad you're still here.   hugs!!

[Janice 252]

KayC Glad you enjoyed Thanksgiving and your granddaughter brought you some comfort. Family can be such a blessing

KMB I'm sorry you had such a painful time. Everything seems so much more difficult now. Like you,  I don't want this life. Nothing brings me any joy. Everything was wrapped up in our life together. Not just the big things but all the mundane everyday things we did together. Every minute hurts.  Every day I still feel nauseous. Every morning I wake up and it hits me all over again and I have to find the strength to try to get out of bed. Kay did say it would get worse before it gets better and she was so right. I keep buying enough food for 2 and then having to throw it out. Bill would not be happy. He hated anything going to waste..

It really is just getting through one day at a time. Hugs and prayers to you both  x

[KMB]

56 minutes ago, KayC said:

Written like anyone going through grief!  I'm glad you're still here.   hugs!!

Hugs to you too, KayC.

Yes, Janice, I feel the same as you, KayC is right. Feeling worse as each day goes by right now. It's at this time, a person really needs to hang onto their faith, do a lot more praying. Going into the lonely days of winter now and the holidays certainly isn't helping. All the *mundane, everyday things*, as you said, is stabbing me in the heart. My husband and I kept each other company during the winter, everyday actually. have to constantly remind myself that he is in Heaven watching over me, sending love and guidance.

[KayC]

On 11/28/2016 at 2:16 PM, Janice 252 said:

Kay did say it would get worse before it gets better

I don't recall writing that, I don't know what's worse than the day they die, but then maybe the shock wearing off makes us feel it even stronger.

[Janice 252]

Apologies Kay I could have picked you up wrong. I'm not sure if I feel worse now - I'm certainly not any better.  Today is a bad day -i just feel like I'm drowning. I miss Bill so much. It seems every second of the day there's a reminder of what I have lost. What Bill has lost, what he's missing out on. All his things are exactly where he left them . I can't remove anything. Even his comb and the change from his pockets are still there. I know there's no rush and it'll all get done at some time but somehow it seems disloyal even to contemplate getting rid of them. I know he's not coming back but maybe I can just pretend a little when his things are still there. I know that doesn't make any sense but then nothing does anymore. Did it take you a long time to get to the stage where you could cope with clearing George's things? 

KMB I know you're on the same stage of this journey as me. I guess you're getting the same reminders every day. 

On the countdown to Christmas now -or rather getting Christmas over with. I am so dreading it. I will be with family but it will be so hard. Prayers and hugs to you both x

[KayC]

I'm not sure I'd classify it as ever getting better, but we do adjust to it somewhat, little by little.  Damn if it doesn't take a long process though!
Clearing George's things...it was most excruciating!  I had to clean out his car so it could be sold and clean out his trailer (he stayed in it during the week closer to his job, which was a long ways away, so the trailer was HIM, so much!).  I didn't have room here for it and I needed the money for the car, so both had to be done right away.  You could hear the wails down the street!  Looking back, I'd never again attempt such a thing by myself.  I've always been fiercely independent, but this isn't a time for that!

I do remember packing up his clothes, but I kept favorites, I have them still.  I still have his robe hanging on the hook where it always was.  I still have a hat hanging on another hook where it always was.  And it's been eleven years.  It wasn't hard to part with his false teeth but it pained me to let go of his colognes.  Why some things but not others?  Who knows, it hits us all differently.  I panicked when I couldn't find a favorite book of his.  Years later when I was out of work I sold his leatherman pocket knife, I'd bought it for him and hadn't used it since he died, but I cried when it sold, I didn't want to part with it.  But I knew he'd want me to sell it, I needed the money for food.  I wish none of us had to clean their things out.  If a person doesn't have to, I wouldn't get in a hurry to, if those things bring you any measure of comfort, let them be.