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My boyfriend left me a voicemail for me to hear him die


Heartbroken1986

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Heartbroken1986

 A few months ago my boyfriend committed suicide by hanging himself in his garage. He had sent me a picture in the early morning of a noose around his neck, I didn't believe him and I went running. He had done that two days before and I wouldn't running to his house and he was walking to his truck, I thought he was  crying wolf. He wasn't on that day on Tuesday morning, we really didn't argue the night before I just didn't feel like talking to him, I had no idea he was feeling anything, no pain I didn't understand anything.  What I didn't know at the time is that he had drank 15 beers and did an eight ball of cocaine that his sister told me he had done after the fact after the toxicology report came in. When he hung himself, he phoned me I didn't pick up the phone and he left me a voicemail. In the voicemail he said in a very angry voice "listen I want you to hear this" and I heard him jump off the ladder and gargle and gag for about seven seconds and it went silent. Now this was 10 hours later. I drove to his house when He wasn't responding to my texts, I called his sister who found him hanging in his garage. I saw him before the police or the paramedics got there, I was in such shock. But what hurts the most is knowing that he called me in so much pain and left me a voicemail that I will never forgive myself. Why did I don't look at the picture with the noose around his neck  Second time and go to the house, the first time I did why didn't I the second time. I think he thought I was going to come there. When he took the picture it was 6:02 AM and when he committed suicide it was 6:18 AM, I really think he thought I was going to come and save him. If I had any idea that he would've left me I would have been there in one second.  I miss him more than anything in this whole entire world and I don't think I've ever felt so depressed, sad, lonely, guilty. He was my life, we talked on the phone maybe 15 times a day, we slept on the phone at night. I can't even tell you how much fun we had, he never  showed me any signs of depression, we dated for a year and a half.  I just want this nightmare to end and I want him back, I would give anything in my life to have him back, to hug him and tell him I love you. I had no idea. They found blood underneath his fingernails and around his neck, I think he realized he made a mistake. But I think the drugs and the alcohol took over. 

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Heartbroken, 

I am very sorry about the loss of your boyfriend. I read your story several times, and  I feel terrible for you. I think it was shocking of your partner to do such a cruel, mean thing to you. I mean, obviously, he was not in a good situation emotionally and mentally, but, wow...

Please do not blame yourself. I am no expert at all, but what he did sounds so abusive. You can't live your life trying to save a person from himself and always being on edge worried and wondering. I am concerned you may need some counseling to sort through the pain and anguish of the trauma you have experienced. He may have been a wonderful person, but his treatment and expectations of you in his final days were confusing. 

We will be here with you,

ModKonnie

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Heartbroken1986

Thank you so much for your reply.  The sad part is or was that he never showed any signs of anger or depression. Actually i was the one  always felt more superior and sometimes would talk down to him. I feel like he wasn't like that before I met him, but I think the last couple of days was something I have never seen before. By taking pictures, me driving  there only to see him walking out to his truck, and then him taking a picture again two days later... and I went running instead. Is it bad to say that I miss him more than anything in the whole wide world. I'm seeing a brevemeant group tonight so hopefully that will help me on my way but thank you so much, I will read what you wrote several times because I truly feel like I need that. Thank you

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OMG, I am so sorry!  They often don't show signs ahead of time, that's why it's so blindsiding.  Welcome here, and I hope you'll continue to come here.

This sounds like abuse in the extreme, I don't understand it at all.  All you can do is try to realize that was HIS action, HIS to own, not yours.  I'm glad you have a group you're going to and I hope a grief counselor too.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/grief-support-for-survivors-of-suicide.html

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/11/surviving-spouses-suicide.html

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claribassist13

I am so sorry that your boyfriend was in such pain that he felt the need to end his life. 

You have to understand that people who commit suicide are sick. They cannot see past their own pain, and that cannot see any other alternative besides death. 
You cannot blame yourself for his actions. His depression was likely something he has been dealing with for a while, and ultimately nothing something you could have helped with. He made the choice, and unfortunately left his consequence on the rest of you. 

Make sure you are seeing someone or talking to someone. It is so important to have a support group you can go to. 

Please reach out on here if you need anything!

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I'm truly sorry for your loss. My husband who was only 22 years of age when he passed from Leukemia. He sent me a voice message through facebook when he was losing his breath and gasping for oxygen from complications due to his cancer. I listened to it once and I never did again. I can still hear his voice and feel his suffering. I love him so much but I want to get better so I'm not going to ever listen to it again. My husband passed away 10/20/2016. I'm still learning how to grieve without going into a deep depression even though it does end up going there, I try to snap out of it. I'm glad to have found this forum and be able to share my story and read others stories as well. 

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Chasisdope,

I'm sorry for your loss.  yes, it can send us into depression like symptoms, this grief journey can be a roller coaster of emotions, but we do eventually adjust to some of it enough to learn to live with life as it is, it takes a lot of grief work!

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Hi heartbroken

My fiancé committed suicide 6 weeks ago today. I know your pain, it's beyond any words. 

