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Found 12 results

  1. On Sunday afternoon I lost my best friend Kaci suddenly. She was only six and had shown no prior signs of illness. My mother and I had been out at the shed; Kaci tried to follow us out, as she hated to be left out of anything, but as it was raining I told her to go back inside. She retreated back in the door, licking her lips as she often would. I followed her in to check something on my phone; I told her we'd be going for a walk soon as I walked past her. There had been some folded up cardboard boxes leaning against a box freezer near the door for days. I heard the sound of the box falling, as well as that of Kaci moving quickly; this wasn't out of character as she was a very jumpy dog. I turned around with the intention of going to rub her and tell her it was nothing, but as I turned I heard her hit the floor. She suddenly started having a seizure; she's never had one before so it came as quite a shock. Yet I'd heard of other people's dogs having regular seizures (albeit they were older dogs) but they tended to be ok after them, so at that time although I was concerned and a tad panicked, I didn't think she was going to pass. I didn't know what to do; I called for my mother, she ran in just as the seizure was coming to an end. She tried to comfort Kaci, just as she let out a gasp. She told me to cut the top off a nearby Coke bottle and use it over her snout to try and give her CPR. But before I got to her, she let out what was her last breath of air and her heart stopped. I tried to give her breath but within a couple minutes she'd emptied her bowels. She was dead. As I said, she had shown no signs of illness; she had been herself all morning and in the days running up to it. To be honest Kaci was a very healthy dog over the six and a bit years I had her. Putting aside the occasional case of the runs, I can only think of three times where she was particularly ill; an ear infection at a few months old, a particularly bad stomach one evening when she was about 3 or 4; and lastly having to have her stomach washed out after consuming grapes. Three times in 6 years seems like nothing, compared to how many times friends have had to bring their dogs to the vet for one thing or another. However while Kaci was very healthy physically, she wasn't so strong mentally. She was a very fearful dog. She would run and hide when anyone would turn on the hoover, if it was dry I'd generally let her out the back while I did it. Cars she could handle but with buses/trucks she would run as far away from the edge of the road as possible anytime one was close. Fireworks scared the life out of her; Halloween time, New Years Eve....times I dreaded as I'd have to watch her shiver in a corner. And there were other assorted sounds that would spook her; things suddenly falling, neighbours hammering things etc. She would also be fearful of strange people when they first came into our house, she would hide from them at first. This sometimes extended to people she hadn't seen in a while. This behavior actually got worse in recent months; while previously she would go hide in a corner, lately she wouldn't want to be in the same room as them, she'd try run upstairs or into the living room. For the record she's not allowed go to those places, and she knows this, she knows where her territory is. So it was very odd to see her tossing aside the rules. She also started doing this with my brother at times, someone who lived with her during her first few months with us and again had lived with us for the past year; someone who had walked her over the years and spent plenty of time with her. Yet some days she would be all over him and others she would run away. Ultimately we feel this may have been the cause of her death. All the fear and stress over the years weakened her heart and made it that she did't have it in her to fight against the seizure. I feel like I failed her; I always felt for her when she was afraid but I never for one moment thought it was causing lasting effects. Why didn't I raise it with a vet? Maybe they could have tested her; found that she had a weak heart and done something about it? Maybe I'm just looking for a way I could have prevented it, because I felt so guilty watching her die, powerless to help her. Since her death I have found it so hard to be alone, especially in silence. The kitchen; the room in which she lived and sadly died, now makes me physically ill. It wasn't a room I spent much time in before I got her, I used to spend my time in my room. Initially we built her a space in the front of the shed, and used to pin the door in a way so that she could get out to do her business, but we found after a couple days that she would just walk outside, to the end of her lead and wait for us to come. She wasn't sleeping, probably due to fear. So on that basis, my house proud mother gave in and said she could move into the kitchen full time. On that day, it became her room. And it became my room too; it was where I would watch movies, play video games and do college work. For six years I spent more time in that room than anywhere else, because of her. Now the room just feels so empty. Today we finally got the chance to bring her body to the vet for cremation; we're getting the ashes back so that we can keep her with us. Up until now, the body had been stored in a container outside, wrapped up in all