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bjc posted a topic in Loss of a Parent (Mother or Father)I am 18 and I lost my mom February 16th to metastasized breast cancer to the bones and liver. I knew she wasn't going to live to see the age of 60 and I had just (literally two days) before come to terms with the fact that my mother was going to die before I wanted her to. I bawled my eyes out to my counsellor but she said I had taken strides in accepting my moms fate. Still, she was always so positive and had a bright look on the future, which in turn caused all of us to. The week before she died even while she was in the hospital she was the one reassuring me to take each day at a time. That was one of my last conversations with her actually, as I had called her the day before she passed (we thought she was coming home). When she went to the hospital, she was very yellow and had yellow eyes, and she was throwing up black more towards the end. The doctors apparently didn't know what was wrong with her but even before she went into the hospital I remember crying to my dad telling him these were signs of liver failure. I truly believe she kept her fate from us that week to spare us misery well we spent our last moments with her. Still, I was so scared but I had kept my positive energy until the very end. The last time my mom was conscious when I saw her, we talked about what life would be like without her, and we talked about personal things I've always wanted to tell her. She hugged me goodbye extra hard that night and now that I am looking back on it, it felt like she was saying goodbye. On the actual night she passed away, I was at soccer and my dad came in and looked at me and said we have to go. My stomach turned into a pit and I went into shock in our truck (I went into literal shock, I didn't not cry but my body was seizing up, I couldn't move and I was going numb). I gathered myself up, because I have a twin sister and a younger brother a sister. They were all crying hysterically, but I couldn't cry because I was in shock. When we got to the hospital we all sprinted up to my moms hospital room and seeing her like that made me start to cry hysterically. I couldn't believe the family rock, our spark and the love of each of our lives was actually leaving us. She was put into a sleeping state and we all said goodbye to her then. She passed three hours later and I was the last to kiss her goodbye. My immediate family is very close and because my mom was such a big presence in the community we have a lot of support, but ever since that day it feels as if my soul has been sucked out of me. I literally can't breath properly and I talk with my family about my feeling but my body still feels incomplete and soulless. I feel the lack of her presence every second of the day. she won't see my brother and sister graduate high school, she doesn't even know if I got accepted to the university of my dreams, I don't know her secret recipes, shell never see any of us fall in love and ill never see her eyes sparkle or hear her laugh. There are so many reminders of her everywhere, all over town and in my home, that it makes me ache so badly. Its so hard and its so confusing and scary all at the same time. I was so shocked that she left us so fast and that we had so many unanswered questions. I wish I could have one more minute to talk with her and tell her I love her and just to see her smile, I know this is all silly talk but my mom was the most ravishing sparkle and bad things arnt supposed to happen to pure and good people. I miss her so much and I don't know how I'm going to live the rest of my life without her. Im not saying that to be emo, I know we have to go on but I mean like I don't know how ill ever be able to laugh or build a family or stuff like that without my mothers love and guidance.
Hi forum, I stumbled across this page in the hopes of getting some advice for my current situation, which I'm sure you all can relate to in some way or form. We lost my younger brother 5 years ago this July, to an accidental heroin (with other drugs) overdose. Matthew was 24 years old and at the time I was 25. It was such a shock to everyone, we all knew Matt was a little wild and had tried a lot of things to help him, which ultimately didn't. He wasn't known to use heroin either, which was another shock. At the time also, I was in a committed relationship for about 4 months and really, without my partner being there for me, I probably wouldn't have found the strength that I did to keep going. I did all the organising for his funeral, sitting up through all hours of the morning organising his photo slideshow, writing a eulogy, picking the music and speaking to the priest. I felt it was my duty as Matt's older sister to do this for him. I didn't even cry much during my eulogy - which I'm still surprised at today. Basically, 5 years on, my partner believes that I haven't dealt with his death 'properly'. We are going through some dramas and I believe this might be stemming from holding a lot of hurt in. I feel at this point in my life that I am at a crossroads - and I am really unsure of how to deal with this. I feel I have gone through some major changes as a person and now my partner is the one copping the brunt of these. As the eldest, I have always been the 'good' one so this might have some reason as to why I am feeling the way I am. Also, I have another younger brother who is just getting worse and worse since Matt's death. Constantly getting in trouble, unemployed, doing drugs, stealing from EVERYONE (even our from grandparents) and has a young daughter who he never sees. It is taking toll on our Dad as he says hurtful things like 'If you don't give me money, I'm just going to kill myself' things like that to make Dad feel guilty. Does anyone relate to these feelings? I have never spoken to a therapist or counsellor, which is maybe something I need to do. It feels like I am going through a 1/4 life crisis of some sorts? I would love ANY info/advice from you guys, as I feel no one really understands where I am coming from. Please help! Lala