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Found 24 results

  1. Today marks a month since I found the love of my life nearly paralyzed, a month from that night when he passed away. It hasn’t gotten easier. His services haven’t happened yet. I can’t think of a future without him. I can’t envision myself going on like this. I know, I’m only 29, but there’s no doubt in my mind that I lost my soulmate, “the one,” as cliché as it is. What he gave me can’t be described in words because it was just so much. Every day I go to sleep bawling my eyes out and wake up cursing myself for still being alive. I wouldn’t do anything to hurt myself but if there’s even a minor chance that we could be together in some sort of afterlife, I’d prefer that to this. I’m not even really living anymore — I can’t — I’m surviving. The depression that has overcome me has completely debilitated me. I’m not functional, I first welcomed guests yesterday. I moved in with my parents after he passed which has been helpful but it’s not where I thought I’d be or what I wanted. A month ago, we were planning a trip, getting ready to go somewhere. We were talking about our future, about children, about our long term plan. All of that has changed, in the course of a month. The only thing keeping me going is the thought that we’ll one day be reunited. I’ve sought spirituality, guidance, a belief in something beyond what there is now. I know he’s out there; I know I’ll see him again. I’ve felt him, dreamed of him, talked to him. He’s still not here. And no matter how “good” I get at communicating with him myself, nothing will bring him physically back, and that’s going to always be hard for me to accept.
  2. This is mostly a way for me to cope by talking about my loss. Our Golden Retriever Charlie was diagnosed with a cancerous tumor on his muzzle in October. We were devistated as he was only 4 at the time, and we couldn't just let him go. After some screenings and testing it was determined he had a high chance of recovery with radiation treatment. My mother was able to take a large amount of paid time off so she could take him and live in our camper in a campground nearby the treatment center for the several weeks he needed treatment. The treatments started late October, the rest of our family including our other Golden, Phoebe, would go out to visit them on the weekends. He was doing very well, happy and healthy despite the mouth ulcers and fatigue caused by the treatment. We all thought he was going to fully recover. Then yesterday we got a call. When he was put under anesthesia for the treatment as they always had, his heart stopped beating. They tried everything to save him but it was too late. It wasn't anyone's fault, we don't blame the medical staff. It was a risk we had taken. He was supposed to come home next week. He was just barely 5, his birthday was November 6th. The entire family is devastated. He was the first dog me, my mother, and brother had ever owned, and probably will be the best dog we've ever owned. It was impossible to meet him and not fall in love with him. He loved everyone and everything, and would go up to complete strangers wanting to be pet. He was very goofy, he snored like a person, belched like a sailor, loved to steal all kinds of things, and liked holding blankets in his mouth. He's made us laugh countless times. It's so unfair that this wonderful dog who made so many people happy had his life cut so short. It wasn't his time. He was especially close to my father. They had a special bond, Charlie loved him more than anyone in the world, and that's saying a lot for a dog who loved everyone. Charlie's favorite thing to do was lay by my dad's rocking chair, blanket in his mouth, holding up a paw so my dad could hold it as if they were holding hands. Charlie was most definitely my dad's soulmate. My mother is devistated. She blames herself, the sort of "If I just hadn't got out of bed that morning." I'm not sure if she'll be able to go camping again for a long time because of all the memories the camper has for her now. My brother has been quite in his grief like I have, but I know he's devistated too. Phoebe is at least already used to Charlie being gone due to their separation, but she just doesn't act the same without him around. She's confused as to why my mother is home but Charlie isn't. My parents let her see his body last night, but she didn't understand it was him. (I didn't see his body, I want to keep my memories of him alive and happy.) It hurts me so much to see my family hurting like this. More than anything I just want to see them happy again. But I know it will be a long time before that happens, and it kills me. I just want things to be 'normal' again. But it never will be because part of our normal is gone now.
