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  1. I'm trying to deal with my sisters passing and I've been trying to think away the pain, which I know is unhealthy, but I'm scared that if I breakdown, I will be broken forever, I miss her so much and I want to hear her voice and feel her holding my hand or giving my a hug I want to be greedy and selfish and hoard all her stuff so I can keep her close, everyday I regret so much of went on between us, dumb **** I never apologized for, time spent together i wasted, I'm scared I will forget her I'm scared I will not be able to give her children the answers they will ask me one day. Me and my sisters, it was always us against the world no matter the odds we had each others backs. Brought up rough, we turned to each other first, and knew that we would walk through fire for each other. We were a set, our husbands soon realized you couldn't have one without the others popping in too My sister killer herself out of grief for her husband who died of cancer two weeks earlier, all the time to prepare did nothing to lessen the blow, they had 5 kids who are distraught to put it mildly at the loss of their mum and dad. I know she fkd up and in that low moment she chose the perceived oblivion of death than feel the pain all the time. It wasn't her first rock bottom in her life, just the first time she didn't come back from it. Im not angry at her for killing herself, I don't care about the how of her death, dead is dead, I'm lonely and heartbroken and confused I don't want to do anything but be numb, I am angry at ahole ppl who made my last moments with her stressful I was trying to be with her as much as possible before I closed her casket never to see her face again, it sucks that I let these ppl get in my way but there was fk all I could do at the time I'm angry that those ppl robbed me of our time, and I hate ppl who give lip service and are disingenuous I put on my bullshit happy face and nod and smile everyday. I'm doing fine... A generic answer for a generic question asked all the time rather than the truth that I'm fkd up inside
  2. Really have no idea where else to put this rant so I decided to do it here. Yesterday made it five months since my mother died. I was tremendously depressed and actually felt suicidal. I started thinking about how I can just go drown myself in a lake two minutes away from us walking distance. Then I thought about how my close friends and family would be affected. Then I just continued crying. Had no appetite so I didn't eat much. Today I felt sort of better. A lady who was best friends with my mother (and I'm close to their son), called me today. I told her what happened yesterday and how I really felt. She went straight to saying how I should have gone to church or read the Bible. I got furious and started saying how I feel and how I don't believe in worshipping a god who did not even listen to any of our prayers the whole time leading up to my mother's death. Then she said it was God's plan for what happened and he had a better reason for why things turned out the way they did. That basically makes it seem as if god shortened her life even though my mom never deserved it to be shortened. Being told that death isn't permanent makes it feel like my pain is useless and I'm mourning for no reason. When really I do have a reason to be depressed over the death of my mother. I'm starting to feel as if she is really just trying to comfort HERSELF. I told her how serious it was and how the depression prevented me from even doing my usual activities and that is when she decided to tell me I should speak to a counselor at my college. That is what she should've said in the very beginning. She knows how I feel when people bring up god and that he will make things better for us and we will see my mom again on judgment day. Literally makes no sense how since your body rots with time after you die. Still, she continues. She said she wont bring up god in our conversations anymore but I know that is a lie since she does every weekend we speak on the phone. It's really annoying and doesnt help me in any way. What helps one person wouldn't help the other person and she refuses to understand that and actually live by it. I'm tired of being preached to. I need people to rant to that wouldn't use a magical being as an excuse for what happened to me. She always says that she is suffering from her loss as well. She was her best friend, I was my mother's daughter pretty much all my life. There's a difference between our bond with my mother and it seems as if she is trying to minimize my pain. Just wanted to get that out even if nobody will respond.