of her blankets and some bin liners. I felt so guilty leaving her outside over night, knowing that she had hated being outside alone; silly I know seen as she was no longer there but I felt the guilt all the same. It did help, finally letting go of her body today and I also cleaned away some of her stuff which has also helped, as seeing her empty bed was heartbreaking. But nonetheless, I still feel ill in that room. At times I have forgotten she is gone; while writing this, I stopped for a minute and thought "oh I forgot the dog's outside, better let her back in". How ridiculous is that? I'm literally writing about my grief and yet I forget that what I'm grieving about is actually gone?! Yesterday in work; yes I went to work, I couldn't stand staying at home and thought the distraction would help, it did for a while. Anyways while I was in work, for a split second a location came to mind and I thought 'I should bring Kaci on a walk there soon', before yet again reality hit and a tear came to my eye. I'm a really vivid dreamer; and last night I had a dream about her. The dream wasn't too dissimilar to her death; she had a seizure and we were told by a vet that she had a serious issue. The vet said it could be treated but would take thousands of euros. I took the decision to pay the money; that we would fight for her life. Sadly I woke up to find I didn't have that choice. That's a fear I have now, that I will continue to dream vividly about her; when I broke up with my first serious girlfriend I spent months dreaming about her virtually every night and it was very painful, to be honest I still dream about her from time to time, although it doesn't bother me as much. I was just 21 when I got Kaci; I was very depressed at the time. I'd only been broken up with the aforementioned girlfriend about 6 months at the time and I'd also found I couldn't afford to go back to college (I had went straight after high school but dropped out after a semester), despite having repeated my high school exams in order to meet the requirements to get to the college I wanted to attend. I was so depressed that I couldn't bring myself to apply for jobs and I barely went out. I have always maintained a small circle of friends and I would see them infrequently, but that was about the extent of my social life. I spent my days playing video games and watching TV. One Sunday I was sitting at home playing Skyrim, the 13/11/2011 (date always sticks out as Skyrim had released 2 days previous); when my mother called me and asked me if I wanted a dog. I was shocked to be honest, I'd spent years begging her for to let me get another one but she'd refused, yet her she was, asking me. It turned out that her friend's daughter had brought Kaci home, begging her mom to let her keep her; they already had a dog so her mom refused but she said my mother should take her for me. And on the spur of the moment my mother decided she'd let me decide. I said yes of course; I didn't even know what kind of dog she was, but nonetheless I was so excited and still a bit shocked to be honest. It turned out she was a labrador cross; her mother was a golden labrador who'd gotten loose and was impregnated by an unknown dog. Eventually we found out her father was most likely a border collie (or at least largely border collie); as vets and trainers who would meet her suggested it, and eventually we met another dog that was confirmed to be that cross, that looked the same as her. Having this little pup changed my life; I had something to focus on, something that relied on me. When we initially got her, she slept in a padded dog carrier that my mother's friend had given her, as she was only 6 weeks old and we didn't feel she was ready to sleep outside alone. So each morning I'd have to get up really early to let her out to do her business. I used to end up watching Spongebob Squarepants while lying on the floor with her on my chest; I'd often end up falling asleep. Might be weird that I can remember what would be on TV, but it stands out as one particular episode had the FUN song that Spongebob and Plankton sing; so I took to singing it to her and did so right up to recently. She probably had no memory of this song ha, but it meant something to me, reminded me of her as a puppy. Went off on a tangent there.... But yeah, having something so vulnerable rely on me to walk it, play with it, feed it; that gave me focus. Allowed me to shake out of my depression. A few months later I had enrolled in a certificate course which eventually gave me a path back to college and my degree. This in turn led to me taking the plunge to get the first job I'd held in years; and one in which I really got involved with my colleagues, rather than being the quiet guy who just done his work. It led to me being more confident, gave me some self esteem; and for the first time in years I've started to think that maybe I can get into a relationship with someone. I feel I owe all of this to my best friend Kaci. People might have thought with her being such a fearful dog that I was her strength and she relied on me; and maybe she did. But I sure did rely on her; she made me feel like I was worth something. When I had a bad day and would feel down and out, she wouldn't let me, she'd want to shower me in kisses or force me to play with her. She'd also listen to my problems; I have good human best friends who are good listeners but I don't feel like it's