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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

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  1. Hi, my name is Carrie. I’m new here. I lost my dad 5 years ago, it will be 6 in March. My dad passed away in the middle of the night, we found him early in the morning. I did CPR on him until paramedics came. I don’t really feel like getting into the whole story at the moment. I didn’t have restful sleep till over a year after. Recently I have been feeling similar to that time. I have been of legal age to drink since last year. I find myself drinking, not for the pleasure or over drinking but for the sleep. I’m in college and sleep is a commodity for me. I feel like I may be going through the same thing. I feel bad for talking to friends and family since it’s been so long of coping for the past 5.5 years. I don’t know what to do at this point. Most of the counselors at my school are not equip for this. I don’t know who to talk to. Any advice would help.
  2. my nan has been ill for a long time now, she had surgery to remove cancer and it worked but she's been in so much pain since that its caught up to her. She's been steadily losing weight, currently just over 6 stone fully clothed, and she's so frail its terrifying. I've always been so close to her and now I don't know what to do, I don't live close to her so I cant see her as often as I would like but at the moment she is having a lot of accidents like falling out of bed and getting hurt. She has made it clear she would never want to go to a hospice or a nursing home and we know she would die hating us if we forced her so we're in a very hard situation. I've not seen her for a few weeks due to work commitments and I feel horrible and like I'm a terrible person because if I'm honest..I'm scared. I know she had a fall recently and other family members had to phone an ambulance and my aunt was afraid to touch her as she is so skinny she doesn't want to hurt her. I'm scared to see my nan like that, she's asked other family to either downplay her situation or to just outright not tell me anything as she doesn't want to upset me being her granddaughter but I hate secrets so they have to tell me and it scares me more. Am I a horrible person? How do I face her and try and put on an act that everything is ok when I know its not?
  3. I can remember the day I found out I was pregnant clearly. I thought I had been for awhile but didn't think it could be possible I can remember thinking no I wouldn't be that lucky. Then I decided to do a test it said I was pregnant but just to be sure I thought I'd do another five tests all of them said I was preganant. I was gob-smacked I stared down at those two pink lines in disbelief I had to ask my partner if I was seeing things and he said no honey they are there those two little pink lines are there your pregnant!. Hearing those words was like music to my ears I was overwelmed. Everything was going so well I hardly no problems with the pregnancy what so ever I didn't even have morning sickness I was only sick a couple of times when the baby didn't like something. Which is why me going into labour so early was such a shock. I was 23 weeks roughly I remember I was concerned about the leaking I was experiencing. So on my break at work I called my midwife team told them all about it and my concerns. It was like someone had punched me in the chest and winded me when the midwife said " I don't want you to panic but you do have to phone your nearest hospital's labour ward and get down there immediatly you could be in early labour". I was panicking I didn't know what to do so while the people I worked with tried to calm me down my boss phoned my partner to get him to come and take me to the nearest hospital's labour ward. So as soon as he came we went to the hospital booked into the labour ward explained what was wrong and waited in the waiting room. The wait was agonising I wanted them to hurry up I want them to tell me if there was anything wrong or not was I to expect the worse or was everything ok. With a billion and one thoughts running through my head they called us in. They ran some checks I was okay my blood preasure and everything was okay so was the baby's heartbeat. It was until the did a scan that they realised the membrains or something were outside of the womb I'm a 100% sure what they ment but by the way they were talking I knew it was bad. So they admitted me to the labour ward had my bed on a angle with my feet pointing up, my head pointing down in hope to get the membrains back in the womb naturally without force because they didn't want to break my waters when it wasn't time for them to go. They were hoping to only keep me in for alittle while but after discussing the situation with many different doctors in the end they decided to keep me. I was on bed rest and given an injection in my leg to strengthen the baby's lungs should the worst happen. And I was due have the same injection the next day. But on July 4th 2013 at around 11 or 11:30 am after coughing my waters broke. I won't lie I panicked big time didn't know what to do. I was alone my partner was on his way up with clothes for me anyway but I phoned him to inform him what was going on. The nurses said no to panick too much perhaps they have broken but I'm not in labour. Oh