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Found 22 results

  1. Hey, I'm not even sure what it is I'm looking for - I just know it's something. I lost my mum after a cancer diagnosis (ovarian, stage 4) It was one of the hardest things I feel I have had to deal with in all of my life. I'm 29 now and lost my mum 6 days before my 28th birthday. In the time of her battle against cancer I was married and my son arrived 7 weeks before my mum passed away. I thought I had dealt with my loss and my struggle through her illness, but I realise now I was showing the bravest face I could for all around me. I also recognise now that after mum passed away I didn't have time to grieve - my wife had post natal depression which lasted until months ago when she was able to seek help. I feel that I'm haunted by the events which I could not process at the time, I'm anxious, low in mood and feel lost. I have an overwhelming sense of worry for my family, worrying that I'll lose them too. I have to help my dad, brother and sister in lieu of my mum. I even feel that I am struggling with my job (Work with young people who are affected by substance use) - the one area of my life where I pride myself in being very strong. Again, I'm brought to the place where I'm not sure why I am writing this - I don't think I seek sympathy, but I feel like I can't cope. I'm usually good at self help - but it's getting me nowhere.
  2. Feeling so sad and alone in my grief. The trauma keeps re-playing in my mind. Feeling and worrying for a week that something was wrong when I couldn’t reach my brother and intuitively knowing he was most likely dead somewhere. I felt it in my heart. We we’re close and I don’t know how to explain that feeling of just knowing. My mind, my soul, the pit in my stomach all telling me. Asking others for help and being told “he’s probably just wanting some alone time” and “not to worry”. No one listening to me and not agreeing with me to call the police, or offering to go with me to look for him. Feeling that if I did and being told if I did, that everyone was going to be upset with me (because if he was alive and just on a binder “You’ll get him in trouble with the police and he doesn’t need that”). Me explaining and pleading that it could possibly help him get clean if the law was involved. Deciding I could no longer try and act like nothing was wrong and deciding I had to know. The drive to his apartment that night and how scared I was and then finding out what I had feared the most was true...My worst nightmare real and right in front of me. He was dead, I found him and I couldn’t help him, save him. I’m broken that he died by himself and that I had no idea he was doing heroin. HEROIN! WTF! I knew he had struggled with pills, but this?! I live out of state and so that is the only reason I feel like I missed the signs. I am trying to forgive myself for failing him and not pushing harder to do more. We got him into rehab several times over the last 10yrs, but he would leave on day 7 EVERY time. The scene was terrifying. Needles, decomposition, the screams let out by my other family member who was with me. First responders, forensics, non- chalant police officers, nosy people in the neighborhood standing outside watching everything unfold and calling others in town to tell them before even a few hours had gone by. My brother being carried out in a body bag. Being retold grim details by one officer (which I could clearly see, because I’m the one who went in to the apartment and called 911 in the first place!). So much anxiety, anger and pain in the days following from people making rumors about my brother and his life and death. I mean, how could they know anything unless they were there and saw it?! They hadn’t. Therefore, it was so disrespectful and parasitic and disgusting of them to say anything. We’re a family who is hurting and this was/ is really happening to us. Anything less than condolences is out of line. And if they knew he was in trouble, they should have done more, instead of standing around waiting for it to happen so that they could gossip about it. It sends chills up my spine knowing there are people who were in my brothers life feeding off of him and his disease. Next, funeral arrangements. Choosing an urn, music, writing an obituary. Family members being in shock and upset and taking it out on me because (and I understand this) the reality of the situation was too much to bare at that time. But someone had to make decisions and so I did. Waiting for his body to be creamated knowing I would never see his beautiful face again. He had big brown eyes and long, black eyelashes. A magnetic personality. He seemed to being doing so well the last month and when I had spoken to him on his birthday over the phone (a few days before I couldn’t reach him), he was so happy. I couldn’t wait to see him for the holiday and he called me by my nickname, teased me as usual and said I love you. I did my best to do right by my brother and make things in a way, so that it wouldn’t be so horrific for my other family members. Cleaning the scene and apartment, so that everyone wouldn’t experience what I had if they went there to help me. The insurance adjuster sent a team that didn’t do anything except remove the part of the floor where he lay in his final moments. I will never get over this. I didn’t want the way it happened, the things I had to get rid of, to overshadow the beautiful memories we had of my brother before his disease destroyed him. He didn’t want to die. Everything leading up to it in the weeks prior showed the hopes and dreams he was trying to make happen for himself. The disease was too strong. There is nothing like an unattended death and although I handled it at the time, I’m now experiencing ptsd. I feel so detached from others. It’s a victory if I can get out of bed and dressed. I don’t want to live my life without my brother and I’m not sure how I will go on this time. I’m scared. I am seeing my therapist and fighting to move forward. It’s so hard. This is the second brother I have lost. The first was to cancer 11yrs ago when he was in his early 30’s. This brother that just passed literally turned 41 a few days before his death. I used to be strong and now I feel I’m falling apart.
