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Found 25 results

  1. I am heartbroken. I am 31 years old and I lost my mother a month ago on 1/7/18. It was sudden and unexpected. She was vacationing in Colombia with my family who lives there. Somehow during the holidays she contracted meningitis and was gone within a week of feeling ill. It was so hard because no one knew what was really going on with her until it was too late. I was unable to make it to her in time due to Avianca airlines canceling my and my sisters flights. I had to have doctors disconnect her from life support via facetime. That was how I had to say goodbye to my mom. The images of seeing the doctors turn off the machines replay over and over in my mind. I begged her to forgive me for not being there to say goodbye to her. I have this incredible sense of guilt because I encouraged her to go to Colombia for the holidays. I also feel guilt because had she stayed here in the U.S. she would still be alive for me to hold her, kiss her, joke with her, hug her even as silly as it sounds, fight with her. There is also the guilt over feeling like more could have been done for her. I work in a hospital and I feel I could have had a trove of doctors and specialists do everything humanly possible to save her. I don’t feel like the doctors in Colombia caught on to what was happening with her fast enough. Maybe its just me telling myself that but it’s how I feel. And then last week, on the 28th I lose my dad... He had been living with COPD for the last couple of years but on the day my mom passed away I was given the news that my dad was at end stage lung disease and that they also found cancer in his lungs. It killed me because while my parents were estranged it would have destroyed my dad to learn my mom had died. Were given less than a week or two before he would pass. It was a nightmare after another. I kept the news of my mom from him untill before he passed away. I wanted him to know that my mom would be waiting for him once he was ready to let go. He passed away two hours after I let him know. I was able to be there for my dad they way I wasn’t able to for my mom. And that too kills me. There is so much more that I can write but I can’t because all I do is cry as I do. I am devastated. I feel as if this is not really happening. As if it was a figment of my imagination or a bad dream I will wake up from. But then as I wake up to another day I have to face the fact that they are both gone. Pratically in the blink of an eye. I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel as if my heart is physically breaking. The sorrow is indescribable. While its four of us sisters who lost our parents I feel so alone. I can barely face a day more without my parents and thinking that I have the rest of my life ahead of me to face without them is almost unbearable. I don’t know what else to do but cry and cry and cry.
  2. Struggling with the loss of my Cat

    My baby Marley was taken from me on Saturday night 27/01/18. He was a big ginger tom cat and he was the sweetest lovliest boy ever who always had so much love for everyone. I am heartbroken. Part of what I am really struggling to come to terms with is the circumstances of his passing. He was a normal happy healthy chap, about 10-11 years old but spent most days out playing and exploring. I heard him come through the cat flap at about 8pm just as I was hopping into the shower. When i got out about 10 minutes later, I went into my bedroom and found poor Marley lying on the floor on his side, panting/ unable to get his breath and his tongue sticking out. He seemed quite calm however i got on the phone to the emergency vet and asked them what i could do. They said to bring him in straight away. I quickly got dressed, keeping an eye on him but he got worse. I quickly googled what to (i thought he was choking) and i followed instructions on the Heimlich manouver, and tried to look down his throat to see if anything was there. Both of these failed and i could see poor Marley getting more distressed. He ran downstairs and hid under the coffee table, which I felt was a bad sign. I went to get the cat carrier, however he was so adamant to lie on his side that he wouldnt fit comfortable in there. I decided to just scoop him up in a blanket, as by now i could see a bit of blood coming from his mouth and he was crying in pain I cuddled him in the blanket and rushed out to the car, however i made it as far as the driveway and I felt him take one last breath and then he went all limp in my arms. I was heartbroken. I continued my journey to the vets however as I naively thought they could still help him but of course it was too late. I am racked with guilt and doubt. Could I have saved him? Had I not jumped in the shower when I heard him come in, could I have had more of a chance to save him? Had I not wasted time and got him straight in the car when I saw how he was would he have had a chance? Part of the problem is not knowing his cause of death. The vet did not charge me and therefore did not perform a proper examination, however he did suggest it was most likely a heart problem judging by what I said. However these niggling thoughts still bother me. Did I close the food bin properly? Could he have gotten in and chewed on the lamb bones I had Friday night? If I had carried on with the heimlich manouver would he still be here? These horrible thoughts are killing me and I feel so distraught. I miss my baby so much and I feel like I failed him. He ran to me for help but there was nothing I could do. It is hard enough coping with the loss of a pet under any circumstance, i have unfortunately lost a few fur babies in my life. However this loss is by far the most traumatic and I feel like I will never be happy again.
  3. I want my cat back...

    I want my little boy back. I feel like I'm two years old instead of 21 because I keep crying and complaining that he's not here. Every time I come home a little part of me expects that he's going to be there but I'm always so disappointed. One of my neighbors that I don't get to see often asked me how he was and I had to excuse myself to go cry for an hour. How is he doing? I have no idea. I miss him so much, and I just can't believe he's gone. I seriously wish that these past two months didn't happen and that this was all a dream. How can he be gone? My little ray of sunshine and happiness. I wish I could hold him just one more time. I'm sure everyone says that. It's just so hard not to have him here to lay down on my arm/hand or rub his face all over mine when I'm sleeping. He loved me so much but now he's gone, and I am alone.
  4. Good Morning I am new here and wanted to know from those that have experienced a parent passing, some suggestions to ease the pain (I know it won't go away entirely). Dad passed away 23rd January and as a family, we are heading away to spend a long weekend together over the anniversary. I am wanting to know if the first anniversary is normal to experience more pain/sorrow than I have felt over the last few months. While Christmas, Dad's birthday, my birthday was very hard, I am finding approaching the year anniversary very very hard. Also, has anyone experienced the need to save anything in the way of insects etc and not wanting to kill anything? I cry if I accidently kill a spider/or see a dead bird. I mean it is silly sounding I know but very on edge. I have been relatively okay over the last year, had moments of terrible grief but then move forward ever so slightly. Regards Pippynz