how much I wished that to be true but something told me that the worst was going to happen. I was having uncomfortable stomach cramps which were obviously contractions but I partly didn't want to believe that they were. I was scared I was alone I have the nurses but not my partner he was on his way. Oh how I wish he would hurry up but right then the nurses came in to check on me did what they had to do to see how dilated I was. The baby's started to enter the birth canal they said there's nothing we can do to stop it your in labour now. What!? I'm not ment to it's too early I remember saying .They told me to push when I was supposed to push, I can't my partner isn't here yet is there anyway we can delay it till he's here I remember asking. But they said there wasn't anytime they couldn't do anything. So I did as I was told and I pushed it hurt like crazy but I had to push. I pushed 3 times and nothing then on the 4th push she came out a beautiful baby girl. She cried when she came out the nurses were gob-smacked they weren't expected her to be alive when she came out I suppose. They called a bunch of doctors to come a reaccess the situation. They should there watching I felt like I was on trial for something. The decision for whether or not they should put my daughter on the machines was in their hands. I held my breath wanting to scream, shout anything to make them listen to tell them to help her. But they simply shoke their heads and walked out of the room to carry on with their day. I want to scream to shout to hit them but I was in shock tired angry, upset. Then this little bundle was handed to me by a nurse who then said she was sorry she wished there was more she could do. A lot was said by the nurses but what they said became mumbles I wasn't paying attenion I was busy looking at my beautiful baby girl, Nevaeh-Marie. I decided to ignore the fact I was angry I didn't want her last memory of me to be someone who was shouting and making a fuss. I knew I didn't have long with her so I wanted to use that time wisely. I remember saying quietly and calmly it's okay mummy's here it's okay your safe. She trying hard to keep breathing love her, her little cheast was going up and down trying to breathing as much she could. She seemed scared very scared her head moving about frantically probably wondering where she was but as soon as I spoke she seemed more relaxed. And even know her eyes weren't open when she calmed down she moved her head towards me as though she was looking up at me. That's right mummy's here its alright as soon as I said that her tiny hands wrapped round my little finger as though she was saying I know your there mummy. Daddy will be here soon if you could just hang on he'll be here and just as I said that she moved her head as if she was looking round the room for him. Then her head moved back towards me her little hand not letting go of my little finger once. I felt as though we were frozen in that moment just then as she lay there looking up at me even though her eyes weren't able to open. Then all of a sudden that moment seemed to be shattered when her breathing seemed to slow right down. This can't be happening I kept repeating in my head not my little girl. I froze I had never felt so powerless so unable to do something in my entire life. This had to be some horrible nightmare I was in surely I was going to wake up soon and everything would be ok. I could not have been more wrong she was gone, my beautiful angel Nevaeh-Marie was gone. I couldn't stop the tears from flooding my face I'm not usually one to cry infront of people but that day I didn't care my baby was gone and the floods of tears were never ending. My partner was on his way but didn't know I had given birth the nurses asked if I wanted them to notify family but I wanted to do it. I couldn't bring myself to tell my partner myself so I phoned his mother and asked if she would tell him. She always passed on bad news really well to him when told about things like that by his mother he didn't freak out or lash out but when told by someone else he would I couldn't chance that. Shortly after he arrived at the hospital the nurse opened the door to him and floods of tears came over me like a waterfall I couldn't stop apologising to him even though he couldn't understand why I was apologising. For awhile we just laid there the three of us hugging. The nurse took pictures for us to remember her by. My dad then came to the hospital my partner had rung him while he was at work love him he came straight from work to be at the hospital for us. That day was the first day I had seen my dad cry he kept repeating how sorry he was and hugging me holding me tight. Then a few more of the family members from my dad's side came that day was the first day I had seen my brother cry too. That day was beautiful as well as horrible beautiful as we were blessed with beautiful baby girl. And horrible because she was taken away from us. I haven't been right since christmas isn't that far away now and I have never disliked this time of year so much before. This would have been her first christmas with her family it still will be but not the way we would like to be like. Each day brings new challenges some days are easier than others and some are harder than others. I'm finding it harder and harder to keep smiling or even to smile at all