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  1. Hello All, Talking about this is hard but I figure an online forum may be easier. To give some background my Father recently passed January 30th. We were very close, some people said we were like twins we were so similar. He had a wicked sense of humour and a joy of life. Until he started getting all these health issues: throat cancer (successfully treated 12 years ago), prostrate issues and finally bladder cancer. He was only 66 when he died and I feel so alone. I can't believe I am looking at potentially 30 years without my best friend. The worst thing is he should have lived! He did the chemotherapy like a champ! He went to Toronto to do the surgery. The cure! All seemed to go well they got it all he was given a 90% chance that the cancer would never return. But there was an odd EKG reading prior to the surgery. They passed it off as a problem with the machine and proceeded with the surgery without asking him or me. After the surgery they did more tests and it was afib. They treated it all seemed well and within 5 days he was ready for release. But that night he went into resipiratory failure and was given the diagnosis of septicaemia, pneumonia and septic shock. My mother and I were by his bedside waiting for 15 days for him to wake up and let us hear his voice again. He never did. He had refractory septic shock, he relapsed 3 times. The last time all his organs failed and his intestines were dying. We had to make the call to take him off life support and let him go. Later I found out that afib is a sign of blood infection and since he was on chemo he did not show the normal signs of infection. So basically he was a dead man the second the surgeon started the operation. The doctors ignored an important test that gave a sign that he was not well enough to do the surgery. If they had waited and figured out what was causing the afib they could have fixed the issue did the surgery later and he would still be here. I feel he was stolen from me. I have been diagnosed as having PTSD. I didn't find this out until I had a health scare...no headache migraine scary... and I lost it in ER as the room they put me in looked like my Dads ICU room. I thought I was dying. I don't know what to do or how to make this better . It has been 5 months since he passed and I can't sleep, I can't enjoy life and everything seems so hard. I would love to hear from anyone who has dealt with a similar loss. Thank you you for reading.
  2. It has almost been one year since I lost my brother. I wrote this almost two weeks after he passed and because of the unanswered questions and unresolved emotional issues it has since had a major impact on my relationships lately. Any advice??? I'm most worried about my marriage. I have to find out what to do with these repeated feelings. FYI I have never shared this before with anyone (this is even my first post here or anywhere) and this is just my raw feelings originally written to myself. Aug 2016 My brother died less than two weeks ago. I was in shock through all the arrangements and funeral. I couldn't seem to feel that it was real. I thought maybe picking out the casket would make it real, then it didn't. So then I thought writing the obituary would surely make it real, but it didn't. As if I had to keep myself busy in order to not lose myself right along with him. Then I thought that seeing him would definitely make it real. I went the night before the funeral, up to the funeral home to see him for the first time since the news and to make sure everything was "done to my satisfaction".... My satisfaction??, I thought. Did you revive him? Will he be able to sit up and tell me some crude joke to make me laugh and everything be ok? Of course not!!! So when seeing him didn't make it real either, I thought maybe his funeral and putting him in the ground might make me realize he is really gone. Well the morning came and the grieving family and friends came then they all left and still no reality. I cried that whole week during all of that but it was only when I would look at his pictures and think about the possibility of it being real, that my brother could actually really truly be dead. It was just the thought of it that made me sad though. It wasn't my reality yet. My family all went back home to try and figure out how to deal with it while picking back up with living their normal lives and then all the calls slowly stopped coming in. I was at my house alone, kids off to their first day at school, and my thoughts started to scramble. I was alone with my thoughts and nothing holding them back any longer. My heart started to melt. It felt like my entire soul got up, detached itself and walked away, leaving me sitting there lifeless for a second. It started to hit me!! HARD! My entire body wanted to scream out! Being in my own skin was uncomfortable. You always try to imagine what someone must feel like going through something like that. You imagine if you lose a sibling, what you might feel. Well my previous assumption was absolutely inaccurate! It's nothing like you think. This is an emotional experience I can honestly say I have never experienced anything close to before. No matter what memories pop into my head, I literally have to work my way up the chain of emotions to get to the better feeling ones. Sorrow, sadness, guilt, regret, rage, anger, frustration, until I finally get to peace, laughter and then love. Once I feel the love I have for him it makes me sad all over again! People would talk to me about " yea I lost my grandmother and we were close, I know how you feel". AaAHH!!! Wrong!! I lost my grandmother too! We were super close. She was like a mother to me. Definitely doesn't even compare!! She was an adult and I had been the grandchild. We didn't fight or argue or play tricks on each other for years. We didn't "get away with" things together growing up, we didn't get real with each other about how we felt at times and we definitely weren't together since both of us were infants! We didn't sleep in the next room from each other for 18-20 years and we didn't share parents siblings or the same childhood together. Me and my brother were close! He was 31, a year older than me. We had the same group of friends even. He was just always there! He WAS always there. How do I even deal? I can't even place a label on this type of emotion that I feel. I want to be able to just name it and someone honestly relate and know exactly what I am feeling! It's lonely. It's like trying to describe a color to a man who had been blind his entire life. You