  5. My painful truth!

    Tonight, oh this very cold and lonely night for me. I sit by my computer pouring out my feelings. It's been four months since my boyfriend Scott left my side. I still can't believe he is gone. All these four months I've been battling with random sadness. The first month which was September was exhausting! I would cry every morning and night. I was reading some article it said you cry so much you run out of tears! I ran out of tears several times, its very true. The second month October, I thought I was doing better or so I thought! I was able to smile and my heart did not feel as heavy. I lasted only a week and than I started sobbing one night. I cried once or twice a week. I reread our messages, listen to his voicemails and look at his pictures and as weird as this sounds I get tired of it and fall asleep! I can't believe I get tired of looking at his stuff?! It's probably because I cry non-stop! The third month November, I did the same thing. I cried every night, looked at his things and went to sleep. I kept thinking about Christmas and I wasn't as excited for Christmas. Finally December the fourth month, I kept thinking about him during Christmas. I still cried every night, wish he was here to hug me and to tell me its going to be alright. I noticed that I didn't see him in my dreams as much. And I hate that because we can communicate through my dreams. When I dream about Scott it feels like he is still alive. I want to be the old happy person I was. I know that I won't be the same because there is an enormous wound inside my heart that only he can cure! His return is my cure, my happiness but I know it is impossible. So, here I am sad, cold and lonely wishing upon him. As I was brainstorming I thought I was going to be okay and not cry while typing. Currently, I'm wiping the tears out of my eyes because I keep thinking and remembering him. I cry in silence because I don't like telling people I'm crying for him. I do express that I miss him but crying in silence feels more comfortable. I try to find comfort, however knowing he is not around breaks me into pieces and I'm back to square one. I'm writing down the good times we had. This way I will never forget him! I have become a quirky person I like, reading Buddhist quotes, talking about ghost, talking about death, and going to spiritual stores. If a dog barks at me my first thought is Scott must be near me! HAHA, I am so ridiculous! Thank you for reading my sorrowful story! Here's a bittersweet quote I want to share with everyone: " Life asked death, "Why do people love me but hate you?" death responded, "Because you are a beautiful lie and I am a painful truth""
  6. My girlfriend just passed away

    My girlfriend and I met in late may of 2017, and we hit it off , we clicked, it was her first relationship and mine too, we had not been with any other person before us. We got really close , we cared for each other we loved each other....I will always say "I love you so much babe" and she would always say " I love you plenty " but I knew she really did love me so much. As we got closer we shared our secrets to each other, it was so perfect like a match really made in heaven. I knew I always wanted to be with her always. She gave me inner peace and peace of mind and I always told her that, and she told me that she never wanted anything to come between us. She ways definitely my bbestfriend and buddy.. we would talk everyday on the phone when we were apart ....I mean we spoke morning, afternoon and night. One day she revealed to me that she was sickle cell , that she had SS genotype after I noticed her falling ill quite regularly, after she told me this I looked at her into her eyes the next morning and I felt so sorry for her and I teared a little while I gazed into her eyes which was quite green cos she had jaundice as well. I took it upon myself that what she needed in this life is definitely love and genuine love . From that point I put her health condition to side and I never brought it up ...I would always tell her I love her and would not leave her because she started to feel I would leave her because of her health. She trusted me with it and I loved her really with my soul, she really tapped into my soul. As our relationship went on she feel ill from time to time and I noticed she wasn't so proactive about her health as someone with that illness would be...but she never wanted it to bother me and she would get upset when I get so emotional about it...so I slowed down about the health issues. Couple days before she died she fell ill with herpartitis and it was so high .....I remember one of our last conversations about her health where I got mad for her vomiting in her room and no one was there and she told me that I need to stop worrying so much that it was not as if she was dying or something.....and she told me that she appreciated me for standing with her through her illness without running away or leaving her...I mean how could i....I loved her so much. On the 13th of November 2017 I had tried calling her throughout the day and her phone was switched off...so later at night she called me around 10pm and said she was at the hospital.....I tried to stay calm due to our previous discussion about her health and acted so calm telling her she was gonna be fine and stuff like that...then I wanted to talk more to her ...ask her how her day was..then she told me that she didn't want to talk ....she just wanted to reach out to me after a whole day of no conversation....so I said I was gonna call her back but she didn't not reply me ....so I felt she probably didn't hear me and dropped the call since she was not so well at that moment. So I called her line like an hour later but it was switched off again ....so for the second time I said a prayer for her before I went to bed ....that was our last conversation on the phone....on the 14th the next day I receive a call from her sister telling me to be strong and that she was already dead as at the early hours of 2 am ....I felt so shut down that day I cried in pain...even some days later.....I was also completing my last exams in college the day she was buried..it was such a bitter graduation for me...I also did not get to see her lying in state as well....I miss my baby so much she was all that to me and the favorite in her family....she was so precious to me .....I think of her every time even when I try to exercise to get my mind off a little bit...I feel so heartbroken and sorrowful about her and she was just 18 years while I'm 22 years old...I was kind of like a brother a friend and her lover too.... LOVE YOU SO MUCH BABY......YOU WERE DEFINITELY WORTH EVERYTHING TO ME RIP Sophia....see you again
  7. A desperate wish...

    I was a normal quiet girl before I met him. I hadn't dated anyone since 2011 nor did I care or even thought about dating. I met him at work on a chilly November 2016 evening. I thought he was a strange man when I first saw him but I am a strange person myself. Up till February 2017 he was just another co-worker who I hardly notice. One day another co-worker pointed out he was a drug addict. For some reason, I paid more attention to him after that. I've always been a brave girl with no regrets. So, I went up to him and asked him if he was a drug addict. My question threw him off, he wasn't expecting it. He nod his head with a smile and answered "no". At the time I don't blame him for lying, I was just a weirdo asking him an uncomfortable question. To make it clear, he was a heroin addict and really liked cocaine, the cocaine part was told to me by someone else after he died. Around February 14 I remember he called me several times. I answered his phone call, he said to me "Happy Valentine's Day" and asked if I had any plans. I responded, " Thanks and no I don't have any plans". I hung up immediately because back then I wanted nothing to do with him. His birthday was in March, I remember he begged me to go out with him to dinner to celebrate his birthday. I felt bad and sorry for him so I agree to go with him. We chatted and I ended up buying dinner for him. For whatever reason I felt bad for this poor guy. He was far from home, lonely and was fighting his drug addiction. One night weeks after his birthday while we were at work he gave me a back hug and a kiss on the neck. God knows why but I really, really enjoyed that hug and kiss. I will never forget that day! After that night, that's when it all started. I started to care and worry for him like a lunatic. Our first kiss was on a rainy night in my car in March. I can't really remember the exact date. I never been the type of person to write things down. Maybe I thought I was going to be with him for a long time so dates weren't important. He was always very respectful and innocent, that's what I loved about him. He never pressured me to do anything I didn't want to do. Once we kiss, I found myself asking him for more! I had kiss several guys in the past and I knew how to tell among good kissers and bad kissers. He was indeed a bad kisser but I liked it... I always teased him and told him although he was a bad kisser I still wanted only him, only his kisses. For three months we had a good time; oh how I wish those days never went away. Of course we had our differences and a few arguments here and there but I was crazy for this guy! Like an idiot, I would run to him when he needed help. Now that he has passed away, I want to kiss him really bad. I miss him, I want to see him, I want to ask the heavens why!? I know I can't ask why but I'm just trying to understand, trying to get this awful feeling inside my heart. Wish we could of been nicer and happier with each other. The quote, " You don't know what you have till its gone", hits me very hard. Its so true now that he's gone what am I suppose to do? I never been the type to wish for things. Even when I blew my birthday candles or when we texted each other, " its 11:11 make a wish". For 24 years, I have not wished for anything until recently. Now, I find myself making just one wish, one desperate wish. A wish that I want with all my heart to come true. The wish of seeing him again. I'm not asking to die I just want to see him. I want to tell him, " how much I love him, to take care, to not worry about me and that we will be together one day". I feel as if I'm being punished or as if I been cursed. I try to believe I've been a good person with good intentions. I've spoke to several people about death, people from different religions, different countries to try to comprehend why this happened to me. Just when I thought my love life was about to be full of happiness. My happiness gets taken away... He said to me," I love you soooooo much to infinity n beyond", maybe the small, powerless me will meet him in infinity or beyond.