fair to put everything on them, Kaci though was always willing to lend her ear. The way in which she would greet me after work, would make any bad day go away. She just made my life so much better. I find it hard to imagine a future without her. I have a big job interview coming up, one that will really allow me to kick start a career. I was telling myself that I'd get this job and move out; that Kaci and I would get our own place, and maybe eventually another dog (which wasn't going to be an easy process as she wasn't particularly fond of other dogs). She was giving me the strength to face moving out but now without her I feel so lonely, I feel like I've lost a piece of myself; and I'm afraid of facing my future without her. The idea of moving into a place on my own without her, terrifies me. At the minute I feel like all the strides I've made in life are down to her; and that without her I won't be able to keep moving forward. Yet on the flipside I feel that if I allow myself to regress to the me that existed when she first came into my life, I'd be letting her down. Her life, albeit a short one, it's purpose was to make me a better me; to save me from the darkness that was enveloping me, and show me that there's a light outside. She saved my life, I'm honestly not sure if I'd have been able to keep going without her coming into my life. And although I couldn't save her life; I feel I now owe my life to her, that I need to keep striving forward so that I can be someone that people love as much as she did. I want to think that one day I'll find the girl of my dreams, have children and maybe even get more dogs; and be able to point at a picture of Kaci and say "that's the best friend I ever had, she's the reason I'm here and why I'm the best me I can be". Although it currently feels like there's a hole in my heart; and I'm afraid and lonely. I want my best friend to know that I will push through this; and I will continue taking strides forward as she would have wanted. Rest in Peace Kaycee 'Kaci' Wilkinson (30/09/2011 - 21/01/2018)
  2. Loss of a farm animal

    Hello..... I recently lost a beef calf who I really loved. I wanted to share my experience with others so I wrote a blog post about my experience. Would love to hear your thoughts and if you have had similar feelings of loss from farm animals?
  3. This is mostly a way for me to cope by talking about my loss. Our Golden Retriever Charlie was diagnosed with a cancerous tumor on his muzzle in October. We were devistated as he was only 4 at the time, and we couldn't just let him go. After some screenings and testing it was determined he had a high chance of recovery with radiation treatment. My mother was able to take a large amount of paid time off so she could take him and live in our camper in a campground nearby the treatment center for the several weeks he needed treatment. The treatments started late October, the rest of our family including our other Golden, Phoebe, would go out to visit them on the weekends. He was doing very well, happy and healthy despite the mouth ulcers and fatigue caused by the treatment. We all thought he was going to fully recover. Then yesterday we got a call. When he was put under anesthesia for the treatment as they always had, his heart stopped beating. They tried everything to save him but it was too late. It wasn't anyone's fault, we don't blame the medical staff. It was a risk we had taken. He was supposed to come home next week. He was just barely 5, his birthday was November 6th. The entire family is devastated. He was the first dog me, my mother, and brother had ever owned, and probably will be the best dog we've ever owned. It was impossible to meet him and not fall in love with him. He loved everyone and everything, and would go up to complete strangers wanting to be pet. He was very goofy, he snored like a person, belched like a sailor, loved to steal all kinds of things, and liked holding blankets in his mouth. He's made us laugh countless times. It's so unfair that this wonderful dog who made so many people happy had his life cut so short. It wasn't his time. He was especially close to my father. They had a special bond, Charlie loved him more than anyone in the world, and that's saying a lot for a dog who loved everyone. Charlie's favorite thing to do was lay by my dad's rocking chair, blanket in his mouth, holding up a paw so my dad could hold it as if they were holding hands. Charlie was most definitely my dad's soulmate. My mother is devistated. She blames herself, the sort of "If I just hadn't got out of bed that morning." I'm not sure if she'll be able to go camping again for a long time because of all the memories the camper has for her now. My brother has been quite in his grief like I have, but I know he's devistated too. Phoebe is at least already used to Charlie being gone due to their separation, but she just doesn't act the same without him around. She's confused as to why my mother is home but Charlie isn't. My parents let her see his body last night, but she didn't understand it was him. (I didn't see his body, I want to keep my memories of him alive and happy.) It hurts me so much to see my family hurting like this. More than anything I just want to see them happy again. But I know it will be a long time before that happens, and it kills me. I just want things to be 'normal' again. But it never will be because part of our normal is gone now.
