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Found 17 results

  1. My boyfriend suddenly passed on Dec. 23. He was 35 years old. We had been making love when he stopped suddenly to take a break because he was feeling he said "light headed." I asked if he wanted some water, he nodded yes, so I went to get him water and when I came back his face was red and he wasn't able to look at me, he was concentrated on a point on the wall and he wouldn't look at me, then he fell hard on his side and I ran for help. We called 9-1-1 and they arrived in under 5 min, during which time my father and I were doing our best to perform CPR (though it had been almost 5 years since I trained in CPR). The paramedics arrived, but honestly when we had been with him it had already seemed like he had passed. I can hardly breathe the grief is so palpable. I am rattled with guilt day in and day out - If I'd done a better job of CPR, if I'd called 9-1-1 the second he said he felt light headed, if, if, if... He was a healthy active 35 year old. He had been a smoker earlier in his life, and still used an E-cigarette, but other than that he was relatively a healthy normal guy. We had made love often so it's not like this was a new experience for us, or that his heart couldn't handle this sort of thing. He was also a runner and went to the gym regularly. I am just riddled with grief over the whole thing, I wake up panicked in the middle of the night that I could still do something or fix something or change something, and then the grief washes over me like a huge wave and I'm back to sadness and utter despair. We had only been dating for 5 months, but we knew. I always heard that when you meet the right one, you'll know. We knew. We said I love you only 2 months in. We went on a huge 2 week trip to Europe (so glad we did) 3 months into our relationship. He was home with me in Texas visiting my family for Christmas when this happened, so the guilt I feel over him being there and not in our home state (California) - and his family didn't know me very well so I'm just devastated. We all are. Why did this happen? People survive cardiac arrest and heart attacks all the time - why didn't he? Why wasn't there any time or sign or symptom that this was happening? Everything I've read about heart attacks says that people usually have a few moments where they know it's happening; it seems he bypassed the heart attack and went straight into cardiac arrest with no time to allow for help or rescue. I wake up nightly at 4am and I'm just lost. I journal, I try to watch TV, I walk around my apartment, but nothing settles this unsettling feeling that I miss my love so much I can't breathe, and while I know it's not true and irrational to keep blaming myself, I can't help but feel guilty over him no longer being with us.
  2. The love of my life died.

    It’s been two weeks since I got the call that my boyfriend died. It’s been two weeks that my world stopped. Our relationship wasn’t perfect, but this was man I was going to marry in a few years. I’m 21 and he’s 22. We had a 5 year plan, we wanted to go to grad school and then settle down to have babies. Now that can never happen. To make things worse, I found out that he had been seeing another woman and was with her the night of his death. They had only been seeing each other for three weeks, and they never had any sexual relations, but he betrayed me. *to give a little more background info, we had broken up around the time he started seeing her, but decided that we wanted to work things out, he just needed some space to be able to go out with his friends. We mutually agreed that seeing other people would not be included in that. We were still in a relationship, we just needed air to breathe but we knew we were still going to be together regardless, and that we were together.* I’m angry because what he did, but I can’t be mad at him. He’s the only one I want to comfort me right now. He’ll never be able to do that. I know the grieving process is not going to be easy, but I’m not sure how to go about grieving the loss of my boyfriend and forgiving him when he’s not here to talk things over with. I’m just conflicted, angry, and depressed. I just don’t understand why. I don’t know why he had to die and I don’t understand why he would do that to me.