  8. Can't wait to see him!

    My boyfriend passed away on August 19. I feel so sad and lonely because we would spend so much time together and talk about life. I wrote this letter to myself out of sadness and wanted to share with everyone. Suddenly, my looks don't matter. I realized the reason I wanted to get rid of my acne marks, have nicer hair, a bigger butt, a nice brighter smile, short nails and look pretty was because I wanted to look good for him. I started class on Monday two weeks ago, two days after his death was my first day of class. If he knew that I enjoyed class he would be so proud of me. He knew how much I hated school. I'm writing this letter in class. Today, I noticed I had plenty of time to do chores. For some reason time felt like it was going by really slow. I wasn't in a rush to do my chores because I no longer had anyone waiting for me. Time seemed to be going by fast whenever I was with him. I miss him with all my heart. I think of him and tears start to come out of my eyes. I try to think positive but I feel like my feelings are very bi-polar. One day I'll say I miss him and want him back. Another day I'll call him a liar and tell him I don't want to see him again. My boyfriend lied to me a lot but for some reason I've always ran back into his arms. We had so much planed for the future so every time I say a sentence its like, "oh Scott and I made plans for this". Reality hits me hard because he is no longer alive. Anything I speak of brings me memories of him. Before his passing I wasn't able to see him for three days. He kept texting me he missed me and that he wanted to see me. Sadly, I had to go to work and couldn't be with him. I was re-reading through our text messages and he said to me " I don't think I can wait more than 24 hours without seeing you". I didn't think he was going to die and it was true, he died the following day. Til this day I still can't believe is gone. Its been two weeks and a half and I wish someone would come up to me or call me to tell me he came back to life as a miracle. I want to see my caller id that reads his name and last name. I want to hear his voice calling me, " baby", as he is giving me an excuse. Like everyone else in this forum has said, I don't know if I'll ever find love again. I know this may sound really sad but I want to die single until I meet him again. All I think about is his beautiful eyes that sparkled every time I saw him. Our memories of the past seem like a wonderful dream I NEVER want to wake up from. I was always a happy, strong person and now I feel so sad, lonely and bitter. The few friends that I have keep telling me I will get better as time goes by. But god I wish time would hurry up so this pain can go away. Thanks for reading my letter!
  9. I lost my mother over a year ago fighting cancer. Im young and I was so attached to her. Im only 14 and its so hard for me. Im still coping with losing her. Thats my mom you know. I still cry when someone talks about her or when we go visit her. I feel like its never gonna change and im going to always feel sad. I get mad because why would god take her from me when he knew that she was my all. Everybody always tells me its going to be okay but they don’t understand the pain im going through. I just need advice or someone to talk to who has lost a parent also.
  10. I don't even know where to start, so I suppose I'll start at the beginning. 16 years ago I was rollerblading on a bike trail... tells ya how long ago this really was right?? As I'm rolling down the trail this beautiful black cat literally crosses my path. She walks out of the woods, and sits down and just stares at me with these big yellow saucer eyes. She meows at me, and it's love at first site. I picked her up and rolled back to my car with her. Let me tell you, roller blading with no arm balance is no easy feat, but I'd do it all over again a million times if it'd bring her back. I wasn't allowed to have pets, and I told myself that I'd take her to the animal shelter in a few days. She ended up with a name right away (Mitsu) and a box of toys that would go along with her, whenever I would get around to taking her there... Well, needless to say 16 years later I'm writing on a forum grieving over her. She was an amazing cat from the start, and she always looked excited with those wide eyes of hers. In all these years together she has watched me make a million mistakes, and rejoice over several great accomplishments. She was by my side without fail, and when ever the hardships of my life would occur, she didn't mind that I got those salty tears caught up in her fur. She just stared at me lovingly and let me pet her and hug her. I used to joke around that moving was a hobby of mine, and although she didn't enjoy it she came right along for every move I've ever made. When the world would spin out of control and everything would change at a rapid pace, she was the one constant. She was always there, loving me, and man I loved her right back. 6 years ago I brought her a furry friend and I didn't know how she'd take it. She'd had a couple other pets join her along the way when I'd had a roommate or boyfriend who'd bring theirs along, and she was never very thrilled about it. She wanted me all to herself. When I brought Zombie home, he was smaller than her which cracked me up. She was only 6 pounds her whole life, and Zombie is all of 4 pounds and shorter than her. He is a Yorkie Chihuahua pound puppy and I'll admit, it took her a short amount of time to love him. But then I'd catch them snuggled up together. When I met my boyfriend she fell in love for the first time. She loved him in the same way that she loved me, and he treated her as if she had always been in his life. We were a happy little family. I'd had her checked out at the vet less than 2 years ago, and he was amazed at how healthy she was for her age. I guess this is why I'm so devastated now. I realize she was getting old but there was just no warning. She was fine last Wednesday before I left for work. She followed me around like normal and even played with her favorite mouse toy. When I got home a few hours later I couldn't find her and I knew something was instantly wrong. I called for her, and she made the most horrific meowing sound that I'd ever heard. I scooped her up and we got her to the ER vet as quickly as we could. They took her from us as soon as we rushed in, and hooked her up to an IV. Thursday morning I called to check on her, and they weren't having much success finding out exactly what was wrong with her. When we went to see her Thursday night I knew we were going to lose her. It took my breath away seeing her nearly lifeless body. The only way I could tell she was alive was by the rise and fall of her breath in her body. She was unresponsive and her eyes seemed to stare at nothing. The vet tech said she had been like that all day. When I talked to the vet earlier in the day, he said she was still feeling dumpy, but I had no idea she was like this. After about an hour us talking to her and petting her, she did headbutt my boyfriend's hand for some more affection. She always did this, and it was very uplifting. I got up to sit down behind her, and she actually got up and turned around to face me. I just pulled her close to me and hugged her and kissed her so many times, as my tears dripped onto her and silently slid onto the blanket she was laying on. I told her how much I loved her and told her that if she was suffering to let go, that we would understand and in time be ok. The vet came in to check on her, and I told him that I didn't want her to suffer and asked if we should euthanize her. He assured me that he was still working on treating her, and he still had some hope that he could get her better if she would hold on for a little longer. It was after midnight, and I told him I'd give him until the next morning. A few hours later we got the call that she had stopped breathing. We went to see her one final time to say goodbye. I know that we were lucky because we got that chance, but it was so sudden, and she died the day before my birthday. Tomorrow it will be a week, and I have not been able to eat, and there is a ragged feeling in my body. I am just destroyed over this and I don't know what to do. I just watched 16 years fade away. I don't feel like talking to anyone I know because they just don't get it. I have been told that this is life, and everyone dies...etc. My boss told me to smile, and that I just needed to get another cat. Smiling is the last thing I feel like doing. Zombie is beside himself, and he keeps going to look for her. I put the blanket that she slept on next to me and he finally stopped and laid down on it. I don't know where to go from here. Any advice? Sorry for the long post, I'd heard that writing about them and their loss would help. So thank you for reading and for any help you can offer.
