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Found 18 results

  1. It has almost been one year since I lost my brother. I wrote this almost two weeks after he passed and because of the unanswered questions and unresolved emotional issues it has since had a major impact on my relationships lately. Any advice??? I'm most worried about my marriage. I have to find out what to do with these repeated feelings. FYI I have never shared this before with anyone (this is even my first post here or anywhere) and this is just my raw feelings originally written to myself. Aug 2016 My brother died less than two weeks ago. I was in shock through all the arrangements and funeral. I couldn't seem to feel that it was real. I thought maybe picking out the casket would make it real, then it didn't. So then I thought writing the obituary would surely make it real, but it didn't. As if I had to keep myself busy in order to not lose myself right along with him. Then I thought that seeing him would definitely make it real. I went the night before the funeral, up to the funeral home to see him for the first time since the news and to make sure everything was "done to my satisfaction".... My satisfaction??, I thought. Did you revive him? Will he be able to sit up and tell me some crude joke to make me laugh and everything be ok? Of course not!!! So when seeing him didn't make it real either, I thought maybe his funeral and putting him in the ground might make me realize he is really gone. Well the morning came and the grieving family and friends came then they all left and still no reality. I cried that whole week during all of that but it was only when I would look at his pictures and think about the possibility of it being real, that my brother could actually really truly be dead. It was just the thought of it that made me sad though. It wasn't my reality yet. My family all went back home to try and figure out how to deal with it while picking back up with living their normal lives and then all the calls slowly stopped coming in. I was at my house alone, kids off to their first day at school, and my thoughts started to scramble. I was alone with my thoughts and nothing holding them back any longer. My heart started to melt. It felt like my entire soul got up, detached itself and walked away, leaving me sitting there lifeless for a second. It started to hit me!! HARD! My entire body wanted to scream out! Being in my own skin was uncomfortable. You always try to imagine what someone must feel like going through something like that. You imagine if you lose a sibling, what you might feel. Well my previous assumption was absolutely inaccurate! It's nothing like you think. This is an emotional experience I can honestly say I have never experienced anything close to before. No matter what memories pop into my head, I literally have to work my way up the chain of emotions to get to the better feeling ones. Sorrow, sadness, guilt, regret, rage, anger, frustration, until I finally get to peace, laughter and then love. Once I feel the love I have for him it makes me sad all over again! People would talk to me about " yea I lost my grandmother and we were close, I know how you feel". AaAHH!!! Wrong!! I lost my grandmother too! We were super close. She was like a mother to me. Definitely doesn't even compare!! She was an adult and I had been the grandchild. We didn't fight or argue or play tricks on each other for years. We didn't "get away with" things together growing up, we didn't get real with each other about how we felt at times and we definitely weren't together since both of us were infants! We didn't sleep in the next room from each other for 18-20 years and we didn't share parents siblings or the same childhood together. Me and my brother were close! He was 31, a year older than me. We had the same group of friends even. He was just always there! He WAS always there. How do I even deal? I can't even place a label on this type of emotion that I feel. I want to be able to just name it and someone honestly relate and know exactly what I am feeling! It's lonely. It's like trying to describe a color to a man who had been blind his entire life. You just can't do it! Until the person experiences it, they really don't know what you mean and even then people deal with things so differently! I'm afraid the way I feel is going to affect my marriage negatively. I mean my husband is great and so supportive but he doesn't understand what I'm going through and I think he kind of feels I should be getting over it by now, possibly. When really it's only just begun. I don't feel like I should talk about my brother to him how I really want to. I mean it's almost like even if I did, he doesn't know the emotion I'm feeling behind the things I have to say about my brother anyway. This is just hard. I tried to reach out to my family but that makes me feel more like the black sheep. It's like I'm not allowed to talk about him to anyone! Im the only one who handles emotions openly, better than bottling it up and suppressing it in order to feel normal again. My brother used to think of himself as the black sheep of the family. We had that in common, as contradictory as that sounds. I know that if I was going through this when he was here, I would have that conversation I need, that realization that I need, the laugh that I need and that part of my brother that I need right now. I can't help but question all of this. "Am I doing it right" "is it supposed to feel this way" "is this a normal level of grief" "why does it feel so uncomfortable" but most of all "is he really still here with me". All of these questions can't be answered to my satisfaction I don't think. I have been zoning out. I have always been particularly proud of how keen I was with my awareness. That has just gone away. Someone could be talking to me for 20 minutes before I realize that I haven't heard a single word they just said. That makes me only want to be alone. Have you ever had the urge to talk about something that was bothering you but not feel like talking at all, what so ever!!???? It's things like that, that make me so mixed up. It's like I just don't know anymore. I just don't know how to deal! I just had my first encounter with someone we grew up with that didn't know about my brothers death. It was too soon! I couldn't deal. I don't want to see anyone else who might ask me how he's doing. I have the urge and need to escape from this! I want to break free from the grasp it has on me. Then again even that feels wrong. I need an answer but not sure what the right question is. How can I go about determining something like that? What do I do??? ... so here it is over 11 months later and all this time I have felt pushed into bottling it up because I had no where else to place it. The bottle has finally filled up and now it's over flowing into my life and overwhelming me. I knew me and this bottle have never seen eye to eye. I found some letters that my brother wrote me a couple months after it happened. It helped a little because he wrote them about my grandmothers death and really what he had to say about death was extremely helpful. I guess now I'm still trying to face that it's real and irreversible. It's not being able to have that two way conversation with him, that I need so bad, that's making this the hardest!! I'm still not sure anything anyone could say or do would make this stop but I guess the reason for my post is to air out these emotions and possibly see that I am understood. Yes! I think being understood would be a great start!!
