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Hello. I really cannot see myself living past the age of 21, I am suicidal, but things are complicated. The love of my life and my only friend passed away unexpectedly the morning of the 5th of june. The last thing we spoke to each other was a small disagreement, ending with us going to sleep, but it was alright, we fel asleep next to eachother, an hour and a half later I woke up and found him unconscious and pale on the floor. He was 24, and just like me in every way, it might as well have been me, he was so much more talanted and smart. I wish I would have died with him, yet this existence goes on, it is torture, my life was miserable before i met him, then i got to know what it was like to be happy before we were taken from eachother. I can't go on knowing he is gone, our life together is gone and its never coming back. I can not see myself living in 10 or 15 years, looking back at the love of my life, he who will forever be 24 years old. The only time I feel relief is knowing my life will end too, that I can end it any time I want. The reasons I havent done it yet is to have time to preserve what my boyfriend left behind. Maybe I am too much of a coward? I am intent on dying at home. It should have been me who died, not him. I have no friends, no ambition, no things I am good at, nothing that I can give to others by living. He was such a wonder child, everything he put his mind into he became good at, extremely talented musician, and as a child he was a national champion in all airgun tournaments. He was so well liked, cute and wonderful. Yet he dies at 24. I feel that there is no more fitting way to end it than to do it shortly after him, put our ashes by the river in his hometown. I miss him so damn much, there is NO reason for any of this, it is so cruel, I thought we could live a happy life, thought the hardships were over, it feels like there is someone who has been pushing me all my life, just being cruel enough to take everything away. I spent some time by his body, asking him why this happened, telling him I loved him, that I always will, I kissed and hugged his dead body, he laid in a bed, looking up in the roof, not seeing me, I told him I loved him so much, he did not respond, I cried and cried, my hands against his face. I can not go on living, I am so traumatized and broken, everyone said we were going to last forever. I believe we were meant for each other, we were so alike, I will die knowing that our time was short, I truly believe I am meant to go with him, our short lives are going to end together. Forever together at the place we first met 5 years ago. This was my first post where I explained more on what has happened; Everyone stands alone on the heart of the world, pierced by a ray of sunlight, and suddenly night falls.
Filip posted a topic in Loss of a PartnerHey, I am a 21 soon to be 22 year old male from sweden, I will try to tell you all what has happened, I want to tell people and I think I need help. When I was 17, I was having a lot of emotional issues, felt like I didn't belong, did not have any friends in school, barely went there, was going through an identity crisis of sorts. At this time i registered on another forum for LGBT people. After about a week, I wrote to this person, a 19 year old from a town situated pretty close to mine. We talked for a while, we decided to meet in december of 2012, at his foster parents home. Discovered that we were very much alike, same height, interests, personality. We were both pretty introverted I guess, a little lonely. He was a classical musician, and aspired to be a teacher. He had his own Grand piano in his room, and he played some of his favorite compositions to me, and he tried to teach me some basic melodies. We spent the entire nights watching movies, talking, one of the movies I remember that we watched was a low budget version of "80 days around the world". I joked about that being our anniversary movie. But some things were still complicated, I was not ready to come out, things broke off between us and we didnt meet eachother. But after two years, I had matured and sorted myself out a bit. This was in december 2014 now, i was 19 and he just turned 22. But he had movies far away, he was now studying classical music at a school in the northern parts of sweden. But when we started talking again. We never stopped talking, every day from then on. I made the long train journey there, the school was beautifully situated near a big lake by the mountains. We decided to officially become partners there, one day almost three years ago. He surprised me soon after that, he sent me a picture of an acception letter from another school, that luckily was located where I lived, he wanted to move all the way down here to me. I even got to study at the school to, since I had some missing grades from earlier, we moved together, and for a year we went to the same school, taking the bus together. This was the best time of my life, being with him, I had no friends besides him, but that didnt bother me, i only needed him. People thought we were so alike they mistook us for siblings often, we lost count on how many times it happened. We spent so much time planning for the future, moving away, work, life in general. My boyfriend didnt live with his original parents, they were not suited for it, as they were addicts. But him and his brother were adopted by a very kind and supportive couple who became their parents. We wanted to have our own children too. We were engaged, we didnt surprise each other often, not so many romantic surprised and such. We were happy anyways. I showed him the engagement ring on the bus home from work last year. We got to work at the same place too. Never wanted to leave each other sides. I think i told him every day that i loved him and couldnt be without him by my side, he said the same to me. I finished school entirely on the 2th of june, he was working that day. We were finally free to move away, do what we felt like, start a new chapter in our lives. We had looked forward to this for two years. He told me not to worry about the two years we didnt meet, we were both young, that those two years were going to pale in comparison to our lifes together. We got to live together for just over 2 and a half Years. On sunday, june the 4th we were going to spend the entire day just resting. But at 7am he gets a call that his Co worker was sick, he was tired, i were too. He was going to have