  11. It is a confusing story none the less. I am 21 years old and unsure what my life will hold from here because I am in fact scared of death. The story starts with me meeting my love. He was a lost, deep and passionate soul. We met right before I was leaving for my freshman year of college and he worked hard since the very first day to win me over. at He eventually became my boyfriend that May. We were in different locations and the long distance was hard but when we were together it was incredible. Eventually, I could not handle the long distance and broke up with him in the beginning of my junior year. I moved on to my current boyfriend who has been there for me through this whole process. During my Junior year that thanksgiving break, I went out with friends and decided to text and find him the night before Thanksgiving. I did in fact and I was then torn between two boys. He was the most passionate person there was and would do anything in the world for me. We fooled around thanksgiving break and then spontaneously I got a free trip to Flordia to go work for a week after my finals were done. We went on vacation in secret and it was the most incredible week I have ever had. Following that week in Flordia was Christmas, New Years and then I would be leaving to Study Abroad in Cape Town Africa for a few weeks. Christmas he was in Mexico but we spent New Years together and something was not right. I was torn between two guys and that was not fair to them so I had to pick. The night before I left for Cape Town, Africa was still the most tears I have ever had to this day. A lot of fighting, crying and contemplating went on that night but we ended things. We for the first time addressed all of our problems and the long distance and why we broke up. All the questions we both had were answered. We ended things peacefully, maturely and with mutual forever love and that we would figure things out in the future. I boarded that plane the next day, had a layover in Germany and the moment I landed in Cape, my life changed. I had to turn around immediately and spend a total of 40+ hours of flying in 3 days to grieve the loss of my ex-boyfriend. He died in a drowning accident. I miss him everyday. The situation has been confusing to explain to my current boyfriend because of the fooling around that went on. For the most part, I am okay. Life has to move on. I had a few moments of complete despair and one resulted in a suicide attempt. I am sad though and do not know how to ask for help. I am confused on how to grieve. Was he someone who was suppose to walk into my life and go or was he suppose to stay? That’s the tragedy that I will never know. Regardless he taught me lessons. He taught me about forgiveness, the power of being loved and being devoted. He taught me passion and he also taught me sorrow.
  12. Feel so so lost and sad

    My beautiful cat Shakira (Bengal) started being sick and sleeping more - then I noticed her belly looked extended- after some blood results they said she had pancreatitis but also did a ultra sound just to rule anything else out which sadly showed a mass near her intestines/bowel and that the belly extension was fluid - the vets carried out a major operation removing the mass and draining the fluid - whilst she was recovering I got the devastating news it was pancreatic cancer and that although the mass had a clear radious of cancer cells she had cancer cells in the belly fluid - I was told this is a rare but aggressive cancer and that no more treatment was available for her - they also could not give me a time span of how long she had left. I nursed her at home, it was heartbreaking because I could see she was desperately trying to get better from the big operation but I knew it was all in vein as the cancer would be taking hold. I had a little caravan holiday booked with my family so I decided to bring her with me thinking at least I can spend quailty time with her and nurse her properly - sadly a couple of days in she was going downhill, she seemed very uncomfortable and the pain killers were making her spaced out - she then stopped eating and I was having to syringe feed her against her will and then she started vomiting and she was so weak and skinny and very depressed, her fur although still beautiful was looking unkept with shaved bits still from the operation and she just could not get comfortable and her head was hanging over he water bowl - I made the hard, sad decision to have her euthanised - the vet had a feel of her tummy before he sedated her and confirmed the cancer had quickly returned and that without a doubt she was in a lot of discomfort- I know I made the right decision but I now have the horrible road of grief - I returned home from the holiday today and the house does not feel like home even though I have my two dogs - one of my dogs (Gizmo a Pomeranian) is so depressed. I can't get the thought out of my head of Shakira's eyes going dark when she was euthanised it was like the windows to the soul went dark - I just miss her terribly - she was a house cat and I work from home so she was part of my everyday life - so so sad Such a horrible cancer!!! (She lasted 3 weeks from diagnoses to euthanasia)
  13. I am sixteen years old, and I lost my dad about six months ago. January 14th. He had been battling cancer for two years when it happened, and he had only been in hospice for a week and a half. I guess I felt kind of relieved. I only missed 3 days of school because I just wanted everything to go back to normal, but that can't happen.. I made myself seem stronger than I actually was, my mom and brother, who is 15, think I don't miss him. I cry every day and he is all I think about, and I don't know why I can't just tell them that, but I can't. My mom thinks I am a heartless bitch. I'm not. I just don't cry in front of her, and she cries all the time. She doesn't have a job and she's depressed along with my brother. I can't talk to her about anything without her bringing my dad up, and I'd rather just not talk about him. It hurts me to talk about him, but she doesnt know that. It's been six months and it hasn't gotten easier. I almost feel nothing while I'm feeling everything, if that makes sense. I can't talk about what happened without feeling like crying which is why I can't talk to my mom, but she doesn't see it that way. Just because I'm not dealing with it the same way as her, she sees it as a bad thing. I don't know what to do or how to talk to her. I'm just so sad inside and I miss him so much. He was my best friend and he always had my back. My mom and I aren't much alike, she's like my brother and I was like my dad, but now I'm all alone. My brother and mom gang up on me saying I don't care about them and that I'm not sad, which isn't true at all, but they don't listen to me. I miss my dad so much. I feel so alone.
  14. We had to make the heart wrenching decision to put my lovely 7 year old Rottweiler down the yesterday. He was a labrador/Rottweiler cross who was perfect. The most handsome and loving dog I've ever known. He had problems with his back legs for over 6 weeks and after visiting the vets about 15+ times they came to the conclusion that it was actually a tumour in his spinal chord. After further investigation, we found out that he actually had lymphoma and he no longer had use of his back legs. There was the option of chemotherapy but the vet didn't seem hopeful that any improvement would be made with the use of his back legs as chemo can cause more damage to the spinal chord than it already had. I just feel so sad and guilty. I would've sooner killed myself than see that dog go, but now I'm in absolute bits. I miss my puppy boy !!!!!
