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About Me

Found 12 results

  1. I have had a hideous disease for most of my life. The kind of disease that healthy people can't even comprehend, with over 60 different symptoms that combine in unholy ways to make my life a maelstrom of agony and suffering. The kind of disease that causes more suicides than traditional fatalities, because living with it is worse than dying of it. I wasn't even finished with school yet when I had to begin grieving for myself. I had to come to terms with losing my future, with a drastically lowered quality of life. I even assumed that I would never find love, because having a spouse would mean consigning them to the role of carer for the rest of my life, though my fiance has stubbornly refused to give up on me ever since I met him. Besides him, the one bright spot in my life has been my pet rabbit, who I have always introduced as my son. This makes some people angry, they say that calling a "dumb animal" my son somehow takes away from the relationship mothers have with their biological offspring. But you have to understand, because of my disease I will never HAVE a child. No, adoption is not an option. I do not have the physical stamina or mental capacity to raise a child, regardless of who brought it into the world. I cannot shower or dress myself, I cannot remember my own phone number. I cannot be responsible for the health and mental development of a human child. This rabbit is the sole beneficiary of my love and affection. I would go hungry to buy him toys. I would die to protect him. He is my son and that is the truth, no matter how many feet he has. He was eight weeks old when he entered my life, a cold February afternoon. He had been born on Christmas day. A scant two weeks later, I suddenly collapsed, unconscious. It happened so fast I couldn't push the emergency alarm. I lived alone, and my disability assistant was not due for another two days. I have no idea how long I might have laid on the floor, but because of my son, it was only about five minutes. He was ten weeks old and still struggling with litter training, believe me when I say I hadn't taught him the first thing about tricks, let alone service animal training. Yet somehow he recognized that I needed him, and dashed to my side. He licked my face and stomped his giant back feet on the floor by my head, even butted his head into my cheek like a cat, doing everything in his tiny power to wake me. He saved my life that day. Without being trained, he somehow learned my medication routine, and if I forgot, he would raise hell in the house. It took me a bit to figure out why he was freaking out, since I didn't train him to do this. In fact, the first time it happened I was so beside myself with a stress headache from trying to calm the rabbit down that I went to go take an aspirin. I noticed I hadn't taken my medication that morning, so I took that too while I was there. INSTANTLY he went back to being calm and chill. It took a couple more times before I realised the connection between meds and bunny panic, but he made sure I never missed my meds again. Another time, a man let himself into the house through my unlocked front door, did something to me that made me scream. There was blood and everything. Rabbits are prey animals, as you may know, so when they're scared, they run and hide. Not this rabbit. He saw this man hurt me, and he turned into an ATTACK BUN and jumped onto me to protect me and bit the man when he reached for me again. Thankfully, the 'strange man' was actually a paramedic, and the scream/blood was from him giving me a shot of medication (I hate needles). But because I was so sick, I had forgotten that rabbits don't speak English, and instead of just saying "NO" or something like that, I said to this rabbit, "Honey, this is a doctor, don't bite him, he's trying to make me better. Now be a good boy and apologise." And somehow this rabbit DID speak English. He hung his head and folded his ears down and licked the doctor's hand. Unfortunately, my health continues to collapse. The treatments available for my disease are few and far between, have a low success rate, and only treat the symptoms instead of the problem--like giving someone aspirin for a broken bone. It'll hurt less, but unless you set the break and put a cast on it, it's not going to heal correctly. My situation is getting so severe that even the treatments I am on are no longer effective. I'm not yet 30 and taking over 100mg of morphine a day. And this