Young Widowhood

[alwaysmyjennifer]

April, while raising two small children alone is difficult, you have a lot to be proud of in your accomplishments. You seem to be making the adjustments necessary in raising them, and doing a fine job. Having "normal" days and "mixed up" days is all a part of grief's rollercoaster ride. It helps if you have family to lean on and a shoulder to cry on once in a while. If not, it can be a lot tougher, but still doable.

You can probably tell by now that my wife is still with me, although in the last stage of dystrophy. We're doing whatever we can to stay together a little longer. She's in terrible pain, and often wants to quit, but she loves our children and our grandson. My daughter is 31. There's no mistype on her age in the posts. She's a 37 year old grandmother (by her step daughter). My daughter is a lot of support, visiting us for two weeks at a time to help care for her step mom. I'm proud of her, of them both.

Take your days one at a time, even moment by moment. Always let yourself live so that you only do what you are comfortable with, nothing more. Try to be comfortable in your sorrow. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. hugz, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Just a little update for you all. We went through the first half of the stress test today. The doctor said he saw something, but tomorrow will reveal if it's serious or benign. In the meantime, I've started packing, because it takes that long to pack up recording equipment. I plan to get a little work done at the hotel (like Johnny Winter??, recording in the bathroom?? - don't ask). hehehe.

Renee, I have my laptop, so you can relax. Now, where's the power button? I hope I can configure it to the internet. We use a cable modem here, so I have to switch modems. I'm a musician, not a computer programmer!

Cindysue, I hope everything is well with Byron. I worry about him. (I worry about you too). One little step at a time, buddy.

Cindisue, thanks for all your support lately. I'd be lost at sea without you. You're really one of a kind.

Now, I'm going to crash. I'm exhausted. hugzNluvz to all, Me

[cindysue]

Cindisue, Oh nooo I am so sorry to hear about your mom..I will certainly pray for her..I feel so bad for you.. My Byron seen his heart doctor today and he went over the tests with me..he said Byron has a 45 percent blockage to his right heart valve..and he said a catherzation will not work on him till he is 50 percent blocked so for now they are givin him medication so he won't be so tired and wore out and he is already havin some energy..he said even though he is only 2 years old it may not change for monthes or even years till they do anything so its like the waiting game..as long as my baby is healthy thats all I care about..I am so tired of being so wore out..I hate kidney stones man I just had them in April and had surgery..but I guess once you have them you can get them back pretty easy..too much calsium I guess..I am a big milk drinker so if I gotta cut that out it will bug me..but your right I gotta get my health up for baby Byron so I can care for him he is everything to me..it was cute he was flirting with the girls in thier smiling at them and of course they loved it..plus he was staring and the little girls around his age showing them his cars and even givin it to them..he's a rea; sweetie always sharing huis toys ..well please let us know Cindisue how your mom is doing I am really sorry to hear about her..have faith she will be ok girlfriend..well time for me to lay down I am so tired..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue and Baby Byron

[cindysue]

Mark, I am real sorry about Mary you have to be so stressed out but here you are thinkin of us and alll the time making time to let us know you are here for us..bless you...Byron went to his heart doctor again today and his heart valve on his right side is blocked 45 percent and he does'nt wanna do anything till it is 50 percent or the catherzation won't be succesful so they put him on medication to help him breathe better and to have more energy..I am so tired of worrying so much..I hope I don't end up in hosp..but probably will for kidney stones again.. gosh I hate that...please let us know how Mary is doing and I am so sorry she is in so much pain I wish thier was more they could do for her to make her more comfortable..I will continue to pray for her..and you please take care of yourself we are all thinkin of you..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue and Baby Byron

[cindysue]

Renee, Thankyou for your prayers for Byron he really needs them I hate seeing anyone sick but he is so young which I hope he can recover someday and be a normal 2 year old..its hard not having Roger here with me to share the bad times..I know he would be right by my side cryin also..and being a big support..its harder then what I thought handling things all by myself..but If Roger did'nt give me this last prcious child before he passed away I don't know what I would do..he's a gift..specially at my age..he's my miracle baby ..my grown daughters just love him to pieces and they think its pretty neat havin a baby brother he's younger then most of my grandchildren.. but anyways time for me to lay down have a great night..

Hugggs and Love,

Cindysue

[cindysue]

April...We are all here for you anytime you feel lonely or sad or just want someone to talk too..I know how it is havin a small child but you have 2 so its really hard I know but just think he too gave you 2 very special babies to love and to keep you company while he had to go..they were meant to be here and I know they won't know thier daddy but if you show them pics I am sure they will always know in that way..I show my 2 year old son a pic of his daddy all the time..and he smiles and says Dada but when my husband died he was just 15 monthes old..and he was thier seein his daddy die and it has effected him...cause he would cry for the longest time afterwards and everytime the phone would ring he would race to the ph..cause he would call him everyday..but now he plays with his daddy my husband comes to him everyday ..while he is in the crib..I can hear Byron sayin Dada and laughing and jabberin away..and when I enter the room he would point to the wall and say dada..so you see he sees his daddy everyday..he's done this since he was 15 monthes old and he is 2 now..makes me feel so good that he is being watched ..and played with..I know Roger is with me..I have told Cindisue and Mark and they believe all this too..well now its time for me to lay down...give your kids a hug..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue and Baby Byron

[withani]

Hi CindySue, Mark, Renee and April....I hate to make this one posting but it's late and have been at the hospital with mom and just wanted to make a quick appearance. I want to let all of you know how special you are and how fortunate your loved ones are that you chose them. In my mother's situation..she's been living with her significant other the past 18 years and I'm very upset about his lack of concern for her. My mother's in ICU...she has COPD which was diagnosed 10 years ago...emphysema...and right congestive heart failure. What put her in the hospital was shingles and mentally she wasn't comprehending where she was etc. She now has encephalitis and they are running many tests and I guess my point is..her significant other could only find 1 1/2 hours to spend with her today!!!! I'm fuming!!! In addition he said many off color things to my sister when they walked to the parking garage. Doesn't he know how much my mother loves him and how important it is that he holds her hand and they try to get through this???? Instead...all he's saying is he doesn't know how much longer HE can handle this????!!!!!! I hope I don't go postal!!!!