just can't do it! Until the person experiences it, they really don't know what you mean and even then people deal with things so differently! I'm afraid the way I feel is going to affect my marriage negatively. I mean my husband is great and so supportive but he doesn't understand what I'm going through and I think he kind of feels I should be getting over it by now, possibly. When really it's only just begun. I don't feel like I should talk about my brother to him how I really want to. I mean it's almost like even if I did, he doesn't know the emotion I'm feeling behind the things I have to say about my brother anyway. This is just hard. I tried to reach out to my family but that makes me feel more like the black sheep. It's like I'm not allowed to talk about him to anyone! Im the only one who handles emotions openly, better than bottling it up and suppressing it in order to feel normal again. My brother used to think of himself as the black sheep of the family. We had that in common, as contradictory as that sounds. I know that if I was going through this when he was here, I would have that conversation I need, that realization that I need, the laugh that I need and that part of my brother that I need right now. I can't help but question all of this. "Am I doing it right" "is it supposed to feel this way" "is this a normal level of grief" "why does it feel so uncomfortable" but most of all "is he really still here with me". All of these questions can't be answered to my satisfaction I don't think. I have been zoning out. I have always been particularly proud of how keen I was with my awareness. That has just gone away. Someone could be talking to me for 20 minutes before I realize that I haven't heard a single word they just said. That makes me only want to be alone. Have you ever had the urge to talk about something that was bothering you but not feel like talking at all, what so ever!!???? It's things like that, that make me so mixed up. It's like I just don't know anymore. I just don't know how to deal! I just had my first encounter with someone we grew up with that didn't know about my brothers death. It was too soon! I couldn't deal. I don't want to see anyone else who might ask me how he's doing. I have the urge and need to escape from this! I want to break free from the grasp it has on me. Then again even that feels wrong. I need an answer but not sure what the right question is. How can I go about determining something like that? What do I do??? ... so here it is over 11 months later and all this time I have felt pushed into bottling it up because I had no where else to place it. The bottle has finally filled up and now it's over flowing into my life and overwhelming me. I knew me and this bottle have never seen eye to eye. I found some letters that my brother wrote me a couple months after it happened. It helped a little because he wrote them about my grandmothers death and really what he had to say about death was extremely helpful. I guess now I'm still trying to face that it's real and irreversible. It's not being able to have that two way conversation with him, that I need so bad, that's making this the hardest!! I'm still not sure anything anyone could say or do would make this stop but I guess the reason for my post is to air out these emotions and possibly see that I am understood. Yes! I think being understood would be a great start!!
  3. I sincerely don't know if anyone is going to read this...I guess I just need to talk to someone who understands, even if it's just the void. I have always been difficult with men. Not the 'spoiled little brat'' kind of difficult, but the 'weird person'' kind of difficult. I struggled a lot when I was a teenager because I realised that I was attracted to older men and everybody around me thought that was abnormal. It took me many years to finally feel ok with myself and after various crushes -more or less insignificant-, I found love at 22. This man was everything I had dreamed of and the more I discovered his personality, the more in awe I was that such person could A) exist, and B) be interested in me. We were together a year and a half, by far the most wonderful time of my life. I was living the kind of happiness that makes anything that had come before it look so very dull. We were soulmates. He was my first everything and I simply couldn't believe my luck. Halfway through, he started having hip pains, then back pains, that got stronger by the week. After three months of trying everything, we found out. Lung cancer that had spread to the bones, brain and lymph nodes. He was hospitalised during the last three months of his life and I was by his side every single day. Call it denial, call it immaturity, I never thought he would die; but neither did he. We spent every day together, strong and determined to win what we considered would be a long and hard battle. But he died, three months ago. I still can't believe he is gone. I still haven't understood what happened. I'm in a state of shock and denial where I still expect him to come back. I have lost all my will to live. I keep wishing my heart would simply stop beating. I'm not religious, so I don't know if we'd be reunited, but at least I wouldn't have to bear the crushing weight of a life without him. I feel like my soul has been chopped in pieces. Everything has become insignificant and even the other sources of happiness of my life -my friends, my work- fail to give meaning to my existence. I don't have the will or the courage to move forward, be active, be productive like anyone at my age should. I'm supposed to have my whole life ahead of me, but I feel desperate and I don't want that life without him. My brain hurts just by trying to process what happened, and when I try to imagine my future, all I see is darkness. I don't know how I'm supposed to move on after the loss of such perfection. How am i supposed to go out with other men when they all mean nothing to me compared to him? I was lucky enough to find happiness very early and unlucky to lose it early too. All I wish is to go to sleep and never wake again. I simply don't see a point in living a life where tragic things happen so easily, were extraordinary people are gone in the blink of an eye and all colour and true beauty is lost. I feel old. I feel like no one understands, because they think that my young age is supposed to make me get back on my feet more easily. But I don't want to. All I want is to be with him and I don't ever want someone else taking his place. Ever since I lost him, I died on the inside, but I simply kept on existing. Nothing matters anymore. I want this to not hurt anymore. I am haunted by the life we would have lived together. A perfect life full of love, or even if it didn't turn out like that, a simple life with the right to a breakup. Millions of couples around me get to be together, spend time and then break up, and they just don't realise how lucky they are for that. We were denied even that. Everything would have been better if I had died too along with him. I have become an empty shell. I miss him so much my heart hurts. I hope it will eventually stop beating,