dosage is still not enough to do more than slightly dull the pain, and my doctor's latest suggestions have been "try to sleep through the worst of it" and "try prayer?" It doesn't have to be this way. In the US, a country I have dual citizenship with, there is another treatment. Not just a vague hope and some clinical trials, a proper treatment with reams of evidence and successful cases. It treats the cause, not just papers over the symptoms. It can undo twenty years of damage to my body, and give me my life back. Please just take my word for this, that my doctor and I know what is best for my health. Somehow, whenever I talk about it, I get loads of people rushing to tell me that all this isn't necessary if I'd just go gluten free and do yoga every morning. I know what treatment I need, I am not here for medical advice. That's why I have not shared the name of my disease. It doesn't matter. What matters is that it's killing me, and that there is a treatment, a CURE, available in the US. And my son can't come. You may have seen in the news that a giant rabbit died on a flight from the UK to the US. You may not have seen that in the wake of the news, many people have come forward with stories of animal abuse and neglect at the hands of the airlines, not just United. And because of rabbits being so much more delicate and sensitive due to being prey animals with fragile bones and super hearing, despite being so much less common as pets, they are astronomically MORE likely to be harmed, even if the airline does everything perfectly the stress of a noisy airplane and those enormous ears popping can stop their hearts. I have to choose between giving him up here in England, or taking his body to America to bury. The odds are far too high that he'll suffer and die alone and frightened to even chance it. I will not take my son onto a death trap that is more likely to kill him than not. The only other option is for me to die instead, to stay here where my treatment options are limited to "we'll try to make you comfortable, dear". My fiance says that my son would want me to go, if he could only talk to me about the situation. He's probably right, too, but that doesn't mean I can do it. I had come to terms with my disease, really I had. But now it's taking my son, too. I try to tell myself that as long as I have my fiance I'll get through it. But how do I tell my beautiful brown eyed boy that I'm leaving and he's not coming? How do I tell him that my promise to be his mama forever was a lie? How do I tell him it's not his fault? How do I keep living with this gaping bloody hole where my son belongs? How is losing my soul going to heal my disease?
  2. I am really struggling with the death of my 15 year old cat, Moo. I made the choice to put him down on Wednesday after a long happy life together. We were best friends. I got him for my tenth birthday, we did everything together. I knew he had kidney disease, but I had him on a special diet and medication until he started bleeding from his back end on Tuesday. We went to the vet and he told me it would cost thousands to just figure out what exactly was causing him so much discomfort. He stopped eating, drinking. But part of me still thinks I made a horrible choice to end his life. He wasn't looking good but I keep thinking, what if he got better. The vet gave me an option to take him home for a few weeks with new medication, but it likely wouldn't have worked. I feel so guilty for it. What if he had more time here and I took it away from him. The thought of never seeing him again kills me. If anyone has any advice, it might help me...
  3. In November this year I my cat who I had owned for almost ten years died. He was ten years old and showed no sign of illness so it came as a quite a shock when I found him dead in the garden. I handled it way different than I thought I would. The first few days were hard, I cried a lot and his death hadn't sunk it yet. But after that I felt like normal and it didn't feel as hard. My issue is that when I think about him, it's as if he was never real. I remember him clearly, I just don't remember how it was to have him in my life. Does that make sense? It's like I just dreamed having him. It's so hard to feel like that because it feels bad. He was one of the most important parts in my life and now I almost can't remember how my life was with him in it. Am I supposed to feel that way? Have any of you experienced a similar feeling after losing a pet? It would be very reasuring to hear that I'm not crazy. Thank you.