CindySue...I am happy to hear about Bryon and the medication...I laughed about him charming the little girls.

Mark...good luck with your packing and adventure. I hope Mary's stress test proves to be benign and you can be on your way to less pain for her and five years to treasure.

Renee...I KNEW there was something about you that was soooooo special. Caring for special needs 3rd 4th and 5th graders with autisum I work with 2-3 year olds with autisum/down syndrome/brain tumors which I've recently started doing ands absolutely love!

Thank you all for praying for my mother...she IS a VERY SPECIAL LADY and should have nothing but the best. I'm afraid her S/0 is going to walk from the relationship so I'm preparing myself for the worse. It'll break her heart.

Gotta get some sleep...LOVE AND HUGS...CindiSUe/Withani

[aprilmoonflower]

CindySue, (Are there 2 of you here? I'm confused! LOL!)

That is so funny you mention your DS sees his dada. I can't tell you how many times my baby (2mo) seems to be looking at something (yet nothing at all) and she will laugh and coo. I just totally feel DH presence at those times. DS (my19mo) is different. it seems like he is forgetting his dada but yet he asks for him. or rather he says dada when he sees his pictures we have hanging up and down our hallway. it's hard to explain really. before when I would ask him if he misses dada he would look around for him, but now he doesn't anymore. it just breaks my heart a 1000 times a day! Anyway I KNOW he is with us, yet I still feel so alone. such a weird feeling. Just a few days before he died I was thinking how thankful I was to him for these gifts (Our children) now I'm more thankful than ever. ok well I better try to get some sleep tonight. Talk to you all soon! Love~April

[alwaysmyjennifer]

April, ya' gotta love those two, with their play on names. You'll notice that children grieve differently from us adults. During grad school I found some info that suggested babies don't grieve. Since I started hanging out here, I'd like to correct those who wrote that. As soon as a child learns object permanence, they can grieve the loss of someone. This is why my youngest son always cried when his grandfather had to leave. Try not to be upset by their different ways. They will be able to understand more when they learn language and you can tell them about their Dad. I have a feeling they carry some memories of him. Their little minds are fascinating. I'm a musician professionally with a degree in social work (I was going to change careers, but the stage is too much fun). Have a fun day. Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindysue, try to rest a little today, and drink some cranberry juice (I know it tastes like anitfreeze, but it's good for you). I think I know some of how you're feeling with Byron. It's not easy when he doesn't feel well. We'll keep prayin' for you.

Some bozo woke me up at 7am trying to break into my truck, so I'm trying to figure out how to get back to sleep. Between my wife and my guitar, I'm usually awake all night, so I started sleeping days. I need to rethink being awake during the day while she's in hospital. Ooo. I get to see her three times a day for thirty minutes each visit (she'll be in ICU). Have a fun day with Byron. luvsNhugz, moi

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Renee, take a little quiet moment for yourself today. Do something just for you, cuz you deserve it. You always help keep me glued together when I start crumbling. I seem to be doing more of that lately. It's only nerves, but I'd be a lot happier if she wasn't in so much pain. Hopefully, this treatment will work, and she'll have a better life for a few years. As strange as it sounds at this hour, good night. hugs luv, me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindisue, I know how ill your Mom is. We're all praying for her. Don't let the things her SO said and did get to you. Men think differently than you ladies. We are taught to protect and provide, so when things happen that we can't control or protect our family from, we panic. With that, we also have some genetic predisposition to using sarcasm as a coping mechanism. Go ahead, say it. . . MEN! hehehe. We think we're about ready to make this trip, physically. Emotionally, I can put it off until eternity. I won't lie to you; I'm scared. There are too many risks this time. This is her choice, and her pain. I'll stand with her completely in her decision.

Try to get some rest, okay. If you need anything, you only need to ask. We'll do all we can for you. hugzNluvz, me

[cindysue]

April..LOL..yes is'nt it wierd thier are 2 cindysues except mine is spelled cindysue while hers is spelled Cindisue..confusing is'nt it....I heard where babies can see people thats already passed...they see them all the time...your hisband is lookin and her and watchin and even playin with her...and I am sure your little guy sees him too...but I did hear babies since them more then we do...I know my baby Byron does...like he was in the kitchen gettin on the phone and sayin Ho dada and laughin and jabbein away then he said bur and was makin kissing sounds on the phone..which he never done that before..and every night when I put him in his crib I check on him and he is covered up with the blankets tucked under him..and I know Byron could'nt have done that..its wierd cause this has been going on since my husband died...he was so close to his kids...he was always bcallin the girls his babies and they are grown at the time they hated it cause he treated them like little kids but now they miss that..my girls are 27 and 21..and we share 7 grandchildren together so I was really surprised and blessed at the age of 45 I had a baby again this time a boy..and boy was he spoiled my his daddy...but I guess it was meant for him to see him grow up..but thinkin about it he is seeing him grow up and I know at least I have faith that when my baby goes in for his heart surgery that his daddy will be right by my side..so just remember April that your dear sweet husband that gave you these precious babies is watchin them too and you also..like I said I was with my husband for 31 years married 28..and he was my life..I don't know if I will ever meet someone that can compare to him but Its not fun being alone..but I know when the time is right maybe you will meet someone that will love you and the babies...but I know no one will ever compare to the special man that you had...like I said before thiers a reason why you had them 2 kids..I pray things ease up for you and you will feel a little better...I 'll send a prayer for you and your kids..take care..