  3. Hi, english is not my first language so I am sorry for any grammatical errors. my boyfriend passed away two weeks ago from a seizure in his sleep, I was not with him since we are currently doing long distance. We had been together for almost 5 years and he was going to propose this upcoming December, we were to get married in May. I am utterly lost without him. Seven and a half years ago my sister passed away when she was 19 and I 17. She was my best friend and the only person on this earth I trusted. I managed to live with the grief, and knew she wanted to me live my life to the fullest. two and a half years after her death I went to america to go to college and live out my dream. I met my wonderful boyfriend freshman year in college. He has helped me through the grieving process of my sister, helped me get over my eating disorder, and helped me learn to love and trust again. He was the only person I could talk to, cry to, and be myself around. I knew not to take life for granted, but statistically speaking I couldn't think it was very common to lose the person you love the most twice, specially not since I am only 25 years old. But it happened. I don't know what to do or think. I am really struggling with my faith in god. I just want to sleep and never wake up. I would never kill myself but life just seems hopeless when everyone I have ever truly loved, and anyone who has truly known me dies. How do you even move forward after something like this? I have friends and family to support me but I am not much of a talker. I still have not really cried since he died except when I got the call and at his funeral. I can't eat, I can't sleep. I feel like a zombie walking around. I can't stop thinking about the wedding we had planned, our future together, our children that will never exist. If anyone has been in a similar situation I would like som advice. I already know about grief. that it never leaves us from my sisters death. but I don't know if I am strong enough to go through with something like this a second time. Specially when I am truly struggling with my faith in god.
  4. I sincerely don't know if anyone is going to read this...I guess I just need to talk to someone who understands, even if it's just the void. I have always been difficult with men. Not the 'spoiled little brat'' kind of difficult, but the 'weird person'' kind of difficult. I struggled a lot when I was a teenager because I realised that I was attracted to older men and everybody around me thought that was abnormal. It took me many years to finally feel ok with myself and after various crushes -more or less insignificant-, I found love at 22. This man was everything I had dreamed of and the more I discovered his personality, the more in awe I was that such person could A) exist, and B) be interested in me. We were together a year and a half, by far the most wonderful time of my life. I was living the kind of happiness that makes anything that had come before it look so very dull. We were soulmates. He was my first everything and I simply couldn't believe my luck. Halfway through, he started having hip pains, then back pains, that got stronger by the week. After three months of trying everything, we found out. Lung cancer that had spread to the bones, brain and lymph nodes. He was hospitalised during the last three months of his life and I was by his side every single day. Call it denial, call it immaturity, I never thought he would die; but neither did he. We spent every day together, strong and determined to win what we considered would be a long and hard battle. But he died, three months ago. I still can't believe he is gone. I still haven't understood what happened. I'm in a state of shock and denial where I still expect him to come back. I have lost all my will to live. I keep wishing my heart would simply stop beating. I'm not religious, so I don't know if we'd be reunited, but at least I wouldn't have to bear the crushing weight of a life without him. I feel like my soul has been chopped in pieces. Everything has become insignificant and even the other sources of happiness of my life -my friends, my work- fail to give meaning to my existence. I don't have the will or the courage to move forward, be active, be productive like anyone at my age should. I'm supposed to have my whole life ahead of me, but I feel desperate and I don't want that life without him. My brain hurts just by trying to process what happened, and when I try to imagine my future, all I see is darkness. I don't know how I'm supposed to move on after the loss of such perfection. How am i supposed to go out with other men when they all mean nothing to me compared to him? I was lucky enough to find happiness very early and unlucky to lose it early too. All I wish is to go to sleep and never wake again. I simply don't see a point in living a life where tragic things happen so easily, were extraordinary people are gone in the blink of an eye and all colour and true beauty is lost. I feel old. I feel like no one understands, because they think that my young age is supposed to make me get back on my feet more easily. But I don't want to. All I want is to be with him and I don't ever want someone else taking his place. Ever since I lost him, I died on the inside, but I simply kept on existing. Nothing matters anymore. I want this to not hurt anymore. I am haunted by the life we would have lived together. A perfect life full of love, or even if it didn't turn out like that, a simple life with the right to a breakup. Millions of couples around me get to be together, spend time and then break up, and they just don't realise how lucky they are for that. We were denied even that. Everything would have been better if I had died too along with him. I have become an empty shell. I miss him so much my heart hurts. I hope it will eventually stop beating,