  2. Hi everyone,Last year I lost my father very suddenly. After losing my dad, I had a difficult experience in returning to work - in part due to the organisation's handling of this. When looking into bereavement practices and policies further, I found that my bad experience is not that uncommon.I'm currently studying occupational psychology and have decided to complete my dissertation research on young adults (18-25) returning to work after the loss of an immediate adult family member. I really want to look into how organisations and managers can make this incredibly difficult period easier.This post is to ask if anyone who has recently lost someone in their immediate family (up to 5 years ago) and returned to work would be willing to discuss your experience with me and answer some questions? All of your information and responses will be kept confidential, with only myself having access, and you will have the right to withdraw at any time during the process.It is important to note that I am *not* a trained counsellor, but I will do my best to support you and provide you with resources, should that be necessary.I am in the London area and I am looking to speak to around 8 individuals from the UK in the next few weeks either face to face or via telephone/Skype - whatever works best for you.Please feel free to message me privately where you are welcome to ask any questions with no obligation to take part. You are also welcome to message me if you just need to talk - my inbox is always open. Take care everyonexo
  3. Hi everyone,Last year I lost my father very suddenly. After losing my dad, I had a difficult experience in returning to work - in part due to the organisation's handling of this. When looking into bereavement practices and policies further, I found that my bad experience is not that uncommon.I'm currently studying occupational psychology and have decided to complete my dissertation research on young adults (18-25) returning to work after the loss of an immediate adult family member. I really want to look into how organisations and managers can make this incredibly difficult period easier.This post is to ask if anyone who has recently lost someone in their immediate family (up to 5 years ago) and returned to work would be willing to discuss your experience with me and answer some questions? All of your information and responses will be kept confidential, with only myself having access, and you will have the right to withdraw at any time during the process.It is important to note that I am *not* a trained counsellor, but I will do my best to support you and provide you with resources, should that be necessary.I am in the London area and I am looking to speak to around 8 individuals in the next few weeks either face to face or via telephone/skype - whatever works best for you.Please feel free to message me privately where you are welcome to ask any questions with no obligation to take part. You are also welcome to message me if you just need to talk - my inbox is always open. Take care everyonexo
  4. I lost my older brother on Easter morning 17 years ago. He was 21, driving home with two friends when he fell asleep at the wheel. He had been up all night supporting his friends at a late night event and was sleeping in his hotel room, when his girlfriend and friends urged him to wake up because they "wanted to go home". He agreed to drive if his friends kept him awake (they later told us this). He died at the scene. I was 17, and he was my best friend, my protector, and such a hilarious, kind, generous, creative person. I was with my mom when we found out, and still have traumatic memories from that, 17 years later. I was laying in bed Easter morning when I heard her upset talking to my father on the phone saying " I just called Chris's apartment and one of his friends said that he's passed away? Why would he say that? What is he trying to do to our family?" (His roommate just casually told her this on the phone. That still makes me so upset and sad for her.) Finally my dad was on the phone and I saw her crying, upset, asking him "Tell me...tell me Arthur" and when he told her she dropped the phone and lost it. She was sobbing loudly near the refrigerator. She had filled up two huge bags of plastic eggs for our whole extended family to come over. To this day Easter is a hard time of year. It feels like the reason he was rushing home to begin with. I can't even explain how devastating it was to lose Chris. Our younger brother was 10 at the time and he doesn't remember him. I am the one person my mom can count on to understand even a portion of her pain. Chris was such a wonderful person. He taught me how to give better hugs. He was interested in my art, he was excited about the world and doing things and urged me to get out there and not be shy. He is still my older brother even though I am 14 years older than he was when he passed. I have not let his life be in vain. I have tried to infuse the beauty of his personality into my own. there's so much more to say, we all have so much to say about our lost sibling. It's so hard, there's no way around that. I don't really share the story but I wanted to let anyone know who has recently lost a sibling that there is some hope of not feeling utterly hopeless and lost. No one will understand when people say stupid things. Even people who mean well and who love you will say dumb things. Try to forgive them somehow, they just don't understand. Try to find some joy in this life, do what you love. It will take time. Grief is an evolving process... Although I didn't have a mother for years after that, she found folk dancing...something she always was passionate about. She teaches classes, and helps other people through her beautiful dancing. She said Chris told her "Mom, you need to dance."
  5. I hope you have a nice day
  6. We all want the people we love to be remembered forever, and to be shown and shared with the world. Post the pictures of your lost loved ones for everyone to see
  7. It's been a long haul for me, and I guess I'm just hoping that there is someone here who truly understands this pain. I have had more losses in my 37 years than most people endure in a lifetime. As a teenager I lost my mother and all my grandparents, friends along the way and aunts and uncles and then in January of 2013 we lost my Mother in law (whom I had as long as I had my own mother), and found out that we couldn't have children. In December of 2013, my sister died tragically and unexpectedly with no medical reason or answers. She was only 42, and then just over a year later in January of this year my father passed suddenly and unexpectedly at the age of 67. I found him in his kitchen and couldn't save him. He was everything to me. We were very close and talked about everything and now he's gone and I don't know what to do. I thought he'd be here forever. In addition to the grief and images in my mind that I am trying to deal with, I've been left to deal with his entire estate and the legalities of it have been a nightmare. I am blessed to have a wonderful, caring, compassionate, and understanding husband but even though these were all losses for him also, I don't think he truly understands when I say I feel so lonely. He takes that personal. I love him and our marriage, but outside of him and our home there is nothing or no one left. No joy. No one to have holidays with, no birthday celebrations or otherwise. No one to carry traditions on with. I don't know where this path is supposed to take me, or even what the point is now. It feels personal. It feels like punishment. I wouldn't want anyone to have to feel this pain in order to understand, but if you're here and you're reading this, please reach out. Maybe we could help each other. I know people (friends) mean well when they try to give advice or say that they 'could imagine' what I'm going through, but the truth is that they don't have the first clue. Thank you for reading and listening.