  4. Feeling guilt

    I lost my cat, Tumbles on November 7th 2017. It will be one week tomorrow. Now that the shock has settled in, I am starting to feel guilt. For quite some time. Tumbles would throw up every now and then. I worried, but my boyfriend, who also has cats of his own, assured me he probably ate too quick or maybe change his food bc he might not like it. So I relaxed a little, and told myself if he showed other signs I will take him to the vet. Well, he didn’t. But I started to smell something weird in my bedroom. I cleaned, mopped, and eventually found cat poop and assumed maybe one of my kitties ( I have two) accidentally brought it in with them from the litter box bc it’s right outside my room. August 2017 however, I was getting ready for a wedding, and I saw Tumbles poop in my room. Because I was anxious about running late, I freaked out, but later of course hugged him to show I wasn’t mad. It was then that month that I took him to the vet only to realize he had Jaudice. the vet prescribed medication, steroids and assured us it’s possible he could be cured. But he did end up passing away last week. i tried everything I could, but I feel guilty for not helping him sooner. I did everything, spend so much money in the end and was by his side constantly, I’m not just regretting what I didn’t do :/
  5. Grieving over my fur baby

    Hi everyone, on November 7th i lost my little fur angel, Tumbles and devastated is not even the word to describe. I’m crying every day and night. I had him for 8 years and he has brought so much joy into my home. I would have never imagined the pain would be so hard but thinking about the fact that I will never get to see him or hold him again is killing me. He was truly my baby and I feel so lost without him. It really kills me when people tell me to just get another cat because I can’t possibly imagine replacing someone I loved so much. I currently have another cat and seeing him walk around the house meowing hurts me so much. I have a boyfriend, friends and family that I have been talking to but i feel like I’m crazy if I keep bringing it up, this is just one of the hardest pains I’ve ever endured. I’m on this forum in hopes of speaking to others who know this pain and can tell me what they have done to help heal. :/
  6. Hey. I have always lived with my Degu since 8 years. He's been my best friend. Today I killed him by stepping on him while he was under my blanket. I will never forgive me as I have always known he did that. I am sure I have already bad karma for making me lose him as I always paid attention and knew until today. I loved him. I hope to get some kind of enlightment for my stupidity and ease my karma so to never kill any living being again. I feel like finding solace in the penance of hinduism where the act of killing is punished sometimes serverly. I am trying to find a therapist. For the sake of my mother I will try to at least sleep now, I always slept with my best friend. Nadine, 21
  7. My beautiful cat ❤

    Hi, I just discovered this website. I don't know what I'm really looking for and I don't know how it really works on here but I just need to write it somewhere. Im currently at work, on my lunch break, crying like there's no tomorrow. My mom called me 3 days ago telling me they took an appointment to euthanize my beloved cat. She's my 16 years old cat. I've had her since I was 5 years old, we grew old together and she was always there when no one else was. She wont pee in her litter anymore, she barely eats (she licks it but wont eat it) and she doesnt like going out anymore or sleeping in my bed. Its been like this for quite a while. My dad is in the army and so we moved every 2-3 years. Its hard making new friends and having good people to talk to. She was aways there waiting for me when I came back home, when I had no one to talk to she was just there staring at me (yes I did talk to my cat). When I was feeling sad and cried in my bed, she'd come to me and bite my cheeks to comfort me. She always did that thing. She used to turn on her back which I called it the "Twist and Shout"... anyway... she's schedule for tonight at 6pm and I can't be there with her since im away because of college. I cant stand the fact that I wont be near her on her dying table. Ive never lost anyone in my life before and this is really affecting me. I talked to my entourage and they seem to think that I overreact. For them its "only a cat". They caught me crying and Im pretty sure they think im being childish. I just cant help it. I feel guilty for putting her down and I cant know for sure if its what she really want or if we are selfish for letting her go. Did we try everything? I feel like we didnt... I dont know how I'll take it when she'll really be gone... For anyone who actually read this, thank you. Just writinf it helped a little...