  5. My husband.. my life, love and soulmate died two weeks ago. He was 29... healthy, no drugs, no drinking, No smoking, happy. We were highschool sweethearts, together for almost 13 years, married less than 2 months. We had all these checklists and plans that we wanted to accomplish together first, "before we went into wedding debt". We graduated high school together, immediately moved in together in our first apartment, went to college, got jobs, saved for a home, bought a home, and finally got married in May. Had a glorious 3 week honeymoon, started trying to get pregnant... Then he died. Out of nowhere. My sister found him in our community pool, he had been working out there like he does all the time. He was a great swimmer. The coroner said the 1st week, she thought lightning hit the pool. I had somehow come to terms with that. Nature, Freak accident... He would have liked that he went out with a bang... (he had a spectacular morbid sense of humor) and then yesterday, They call and tell me it wasn't that. That they still don't know what caused his death. TWENTY-NINE. When they did the autopsy they said there was no sign of heart attack or blood clot... That he looked like every 29 year old should. She said shes not giving up, that she will figure it out, but in the meantime, what do I do? I've lost half my soul and I don't even know why or how. I have nothing to latch onto. My heart is aching for him. I had perfection. We didn't fight, we were best friends. We haven't ever gone two weeks without talking, or seeing each other. I'm waiting for him to come back. I'm in shock and I keep thinking this is an elaborate hoax. I have his ashes and I still expect him to walk in the door. I've been staying with my mom because I can't go home, that isn't home without him... But I keep thinking what if hes there? waiting on me? I haven't dream't of him, what if his spirit is there waiting for me but I'm too sad and scared to go home? I can't drive past the pool he died in everyday. We worked so hard to get our little home and I don't know if I can go back. He wouldn't want me to do anything I was uncomfortable with, So I know he'd understand but I still feel so guilty... I was a homemaker, he proudly did everything, We've spent our whole adult lives together, I have no idea how to be an adult without him. Every decision was run past him, Everything I cooked was because I thought he'd like it. All of my memories, everything for the past 13 years, my whole adult life was him. How, How am I going to get by without him? I'm in so much pain I can't stand it. I keep asking God to help me through this, but nothing gives me hope... I feel in my heart that hes okay. I felt it in that first week and still i feel it in my heart that he is fine, that he wants me to be okay, that hes always with me. I'm not worried about him. I feel like he's in heaven, My sister had a dream that he was and he consoled her, which I'm happy for because she wasn't doing well, she found him in the pool and jumped in to be with him.. She needed him to come to her and he did. Why hasn't he come to me? I can't find any signs hes with me.. Sorry this was so long. I'm floundering and I feel like a complete ghost. So empty, so alone, just existing. All our young plans... ripped away. No newly weds, no babies, no wedding anniversary.... How can I continue? How can I start over at 29? How do you live without your heart and soul? 13 years of plans for a future together and all I wanted and needed was him.
  6. Can not go on living

    Hello. I really cannot see myself living past the age of 21, I am suicidal, but things are complicated. The love of my life and my only friend passed away unexpectedly the morning of the 5th of june. The last thing we spoke to each other was a small disagreement, ending with us going to sleep, but it was alright, we fel asleep next to eachother, an hour and a half later I woke up and found him unconscious and pale on the floor. He was 24, and just like me in every way, it might as well have been me, he was so much more talanted and smart. I wish I would have died with him, yet this existence goes on, it is torture, my life was miserable before i met him, then i got to know what it was like to be happy before we were taken from eachother. I can't go on knowing he is gone, our life together is gone and its never coming back. I can not see myself living in 10 or 15 years, looking back at the love of my life, he who will forever be 24 years old. The only time I feel relief is knowing my life will end too, that I can end it any time I want. The reasons I havent done it yet is to have time to preserve what my boyfriend left behind. Maybe I am too much of a coward? I am intent on dying at home. It should have been me who died, not him. I have no friends, no ambition, no things I am good at, nothing that I can give to others by living. He was such a wonder child, everything he put his mind into he became good at, extremely talented musician, and as a child he was a national champion in all airgun tournaments. He was so well liked, cute and wonderful. Yet he dies at 24. I feel that there is no more fitting way to end it than to do it shortly after him, put our ashes by the river in his hometown. I miss him so damn much, there is NO reason for any of this, it is so cruel, I thought we could live a happy life, thought the hardships were over, it feels like there is someone who has been pushing me all my life, just being cruel enough to take everything away. I spent some time by his body, asking him why this happened, telling him I loved him, that I always will, I kissed and hugged his dead body, he laid in a bed, looking up in the roof, not seeing me, I told him I loved him so much, he did not respond, I cried and cried, my hands against his face. I can not go on living, I am so traumatized and broken, everyone said we were going to last forever. I believe we were meant for each other, we were so alike, I will die knowing that our time was short, I truly believe I am meant to go with him, our short lives are going to end together. Forever together at the place we first met 5 years ago. This was my first post where I explained more on what has happened; Everyone stands alone on the heart of the world, pierced by a ray of sunlight, and suddenly night falls.