Love And Hugs,

Cindysue

[cindysue]

Cindisue, I am so sorry to hear about you mom..she has so much wrong with her I hope she is'nt in any pain..and we all understand if you can't be on here as much you mother comes first..I'll keeep her in my prayers seems like we are all havin such a bad year..sometimes I wonder if it will get any better..but we are here for you girlfriend ..like you have been for us..oyur mom is in good hands..and I hope your gettin some rest and taking care of yourself...Yeah Byron is a little flirt he likes the girls...his neise is 20 monthes old and is around his heighth cause Byron is pretty small for 2 in a half..and tofay she kept hitting him and he would look at me and pucker he gets his feelins hurt so easy I have never seen him hit any kid..he always lets them hit hhim and he even shares his toys with them..he's a sweetie..I pray the medication will make him feel good till he has the surgery just thinkin about what my baby is gonna go through someyimes tears me up..but If it will open the vlave in his heart it will be worth it I want him to live a normal life without being tired and not feelin good..well good luck with you mom I will be thinkin of her..

Love And Hugs,

Cindysue

[cindysue]

Mark, my dear sweet friend, I hope your doing ok my gosh sounds like you are not gettin any sleep you got to sleep...its not good for you to be up all the time..makes me feel so sad that poor Mary has to keep suffing all the time..I wish she did'nt have to go through the painful disease..she probably pretty drugged up...I been thinkin about you and what a dear sweet friend that you and Cindise and everyone has been on here and its truely a blessing to meet you and talk with you You always have a way to cheer me up and make me feel better specially when your havin a rought time yourself I just want you to know how much your appreciated and loved on here...you and Cindise mean so much to me..and now Renee and April..you all are great and I pray for each and everyone of you will time for me to lay down now..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue

[withani]

Hi CindySue...Mark...Renee...and April

Today my mom is coherent and so we had a good visit. She's still in ICU...I was so angry last night with her S/0 because we would give our right arms to have time with our loved ones that we have lost and he's just throwing the time away!!! It's makin' me crazy!!!!

CindySue...thanks for your prayers..they are appreciated. In Bryon's situation with your niece have him look at her and say "don't hit me"...that's what we use on the kids at school. I like it because it gets them to speak up for themselves...he's a sweetheart

Mark...I said it before and I'll say it again...I have a really good feeling about this treatment Mary's going to be going through...I know you love her with all your heart and thanks for being there for her...it warms my heart.

Renee and April...hope both of you are having a peaceful week.

Love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindysue, I'll sleep when I'm in the hotel. I don't really sleep well there either, but at least I can get six hours sleep without interruptions. You know how thin those walls are. Don't be too worried about me, I'm starting to like gray hair. hehehe. Ya know, I'm the one here with the blessing of the good friends, cuz you ladies are so amazing. It seems like you always find what's bugging me underneath all my sarcasm, and you find a way to keep my smile around for another day or so. Thanks. I had to laugh a little about the drugged up statement. I use morphine for pain, and I'd never take that stuff she's on. Too powerful. Most days, she sleeps at least 16 hours. If she's asleep, she can't feel the pain so badly.

Now, I'm going to crash. A busy day is in store for tomorrow. We need to take care of the business before we leave. Maybe I can find Cindisue's optimism, and take a dose of it. We are supposed to hear the results of the stress test by noon. I'll let you all know what's up with it.

Now, get some rest, and try to behave. If not, I'm going out there to join the fun. hehe. luvzNhugz, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindisue, I'm so happy to hear this news about your Mom. This is a big step in the right direction. I'll be sure to keep praying for you and her. If he's continuing to behave like this, I'm going to agree with you. Next week, I'm going to stay in a hotel 6 hours from home, and endure all the hotel "luxuries" like people who snore like a motorboat, and the cops doing drug busts, just to spend the ninety minutes a day they'll allow me. I'm serious, I'm allowed three thirty minute visits a day. It gets boring in between, but I'd have it no other way. I want her better, out of pain, and able to have a little better life. My optimism isn't really there, but I'll trust you on this. I've learned to trust a lady's intuition.

Still, don't let what he does effect your mind. She's your Mom, and you're there for her. If he isn't, she'll see through this in a day or two. Nothing like a woman's scorn, you know. Before they discharge her (I know it's a few days away), be sure to get a written care plan from the doctor. This will order nursing and health aid workers for her at home. She will be weak, and without the orders, you won't get the help you need. We stiil wrestle with this one. Maybe we'll get coordinated for nursing by the time my sweetie gets out of hospital next weekend.

Thank you for all you have done for me lately. You're pretty special, ya know. I appreciate all you have done for us. luvs&hugs, Me

[aprilsmom]

Just a quickie note: Mark, when one of my kids had back surgery a few years ago and was in ICU, I found this great way to sneak in:) You just relax(?) on that little bench outside the door and when they beep other people in you just run right in behind them, NO I didn't say roll over them Mark!!

