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About Me

Found 10 results

  1. Today marks a month since I found the love of my life nearly paralyzed, a month from that night when he passed away. It hasn’t gotten easier. His services haven’t happened yet. I can’t think of a future without him. I can’t envision myself going on like this. I know, I’m only 29, but there’s no doubt in my mind that I lost my soulmate, “the one,” as cliché as it is. What he gave me can’t be described in words because it was just so much. Every day I go to sleep bawling my eyes out and wake up cursing myself for still being alive. I wouldn’t do anything to hurt myself but if there’s even a minor chance that we could be together in some sort of afterlife, I’d prefer that to this. I’m not even really living anymore — I can’t — I’m surviving. The depression that has overcome me has completely debilitated me. I’m not functional, I first welcomed guests yesterday. I moved in with my parents after he passed which has been helpful but it’s not where I thought I’d be or what I wanted. A month ago, we were planning a trip, getting ready to go somewhere. We were talking about our future, about children, about our long term plan. All of that has changed, in the course of a month. The only thing keeping me going is the thought that we’ll one day be reunited. I’ve sought spirituality, guidance, a belief in something beyond what there is now. I know he’s out there; I know I’ll see him again. I’ve felt him, dreamed of him, talked to him. He’s still not here. And no matter how “good” I get at communicating with him myself, nothing will bring him physically back, and that’s going to always be hard for me to accept.
  2. Lost my world last Friday

    Hello Grieving Community, Last Friday, I found my partner of several years not breathing in the guest room/office. I called 911 and I guess he passed after the EMTs worked on him. We don't know what happened. He was just shy of 30. I emptied our our house and put everything in storage. I moved away from where I was and came back across the country to be with my family. I'm at a loss. His funeral has been pushed back over a month, and every day is a little bit harder than the previous day. I don't know what I should do, what I want to do, how to go on, or why this happened to him. We still don't have any autopsy results and I don't understand how someone who seemed so healthy could go so suddenly and unexpectedly. I feel like I've lost a part of myself, and I'm only 29. He was my soulmate and I lost so much by losing him. Anything you can say can only help me, as right now, waking up every day is just me reliving the trauma of that night, remembering that he's gone, and coming to terms with the sudden changes in my life.
  3. My Angel Brother

