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Found 8 results

  1. Trauma from Siblings Heroin Death

    Feeling so sad and alone in my grief. The trauma keeps re-playing in my mind. Feeling and worrying for a week that something was wrong when I couldn’t reach my brother and intuitively knowing he was most likely dead somewhere. I felt it in my heart. We we’re close and I don’t know how to explain that feeling of just knowing. My mind, my soul, the pit in my stomach all telling me. Asking others for help and being told “he’s probably just wanting some alone time” and “not to worry”. No one listening to me and not agreeing with me to call the police, or offering to go with me to look for him. Feeling that if I did and being told if I did, that everyone was going to be upset with me (because if he was alive and just on a binder “You’ll get him in trouble with the police and he doesn’t need that”). Me explaining and pleading that it could possibly help him get clean if the law was involved. Deciding I could no longer try and act like nothing was wrong and deciding I had to know. The drive to his apartment that night and how scared I was and then finding out what I had feared the most was true...My worst nightmare real and right in front of me. He was dead, I found him and I couldn’t help him, save him. I’m broken that he died by himself and that I had no idea he was doing heroin. HEROIN! WTF! I knew he had struggled with pills, but this?! I live out of state and so that is the only reason I feel like I missed the signs. I am trying to forgive myself for failing him and not pushing harder to do more. We got him into rehab several times over the last 10yrs, but he would leave on day 7 EVERY time. The scene was terrifying. Needles, decomposition, the screams let out by my other family member who was with me. First responders, forensics, non- chalant police officers, nosy people in the neighborhood standing outside watching everything unfold and calling others in town to tell them before even a few hours had gone by. My brother being carried out in a body bag. Being retold grim details by one officer (which I could clearly see, because I’m the one who went in to the apartment and called 911 in the first place!). So much anxiety, anger and pain in the days following from people making rumors about my brother and his life and death. I mean, how could they know anything unless they were there and saw it?! They hadn’t. Therefore, it was so disrespectful and parasitic and disgusting of them to say anything. We’re a family who is hurting and this was/ is really happening to us. Anything less than condolences is out of line. And if they knew he was in trouble, they should have done more, instead of standing around waiting for it to happen so that they could gossip about it. It sends chills up my spine knowing there are people who were in my brothers life feeding off of him and his disease. Next, funeral arrangements. Choosing an urn, music, writing an obituary. Family members being in shock and upset and taking it out on me because (and I understand this) the reality of the situation was too much to bare at that time. But someone had to make decisions and so I did. Waiting for his body to be creamated knowing I would never see his beautiful face again. He had big brown eyes and long, black eyelashes. A magnetic personality. He seemed to being doing so well the last month and when I had spoken to him on his birthday over the phone (a few days before I couldn’t reach him), he was so happy. I couldn’t wait to see him for the holiday and he called me by my nickname, teased me as usual and said I love you. I did my best to do right by my brother and make things in a way, so that it wouldn’t be so horrific for my other family members. Cleaning the scene and apartment, so that everyone wouldn’t experience what I had if they went there to help me. The insurance adjuster sent a team that didn’t do anything except remove the part of the floor where he lay in his final moments. I will never get over this. I didn’t want the way it happened, the things I had to get rid of, to overshadow the beautiful memories we had of my brother before his disease destroyed him. He didn’t want to die. Everything leading up to it in the weeks prior showed the hopes and dreams he was trying to make happen for himself. The disease was too strong. There is nothing like an unattended death and although I handled it at the time, I’m now experiencing ptsd. I feel so detached from others. It’s a victory if I can get out of bed and dressed. I don’t want to live my life without my brother and I’m not sure how I will go on this time. I’m scared. I am seeing my therapist and fighting to move forward. It’s so hard. This is the second brother I have lost. The first was to cancer 11yrs ago when he was in his early 30’s. This brother that just passed literally turned 41 a few days before his death. I used to be strong and now I feel I’m falling apart.