  4. We are losing our beautiful, spunky 15 y.o. Kelly. She turned 15 in March and we are so grateful to have had all these wonderful years with her, but the pain is breathtaking already. We got her as a puppy when I was in 8th grade...now I'm a year married and looking at her is looking back at half my life. She has been my best friend & companion, kisser of tears and bruises, my partner in sassy-ness. Since her birthday she has been slowing down considerably but the last two weeks, she has taken a real turn. Not eating, walking into a room and just staring blankly, not wanting to go outside or do anything. She will barely wiggle her tail. My poor sweet girl is a shadow of her former self and I know it's a matter of days or hours until we have to say goodbye. I keep telling myself that she had the best life and it was long and full of love. Somehow, those thoughts just can't touch the impending dread and crushing sadness. We lost our first Wheaten terrier in a tragic accident and I always thought how grateful I would be to get to say goodbye to Kelly on her terms and ours but now I would do anything for more time with her. My mom called the vet this morning to update her on Kelly and the vet basically said if you want to bring her in you have to do it tomorrow afternoon, otherwise no appointments until next week. My mom took the appointment because she didn't know what else to do but we're going to cancel it. It was unbearable all day just having this time echoing in my mind that we were going to let her go. We found another place where you don't have to make an appointment in advance which is more tolerable. We won't let her suffer, but I don't want to give up on her either. Going to see how tonight goes. Any thoughts, etc. are most appreciated.
  5. Almost 2 weeks ago I had to put down my cat Smokey. He was my baby, and my best friend, i had him for over 14 years. He loved to climb on my lap when I sat on the couch and sleep. He was diagnosed with a tumour in his liver only 3 months ago and just went downhill from there. He was a fighter but one day he couldn't fight anymore and became so weak and was in pain and I knew i couldn't be selfish and make him suffer just because I didn't want to say goodbye. I've had the hardest time coping since this. I cry atleast once a day, and just feel completely lost and broken without him. My heart just aches for him, To hold him, pet him or just hear his meow just one more time.
  6. My best friend that my fiance and I called our baby, passed away last night... She was hit by a car after my brother opened the door when I was visiting him and my mom for Christmas this week. I was not at their house at the time. I got a call from my brother telling me that i would hate him.. and he said he got my dog killed.. I immediately threw my phone on the ground and stormed out of the store I was in. We got home.. and I saw her laying there on the chair wrapped up wanting so bad go her to meet me at the door like she always does wanting so bad for that call to be a joke wanting her to wake up.. but I looked at her and I knew she was gone... I stormed out of the house slaming the door behind me.. punching a tree in complete rage hard enough that I almost broke My hand.. it was the tree or my brother... I don't want to blame him but my brain won't let me not.. he didn't know my jeda would run.. neither did i.. I don't want to play a game of whose fault it is just because it makes the pain worse. I hate myself for it as well because i could have put her in her crate when I left.. but I wanted her to be a little more comfortable while I was gone as we had been in a car traveling that day. I hate it I even debated putting her in the crate.. if i would have she would be alive.. and i would have been able to wake up to get licking my face snuggled up against me. The other hard part about all of this is telling my fiance who was also away visiting her family.. I was so histerical I couldn't talk.. I told her and now I won't see her for about a week. .. I want Jeda back I called to her when I woke up and then began to break down because I realized what had happen last night and broke down crying... Thank you for reading.. Jeda is in heaven And if you don't believe in that then you will believe that Jeda is one with the force now..