  15. Hi, I'm Nicole.. This past Saturday, my husband and I made the decision to let our cat, Scooter, go and have him cross the rainbow bridge. He was two and a half years old. At the age of one, he was diagnosed with Feline Leukemia. We went through a round of chemo (about a year of treatment) and he had responded very well to the treatment. Sadly, this past January, we noticed his pink nose turn white (a sign of Anemia) and took him in to the vets. He had dropped a lot of weight and needed a blood transfusion. The doctor (most amazing doctor / staff in the world) informed us there was a chance the blood transfusion wouldn't take and that we were way past the point of return. For a week after the transfusion, he did really well but all of a sudden, his health declined even further. Finally I broke down and could tell he was gone beyond saving. He was falling over and meowing in pain. His eyes weren't focusing and he was shaking. *sigh* I miss him a lot. Scooter was my first pet ever (I am 30 years old) and I never realized how much of an impact one little life could have on me until now. I spent the day after letting him go, crying on and off but trying to stay relaxed all day. Luckily my husband was home, so I wasn't alone. Today, my husband is back at work and I am home alone (I work from home). I miss Scooter so much and I don't know what to do. I can't focus on work or anything else. I miss feeding him, I miss giving him his pills. Scooter was so lively and would be in every room I would be in. He would wait by the door until I got home and then lay in my lap whenever I was working. I just don't know what to do right now and I feel so alone. I know letting him go was the best thing for him. I just don't know how to not cry and to keep moving forward. I just need someone to talk to I guess. I hate that I am alone right now (can't get out due to the weather). I know time heals all but I miss him so much and just don't know what to do...
  16. My father died 3 months ago this Saturday. I feel like within the last month, grief has really hit me hard upside the head. I cried so much when it first happened, but I sobered up quickly and kept on going with my life, and now I miss him SO MUCH. I don't sleep well anymore, I am constantly stress eating, I miss him so much I just think about him CONSTANTLY. I thought time was supposed to make things better, it just makes everything feel worse. The shock has worn off, and I am feeling it full on. Anyone have any advice for how to grieve in a more healthy way? I am a college student and I cannot slack off this semester, I need to buckle down, but I don't want to do anything because of my grief.
  17. This is a fairly long story, but I need to tell it. It has been 3 months since my dad passed away and it seems like my grief is only getting worse. When my dad was 22 years old, he had a heart transplant. He needed the transplant because he contracted a virus that destroyed his heart. I was not born until he was 27. I have grown up knowing that my life almost didn't happen, along with my little sister's. It was hard to understand and then it caused me a lot of inner turmoil as I got older. Dad was mostly okay, despite having some complications from the medicines he had to take. He ended up having both of his hip joint's replaced over the years, one of them had to be replaced twice. It wasn't until I was 19 years old that dad started getting sick again. In April of 2007, my dad had a stroke. Luckily, my cousin was there when it happened and was able to call an ambulance and get him to the hospital. I remember every detail of that morning. I remember my sister calling me. I remember getting in my car and, no exaggeration, driving over 100 mph from my house to theirs, trying desperately to get there before the ambulance left. I was only about 3 minutes too late. We rode with my older sister and several others to the hospital where they took him, and waited to be allowed in to see him. After a while, we went back to his ER room. I tried to keep it together, but seeing him like that shook me. The worst part was that he apologized for upsetting us. All he ever cared about was making sure we were okay. After the stroke, dad stayed in the hospital for a long time. It wasn't a "bad" stroke and he eventually gained back most of his function. However, they discovered the reason for his stroke was a cardiac arrhythmia. The doctors put him on a beta-blocker in hopes of correcting the issues, but this landed him right back in the ER, very very close to death. In the end, he had to have a pace maker and defibrillator placed in his chest to prevent the arrhythmia from causing any more problems. It all went down hill from there. About every year after this, dad would start feeling sick and have to go in the have stents placed in his arteries to prevent heart attacks. Since dad had a transplanted heart, heart attacks didn't feel the same to him or have the same effects as with other people. He had several, but survived them all. This was when they started talking about the transplant list. It was a long process, but he was finally placed on the list on September 13th, 2013. I lived on edge for a long time, wondering when we would get the call. Lets rewind back about a year, in August 2012, I moved 4 hours away from home to go to school. So you can imagine, it was very difficult for me to cope. It was even harder because listed patients are not supposed to travel very far from their hospital and 4 hours was too far. So my parents never visited me at school. Not once. On March 12th, 2015 at 10:21 pm, I received a text from my dad that just said "new heart!!!!!!" I immediately went into shock. I didn't know what to do or how to react. I was right in the middle of my second semester in a professional program and had no idea what would happen if I missed some school to go be with my dad. When my boyfriend got home not to much later, I told him I was getting in my car and driving to be with my dad. I emailed my teachers and hoped they would be okay with me missing a couple of days, and they were. I drove through and got to the hospital before 4 am on March 13th. I was able to see my dad about an hour later, while he was signing the paperwork and consent forms for his surgery. He started making his way to surgery around 5:30 am and went under at 8 am. The rest of the day for me is a huge blur. At some point I picked my little sister up from the airport, and I vaguely remember going to the house to take a short nap. Sometime after 5 or 6 pm, not sure exactly when, we were allowed into his ICU room. Dad was in a medically induced coma, he was on an "ECMO" machine, and he was not well. The right side of the new heart was not working right. He was intubated and on a ventilator. The next several weeks were spent with our hopes being lifted and crushed over and over. What originally was only going to be 24-48 hours of sedation ended up being over 10 days. When they finally took him off of sedation, we discovered he had several major strokes on both sides of his brain. This is where it all fell apart. The hospital, in my opinion, did not take the proper measures to monitor him for strokes, despite his high risk from being on ECMO. They put him through countless procedures. They gave him so many infections. They acted like everything was going to be okay. After about a month of being in ICU, they moved dad to another, less serious ICU. We thought, "Yes, things are going fine." He started going for walks, he started talking, and he started to be more like himself. That's when he started complaining about his stomach pain. The doctors wouldn't even listen to him. They assumed that because he had stomach issues before, that was what it was. He also had hiccups all the time. A couple weeks later, they sent him to rehab. The last step before coming home. I was lucky enough to be there the day he was sent to rehab. It felt like things were finally looking up. I spent one day with him looking at houses for myself and for my parents for when he was better and for when I came home for good. He was in rehab for less than a week before he was sent back to the hospital. Several days