  3. My situation is very very difficult and it would take writing a book to get it all out so that people could understand. I will try to condense. At one time I was very close to my mother who died in October, but I had to walk away when she became very sick and started blaming me, making me her caregiver when I have a chronic illness myself. She was hostile for years, but at the end, it was out of control and it was making me sick. She would never ask my older brother for help, stating that he had a family. Nevermind that I am disabled and have a handicapped placard. When I was a child I knew my mom was difficult but just thought it was normal. She yelled at me at age 13 for being sick and coughing and vomiting at the same time. Eventually, I had to go into the hospital and was out of school for 3 months. My mom could not handle anxiety, and any stress. You weren't allowed to go to her about things. I was always called a "sensitive child." "You are too sensitive." At age 39 and her in her late 70's "This story you are telling me is boring." "You are dating someone? Don't tell me about them until you know for sure this will go somewhere. You have dated so many people!" Also, not wanting me to have a boyfriend due to it taking away from....HER. She was the caregiver to my dad who died of cancer and 6 months later in 1989, I became deathly ill with mono and hyperthyroidism. She was there in the beginning, but my illnesses that I developed quickly became too much for her to handle. I was a teenager going into my early 20's and heard how I drained her, how it made sense that my long term boyfriend broke up with me as I was "not the same girl he fell in love with." She was not supportive and then at other times would be. Years later she went to a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and narcissism. She was not told this, but I was. My mother got tired of the shrink bringing to her attention "her issues" so she stopped going. If I went to a therapist, "Do you talk about me to her or him? What do they say about me?" She became an alcoholic in her 60's. I was blamed for her drinking..."I wouldn't drink if you weren't ill. I wouldn't smoke either." Throughout all of this, I tried so hard to stay in her life and to have her as a mother, as my two siblings were and are so much older and never liked me. I was the baby (12 and 15 year age difference) and I was chronically sick with several AI diseases so they didn't like me, thought I was seeking attention and my brother in particular thought my mother spoiled me. She spoiled me by paying doctor bills. She had the money and even more importantly, my brother was well off and needed nothing (as in none of her money) and this was a constant issue with him in particular. My sister died in 2005 shifting the family dynamic and leaving me totally in charge of anything having to do with her. We shared a joint account and if she went in the hospital, it was almost expected that I was to do and be and so on. After years of this and abuse from her and my brother...I finally totally went into almost a mental nervous breakdown when in 2013, she had AFIb, an aneurysm and emphysema. For a year and a half before, my brother walked away...left me to deal with her solo therefore making me very angry because I was ill myself and then she decided to change the will and leave him hardly anything. She said she was doing this because I was ill and needed the money and he didn't, but why did she wait until age 83 to do this? I have been ill for decades. What happened next was, she almost died, he came after me about the will and she didn't want to tell him the truth. She basically was trying to throw me under the bus. To put it mildly, it was a nightmare of epic proportion. I am tiny, unwell, trying to work part time, my brother is a full on sociopath who went nuts on me. She later apologized but that was it for me. I never felt the same about her. My heart pumped ice for her and I had loved her so much in spite of everything. Having said that, I continued to do and take care of her, her finances, etc. I set up an annuity for her, I took her to the doctors and I remembered......she was not there for me when I was sick. I almost died in a hospital in California when I was 30. I was in ICU and she refused to fly to CA to be with me. I was there by myself. No family, nothing. I had strangers coming to visit. PTSD came in and I became very sick in 2015. I had to have wrist surgery and at the exact same time found out I had thyroid cancer. I decided to walk away from her and the whole family. She had become so abusive, my brother was poisoning her trying to get her to change the will, etc. I was deathly ill from the whole experience. The stress of their toxicity was enough. I had had it and decided to save myself. What a joke. When I tried to go back to her, she screamed at me. Not one family member cared that I had thyroid cancer. "So you have your thyroid removed, big deal." Both my sister and father died of cancer as well at two grandparents and one aunt and cousin. My family is cancer ridden. I stayed away from January 2017 until October of 2017. I was done. Tired of being kicked in the teeth. I let her go, them go and made peace with it to some extent, but honestly felt numb. I was in shock at how little anyone cared about me leaving and the very person who had walked away over and over again..my brother, was smearing my name to the entire family. It was absolute revenge. IF my mother did ask why I walked away and I tried to explain, it would end in her retaliating and screaming so I just said nothing. I had become silent. I had no voice. On my birthday in September, she called me twice. First time she left a message. I had blocked her from calling me. I still could see blocked messages. Never responded. Then, on October 7th, she fell and broke a femur. I was called and the hospital said she wanted me. I told them to call my brother. I had NO idea she broke a femur. A week later...she had a massive heart attack and two days later, died. I was at her bedside. She was unconscious and on a respirator. I never got the chance to say goodbye to a coherent person. I have been ostracized from the family. I was invited to the memorial and funeral but didn't go. I knew that I had been talked about so much that there was no point, plus...I was so confused about how I felt. My friend said to me, "When she was unconscious, you FINALLY got to tell her all that you felt without being interrupted." OMG..YES. Yes, to an incoherent person who's hands were tied to the bed. It was non stop tears for me at the hospital. Sobbing. I am either angry, numb or crying. This Thursday, I have to go and get the possessions that I asked for and that I was given the go to have. I was not allowed to do what I wanted the most. I wanted to go into her apartment right after her death. My asshole brother would not allow it for fear that I would steal something. My mother had very little valuables. I just wanted to sit in her place and smell her clothes. Nope. That was back in October. Nope. Didn't happen. My point is, I feel broken. I want to feel again. Feel joy. This was my first Christmas without her. Only one family member sent a card. No one else was in touch. I could care less about the immediate family. The extended, that's what hurts me. The whole thing is one big insane mess. I slept all day on Christmas Eve and Christmas I cried once and then made myself a good meal. I spent it alone out of choice. I was the one who for years had been there for her. No one else, just me. I did everything with her, for her, etc. She once exclaimed, "no one ever loved me as much as you." The irony. I am the one who walked away, stayed away and didn't come back until it was too late. I am suffering beyond belief. I have a good therapist, but honestly, nothing can really take away the pain. Heroine, maybe? Never done that drug, don't want to...but I would love to feel some sort of peace and happiness. It's only been 2 months. It feels like so long ago due to the fact that so much has happened. When I go over there this Thursday and Friday for the first time in 14 months, I will completely lose it. I hate this. I hate how this ended, how she left me, how the family has treated me and this was NEVER how I saw my mom exiting my life. I always thought I would be the one. The one there to the bitter end, by her bedside, wiping her brow. I walked away from all of that. I was the executor, POA, I walked away from it all to be free. I alleviated some stress, but not really. The stress that came in was realizing that I was not truly loved. I was just a person who only mattered as long as I was doing and taking care of everyone else. As soon as I decided to take care of myself, I was insignificant. I know that deep down my mother loved me. She had dementia at the end, but it was like her narcissism came out in full force in old age. To peace. Maybe one day. Wish me luck with getting her possessions. I want to hide them and not deal with them. No choice.