  3. My boyfriend was my whole entire world. We may have been young but we knew what we wanted and that was each other. He lost his long fight with depression on August 4th 2017, at the age of 19. But he gained his angel wings to finally fly free and be happy. I am only 18 years old. I am so lost & so broken. We spent everyday together almost & when we weren't together we were either texting or on facetime until we could be with each other again. He had depression since he was a freshman in high school. I met him my 7th grade year of middle school, he was my first everything. We had plans to get an apartment together this month and start our forever.. I am trying to do everything i can to make him proud & express my love for him to him & others. i will never stop loving him, telling people about how amazing of a person he was, and i will never stop wishing that he was still here beside me. I love you my forever for always Tyshawn Napoleon Reese. 12.15.1997-08.04.2017, fly high my angel boy until we meet again. Also, i created a go fund me to help me out with purchasing a tombstone- gf.me/u/cqa7jb
  4. A Month

    My dad battled bipolar disorder his whole life. The worst of it happened many years ago and after his recovery he was stable for 17 years. Stable, but did not want to acknowledge what had happened. I would go to bipolar family support groups and he would pretend that all of those years while he was manic depressive didn't exist. I tried to convince to go to therapy, he joined some informal support group not meant for people with mental illness. Unbeknownst to me he stopped seeing his psychiatrist and started getting his psychiatric medication from his internist who knew nothing about treating a man with bipolar disorder. This doctor ended up prescribing two other medications that interacted with his lithium and he started developing a serious lithium toxicity and his kidneys started to shut down. My dad called this doctor for help, thinking he was destabilizing mentally and this piece of **** turned him away. He kept telling me he was fine and to leave him alone, but enough was enough and I showed up at his apartment. He was covered in bruises and his own feces and so relieved that I was there to help. We got him to the hospital and when they took his blood levels he had to have emergency dialysis. After he was medically cleared they put him in the psychiatric ward just to monitor him and make sure his lithium levels were back to normal and he was safe. He did not handle it well. He could not bare to be back in a psychiatric unit, even for a few days. Even though they were very kind and took good care of him. Eventually we found him a therapist and psychiatrist and he decided he no longer wanted to be on lithium. He said it caused him too much anxiety to be on the medication, even though it had kept him stable for all of that time before this. So he switched...his mood went really high and then dropped really low. Then he put a shotgun in his mouth and blew his head off. I'm doing my best to hang in there and make the "right" choices in dealing with my grief. I just feel like I'm drowning and I don't want to go on. I feel as if I failed him and I should have been there to save him. I miss him so much everyday.
  5. my dad hung himself 17 days ago, i know he was depressed, when i was 6 he also hung himself in front of me but survived, this time he didn't. i'm not sure what to do? i'm 13
  6. Helping to bring the number down

    Hello, my name is Anthony barela. I am so sorry for everyone's loss here. To date in the United States teen suicide is the number two cause of death among teens. My brothers and I would like to help bring that number down as significantly as possible. We are doing an informal survey right now in hopes of starting a nonprofit organization that will help bring counselors to schools every single quarter to just simply ask our children how they are doing. To give them help. Today, schools are stretched thin and many counselors have as many 600:1 ratios to help our young people. We would like to bring our counselors in and bring that ratio down for a few days and help our teens. Another aspect would be to lend our ears to stopping social media bullying. Today kids are not simply bullied at school they are bullied 24 hours a day 7 days a week. As parents ourselves we understand how difficult it is to constantly protect our children when it feels we do not have the weapons to protect them. If anyone would volunteer to answer these questions on this forum or in a direct message it would be of great help for us to move forward and start to find better ways to help our children. I truly appreciate your time and again I am truly sorry for your loss. 1. Would you support counselors going to your child's school and talking to them individually every quarter? 2. Would you as a parent take a social media course to help navigate your child's social media without compromising their privacy? 3. Do you as a parent feel the school system is doing enough about bullying? Please explain either yes or no. 4. At what age do you believe bullying becomes the biggest problem? 5. Finally do you believe that there are enough programs in place to help you and your child feel happy and safe? thank you so much for your time. Let's end teen suicide and protect our children together. Thank you, anthony barela