  2. Feeling so sad and alone in my grief. The trauma keeps re-playing in my mind. Feeling and worrying for a week that something was wrong when I couldn’t reach my brother and intuitively knowing he was most likely dead somewhere. I felt it in my heart. We we’re close and I don’t know how to explain that feeling of just knowing. My mind, my soul, the pit in my stomach all telling me. Asking others for help and being told “he’s probably just wanting some alone time” and “not to worry”. No one listening to me and not agreeing with me to call the police, or offering to go with me to look for him. Feeling that if I did and being told if I did, that everyone was going to be upset with me (because if he was alive and just on a binder “You’ll get him in trouble with the police and he doesn’t need that”). Me explaining and pleading that it could possibly help him get clean if the law was involved. Deciding I could no longer try and act like nothing was wrong and deciding I had to know. The drive to his apartment that night and how scared I was and then finding out what I had feared the most was true...My worst nightmare real and right in front of me. He was dead, I found him and I couldn’t help him, save him. I’m broken that he died by himself and that I had no idea he was doing heroin. HEROIN! WTF! I knew he had struggled with pills, but this?! I live out of state and so that is the only reason I feel like I missed the signs. I am trying to forgive myself for failing him and not pushing harder to do more. We got him into rehab several times over the last 10yrs, but he would leave on day 7 EVERY time. The scene was terrifying. Needles, decomposition, the screams let out by my other family member who was with me. First responders, forensics, non- chalant police officers, nosy people in the neighborhood standing outside watching everything unfold and calling others in town to tell them before even a few hours had gone by. My brother being carried out in a body bag. Being retold grim details by one officer (which I could clearly see, because I’m the one who went in to the apartment and called 911 in the first place!). So much anxiety, anger and pain in the days following from people making rumors about my brother and his life and death. I mean, how could they know anything unless they were there and saw it?! They hadn’t. Therefore, it was so disrespectful and parasitic and disgusting of them to say anything. We’re a family who is hurting and this was/ is really happening to us. Anything less than condolences is out of line. And if they knew he was in trouble, they should have done more, instead of standing around waiting for it to happen so that they could gossip about it. It sends chills up my spine knowing there are people who were in my brothers life feeding off of him and his disease. Next, funeral arrangements. Choosing an urn, music, writing an obituary. Family members being in shock and upset and taking it out on me because (and I understand this) the reality of the situation was too much to bare at that time. But someone had to make decisions and so I did. Waiting for his body to be creamated knowing I would never see his beautiful face again. He had big brown eyes and long, black eyelashes. A magnetic personality. He seemed to being doing so well the last month and when I had spoken to him on his birthday over the phone (a few days before I couldn’t reach him), he was so happy. I couldn’t wait to see him for the holiday and he called me by my nickname, teased me as usual and said I love you. I did my best to do right by my brother and make things in a way, so that it wouldn’t be so horrific for my other family members. Cleaning the scene and apartment, so that everyone wouldn’t experience what I had if they went there to help me. The insurance adjuster sent a team that didn’t do anything except remove the part of the floor where he lay in his final moments. I will never get over this. I didn’t want the way it happened, the things I had to get rid of, to overshadow the beautiful memories we had of my brother before his disease destroyed him. He didn’t want to die. Everything leading up to it in the weeks prior showed the hopes and dreams he was trying to make happen for himself. The disease was too strong. There is nothing like an unattended death and although I handled it at the time, I’m now experiencing ptsd. I feel so detached from others. It’s a victory if I can get out of bed and dressed. I don’t want to live my life without my brother and I’m not sure how I will go on this time. I’m scared. I am seeing my therapist and fighting to move forward. It’s so hard. This is the second brother I have lost. The first was to cancer 11yrs ago when he was in his early 30’s. This brother that just passed literally turned 41 a few days before his death. I used to be strong and now I feel I’m falling apart.