Cindi- actually I have 50 kids from pre-K through 8th grade. Lots of autistic (I love them, the wierder the better), many downs, many with cerebral palsy. Today we played with parachutes although I was in the mood to kick, scream, and throw things; guess I could start with your mom's S/O huh? Going through grief while working with Special Needs kids is awesome because all the classroom staff cries right along with you. Does anybody else here notice that you've become friends with the most UNLIKELY people since your loss??? Love ya all, Renee

[jscmom]

My friend Mark,

My experinces with ICU is attach yourself to a caring nurse, they will find a way to go over and beyond. i had this experince for myself when i was there and also for my son.

Mary LOVES you so much Mark as I do my husband and that is what kept me going.

You know we all be sending hugs and prayers to you and your beautiful wife.

As far as lap tops go it is easy to modify a number if you can't do it the hotel people will help you. Know that you are not alone we all care for you and one another.

I was a widow at 21, well kind of I was 6 weeks from being married to my first love and he was killed in a single car accident drinking and driving.

You do as you tell all of us friend, eat, take care of yourself, rest, and do something for youself. All of our prayers are with you and Mary.

And to the rest of you may God be with all of you, my prayers are with you, I am sorry i did not respond as it is late I will be back tomorrow.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

But Renee, can't I run them over and crush them like little bugs? I'll behave. You should here my girls yelling at me! You'd swear I was a three year old the way they treat me. hehehe. I am a little mischievous. I promise to behave, and I'll even take my laptop. I don't want you worrying if I fell off the planet. I'm still nervous, but with all the support from everyone here, I feel better. Thanks. I must say, you have the coolest job! My almost ex worked in a group home for about two dozen adults with downs. I always told her she was a natural with them. They are so sweet to help. Enjoy your weekend. I'll be a little busy, but I'll try to write before I leave. luvsNhugs, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Lucette, thanks. I'll be thinking of you while I'm away. I'll also stay in touch. I'm sorry you've had the painful process of the days of pain. The first year is tough. For the time being, do only what you feel up to, and don't let people push you into things. This is your time for grieving, your time for remembering. Thinking of losing the one you love before you were even married is painful. Too painful. You plan and dream, yet, it gets changed in an instant. My prayers are always with you, my friend, for the peace you need. hugz, mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

OK kids, we have the cardiology approval for her treatment. She has no serious issues in her heart, so there was no heart attack. Yippee! Still was a stroke, so the risk is high, but not as bad as it would be with a heart attack. Cindisue, I really need to stop worrying. hehehe. I'll be here til Sunday, then you'll here from me Monday night or Tuesday morning, depending on my psycho puter. Luv you all, Me

[cindysue]

Withani(Cindisue) You have some great advice on me having Byron say that to his 20 month old neise..but I am abarrased and you all probably think I am a bad mommy and I feel like one and a failure not only does my baby Byron have a heart problem..and even though he is 2 in a half years old he can barely talk.. he can't even say sentences yet..just one word at a time.. I mean my poor baby can't even run very good without fallin..and I am real embarrased when we are at the store and Byron will jabber away and no one understand him..I mean I can't either ..he will repeat a word if you say it but not ver clearly...the preschool he is attending is very kids with delays..and he has alot of them from his hearing to his running...I mean what do I say when people will look aat me wierd and wonder what he is sayin...I feel like cryin..its like every since his daddy died..he does'nt do anything but point and scrwam and yell at what he want and I really do try to work with him..what am I doing wrong? I know thiers alot of you great people on here that are teachers and people that know these stuff..is he being this way cause of watchin his daddy die when he was 15 monthes old? or is it me and I am not doing somethin right...I am sorry I am down cause I am afraid he will never know anything..he is such a sweet baby..and I try to talk to him and he tries to repaet the stuff I say but it is so hard for him he says Dada when he sees Roger's pic but when he see's my pic he says Meme...and when he sees his sisters pics..he justs points and don't know what to say but he smiles cause he knows who they are...I hope someday he will be able to do more..but I don't know.. well I guess I will go before I depress you and you don't need that with your mom being so sick...I hope she is doing better I am still praying for her...good luck my sweet friend..like Mark said your the greatest..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue

[cindysue]

Mark, My sweet dear friend...I am so happy Mary did'nt have a heart attack thank the Lord for that..I pray she has more years with you so you can enjoy what remaining ...I pray for that...I am kinda in a depressed mood like I told Cindisue I don't know why at 2 in a half Byron is so behind..in his speech and his running and walking...it makes me feel so bad like I am a bad mommy...I want him to do so much..I am depressed he has a heart condition and depressed he can't run and play like a normal 2 year old..but maybe someday he will be where he supposed to be...I really am tryin but I feel so depressed when he points and somethin he wants and grunts and screams till I get it for him and if its not the right thing he gets on the floor and bangs his head cause he gets so frustrated and then it makes me upset..cause I want to know..and when I take him to the store anad people talk to him I wonder what they think when he jabbers back without makin since..like I told Cindisue I don't even know what he is sayin.. Well I guess this is one os my depressed moods again...the harder I try with him the more of a failure I feel like I am...well maybe he is effected by his daddys death ..I don't know I mean maybe if he did'nt see it..when he did..I mean I am still effected by seeing him die withour warning...I mean what does he actually remember...oh well Mark please have a safe trip when you leave we will all miss you terribly...and I will continue to pray for you dear sweet Mary...Bless you for always being here for us..