  4. I've never really had to deal with loss until now, and it's completely true that you have no idea what it's like until you do, and it's horrible. I miss my Dad so much. I've lived with my Dad for about 4 years now. He was 74 and I'm 34. I was back in school and working part-time. It was nice for him because he had some company (he never remarried) and I would help him out with stuff when he needed it. We didn't spend a lot of time together but got used to seeing each other practically daily, and sometimes would watch a show together on T.V. He always kept his bedroom door closed, whether or not he was in the room. The last time I saw him was Friday afternoon, before I headed into work at 3:30. We said our normal goodbyes and I came back around 9:30 and went to my room shortly after having a quick bite, since I had to be up at for work again at 9am. He usually is out of the house before me (he's an early riser) and goes to swim laps at the pool almost every day. It didn't surprise me not to see him. I came back home for a bit between 5:30-7 before I went back out again to see a show with my friends and his door was closed so I figured he was taking a nap or out grabbing a bite to eat, then I came back again maybe around 11pm and his door was still closed, so I figured he was sleeping. The next day, I woke up on the late side, and figured he was out of the house early doing his laps, and maybe getting some food, or going to the school he taught at. It did seem odd that he was away for so long though...I was just about to leave for work to be there at 3:30 and I noticed the top lock was still locked, and that one could only be locked from the inside, so of course then I had the sudden terrible realization that he was inside the whole time, and I knew something was wrong. I opened up his door and was calling for him, and then I saw he was under the covers, and he was cold and blue. I don't even remembered how I managed to call 911, but I was sobbing and trying to remember if I still knew how to do CPR...but I think deep down I knew there was nothing I could do...I felt for his pulse and there was none. The dispatcher kept me on the phone until the police arrived. There are so many things that are upsetting to me about what happened: I can't believe I was in the other rooms in the house not having any idea that he had passed (based on the last times he communicated it was late fri/early sat morning) so that was a day and a half that I didn't know. I still feel awful about it....I also had never seen a dead person before, and I can't believe the first person I ever saw was the person I loved the most. My dad was so special, and I didn't realize how special, and I didn't get a chance to say goodbye. Part of what makes me so sad is all the future memories we'll never have (my graduating PA school, maybe having kids) and when I think to myself that i'll never get to see him again my heart just breaks. I feel so cheated of all this time I thought i'd have with my Dad, and that I didn't get to tell him how much I loved him, and to thank him for how selfless he's been all these years. I still can't believe this is real, my heart won't believe it even though I know it's real it's like I can't accept it, until there are times when it hits me hard, when something reminds me of him. I just feel like there's a part of me missing that i'll never get back, now that he's gone. It's unreal to me that someone is in your life for 34 years, and then poof they are gone just like that, and you have to figure out how to live without having them around. It's the worst thing that's ever happened to me, and I don't know that i'll ever be able to get over it. I'm starting a support group next week, hopefully that will help me to feel not so alone.
  5. Hello everyone, I lost our beautiful mum on the 4th of Oct 2016. It all started suddenly with fever, 103.6 degrees, nausea, diarrhoea after that she did not pass Urine for a day or bowel movement. She was totally fine except type two diabetes and hypotension. We were in India at that time and unfortunately there was a dengue and chucungunya epidemic. We went to family doctor he didn't order bloods and by symptom he told us it sss chucungunya which my aunt recently had.!she had a real bad joint pain also which is a symptom. On the fourth day she started getting worse and had a severe abdominal pain and was short of breath. She did t want to go to the doctor or in emergency. She was so bad that she could not move we finally called the ambulance who took her to hospital. The local doctor ordered tests on day four and everything was OK according to him and he now said it was a viral and the only issue was low platelet count. She had stopped eating and drinking water by day 4 -!; 5. When we reached hospital they said her platelet count was dangerously low 95,000 they ran tests and said her creatinine and potassium were sky high which meant her kidneys had failed they were only working10%. They said this was due to some infection but it'd take time to figure out until then she was put on anibiotics inserted a catheter to mesusrd Urine output and was given meds and food through pipes in her neck. The only was to purify her blood was through dialysis. On second day X ray came and they said she had air leaking out of her Intestine. Even when we reached hospital they did tell us she was really really sick, her kidneys were bad transplant was not an option as she was I poor health. They did emergency surgery to fix air in the intestine and discovered she had a bowel perforation (peritonitis) The surgeon told us her chance of survival with surgery was 10% and without surgery she'd not make it either it was 0%. They removed infected part of large I testing, found 1 litre of pus which they removed and put a temporary STOMA in her tummy. My poor mum was unconscious she didn't know what was going on at all! So we consented. Surgery went fine and st night she was stable but they put her on non invasive ventilator to help her lungs and heart and so she could