  3. Struggling with the loss of my Cat

    My baby Marley was taken from me on Saturday night 27/01/18. He was a big ginger tom cat and he was the sweetest lovliest boy ever who always had so much love for everyone. I am heartbroken. Part of what I am really struggling to come to terms with is the circumstances of his passing. He was a normal happy healthy chap, about 10-11 years old but spent most days out playing and exploring. I heard him come through the cat flap at about 8pm just as I was hopping into the shower. When i got out about 10 minutes later, I went into my bedroom and found poor Marley lying on the floor on his side, panting/ unable to get his breath and his tongue sticking out. He seemed quite calm however i got on the phone to the emergency vet and asked them what i could do. They said to bring him in straight away. I quickly got dressed, keeping an eye on him but he got worse. I quickly googled what to (i thought he was choking) and i followed instructions on the Heimlich manouver, and tried to look down his throat to see if anything was there. Both of these failed and i could see poor Marley getting more distressed. He ran downstairs and hid under the coffee table, which I felt was a bad sign. I went to get the cat carrier, however he was so adamant to lie on his side that he wouldnt fit comfortable in there. I decided to just scoop him up in a blanket, as by now i could see a bit of blood coming from his mouth and he was crying in pain I cuddled him in the blanket and rushed out to the car, however i made it as far as the driveway and I felt him take one last breath and then he went all limp in my arms. I was heartbroken. I continued my journey to the vets however as I naively thought they could still help him but of course it was too late. I am racked with guilt and doubt. Could I have saved him? Had I not jumped in the shower when I heard him come in, could I have had more of a chance to save him? Had I not wasted time and got him straight in the car when I saw how he was would he have had a chance? Part of the problem is not knowing his cause of death. The vet did not charge me and therefore did not perform a proper examination, however he did suggest it was most likely a heart problem judging by what I said. However these niggling thoughts still bother me. Did I close the food bin properly? Could he have gotten in and chewed on the lamb bones I had Friday night? If I had carried on with the heimlich manouver would he still be here? These horrible thoughts are killing me and I feel so distraught. I miss my baby so much and I feel like I failed him. He ran to me for help but there was nothing I could do. It is hard enough coping with the loss of a pet under any circumstance, i have unfortunately lost a few fur babies in my life. However this loss is by far the most traumatic and I feel like I will never be happy again.
  4. New tonthe Forum

    Hello Everyone, I’m new to the forum. I lost both of my parents a day apart 2 weeks ago. It was Monday September 18. My son was eating breakfast and I was getting ready for work. My phone rang and I looked to see who it was. It was my aunt (my father’s older sister). I felt my stomach drop because it was unlike her to call so early unless something was urgent. I answered the phone and heard the fragility in her voice. My father had died earlier that morning. My world as I knew it had been shattered. We talked every singles day several times a day. That was my best friend. I’ll never forget the feeling I felt. That night I received a phone call thst my mother was actively dying in the nursing home she’d been living in for the past 5 days (in Utah)I called into the wee hours of the night to find out her status. In the morning I called to check on her again and was told she had the “death rattle.” I knew it wouldn’t be long until she passed. I asked the nurse to put the phone to her ear so i could speak woth her one final time. As we made our way to TN (where my father resided) later thst morning, the nursing home called to tell me my mother had died. Words can’t really give justice to my emotions. My mother was a drug addict and she died as a result of the disease. I don’t she ever realized how wonderful she was and that she deserved better. I know there is someone out there that can relate/understand what it’s like. If you’re out there, please talk to me. Today has been a rought day on this journey and i could use a companion. If you got this far in the post, thank you for reading. I pray we are all able to move forward.
  5. In November this year I my cat who I had owned for almost ten years died. He was ten years old and showed no sign of illness so it came as a quite a shock when I found him dead in the garden. I handled it way different than I thought I would. The first few days were hard, I cried a lot and his death hadn't sunk it yet. But after that I felt like normal and it didn't feel as hard. My issue is that when I think about him, it's as if he was never real. I remember him clearly, I just don't remember how it was to have him in my life. Does that make sense? It's like I just dreamed having him. It's so hard to feel like that because it feels bad. He was one of the most important parts in my life and now I almost can't remember how my life was with him in it. Am I supposed to feel that way? Have any of you experienced a similar feeling after losing a pet? It would be very reasuring to hear that I'm not crazy. Thank you.