  3. My father had just turned 50 a month before he died. He was a dedicated athlete and monitored his diet closely. He got frequent checkups at the doctor and never heard anything of concern. The morning he died, I woke up to the sound of him having a heart attack in the bathroom. I won't go too heavily into the details, but my mother and I tried to save him and there was just never any chance. He was dead the second we found him, I just didn't understand. It was a truly horrific event that will probably haunt me the rest of my life. I'm in college and my friends here are not very supportive. None of them have experienced what I have, so I try to be patient and hopeful that their insensitivity comes from a place of pure misunderstanding. I'm so angry, however. I am so so so so so angry. Everyone around me makes me feel like I am sad for no reason. If I try to mention my dad or my grief, I am quickly shut down by uncomfortable faces and lackluster "Yeah, that really sucks. I'm sorry" before the subject gets changed. I just want to grab all my "friends" by the shoulders and scream that someday something like this will happen to them and that behaving like it hasn't just happened to me isn't going to stop that. Sometimes I get so far into my box of putting my head down so I can get everything done for the day as well as keeping my place in my friend group (I'm scared I'll be completely alienated if I keep pushing it or act too upset, which I know is bull*****) that I start to forget why I'm so sad, just that I am constantly sad. I'm not sure what I'm hoping will happen by me posting here, just wanted to maybe talk to some people who have experienced what I have. Thanks
  4. It's been 8 months since my dad suddenly passed away. He had hip surgery and DVT Pulmonary Embolism is what took his life. He was only 63... My parents were divorced when I was 8, and my father took care of my brother and I our entire lives. It was all because of him. I tried so hard to keep working after he passed away in August 2016. I took a week off and went back full time. I only lasted until the beginning of December, thats when I snapped and immediately quit. I took less than 3 months off, I had just started a new job a few weeks ago. Now my god mothers mother passed away (been family friends since before I was born) and her viewing was on my birthday. I was already upset because it's my first birthday without my dad who I spent it with every year the past 22 years, and now I have to go to viewing. It caused me to have a mental breakdown and I quit again. I can't seem to hold a job now, I'm not mentally stable. My husband keeps telling me its okay and that I need time... and he is very supportive of me. But I can't help but feel like such a piece of **** or a disappointment to everyone. I have always worked since I was 14. I always worked and went to school and now I can't seem to hold on to a job without making a fool of myself and leaving. My last job I just no called no showed. I have never had this behavior in my life. I can't help but to feel so helpless. I don't know what I'm even trying to ask. All I know is I'm not happy and I feel like I'm making it so hard are everyone especially my husband. I'm just so sad though, I cry out to him daily. I just don't know what I'm doing anymore. Can you guys share what happened after your parent passed?
  5. I finally cancelled your cell phone contract after five weeks. I called your number everyday for the first two weeks straight, still hoping that one day you would answer, and I would be awoken from this nightmare. Once again today, like so many other days, when going to make a call from my contact list there's your face. The picture I took of you the day we went to get you a cell phone. I asked you to smile for me, and instead you made this face lol. I'm sure I will continue to try calling you, who knows, maybe one day you will pick up.
  6. lost without him

    In May of 2015 I lost the love of my life, my partner of 24 years. We'd spent our entire adult lives together and then one morning he sat on the edge of the bed, slumped forward, and was dead. Sudden cardiac death at 44. I know nothing can prepare you for the loss of a partner but damn I was totally shocked. In the days immediately after I entertained thoughts of suicide nut could only think how my death would hurt him. I'm tired of hearing things will get better with time. The pain doesn't lessen, it's not as constant but the enormity of the loss doesn't go away--I never expected to be 42 and alone. It's been more than a year and still at some point everyday something reminds me of him and I break into tears. The successes I have had in the past year just feel hollow, as I feel hollow. My therapist thinks it's time I move on and consider dating and it just infuriates me, like society allows a year for mourning and beyond that is socially unacceptable and uncomfortable for those around you. I am in no condition to consider the idea right now, yet I am lonely beyond words. We also weren't married and I agree that somehow to others it lessens the depth of your loss, like those 24 years would have meant more, been more legitimate somehow. Friends and family keep telling me they dream of him or they feel his presence and for me there is just a void, an emptiness that is no longer filled by him. I really don't know where to turn anymore, i'm just so empty. I'm not sure what I am looking for here, I guess maybe a recognition of some kind, a way to climb out of this sorrow.
