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About Me

Found 4 results

  1. I'm only 24. Went to the hospital last month for breathing problems and that's when they told me I have cardiomyopathy. I have 1-2 years left at the most, I haven't done anything with my life. I haven't talked to anyone about it, I don't really have anyone in my life, and I still haven't really cried about it yet. My parents are alive and wealthy but won't admit anything is wrong. We don't have a very good relationship to begin with though. I just don't know how to deal with any of this.
  2. Hello! I'm new to this site. I am a 33 year old female who was diagnosed with Stage IV stomach cancer on Halloween day last year. I was given a six to twelve month life expectancy. I have been having extensive...horrible...chemo for over nine months now only to get scan results back that the cancer still doubled...now I'm on weekly chemo in a last ditch effort to...well I guess prolong the agony. I know it us all in Gods hands and I could get a miracle but.... I don't know....just came looking for something...even in my cancer group I'm the only diagnoses terminal one...it's like I don't have a place....people who understand.....
  3. Hi Everyone. I am new to this forum so please bear with me. My Grandma was rushed to hospital last Thursday - very quickly the doctors figured out that she has blood clots in her lungs and more moving up from her legs, secondary cancer in her liver and a primary cancer somewhere else. As she was so weak they said there was nothing they could do, and gave her 1 or 2 days to live. Naturally my sister and I, my mum and dad and my aunts and uncles rushed over to see her. On sunday evening she seemed very weak, wasn't eating, drinking or talking and could barely open her eyes. A lot of us had to go back to work, so my mum and dad stayed with us and the rest of us said very tearful goodbyes, thinking that would be the last time we saw her. Amazingly now over a week past and she is still with us. After spending most of the week asleep, yesterday my mum said she opened her eyes and spoke a few words, and even ate some ice cream! None of us know what to do or to think - is this the 'last hoorah' you hear about when people suddenly get better before they finally go, or is she gettting better? I just don't know how to cope - has anyone had a similar experience? Thanks for your time, Sx
  4. I'm gonna start by saying I can't sleep, I've just written this down and didn't know what to do with it. When I have an idea I can't stop myself so I'm sorry how it reads and I'm sorry if it's stupid and I sound like an idiot. I don't have anyone to really speak to so writing things helps me understand. sorry it's so long.. Everyone grieves at some point in their life and it just so happens that I am grieving and I think I have been for a long time. I suppose there is no right or wrong way because everyone grieves differently so I can't be going wrong, but I'll explain what I mean. Obviously there are people who grieve inwardly and like to keep it to themselves. I have no problem with this and everyone should be able to deal with a loss in their own way. Personally, although I’m not overly obvious with my grief and I don’t pour my feelings or emotions out to anyone who will listen, I do worry that people will forget my loss, my Dad and I do like to talk about what happened because it makes it feel real. This, in fact, is one reason why I question grief. I have two immediate family members who don’t speak about our loss. My Mum and I have had chats since December but maybe only a couple but my brother hasn’t said anything about what happened since the funeral. I’d love to be able to speak about it, I’d love to know that someone feels the same way as me and understands how much it hurts but can I just bring it up? Am I meant to be respectful and keep quiet because that’s what they’ve done? If I ignore the issue like I feel they’ve been doing, is that being sensitive to the way they are grieving or am I stopping myself from getting on with my own process? Although inside I feel upset and angry I don’t cry all the time and haven’t done since the funeral. I’ll cry at odd times when something triggers a memory or I remember the morning it happened but generally I’ve felt okay about it because it doesn't crop up very often. There are two possibilities that I see for this which again, makes me question my grief… am I doing this right? Shouldn’t I be upset and moody and awkward around people because I lost someone so important from my life? Maybe I don’t get upset because like I mentioned, the loss isn’t something that is openly talked about at home. It feels like ‘normal’, like nothing happened, although a big chunk of life is missing. But in terms of daily routine and life, everything has gone back to how it was for us personally before it happened. Is this why I don’t feel the need to cry all the time although I’m desperately hurting inside? The other explanation is that actually, my grief started a long, long time ago and now I'm in acceptance. I think to understand how long ago would mean to have lived my (my brothers, my Mums) life with me (us) since I was young (I'm 25). Is it possible to always know the inevitable is going to happen and therefore grief starts years before the loss occurs? Knowing when I was little that my Dad was very poorly and almost died a few times never prepared me for how/what happened but that chance of it happening at any point was always there. It often crossed my mind and I often visualised what would happen. The past two years I suppose were even worse, in that the hospital visits were constant, the illnesses more often nearly losing him in 2011 was an eye opener and hit my internal panic button. Is this when I started grieving? I often think of myself as a realist. I’m optimistic but I have to think realistically otherwise I’ll find myself disappointed more often than I like to think. I guess I knew that when, two years ago, I almost lost my Dad, that there would never be a full recovery and I needed to prepare for the inevitable. Of course, when rehabilitation happened and walking was almost achieved, along with speaking, eating and almost a normal daily routine, I sort of hoped that things would go back to normal but inside I must have known. When the Liverpool Care Pathway was brought up and we were told about our options, back in November after his health deteriorated, I accepted it. I cried, obviously, I probably cried more for him before he passed than afterwards. I tried to cry in private, I didn’t like people seeing that it upset me and I certainly didn’t cry infront of Dad. I grieved, I suppose, for the loss that was about to happen. I knew it wouldn’t go back to normal and I had to spend every moment I could with him, as upsetting as it was. The whole hospital period when we were told he wasn’t going to ever recover was almost two months. Two months of knowing, waiting and preparing. It was two years ago that he had his big stroke to ‘end all strokes’ (he had many) and around 20 years ago that he first became ill, poorly and depressed and tried to kill himself before having his first major stroke and many years of problems. When I think back to that day in December, it crushes me. It’s not something I like to think about because it makes it real and it scares me and I’m not surprised that no-one else wants to talk about it. It’s one thing that will set me off straight away. When, however, I think back to my Dad and his entire life, I feel almost fine. Have I accepted it or am I avoiding what’s happened in the long run? I genuinely don’t know if this is what grief feels like. It feels normal, it feels like I’ve lost someone but it’s in the back of my mind and I feel like it’s not real all in one. I’m genuinely confused because I don’t know if this is it. Or are there other stages that I’ll face or have to overcome or has it not even hit me yet, four months later? I would love to be able to speak to my immediate family but I can’t face bringing up something they may be purposely avoiding. I’d like to know whether how I’m feeling is normal (or abnormal) and I’d like to know what other people went through when they lost someone they loved and were terribly close to. I know I've read sites stating that there's no set way or stage or time period but I'm seriously confused. Is this it now? Is he gone and forgotten by everyone accept me and am I condemned to keep quiet about it forever? I’m pretty sure I’m grieving, I just don’t know if I’m doing it right?