  7. Hello last Wednesday my boyfriend commited suicide. I feel broken, he was my best friend. We were together for 8 years since we were 15 and 16 and now he's just gone. No note, no goodbye. He was my first everything. He had been depressed for a while but had gone onto anti depressants and was starting to feel better. We had just got our own house together and everything seemed perfect until that night he went missing. Please tell me this gets easier :,(
  8. Lost the love of my life

    Last Wednesday 29th of March my partner of four years and the love of my life has fully unexpectedly for everyone pulled the trigger in the bathroom at his place. He was discovered by his father and was rushed to hospital. He wrote me 2 messages and a note on that day, generally all saying that he loved me eternally and wished me the best life. The second note was for the parents - i didn't see it, but i am sure that is where he really poured the blame out as the family was disfunctional. He was only 29, and has left me virtually a widow at 24 - we were planning our future together, we've spend an amazing weekend prior to what happened - and even Monday and Tuesday were full of support... This left me broken, devastated and incredibly lonely. We don't even know when the funral will take place, as the police/hospital still have the body... Right now, I am going through something I hoped would never come. As such, my usual day-to day life is just cancelled now. Everything - from the uni to even watching TV, I've stopped doing it all. I do not see the sense to live anymore, it hurts so much and I can't even distract myself for a second. Rn, I can't be cheered up even by those grieving with me too. All the well-meant encouragements just make me angry because people i don't consider close friends and who've never been through this simply can't even imagine what i feel. The person I've lost so suddenly meant pretty much everything to me, my miserable life made sense for once, for once I wanted to go with the rules of the world and try to work and study for the future. Now it is all gone, and the pain and emptiness I feel are endless. I neglect everything, including myself. Maybe a better time will come after the funeral, maybe years later, maybe never? I feel the love itself has dissappeared from my life with him...
  9. I married the love of my life in 2013, but after 3 years of marriage things weren't going so well. I never stopped loving my husband, but alcohol and his untreated depression tore us apart. The divorce was finalized last November. Afterwards we still spoke almost daily, said "I love you," and discussed things we could've done differently. In the bottom of my heart I hoped he would get help for his depression and alcoholism and that we'd get back together someday. I was starting to doubt my decision to leave him, I know he still loved me. 8 weeks after the divorce he killed himself. He was only 34 years old, he cut his life in half. We hadn't even closed our joint checking account yet. At first his family welcomed me to travel across the country to attend his memorial service. They waited till after I'd purchased a plane ticket, one week before I was going to leave, to call and tell me I'm an "enemy of the family." Obviously, I didn't go. I didn't even get to say goodbye to him, the one person I've loved more than anyone else in the world. It's been 3 months since he died, and I am still barely functioning. No one understands, they think that because we were divorced (BARELY!) I shouldn't care, "get over it." I tried going to a counselor, it didn't seem to help a whole lot. Everyone's sick of talking about it, they tell me that "crying doesn't change anything," "be strong," "you'll find someone else." The night before he did it, we spent 8 hours on the phone (yes, 8). Something didn't seem right about him but I couldn't put my finger on it. I think he'd already made up his mind and wanted to say goodbye. It was strange though, because we discussed plans he'd made for the future. I'm grateful I got to spend so much time with him before he left. Its just so hard to accept that the final fate of someone I thought I knew so well ended up being such a horrible tragedy. I think of him constantly, and wonder what I should have done differently. His family blames me for his death. I wish there was a way to fix all of this, I miss him so terribly.