  8. I'm done. I'm exhausted. I'm spent. Can I put another "I" in here? Selfish. My family calls me selfish. My mother who passed in April called me selfish most of my life. My sister calls my teenage daughter and I "selfish bitches." But she probably doesn't think that bothers us, so to be fair, it must look different from her perspective. Fair? I guess I am trying to say I realize there is more than one way to perceive a story. My sister and I are 12 years apart. She is 47 and I am 35. She helped take care of me when I was little. Then she moved out and started her life apart from me. I should mention that we have different dads; I am my father's only child, my sister's father passed away many years ago from cancer. He was an absentee parent. (I also have a 48 yo half brother, my sister's Irish twin, who disowned the three of us,my mom and sister and me, about 15 years ago, has an extreme Narcissistic personality, and has toyed with my mom's emotions and tortured her throughout the years; we don't speak at all). It has never made any difference to us about fathers, I point it out because I think it has bearing on our very different personalities. My sister has had much misfortune in her life, a lot of it was not of her doing. She, like myself, has very strong opinions about who she is, how the world should be, and how these ideals should affect the way she judges right from wrong. I have always considered her to be a good person and I love her and my 8 yo niece. I have mental health issues. Actually, we both do; different types, but the kind that are still imposing great difficulty on daily living. I mean, we both find it very difficult to do more than exist on a day to day basis. She and I are both crippled little creatures that have lived with my mom together or alone for the majority of our lives. Around the age of 21 I moved to Florida to gain residency for college. My mom had gone bankrupt for the second time, lost our home to the bank and my sister got out of a relationship that left her with PTSD and some severe panic attacks that continue to this day. So we all moved to Florida together. About 10 years ago we all lived in a decent rental house with a pool. It was a nice life. But I was 25 years old with a 7 year old daughter I was feeling stifled and longed to live on my own. After my sister gave birth to her daughter the house seemed even more crowded an I wanted to stretch my wings and make a home for my daughter and myself. This affected them because I paid a portion of the rent in a home they couldn't afford without me. My sister felt so angry and betrayed when I decided to buy a house. But the owners decided to take it off the market. I really liked that particular house and was disappointed enough to stop my search for a while. I told my mom and sister I could stay. I understand that the fact that I used the chance to do something for myself at the cost of other's convenience or happiness could be considered a jerk thing to do. Even though they had not made any decisions about where to live or when to move, my sister told me no, I could not stay, it was too late, I had made my decision. I hurt her feelings so she hurt me back. So I left and rented an apartment. I was happy. I found a partner and we lived for several years in our own place. My sister married an old sweetheart and moved back to our home state. About four years ago I came to a place in my life where my relationship was stale and a great burden was placed on my daughter. My mom lived by herself in a condo a few towns away (about 50 miles). We occasionally talked, but my mom and I have had a strange relationship and many personality and belief clashes so we could go months without talking. I still loved her very much, and she loved me. I was not particularly a good daughter to her. She started to fall, and once cracked her head on pavement hard enough to send her to the hospital and leave a nasty scar. I wasn't there for that... I am often unreachable because I enjoy solitude and dislike talking on the phone. I have guilt and regrets. So she was sick and I needed a place to go so we packed up and moved into mom's place. I didn't work, mom paid for us to live with her, and I was there to take her shopping or to the doctor or whatever else. I was grateful, but extremely depressed, off of about $700 worth of medicine I lost coverage for when my partner lost their job a year before (I had gone part time to home school my daughter and lost my job in budget cuts). My mental health issues were a large part of why I needed to leave and they tend to cause a burden for others as well as myself. But at least my mom loved me. It was not great. I could have been a better daughter. I could have been a better person. Mom wanted me to file for disability but I was afraid of being labeled. There is a strong stigma against people with mental health issues, and no one ever seems to get what an desolate existence a person can be stuck in for any unknown length of time. But I also lacked the strength to leave the house a find yet another low income clinic in which I had to talk to doctors that don't really care or think you're trying to scam drugs or maybe don't even believe in the conditions they are supposed to be treating. The three of us lived in a two bedroom condo and a year later my sister and niece came to join us after a nasty divorce. Having them there was awful. My sister and I are more different in our later years than ever before, and our mental issues caused us to clash in ways that exacerbate our seemingly disparate personalities. Our only children of a large age gap clashed, we clashed, mom declined, it was just awful. My sister used to keep herself fairly together. She always pays bills first, doesn't take drugs (that aren't prescribed), doesn't sleep around... She does drink wine, though, which in the past has never been a problem. That seems to have changed since her marriage and subsequent divorce. Which I understand. I am not a prude. I am just reclusive and do not necessarily want to share my faults, weaknesses, or short comings with other people, even if they are my family. I don't drink much, though, and when she would drink her company was nearly unbearable. I finally had to tell her not to talk to me if she was going to drink, that she had to stop because it was horrible and we all hated it. I don't like giving ultimatums because I wouldn't like having them put on me. It was extremely awkward for me. She also made "friends" around the condos. These were guys my age that played guitar and such or some other slightly interesting thing. At first I thought this was a good thing... I couldn't bear her burden of living because I couldn't even bear my own. I was relieved when she made friends. At first. She found a soul mate that wasn't meant for her this lifetime, as she put it. That's all well and good, but one night she brought him home to our condo. Now, before you think the wrong thing, let me tell you that he was ill, he had "fallen" down the stairs at the end of his building, although there were strong implications that he was pushed. He had broken ribs and a punctured lung and was in pain. OK. But picture this... We are five females living in a small two bedroom condo. Five. Females. Our ages are 68, 46, 34, 16, and 7. There is no peace here, people. No. Peace. But you get used to it, when you are all just trying to get by. You make a sort of peace. When I got up in my underwear to get a drink in the middle of the night (like 