sleep. In the morning, we were told her blood pressure had dropped to a dangerously low point. They gave her all meds to pump it up but nothing working she was in SEPTIC SHOCK now, around 5 pm it was almost ok she was maintaining around 90 but after that it suddenly Dropped further. They called us from ICU and said the last resort was a blood transfusion and if that didn't elevate her BP she would not make it. They tried this but it had no effect on her blood, eventually after a three day struggle at hospital and a living nightmare she passed away, I could not take the sight of her monitor and her vitals dropping anymore I went out, I told her how much I loved her but I don't think she heard me, I just didn't have the courage to stay with her until her last breath she was on ventilator and her vitals kept dropping until her pulse showed 0.. I let my father and her brother stay as only two people were allowed, it haunts me to think that perhaps she was looking for me and my brother and we were not present when she was counting her last breaths. this was the worst day of my life, I would do anything to bring her back but I think I failed as a daughter whom she always trusted blindly, I told her she would get better but she did not. I should have been more proactive but my mum was very weak, she was also overweight 97kgs that's why it was so hard to take her down from a fifth floor apartment in a shitty lift. Her result for chucungunya done at hospital came back positive. She kept saying she was fine, none of us realised the fatality of the situation p I don't know what killed her, doctor said she must have had diverticulitis or Crohns which got worse but no one had any specific cause. Her cerfticicate said MOD PERFORATION PERITONITIS ANF SEPTIC SHOCK. Do not ignore severe abdominal pain she fell sick on the 26th with fever only, got wide on the 29-30th Sep and passed on the 4th Oct. I will never forgive myself I should not have listened to the family doctor I should have made him order bloods sooner rather than listening to his viral and chucungunya logic, I hope it never happens to anybody's loved one. I missed the chance to give her life, I hate myself I will never forgive myself me and my brother lost the most loving and beautiful mum withi a span of eight days ... I wish.. I didn't say goodbye I didn't tell her I love her I am lost without her life has lost its meaning what Devil attacked her. We celebrated her birthday just a week ago and mine too :(it was too late I am not sure if she would have had better treatment in U.K. Or Usa not sure if the doctors in India treated her properly ..
  6. Hi guys, I'm new to this forum but not to grieving so I hope I'm posting this in the right section. Its been seven years since my Brother and I lost our Mum after a short mental illness that ended in her giving herself alcohol poisoning. It was a very stressful and confusing time, I was 17 and my brother only 15. We (my brother, Dad and I) have all coped in different ways but I, until recently, have felt that we are in it together. My Dad began dating another women three years later. My parents were married for 23 years, so I felt that it was rather fast but I didn't want him to be lonely anymore. The new woman came with two children a couple of years younger than my brother and I. My Father made promises that our home would always be our home and that my Brother and I were always his priority. This year especially feels like my Dad is moving on from my Brother and I, with his new family that doesn't come with any grieving issues or reminders of his dead wife. He bought his new partner a house for them to live in, with rooms for her children but not for us. They have new cars, a hot tub and foreign holidays. He moved my mums cat into the new house only for his partners dog to chase her away. We haven't seen her since. I don't feel that I am welcome in the house. There are no photos of my family, no furniture from our old house either. I feel that 'the new family' are taking advantage of my Dad and his kindness to get what they want. They may not realise it, but all the perks they are getting are all because of the extreme and deverstating lose we have been through. It's not about money. It's about feeling pushed out of the life of the only parent we have left. I don't know how to bring this up without sounding conceited. I've been feeling concerned about it for some time but it's gone too far for me to have any impact now. I feel so sad, so forgotten. My Dad keeps talking about the future, he bought his partner a commitment ring just days before the anniversary of my mums death, but my brother and I are literally the past walking. We can't escape where we came from or replace what we have lost. I just don't know how to cope. I know I can't have the life that should have happened for us, but i don't think we deserve the treatment we are getting now. We've been nothing to accepting, even though it's not what we wanted. I miss having a family and a place to go home to. I feel very alone. I'm only 24. I'm not supposed to know what to do in these situations. Sorry this is so long. Thanks.
  7. I am 35 years old and an only child. My parents have been divorced since I was 5. Back in September 2015 (six months ago), my father lost his battle with colon cancer. We did not know how sick he was, I only got the news that he was terminal about 10 days before his death. His decline was rapid and he suffered terribly. I was there to administer his care, sat with him. He asked me if I would be okay and I told him I would. He chose a moment when I left his hospital room to let go. I have been struggling with his loss ever since, been seeing a therapist. I can't stop thinking about how he was so weak and in so much pain. I'll never forget it. So, that was six months ago. Two days ago, on March 30, I received a late night phone call from my stepfather letting me know my mom had passed away. She collapsed while sweeping the back porch from a ruptured brain aneurysm. She was 64 and perfectly healthy. I have airline tickets booked to go see her in a week. I spoke to her earlier that day and she was fine. I am so beside myself. I started feeling disconnected... laying on the couch, I felt like this was happening to someone else and I was watching. My heart is palpitating. I can't take a deep breath, I can't eat, I can't sleep. I moved up my flight and I'll be attending my mom's funeral on Tuesday. Just six months and one week from my dad's. i guess there's no point to this post... I just feel so alone in this. I need help from people who know..