  4. Many say that growing up is never easy. And I know that that statement is true. We all have traumas that trigger our inner angst and we all may believe that these traumas are the end-all of everything - that our traumas are terrible and that no one may understand. I'm no different and I've never talked to anyone about mine - but I think that taking the time and putting it out there could be a step in the right direction for me. And if any of y'all have any advice or pointers, please let me know! It's kinda long, so bear with my whining until I decide to get a therapist. I was the child of two very different parents. My mom was a self-proclaimed "goody two shoes" and a teenmom, daughter to a self-absorbed mother and alcoholic father. My dad was a "freebird," wild child son who was fleeing his dad's death. They met, fell in love, and he took care of her and her son. He doted on them when no one else would. But they started to have problems. My dad became an alcoholic and an abuser. My mom became a narcissist. My brother was always caught in between them. But that's when I came along. I was going to fix their problems by being that bright, sunshiney child of theirs. But I didn't fix anything and my dad kept drinking and getting worse everyday. He lost his job in the economic depression and started his own haphazard business. He threw finances to the wayside. Sometimes, he would be so depressed and beat me blue. My mom was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and started cheating on my dad. She let the family go. Not me though, she threatened me and made me test out her new beau as my dad sometimes. She said she would kill herself if I told my dad she was unfaithful. My brother had long since moved away - saying he'd never come back - and he held to his promise. So most of the time, it was just me and my drunk dad. We'd cook and watch movies together because some days weren't so bad. We'd laugh and he'd love me. But something happened.In the same year, we lost our house and we almost lost my dad. He sustained a cerebral hemorrhage and we lived in the icu for several months, watching him flux. But we made due, and things changed. My mom developed untimely health problems and left her secret beau. My dad underwent massive surgeries and my mom complained about only her ailments and what stress she was under. I ate hot pockets in hospital lobbies until I graduated high school. My brother was still gone. But it got better. My dad got better. My dad lost his short term memory and many motor skills, but he was there and he had changed for the good. He didn't drink and he was dependent on my mom to help him live. She was dependent on his paycheck. She still resented him for being stuck with him though - she told him that, she told me that. They still fought and disagreed, but not so much like before. We lived and I put myself through college and we were kind of a real family - though an angry man and narcissistic mother were still present. I hung out with my dad and we got along better than ever. My mom complained about him, about me, but she tried and accepted her new life. We were kinda happy though, the three of us. Fast forward to ten years later. It was Father's Day and my dad was diagnosed with stage IV cancer. Around that same time, my mom's health took another turn. While my dad was undergoing chemo - my mom was complaining of leg pain and making him give her insulin shots "cause he's the only one that can do it." But she helped him to chemo, I tried to act like it wasn't happening and being the doting daughter, and my brother came back a little more often to help some too. On the day my dad died, I felt it in my soul. I was going to leave work early and take him to chemo. We were going to have a daddy/daughter day and I was going to sneak him some sonic ice cream. I got the call and my boss told me he went into cardiac arrest. But I knew he was gone. I got to the hospital and my mom was already there. On the day my dad died, my mom called every single person she could think of to tell them the news. We didn't talk about my dad, we didn't hug. We were in the same room and I was taking care of her, but we were a million miles away. For hours, she was on the phone to aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends, and coworkers and just crying. I sat on the couch alone next to her. I planned the funeral as my mom took up her spot and accepted everyone's condolences. No one lifted a finger to help but sure opened their mouths to say I wasn't doing something fast enough. My mom told our priest she was doing nothing with the planning and to ask her daughter for anything needed. No one in my family asked how I was handling anything, not even my mother. I cried by myself in my tiny apartment when every time I left my parents' house, which was full of strangers and no father. Now - its been a little over two months since my dad died. I know it's normal for spouses to mourn their loved ones and that it takes eons to recover. She cries all day and everyday. She barely does anything to take care of herself. She only recently started injecting her own insulin. She barely eats like she should and tells me it's because she's devastated. She refuses to take action on moving from the house where he lived and died and suffocates in her own grief. She tells everyone that will listen at the grocery store, her neighbors, friends about her grief everyday. She goes to grieving counseling and spent a week with my brother and his family. I visit quite often and call everyday. But we don't understand and will never understand because she lost her husband. It's more than a dad, more than a friend, more than a son, more than anything to her. I understand that. But. She fights with me when I ask her if she cares for herself or bring up anything at all. I never say "don't cry," but she always acts like I'm saying that when the words are actually "let's go get some Mexican food." She lashes out at me for being at work and not being able to answer my phone since my phone is in my desk. She calls once and voices that she's angry and that she can't tell me why she's crying right away. She says she wants to die. I love her but I need her and I need some help being a caregiver, because I feel like I suck. She's narcissistic, sure, but she has to be missing him greatly and they were together for forever. But I feel alone and against the world like many people do going through this and I just don't like it - especially with absent mother, absent family, absent friends and lover, and gone-forever father. I really miss my dad so much and I already don't know how to cope with his loss. But dealing with all of this seems so impossible - especially on top of dealing with a mother who wants to stay in her head and be unloving. Sometimes I feel like we'll be stuck like this. But I don't know what to do. But what do you do?