  10. Shocked

    My husband just committed suicide this evening. We have a beautiful baby girl. We had plans to take a summer road trip, go out to eat this weekend - what happened? I'm so numb right now. I feel like if I had just said or done something differently he would be sleeping beside me now. What do we do next? I'm so lost without my best friend
  11. so basically my partner of 9 months lost her husband to suicide just over two years ago although i have suffered grief i can't begin to understand what she experienced and I'm not trying to. I just want to be there for her and help her through her darkest times, i lost my mum three years ago and i found it so so hard and that is nothing compared to what she went through finding her husband hanging in the house were they lived together and she has ben so strong for so long its unreal and i don't want her to carry this trouble alone anymore. we go through so many ups and downs together i just wondered if anyone had been through something similar and had some advice to help. thanks in advance jay
  12. My boyfriend of 7 years passed away a month ago. He was involved in a fire that started in his bedroom. Door was locked, but he always locked his door. They ruled it as intentional but have no real evidence other than the fact that they ruled out every other option. Less than one percent of people in the US commit suicide by fire. I can't bring myself to believe he would do this, the last text he sent was "sorry for the late reply". Does anyone have any advice for me... I am taking care of our two year old daughter and just don't know how to cope. I keep researching the items in his room/ their flame temperature/ thinking about all the logistics of the fire and am just really needing answers that I don't know if I'll ever get. He was 24 years old.
  13. My father took his own life with a .22 magnum on the back lawn of the family home just over a month ago on the 21st of December. I was very close with him an knew something wasn't right by his txt msgs that day, I even tried calling 10 or so times an got hold of my brother. Anyway I got a call at around 1130pm to say dad had shot himself. Up until 3 or so years ago I was off the rails an quite hard work but we had since sorted things out. My mother an father we're both alcoholics. Not one family member other than my mother has talked to me since. Today my mum has sent me several msgs saying it's all my fault and it hurts so bad. I feel so guilty and down and alone. I miss my dad so much and I can't take it all much longer. Just venting an possibly looking for some advice.
  14. 9 months since my beautiful, incredibly intelligent son finally managed to end his unbearable life at 25 years old. . He tried multiple times over 8 years. I was always there to stop him until the last few years - he moved away with his wife and 2 very small children, out of my reach. He had a great job with benefits and a good life financially. I know I couldn't have stopped him from his goal. I came to terms with that after the first several attempts ... That, at some point, he would succeed . ... I don't think I will ever understand the pain that would cause you to leave all the people who love you ... I'm still angry, confused and hurting . How do I get past it? How do I understand a pain so severe that you discount your children? ... And all the people who love you and are there for you... I struggle with this daily. I'm normally a happy person, but at times, the thoughts and memories are too much. Not sure how to work through this pain and need to understand his pain.
  15. Last March, a friend of mine attempted suicide on her 21st birthday. She died nine days later. I didn't know her for very long (under a year) but we became close quickly. She was one of few people in my life who I knew I wanted to stay in touch with forever. I didn't spend enough time with her before she died. There were so many things I never got to share with her. I knew she'd been struggling emotionally, but so had so many of my friends... I've known so many people who are or have been suicidal that I didn't process that could mean death until after it happened. I just keep running through what I could have done differently and all the amazing things she could've gone on to do in her life. It feels wrong that this happened. I had it so set in my mind that we were going to be friends for years. I think about her every day. I don't want to forget about her, but it's so exhausting to be constantly thinking about her. Will it ever stop? I walked past the ambulance that went to get her. Now every time I hear sirens I get anxious. I only found out she was in the hospital because we worked on the same staff and our supervisor called everyone in to let us know. I worry that if someone who I'm not close enough with is dying, I won't know about it. I'm afraid of losing people.
  16. This is the first i have reached out to any support group but ill try my best. I lost my older brother to suicide 3 months ago on Sunday. He was 4 years older than me and was 23. I always looked up to him and he was the strongest person i knew. he had the biggest heart in the world and he would do anything for anyone often putting others before himself. Sadly i didn't get to see him much the past few years as he joined the army when i was in high school and i did a terrible job of trying to keep in touch with him. He was never the type of person to call people and i wish i had got to talk to him more. I think about him every day and some days are okay. But other days are just terrible and i have no motivation. Ill lay in bed for hours doing nothing and sometimes the only thing that makes me get is having to be at work. Its been especially hard lately with the holidays as that was the time of year I usually got to see him. I'm going to visit the cemetery tomorrow for the first time since the funeral and I'm not really sure what to do or how to feel about it as I've never visited anyone in a cemetery.