Love Nad Hugs,

Cindysue..

[cindysue]

And if I do not spell nothing right I apoligise I always screw up on my spellin when I type to fast..so sorry everyone..

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindysue, first of all, I was also born with a heart condition. It created a few delays at first, but I managed to get two masters degrees. I also drove a truck for 14 years, and a race car. Everything the docs said I couldn't, guess what, I did. Byron will catch up to the rest of the kids his age, and he'll do well. He's blessed to have a Mommy who loves him so much. I didn't get too much of that in foster care. You have a bit of a self esteem thing, mostly from the way your mother belittles you. Take it from a kid on the other side of the tracks, you are one of the most beautiful people in our world. If more Mommies cared for their children the way you do, we'd have a better world. My wife and I are now feeding four more children because the loser next door won't feed her own kids. You're priceless. I mean that. And don't worry about your spelling. When I'm on my IM, my girls have to decipher something that's half french, half dyslexsia (really). We know exactly what you're saying. Here's a big hug for a great Mom, doing a beautiful job with Byron. I'm proud of you. luv ya, Me

[aprilsmom]

How is Cindi's mom doing? Mark, are you packing for the trip? It always amazed me how I take a week to pack (even keep a list in my suitcase) and my husband can pack in 5 minutes!!!!!aaaaaaaaaaaaghhhhhhhhhh.....his attitude: "If I forget it, I'll buy it". Needless to say, he never needs it when we get back. It is an absolutely beautiful, calm, cleansing morning here in California and I'm going for a walk or I will sit here and type all day. Love and Peace to all of you here, Renee

[withani]

Hello CindySue...Mark...Renee and everyone

My mom is moving to a step down unit in the hospital today which is good..she seems to be slowly recovering...the drama is starting though..her SO for the past 20 years and the reason she left my dad wants her in a nursing home. Fortunately a have a brother and two sisters along with myself that are NOT going to let that happen. My mother told my sister yesterday that he's been saying the past couple months that things are not the same...they're 73! Anyway...looks like he's bailing and they built a house together a few years ago so lots going on here. I can't believe someone would do that after 20 years..sad.

CindySue...don't worry about Bryon girlfriend...he's just developing slower..my oldest son had developmental delays..it's just the way Bryon is wired and it may have nothing to do with his father's passing. Don't be embarassed...just love his. His school with help with his speech and if they don't have a speech pathologist maybe you could hire one to work one on one with him. For some reason many boys it seems have delays. They called it with my son sensory integration dysfunction and I used to take him to speech and occupational therapy. He's 26 now and crazy as it sounds his dad is STILL in denial that he's different. Love and hugs...CindiSue

Renee..thanks for asking about my mom...long week but fortunately it looks like she's on the mends. Just angry now with her SO!!!! I guess one things for sure...things change. Hugs..love..hugs!!! CindiSue/Withani

Mark...I hope you have a safe trip and will look forward to reports on Mary's treatments. You're a special guy and Mary is a special woman and it warms my heart that you two kids are exploring every option TOGETHER!!! Hugs and love...CindiSue/Withani

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Renee, I packed last night, and it took about an hour. It's a pain packing recording gear. I hope to get a little work done while I'm there. If I forgot it, I replace it, and I'll destroy it with use or abuse. hehehe. Men are pathetic.

Cindisue, I'll be very careful with the little four wheelers. Rest your mind, I have over 1.2 million safe miles under me. Not in a wheelchair. I'm staying close to the hospital, so I can be lazy and not drive for once.

April, you may need to keep an eye on these girls. They're a little mischievous. hehehe. Take care of yourself through the week. They'll take good care of you, too. I have full confidence in them.

Cindysue, you take it easy, and don't worry too much. Byron is going to be fine, and so are you. Just keep him out of the peanut butter. If you need anything, feel free to give a yell. I'll write by Tuesday.

She wants to leave here in the morning. If I get out of bed before lunch, you're pushing it. Well, if I must, I'll come to life by 10. Then I get to spend the afternoon with my nieces.

luv y'all, with big hugs, Me

[cindysue]

Cindisue Mark,Renne...boy my year is going bad my mother-in-law just got killed Saturday morning my father-in-law was driving the car when he went through a red light and another car hit them and she was rushed to the hosp...she was ok at first till like an hour later she collasped..and they said she was bleeding in the brain..and it was so bad..where they could'nt even do brain surgery my daughter called me up and said het to the hosp..grandma is dieing so I got thier on time she died an hour later.. All I can say now id now she is with my husband...(her son) he will be thier on the other side waiting for her..my father-inlaw is blaming himself he's been cryin so hard he said I killed my wife...he go;s first I lose my son last year and now my wife..he is heartbroken..he is 83 and she would have been 82 Friday..it was her birthday then.. and I am depressed cause Saturday would have been me and Rogers annervary if he was still alive we would have been married 29 years..that day is comming up and I don't know if I can be strong for that..my heart is broke for my mother-in-law ...and I miss Roger so much so Saturday will be a very rough day for me...I can only pray my dear father-in-law can get through this...he is such a sweet man...he was married for over 60 years...the funeral is Wed...so looks like my year is such a bad one with losing my husband and now my mother -in law and now I worry anout losing my baby Byron..I am sorry I can't help but worry.. about that..I have hope that even though he has a heart condition he will be ok...but he is so little...sorry my dear friends for worrying so much..Its just that I have lost so many people ...Cindisue I hope your mom is doing better she's been in my prayers every night..and Mark I hope your dear sweet Mary is ok..I wrry about her so much and you and Cindisue...I hope you are all gettin the rest you need...and Renee I hope you are doing ok I know that holidays are comming up for you and I hope and pray it will be ok for you..its so hard being alone for the holidays..And You April I think about you also..as I know you and the kids will be without thier daddy..I'll keep you in my prayers also to get through the holidays last year was my first Thanksgiving and Christmas and I can't say it was easy it was very hard I think I cried all day..while everyone is happy and smiling...even though I was around family it was'nt the same...samre gors fo r you Cindisue I know it will be your first Christmas without Gary ..hang in thier girlfriend I will always be here for all of you...now I gotta learn to cheer up myself...you all have a goodnight..