  5. Big Brother Passes

    Hello, my name is Zain. I am 15. Three days ago I lost my brother. He was 19. For those of you who have watched the film Big Hero 6. My life up to now is much like that. We shared many common interests, I aspired to be like him and from what I have heard he looked up to me. He passed away leaving me lost and unsure. I'm still in that stage I believe and will be for a long time. I'm finding it difficult to cope and spend long amounts of time just sat in his room looking at all the stuff he loved and rembering all the things we used to do there when we were younger, I remember playing pokemon with him for hours on end while sat on his bed drinking apple juice and eating pancakes. I'm just sad that he passed so quickly, I never got to say good bye. I don't see how I can continue my life without the guidance of him, I saw him as an idol and an extremely inspirational figure. I think the hardest times are going to be Christmas, his birthdays and any holidays we have without him. Thank you for reading this, the reason I joined this forum is because I think sharing my experiences with people who are struggling the same will make me feel less alone in my struggle.
  6. I never imagined to be typing words on a grieving support group site today... July 27, 2017, A day I will never forget. The day I lost my mother to death. You know what pains me the most? The fact that she died alone in our room. I am an only child, 27 years of age and my father passed away on October 20, 1989. I was born on October 15, 1989, therefore I was only a mere 5 day old infant when I lost him to death. Basically, my whole life is just my Mama and I. She took care of me, educated me, fed me, gave me EVERYTHING, did EVERYTHING. She sacrificed 27 years of her life for me. I saw the moments of hardships, pains, and disappointments she endured just to give me a life that is comfortable. We would always go to bed at night and watch music videos of my favorite artists, or watch her favorite movies. We would laugh and cry together while watching, haha. Days before she died, she told me she was not feeling well. We were eating then and after she finished her meal, she suddenly felt not too good. She lied down on the bed and rested. For the first time, we didn't watch any videos because she rested instead. I was worried, but not too much as I thought it was a simple flu. I gave her meds when she woke up, even talked to her. She said she is going to be fine anyway so no need to get so worked up. Next day, I went to work. I couldn't leave her because it felt like my feet were too heavy. She said she was fine and just needed a cold glass of water, which I gave her. She told me "Go, or you'll be late", and I did go. That was the biggest regret of my life. If onlys and what ifs filled my existence now. If only i didn't leave, If only I had taken the initiative to call a doctor, if only I called an ambulance, If only I was by her side before she took her last breath. I was worried the whole day at work. It's like something is bothering me for some odd reason. I decided to take an early out at work. I needed to go home that's what I thought. I passed by a vendor who sells banana cue (it's a popular snack in the Philippines, it's basically sweetened bananas on a stick), it was her favorite snack and figured she will be happy if I buy three sticks of it for her. I went home and it's like time suddenly became so slow. I unlocked the door and I saw what will be the biggest nightmare in my life. I...saw my mother, leaning on the side of the bed, frozen and not breathing. I literally just looked at her. I did not know what to do. After a minute or two, panic sets in and I saw my hands shaking while dialing the numbers on my mobile phone. My phone even froze on me and I screamed the biggest curse I have ever said in my entire life. Minutes after, Medics came in, saying no heartbeat and no pulse. Nothing. She might have died at around 9AM. I saw her at 4:24 PM. Upon hearing what the medics said, I shook her, I poured water on her face, I slap her, I beat her chest, EVERYTHING out of desperation. I then broke down and cried. The reality slowly creeping on me that YES, she is gone, Christine. Our lives together suddenly flashed in front of me. I couldn't even grieve properly because I have to process her death certificate and cremation permit file the next day. Who would have thought I would process that damn death certificate?! I was angry and bitter. It felt unfair. She, at the age of 54, died of a heart attack. That's what the coroner said. Up until this day, my head is still swimming around that day when I found her body. I still work, eat, take a bath, doing what Humans normally do but it all felt pointless now. Waking up everyday is a pain. The only motivation I have is that I know my mother wouldn't want me to waste my life away. She suffered 27 years and for me to just throw that all away is like being an ungrateful child. The least I can do to her is show her that her sacrifices didn't end up to nothing. I guess this void in my heart will always be in here now no matter what. I'd be happy one minute, but sad the next. I know time will heal me, but I also know it wouldn't heal me completely.