  17. I have never posted on a site like this before but I am really struggling and looking for some help or advice. My biological father, who I never got the chance to meet, died by suicide over the summer. I found out about his passing only two weeks after it happened through a google search of his name since I wanted to try to find a picture of him to show my significant other. I always assumed I would be able to meet him and share my life with him someday, but the choice is no longer mine. He made the decision for me when he took his own life and I am very sad and angry about it. I don't know how I am supposed to grieve for someone I never got the chance to meet, much less how I am supposed to grieve for someone I never got the chance to meet who committed suicide. I feel as if I am grieving for him as a person as well as grieving for the relationship we never got to have and now never will.
  18. My wife and I met 6 years ago and had been inseparable ever since. She was my best friend, my true emotional support, my other half. She's an award winning fashion photographer and an excellent nurse who licenses and inspects nursing homes and group homes. Her attention to detail and eye for beauty is astonishing. She also strives to be the best friend, best girlfriend, best wife, and best mom. She's so kind-hearted, genuine, easy-going, and beautiful inside and out. We have our silly language together, we find comfort in little things, like cuddling on the couch or bed to watch TV dramas. I missed how she requested me to massage her small feet, before using my left arm as her pillow, to put her to sleep, since we became a couple 6 years ago. We traveled the world, we got married just over 2 years ago in an immaculate wedding that she masterfully planned herself. We welcomed our baby boy with the greatest joy in the world just 3 months ago. We were so happy. I am 35, she was 32. She even did her baby photography herself when she still had pain from C section.. But then she rapidly fell ill with severe postpartum anxiety and depression when our boy was 5-6 weeks old. Multitude of factors.. C-section pain, insomnia, breastfeeding problems, fixation on breastfeeding, baby's allergies to cow's milk protein, perfectionist personality, high expectations of self etc. Everything was tried... psychiatrists, medications, counselors (whom she declined), surrounding her with friends and families (whom she tried to push away), taking her out to our usual dating spots and also exploring new places, taking away the pressure of baby tasks by having family helping full-time, giving her lots of hugs and massages... But she was still jittery, pacing around, flat emotions, and completely not herself. But when it comes to the well-being of our son, she could focus fully and speak normally. We all know she loves our son with all her heart, and only wants the best for him. On Oct 24, she took care of our son for a long time, played with him, even sang the Alphabet song to him (she barely sang during this 3 weeks of depression/anxiety). The evening of Oct 24, she talked to me playfully briefly, I had to do a double-take to ask her if she really meant to talk to me playfully (hasn't done that for several weeks). I was ecstatic, so excited that the real funny her was still in there. I cuddled her, hugged her, put my head on her lap, rolled around and told her "I love this, you're getting better! Morning of Oct 25, she was pacing around the room as usual since 6am. She took a shower after I woke up, washed her hair, came down to eat cereal, washed baby bottles when I was getting ready to go to work. I asked her for a peck on the cheek, she gave me a peck on the cheek. I gave her a hug, told her I love her, and that I'll be back by 6 o'clock. An hour later, she left home in her car, captured on security camera at home. She found an opening when the 2 family members in the house were occupied. Cellphone was off the whole day. Police, social media, TV, Radio, newspapers were engaged immediately on the same day. I went on live TV the same night pleading for her safe return. On Oct 26, her car was found in a large park close to a big popular suspension bridge. Search and rescue teams, Major crime unit, Police Marine Unit, helicopters, mounted units, hundreds of volunteers, posters everywhere, Candlelight vigils, massive public outpouring of love and support were all involved. A store footage of her buying gatorade and banana was obtained by my friend, which was before her car was found. I went on live TV two more times. My heart already sank knowing the location of her car so close to the bridge, and already kept thinking about the worse, although many people still hold out a lot of hope for a miracle that she was rescued. I've been grieving my assumed-loss since late October, praying for her soul to go to the light, while praying her physical body to return to us (but also praying for her safe return should she be alive). A candlelight vigil (for her safe return) was held in the park, attended by over 150 people, where I expressed my gratitude to the society and everyone involved; I also recited my wedding vow (and it was so So hard to do). Detectives and police came to our home last week, and by their grim look I knew what they were going to say. A lone hiker found her in the water in a remote cove of an island. I've been truly grieving for 8 days now, even though she was lost almost