  8. Hi all. My mum died three years ago on holiday with my Dad. She was on the back of his motorbike. My dad was unscathed when they had a crash, but my Mum died... I still don't know exactly what happened. I took a few months off university but got a job and kept incredibly busy for the past three years. I find myself constantly gripped by anxiety now, and have never regained the confidence I had before Mum died. I feel like life was going so well and then I was cheated - I can't cope with stress at all anymore, so I don't push myself and hesitate to do anything new for fear of being overwhelmed. I feel like a weak, damaged person and I'm so jealous of all the successful, bright young people I see around me - I want them to know I'd be like them too if I hadn't been through what I have. I don't know if I will be this way forever, or if I can get rid of the constant anxiety and fear of imminent catastrophe. I just wanted to start a conversation to see if there is anyone out there who feels this way too. I've never another woman who has lost their Mum suddenly in their teenage years.
  9. Hi Everyone, I suddenly lost my mum just over 5 weeks ago to a brain haemorrhage, and I'm still really struggling to come to terms with what's happened. She was only 56 years old, and I'm 26. I'm still living at the family home with my younger brother and my dad. I was at work the day she collapsed. Everything was fine, it was just a normal day. She had sent me a message on Facebook that lunchtime about a holiday I was planning to book for the end of this year. Just before 5.30 as I was getting ready to leave work, I got a phone call from my brother saying 'Mum's collapsed, you need to come home now'. That's the last thing I ever expected to hear when I picked up the phone. I panicked and asked my colleague to drive me home straight away. Luckily I only live 5 minutes drive away. When we pulled up the ambulance was in the driveway. I ran into the house, and the paramedics were with her in the bathroom (downstairs) where she had collapsed. I went into the living room and helped my brother write down some information for her, date of birth etc, as he was in a panic and couldn't think straight. A few minutes later they pulled her out of the bathroom on a stretcher and put her into the ambulance. I went with her, and I called my dad at work so he could come home and get my brother. They both followed on to the hospital and met me in the family waiting room in A&E. They did a CT scan, and a doctor came in to tell us that unfortunately she had a significant bleed on the brain, and that she probably wouldn't wake up. At that moment I felt like I was in my worst nightmare. I didn't know whether to cry or scream, I just felt numb. This couldn't be real, it had to be some kind of joke. My lovely, funny, vibrant mum, who was absolutely fine one minute, had had a massive brain haemorrhage and wasn't going to make it. My whole world came crashing down around me. The doctors said they would be moving her to a specialist neurological unit at a hospital in Central London, but unfortunately she was too unwell to be transferred. Instead they moved her straight upstairs to the intensive care unit. We spent the first night at the hospital as a family. Me, my dad and my brother all in the poky little relative's lounge with two hard sofas and some thin blankets. None of us managed to sleep for more than 5 minutes. They thought she might go during the night as her blood pressure was very unstable, so we didn't want to leave her. The next morning they said that her blood pressure had stabilised, and that she would be kept on the ventilator while they carried out some tests to determine if there was any brain activity. Over the next two days they did several tests, and they all confirmed that she was completely brain dead. She was an organ donor, so they kept her on the ventilator until we decided the time was right for them to start finding the recipients for her organs. We decided not to keep her hanging on as she was already gone, and there were people desperate for organ transplants and it wasn't fair to keep them waiting. We said our individual goodbyes, then one last goodbye as a family, and went home. They called us once they had found the recipients and the operation had been completed. This didn't take very long, maybe about 12 hours. For the first couple of weeks I was in complete shock, just going through the motions doing what needed to be done, informing people that she had died, registering the death, making funeral arrangements. When I would talk to people about what happened it felt as if I was talking about someone else, not my mum. It took me two weeks before I was able to leave the house on my own without my dad and my brother, and I nearly had a nervous breakdown in my friends kitchen. Slowly it has become easier to cope with day to day tasks, but I still just can't believe she's gone. I keep expecting to go downstairs and see her sitting on the sofa in her fluffy purple dressing gown, or pottering around in the garden. I can still see her face, hear her laugh, feel her warm embrace. Although I know deep down that she has gone, she is still completely alive in my head. She was the one person I could talk to about absolutely everything. I looked forward to coming home every day and seeing her, giving her a cuddle and talking to her about my day. I loved her with all my heart and soul. She was my mummy and I was still her little girl. She was everything to me, the centre of my universe. The funeral was this Wednesday just gone and it was a really lovely service, it couldn't have been more perfect and was exactly what she deserved. She was a truly amazing and beautiful person who was loved my so many people. I am due to go back to work tomorrow and I just don't know how I am going to be able to go back to my normal life when my rock, my best friend, is gone. I'm worried it will suddenly all hit me once the shock wears off, and I will have a complete breakdown. How have all of you coped with adjusting back to normal life after the death of a beloved parent? Will it ever get any easier? Thank you for listening, and if any of you could offer any advice or words of encouragement I would be truly grateful x