  8. Pet Grief Research

    Have you or someone you know lost a pet due to death or uncertain loss in the last 2-24 months? Researchers at Macquarie University are looking for individuals who are 18 years old or over and have lost their pet in the past 2-24 months. The study is to help researchers develop a greater understanding of how individuals cope with the grief felt following the loss or death of a pet. Pets are such an important part of our lives and so I'm sure many of you will agree this is a crucial area of study The research will involve completing an initial survey, which should take no longer than 40 minutes. After completion a member of the research team will contact you twice at weekly intervals with a second URL to complete the shorter follow up survey, which should last no longer than 15 minutes each time. If you would like to take part in the survey, please follow this link: http://tiny.cc/petgriefsurvey If you have any further questions, please do not hesitate to contact the researcher Chloe Green (email: chloe.green@mq.edu.au).
  9. How to deal with cat loss

    Me and my girlfriend adopted this little, gray cat around two months ago, she was like 1 months old at the time and had the biggest eyes I had ever seen in a cat before. Little Mila lived with me, was always around me since I work at home, and followed me everywhere, especially every morning because she loved some bread and milk, and I just couldn't deny it. Four days ago, Mila had this horrible accident while chasing a mouse, hit her head somewhere and started bleeding a lot, her eyes were completely lost, was not able to move and was having trouble breathing; we reacted fast and took her down to a vet in like 10 minutes, where we were told her chances of surviving the hit were minimal but still possible, and had to decide to either put her to sleep or see if she could make it through the night on pain meds and anti-inflammatory meds, which I chose. We left her there on observation during the night and were later told that one of her eyes had reacted and there were chances of the other eye reacting as well. At 7am we were told that she didn't make it, and picked her up and buried her that same day. I am now having trouble staying calm in my own bedroom since it feels so empty now, and can't stop watching her pictures without bursting to tears, it took her 2 months to change everything in my life, in our routines and now I don't know how to get trough this, she was so different to other cats I've had
  10. Hello, friends! The message you are about to read is going to be kind of depressing, so, y’know, you’ve been warned. On 4 May 2014, I lost a good friend of mine in a car accident. He’s my first friend to die and the only death in my young life I wasn’t prepared for. His death has severely impacted me to the point of me needing psychological help as well as a dog to make sure I get up every morning. Right after he died, I was far away from his friends and family, and even though I was able to visit everyone, I wasn’t able to stick around them and really get in some good conversations and general support while mourning. I felt and still feel completely alone a lot of the time, which is exactly the reason why I’m trying to create a show that deals with death and mourning. I love watching shows. I always have. I love shows so much, I want to write them for a living, and make other people as happy as television shows have made me. I kept thinking after I lost my friend, what would Cory Matthews do (Boy Meets World)? How would Will talk to Uncle Phil about this (Fresh Prince of Bel-Air)? What would Winnie say to Kevin (The Wonder Years)? What would the cartoon version of Lizzie MaGuire say (Lizzie MaGuire)? I had no answers, because these episodes do not exist. I’ve already written the pilot episode for the show I want to make about people grieving, that’s where you come in. I need your help. I need your stories about losing someone you care about. It can literally be anyone: mom, dad, sister, brother, cousin, best friend, child, PETS! You name it! Death affects us all tremendously, and I want to hear your stories! I know my friend’s death will affect me for the rest of my life. The other thing is, is that this show is going to be realistic. Not every episode has a happy ending, because life doesn’t always have happy endings. HERE’S WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR, FRIENDS! If you have struggled with drug addiction, alcoholism, or any kind of substance