Love and Hugs,

Cindysue And Baby Byron

[withani]

Oh CindySue....I am so sorry to hear about your mother in law. What a tragic thing to happen at her age...the only thing that can make it bearable as you know is imagining her with Roger. I hope your father in law can come to a place of peace. Thank you for the prayers for my mother...I stayed all night at the hospital last night and went from there to work today so I'm really dragging. I'm worried about my mom not only because of her medical problems right now but also because her S0 of the past 20 years wants to split up. They're 74 and he says they're not growing together any more...it just makes me so sad. I'd give anything to have Gary here for the Halloween parties this weekend...as you know...it was our holiday. How can someone who professed to love someelse just throw it away like that???? I, sure baby Bryon will pull through with flying colors girlfriend...take care...I'll pray for you...lots of love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[withani]

Mark...I know you're busy with Mary's treatments..just wanted to let you know you two kids are in my thoughts and prayers...hugs and love...CindiSue/Withani

[lindasdaughter89]

Hey my name is Nikki. I'm Mark's friend. I'm actually from the loss of a parent and from the I believe in God message board.

Mark wanted me to post you all and let you know this... So far its going great and she is doing so well and if everthing keeps going like this it's going be really good.

Thoughts and prayers are with you all

Linda's daughter

Nikki

[cindysue]

Nikki, Thankyou so much for letting us know about Mary as you know we all have been praying for her so much and we all hope Mark is holding up also we have missed him alot..thanks again for letting us know..

Hugs,

Cindysue

[cindysue]

Withani(Cindisue) Well I went to the funeral to view my mother-in-law she looked good by my father-in-law is just so broken up..he can barely stand cause he was so upset..tomorrow is the funral..Me and my oldest daughter Tina..got into a major fight this even..everything I told her in confidence she told my mother..then me and my mother got in a fight..I swear my daughter never stops she's not happy till she can make me unhappy..Tina and me never got along the greatest..she was alot closer to her dad..she has even told me in the past she hated me..so I believe she does'nt love me like she should...sometimes I think she wishes I was dead instead of her dad..so I am just gonna stay away from her she makes me to unhappy..like I said she is'nt happy till I fight with everyone..just like when Roger was alive me and her would get in a fight and she would cry to her dad and sometimes he thinks I was picking on her cause she cries..and now that she can't do that to Roger she is workin on my mom and of course my mom believes everything she says..I fought with Tina for about 30 min on the phone and then my mom calls and fights with me her and my stepfather bitch me out for like an hour on the phone..so all I am doing now is cryin I am tired of being called a bad mother by Tina and my mom..I just feel like giving up...Tina is 27 and like I said me and her were never that close now me and Angela are really close..she is 21 but she pretty much stays out of it..cause she is close to her sister also..so it makes it hard to see her mom and sister fight all the time..least Angela is here her ad the babies..I was so happy to see them they are stayin till Sat..her babies are 2 and 6 monthes and they are so adorable and they love playin with Byron...Cindisue I need somethin from you and Mark..please stay with me..cause I am gettin worse I am gettin more depressed and I doon't know what I am gonna do next I have thought of leaving Byroon with Angela and taking sleeping pills cause I can't live likr this no more I mean I am eveb bitched out if I talk on the computer with anyone..I can never make no one happy..I love my Byron and will do anything for my baby,,but he needs a happy mommy not a sas one maybe domeday I will be happy again...Please I nned some exstra prayers for him,,,well I m really to drop so i will talk to you soon agau=in,,

LOve and Kisses,

Cindysue aaand Byronbaby

[lindasdaughter89]

Cindysue,

I will be updating this board as much as possible as the information comes to me about Mark and Mary at least until he can get access to a computer himself.

Please know that my thoughts are with you all.

Nikki

[withani]

lindasdaughter89....I am sooooooo happy to hear Mark's good news. I mentioned to him before he left that I have a good feeling about these treatments and I pray to God that Mary will be relieved of some of the pain she's been carrying. Thanks for writing to us...hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[withani]

CindySue...hang on there girlfriend...I know that you have been through more than anyone should recently and I'm sorry your oldest daughter and mother are giving you a hard time. Please don't buy into what they are saying. Angela appears to be good for you...she and your grandchildren are uplifting and you need to keep it that way!!! You are a WONDERFUL MOTHER CINDYSUE...I believe that with all my heart. I can understand why you're feeling depressed...I'm so sorry to hear about your mother in law...tragic. Have you ever considered antidepressants??? Is is possible for YOU AND BRYON to make a move??? Somewhere away from your mom and closer to Angela??? Or me???? Your environment is pulling you down CindySue and you have so much to offer the world!!!! That's why you're here girlfriend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There's a plan in the works you just don't know about yet!!!!!!!!!! You are loved by me...by Mark...by the people who know you and don't want anything from you. Please hang on...I'm sure you will find your calling soon. Lots of Love and Hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[cindysue]