  10. My name is Collin, I'm a 22 year old college student, and I am grieving. On September 8th, 2014, my 54 year old father suddenly died in the early afternoon of a massive heart attack. I'm still numb. I've learned so much from it all, and yet, every day more feels so unbearable. 5 weeks later, I lost my 73 year old grandmother after a year long fight with cancer and injury. I miss them both, but it makes me feel almost guilty to say that I barely can feel the death of my grandma, even though we were so incredibly close, because I just lost my dad. I think I'm doing very well overall, and my support system says I'm doing amazingly "under the circumstances" Sometimes I'm afraid that I purposefully block him, and his death out of my mind as much as possible so that it hurts less. Then, I get nervous that I'm avoiding it all. But then again, I'm still in college, and I live a couple hours from home, and if I indulge my agony too much I would fall off the earth. I can't fall off the earth. I don't talk to my friends a lot about it, because they have nothing to say that isn't awkward or annoying, and it's sad because I know they don't mean it that way at all, and I know that they are hurting too for me...it just feels very lonely. I keep it going for him though. I love you so much Daddy
  11. On October 29th I received the worst news of my life. My partner was found unresponsive. I was pregnant with my first child, a baby girl that he was so excited about. I attended the funeral on November 6th and our daughter was born on November the 10th. To say I'm devastated is an understatement. I'm trying to find joy in my baby while grieving at the same time. I don't know if I'm coming or going. To top it off he was found in the home of an ex girlfriend and they are saying the cause of death is a possible overdose!? How am I supposed to digest this when I didn't even know there was a substance abuse issue in the first place. Granted we are awaiting autopsy reports but as you can imagine the circumstances make the death that much worse.... Each day I learn a new secret. Praying for some sort of peace because at this time I don't see any light at the end of this dark tunnel.
  12. My story of losing my soul mate

    First the story of our love: My love and I met over 10 years ago when he hired me to help him run his retail store. I instantly thought he was attractive, but I was in a committed relationship and he was married. He chose me to be his assistant manager when we moved locations and I was allowed to get just a little closer to him. At the end of our run at that location, after the store closed down, I had lost all contact with him. He saw something in me that no one else did, he took a chance on me.. Fast forward 8 1/2 years. I had gotten out of the relationship I was in (it turned out VERY BADLY). I was going to attend our mutual friends commitment ceremony. I got "dressed up" and went to the ceremony. Shortly after I was there, my love walked in. We were both all smiles, and made small talk to try to catch up with each other. I followed him around like a puppy dog the whole night. Our friends had convinced us to swap numbers at the end of the night. That was the start of it, we were inseparable. We had found the other half to our whole. We were working toward our life together. Fast forward a year, a week, and 4 days. My love was on his way back to the office from a delivery and was 2 blocks away from our home. He went to change lanes on our little country highway, was clipped by a truck, which sent him into oncoming traffic. He was hit by another driver doing 60-65 miles an hour. We were told he died instantly. He passed away at 7:02 pm. We were not notified for several hours. The hours inbetween: At around 6:45 I looked at my phone and thought "Hmm hadn't heard from him a bit, I should check in" I messaged him, and facebook messaged him, nothing. I called him, it rang and rang and rang. I could hear the sirens and see the back up from the accident out our bedroom window. It couldn't be him.. around 7:30 I told his mom that there had to be something wrong.. I couldn't get a hold of him. We called the police department for the small town adjacent to us (he was coming from there) to see if we could find out if he was in the accident. They could not release the info to us yet. I called every hospital that I knew of. He wasn't there. I called his work, maybe he was at the shop and he wasn't paying attention to his phone. "He left here at 6:45 and hasnt returned", it was nearly 8 pm. Called a police station, thinking maybe, hopefully he had gotten pulled over and he was ok. He wasn't there either. Panic seriously set in. 10:30 pm, I look out our bedroom window and see two state troopers pulling up our street, shining flashlights at the mail boxes. I knew it was him... I hoped for a split second that he was in the car. When the pulled up to the house the state trooper asked if we knew him.. And that is when she told us that he was in a accident and he did not make it.. Since then my life has been upside down. His mother and I planned the funeral and laid him to rest on the 19th of November. He was only 40. We had so many more years that we should have spent together.
  13. my mom has been gone for 7 months and 16 days she died very suddenly on her bathroom floor I miss her so much there are days that I don't even feel like living anymore she was my best friend. Im not ok without her. When does it get easier? she died 5 days before her 54th birthday.