  6. Support for those who feel alone

    It's hard not to feel alone, and forums are helpful. I have tried to put my own experiences into my own blog, website, and book, if anyone is interested. I would also love to share ideas, as I am involved in research group studying sibling loss. I'd love to connect. http://www.turningthepage4u.com/
  7. Hello, I am writing here because my partner (with whom I live) lost his grandmother last week and he is really not doing well. He participated in the ceremony and followed her from the very moment she passed to the burial. I know he chose (because he promised her) not to leave her body alone until the burial, so he identified her at the morgue and then helped bury her (carried the body and opened the shroud in the tomb to apply rose water - Iranian tradition). He was raised in the US so it's not like he saw this many times in his life so I know he is extremely affected by what he saw and did. He is extremely proud and not very communicative for that kind of matter. He opens up sometimes but then locks himself down in his thoughts very quickly after. I feel completely ill-equipped to help him... he sleeps all day, moans and weeps at night, in his sleep,...he doesn't shower and can't focus. I know this is part of grief and it is "normal"... I would just need practical help... Tonight, he opened up and started talking about the people who apply make-up on the deceased... I thought it would be a good idea to follow him down this path and talked about it with him for a little bit and I could tell that he was pretty disturbed afterwards. So maybe this wasn't such a good idea. He was silent for a while and I told him that he could talk about anything if he wanted and patted his arm... but he shut down. I feel so sad that I can't help him... I don't know how to help him... and even if I knew, I wouldn't know how to say it since he is so proud and so private. Do you have any tips? Apart from being there for him and helping with the groceries/cooking and all... I know this already. Most importantly, is there a way to alleviate his trauma regarding seeing his grandmother's face on many occasions?? I know he mentioned that he cannot get it out of his head... Thank you so much for your help... I truly appreciate it.
  8. Hello, I am a Master of Arts in Liberal Studies degree candidate at Indiana University Kokomo. My intent is to analyze the existing writings of survivors from a wide range of traumas to see if they hold the key to creating a writing framework to help future victims. The research is confidential, the writings volunteers to the study send to me will not be shared or revealed in any way. I'm looking for trends across many texts. Below is an overview. I've also attached the consent form with all details. Please email me at nvanworm@iuk.edu with questions or to participate. My husband died suddenly in 2000. After three years, I went back to school. The grief and feelings of loss were awful. But, I survived. I'm now working on my graduate degree and because of my experience, decided to write my thesis on grief/trauma and writing. If you have written about your experience, you can help. I am seeking volunteers for a confidential research study on grief/trauma and writing in hopes of developing a framework to help future victims. If you have written about your experience, you can help. **What is trauma?** For this study, trauma is broadly defined as a uniquely individual experience that resulted in feelings of powerlessness with or without a physical threat to life. A traumatic event may involve a single incident or a prolonged experience that overwhelmed your coping abilities and impacted your quality of life resulting in post-trauma psychological or emotional distress. Examples of a single incident trauma includes but is not limited to rape, natural disaster, violence, accident, or the death of a loved one. Examples of prolonged experiences include but are not limited to domestic or child abuse, sexual abuse, major illness, or war. **What to expect?** To review the details, consent statement, and survey questions please CONTACT ME by e-mail @ nvanworm@iuk.edu. Please put “I am interested” in the subject line. If you want to participate, you will * electronically sign and return the consent statement * send your existing narrative (or whatever form your writing took) to the e-mail address shown in the consent statement. After I receive your consent form and narrative, I will send you a link to the survey (hosted by university-approved Qualtrics). After you complete the survey, your involvement is complete. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. Please forward this information to anyone who may be interested in participating. Respectfully, Navi Vernon Consent Statement--please review.rtf
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