  7. I lost my husband

    I'm 31.. Got married at 25 to the love of my life .. Lived abroad .. Delivery a cute baby in February 2015.. Came to my home town for vacation mid July 2015.. My husband got a severe headache , we went to the hospital .. They didn't know much or care much since he was young( 33).. July 29 he got brain damage and stayed in deep coma on machine for a year and half because his family kept machine .. October 2016 he passed away .. i was doing good .. I'm a psychotherapist so I know the stages of grief , I know how bad it is to fall in depression when I have a few months old baby .. I worked hard to find many jobs and keep myself busy.. Distraction worked well... Now im a successful career woman , my boy is 2 and he has a great family and we have an amazing support from my family .. But I'm starting to collapse .. I feel sad, lonely , empty .. I can't say this in front of my family or friends.. When I did their answer was " isn't it too late now to start feeling depressed now ?" Or " you are a therapist, you help others, so help yourself... I ran out of ideas how to help myself , I feel demotivated , empty , lonely and lost ... And I really don't want my son to feel any of this ...
  8. Hello, so so my fience (24) was diagnosed with stage 4 Bile Duct cancer. This is terminal, and fast and I am scared to death and grieving for both of us. I feel like I'm suppose to be strong, his family isn't here so it's just me but I just can't be.
  9. I found my dad passed away in his chair in our living room on Monday and the funeral is tomorrow. I'm 20 and he was 46. He wasn't in the best health, but not sick and we still don't know the cause. It still doesn't feel real and I keep having flashbacks to finding him, looking for a pulse, etc. and it's all a really upsetting process. I can't go in the living room, I blocked it off completely to avoid it and I can't sleep or eat. I almost threw up several times at the wake earlier. I don't know how to cope and I feel really horrible about all of it. I know it's probably not the best but I'm just blocking everything out to the point where I barely remember anything this week, and I'm really spacey and forgetful in general now. I'm not sure how to get through the funeral, having to acknowledge everything.
  10. I lost my mum about 8 months ago now. It was completely unexpected and I couldn't quite believe it had actually happened. I was only 20, approaching my 21st birthday and my younger sister only 15. My mum fell and hit her face and her heart just stopped. There was absolutely nothing wrong with her. She was fit, healthy and only 44. It was diagnosed as Sudden Adult Death Syndrome (SADS) and I wondered whether anyone had any experience of this happening to people they know? I'm starting to heal slowly but still have days where I feel so low I won't do anything. I'm dreading Christmas the most.
  11. I have shared this blog a few times before. It is raw and real. Although I will never pretend to understand anyone elses grief or claim to be able to help or guide people I have been told that this has aided many peoples grief and loneliness even in the smallest parts. I therefore want to reach out and continue this. Go to : https://believement.wordpress.com/ all my love xxxxxxxxx
  12. I think I've made myself too personally identifiable for comfort, I'm sorry.
  13. Murdered at 4yrs...

    My baby brother was murdered at the age of 4, he was suffocated to death with a plastic bag in 1999 and i never met him... I feel like sometimes i dont have a right to be upset because i never knew him but its exactly that... i never knew him and i never will because some savage monster took a little boys life... 2 little boys lives because he was jealous! And now in 2018 he'll have chance of Parole. Wtf does that mean?!! He KILLED my brother.. How dare he be able to try and live a normal life!
  14. I'm 20 and a college student. My brother was 23 but as cerebral palsy, his personality was an 8year old. How he died? The complications of ammonia and congested heart failure (weak heart). It was a very prolonged death. At first we didn't knew he was going to die. He was diagnosed in November for congested heart failure. Was hospitalized for a whole month and was sent home until I called 911 because he was experiencing tachycardia. By the way, my brother does not communicate at all and and can not do anything for himself so my whole life routine was always him, cleaning, bathing, feeding, etc. so what I'm trying to say is my mom and i had to go with our instincts on Jeffrey's(my brother) health. It was such a hard a long experience. It was horrible! My family consists of me, my mom and my dad but he is divorced from my mom. We would all take turns staying the night with him. At one point I went back to college after thanks giving and came back in December. We never had the idea that Jeffrey was dying because the doctors did not say he was until later in December, I had to stay the night with him. All of a sudden, he fell ill on me and more than 20 doctors came rushing in. The things I saw traumatized me. I would yell at the doctors to stop, get out, you're making him scared, stop taking blood from him, don't restrain him, get off of him. To see my brother who doesn't know what's going on and can not communicate, I felt his pain to the point of intubating him. That's when my mom and dad came and we all knew that Jeffrey is dying. People do recover after they intubation so we all still had hope. We did not celebrate Christmas or New Years. We just stayed at the intense care section watching him sleep. He was not in a comma but he was really sedative. He was intubated for two weeks, two weeks of non responding. I had ended up being the strong one in the family, my mom and dad were distraught and I never seen them like that before. Crying and crying, I was their only child. We are catholic so we prayed the rosary to him everyday. Our belief was what gave us little strength and our other family members who would also come and stay with us. In the end, my parents made the decision to take him off life support because doctors said he was not getting any better. I also agreed and we all said our goodbyes to him. He died January 9, 2015. I never got the chance to grieve. I had to stay strong throughout the whole process for my parents. We had one funeral in NYC and then the next day we flew to my parents home country for a second funeral and the burial. Then fly back to NYC and the next day go back to school which is upstate, 3 hrs away from home. Till this day, I have no time for grieving but i feel very sad and stressed due to classes and work. I just want to go home but I'm scared to come back home and not find him there.