  7. November 18th, 2014 my mom picked me up from my overnight shift at 7 a.m at Wal-Mart... as we were driving she asked if I "wanted to go to her house or be dropped off at mine" I told her i would go to her house because I wanted to cook dinner when she got off work at 4... I didn't think that would be the last time I saw my mom. I didn't think that kiss on the cheek and "I love you and I'll see you later" would be the last time I really saw her... I went inside that morning and went to sleep on her side of the bed. Only to be awoken by my brother and dad who flown into the room in tears to tell me the horrible news... that my mom passed away at work due to a massive heart attack.... It's been a little over 2 years and I still feel like it happened yesterday. I feel the wind get knocked out of me every time I think of her. Or every time I think about the "what ifs..." I miss her so much it kills me inside. Since her death I've gained 80 pounds and my life has gone completely down hill. I don't have much of a family and what little family I do have, doesn't cope the same way I do. My father is an extreme drunk and my older sister is a heroin addict who gave birth to a baby boy that I now have custody of. I just wish my mom was here and I don't know how to deal with the pain of knowing I'll never see her again.. It eats me alive every single day.
  8. Loss of my Cat

    I am really struggling with the death of my 15 year old cat, Moo. I made the choice to put him down on Wednesday after a long happy life together. We were best friends. I got him for my tenth birthday, we did everything together. I knew he had kidney disease, but I had him on a special diet and medication until he started bleeding from his back end on Tuesday. We went to the vet and he told me it would cost thousands to just figure out what exactly was causing him so much discomfort. He stopped eating, drinking. But part of me still thinks I made a horrible choice to end his life. He wasn't looking good but I keep thinking, what if he got better. The vet gave me an option to take him home for a few weeks with new medication, but it likely wouldn't have worked. I feel so guilty for it. What if he had more time here and I took it away from him. The thought of never seeing him again kills me. If anyone has any advice, it might help me...
  9. Hi, I recently lost my grandmother. She was old and fragile, and I was worried about her for months. I had been taking care of her but I never thought this would happen so soon. I don't think you can really prepare for death. I know that everyone dies, but I find it so hard to accept. She was very generous to everyone, which makes her loss so difficult. Unfortunately they are located so far away they haven't been able to see her. She was in no condition to travel. I am trying to keep it together, but I feel so incredibly empty. I don't have much desire for life, but I had been struggling with that for my whole life anyway. I have been depressed before, and I believe I have social anxiety to some extent. I don't have many friends, so I find this all extremely overwhelming. I hope I can move on somehow. I am avoidant and it is hard to connect with people. Thanks for reading.
  10. My mother died on December 26th, 2016. She was only 66 years old, She died of COPD. We weren't really close, she was a difficult woman. Whenever we were together we would fight, Its been that way since I was a child. I did love her though and she did love me in her own way. The last words she ever said to me in person was "get out" I did talk with her on the phone one time a few months before she died, she was kind of out of it . she told me she didn't blame me for "disappearing" after everything that happened between us. I still stayed away after that worried that I would upset her. when she was more in her right mind she tried to contact me but the one person who had my phone number gave her the wrong number on purpose. so for over a year she tried but I never got her message. I don't really have a social media presence so I guess I am kind of hard to find. our relationship was always off and on though. it was normal for us to go years without speaking. its so sad, such a waste of time. truth be told we were both sort of petty and very stubborn. the family members who looked out for her were cruel to her in her last days. they were penny pinching (with her money) they wouldn't pay for necessary medical stuff to keep her comfortable ,they cut off her cable tv, and even her last wishes in regard's to her burial weren't respected. to add insult to injury not 2 hours after she was buried they were over at her farm taking stuff, trying to at least. I stopped them in their tracks, when I called the cops on them ! I am now fighting with those ghouls over her estate. its not about the money or even the property. its about her wishes, she wouldn't have wanted them to see one red cent ! she wanted her place turned into an animal shelter for large animals (horses, goats, ect) and I intend on fallowing through with her wishes. its kind of my way to make amends. I try to remember what little good times we had but for every good one ten bag ones come flooding back as well. I love her and I hate her. I keep having the same reoccurring nightmare every single night. I dream that I am standing by her grave and for some reason I am overcome with a strange clusterphobic feeling and then I envision her buried alive, stuck 6 feet underground in her casket. then I wake up. I haven't slept in a week and time seems to have slowed to a crawl. do any of you guys suffered from reoccurring nightmares as well? how do you deal with mourning someone you've had a rocky relationship with? I noticed there seems to be very few books written about this kinda stuff. I feel so overwhelmed and tired both emotionally and physically. she is really all I can think about these days.