  14. Hello Everyone, I have never posted on a forum before but I feel that a strangers' point of view might help me most. It has been exactly one month today since my Mom died. She was only 47 years old and I myself am only 21. My mom passed away from a lung disease called Acute respiratory distress syndrome. She passed away about 4 weeks after her diagnosis. It was all very sudden and extremely traumatic. I have never lived without my mom and although it has already been a month, I still have to remind myself daily of her passing. It truly has not hit me yet and I am curious if this has happened to anyone else? I was inconsolable the day she passed but I feel like I should be more sad on a daily basis (if that makes sense). I think that the fact that my brain has not grasped that she is gone is affecting my ability to grieve. The only emotion i have been feeling is guilt. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for so many different reasons. I feel guilt that this happened to her when she was so young and extremely healthy. I feel guilt that she spent her life serving her community as a police officer and that she did not deserve this. I feel guilt that i did not treat her as well as I should have. I feel guilt because I would absolutely love to believe that there is some sort of after-life and that she is reunited with her loved ones but i do not totally feel that way. I feel guilt that I never got to tell her how much I love her and how much she means to me. The list of reasons that I feel guilt is endless and it does not feel normal to feel so guilty. Why do I feel guilt more than sadness? Why has this not hit me yet?
  15. Hi, my name is Dan I'm 24 and my mum has died. Although the details of exactly what happened are vague because I don't want to cause my older sister (who lived with her and found her) any more grief but ultimately my mum suffered a major head injury and was a tragic accident. She was taken to A&E near to where they lived and was transferred immediately to St Georges in Tooting where she was taken to their neuro ICU, this was the early hours of Saturday morning on 25 January 2014, she died 10 days later. At the time of the accident, my sister called me to let me know the situation and because of my profession (medical insurance) when she said she was being transferred to St Georges neuro ICU I knew then just how serious this was. I was drinking heavily with friends at the time but left straight away and jumped in the taxi and just managed to get to Frimley Park A&E before she got transferred - she saw me, and said "Dan" I said "mum" and that was it, the last time I spoke to her - she never regained consciousness although there were moments during the 10 days that followed where she did open her eyes again briefly and moved her right side now and again. The reason I mention this specific part is because in a way I'm happy she saw me and she knew I was there for her but on the other hand I'm heartbroken I didn't get the chance to say goodbye or even tell her how much I loved although I know she knew I did. When I was 13 my nan, my mums mum, died. The three of us were very close but for my mum she was everything, we used to spend every weekend with her until she died because her and my dad had a very bad relationship and I guess it was her way of escape, every Friday after I finished school we would head up there. When my nan passed my mum was never the same, she had lost her most important person and turned to drink. She was an alcoholic in the years that followed which when I was young I hated her for. She was diagnosed with liver cirrhosis in 2010 but this didn’t stop the drinking but now I was older I loved her so much I just wanted to make her happy and I tried because I knew time with my mum may well be precious. We'd go out for meals when I could afford to and I would always do as she asked of me, gardening, hovering ect, we spend a lot of time together and I'm proud to have her as a friend. I was a good son I hope and in light of her premature death that is my greatest achievement and my only respite. However to counter this I feel incredibly guilty because I only moved out 6 months ago and feel that I should of never left and I would of been there for her. My mum was simply the best person I will ever know and she loved me unconditionally every single day despite some very bad behaviour on my part and I cannot believe I have to go on the rest of my life without her. She was the most caring, loving person with such class and dignity despite all that life threw at her. I'm so lucky to of had her as my mum - all beit for too shorter time. I've lost all my desire to do anything, to work, to study which I did for myself of course but also to make my mum proud and now she's gone I just don't see the point. I always promised her I would take care of her which to me meant earning enough money to be able to do that - more meals out, maybe a few holidays, to create some happy days for her. I'm so sad that I won't be able to that. Up until my nan died my mum was the envy of many people; successful business women, beautiful, smart, confident, funny and the fact she went out the way she did causes unbearable pain because she deserved better. I find myself feeling very angry towards my immediate family, my sister, my dad and my auntie all of whom a feel should of made more effort and have not spoken to them since she passed. I'm not sure what I'm looking for from this but even to have written this post has made me feel a little better. It would be nice to here from people that may be in similar situations I guess. I'm too young to give up on life and pray it does not break me the same way it did my mum when her mum died. Ann 'Noreen' Johnson 1957-2014 RIP mum
  16. Sudden Death of Big Brother

    I lost my older brother in January this year. He was at work on his morning break and he choked. He stood up for help but the piece of candy he was eating had become so lodged that the Heimlich could not get it free. He went into having a seizure and he died before the ambulance could make it back to the hospital. My brother grew up troubled, suffering from a mental illness that wasn't diagnosed until he was in his 20s. He was a bipolar, schizophrenic that spent alot of time by himself. He functioned very well, he went to work everyday and was able to manage a household by himself. He was laid off 4 years ago and he moved back in with my parents. My dad and brother have never been close, my dad was in the military so they didn't get much time together. My dad retired a year ago so my brother and him had been getting to spend alot of time together, going to dinner, going to shows, and just generally enjoying each other's company and planning on what to do over the summer. His death is still a shock everyday. I still expect to see him walking up to the house with a Dollar General bag (it was his favorite store) and he'd stop everyday for a soda. I can't help to feel so terrible when I think about how scared he must of been when he started choking, how he needed help and though lots of wonderful people tried to save him, they just couldn't. My brother was only 34. I don't think you've ever experienced heartbreak until you have to see your parents burying their own child. I see the emptiness and the sadness in their eyes and it breaks my heart. When I close my eyes, I still picture him laying on the gurney at the hospital, he was so blue, and had so many bruises and bloody knuckles. He put up a such a fight but he just didn't win. I can't seem to get this out of my head. I know my brother is in a much better place and I'm glad I was able to see the day he was baptized. He tried so hard and he struggled so much with all the medications he had to take but it felt like he was finally coming into his own and was really able to enjoy his life. I never got to say goodbye, I never got to tell him that I loved him one last time. He was my "Joshy Posh".