2 AM) and open the door to find him and her cuddling on the couch, I lost my mind. I mean, that condo was our sanctuary, such as it was, from the outside world. It was common for my daughter to get up in her underwear and get a drink or maybe even steal a little alone time in the living room. Not to mention that my niece is totally confused and worried about her mom's weird behavior lately. And here was a stranger sitting on our couch, no warning, no nothing. I handled it wrong. I lost my temper. I slammed cabinet doors and banged pans until my sister was furious and walked him home. She still hasn't forgiven me for that. I am not sure that I have forgiven her. She couldn't connect with me and found someone else and was seething inside over the treatment he received at my hands. I will admit, I don't entirely disagree with her. I wish I had simply let it be, at least until morning. I wish I had had the graciousness to let everyone rest. I wish I had had the forethought to maybe just set an alarm so I could rouse them early enough that none of the others would have even known they were there. But I didn't. I was so incensed that she would violate our safety zone, the one refuge left to us. It was like we didn't even exist to her. And yet she is baffled by how heartless and uncaring I "have become." There have been other incidences to distance us although I doubt she would remember them due to her drinking. And I simply will not bring a litany of offences to her door; if she doesn't remember them it will only hurt her, and we have had plenty of grief to go around... I would say the worst thing for me since my mom died, other than the fact that I feel much younger and more vulnerable now, is that we are now no longer on speaking terms. My mom had talked about helping me move out for a few months before she died, I moved, I think my sister resented me again. I think my mom was trying to save me because she knew how absolutely miserable I was. She told me once that if she'd had any idea what it was going to be like she would never have told them they could come. That is a strong sentiment to come from my mom because she always took us in when we needed it. Immediately after my mom's death, everything was dropped on me because my sister was so overcome with grief. She had already been named executor by mom years before, and I had no problem with that. I also didn't mind taking charge. I mean, I had no idea what I was doing, and my mom wouldn't speak to us about her final expenses paperwork (to this day I don't know why... I think it was too sad for her, she started getting confused, but in the past it wasn't a problem) so nothing could be done right away, it was stressful, and horrible, but it gave me a kind of purpose. But I had a new apartment in another town, a new job that let me stay weeks away to help her clean out the condo, and eventually was going to need a breather and to head back to my own place. That first week, when my daughter and I came back to help, she turned on me out of nowhere. It had my daughter boiling mad and locked in a bedroom and my niece was crying and hiding under furniture. Here's what happened. My sister had moved on from a long conversation about mom to grieving for Unwanted Couch Guy. He was a musician and had moved on to some other place and wouldn't return her calls or messages... I was trying very hard to focus on stuff on the internet because I was grieving for mom and was sick of hearing about her stupid guy problems. I know, I know, it's not stupid to her. And it's not stupid to me either, actually, because I do love her and care about her feelings. But between the drinking and the THOUSANDS of times I had had the same conversation with her I was fed up. So I stared very hard at something that I will never remember just to keep from blowing up on her. I was trying to manage no more than a mask of indifference, that was as close to not exploding as I could get, but I must have been scowling because out of nowhere her head turned in a mechanical fashion to gaze at me and she said, "You hate me. You hate me! YOU HATE ME!" She then proceeded to scream and wail and I was completely at a loss. I have no idea why that happened. I had, up to that point, been trying to at least politely agree with her and comment here and there so as to hide my disappointment in the conversation. Even had she realized I was not paying attention, I would never have thought that the crazy ass screaming and crying would have been pointed at me. I couldn't do it. I got a few of my own screams in because I was caught off guard and felt I had to try and defend myself Then I just went to mom's room, picked up a couple of her favorite dolls, a random pajama piece or some dirty clothing that smelled like mom and told her I was going home. I no longer wanted to be around her. My daughter was so overwhelmed by my sister's behavior that she has finally refused to have anything to do with her, and at that time was too stressed to stay with me while we sorted mom's stuff so I left her alone for days at a time to deal with the condo (a rental, we had to get out of). I guess what it boils down to is my sister wanted me to stay with her and I wanted to go. I stayed several days, but the first time I left to come home for a break from grieving and cleaning I really felt the change. I went from initiating necessary procedures to suddenly being told on a side note that such and such was about to be done or had already been done. Just like that... It was very hurtful. But OK. Then while I am there we proceed to talk about the only property my mom had, an old Honda. Even though my mother had told my daughter she would leave her the car, that was a private conversation and I didn't want to say, Mom told her she could have the car. Also, my sister is 47 years old and is going to have give her car back to her ex husband in a year or so if she can't pay it off. She also does not work. I thought I was being gracious when against my daughter's wishes (she is sad about my mom but also is protective of the only thing left of Nan's that she felt she had control over) I told my sister if she wanted it she could have it since she would be out of a car. She said she didn't want it and that my daughter could have it. I was relieved because I knew my daughter didn't want to give up the only thing left of my mom's that she had specifically been told she could have. So situation resolved, right...? In the mean time, my sister is in a very awkward and uncomfortable living situation with my aunt who is mostly estranged to us. She gets her part of a very modest insurance settlement and asks me to go in on a place with her. I say no... I have an apartment, a job, and I am starting school again in the fall. And I can't live with her again. Ever. Still she rents a $1600 a month condo (yes with no income) which is OK I guess because the owners know it and she intends to rent out rooms anyway (fairly easy to do at her location). Worst of all, she needs me. This makes me feel awful. I can't stand her grief right now. I can't take it. I would rather die. She begs me to come out there and be with her but I am exhausted and off my meds and the fact that we are not living under bridge right now is a miracle, my dad is helping me with rent, I am working... I can't bear one more burden right now. It is so painful for me to know she is in pain. It really is. I would never be OK with her hurting or feeling lonely. I just can't do it. Then my sister starts