later, I received the worst set of calls and text messages of my life. My mom wanted to talk to me but only if my boyfriend was home. Dad's liver was failing. The next day, it was just infected and not failing. Then the next day my sister called to let us know that dad was not going to get better. He wanted to go home for his last few weeks. This happened to coincide with my first day back to school for the summer semester. Again, I started to panic, for obvious reasons, but also because I didn't know if I would be able to leave school for the time I needed and come back without having to repeat the last year. After emailing my teachers through the night, I got the response I had hoped for; go, be with your dad, you can pick up where you left off when you get back. I was back home the next day. Dad was still in the hospital. They had to get things set up with insurance for home care and a bed and all of that. It was a mess, just like the rest of our experience with this hospital. There are so many details I am leaving out just because this is getting so long. We got dad home a few days later. We had to learn how to take care of him and administer his IV antibiotics and antifungals, which were basically keeping him alive. My younger sister and her fiance drove in from half way across the country, and we had started planning a double wedding. Both of my sisters were engaged at this time, and both had already started planning their weddings, but neither wanted to wait. They wanted dad to be there. So we had a massive double wedding/celebration of my dad's life in the front yard of our home. There were at least 150 people there, probably more. It was so beautiful and special. My dad had one of his last good days that day. He got to say goodbye to a lot of family and friends. This was about 4 days after he got home. The next few weeks were just a downward slope. He started out being able to talk and drive around his motorized chair, but after about 2 weeks he was delusional and couldn't do much. He was incontinent and my mom was taking care of him. Like I said before, the antibiotics and antifungals were keeping him alive. Finally, my mom made the decision to start hospice and stop the medications. It only took 3 days for him to go. My sisters, my mom, my two aunts, my new brother in law, and my cousin were all by my dad's side, holding him, while he passed. I will never forget seeing the life leave him. It was both beautiful and terrifying. I still can't tell how much it has damaged me. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I think of that moment and it tears a hole in me. Since my dad passed away, I completed my summer school work in 1 month and kept on track. I had a 3 week break before fall semester. My mom visited me at school for the first time since I moved. And so much more. For the first month, I felt okay. I was so sad and I cried a lot, but I felt like I was coping really well. During my 3 week break, I got really depressed. I think that not having much to do gave me too much time to think. I have been back in school for a month and it will be 3 months since his passing on the 30th. Most days, I don't even want to get out of bed. I feel horrible all the time, like physically ill. I have dreams about my dad being alive all the time, like he just came back from being away for a while. It always screws me up because in the dreams, he is never himself, he is always as he was before he died. I don't want to remember him that way. He was so frail and thin and had aged about 10 years in only 3 short months. I hate remembering him like that. And I am angry! I am so angry with the hospital for how they handled my dad's case. There were way too many doctors who were NOT communicating with one another and contradicting each other! I believe from the bottom of my heart that the hospital killed my dad. I know that sounds harsh, but if you heard all the details, you'd probably agree. The other thing that really pisses me off is that if he hadn't had the transplant or been put on the list, he might still be alive today. He was getting by just fine, and it sure as hell would have been better for him to pass quickly that the horrifying way he went. It was so slow and there was so much pain. I feel so sad for how he went. Now that I have told my story, can someone please help me feel better? I don't have many friends at school, well none really, and my fiance has never lost a parent so he doesn't really understand. He listens, but sometimes it isn't enough. I know I should be in grief counseling or something but I can't bring myself to do it. Someone help. Please. I can't keep living my life in this horrible state of grief and depression. I need to live again and be happy.
  18. Hi, I'm Gia. I had a 19 year old brother, Gio. I am 13, a teenager. My brother and I were very close and shared everything. We had a rough past, and went through it together. We needed each other.. On August 26th, my brother died in his sleep. It's a generic thing that only will happen to him. His body shut down by his own tissue blockage and died in his sleep. My mother found him dead. I was at school when it happened. My mother came home at 10am to find him dead. My school gets out at 3pm, and I wasn't aware of the situation at all. It was the second day of school, and an ordinary day to me. I was walking with my BEST friend, and we were walking to my stepdad's car. I had opened my snapchat, to find a picture of my friend with a sad face and crying. I thought nothing of it, and thought she just had a bad day. I also recieved a text from my brothers girlfriend, saying "I love you so much, so so much." Again, I thought nothing of it, as she was very sweet and caring. My friend and I got in my stepdads car, and I could immediately tell he was acting funny. My stepdad is a loud person, kinda like a morning person. But, that day, he was very quiet as we drove home. I asked if my friend could come over, and he said no. I asked why, and he said "Honey, she can't." I was still confused, but didn't say anything else. My stepdad took a different way to my friend's house, as the path to her house usually passed mine, but I didn't think anything of it. We then dropped my friend off, and pulled up to our house. There were police cars everywhere, about 3 or 4 approximately. I was confused, very confused. I ran out of the car, and into the house. Tons, and TONS of my family members were there, and crying with tissues. They were all staring at me, and not saying a word. I felt so confused. "What happened?" I kept asking, and no one replied. My mom came through the hallway, and didn't say anything. My body was shaking, and I felt very nervous. "Mom, what happened?" I kept asking, and she kept saying, "Come into my room." On our way to my moms room, is my brothers room. There were police officers around it, and a doctor. I heard a machine, and instantly my mind went crazy. I knew from that moment, he was gone. We arrived into my moms room, and her close friends were inside. My mom said words I wish never had to exist or be said. I cried in her arms for an hour. From there, my world came crashing down. It was the worst time. School had just started, there was an important wedding coming up, and expensive concerts. Everything was a blur, and I felt crazy. I saw my brother's body, and I can never forget the picture. Sometimes in class it just pops up in my mind. It haunts me. I didn't think I would have a life after this happened. I thought I would be homeschooled, and have no friends. I gave up, really. I didn't think I can live without him. Here I am, almost 6 months (in 2 days it will be the 6 month anniversary) from his passing. I am a strong Christian, and that really helped me with this time. I had 'signs' as my family calls them, from my brother. If you've had any, I'd love to hear them from you, and share some of mine with you. I promise it will get better, it really will. And I reccomend going to a grief support group, or a grief share. At first I thought it was stupid, but it helped to know others are in my position. I wish you the best, whoever is reading this. Thank you for taking the time to listen to my story.