  17. My mom passed away very suddenly last Monday, August 19th, 2013. I have two sisters, we are very close. I don't even know where to start. I feel like we are being swallowed by guilt when it comes to my mom. She was only 51 one years old and in terrible health. She didn't take care of herself and we knew it would only be a matter of time before she passed away. She smoked....multiple times she promised that she had quit, but she didn't. We all had a very strained relationship with her. She was on so much medication that our fear, after hearing from the drs, was that she was just going to fall asleep and not wake up because the medication was causing her lung function to nearly cease! We have been in and out of the hospital with her for years. And she just never took care of herself. She lived alone....so I understand it was hard for her to be motivated......but this was over the course of 10+ years that we tried. But now that she's gone, we have so much guilt. Why didn't we spend more time with her? Why didn't we go over to her apartment and just sit with her? We spoke to her nearly everyday but why didn't we take the time? My husband says that it's because everytime I would spend time with her, I would become really depressed afterward because of her state and lack of will to live. But why....why didn't I just spend time with her? I know she wanted that. I know my sisters are struggling with the same thing. We love her, we love her so much. And we know that she loved us the best that she could. She encouraged us and was always so proud of us. She was at all of our sporting events in highschool and every prom every dance. I don't know how to deal with the guilt of feeling like we just weren't with her enough....we didn't take the time.
  18. I recently lost my mother and she was only in her early 50's and I'm only 20. It's been very tough for the whole family because my mom was involved in a single vehicle car accident when she lost control of her van and struck a tree, suffered fatal injuries and was pronounced dead at the scene. We were supposed to go on a vacation the next day and my family did not find out about my mothers death until 7 hours after it happened because police had trouble contacting my family. Our family is very close and always has been, I feel like a huge piece of me was just ripped out of my heart for no apparent reason. My mom was full of life and was always happy and positive. I'll always miss her and its been hard continuing without her. I talked with her everyday and she always did anything she could for me. I just didn't know where else to turn so i thought I would try this forum. Thanks for reading
  19. It's been 3 and a half months since I lost my mother to a sudden heart attack on our living room couch. She was almost 71, I was 31 at the time (32 now). It has gotten a bit easier, I can actually sleep alone in the apartment and be here alone, we lived together. I can enjoy silence again, which I missed. I started working again, thankfully I work from home but I took 2 months off to grieve. I've gotten out and got a better control on my anxiety then I did prior to her death. But with the holidays coming up, I'm scared. I hear Christmas music and mute the TV, people talk about Christmas and I zone out. I find myself missing her more and more the further into November we get. Since she died, I've had one of her favourite songs stuck on repeat in my head, yesterday morning as I was making coffee the song went off again and there I was crying making coffee. I told her to quit it and send me some happy music, cause I can't take hearing this song anymore. While it's gotten easier, it still hurts so damn much. Sometimes I just want my mom.
  20. Hi Everyone, I lost my Dad very suddenly and so very unexpectedly about 2 months ago. I had just moved to The Netherlands (3 weeks) and woke up one night to the police having to tell me that my Dad has passed away. To say it was a shock is an understatement. He was perfectly healthy, ate well, went to the gym, but died of a cardiac arrest at the age of 54. I never in my life thought I would loose my Dad when I was only 23 years old. I alway imagined him walking me down the isle or getting to see his grandchildren. I flew home a few hours after I found out, and was happy to be with my family, find out more information and get to say goodbye. Seeing him was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, but do not regret it at all. I got to give him a kiss and say goodbye. It made it more real for me. Saying a goodbye or as we always called it a "see you later" at the airport when I left and then never getting to see my Dad again is one of the hardest thing's I'm dealing with right now. The fact that I wasn't there. He passed so suddenly that the doctor's think he may not have even known, his heart just stopped beating. 2 months is not a long time, and I still feel the shock sometimes of knowing he is gone. Does it ever get easier? (had a good cry while writing that)
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