  7. I don't really know how to start this but here goes, on the 5th of May this year after not hearing off my father that day and he didn't respond to any calls or texts, me (24) and my brother (19) went to check on him around 7pm, when we arrived we found my dad had passed away (56). I tried everything in my power to ressusatate him but I knew it was too late but continued until the paramedics arrived. when the paramedics arrived minutes after, they made no attempt of resuscitation and made contact with the police. It took from 7pm to 1:40am for my dad to be taken by private ambulance to the coroners office. Which was so difficult as the layout of my dads home meant we could see him the entire duration, which was really distressing. My dad was with the coroners for 3 weeks before they finally released him to the funeral home so we could visit him in the chapel of rest. When we went to visit him I was apprehensive as I've always opted not to visit family in the chapel of rest (I've never been sure why) but this time I knew I needed to. When we arrived we were warned due to how long it has been we had to expect some changes. When we entered it didn't look like my dad, there was similarities but he looked so different, it really shocked me. I fell to the floor in tears. Me, my brother and my sister arranged his funeral and it was beautiful. It really was so fitting for a wonderful man. We still have no answers as to why my dad is no longer with us and its really difficult at the moment. I've taken a 6 month interruption of university, I was 12 weeks away from qualifying as a nurse but I have lost absolutely all confidence in that career, as the first time I've had to put my CPR skills was on my dad and I failed. The paramedics said there was nothing that could have worked as they believed he passed away during the previous night. But I still feel so guilty. ive barley been able to sleep, I keep getting flashbacks of the event and when I do get some sleep it's usually nightmares. I've trying to hold it together around everyone else as I've been there to support them but when I find night creeping in, and everyone is asleep I fall apart. The only thing bringing some light at the moment is my son. I feel like a passenger in my own life right now, I have no goals, no productivity and no answers. I just feel so so alone. Sorry for the long post.
  8. hi guys, Almost three months ago I lost my Dad to a sudden heart attack. we had no idea he was sick and he showed no symptoms of heart disease. It was so out of the blue it still feels unreal. Remembering back to the night where I had to call the ambulance and seeing my mum screaming over his body, and having to call my sister and tell her he's dead still gives me panic attacks and nightmares. It's just me and my mum in our house now since my sisters are either at uni or married. Every time i think about the night it happened I cry because there was so much blood where he fell and hit his head when he had the heart failure. there is still a crack in the tile where he hit it and it has dried blood in it that we cant get out. it feels really wrong to keep living here where he died. i hate it. i dont know if it will ever get better because i was his baby girl and i miss him too much. im not sure if i can grow up and become an adult without having my daddy there to help me. i was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder last year and my dad helped me through it all and said he was so proud of me when i overcome it. i dont think i can live without him
  9. Hello to all, I am April Mae Jimenez and I am a student journalist for Mt. San Antonio College in Walnut, Calif. and a writer for Substance. Our college has partnered with Medium.com and we are the first to partner with them. I am currently writing an article about people losing their love ones, and mainly focusing on individuals not being able to say any last words to their love ones. I was inspired to do a story about this matter because I lost my mother last year due to a sudden heart attack. I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to her. She was only 50 years old. I had 20 years with her. I wanted to know if I could interview anyone who wants to talk about the matter. To share their stories and to share what they would have said to their loved ones if they have an opportunity to. I know it's a very personal thing, but it would it be a great opportunity if anyone would like share their story and it would be a great addition to my story. I am free to contact through ajimenez90@student.mtsac.edu Thanks for you all for your time, April Mae Jimenez
  10. Hey everyone, I'm new to the board and I am so glad that this message board has been made available for us. Last month my mother passed away suddenly due to a heart attack. Her death came as a complete surprise to me and my family. I'm still in a stage of disbelief with deep sadness. My mother is the first person that I had/have a close relationship with that passed. I'm having an up and down time dealing with it. One day I'm okay then the next I can't stop crying and thinking of her. I'm trying to readjust to being back at work, in my home and continuing on with my life. Any help and advice would be helpful. I would love to connect with other members and just chat. I feel so alone with and without people around. Thanks