  7. August 26 2014 I lost my dog 'King' and then January 24 2015 I lost my other dog 'Brandy' who is also kings mother. I've been devastated since 'King' died but now 'Brandy' died too. My world is shattered I dont want to live anymore. Im so lost I miss my dogs everyday. Im on antidepressants to try to help with my suffering but it helpt at first but that time has past the shock of never seeing my dogs again hurts even more. I know alot of people think im mad going crazy over dogs but they was my life. I was single didn't have a girl friend so I pretty much spent alot of my time with friends and my dogs. Now im both dogs are gone and im lonely and im not sure how to live now
  8. On 26 May our beautiful Silky Terrier, Joy, left us after 15 years - I should say my daughter's silky terrier Joy but like every beloved pet in a family she became owned by all of us in some way. I have never lost a pet before so it came as quite a shock to realise just how much I missed her, so I decided to write an Ode to Joy - so to speak. Joy took us all on such a journey, she was a minx that's for sure but she would lay her life on the line for any of us. Anyway, it has been over two months now since her little hard-working heart wore out and she began having seizures. True to the amazing dog she was, she was chasing her brother Chester and sister Katie (border collies) and keeping them in line the day before she collapsed. Because I work from home I used to spend a lot of time with Joy and Chester and Katie, who still look out for her, expecting her to pop out from behind a tree or bush. I am handling my grief by writing about her and it has taken a while but I have finally finished my tribute to Joy and invite you to wander down Memory Lane with me - http://organicfoodheals.com/loss-of-a-pet/ As part of the journey of letting go I also made a small youtube video (mainly to help my daughter Nicky who is missing Joy so much). Joy was an amazing, tenacious, clever, cheeky, naughty, loud, gorgeous companion and the best escape artist as you will see in the video. I could not believe what I saw as I was videoing her from quite a distance - one minute she was there in front of the gate, the next she was gone! It was only when watching the video back that I saw what she had done! She then had the nick-name Joydini. Big hug to you all going through this grieving experience, which is so personal and individual. I hope my tribute helps you with your loss and that as time passes and the pain of separation subsides you will again laugh at the antics and memories of your beloved pet. I wrote this poem not long after Joy had passed and we had decided to plant a pet memorial garden - our Joy rose garden. Not long after we laid Joy to rest this beautiful rosebud appeared - in the middle of winter! For Joy They say a dog is man’s best friend, but my opinion may differ; For I say Joy was a gal’s best friend, a big bark, a big soul, a big sniffer! Who protected us all from strangers galore and anyone else who dared knock on our door; Who shared all she was every moment of time and protecting her family laid her life on the line. Joy was cheeky and bright, full of life I suppose and now where she lies, there is growing a rose. ----ooo00ooo---- Here is the Blue Moon rosebud that is growing where Joy lies. That is Red in the background - Nicky's horse. Joy spent many a happy time barking at Red when he walked past the dog yard, now she gets to see him everyday.
  9. I'm here to find people who understand my grieving I moved 1200 miles away from everyone I was familiar with 6 months ago. On February 12th 2015 I made the decision to put my 7 year old cat shadow down at the vet while on a three way call with my mom and aunt. Over 2 weeks he became very ill We were hoping it was a virus but the antibotics didn't work and it came down to kidney failure. I have never been through this before Especially not alone It was the hardest decision of my life It's been four days and I still feel him everywhere I've seen so many signs of him one being very confusing to me which I'll share now I came into my room Saturday night and shadows old tag from my moms house was laying on my floor in front of my nightstand... Earlier I found it and accidentally dropped it BEHIND my nightstand trying to put it on my cork board but then my roommates stepmom showed up when I was trying to get it and she distracted me and I forgot about it but when I came home that night it was laying in front of my nightstand the stand would have had to be pulled out to retrieve it. I feel it was him who found it for me and left me to find it again... It made my head spin and I lost control of my tears I've made a photo album of him that Ive been carrying everywhere with me I find comfort in it It's only been 4 days and it feels like the pain is never going to go away I still see him in the backyard chasing bugs I still look for him upon waking I still feel him nearly trip me while making my coffee in the kitchen He's everywhere to me He was the only familiar thing I had when I packed up my life and moved from Ohio to florida My heart is in shambles He was my best friend
