How to respond when asked about Parent

[haviking]

To provide some context, my mother passed away some 9 years ago. Since then I've occasionally been asked, "what do your parent's do", "where do they live", etc. Thus far I've always phrased references to my mother in the past tense. Some people have picked up on the tense and others have not. Does anyone have any general guidelines on how to approach this topic without the natural awkwardness that comes with the subject?

My question is rooted in the starting of a new (romantic) relationship. How does one remain honest without throwing that awkwardness into the relationship early in? Thus far I've kept questions about family delegated toward the second or third date. What are your thoughts on this subject?

[ModKonnie]

When people have asked me about my parents, I just tell the truth, "My mother is retired, and my father passed several years ago." I've asked people about their parents, and when they tell me they've passed, I do not dwell or feel awkward; I simply move forward with the conversation. 

 

We will be here for you,

ModKonnie

[Maya77]

When its someone I just met or I will only meet once, I really dont feel going through the awkward dialogue after saying "my mom passed away few months ago". Maybe, once its a bit longer and I feel like there has been enough time in between I will say it just like that, but for now, I just keep it short and say "theyre doing fine". I live abroad so when people ask about my family I just say "yeah, they are still in my home country" or "Do you miss your parents?" And I just say "Yeah, but you get used to it" or something similar. So short, vague answers and trying to give away as least of details as I can. Only when they actually start asking about them, I then say what really happened. 

But I can totally see this really awkward when at a date or meeting someone semi-seriously. Its much easier to shrug this question off when the other person is just a random person you meet somewhere (and most likely never will see again). Its also one of the few reason I kind of put off dating and avoided certain people I knew just so I could avoid having this discussion....

[haviking]

Thanks for your thoughts. Much like your responses suggest, I feel as though it's a conversation that can be postponed at least until you get to know the person a bit better. Vague general answers don't feel dishonest to me and if you are speaking in the past tense I wouldn't consider it disingenuous.

Honestly, I created this topic just as I didn't see anything else online that really covered the topic and shared other people's thoughts. Hopefully this'll help others in a similar situation. I'll update this thread when if the conversation comes up in the near future with updates.

[Alive Ginger]

My dad left us in 2011 (insulin OD) and when people ask about my mom and dad I also do the past tense referencing to my dad.  If the conversation becomes specific I just say he passed away.  Only with more serious conversations I will mention that he committed suicide.  Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) I am a great mental health advocate and sometimes I look at the person challengingly then haha.  When they ask how I ask why it matters.  Only close people know the details because it was a messy and extremely traumatic time in my life.

 

DO NOT be ashamed of how your parent died.  I know both sides of the coin.  I'm a multiple attempt survivor myself and can tell you that your parent did not mean to hurt you, they thought they were doing you and everyone a favour - when the darkness devours you, you kind of lose track of the way things are.  But love never leaves.  So I refuse to be ashamed of saying my dad killed himself.  No, sadness killed him.  I've had people starting to probe about how it runs in the genes and then I just vaguely nod and excuse myself -- not quite ready to tell MY story.  My dad was a brave man and even heroes fall.

 

Don't be scared to talk about it.  You might teach someone something and help break the stigma and in that way help honour our loved ones who left us.  If people can't deal with the information I have adopted the mentality that, "Alright, whatever, then I don't want to get to know you better anyway.  Cheerio, insensitive moron."  

 

Anyway, starting off vague is my first step too.  And then I see how far I will be pushed.  If a potential romantic partner freaks out... maybe that's a sign.  Or maybe I'm oversensitive. 

 

I live in a foreign country too and obviously people want to know about your family.  Ugh.  So I have developed a thicker skin.  Nobody needs to know it hurts inside when I just even mention he's gone.