telling me that she can't believe our mom left something to my brother's son and nothing to our daughters. I didn't bring up the car b/c my brother signed off on any claim to it and we were supposed to come pick it up from my aunt's house. Then she says, hey, we should sell the car and split the difference between our two daughters, wouldn't that be a sweet thing to do? She hadn't read the message I last sent where I finally told her how I overwhelmed I felt. I told her I can't be there for her the way she wants me to and I am sorry. I told her I am weak and just do not have the strength. I told her it is all I can do to exist. I told her I love you and I am sorry... I responded with a "no" about selling the car. My daughter still wanted the car so I said I would pay her for half of what it is worth. She never got back to me, but the last thing she had said was my aunt wanted it gone (still parked in their yard). So I try to text her but she decides I have cut her off and so she must do the same to me. I finally write my aunt (I didn't have her #) and tell her I am sorry the car has been there so long and I will pick it up soon. To which she replies, Robyn has the car. Well of course she does. But she isn't talking to me so how would I know. We almost started talking again but she began posting thinly veiled stuff on Facebook about how if you really love someone, you are in their life, "no excuses." I want to say, "If I am not in your house I am not in your life???!" I want to say, "Almost completely dysfunctional bipolar with no meds managing to work at least part time and pay for gas and groceries and planning on finishing a degree is an EXCUSE? Because I couldn't meet YOUR needs I am no longer a part of your family? I must not have lost my mom a few months ago. I guess only my sister lost a mother. My aunt attempted to contact me and say I need to be there for my sister. Further letting me know she is going off about it, further letting me know that the squeaky wheel gets the attention. Further letting me know that because it soothes me to grieve in silence I seem to be an aberration to my family. Further letting me know that all this time when she acted like she understood the symptoms of my illness she was lying... which I already knew because she kept calling me selfish and lazy (and repeated it to and included my daughter). I am no dream to live with. I know this. I'm stubborn. I'm grouchy when I'm tired. I'm sloppy and occasionally a slob. It's one of the many reasons I so enjoy being on my own. My daughter and I get along well despite the fact that she is a teenager. We like ourselves, we like each other. There is no walking on eggshells because I have to constantly worry if what I say or do (or don't do) is going to be considered selfish or lazy. There are no hurt feelings because I prefer the solitude of my room over the company of anyone else present. There are no feelings of constantly letting someone down because you keep failing to meet expectations that you didn't even know you were supposed to strive for. I don't have to listen to hours of pornographic details about hookups that I am only listening to to be polite. I don't have to watch the horrible spiraling out of control that I am helpless to stop because I sliding down my own spiral. I rent a crappy one bedroom one bath cottage. A glorious, run down, leaks when it rains, the-owner's-garbage-pile-brings-rats 400 sq ft cottage. I am not blind to its faults. I do not plan to be here forever. But for now, it's mine. It's peaceful here. (And the piles are being cleaned up). Why can't she understand that our differences and misunderstandings are part of what drives me away? Why is the way I grieve not even a factor to her whilst I sit and contemplate her needs for hours? Why would she want to live with me when we were so miserable at the condo? I'd rather be alone... I know she was unhappy, too... I guess what this post comes down to is when I try to look for information regarding how people don't understand when you don't reach out to them or when you need time alone or simply cannot bear another burden what I actually find are all the people who are on the opposite side... I see people saying things like, "they won't communicate with me, they won't support me, my world is falling apart and they are not there for me." I read comments such as, "there is no excuse for them to not be there for you, unforgivable, how could they?" I have found, to my dismay,that siblings falling out of favor with each other is common after the death of a parent. What I have not found is someone like me who says, "I cannot bear this load, it is too much for me." Or, "A significant amount of solitude is the only thing that helps me show up to work and support my child." I seem to be the "bad" sibling... and I only feel bad about it because it hurts my sister's feelings. I don't actually feel bad for being who I am. I am happier on my own. I am tired of people making me feel like this is unreasonable... I like being free to be my own person by working and going to school. I like myself. I am just sad that I haven't found anyone who understands, apart from my own daughter, and I am not certain that counts. *TLDR - My sister seems to think she is the only one grieving, has stopped speaking to me because I couldn't spend the time with her that she desperately needed. I cannot cope with her neediness and prefer long periods of solitude. Has anyone else been the one who needed to withdraw just to manage an existence on this planet? Were you ostracized for it?
  9. I lost my only sibling, my older brother, who was 24 and I am currently 22. I lost him a week after my birthday, Nov. 19th, 2014. I was at work when I got the call that my brother lost his battle with Heroin. He was very good looking, he didn't know that though, he was very insecure. I was always the angel growing up, he was the cool, bad ass. He was popular and did drugs and loved to party. Once I turned 16, you can say I joined him and we shared that bond. We became so close and did a lot of adventuring together. Just enjoying life and living on the edge, he molded me into the adrenaline junkie, I am today. I miss our long car rides to nowhere, blasting music, I miss us talking crap about everyone who doubted us, I miss our inside jokes, I miss him being over protective with me and the guys I date. I even miss his anger, his harsh words, his selfish actions. We had so many plans together, my memories with him are now from one perspective, he's not here to argue what really happened. He was so loud, his presence was so aggressive, he was so animated. He called me at least 10 times a day, if not more and if he was in the room, don't expect to get a word out, this loss is great. My life is now nothing but silence, my mother and I have drifted apart. She's always zombified off of her Xanax, so no use in talking to her. She usually doesn't remember our conversations anyway. So i've been going out a lot, getting drunk and high. Feeling very alone these days. I just feel like i have no one. Even when people try to reach out, I don't accept their calls or texts. I just want to sit and miss him, and I don't want to get better. I don't want to lose him, even though he's already gone.. I don't want to succeed without him, I don't want to live happy without him here, It feels so wrong. I'm not suicidal but sometimes I wish i would just get into a freak accident. That way me and him can be together and I won't feel bad...