  15. Hi, I'm Gia. I had a 19 year old brother, Gio. I am 13, a teenager. My brother and I were very close and shared everything. We had a rough past, and went through it together. We needed each other.. On August 26th, my brother died in his sleep. It's a generic thing that only will happen to him. His body shut down by his own tissue blockage and died in his sleep. My mother found him dead. I was at school when it happened. My mother came home at 10am to find him dead. My school gets out at 3pm, and I wasn't aware of the situation at all. It was the second day of school, and an ordinary day to me. I was walking with my BEST friend, and we were walking to my stepdad's car. I had opened my snapchat, to find a picture of my friend with a sad face and crying. I thought nothing of it, and thought she just had a bad day. I also recieved a text from my brothers girlfriend, saying "I love you so much, so so much." Again, I thought nothing of it, as she was very sweet and caring. My friend and I got in my stepdads car, and I could immediately tell he was acting funny. My stepdad is a loud person, kinda like a morning person. But, that day, he was very quiet as we drove home. I asked if my friend could come over, and he said no. I asked why, and he said "Honey, she can't." I was still confused, but didn't say anything else. My stepdad took a different way to my friend's house, as the path to her house usually passed mine, but I didn't think anything of it. We then dropped my friend off, and pulled up to our house. There were police cars everywhere, about 3 or 4 approximately. I was confused, very confused. I ran out of the car, and into the house. Tons, and TONS of my family members were there, and crying with tissues. They were all staring at me, and not saying a word. I felt so confused. "What happened?" I kept asking, and no one replied. My mom came through the hallway, and didn't say anything. My body was shaking, and I felt very nervous. "Mom, what happened?" I kept asking, and she kept saying, "Come into my room." On our way to my moms room, is my brothers room. There were police officers around it, and a doctor. I heard a machine, and instantly my mind went crazy. I knew from that moment, he was gone. We arrived into my moms room, and her close friends were inside. My mom said words I wish never had to exist or be said. I cried in her arms for an hour. From there, my world came crashing down. It was the worst time. School had just started, there was an important wedding coming up, and expensive concerts. Everything was a blur, and I felt crazy. I saw my brother's body, and I can never forget the picture. Sometimes in class it just pops up in my mind. It haunts me. I didn't think I would have a life after this happened. I thought I would be homeschooled, and have no friends. I gave up, really. I didn't think I can live without him. Here I am, almost 6 months (in 2 days it will be the 6 month anniversary) from his passing. I am a strong Christian, and that really helped me with this time. I had 'signs' as my family calls them, from my brother. If you've had any, I'd love to hear them from you, and share some of mine with you. I promise it will get better, it really will. And I reccomend going to a grief support group, or a grief share. At first I thought it was stupid, but it helped to know others are in my position. I wish you the best, whoever is reading this. Thank you for taking the time to listen to my story.
  16. My name is Collin, I'm a 22 year old college student, and I am grieving. On September 8th, 2014, my 54 year old father suddenly died in the early afternoon of a massive heart attack. I'm still numb. I've learned so much from it all, and yet, every day more feels so unbearable. 5 weeks later, I lost my 73 year old grandmother after a year long fight with cancer and injury. I miss them both, but it makes me feel almost guilty to say that I barely can feel the death of my grandma, even though we were so incredibly close, because I just lost my dad. I think I'm doing very well overall, and my support system says I'm doing amazingly "under the circumstances" Sometimes I'm afraid that I purposefully block him, and his death out of my mind as much as possible so that it hurts less. Then, I get nervous that I'm avoiding it all. But then again, I'm still in college, and I live a couple hours from home, and if I indulge my agony too much I would fall off the earth. I can't fall off the earth. I don't talk to my friends a lot about it, because they have nothing to say that isn't awkward or annoying, and it's sad because I know they don't mean it that way at all, and I know that they are hurting too for me...it just feels very lonely. I keep it going for him though. I love you so much Daddy
  17. my mom has been gone for 7 months and 16 days she died very suddenly on her bathroom floor I miss her so much there are days that I don't even feel like living anymore she was my best friend. Im not ok without her. When does it get easier? she died 5 days before her 54th birthday.