  11. My Mom passed away in her sleep on either Feb 3rd or the wee hours of Feb 4th. She was found by my Aunt in Texas with whom she was visiting, at 9:30am on Tuesday the 4th...she died from dilated cardiomyopathy (heart just stopped) and I am told she looked very peaceful. She was 68 years old and we had no idea she was sick with anything so it was out of nowhere. My Mom was my best friend and I have been lost for the past 12 weeks. My younger sister and brother seem to be handling things well...but I am a mess. I don't understand how they are coping so well when I cry everyday and just miss her with every fiber of my soul. To make things worse, my Mom was one of 13 children and had been in Texas and California (rather than NY) caring for two of her brothers who were dying of cancer. My Uncle Phil died Oct 2nd, Mom Feb 4th and my Uncle Don just died March 30th. My one remaining Uncle, Shane, is the baby and at 54 his body is being overcome with melanoma. I have 2 remaining Aunts, the eldest (who somehow has stayed strong losing almost all of her siblings) is Janet who helped raise me and will be 76 next week and Mary who just turned 70. In any case, the autopsy showed my Mom had no cancer anywhere (she is the only one of the siblings not to have it at some point, except my Aunt Kim who died at 47 when her heart stopped) and she was a smoker so that was shocking. I was actually hoping they'd find cancer so I could be glad she was at least spared that horror....but nope, it was her heart and if she had been one to actually go to the doctor, perhaps we could have had more time. My 14.5yr old daughter (1st grandchild) was very close to my Mom and we traveled to Austin together to get things in order. I wanted to (and did) sleep in the bed my Mom died in, pack up her things and just be where she last was. In doing so, I found a Thank You card she had just written and made out to me but obviously didn't have time to mail. She had been staying with me in NY (originally to cat-sit while we went on a cruise at the end of Oct, but we talked her into staying through the holidays) and left on Jan 16th...our last exchange was me telling her not to go...I had such a STRONG feeling I was never going to see her again. My daughter felt the same and cried for her not to leave...but she did. In any case, the card was a letter telling me how much she loved me and it was such a gift. I know I am rambling but there is just so much I need to get out. I've been having such a difficult time....Had a hard day yesterday missing my Mom so bad I felt like I could split wide open. Kept hearing "All of Me" by John Legend on the radio, once on the way to work, twice on the way to counseling and I left the radio off going home! And of course once this morning on the way in, just for good measure. Crying in the car usually helps but last night I couldn't sleep and poor Jo got the brunt of my grief. Ugly crying, sobbing and just pain. Read the texts Mom sent me right before she died and having so many regrets that I logically know I need to let go of, but my heart just can't. If one more person (looking at you Ms. Grief Counselor) tells me that my Mom wouldn't want me feeling like this, or it won't be this bad forever, etc. I am going to lose my mind. Maybe my whole body won't ache with grief so strongly in time, maybe I won't cry out of nowhere in time, maybe I won't just want to lay in bed all day in time....but in time I am going to forget what my Mom smelled like. In time I am not going to remember the texture of her hair, the exact color brown of her eyes, or the timbre of her voice. In time I am going to forget. And apparently that is what makes it better. Please call, visit and love your mother if she is alive and you just read this. Please tell her you love her even if your relationship isn't perfect. Hug her. For me ok? Maybe my Mom will feel it through yours... Like · · Share
  12. My Dad, 47, was killed by a careless driver in May 2013. He had over 30 years of experience when it comes to riding motorcycles, so I truly believe that if there was any way possible he could have survived that fatal collision, he would have. He was killed instantly when a car pulled out of a junction and didn't see him coming past. It was a beautiful Sunday morning, the weather was perfect. Sundays are unbearable to me now. I respected my Dad so much, everything he did made me respect him and want to be more like him. He was everything a girl could possibly want in a father. I wasn't a typical 'daddy's girl', we had a very different bond to that of the usual father-daughter relationship. We didn't cuddle or tell each other we loved one another, probably since I was about 11/12 years old. We argued and debated, that was our thing. Even when I moved away to university I'd go home to have a good argument, because no-one else argued like we did. He taught me to have thick skin and not be hurt by what people say. Sounds strange. He was the first person I called when I was in trouble or stuck somehow, he'd always have a way to fix things. He wasn't one for giving advice, more like letting us make our mistakes and then explaining after how we could have done it better. My Dad was always made me laugh, even when the jokes were terrible. When I was a teenager we drifted apart but over the last two or three years we'd started to get closer and our relationship was better than ever. He taught me to empathize rather than sympathize, and not to judge people, especially if you don't know their circumstances. He was my reference point for everything, he provided me with the feeling of something stable and constant throughout my life. So when he was killed, I completely went into shock. I still can't believe its happened and I'm rarely able to express my emotions to my family. I feel unable to cry for my Dad and when I do it feels forced. It makes me more unhappy that I can't grieve for my Dad in a way that he deserves. I just feel like I have a total block on being able to be sad. When I do feel upset I feel bad about it because there are so many people in the world who are worse off. I have awful nightmares that I'm crying uncontrollably, but when I wake up the tears aren't real and I just feel very empty. I'm 20 now, and in my second year of university. I feel like I have no guidance, after the breakdown of my relationship with my mother (see other posts) and that I'm stuck at a point in my life with no idea what to do next.