a month ago. What makes me feel better is my now firm believe that her soul goes on, and that there's more to life than physical death. I have felt a few unusual things which were almost unmistakably signs from her trying to communicate with me (over a year ago we made a pact to send signs to the other if there's more after death, should one of us pass first), and this gives me comfort knowing This is not the end. Just part of the journey of the soul. But I still wake up with anxiety every day, some days worse than others. My mind tends to be more clear/vulnerable, and sweet memories and perhaps unrealistic dreams come to my mind. I would feel SO much suffering. That this is SO hard. I have to remind myself during those times that my wife was very sick, and needed to recall how she looked like when she was severely depressed and anxious, to tell myself that she is without pain and suffering now. And that all her good deeds done in her lifetime, and all the millions of wishes and prayers sent to her from all corners of society will lift her to a land of eternal happiness. I see psychologists, talk to counselors, spiritual teachers, friends who've lost loved ones, my supportive family. But it's still so hard. I'm so grateful that I have a family member able to take on full-time care of the baby (I'm sure my wife made sure this was in place before she left). Everything reminds me of her. The PJ and bathrobe she last wore is still on the bed and in the closet. I can't bear to move them. I asked her closest girlfriends to come over at a later date to help organize things, so they don't trigger me so much. I don't want to throw anything away , because I still need to decide what I should keep for my 3 month old son, when he grows up. I backed up her computer, and will back up a couple more times. I felt I have the duty to keep all our memories intact, not just for myself, but especially for my 3 month old son. I know I must focus on the present. But I am afraid the sweet memories of the past, and I think my subconscious inhibits me from thinking about the happy memories too much. I'm also afraid of the future, how I can Ever get out of this grief. How I can deal with these memories. How I need to raise my son, and get him to know his mother. What if he doesn't want to know his mother? What if his young mind try to place blame somewhere? How do young widows move forward? There are so many questions, and so many other things on my mind such as preparing for funeral, dealing with family dynamics, dealing with paperwork, dealing with finances... Thank you all for being here.
  19. It is a confusing story none the less. I am 21 years old and unsure what my life will hold from here because I am in fact scared of death. The story starts with me meeting my love. He was a lost, deep and passionate soul. We met right before I was leaving for my freshman year of college and he worked hard since the very first day to win me over. at He eventually became my boyfriend that May. We were in different locations and the long distance was hard but when we were together it was incredible. Eventually, I could not handle the long distance and broke up with him in the beginning of my junior year. I moved on to my current boyfriend who has been there for me through this whole process. During my Junior year that thanksgiving break, I went out with friends and decided to text and find him the night before Thanksgiving. I did in fact and I was then torn between two boys. He was the most passionate person there was and would do anything in the world for me. We fooled around thanksgiving break and then spontaneously I got a free trip to Flordia to go work for a week after my finals were done. We went on vacation in secret and it was the most incredible week I have ever had. Following that week in Flordia was Christmas, New Years and then I would be leaving to Study Abroad in Cape Town Africa for a few weeks. Christmas he was in Mexico but we spent New Years together and something was not right. I was torn between two guys and that was not fair to them so I had to pick. The night before I left for Cape Town, Africa was still the most tears I have ever had to this day. A lot of fighting, crying and contemplating went on that night but we ended things. We for the first time addressed all of our problems and the long distance and why we broke up. All the questions we both had were answered. We ended things peacefully, maturely and with mutual forever love and that we would figure things out in the future. I boarded that plane the next day, had a layover in Germany and the moment I landed in Cape, my life changed. I had to turn around immediately and spend a total of 40+ hours of flying in 3 days to grieve the loss of my ex-boyfriend. He died in a drowning accident. I miss him everyday. The situation has been confusing to explain to my current boyfriend because of the fooling around that went on. For the most part, I am okay. Life has to move on. I had a few moments of complete despair and one resulted in a suicide attempt. I am sad though and do not know how to ask for help. I am confused on how to grieve. Was he someone who was suppose to walk into my life and go or was he suppose to stay? That’s the tragedy that I will never know. Regardless he taught me lessons. He taught me about forgiveness, the power of being loved and being devoted. He taught me passion and he also taught me sorrow.