  18. Hello Everyone, I have never posted on a forum before but I feel that a strangers' point of view might help me most. It has been exactly one month today since my Mom died. She was only 47 years old and I myself am only 21. My mom passed away from a lung disease called Acute respiratory distress syndrome. She passed away about 4 weeks after her diagnosis. It was all very sudden and extremely traumatic. I have never lived without my mom and although it has already been a month, I still have to remind myself daily of her passing. It truly has not hit me yet and I am curious if this has happened to anyone else? I was inconsolable the day she passed but I feel like I should be more sad on a daily basis (if that makes sense). I think that the fact that my brain has not grasped that she is gone is affecting my ability to grieve. The only emotion i have been feeling is guilt. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for so many different reasons. I feel guilt that this happened to her when she was so young and extremely healthy. I feel guilt that she spent her life serving her community as a police officer and that she did not deserve this. I feel guilt that i did not treat her as well as I should have. I feel guilt because I would absolutely love to believe that there is some sort of after-life and that she is reunited with her loved ones but i do not totally feel that way. I feel guilt that I never got to tell her how much I love her and how much she means to me. The list of reasons that I feel guilt is endless and it does not feel normal to feel so guilty. Why do I feel guilt more than sadness? Why has this not hit me yet?
  19. My Dad died this past Saturday, April 26th. He was 49 years old (I'm 30). He was working in the backyard of a friend's house.... Stories are conflicting so much, I question what has happened. #1- I was told he was working in the yard, started to feel dizzy, went to lay down, and never woke up. #2- He said he was feeling dizzy and fell to the ground. Either way, paramedics were unable to bring him back. I am in shock. He was my best friend. He taught me everything about baseball, although he was a Dodgers fan and I am a Cardinals fan. He said I know more about baseball than most men lol. I just, I can't get over this. I can't function. He wasn't married so it's up to me and my younger sister to take care of things. I'm planning his memorial service. I have boxed his belongings, and moved them into my house. He was cremated. But I STILL THINK he will come back. I keep waiting. Maybe my brain is defending my heart from absolute total shock; I don't know. But this is too hard. I can't sleep, I can't eat... When I do eat, I get sick. A piece of me left when he died. I don't know how to cope. I don't even know that I'm ready. His service is on Tuesday and I plan to speak... I'm okay talking to people, as long as I give myself breaks to cry, then I can move on to the next person offering their condolences. I don't mean for that to sound harsh, but it honestly becomes a routine and you quit crying during those conversations because they're all the same. When does the pain go away?
  20. what happened to my optimism

    Hey you guys I am only eighteen so I know that is fairly young. However, I too have felt the unbearable feeling of loss. Last year in May I lost my (yes I'm saying it) boyfriend to a stroke. He was only 17.... I know I have a lot more life to experience and live but I just need to feel understood. Literally it feels as if since the moment I found out that the boy I had been in a relationship passed I feel like a huge chunk of the happiness has been ripped out of my life. During the beginningy older brother was a huge help. He too shares my sexuality so we bond pretty well. But lately, it just seems as if he has too much going on for me to reach out to him like I used to. The overall point I'm trying to get at is that lately I have been going through a lot of road blocks in life especially becoming a new adult and it seems that I never felt this empty until after he passed. Now that his one year is literally right around the corner it has me looking at my life and realizing just how painful it has been. All I need is to talk with any one of you who can relate and understand.