This is the first thing I've been able to write, I can't even talk to anyone because I can't stop crying. But I had to respond to you. 

I don't believe your boyfriends last acts were of violence towards you.  He was in an irrational state of mind, so much so that he could consider taking his life. That means he wasn't thinking rationally. Yes, you can absolutely love him and miss him. He didn't do this to hurt you. He just simply wasn't thinking straight. Alcohol is the most common cause for suicide in males. It causes a depression.

There were no signs at all for my fiancé, actually I can say that he was definitely not suicidal but he had been drinking alcohol for 2 days straight and we had an argument, he said he was going to do it in the heat of an argument, I got there too late. 

Imagine how bad I feel? The guilt is unbareable. BUT I know if he wasn't drinking, he would never have done it. He was trying to prove a point, with an irrational mind, he chose a very bad way to make that point. Like your boyfriend, my fiancé didn't mean for it to work. Because of the alcohol, he fell unconscious within a few seconds... something he definitely didn't realise would happen. He would have thought he could save himself.

Its utterly devaststing. I know my message won't cure your pain but I just wanted to say that you can get through this with love in your heart for him. So many people say I must be so angry with him, or he's selfish etc. I've never for one second thought like that, I love him and understand people make mistakes. His mistake cost him his life and has left me half-dead, that makes me unimaginably sad but definitely not angry with him.

He was my world. I can't imagine life without him. I'll always love him. 

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Also, someone said this to me.... imagine all of the bad things you said or did to each other in those last moments... imagine they are balloons, cut the strings, then let them fly away BECAUSE he would never want you to remember him by the things he said or did in the heat of an argument/misunderstanding, just like you wouldn't want him to remember you by the mistakes you made (things you said/did that you didn't mean)

it hasn't helped my guilt, but it's helped me to give our relationship the respect it deserves. We would definitely have kissed and made up if he didn't die, so it doesn't mean we still can't. I choose to remember him by the things he said/did that he truly meant, and they were all beautiful. No one loved me as beautifully as that man did. 

I might sound strong. But I can assure you I'm not. I hope my message supports you. 

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Heartbroken1986
8 hours ago, Nik B said:

Hi heartbroken

My fiancé committed suicide 6 weeks ago today. I know your pain, it's beyond any words. 

This is the first thing I've been able to write, I can't even talk to anyone because I can't stop crying. But I had to respond to you. 

I don't believe your boyfriends last acts were of violence towards you.  He was in an irrational state of mind, so much so that he could consider taking his life. That means he wasn't thinking rationally. Yes, you can absolutely love him and miss him. He didn't do this to hurt you. He just simply wasn't thinking straight. Alcohol is the most common cause for suicide in males. It causes a depression.

There were no signs at all for my fiancé, actually I can say that he was definitely not suicidal but he had been drinking alcohol for 2 days straight and we had an argument, he said he was going to do it in the heat of an argument, I got there too late. 

Imagine how bad I feel? The guilt is unbareable. BUT I know if he wasn't drinking, he would never have done it. He was trying to prove a point, with an irrational mind, he chose a very bad way to make that point. Like your boyfriend, my fiancé didn't mean for it to work. Because of the alcohol, he fell unconscious within a few seconds... something he definitely didn't realise would happen. He would have thought he could save himself.

Its utterly devaststing. I know my message won't cure your pain but I just wanted to say that you can get through this with love in your heart for him. So many people say I must be so angry with him, or he's selfish etc. I've never for one second thought like that, I love him and understand people make mistakes. His mistake cost him his life and has left me half-dead, that makes me unimaginably sad but definitely not angry with him.

He was my world. I can't imagine life without him. I'll always love him. 

 

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Heartbroken1986

Hi Nik,  I think I read your post 10 times, everything matches everything I feel. Every single thing you said resonated with me. I know he never meant to do it because he wasn't like that he was the kindest person in the whole wide world, but two days of drinking,  I know he was just trying to make a point by leaving me a message, I don't think he ever thought it was going to go through with it, that he was actually going to die. The most heartbreaking part is the way we left it, we left and I haste we were mad at each other, but I can guarantee you we would have made up.  I'm going to try that idea of putting all the bad memories of the last couple of days in balloons and break them off cut the ties, that sounds like such a good analogy. I'm so sorry for your loss, I guess we really do know how each other feels. If you ever need me you can always call me or email me. I don't know how we can do that in a private message. But anyways I'm always here for you too thanks Nik!!!! ❤️

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Hi Heartbroken

Yes, there are so many similarities in the circumstances and impact of the loss you and I have had. And so yes, we probably feel the same way. Immense shock, confusion, trauma, pain, guilt, self blame, then all of that repeated over and over again. 

Our grief is complex. I can't talk to anyone because they can't possibly understand how I'm feeling. I would love to connect with you though because you're the first person who has an almost identical situation to mine. But, I also don't know how to exchange details because I don't want to put my private contact details on the public forum. 

Sorry you're going through this, it doesn't seem right that anyone should have to feel pain like this. I'm still amazed that it hasn't killed me. 

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