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  12. It's been just over two years now since my dad passed away and it hurts the same everyday that goes by, the pain doesn't get any easier and little things I see related to him just remind me of him so much and absolutely kills me inside. The biggest regret I have which burns me inside was that the last night before he passed away he waited up for me till 4am but I didn't come home till 6am because I had a stupid argument with my friend and after coming home I didn't kiss him good night as I used to then at 8am all I heard was my sister screaming that he wouldn't wake up and when I ran downstairs there he was asleep straight up on the sofa. He passed away a week and a half after my 20th birthday and I find it so hard to move on, I still get flashbacks of doing chest compressions on him, the ambulance responder using the electric machine which made my dad's body jump in the air, it all still haunts me and when I sit in that room I can picture my dad infront of me. The bubbly, happy man who always made me happy and never said no to me is no longer here and I always feel like it'd my fault for not being a better son and providing him with the pride he deserveed such as me getting my first job, passing my driving. I did all this after he passed away and it eats at me that he raised me for 20 years and just as I was getting to the point of being able to show him his hard work wasn't in vein and now he left me. Life doesn't feel the same anymore but I try my best to be there for my mum and younger sister. :’(
  13. My cat Trace crossed over today

    My best friend died today. He was a 16 year old Tuxedo cat, who was just full of life, and exuded joy. I am not a young man, soon to retire, and Trace was going to be my retirement buddy. Many a nights we spent on my Lay Z boy, hanging out, watching tv,my pal contently purring as I would read the latest crime novel or do a crossword puzzle. I got Trace after 911. He kept my other cat Cyrus company for a few years before Cyrus had to be put to sleep from a urinary disease. Trace would always cry when I left for work and enthusiastically meet me crying at my door. On my hour drive home from work, however grueling my day was I could always depend on him to warmly be there for me unconditionally. When my mother and father passed, he was my sounding board, and when my lady friend died a horrible death, he kept me company and gave me the courage to go on. A few years ago I got a diagnosis that was devastating but he helped me through the scary times, other friends passing, job stress, and horrible anxiety. I loved this little guy. About a month ago, he started limping and the vet said it was just arthritis, and put him on a steroid. A week later he started not eating and right about the same time his 19 pounds seemed to be quickly falling away. I took him to the vet and his blood work was good- no chronic anything diabetes, dental issues, etc, and was given an antibiotic. But he appeared like eating was painful for him and he would curl his head around, have trouble keeping food in him mouth and had little or no appetite. A couple more vet trips occurred, shots, appetite stimulants, but he continued to struggle. He then started to cry non stop this past weekend, and I held him most of Saturday and Sunday. He seemed to make an odd sound like metal connecting to metal when he was eating. I would massage his gums, and he would let me. He weighed 14 pounds, had lost about 5 I prayed to God that he would get better and somehow I knew during this whole month that something was really wrong with my boy, On Sunday night, he stopped crying, and was very quiet and content it appeared. About 3:30 in the morning he jumped on my bed, and snuggled up with me like he had done before, and I noticed when I got up for a bathroom run that he had eaten. I was sure God had answered my prayer. He only stayed a few minutes loving me and then left the room When I got up at 6:30, he was in bad shape, looked confused, would not eat a thing, crying constantly. I called the vet and he said even though they did not know what was really wrong with him, that he was 16 years and he was not going to get that much better, and that putting him down would be compassionate. I went to the vet and they very sweetly euthanized him in my arms, I couldn't bear to see my friend suffer in this life. I have had many cats over the years and been through this before. But for some reason, this time my heart feels like it is broken. It has only been 1 day, but I cannot stop crying. I went to work after he passed and I cried all day in my cubicle and tonight my apartment feels so lonely. I think he rebounded for those hours to tell me it was ok and to tell me he loved me. But my heart hurts. I never thought a cat could bring me such grief, and also such joy. I want to remember the good times, but the pain is bad and I feel so alone without my buddy.
  14. My beloved dad passed away almost six months ago, two days after Christmas, 2014. We were very close. My father was my best friend and my hero. I was his only child and his caregiver. He raised me by himself after my parents divorced when I was five years old. For most of the last thirty years I was a caregiver for four elderly relatives in succession, so I stayed home a lot. My dad and I lived in the same house for 55 years. In the last 14 years we were together almost 24/7. It feels like my own life ended with his, because our lives were so intertwined for all those years. And yet, when I look back, I can't believe all the time that has passed. The years passed too quickly. There were so many things I had hoped to do for and with my father, but we ran out of time. Almost every happiness I experienced was associated with him in some way. I grew up surrounded by lots of relatives and friends. Now most of my friends and relatives have died or moved away. For the first time in my life I am alone, no husband, no children, not even a boyfriend. I've never felt such intense loneliness and sadness before. I have tried to make new friends, but the more people I meet, the more I miss my dad, because no one is as kind, generous and considerate as he was. My father taught me to like the things he liked, especially movies and music. Through the years we watched and listened to thousands of films and songs, especially classic films and vintage pop music of the '20's and 30's. Now when I think of our favorite films and songs, I'm filled with sadness and longing. I think of how I'll never be able to watch a favorite film or listen to music with him again. Movies and music used to be our refuge from the worries and sadness of life. The very things that used to comfort me and make me happy now make me sad. Most people don't share my interests, so I feel very isolated. Not much of anything interests me anymore. I don't want to abandon the interests I shared with my father, but it's so painful to think about even the happy memories of my dad. "There is no greater sorrow than to recall a happy time when miserable." -- Dante. I feel so miserable. It happened so fast. My father had been through crises before, but his will to live always pulled him through. It would take too long to describe all the medical things that went wrong, which make me think the hospital wanted him to die. He was 86 and had been sick for a long time, but his death still came as a terrible shock to me. I loved him more than anything in this world, and he knew it, but I still think of times when I wasn't as kind to him as I should have been. I always asked for his forgiveness right away, but I wish I hadn't complained about things so much to him. Compared to the way I feel now, I was in the seventh heaven back then. There were always problems I had to discuss with him, from crooked contractors to inept lawyers to false friends and envious relatives. Our escape from reality were films and music. I practically sacrificed my life for my dad, but