  19. I'm very new to this website and I wanted to share my story, even though I know not many will read it. I'm a senior in high school (I turned 17 in June) and I like to write about my experiences with things. Its how I cope when I feel upset. I wrote about my mom's death which happened 5 months ago (16 at the time) and how it made me emotionally feel and how it effected my family financially When I was younger, my mom let me sleep in her bed whenever it was raining outside. Every time thunder or lightning struck, I hid under the covers. Laughing, she would join me and comfort me with a warm hug and smile. I'd cuddle up with her and we'd be fast asleep, the rain being drowned out by our heavy breathing. Now, during the rainy weather, the only thing I have left is her blanket. I try to curl up with it to keep warm, but the newer memories triggered by the rain made me cold and upset. As I saw a flash of lightning, it took me back to the day we parted for good. I remember touching her cold, clammy, stiff hands hours after she passed. I remember her funeral, I put a rose under her hands and I broke down completely. I remember the burial, it was raining and my siblings and I had front row tickets to watch her get lowered underneath the earth forever. That was the first time I saw my dad cry and from that moment, I knew she was gone for good. I snap out of my vision, not sure if I was drowning in tears or rain drops, and made an attempt close the window. Wiping my face, I head into kitchen looking for a midnight snack. I look through the cabinets and the fridge and both were pretty much empty. I sigh as my stomach growled and a raindrop fell on my head. Looking up, only to get hit with another raindrop, I see another hole in the ceiling forming next to the first one. Trying to step around the puddles, I accidently knock over the bucket the water was holding. I rush to get towels out the bathroom. In the bathroom, a piece of the ceiling was covered with Styrofoam and water was dripping from it, making the corner of the room just as wet as the kitchen. After putting towels in all the wet places in the house, I go back into the bathroom to wash my hands. I open the cabinet underneath the sink and realize the bucket that held the sink water was full, and I try to dump it and end up spilling water all over the floor. After cleaning up that mess, I head towards the basement to check on my dog. I pull the doorknob and it falls out with no force. Grabbing the top lock of the door with one hand and putting the knob in place with the other, I crack open the door. I peak down there to see my damp dog cheerfully wag her tail and the floor was damp. Closing the door, I crawl back into bed on the verge of tears. I curl up into a ball and shiver, jumping at the sound of thunder and hide underneath my moms blanket. I smell her scent and it relieves me even though she's not here with me.
  20. PTSD loss

    Almost 3 weeks ago I lost my best friend, my soulmate to suicide. My boyfriend was a young 26 year old veteran, who served in the ARMY and deployed to Afghanistan for a year. I met him earlier this year. He was not my type I stayed away but eventually his big smile, kind heart, hardworking, happy self swept me off my feet. We started dating, spending every day every moment together, and eventually got to talking about kids and marriage. I started noticing his PTSD as the time passed. He would get startled and get jumpy, especially as he slept. He was also having issues with his mom and sister. They never supported him while he was overseeas and left him alone, when he needed them the most. On his own he came back from Afghan, started his career as a correctional officer, got promoted within a year, and bought his first home. I told him every day how proud I was. He had days where he was down and sad about his mom and sister, he'd cry to me to never leave him. I adviced him to talk to a counselor because I knew this depression state was getting to him and it was affecting his health. The day he passed he left work early because he wasnt feeling well, we went to urgent care where they prescribed him anti deprssants. I lfet his house devastated, he told me not to leave but I didnt want him to see me so broken. After not hearing from him I went back to his house where I found him. He had taken all of his medication and shot himself. You can see why I feel guilt. These days without him have been the hardest. Finding out he had bought our engagement ring breaks my heart, my future was all in him, us together and now hes gone. Although I know hes no longer suffering im left with so many unanswered questions. I miss him more and more everyday.
  21. My Dad died this past Saturday, April 26th. He was 49 years old (I'm 30). He was working in the backyard of a friend's house.... Stories are conflicting so much, I question what has happened. #1- I was told he was working in the yard, started to feel dizzy, went to lay down, and never woke up. #2- He said he was feeling dizzy and fell to the ground. Either way, paramedics were unable to bring him back. I am in shock. He was my best friend. He taught me everything about baseball, although he was a Dodgers fan and I am a Cardinals fan. He said I know more about baseball than most men lol. I just, I can't get over this. I can't function. He wasn't married so it's up to me and my younger sister to take care of things. I'm planning his memorial service. I have boxed his belongings, and moved them into my house. He was cremated. But I STILL THINK he will come back. I keep waiting. Maybe my brain is defending my heart from absolute total shock; I don't know. But this is too hard. I can't sleep, I can't eat... When I do eat, I get sick. A piece of me left when he died. I don't know how to cope. I don't even know that I'm ready. His service is on Tuesday and I plan to speak... I'm okay talking to people, as long as I give myself breaks to cry, then I can move on to the next person offering their condolences. I don't mean for that to sound harsh, but it honestly becomes a routine and you quit crying during those conversations because they're all the same. When does the pain go away?
  22. I know some people may wonder how the loss of a step parent would be so traumatic but it is. Before my mother even met my step father she was married to my father who was abusive. He punched and slapped my mom and brother frequently and one time tried swinging and ax at me. My mom wanted to escape but she didn't know how, she felt trapped. She spoke online to a man who lived in Rhode island, they started out being friends, he knew all about how my father was and offered my mom and us a place to stay just to get away from him. She took the offer, one day while my dad was at work she packed up the car and took us with her to Rhode island. We were there for three months before my brother and I had to go back or my mom would go to jail. so we went back and it didn't take long for my father to screw up again, with my brother and i showing up to school with bruises someone finally called dcyf. We lived with our grandmother for two years then went back up to Rhode Island. Where my mom and my soon to be step father welcomed us with open arms. Me and my brother were a little nervous about this new man being in our lives but little did we know he was looked down upon by his family for having us stay with him. His mother, aunt and father didn't like the fact that he took us in yet he still continued to care for us entirely, enough so that we didn't even know about all this until he died. we were living happily for years, than the summer of my freshman year of high school, my brother went off to the army and july 12,2008 My step father passed away suddenly. My mom and I found him, I almost passed out, I kept yelling that he might be sick or just unconscious. I called 911 and that was it one of my worst nightmares came true, my whole family's life was turned upside down, my mom started drinking and taking ambien and i couldn't sleep at night i was failing in school. I was in ap classes but quickly failed out of that. My brother was stuck in boot camp all alone to deal with the depression of losing the most selfless person we had ever met. to this day, five years later it still hurts like it did when it happened and I remember that day like it was yesterday.