  10. He was 18..

    I lost my 18 year old brother on February 15, 2014. Some girl my mom and I have never met came to our house and knocked on our door, asking if Ricky was home. I was upstairs and didn't hear the entire conversation between her and my mom, but I came downstairs as she was hugging my mom and running back to her car in the driveway. I asked my mom what I just missed and she told me that this girl heard of a maroon car in a bad accident on Sturgeon Point road (about 5 minutes from our house) and wanted to see if Ricky was home because he has a maroon car. My mom called my brother and he didn't answer his phone. I am the older of the two of us, 23 at the time and he was 18. He had always been "babied" by my mom, although he would never admit it to anyone's face. She would bend over backwards for him constantly, but had always given me a hard time growing up. Her argument was that, "boys are different." To this day I am thankful for that because she instilled a sense of independence and self-worth in me. Also, knowing that she always did 110% for Ricky every day of his and her life helps elevate the pain slightly because we know he enjoyed life to the fullest, having everything he ever wanted his short time on this earth. With all that being said, after this strange girl left our house, we knew something was up when Ricky didn't answer my mom's phone call to check in on him. It was noon on a Saturday and he had left the house to go to one of his best friend's house. He had just gotten his car out of the shop and it was his pride and joy. He and his buddies liked to cruise and listen to music and go out to eat at fast food restaurants. My first thought was maybe he is driving but my mom knew something was wrong. My mom called Ricky's best friend, Dan, whose house he supposedly went to when he left no longer than 20 minutes before this girl showed up at our house. Dan was crying when he answered the phone and repeatedly said, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, he was my friend." This really got my mom worked up. She started pacing and talking fast. I told her to calm down, have a seat on the couch, and stay home in case Ricky showed up. I got in my car and drove over to the intersection of Delameter and Sturgeon Point road. There was one gentleman in a bright green jacket standing there and he told me he wasn't allowed to let traffic through. Sturgeon Point road is a winding road and about 5 miles long, surrounded by trees. I couldn't see any signs of distress or abnormalities past him and his volunteer fireman's car, so I turned around and decided to go to the intersection of Sturgeon Point road and Derby road. All the while I was making this commute, I was unusually calm. Now that I look back to it, it's almost as though I was too calm to the point where my body was just on autopilot. At the intersection of Sturgeon Point and Derby Road, I saw three cop cars not allowing any traffic through. About 50 yards from them was my brother's friend Mitch's gold Audi parallel with the ditch. No signs of damage though. About 50 more feet down, past Mitch's car, I saw about three fire trucks, ambulances and undercover/detective-ish police cars. The cops told me there was to be no thru-traffic and find an alternative route. I put my car in park, got out of it, walked over to the little possy of three and said, "my brother drives a maroon Lincoln and someone told me there was a bad accident on this road, I need to know what kind of car is down there." The police offices said that they didn't know the details of the accident and were only instructed to keep traffic back. I knew they were lying through their teeth. They told me I had to move my car and it couldn't stay where it was idle. I told them I wasn't leaving until they gave me information, especially because I could identify the gold Audi as Mitch's car. The one officer radioed to someone at the scene, and an undercover cop car drove in reverse down to where I was standing with the traffic officers. He got out of his car and approached me so calmly that it basically hypnotized me. He gently touched my shoulder and asked me if my parents were home. I told him I just live with my mom and she was home and worried and needed to know if Ricky was ok. He guided me to my car and said to go home and stay with her until the officers arrived with further information. When I replay this in my head, I don't know why I didn't panic. I just assumed Ricky and Mitch (being the 18 year old boys that they were) might've gotten into some trouble and had to clear things up. Maybe they were trespassing or hit a mailbox or something along those lines. Not once did I think about losing my brother. When I got home my mom was horizontal on the couch and she was white as a ghost. She had the cold sweats and was breathing very heavily. I got her a cool washcloth and told her that the officer was coming over to explain. She was confused. I told her he seemed nice and sincere and that we shouldn't worry. I decided to pull out the laptop from under the couch just to waste some time. I pulled up my twitter account and one of the most recent tweets on the top of the page was from a boy a few years younger than me, but went to the same high school as me. He knew a lot of the gossip and was always the center of attention or doing the coolest thing of the night. His tweet read, "RIP Ricky." I read it once, read it twice, read it three times, and looked at my mom lying on the couch with the cold rag on her head. This couldn’t be our Ricky, no. I gently closed the computer and slid it under the couch. I didn't say anything to her because I didn't exactly know what that tweet meant myself. I didn't know many Ricky's in our area, but I think I would be pretty aware if my brother was no longer on this earth. I'm his big sister; wouldn't I be the first to know? About 20 minutes passed and two cop cars pulled in the driveway. It was February and we live in Western New York, so there was a dusting of snow on the ground. My mom sprung from the couch when she saw the officers arrive and ran to the door to fling it open so quick it almost fell off the hinges. She was shouting at them before both of them had even gotten out of their vehicles, "where's my son, what's going on?" I was trying to register all of this as it was happening. Neither of these officers were the one I talked to in the undercover car. Neither of them had my brother in the car. They both walked into our house and she was begging them to tell her where Ricky was. They suggested we take a seat at the kitchen table while they explained and she was pleading at this point, "where is my son?!" There is no word to describe the sound that came out of my mom when the officer told her that he had been in an accident and didn't make it. My mom put her head down in her arms on the kitchen table and began to sob and yell, “No! Where is he?! I need to see him!” I definitely entered a state of shock/panic. The officers had tracked slush/snow into our house all over the kitchen floor so I grabbed paper towels and got on my hands and knees and began wiping