  13. I am currently collecting data to complete a dissertation study of bereaved parents. The purpose of this study is to expand on existing knowledge and potentially reduce the isolation experienced by the bereaved. Selected participants will include biological and adoptive parents, who have experienced the sudden death of a child, and whose child was between the ages of 2 and 12 at the time of death. The child’s death must have occurred prior to February 20, 2012 and parents must reside in the Continental United States. Each participant, after consenting to engage in this study, will be interviewed via telephone, by the researcher Thomas Fulbrook. For information, please contact Thomas Fulbrook at childlossstudy@gmail.com. I would also add that I have experienced the death of a child and understand the hesitation to participate in research. Please know that you will be treated with the utmost respect and your information will be held in the strictest of confidence. 03/23/2014 Just an update that this is still an active study and there is a small compensation for the participants time. Interviewees may select their choice of a $20.00 Walmart, Target, or Amazon gift card. Tom Fulbrook childlossstudy@gmail.com
  14. Sudden Death of My Loved One

    I recently lost my boyfriend on January 1. He passed away unexpectedly and I struggle with not having had the chance to say goodbye among other regrets and so forth. It's all so very new to me and I'm struggling with so many unanswered questions and have no idea how to even begin to start sorting through my emotions or what to even do with myself. I'm only 19 years old and I never thought I would see myself going through something like this and I hope to find some form of hope for the future by seeing those who are going through this and have tips to offer me.
  15. 2+ Years

    I am new to this forum, and never really thought about joining an online forum until my therapist recommended it. It has been more than two years since my fiancé and soul mate died in a car accident along with another friend of mine. While I have seen some progress in myself in terms of living life, I am still incredibly grief stricken. I feel very isolated still, as if the world just moving on and I am just watching it. It is so hard to find joy in things. I am hoping that the forum will let me know that there are others out there who have a similar experience—who experienced a sudden loss of a partner who was young. And, if two years later, they still feel the way I do. I would appreciate it if anyone could just empathize with such a loss.
  16. My fiance was 33 when he passed away unexpectedly in his sleep and it is his 34th birthday this Sunday. I am dreading it but doing my best to cope with all of these new firsts. We were together for 9 and a half years (engaged for the last 4 of those). Unfortunately time ran out for us, we had finally set a date for September to get married in Sri Lanka. Our problem was trying to get at least our immediate family in one place as they are spread out all over the globe. We have been living abroad in various countries over the past 7 years, Vietnam was only meant to be one stop on the way - but it was the final one for my fiercely funny, witty, kind, sardonic fiance. This has been a huge shock to everyone. Just the night before, we were out having a good time with friends. He was in good spirits and things were looking great - after living in Vietnam for 4 years we were making plans to moving onto the next adventure and the next place. The next morning, he was dead in bed. It's just inexplicable and random and I am hating it when people say that everything happens for a reason . There is absolutely no comfort in that platitude. We had a hell of a time getting him out of Vietnam and back home. However, I am so lucky to have such a wonderful and tight knit group of family and friends. While it was hectic, difficult, traumatic - we all drew strength from each other. I guess you have to count your blessings when you are in a situation like this - I work at a university and was able to take a semester off ( no questions asked). We had lovely memorials in both countries (Vietnam and home) and friends all over the world are grieving and have sent lovely messages and tributes. The support and love has been amazing. I am now back in Vietnam, I have my friends checking up on me. I've gone off for a week's retreat to an Ashram with a focus on meditation and yoga. I've moved out of our apartment we shared and have found a new one that I will be moving into shortly. I go out and can still laugh and feel pleasure at being alive. Underneath it all though, there is a permanent underlying sadness that my soul mate, my