  21. Hi, my name is Dan I'm 24 and my mum has died. Although the details of exactly what happened are vague because I don't want to cause my older sister (who lived with her and found her) any more grief but ultimately my mum suffered a major head injury and was a tragic accident. She was taken to A&E near to where they lived and was transferred immediately to St Georges in Tooting where she was taken to their neuro ICU, this was the early hours of Saturday morning on 25 January 2014, she died 10 days later. At the time of the accident, my sister called me to let me know the situation and because of my profession (medical insurance) when she said she was being transferred to St Georges neuro ICU I knew then just how serious this was. I was drinking heavily with friends at the time but left straight away and jumped in the taxi and just managed to get to Frimley Park A&E before she got transferred - she saw me, and said "Dan" I said "mum" and that was it, the last time I spoke to her - she never regained consciousness although there were moments during the 10 days that followed where she did open her eyes again briefly and moved her right side now and again. The reason I mention this specific part is because in a way I'm happy she saw me and she knew I was there for her but on the other hand I'm heartbroken I didn't get the chance to say goodbye or even tell her how much I loved although I know she knew I did. When I was 13 my nan, my mums mum, died. The three of us were very close but for my mum she was everything, we used to spend every weekend with her until she died because her and my dad had a very bad relationship and I guess it was her way of escape, every Friday after I finished school we would head up there. When my nan passed my mum was never the same, she had lost her most important person and turned to drink. She was an alcoholic in the years that followed which when I was young I hated her for. She was diagnosed with liver cirrhosis in 2010 but this didn’t stop the drinking but now I was older I loved her so much I just wanted to make her happy and I tried because I knew time with my mum may well be precious. We'd go out for meals when I could afford to and I would always do as she asked of me, gardening, hovering ect, we spend a lot of time together and I'm proud to have her as a friend. I was a good son I hope and in light of her premature death that is my greatest achievement and my only respite. However to counter this I feel incredibly guilty because I only moved out 6 months ago and feel that I should of never left and I would of been there for her. My mum was simply the best person I will ever know and she loved me unconditionally every single day despite some very bad behaviour on my part and I cannot believe I have to go on the rest of my life without her. She was the most caring, loving person with such class and dignity despite all that life threw at her. I'm so lucky to of had her as my mum - all beit for too shorter time. I've lost all my desire to do anything, to work, to study which I did for myself of course but also to make my mum proud and now she's gone I just don't see the point. I always promised her I would take care of her which to me meant earning enough money to be able to do that - more meals out, maybe a few holidays, to create some happy days for her. I'm so sad that I won't be able to that. Up until my nan died my mum was the envy of many people; successful business women, beautiful, smart, confident, funny and the fact she went out the way she did causes unbearable pain because she deserved better. I find myself feeling very angry towards my immediate family, my sister, my dad and my auntie all of whom a feel should of made more effort and have not spoken to them since she passed. I'm not sure what I'm looking for from this but even to have written this post has made me feel a little better. It would be nice to here from people that may be in similar situations I guess. I'm too young to give up on life and pray it does not break me the same way it did my mum when her mum died. Ann 'Noreen' Johnson 1957-2014 RIP mum
  22. Hi, I'm Jody. I found this site and wanted to share what I feel. I have a hard time talking to people around me, I feel like everyone has answers and analyses me but that's not what I want. On dec 1st I got a phone call that my dad had a double massive heart attack. I am 22 and he was 44. No pervious medical history except hypertension. So he was in a medically induced coma for two days till his kidneys started to fail. I stayed at his side the entire time and held his hand with my head on his chest. I wanted to pull everything off of him and just lay on his chest. That was me, that was my bestfriend, laying there. Unresponsive, becoming bloated, my daddy. Leading up to this we talked daily and visted weekly. He was very unhappy, alcoholic and depressed. He had a good job but he came home everyday to a woman who didn't love him who also stayed drunk. But he was my dad. I listened to the bitching so he would tell me how he felt. A few months before this his best friend committed suicide. That hurt dad so much. Repeatedly my father told me how he wanted me to plan his funeral, that he didn't want life support, what to do with the insurance money. I knew what to do, which is very morbid, but I did. Since my dad wasn't married I being his oldest became next of kin. I decided to take him off life support and plan the funeral. I took care of everything and I am proud of myself. ...But now I feel empty. I feel angry and I just want to be alone. I moved in with my mom and have my boyfriend living here but I have to make myself be a friend to them. I go to my dads and cry blaring Hank JR and bob segar. I am so mad. I don't have a filter. I don't know how to go back to normal. Thank you for reading this, sorry for the grammar. I just need to talk about it but I think my family is tired of hearing it.