the floor because I couldn’t register what they had just told us. The officers told us that they were sorry, but I knew they weren’t. They would go on with their lives as normal; this was just the beginning of their Saturday at work. They went on to explain that we could not see him as he was not transported to the hospital because he died on impact. Still, none of this registering. Now when I look back, I am glad things happened this way because I know he was grabbed right up into heaven. However, my mom was aching to see her baby boy. The officers told us that we needed to contact family because they are what we need to turn to during a time like this for support. My mom is the second oldest of six siblings. She has four brothers and a sister. She lost her mom (my grandmother) about four years prior to this accident. I was devastated losing my Nonnie and my mom devastated to lose her mom, she was only 63. However, it is more of a norm to lose a grandparent than a sibling or child. No pain could ever amount to this. My mom made one phone call, to my grandpa and told him about the accident. He contacted everyone in the family and within about an hour and a half all four of my uncles, their wives and all of their kids (my 12 cousins) were in our house. It was somber. It was like we took turns passing tears around. This was the start of the longest week of my life. Starting with planning funeral arrangements, to the wake and funeral and after, it all seems like a blur. I was sick physically and mentally. Today I look back on all of it, and find Ricky in the little joyous parts of my day, but miss him terribly. Not seeing your younger and only sibling for 11 months is unimaginable. When I say that out loud, I can’t believe it has been that long since we shared a laugh or a loving punch. Eleven months without you, bud. I can’t believe it until I remember that I have to live for the rest of my life.
  11. I don't know where to start but I do know that I need to get a lot off my chest. I need help. I am currently in grad school at the moment. Just last week I had to return to my hometown to say my goodbyes to my grandma who passed a week before that. Her and I became absolutely close during my years at college. The reason why? I had lost my mom (her daughter) during my senior year of high-school to lung cancer. My dad died during my senior year at my undergrad, and my brother one month after graduation. I am utterly at lost here, being that these were the only people who I was really close to. I have older siblings, two sisters. But, I have never been able to get along with them as they are excessively jealous, dangerous, and angry all the time. My mom and my grandma trusted my sisters to do the right thing, to help them in their time of need...but they didn't want to. My oldest sister physically fought my mom and disrespected her all the time, made my mom pay her to take her to her chemo sessions or to the hospital. This sister did the same thing to my grandma as well. My other sister was granted power of attorney over my grandma, but she had never been concerned with my grandma's health until then. In fact, she always talked about how she couldn't wait for my gma to die so that she could move on with her life. Now mind you, both sisters don't have any income...jobs or that matter, but they we're very successful in the past. I am the only one that has graduated from college and gone to graduate school. My sisters have been angry at me for this reason, because they feel that they had given their lives away to raise their kids and to help my mom and grandma out. They also grew very resentful of having to care for my disabled brother who passed. However, I just remember growing up....that my mom did all of the the work by herself...My siblings are much older than me by the way, by twenty...thirty years. I could understand their anger in that regards, but I have been feeling quite alone in this journey through grief and loss. My sister who was granted POA blocked me from seeing my grandma while she was in the hospital, she didn't include me in making any of the funeral arrangements and so forth. A bunch of crazy, petty mess. I decided to attend my grandma's viewing instead of the funeral, because I wanted my time to say goodbye to her to be special. I wrote her a very long letter about my favorite memories together, my frustrations with not getting a chance to see her, and all of these things. I left behind two rings and a handmade bracelet that she liked of mine. I don't know....I'm just feeling angry and disappointed in this situation, feeling that it's not fair that I won't get the chance to talk with my parents, my brother, or my gma anymore. I feel hopeless, empty, and just emotionless? I am angry at my family for abusing my mom and my grandma (physically, mentally, and verbally) I am angry for having to watch this vicious cycle unfold for my entire life. I am angry that I could not do anything to help solve the situation, or to find the courage to speak up when things weren't right. I will write more, but this is enough.
  12. I lost my big brother, and only sibling, Joey to an accident drug overdose on Nov 7, 2013. He was only 30. I feel I am having an exceptionally difficult time dealing with this. My mother and I are the most affected and it seems no one understands us. My very best friends, who have been there through thick and thin for the past 10+ years don't even know what to do with me anymore and I live with them. All I want to do is live normal life again but situation are making it so hard. I can barely get the image of him in his casket out of my head. I'm reaching out to anyone that's lost someone, do you ever live a normal life again? When did it get easier for you? What did you do? Any insight please.
  13. Recovering from loss

    This past June my sister was killed. That morning I saw her, happy and well, then 14 hours later in the morgue. The next few weeks we had many family and friends visit and the sympathy that our community showed was truly touching. But of course everyone soon returned to their lives and everything seemed to become normal again. Anne's death is a loss which I could never have imagined. We had grown from bickering children to become very close as adults. She was the closest and most important important person in my life, and I can never recover the love and support she gave me. Many people have told me that time heals all and assured me that someday happiness will return. 6 months later it's true that the crying has mostly stopped, but in other ways it's worse than ever. Crying felt fulfilling because I was expressing my love for her. Now she's just gone. Things that I used to enjoy don't make me happy anymore. I enjoy seeing my friends but I find the initiative to call them up less and less frequently. Although I'm not thinking about Anne all the time I find it hard to focus so my work and relationships are suffering. Every day I go through the motions of living a normal life but can't shake the feeling that I'm a fraud. Perhaps I need to let go in order to move forward, but I don't want to let go.