I still feel I didn't do enough for him. He was such a good person, so humble, patient and considerate. In his younger days, he was strong, handsome and as chivalrous as they come.. I always felt safe in his presence, even after he could no longer physically protect me. I was so proud of my dad. He never finished high school, but he had more class in his little finger than some people have in their whole body. People say I will get used to living alone, but will I get used to being unhappy? I never realized before just how dependent my happiness was on my father. I know my presence was a comfort to him, too. I helped save his life more than once, but there were times he was alone in the hospital, because I had to sleep and there was no one to cover for me. I thought he would be watched over in the ICU, but twice I found him in distress with no one helping him. It broke my heart to see my normally stoic father beg for air, water and God's mercy. Then when he saw me, he thanked me so profusely. From that point, I knew I could not leave him by himself anymore. But by then it was too late. Once they put him on the morphine drip and removed the nasal gastric feeding tube, it helped with his breathing and for a brief while he was his normal, calm self, until he drifted off into unconsciousness. Those last images of him relaxed and calm save my sanity. I then watched him die for 36 hours straight in Comfort Care from respiratory failure. They say he didn't suffer, but his labored breathing looked uncomfortable. Sometimes his furrowed brow made it look like he wanted to wake up. As I kept vigil by his bedside, I finally nodded off to sleep in the chair. Then he took his last breath. It's as if my father had waited for me to fall sleep before he left this world. I was lucky to have had my father with me for as long as I did, but even at age 56, I feel like a orphan, alone and lost in the world. My mother died just two months before my dad, but she didn't raise me. The grief for my father is much worse, because I was with him my whole life. My life seems so empty now. People tell me to keep busy, but I still think about him, no matter what I'm doing. Some activities make me think about him even more, such as working in the garden. I feel I should have treated him like the rare treasure that he was, and not spent so much time on my hobbies. I should have cherished every last moment with him. There were quiet times, when we'd be resting on the couch, when I did cherish our time together, even if we didn't say a word to each other. I thought he had a few years left. I'd give up everything I have just to spend one more hour with him, an hour where we could still talk and laugh as if we didn't have a care in the world, like in the good old days. I'm not sleeping well. It was a struggle to wean myself off of Ambien and then Ativan. I barely have enough energy to wash the dishes and do the laundry. I still have to do most of the same mundane chores I did before, but now without the joy of my dad's company. Even taking the garbage out and making a grocery shopping list was more fun when he was around. When you've been happy with someone all your life, how can you go on without them? I have lost loved ones before, but I always had my dad to give me moral support. Now there is no one in the world who loves me. There are people who like me, but it's not the same as having a parent, a child, a sibling or a partner who really cares about me. Then I feel so sorry for my father, that he didn't get to do a lot of the fun things that most people do. Partly it was his choice. He was happiest at home, but I feel like he short-changed himself. I haven't had the most fun life either, as a caregiver all those years, but at least my life had a purpose and I was with people I loved every day. Life without love is no life at all! Now I have the time and freedom to do fun things, but they aren't fun anymore, because I miss my dad. I keep seeing things he would have liked and I wish so much he could see them. Sometimes I wonder if he is in heaven seeing wonderful things and wishing I could see them, too.
  15. I have been following grieving.com on Facebook ever since I discovered it a couple of months back in the middle of the year while I was coping with my mom's passing. She was 69 and her death came as a shock to the entire family as she was hardly sick and was never once admitted to the hospital before for as long as I can remember. Then came one day on May 13, she was complaining of tummy bloatedness and we admitted her to the hospital immediately. They found a mass in her uterus but what unfolded after that was more dreadful discoveries. She had tumour in her rectum and the hospital was running one test after another to determine her primary cancer. However, she couldn't wait no more. She had an episode of sepsis when her colon ruptured on 28 May and the faecal matters entered her blood stream. She fell into a coma and never woke up. She finally left us on 30 may. It was a rude shock for the family having no time at all to react much. We didn't have a chance to care for her and take care of her like how other children could, taking care of their elderly parents. It's been months and I found comfort reading the postings on grieving.com to ease the pain at time. Recently, I took up the courage to enter a photo competition organised by a local cafe with the theme "making a difference". I had to submit a selfie taken with someone who made a difference in my life. I submitted a photo of mom and me, the one and only selfie that I had with her. I hope to win this contest in memory of my mom. This is my little way of managing my grief and also remember her. I wonder if I could trouble all of you to help support my effort? It is really simple. All you need to do is to like the organiser's page on FB and like my photo on FB. Below are the links. Step one- Like Cedele's FB page https://www.facebook.com/cedelesingapore Step two- Like my photo (Finalist 1) https://www.facebook.com/cedelesingapore/photos/ms.c.eJxl0MkRwCAMQ9GOMpY3TP~_NZblkkK5v~_MYAQ~;kUYhlsEn3hF8s4pPfeLEPVIyliXPXwmbcjWYc8RTnPKalKNix5RYKraJFicdnZ5fZwkjGZ099v3BcITAc~-.bps.a.10152851367913416/10152851369328416/?type=1&theater Once again, thank you for reading my lengthy post. Sometimes, sharing our thoughts and feelings is also a way of managing our grief. May you all find strength to go through the difficult episode you are facing and we will definitely meet our loved ones again someday. Hugs and kisses from Singapore
  16. My mother is the strongest, most funniest, most craziest person I know. At one point she stood 230 pounds and didn't mess around. You see my mother is from Jamaica and you can see and hear her coming. Today my mother shrunk down to a whopping 150 pounds if that. She is so quiet and medicated and it is so sad. Now when I see her she is the total opposite of what I remembered. You see my mother is dying of bladder cancer, the doctors gave her 6 months if that. I am pissed off, angry, upset and teary eyed. This past weekend, I had to make the decision to put my mother in hospice care. I don't think I will ever get over the guilt, sadness and pain of making such a decision. Many years ago my mother battled leukemia and won, today not so much. I believe for awhile I've been in denial but today not so much. In the past few days I have lashed out on everyone including my sister, I have told her I will disown her after my mother passes. I am angry. I know that I will lose my lover, my friends and some business due to this process. I am not doing well. I am crying so much, not eating and not sleeping, sometimes I cannot even breathe. Basically right now I hate everything and everyone. I know that I will never be the same, I am sick of people telling me "Be Strong" I can't. I really can't and I want to. Currently I know if I don't get some control I could possibly have a heart-attack that's how much pain I am in. I don't know what to do. I just don't.