  20. My mum killed herself 10 and half years ago by jumping off a multi-storey car park. I was 15 at the time. I didn't see it happen but I went with my father to identify the body and I will never forget that. I can remember feeling at the time that this was so awful that I would never be able to get over it, or come to terms with it, so there was no point trying. My school offered me counselling and I refused. I remember thinking 'what can they possibly tell me?' and 'how can they even try to relate to me'. The thought of it made me angry. But now I realise that they were just there to listen and not to try give me advice, and I wish I had gone. I didn't bottle my emotions up, I stayed up every night crying for years and years. However, I didn't talk to anyone about how I was feeling, it wasn't on purpose it's just what happened and now 10 years on I find it impossible to talk to people about what happened or how it felt. I have very close friends who don't know what happened and I've been in relationships and still being unable to talk about. I've only recently started reading about suicide survivors and looking at online forums. I've realised that keeping silent was the worst way to try and deal with her death. In time I am hoping to share more and maybe go to a support group and eventually be able to talk to friends and family about it openly. If anybody has felt this way before and has any advice I would really appreciate it. Thanks, Nina
  21. A few months ago my boyfriend committed suicide by hanging himself in his garage. He had sent me a picture in the early morning of a noose around his neck, I didn't believe him and I went running. He had done that two days before and I wouldn't running to his house and he was walking to his truck, I thought he was crying wolf. He wasn't on that day on Tuesday morning, we really didn't argue the night before I just didn't feel like talking to him, I had no idea he was feeling anything, no pain I didn't understand anything. What I didn't know at the time is that he had drank 15 beers and did an eight ball of cocaine that his sister told me he had done after the fact after the toxicology report came in. When he hung himself, he phoned me I didn't pick up the phone and he left me a voicemail. In the voicemail he said in a very angry voice "listen I want you to hear this" and I heard him jump off the ladder and gargle and gag for about seven seconds and it went silent. Now this was 10 hours later. I drove to his house when He wasn't responding to my texts, I called his sister who found him hanging in his garage. I saw him before the police or the paramedics got there, I was in such shock. But what hurts the most is knowing that he called me in so much pain and left me a voicemail that I will never forgive myself. Why did I don't look at the picture with the noose around his neck Second time and go to the house, the first time I did why didn't I the second time. I think he thought I was going to come there. When he took the picture it was 6:02 AM and when he committed suicide it was 6:18 AM, I really think he thought I was going to come and save him. If I had any idea that he would've left me I would have been there in one second. I miss him more than anything in this whole entire world and I don't think I've ever felt so depressed, sad, lonely, guilty. He was my life, we talked on the phone maybe 15 times a day, we slept on the phone at night. I can't even tell you how much fun we had, he never showed me any signs of depression, we dated for a year and a half. I just want this nightmare to end and I want him back, I would give anything in my life to have him back, to hug him and tell him I love you. I had no idea. They found blood underneath his fingernails and around his neck, I think he realized he made a mistake. But I think the drugs and the alcohol took over.