  23. Hi everyone. I just found this forum and joined because I read some other posts that sound the same way I am feeling. I guess I will begin by telling you about my dad's story. It is hard to relive it by writing this, but I wanted to share it with anyone who would like to hear it. My dad (Denny) had been battling with end-stage liver disease for over eleven years. Since the transplant list in Colorado was very long and slow moving, my dad was referred to Piedmont Hospital in Atlanta, Georgia. As my dad got sicker and sicker, his score still remained the same. We knew he needed a new liver asap. It was very hard to watch my dad suffer so much. My dad has always had a positive outlook on life, even through all the pain and suffering. He would never complain about his illness. My dad enjoyed helping out others. He would collect canned food and donations outside for those less fortunate. He also would insist on having his grandchildren over to play all day long even on his worst days. He would never miss an ice skating lesson either. My dad never let any of these obstacles get the best of him. He remained happy and positive throughout the many years of suffering. He is and will always be my hero! Finally in June of 2011 he was #1 on the transplant list, he was in the best shape physically and mentally. While in Atlanta my dad became seriously ill after taking a bad fall the day before his scheduled surgery. He was hospitalized and deactivated from the transplant list and sent back to Colorado to heal. We didn't think he would get called again for the transplant, but The transplant team called my dad on Friday February 18th 2012 and was told he was #1 again and to be in Atlanta by Tuesday the 21st of February 2012. Our family was happy, nervous, shocked. We new this was it! My dad was going to come home with a new liver! On February 27th, a donor gave my dad the gift of life. He recieved a new liver. The next day, he was like a new man. It was truly AMAZING! He was talking and he looked great. Then, about 3 days later something went wrong. The bile duct came apart and he had to have it rebuilt in a 2nd surgery. He then had trouble getting the bleeding to stop. He has been in ICU for 3 days and til the doctors saw an improvement. We were all shocked that this was happening. My mom, brother and I stayed at the hospital for hours and hours and days. Just when we thought he was improving, the doctors found internal bleeding and had to try and stop it so they performed a 3rd surgery and he was back in ICU again. We thought for sure there could be no more complications at that point. But yes, there were. He was rushed into the OR for a 4th surgery. The doctors found internal bleeding again and were able to stop it. After that last surgery his vitals were all very good and in very stable condition. He was so extremely weak. My dad's blood levels were going up, his toxicity going down. Moving from the bed to the chair and back to the bed multiple times a day to start building strength back. His color was coming back. All the doctors were amazed that he had made it. They called him "The marathon man" After months of physical therapy, we were on our way back home to Colorado. It was the happiest time for our family and friends. Unfortunatley the happiness would not last very long . My dad continued his rehab and he was working out at the gym every day. He had a couple rough days, but overall he was well on his way to a normal life. His immune system was low because of all the medications he had to take daily for life. While at the gym he banged his leg on a piece of equiptment. He started having multiple complications for a few months after banging his leg. It appeared he had some horrible reactions to the antibiotics needed to heal his wounded leg. It got to a point where even the doctors were baffled as to why he was getting so sick making it hard for them to help him. To make a long story short, my mom and I got a phone call on Christmas Eve. The woman on the phone said to me, “Your father is dying." I was in shock!! We called the ambulance and had him admitted into The University of Colorado Hospital. While in the ICU, we were told my dad had 24-48 hours to live and had to make a decision to either try to keep him going which would involve many more moments of suffering or to simply be put out of the pain and to end it in comfort. It was the hardest day/moment of our lives. My dad asked me to please let him go. I wanted to say NO dad, but that wouldn't have been fair of me. So we allowed him to make his own courageous decision. He was suffering too much. So I said goodbye and let him go. We took our turns one by one saying our goodbyes. They then moved my dad to the 12th floor of the hospital. (A floor reserved for minor illnesses and falls). We stayed by his side in a nice room with a view of the mountains bringing him anything he wanted, making him as comfortable as possible. My dad’s birthday was New Year’s Eve so we threw a party for him in his hospital room, with cake, music, crystals & movies. The doctors were all so shocked that my dad was still here with a strong pulse, perfect vitals but still a failing liver and kidneys. I truly believe that we were given that extra time for the beautiful reason of family connection as his sisters even got a chance to fly in from California & New Jersey. He was surrounded by so much LOVE, family, and peace. We laughed, we cried, we told stories, we watched movies and played his favorite musical albums. He even had a large Quartz cluster at the foot of his bed brightening up the room with a lovely vibration. It was great! He was almost able to communicate with us up until his final hours. He was not scared or worried about passing but instead comfortable and ready for his adventure ahead of him. We told him how many people were sending prayers to him online and he’d smile knowing that his friends all were thinking of him. As painful as it was to watch him fade away slowly each day we stayed there day & night and had slumber parties to pass the time as joyful as possible. My brother and I never left his side. We wanted to be with him when he passed over. My brother went outside for 5 minutes (as he was drawing "Denny Lane" in the snow) my dad passed away with only me by his side on (1/11/13) at 6pm a day that brought a peaceful blizzard of snow out of nowhere. From the 12th Floor overlooking the Rockies it was a spectacle. Our dad was a true fighter and never gave up, he made a courageous decision knowing that he had nothing but suffering ahead for himself and his family. He was full of LOVE and compassion, he was extremely generous and was a very hard worker all of his life. He was a special soul and touched so many lives. We are so lucky to have had him as our dad. My dad was my best friend. We saw each other everyday. I sometimes think that because we were so close, this has made his death so much harder. He was a loving dad, husband, papa, and friend to many. His life was about PEACE, LOVE and COMPASSION. He lived a life of kindness and generosity and aimed to inspire others to live the same way. He encouraged my brother and myself to follow our dreams and always supported us. He was a wonderful husband who was happily married to our mom for 36 years I am not quite sure how to use this forum yet, but I will try my best. I will make a post next on what is going on in my family's lives since my dad is gone. It is just me, my older brother, and my mom (who suffers from depression, anxiety, substance abuse, attempted suicide) left. I never imagined that life could get much worse, but everyday is a struggle. Thank you all for reading this long post.
  24. i only have one voicemail to you:

    i only have one voicemail from you that i had to get my sister to send to me, i didn't save any of our voicemails...i always deleted them. i wish i would have saved them now. is there any way i can somehow get my deleted voicemails back at all?...i don't even know. i miss your voice so damn much...it makes me just so sad to know that i won't hear it again. i miss you matthew oh my god. i swear i am so lost without you. i seriously don't know how to carry on without you. you were always my stronger half and im now more weaker than ever.
  25. I lost the love of my life October 21, 2012. I feel like im dying without him, to me there's not point to being here anymore without him. On the Sunday of him passing he crashed his motorcycle and hit a light pole/then pavement. It hurts me that I wasn't there for him, and I couldn't say goodbye or anything to help him out when he's always been there for me, always helped me out. I hate my life without him. Why would something so horrible happen to someone so wonderful. Things don't happen for a reason, what could this reasoning be? I couldn't even see him after the crash. No closure, no anything. Just memories are all I have and I don't even want them, I want him. I hate that we had to cremate him, to think of the love of you life, your fiance, your best friend/soul mate, long term boyfriend, everything MY LIFE...burning away, it literally kills me. How can I be so positive about any of this we were inseparable for 6 years of my life, always together at each other's hip. To me, I honestly don't feel like going on...everyday get's worse, I'm still in shock. Every day just gets more real and more painful to know that I'll never see him again, touch him, kiss him, hear him...anything.