  23. I lost both of my parents and a sister. We had been a family of six, and a wonderful family. Seems like everybody's dying, and young, though one parent was as old as 67. It was my mom at 52, then a sister at 30, then my dad recently at 67. It's me and two sisters remaining. It's sad. My twin sister is handicapped and living in a group home. Another sister has had her own place for many years. I was living with my parents and my sister who died. It started in late 2004 with my mom. It happened very suddenly. She seemed fine up until that moment, except I heard later that she had a headache. She collapsed and died. Paramedics worked on her for a while, then took her to the hospital. We went to the hospital on our own and then were told that she had passed. We could not understand the sudden death, and I hate that she was taken from us like that, although the bright side is that without her being sick, we did not worry about her dying, before it happened, and she did not suffer. The coroner's report came back after about two months or so, said "fluoxetine toxicity", regarding a medication she was on, and she had congestive heart failure from a medication. We attended bereavement counseling because of her death. The months after her death were hard. For some time the family was missing just my mom. My household had my dad and my sister who would die. Then my sister died only a little over one year after my mom did. I have a twin and two older sisters; this is the middle sister. She had major depression and a long history of overdoses, and I worried about her suicide attempts, that she was always trying to harm herself. She took my mom's death very badly and ended up doing an overdose that was successful. She had refused to attend bereavement counseling about our mom with the rest of us, and she was the most in need of it. I guess it would have been hard for her. This sister and I were like friends sometimes. Their deaths were around major holidays, like designed by forces to ruin our holidays. Mom's was a little after Thanksgiving, my sister's was a few days before Christmas. For years I would have dreams with my mom and/or sister (I dreamed about being at the original family residence, also). Sometimes a dream would be about one of them, especially my mom, having returned after death. I wish that could happen. My family was given seven years plus a few months, before the next death, my dad. It was me and my dad living together, and we became close, and we were friends. He was very nice to me. He was patient with me. He was very easygoing. He took care of me in ways. He drove me places. I liked going to the grocery store with him, and he would often take us to eat at a restaurant before that. We went to church together. He owned a small business, doing bookkeeping and business consulting for several other small businesses. I worked for him, doing typing, and my dad kept planning for me and another sister to have major jobs in the business. He was also a tax preparer and made a lot during tax season. He had been struggling financially, and tax season was getting started when he died, and he had been planning to have several particular big clients for his business, also, and I think that was when I would do much more and get paid accordingly. I had my dad until several weeks ago. He became sick on Sunday or Monday, January 20 or 21. He said early that morning (around the very early time he normally got up) he had felt like he was dying and had thought about going to the hospital. For two weeks he had symptoms of the flu. He would get better and then be bad again. He spoke of feeling bad/awful and being weak. He said his chest and stomach hurt. He sneezed, coughed, and had a sore/hoarse throat, and had chills, all of which made it seem like really the flu. He slept all the time and didn't have an appetite. I worried about his feeling of dying, chest pain, weakness, and sleeping all the time. I hoped this wasn't something fatal. He carried on for two weeks. People tried to get him to go to the doctor. My sister (a living one) was going to force him to go to the doctor the next day, her taking him. Sadly he died the day before he would go. He would've gotten proper care. I actually witnessed his death. He seemed to be sleeping as he did a lot, and I was nearby, luckily. He sounded like he was doing a little minor coughing, then he started doing like snorting through the throat or mouth, and that alerted me. When he died, he did several of those, about 10 seconds apart, each one making his body jump. He appeared not to breathe, otherwise and after the snorts stopped. I tried to rouse him and couldn't. His eyes were open and not moving. He was unresponsive. I called 911. He was worked on for some time and then was pronounced dead. At one point as the paramedics worked on him they said "he's in", and I thought he was surviving. We had him cremated because there was no money for burial. I didn't want to deal with his body in a casket anyway. We had a memorial service rather than a funeral with a body. There were several photos and a continuous slideshow of family pictures with him in them. I liked that. Until my dad became sick, he had tended to stay healthy, even as he had high blood pressure and a lot of stress. He seemed like he would live long, much longer than 67 years. I was wrong. I'm grateful he was a little into old age. For years I had wanted him to get really old before he died, and would wait for each birthday. He turned 65 and dealt with getting Medicare. He had over two years after that. Many people had thought he was younger than he really was. He looked young to other people. Probably his good health. But to me he looked about his real age. I have felt that if someone's parent(s) would be like 80+ when dying, that's good, because the parent(s) had a properly long life. I have wished those who died had had more years. My mom would be 60. I would wish to be back at the times when they were alive, but sadly that's impossible. I had my dad until very recently as of this writing. The period I had him is so close but impossible to reach. It's that way shortly after every death. It would feel like I never had my mom or my sister, since it has been so long since I lost them. I feel a little like that about my dad already, since he has been dead. For days after the recent death of my dad, I did the normal crying, I would get emotional at times. I thought of my dad as my best friend and the person holding up the family as a parent. I may have been closer to him than to anyone else, ever. I have adjusted surprising well/quickly. I'm now living with my sister, the one who was living alone, and I have been busy with gradually moving my things and clearing out the old house. My sister will help me with my affairs and support me the best she can until I get income. Very grateful for her.