  22. Not sure if this is the right forum to post this in but looking for advice or affirmation that I am not broken. A year an a half ago I lost my father to suicide. I had already been with my current partner for a year and a half when it happened. We lived together and were in the beginning stages of building a very solid relationship but like any "new" relationship, we had our struggles of learning each others boundaries and triggers and how to properly communicate with one another.I decided to go to Costa Rica solo because I was off work for the time and she was busy with work. While I was there I received the news about my father. Being alone in a foreign country and hearing this news was earth shattering - the worst thing I can ever imagine experiencing.The way my partner reacted and handled everything was so admirable. She had me on a plane and home in no time. She was so supportive and strong in every way she could be. It showed me what an incredible human being she is. I believe that the harshness of the situation brought us closer together and made us inseparable. -----Before my father died, we had a good healthy sex life. That being said, our relationship was still fairly new. The unexpected loss of my father made a huge impact on my labido which I figured is normal during the grieving process. Now a year and a half of healing from these wounds, I would think my drive should be somewhat normal again but it's not. This is very hard for her because her "love language" is physical touch. Over the last year and a half, we have definitely had good moments of intimacy, but I know it's not enough to make her feel sufficient, loved, or desired. Sometimes I have sex dreams and they feel really good but when I wake up, I am back to feeling celibate! Shes VERY understanding and often defends me when I am hard on my self about it. Her compassion never seizes to amaze me. I do have a lot of guilt about it though. I feel like I take so much from her and can't give what she needs in return. How hard is it to just suck it up and give her the hour of intimacy she needs to feel loved? Very hard apparently. While she still finds me very desirable, I have absolutely no desire to pursue sexuality. If she does try, I find my self getting defensive and shutting down emotionally OR getting upset/angry. I feel pressured even when she isn't pressuring me. Because I can't fulfill her like this, I start to question if we really should be together? Am I relying on her emotionally in a way that is not healthy for our relationship? The times I do want to pursue sex, which is becoming less and less, I think it's more hormonal/primal rather than sexual intimate desires. I guess I am confused if the sudden suicide of my Dad would cause this? Is this apart of grief? Even a year and a half later? I can't ever imagine letting this person go - we have such a solid relationship in all aspects except sexually - but sometimes I wonder if I should free her from this. She deserves so much more that I don't know if I can authentically ever give her. The relationship has integrated into a companionship for me, and she's left needing the attention and affection that I struggle to give. It's heart breaking. Any one else experience this?
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  24. Hello everyone, First I would like to say that I am sorry for your loss. This goes for everyone. This is my first loss. I do not actually know how to do this so I am winging it a bit. But I have a question that may sounds stupid, I really don't know. It's been 82 days since my wife took her life. You hear all the time about someone being with the "love of their life", but in my 30-40 years I had never experienced something like that, until I met my late wife. She was the most incredible human being, fascinating.. You don't want to hear this. My question is one of a moral nature, I think. I lost all perspective when I lost her. I can't tell what is right or wrong. I am wondering, since I don't seem to be making progress? If I should just take up one of these offers of sleeping with someone else. No strings. Just getting it over with. Part of me is screaming because that's so terrible. The other part, no doubt my 15 year old self, is screaming to go get laid. As wonderful as my wife was, she was extremely jealous and I had to take care in how I did everything to make sure she didn't think I was up to something I wasn't. I have never cheated in my LIFE and I never will. Hell, my wife even cheated on me early on. That doesn't give you free license to do the same. I had never been able to forgive anyone for such a thing before.. With my wife, after a talk, it was so easy.. And I know she never did again. Anyway.. I don't necessarily need to be hammered here, telling me how terrible I am for thinking this. But I do need the truth in some fashion. Should I avoid this? Is there actually a "legal" time frame where it *would* be considered cheating still? Is this all up to me and what I think I'm ready for? Am i very stupid for thinking about this so soon? Just let me have it.. But please be somewhat kind in doing so. Thank you for any and all opinions, advice or facts on this.