  10. My cat Severus had been sick for years. He had been diagnosed with a grade 2 heart murmur and his vet at the time put him on 1/4 of an 81 mg aspirin every 3 days to prevent blood clots as well as atenolol. Around 7/20/11 I noticed Severus was losing weight. He used to be a boulder at 18 pounds but dropped to 13. The vet did many tests checking his thyroid and kidneys but discovered nothing wrong. He did have urine crystals but never had a blockage. He passed out at least 2 times and I rushed him to an emergency vet but after 300 dollars they couldn't find out what caused it. Late November 2013 I was set to move states. My vet wanted to check Severus for possible cancer but since I was moving I needed to keep my savings in case I needed it for rent. So I couldn't afford the 600.00 for another X-ray and echocardiogram like they did to discover his heart murmur. When I moved I was out of work for 6 months so I ate through my savings for rent and other bills. Sometime during 2014 Severus lost all his muscle. He was skin and bones and maintained a 9 to 10 pound weight. Though he still ate and moved well. I took him to different vets that tested him from everything from cat scratch fever to thyroid problems and diabetes everything always came back negative. I did find out something was going on with his white blood cells and he was low on potassium. I hadn't been giving him his atenolol for his heart as I thought he was doing ok without it but he still got his baby aspirin. Now I wonder if the atenolol would have helped save his life? He started crapping beside his litter box and his black fur faded to light brown in some spots. The vet I saw told me it was simply old age and stress. Another vet thought he'd developed kidney problems? On February 6 2015 I came home and as was my habit checked for him to be sure he was alright. I found him lying in the kitchen open mouth breathing. At first I thought I could nurse him through this myself but finally took him to the vets on the 10th. I was worried I wouldn't have the money for X-rays but it turned out they only charged around 150 or 160. This made me feel bad because I could have afforded this so I could have had him checked earlier and possibly saved his life. I was to busy spending my money on stupid stuff when I should have saved up to get Severus tested. They discovered his lungs had so much fluid in them that they couldn't see his heart. On February 11 I had them drain his lungs. I was so hoping he would recover but on the 17 I had to return to the vets to have them drain his lungs again. That's when I was told he was now only 6 pounds and that the fluid they drained was bloody. He spent all day at the vets waiting for them to do the procedure. When I got to the vets to pick him up at 4 The receptionist told me they had only managed to drain one lung. They were attempting the other but he was not happy. I never got to see him alive again he was just 13 years old. I wanted him to make it to 18. He passed around 5:15 during the procedure without me with him. The vet thought he had a tumor on his heart or lungs but I'll never know for sure. I just feel like I could have done more for him. I never found out what exactly caused his muscle loss so quickly. What if whatever he had was treatable?All I did was treat the symptoms. For example when he was constantly throwing up I took him to the vets for cerenia to help with nausea. That's like if you had stomach cancer and all the dr gave you was pepto bismol. I also didn't recall him being so big when I first moved which means his muscle loss happens in 2014. How could I have forgotten when this should have motivated me to figure out exactly what was wrong. Why didn't I have him checked for cancer it was obvious he was sick but I just blindly continued treating his symptoms thinking he had years left to live.
  11. Hey everyone...long time no see...went on hiatus for the holidays.... After Khyri left, Jason got us a dog...so I would have a small thing to snuggle and so Khaily would have someone to play with.... Today, while Jason was doing laundry, Spencer (our dog) ran under his feet, and Jason stepped on him. He seemed fine after, played with us, ate dinner, snuggled...after dinner Jason and Spence went outside as usual, and Spencer died on Jasons lap, appearantly of an internal bleed. So now, in less than three months, Khaily has lost her sister and her dog, and we have lost our daughter and our dog. What am I supposed to do? How do I handle this with Khaily? How do I handle this with Jason? He is so guilt stricken that he is at the cemetery visiting Khy right now...which wouldnt be a big deal but it's after 1AM and freezing here in Idaho. I'm so lost. It's so hard to have to be the strong one through everything. Please help...I'm hanging by a thread... Khaily and Spencer Khy Khy's sleeping place
  12. I am still in shock and really really devastated.. My world, my heart has been ripped apart and it does not get any easier.. I am trying to hard to cope with this but it is really difficult to process... i feeel like i been robbed my kira was only 6 and kayla was 12.. they were never ever sick and in the blink of an eye everything just turned bad and went wrong with no signs... i miss them so much... i feel so hopeless, i feel like there's nothing here for me... I know they would want me to move on ... they knew how much i loved them.... How to deal with this??? i can barely concentrate on class work... this is so overwhelming for me