partner in crime, the one person who truly knew me is no longer in the world. It is unbelievable. I feel he is still around somehow though, he was always good at making things happen. To make things go smoothly. While I have friends who are good listeners and very tactful and comforting, none of them have gone through what I'm going through now. While they can try to empathize, it isn't the same as talking to someone who is going through this grief journey. My friends are starting their own young families too and I do look at them enviously. Luke's death has shaken them up, and they say they feel differently about life and aren't taking anything for granted. I'm glad for that gift. I wish we had children, we thought we had all the time in the world. Just so sad. I thought I would post on this forum, just to meet a few people who are going through their own grief journeys. Reading your stories strikes a cord within me and I am experiencing alot of what many of you have written. Anyhow, we are going to throw a birthday party at his local and favorite pub here on Sunday - so that should be nice even though it is sad that he won't be here to enjoy it. Take care of yourselves everyone, looking forward to meeting some of you here. Shanti
  17. new to loss and need to talk

    We spent 5 years on and off. First in college, he proposed to me. He planned to surf up to the alter. He drove 30 hours straight to see me when we rekindled 4 months ago. This time, he said, I won't let you go. This time is forever. An eerie text he wrote a few weeks ago: "if something actually happens like the end of the world. Will I see you once before that? And if it does happen, I want you next to me. It's the only way I'd wanna go out." Of course I don't believe in prophecies, and he did not either. I responded that I'd want to be next to him too, which happens to be a curse that will haunt me forever. The past 4 months we moved fast and I applied for jobs, packed my belongings, and planned on moving across the country to be with him. I walked fast, doubled up on graduate classes, and researched the weather out there. Every breath I took was toward our future. He felt the same and waited in pain. He said being without me was a dark dungeon with a steady water drip in the background. So I hurried along. I rode the train with him two Thursdays ago. My head rested on his shoulder as he blared music on his headphones. I'm so happy he stood up at my stop. It meant the world to me he gave me a huge hug and a big kiss. If only I could go back to that moment and never let go. I thought about looking back to wave but wondered coolly if he'd watch me walk away. I should have looked back. Two weeks ago I was supposed to go out with him and his friends. He wanted to introduce me to some. I won tickets to a concert and he knew how badly I wanted to go and told me six times to choose the concert. But he told me he was upset and surprised. The night he lost his life in an automobile accident. Now I feel eternal punishment for not putting him first. I'm so sorry. But I know it's not entirely my fault. An infinite series of events led to the accident. But people get into accidents all the time and break bones. Why, this time, did it cost a life? Why his life? We had plans! He told me I'd never be alone and I've never felt so dreadfully lonely. Laughter bleeds. People try to distract me, but I don't want to be distracted. All I'm left with is a notebook, memories that will gradually shift, pictures, words, haunted dreams, floods of tears, regret, remorse, despair. How could it be the first time we rode bikes together was our last? Oh I should have been next to him like I promised. For now I cry, they nod and say they understand, but they don't. I feign smiles; my laugh is forced. He began to carry me away but not far enough and now I walk circles in the wrong direction. An ache so deep, trapped inside, no sun shines, nothing grows. A future shattered. An uncertain past. Immense regret. A waking nightmare. I drag each step. Why am I supposed to walk on while he stands still? My body aches with bumps and breezes. I walk in circles and see his smiles everywhere and nowhere at all. I walk in circles and I need him to whisk me away and whisper to me a direction. Moments of clarity; mostly confusion. Dark devastation. Pissed at the sound of conversation and normalcy. I'm only breathing because he lived so large, with the wind. I try to follow his guidance and be inspired to love my surroundings and the people in them. But I'm torn between living (really living) and not wanting to take another step without him. I wake up each morning crying; another day without him. I used to dream of him every night. Now only nightmares.