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I want my beautiful mam back I miss her so deeply it physically kills me. I feel so alone. My dad has moved on completely and tells me to move on or 'get over it' I can't. I have suppressed it for a long time cause I have to raise my son. I'm trying to suppress it again but find I can't. I just want her back. I never got to say goodbye. And tell her i love her. 17 months ago, on the night she passed away. Is the night I because a smoker... I never smoked a cigarette in my life before October 28 2015. My dad rang me on the Monday and told me he 'leave her there' (my mam was asleep in bed) 'she's not helping herself' where his very words... I said I'd go down and he told me not to worry. My mam had severe rheumatoid arthritis and was constantly in undiscribable pain. I saw her. I know how painful everyday tasks that I take for granted where for her.... She's my world, my life. I'd give absolutely anything to have her back. Or just be with her. I keep seeing myself jumping into the river from a bridge as I cannot swim or jumping in front of a bus or truck.... I know I have a family to think of. But I just don't want to be here anymore....