Withani(Cindisue) I am so sorry I could'nt spell too good lastnight when I wrote you I took a sleepin pill while writing it..so I know my spellin was pretty bad..I went to the funeral today..and my daughter Tina ignored me and treated like she idi'nt even know me which hurt..sometimes I wish it was me that died that day in the boat then maybe I could be out of this pain..of fighting with my daughter and mother..my stepfather even told me I know you don't love Byron if you did you would'nt rely on pain pills..I have fibermylergia and I hurt alot so the doc has me on pain pills and other stuff and my mom and stedfather thinks its all in my head and they said start thinkin of your baby..I been on xnax I know I did'nt spel that right but I think sometimes I need to be back on it...I am not gonna talk to Tina anymore I just can't handle her tryin to start trouble..I wish she could love me like she did her dad..but it seems like when she is low on money shes real sweet and nice to me and I end up giving her the money well thats gonna stop I mean when somethin breaks down here I call tina's husband to fix it for me and I have to pay them each time they won't do nothing for me for free I even have to pay her to watch Byron overnight If I do go out..what can I do I still love her she's my daughter all I ever want is apprciation and I get nothing from her or my parents..I feel so alone Angela leaves Sat..and after she is gone I will be all alone again..I am in trouble if I don't see my mom for awhile but its hard I don't wanna see her if I am gonna be jumped on from her and my stepfather...thats why I stay away...my mother-in-law that just passed away treated me just like I was her daughter she constantly told me she loved me..she was well loved at my husband funeral thier was over 350 people that came to his..he was well loved and at her funeral it was close to 300 people so they were all a great and well loved family people were even standing outside I remember at Roger's funeral...I am so depresssed Saturday would be me and Roger would have been married for 29 years how am I gonna go on that day without him..we always celebrated..Cindisue sometimes I wonder if I should move away..but why am I so scared too..I mean I am scared my mom will get mad..I never know from one day to the next what mood she will be in ..and if I am in trouble for somethin..she tells me she loves me but she keeps sayin she is worried about Byron all the time ..and she checks on me constantly to make sure the house is spotless..if its cluttered even a little then I am called a bad mother..I mean its hard to keep it spotless with a 2 year old..but oh well I guess maybe they are all right and I am the wrong one..seems like I do nothing right anyway..thanks Cindisue for being here for me..it helps..I hope Mark comes back soon he is missed alot..well thanks girlfriend for your love for me thier for awhile I feel like no one cares no more about me..and thats a depressing thought..I am sorry for my spelling lastnight..talk to you soon again..maybe I will feel more happier soon...

Love And Hugs,

Cindysue

[lindasdaughter89]

Okay maybe I'm the lost one... Of course... I'm just here to pray and update it for Mark, but I do want you all know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Who is Withani and who is Cindisue... cause you all got me lost.

Here is a news update from Mark.

Mary is doing wonderfully and Mark... is so very thrilled. As you can imagine. Please continue to pray for him and Mary please... I know this treatment is rough, but... God will get them through.

Thanks again

Nikki

[withani]

CindySue....it's late so this letter is short..sorry...I understand how you feel about your oldest daughter. My oldest son Ronnie and I don't communicate...he's always been his father's son (we've been divorced 12 years) anyway everytime he has spoken to me it's only to cuss me out..last year I told him he should live his live (he's 26) and I'll live my and I won't call him anymore because I shouldn't be treated like that...as his mother I deserve some respect. Cheer up...it happens to a lot of us.

Sorry you're being harassed...you're loved girlfriend...hang in there!!!! Love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[withani]

lindasdaughter89....that is WONDERFUL NEWS...thanks for sharing!!!! Withani/CindiSue (by the way there are two CindiSue's...one with a "y" and one with an "i"...I also go by Withani which stands for with an "i")

[lindasdaughter89]

The news just keeps getting better.

Mary is doing awesome. Mark is so very happy. You just can tell... His daughter keeps updating me so I can update you all. Now that I know there are two of you all... haha... I hope you are all doing okay. Know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. Loosing anyone can hurt so very much... this I know.

May God bless and keep you all in his loving arms. He'll give you the strength to breathe again.

Love and prayers,

Nikki

[joadriana]

My boyfriends wife died in a car accident on monther\'s day 2004. Through discussions with Mark (my boyfiend) his children, daughter, she is 13 and son, he is 15, I believe that she was an amazing wife and mother dearly lost.

I met Mark in April 2005. We are in love. However our relationship is not easy not just for us but for his Son (His daugther loves having another female around), Mark\'s Mum and obviously mark\'s wife\'s family whom are not aware that he is trying to move on with his life for him and his children. (By trying to move on I do not mean forgetting about his wife)

I am not sure whether I have done the right thing by seeking advice, information etc on this site. His wife\'s death was a tragic, tragic accident however I have found a loving and caring boyfriend that I wan\'t to support through his difficult times and his families difficult times but don\'t know how to or where to start? Sometimes it is hard to realise that if his wife was still here I would not be with Mark.

Mark is a proud and strong Man. However at times he feels guilty about having met me for Anna and her family. When he is low he believes he should seek help, instead of taking his grieve out on me!!! But when he is fine obviously he does not see the point! I believe he is stronger than most people as he has been through some of the stages of his grieve already BUT I would like to help him during his low times but how?