  14. Sister Dying of Cancer..

    Hi.. I'm new to this whole forum thing, but am unsure who to talk to about all of the feelings I have been having, My sister is 20yo and is battling cancer. She was diagnosed at age 12 and has been in remission up until a few months ago. Her cancer is back, and it's back with avengence. It has spread throughtout her brain and is now in her cerebellum which is causing her to have trouble walking. I am overwrought with guilt because my husband and I recently moved 2.5 hours away from our hometown and I am not able to be there like i want to be.I cannot help my aging parents, give my Mom a hug on her bad days, or even sit with my sister to give them a break from the daunting days, I feel alone and stranded with my pain. Often times I hold my feeling in or lash out on a loved one, neither are very helpful. I can't imagine life with my parents being heart broken. I feel as if I can deal with her death, but not the feelings afterward. I dont want her to suffer, I dont want her to fall, I dont want her to forget everything shes seen or heard in the last 10mins, I just want her to be ok, resting, in no pain or sorrow.. but where will that leave the rest of us? What will happen to our family when she's gone? The docs are trying some "experimental" things, but I dont feel very hopeful. I pray that they can take this cancer away once more, but feel as if it has progressed beyond their control. I dont understand why there isnt a cure or why certian people get cancer. I dont understand why shes the one who has cancer, we are made up of the same DNA, am I doomed? is this my future? I have so many questions but no answers. I would love to hear any advice or tips on dealing with this. it seems utterly impossible... Stephanie
  15. Tattoo

    After a loved one passes away, many people choose to memorialize them in the form of a tattoo. When my brother passed away, I wanted to do the same but I did not want to do something typical like "R.I.P." or his birth and death date. Since he was very into video games and Nintendo was his favorite, I decided to do his name as a Nintendo logo. So if you are planning on doing something similar for a loved one you have lost, think of something they loved in life, and find a way to incorporate it. I have also heard of people getting their loved ones signature tattooed on them as well. More tips: http://www.tipmine.com/categories/58
  16. My dad passed away very unexpectedly in March of 2013 followed shortly by his sister (about 2 weeks) who was fighting lung cancer. I live out of state but my sister lives pretty much next door to my mom. Since my Dad and Aunt both passed away, my Mom and Uncle got close. They took a vacation together a few weeks ago and ended up falling in love with each other. I am stoked, thrilled, elated or whatever you want to call it. I want my Mom to be happy and i don't want her to be alone. My Uncle is very financially stable and can take care of my Mom if she needs him to. It took a huge weight off of my shoulders just knowing that I didn't have to worry about my Mom being alone. My sister, on the other hand, is absolutely CRUSHED. She can't stand it, can't handle it, it makes her sick to her stomach to even think about it. (a brief history of the sister: she has been struggling with deep depression and most likely some sort of anxiety disorder since her separation from her husband, my Dad was always the one that would talk to her when she was struggling really bad.) While I understand that mental disorders are extremely difficult to overcome, I have tried and tried to suggest that my sister seek some sort of professional help. She won't for whatever reason she comes up with at the time. It has pushed me to think that I myself need to seek counseling just to deal with her mental illness that she won't take responsibility for. I feel like telling her she's selfish beyond reason and to quit having a pity-party over something she can't control. I don't know what to do, my mom and I are best friends and her relationship with my sister is strained, i want to help, but this stuff is eating away at me. Does anyone have any insight as to how I should handle my sister?
  17. I lost both brother in 2009 from heart disease, my sister passed away from cancer in 2005 and my mother recently passed away in December 2012 of Heart Disease as well... Pure depression...It's such a struggle...
  18. Hi there all, I sadly lost my older sister last year after her two year battle against cancer. She was 2 weeks off her 30th Birthday. I am two years younger than her and it was so tough to see her deteriorate at the very end- to see her in such pain and then to be there at the end when her body couldn't fight any longer. She had a 3 year old son who is doing so well and is such a wonderful reminder of her. For the first three months after she died, I was 'doing' so well... everything was going well and I proposed to my girlfriend whilst away on a holiday to Oregon. When I got back, and back to school teaching after the summer holidays, everything hit me. I went to see a counsellor and felt very anxious and nervous and down. I also had questioned my relationship with my fiance... wasn't sure about anything. I finished the counselling and was feeling better about everything. I trained over the winter for a solo and unsupported 900mile bike ride to raise money for the hospice my sister was in... I haven't felt angry but guess that helped having something to channel my energy into. I raised £13,000 and after the ride, and going back to work, everything has been flat and been feeling very down again... This has really had an effect on my relationship; my negativity is wearing off onto my fiance and we don't have have the fun we once had together. I know when I meet up with friends it's like an escape and I can forget about things, but I can't seem to do this with my finace. I have been questioning everything over and over in my head and worrying that because things are different I don't love her anymore. I finally talked to her about this and she wants to move out to give me some space... she is amazing- she wants me to have some time and space. She has also said that we don't ever have to get married if that is what is worrying me. I have read quite a few of these posts and my heart goes out to all those who have lost a sister or brother- such a unbelievably sad thing to happen... I wanted to know if anyone else out there has then found other relationships in their lives difficult or how it's affected their marriage... I sometimes wish I could fast forward 2 years to when everything is ok again and we are happily married... I know that things will never be the same for me again, but I hope that it will be better at least... Any thoughts would be gratefully read!
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