abuse since your loved one died, message me! LET’S BE ALL INCLUSIVE, YO! I want to write an episode in Spanish (Hablo español, amig@s!), and let’s also keep in mind that different cultures deal with death differently! I WANT TO REPRESENT AS MANY DIFFERENT CULTURES AS POSSIBLE!!! It doesn’t matter if you lost someone six months ago or thirty years ago, message me! I want your stories to be memorable. So this kind of requires you to be a pretty good story teller, and you have to tell me when my writing is nothing like you or you just don’t like it for whatever reason. If you gained stronger faith in your religion, or lost your religion, because of a dead loved one, message me! I wanna read or hear or see your stories. You may message me here or send me an e-mail at budbuland@gmail.com, tell me all about you and your deceased loved one. Writing an episode of a show based on you requires me getting to know you pretty well, so we’ll be e-mailing and probably calling and maybe even Skyping. You helping me to make an episode based on the loss in your life will be upsetting, I promise you. But wouldn’t it help others to have a guide of how to lose someone they love? That’s why I want to make this show. MESSAGE ME! I CAN’T WAIT TO READ ALL YOUR STORIES! Love forever, Bud
  11. Hi everyone. My name is Alfie. Yesterday, coming home from my 18th birthday party, We say my cat dead on the road metres from my house. His name was Hector, he was only 4. A Siamese beautiful boy. I already suffer from BPD (borderline personality) and GAD (generalised anxiety disorder). This was just too much. 3 diazipams later I still feel so empty, I can't function and I'm sure with time I'll be okay, but right now I just am still in shock, I can't believe it. I don't know what to do with myself. He was my coping mechanism, a little angel, he was micheious and adorable and so perfect. I am at a loss for words. My thanks in advance.
  12. Multiple Losses

    I feel like my life is falling apart in front of my eyes and it's tearing me apart with it. My 32-year-old son has had a chronic, terminal illness for 14 years. Most patients don't live that long. He refuses to go to a doctor or have any tests or take any medications. He doesn't trust doctors or the medical profession or pharmaceutical corporations. It's hard for me to know how much longer he has to live. He lives with me and his deterioration is clear. He's an adult so I can't make him do what *I* think is best. I'm a single parent. My ex is a deadbeat loser (a lawyer who could make 10 times what I make, but he prefers to life off women and not work at all) who has not been in contact with his son for years. I am my son's sole support and he treats me like ****. I have to take it because what consequences could I use? I'm not going to kick him out of my home! He needs a warm safe place to sleep and nutritious food. Last May my 89-year-old mother (she was 88 then) got a urinary tract infection that led to hallucinations and sudden onset dementia. She cannot live alone and she has lived with me since then. She has aged a decade in the past year. So have I, it feels like. Early last summer I took all of the hateful things she said to me personally. Now I sort of understand that she doesn't really mean it, but sometimes it still hurts. My 11-year-old dog, who was my constant companion, who went everywhere with me, who slept by my bed every night, got sick at the end of February. I had to make the decision to euthanize her on March 13. I had a vet come to my home so she would be calm and peaceful. She hated the vet's office and it made her extremely anxious. My son (mentioned above) decided that she just had a broken paw and if it was set she would be fine (she was dying and suffering and her paw was fine). He refused to be here and stormed out before the vet came. Four of us were here with her, besides the vet, and we all tried to be strong until it was over. Then we all broke down and bawled like little children. Then it was spring break (I'm a teacher) and I had to go to my mom's house to pack, fix things, and try to get it ready for sale. Hard work for someone with chronic back pain. Now I'm teaching again, every day hoping I won't break down into tears in front of my students. I'm just crying all the time, watching my family die. So many people depend on me and I am stretched too thin. Probably I am just feeling sorry for myself and should just get over it. There wasn't a topic for "pet died, mom and son dying" so I started my own.