Mark and his daugther go to visit her grave every Sunday, His Son will not. He does not say why but I believe he is not coping very well. July this year was the last time he has cried to Mark but I feel he bottles his grieve in. I know he finds it hard seeing Mark and I together but does not show this to me other than welcoming me as much as he possibly can, he is a good person.

I also find it diffcult at times but feel totally selfish if I speak out, somethings mark and I have spoken about but others I keep to myself. I find it difficut at times knowing that mark loved this person (and always will) that I have never met and will never trully know. At times I resent her family for not wanting MArk to move on and it seems at times they want him to remain in a permanent state of depression. I know this sounds hard and selfish but sometimes I do think this not really understanding what they are feeling.

I think I have gone on enough, if anyone can offer advice or inform me where I can seek advice? I would be grateful.

Thanks You For taking the time to read this message.

[aprilsmom]

Hello Joadriana, You might wonder why I'm on this thread since I lost a daughter and there is a thread for that as well. I came here to TRY to understand what my son-in-law is going through and I hope it might help you as well. Bobby (28) and April (26) were together since they were 16 and Bobby just became one of our family; even there when my youngest son was born. April was taken from us last November in a horrible auto accident. I want you to know that it's not that we don't want our son-in-laws to go on, we do want that desperately. It's got to be hard being the new girlfriend on the scene; I prayed that Bobby would meet someone that would not have a family that would WANT US - BECAUSE THAT WAY WE WON'T LOSE BOBBY TOO! Even though I've been pretty specific in that prayer, I know that it is not likely to happen that way. It must be even harder for your boyfriend's family - my daughter did not have children yet; and of course, it's hard on you too. Well, I hope I gave you just a little insight, and it's only how I feel. April's 2 brothers and 2 sisters have lost a sibling and will probaby lose their brother-in-law as well. I pray not; maybe you have some advice on how we can interact with the new girlfriend so that everyone can go on with their lives without hurting each other. Be glad that you didn't know his wife before the accident, you will be accepted much easier! Although I would love it to be someone April loved I know it is someone that had her sights on Bobby before the accident that made my daughter unhappy - that hurts like crazy. You sound like you have a good heart; the fact that you are able to accept that he loved her and always will says a lot about you - it doesn't mean that he can't love you as well, I hope all of you involved will be blessed. Take Care, Renee

[cindysue]

Hi Joadriana..I can feel your lost..sounds like you are good for Mark...and I know how diffiuclt it might be for you..I lost my husband last year Aug the 1st 2004 of a massive heart attack..he was 46 and it was a tragic aweful shock we were on vacation and he was holding our baby our son was just 15 monthes old and he was driving our boat when he had the attack and he died instantly no one could save him he died on the boat..we have 3 kids together 2 girls that are grown 27 and 21 and a surprise baby boyhe was my last special precious gift from my dear husband,, our son is 2 years old now..and we found out about a year ago our son also has a heart condition and will reguire a heart catherzation soon..I was married for 28 years before my sweet husband passed away..its been hard I went out with a guy a few monthes ago about 4 times he was a widower also. we went out 4 times but I decided I could'nt go out with him any more then just recently I found out my oldest daughter has resented me going out with another guy..she never told me till lastnight and I wondered for a long time why she was picking fights with me being rude here she was mad cause she thought I forgot about her dad and never loved him..thats why I dated 11 monthes after he died..now its been 15 monthes and I don't think my daughter ever will wanna see me date..she was a daddy's girl..so I kinda am alone now and not seeing no one..I am not even sure if I can give the guy my full attention when I am still in love with my husband..but its sad cause my 2 year old will see a pic of his dad and go's Dada he remembers he smiles at the pic and carries it around everywhere and even talks to him he jabbers away in his crib and whrn I walk intot he room he will point to the wall and go Dada and I never see nothing but he does everyday..so I know Roger is thier with him..but anyway I think your good for Mark..and eventually the kids will except you..just takes time ..they are still grieving for thier mom..I know my kids still are but I know I have to live again also..my baby he does'nt really understand..but I always sow him pics he had a great daddy..but if thier anything we all can help you with let us know Renee gave you good advice she is a smart lady..and thiers a couple of others on here that are real awesome also thier WIthani(Cindisue.) her name is Cindisue but spelled with a i instead of a y like mine then thiers Mark..they both are great people t talk to and gives excelleant advice..and I know when they see your letter they will write you also..take care and I will keep you in my prayers...

Cindysue

[withani]

Joadriana....what a wonderful woman you are! I sincerely mean that. The interest you take in Mark and his families grieving process is heart warming. All too often it seems that the "new" person in a relationship gets tired of hearing about the loss of a loved one and jealousy creeps in. I lost my significant other of the past 11 years this past January and with feeble attempts of trying to relate to someone else to date I'm finding all too often they get upset hearing me talk about my beloved Gary. It makes me sad and so I find it difficult to be interested in a relationship. I don't have the overhead of Gary's family...long story...but he was never close to them (dysfunctional family at it's finest)..they didn't contact him and I haven't heard a word from them as well. Anyway..it's touching how you want to be involved and be of some help...thanks...hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[withani]

Lindasdaugher89....Nikki...THANK YOU FOR THE NEWS!!!! I am just thrilled for Mark and Mary!!!! Can't wait to keep hearing updates! Hugs...CindiSue/Withani

[withani]

CindySue...hope you're hangin' in there girlfriend...as always my thoughts and prayers are with you. You're young and deserve to find some happiness left in this life...Roger wants it that way I'm convinced. Love and hugs...CindiSue/Withani