    It was the 4th March 2016 I was at my friends surprise 21st birthday party, enjoying our night - my mum called, she was baby sitting my nephew and nieces as my brother Charlie and his wife were out for dinner. She wanted me to go home, and look after the kids as my brother Oliver had been rushed to hospital and she couldn't get hold of my other brother. I told her I couldn't look after the kids, as I had a lot to drink and didn't feel responsible, not realising how serious things were with Olly. I told my mum to contact me when she knew what was going on, I then got a phone call about 1:30am on 5th March - My brother Charlie was on the other end of the phone, telling me to come home, I asked was olly ok? he responded with you need to come home, I said what's happened tell me now! he then said those dreaded words 'his dead' at that moment everything around me was dark, I collapsed to the floor screaming, unsure of how, what and why this happened? my partner came and got me and we went to my mums, walking in I still didn't believe what I had been told, the room was cold, I just looked at my brother and mum and knew at that point Olly was gone. It is now over a year on, and I still cant go a day without thinking about him, without crying, without asking why? he had a heart attack at work, he had no previous major heart problems - why did this happen? how did this happen to a 32 year old man? I don't know if I will ever be able to understand or cope with this. I just don't know how.
  4. I don't even know where to start, so I suppose I'll start at the beginning. 16 years ago I was rollerblading on a bike trail... tells ya how long ago this really was right?? As I'm rolling down the trail this beautiful black cat literally crosses my path. She walks out of the woods, and sits down and just stares at me with these big yellow saucer eyes. She meows at me, and it's love at first site. I picked her up and rolled back to my car with her. Let me tell you, roller blading with no arm balance is no easy feat, but I'd do it all over again a million times if it'd bring her back. I wasn't allowed to have pets, and I told myself that I'd take her to the animal shelter in a few days. She ended up with a name right away (Mitsu) and a box of toys that would go along with her, whenever I would get around to taking her there... Well, needless to say 16 years later I'm writing on a forum grieving over her. She was an amazing cat from the start, and she always looked excited with those wide eyes of hers. In all these years together she has watched me make a million mistakes, and rejoice over several great accomplishments. She was by my side without fail, and when ever the hardships of my life would occur, she didn't mind that I got those salty tears caught up in her fur. She just stared at me lovingly and let me pet her and hug her. I used to joke around that moving was a hobby of mine, and although she didn't enjoy it she came right along for every move I've ever made. When the world would spin out of control and everything would change at a rapid pace, she was the one constant. She was always there, loving me, and man I loved her right back. 6 years ago I brought her a furry friend and I didn't know how she'd take it. She'd had a couple other pets join her along the way when I'd had a roommate or boyfriend who'd bring theirs along, and she was never very thrilled about it. She wanted me all to herself. When I brought Zombie home, he was smaller than her which cracked me up. She was only 6 pounds her whole life, and Zombie is all of 4 pounds and shorter than her. He is a Yorkie Chihuahua pound puppy and I'll admit, it took her a short amount of time to love him. But then I'd catch them snuggled up together. When I met my boyfriend she fell in love for the first time. She loved him in the same way that she loved me, and he treated her as if she had always been in his life. We were a happy little family. I'd had her checked out at the vet less than 2 years ago, and he was amazed at how healthy she was for her age. I guess this is why I'm so devastated now. I realize she was getting old but there was just no warning. She was fine last Wednesday before I left for work. She followed me around like normal and even played with her favorite mouse toy. When I got home a few hours later I couldn't find her and I knew something was instantly wrong. I called for her, and she made the most horrific meowing sound that I'd ever heard. I scooped her up and we got her to the ER vet as quickly as we could. They took her from us as soon as we rushed in, and hooked her up to an IV. Thursday morning I called to check on her, and they weren't having much success finding out exactly what was wrong with her. When we went to see her Thursday night I knew we were going to lose her. It took my breath away seeing her nearly lifeless body. The only way I could tell she was alive was by the rise and fall of her breath in her body. She was unresponsive and her eyes seemed to stare at nothing. The vet tech said she had been like that all day. When I talked to the vet earlier in the day, he said she was still feeling dumpy, but I had no idea she was like this. After about an hour us talking to her and petting her, she did headbutt my boyfriend's hand for some more affection. She always did this, and it was very uplifting. I got up to sit down behind her, and she actually got up and turned around to face me. I just pulled her close to me and hugged her and kissed her so many times, as my tears dripped onto her and silently slid onto the blanket she was laying on. I told her how much I loved her and told her that if she was suffering to let go, that we would understand and in time be ok. The vet came in to check on her, and I told him that I didn't want her to suffer and asked if we should euthanize her. He assured me that he was still working on treating her, and he still had some hope that he could get her better if she would hold on for a little longer. It was after midnight, and I told him I'd give him until the next morning. A few hours later we got the call that she had stopped breathing. We went to see her one final time to say goodbye. I know that we were lucky because we got that chance, but it was so sudden, and she died the day before my birthday. Tomorrow it will be a week, and I have not been able to eat, and there is a ragged feeling in my body. I am just destroyed over this and I don't know what to do. I just watched 16 years fade away. I don't feel like talking to anyone I know because they just don't get it. I have been told that this is life, and everyone dies...etc. My boss told me to smile, and that I just needed to get another cat. Smiling is the last thing I feel like doing. Zombie is beside himself, and he keeps going to look for her. I put the blanket that she slept on next to me and he finally stopped and laid down on it. I don't know where to go from here. Any advice? Sorry for the long post, I'd heard that writing about them and their loss would help. So thank you for reading and for any help you can offer.
  5. August 27, 2016, my mother passed away unexpectedly at 58 years old. I'm only 23 years old. I've been having suicidal thoughts for the past hour because the pain I feel from missing her is too immense to bear. I want to throw up, because I miss her so badly.
  6. I lost my mum about 8 months ago now. It was completely unexpected and I couldn't quite believe it had actually happened. I was only 20, approaching my 21st birthday and my younger sister only 15. My mum fell and hit her face and her heart just stopped. There was absolutely nothing wrong with her. She was fit, healthy and only 44. It was diagnosed as Sudden Adult Death Syndrome (SADS) and I wondered whether anyone had any experience of this happening to people they know? I'm starting to heal slowly but still have days where I feel so low I won't do anything. I'm dreading Christmas the most.
  7. I think I've made myself too personally identifiable for comfort, I'm sorry.
  8. hello- i lost my mother very suddenly just about 7 months ago. i am having a hard time coming to terms with the fragility and uncertainty that i now know is life. i guess i just wondered if other people in similar situations to mine are riddled with fear and obsessive thoughts of death. or if anyone has had any luck moving beyond these at times all consuming fears. thank you-
  9. My Dad died this past Saturday, April 26th. He was 49 years old (I'm 30). He was working in the backyard of a friend's house.... Stories are conflicting so much, I question what has happened. #1- I was told he was working in the yard, started to feel dizzy, went to lay down, and never woke up. #2- He said he was feeling dizzy and fell to the ground. Either way, paramedics were unable to bring him back. I am in shock. He was my best friend. He taught me everything about baseball, although he was a Dodgers fan and I am a Cardinals fan. He said I know more about baseball than most men lol. I just, I can't get over this. I can't function. He wasn't married so it's up to me and my younger sister to take care of things. I'm planning his memorial service. I have boxed his belongings, and moved them into my house. He was cremated. But I STILL THINK he will come back. I keep waiting. Maybe my brain is defending my heart from absolute total shock; I don't know. But this is too hard. I can't sleep, I can't eat... When I do eat, I get sick. A piece of me left when he died. I don't know how to cope. I don't even know that I'm ready. His service is on Tuesday and I plan to speak... I'm okay talking to people, as long as I give myself breaks to cry, then I can move on to the next person offering their condolences. I don't mean for that to sound harsh, but it honestly becomes a routine and you quit crying during those conversations because they're all the same. When does the pain go away?
  10. So let me start with my story. I am 21 years old and today I lost my mother. She was my world. Not only was she an amazing mother, she was my best friend. Rarely a day went by that we didn't talk on the phone even if it was about nonsense. She went to the hospital on monday night due to a heart attack. The heart attack triggered an aneurysm she had to rupture and the brain damage led to her death. I cried all day. I am still sad don't get me wrong but I was wondering if it's normal for me to be so calm right now. I think about what she would day to me and it brings a smile to my face. Maybe it's because I'm familiar with loss because we lost my older brother to drugs 2 years ago. Maybe it's because my dad is the strongest man I know and has be checking on me and thinking of me since the second my mother was admitted to the hospital. I don't know why I feel so calm when 7 hours ago I was sobbing uncontrollably. I guess my question is, can I be at peace with this death so quickly? I understand that her death could not have been foreseen in any way and that she loved me more than anything on this planet. I also know that more than anything she wouldn't want me to be sad. I'm am 100% certain that I'll miss her terribly when I walk across the stage in two weeks at my college graduation and when I get married or have my first child. I miss her even in this second. But right now I'm trying my hardest not to be sad and think about the trillions of happy memories we made in 21 years. Does it make me a bad person?