  17. Loss due to Divorce

    I feel a little guilty posting because it seems that most posts are from partners passing away. Im having a really hard time accepting my divorce that was filed by my ex-wife. I miss her, my kids, being a family, my house and just overall being married. I feel like someone pressed the reset button on my life and I'm 40….dont like it at all! Im trying to get over it and suck it up so to speak….some days are good some are horrible. Anybody have any suggestions that may help?
  18. Hello everyone: It has been 3 years and 8 months since my little boy Kaiden moved on to be with God. His death has changed our family forever. There are times when I just sit and wonder what Kaiden would be like right now. Tears just seems to roll as I ponder about his short life. But I do understand why God let things happen the way it does. Please pray for my family. Especially for my wife as she tries to be strong but sometimes just don't have the strength when it comes to dealing with Kaiden's death. Al.
  19. Grieving Never Ends

    I know now that my grief on losing siblings will never end. It hasn't, not in years. It changes, and sometimes it doesn't visit until I lie down to sleep at night. Some days, it seems to have lifted and I can feel happy and content, remembering them, feeling the love they had felt for me and then, often, dreaming about them too helps. But sudden tears happen at odd times, without even having knowingly thought about how much I miss them. The feeling of no longer quite belonging to this world, since we three were so close, and I have never felt as close to anyone else. I know I never will. Intimacy, the closeness of complete trust and open-hearted love, unconditionally, was the bedrock of our relationships. Siblings are the only ones we expect to accompany us all throughout life, after all. The only ones who've known and loved us as children or babies, teenhood, and through life's phases. The ones who are supposed to be there in the future, through old age. It feels like the gravity is missing and I'm just floating through some kind of dimension, not like the full-fledged real life I had before. I feel isolated, like there is no one I can call, not ever again, who will truly connect with me on a soul-level. The "survivor guilt" is a part of this loss, I suppose, but it's really more of a feeling that nothing is right, nothing feels complete, and I just feel lost. It does not get better with time, although grief shifts and changes in it's expression and in intensity. It's always there and happiness is never going to be as complete again. This much I know. I accept it. But the sadness seems unbearable sometimes, and I'm glad I have found your forum. Only those who have lost siblings truly understand.
  20. When Lily died I missed her with all my heart and soul; but I wasn't lonely. I still had my husband. Our conversations filled in some of the gaps in my life that being without Lily left behind. Recently, however, I have been without my husband. I still have Summer and Riley to play with during the day but in the evenings I am struck with a new and unnervingly overwhelming feeling of loneliness. After losing Lily and the trauma of watching her go through chemotherapy and having my own traumatic miscarriage during that time, I have recently wondered why I would need to endure more heartache? Surely I had had my fill of grief and the sun was just going to shine on me for the rest of my days. The other night, amidst my tears and anguish and panic, I realised that it was perhaps just another layer of grief that I am meant to come to understand. How can I truly help others if I don't understand the fullness of what they are experiencing? Loneliness is quiet and still. But do you know what else is in the quietness and stillness? Lily. My lovely Lily. So I decided that this loneliness I feel is to be replaced with "Lily time". Now, I sit and contemplate Lily. I talk to her and I wait for her essence to arrive. Then I listen to what she has to say to me. Now I'm not lonely anymore. Lots of love
  21. I lost both brother in 2009 from heart disease, my sister passed away from cancer in 2005 and my mother recently passed away in December 2012 of Heart Disease as well... Pure depression...It's such a struggle...
  22. Help

    I am new to this, but I need someone to talk to who understands what im going through. My dad died on the 17th of july, i cant stop thinking about watching him die, i miss him so much and didnt get a chance to say goodbye, i feel guilty for not helping him when I realised he was in trouble anyone been through similar? Louise
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