employment interviews tomorrow. I stepped in and took his shift, i regret this, now that i know this was our last day together. I came home in the after noon. He came down the stairs when i opened the door and hugged each other. He said that he had cleaned and taken care of a few arrends while i was away. I told him that that wasnt necessary, but he was energetic and happy. i was tired that evening, but it was calm and ordinary, we listened to music and played games, i showed him a song i heard on the radio by the Singer Anastacia, called "sick and tired" and "left outside alone" they were a bit nostalgic. But very ironic titles now when i think back, that it was among the last we listened to. At 12, we turned off the lights, i was more tired than him, having gone up early, usually he was asleep before me, but now now. I remember our last conversation was over me looking at the phone in the dark in bed, and he asked me what i was looking at. It was nothing unusual, i cant even recall the last thing i spoke to him. I had no idea that would be the last time i heard and felt him alive. The next thing i remember was my sister who lived with us then running up the stairs sounding very alarmed, she had heard something. I had not, but became worried quickly, we walked about a bit, but then i saw the bathroom door was locked. I asked him how he was feeling, there was no response, i felt this feeling sink into my gut. I unlocked the door and he laid on his back, pale and unresponsive, i screamed for help and my sister ran to me, i dragged him out and we started CPR. I put my mouth against his to blow air into him, while my sister compressed his chest. When i blew blood poured out, i can still taste it, that iron like sensation, i was covered in blood, i was in panic, the ambulance was on its way but didnt know what house it was, i ran outside in the rain screaming for them to come quicker. This all happened about an hour after i last spoke to him. They ran inside and took us into another room away from him, there were so many of them there, my dad worked at the fire departement and they were there assisting, but he was home sick that day. I was not mentalt present, i sat with a plastic bag asking what had happened, how it was going, but they didnt answer, we spent the entire night in the emergency, his family and mine. After about an hour of trying to bring him back, a doctor came and told him he had passed away. I was in complete disbelief and shock. They had tried everything, stimulating his heart and giving him 16 shots of adrenaline. Nothing had worked. My wonderful boyfriend, my reason to live, my only and best friend was gone in a night without warning. He was healthy, slim, we were both healthy. When I found him he had a wound on his nose and there was some blood in the toilet. I wished he would have said something, given me some sort of sign. Apparently his lungs had been filled with blood, the sounds my sister heard was him gasping for air. I am crying writing this, i couldnt be there for him during that horrible experience, he didnt deserve this, i wish i would have disappeared along with him. I want to meet him again. I dream almost every night about waking up and telling him about this nightmare ive had, but i cant. I am stuck in it, i miss him so much. I have lost my will to live, my boyfriend who i had known for 5 years and intent on being with eachother forever. I am only 21, he was only 24 and my life is over. I dont understand anything, he brought meaning to my life, before i had none. Now i am all alone. I live at my mothers house, constantly feeling absolutely horrible and in disbelief. I try to bargain and think of situations Where i could see him again or rescue him. My mind cant process the fact that he is not here. I remember the person i was with him, a month ago, just thinking about the future, our issues were so uninportant. I sleep all the time, thanks to medicine, but i cant go on without him. I think of ending my life all the time, i miss him so much. I cant go on. I love you Niklas, why did this happen? My smart, ambitious, cute, loving, kind, talented boyfriend. He wrote so much music and text, poems, he loved being creative. He was so innocent, he deserved a full life, not this. I miss him I look at the things he wrote and poems he saved up until his death.. one of the last he saved under a folder "not sorted but great poems" was one by Edgar Allan Poe, I relate to it a bit, I wish i could get him back, he had so much more to do, he was the last person you thought would die before his life even began, no bad habits at all. I cant go on like this, his funeral is this friday. We will play some of his favorite music on it. It feels so wrong, we were supposed to be enjoying summer. Now i sit here all alone, with no friends, no life worth living without him. Excuse my english, it is not my primary language. The poem he had saved was "a dream within a dream" "Take this kiss upon the brow! And, in parting from you now, Thus much let me avow — You are not wrong, who deem That my days have been a dream; Yet if hope has flown away In a night, or in a day, In a vision, or in none, Is it therefore the less gone? All that we see or seem Is but a dream within a dream. I stand amid the roar Of a surf-tormented shore, And I hold within my hand Grains of the golden sand — How few! yet how they creep Through my fingers to the deep, While I weep — while I weep! O God! Can I not grasp Them with a tighter clasp? O God! can I not save One from the pitiless wave? Is all that we see or seem But a dream within a dream?"
On Friday it was a year since my beautiful mam passed away. Friday night I drank, Saturday night I drank, got drunk and last night I went out to my cousins 30th birthday surprise party and got absolutely gee eyed. I was so drunk. Today I am perfect I'm not hung over and plan to do it all again tonight. Once my son is looked after and we talk him trick or treating and he has his bath etc then we'll go out. Anyway, I got a telling off for talking about how I feel. I got told that I don't ask anyone how they are and I do. I always ask. All I want is people to be there for me not to judge me and everybody does. I need to be admitted because I can't deal with this anymore. Apparently I'm selfish. I know I am. No one has any idea how hard this is for me. I'm constantly trying to be there for everyone and then bring told if I break down to get over it. I just want to be with my mam why won't anyone just let me do that.