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Found 13 results

  1. My boyfriend suddenly passed on Dec. 23. He was 35 years old. We had been making love when he stopped suddenly to take a break because he was feeling he said "light headed." I asked if he wanted some water, he nodded yes, so I went to get him water and when I came back his face was red and he wasn't able to look at me, he was concentrated on a point on the wall and he wouldn't look at me, then he fell hard on his side and I ran for help. We called 9-1-1 and they arrived in under 5 min, during which time my father and I were doing our best to perform CPR (though it had been almost 5 years since I trained in CPR). The paramedics arrived, but honestly when we had been with him it had already seemed like he had passed. I can hardly breathe the grief is so palpable. I am rattled with guilt day in and day out - If I'd done a better job of CPR, if I'd called 9-1-1 the second he said he felt light headed, if, if, if... He was a healthy active 35 year old. He had been a smoker earlier in his life, and still used an E-cigarette, but other than that he was relatively a healthy normal guy. We had made love often so it's not like this was a new experience for us, or that his heart couldn't handle this sort of thing. He was also a runner and went to the gym regularly. I am just riddled with grief over the whole thing, I wake up panicked in the middle of the night that I could still do something or fix something or change something, and then the grief washes over me like a huge wave and I'm back to sadness and utter despair. We had only been dating for 5 months, but we knew. I always heard that when you meet the right one, you'll know. We knew. We said I love you only 2 months in. We went on a huge 2 week trip to Europe (so glad we did) 3 months into our relationship. He was home with me in Texas visiting my family for Christmas when this happened, so the guilt I feel over him being there and not in our home state (California) - and his family didn't know me very well so I'm just devastated. We all are. Why did this happen? People survive cardiac arrest and heart attacks all the time - why didn't he? Why wasn't there any time or sign or symptom that this was happening? Everything I've read about heart attacks says that people usually have a few moments where they know it's happening; it seems he bypassed the heart attack and went straight into cardiac arrest with no time to allow for help or rescue. I wake up nightly at 4am and I'm just lost. I journal, I try to watch TV, I walk around my apartment, but nothing settles this unsettling feeling that I miss my love so much I can't breathe, and while I know it's not true and irrational to keep blaming myself, I can't help but feel guilty over him no longer being with us.
  2. Okay so I'm new to this (please don't judge my grammatical errors ) On May 10th 2017 my boyfriend of almost 2 years died of a sudden overdose. I didn't find out until the 15th that he had died , didn't even get to go to his funeral. He's Muslim by the wayour so the buried him before I even found out . It's funny because we were fighting like cats and dogs and I never in my life thought he would die just like that . Me and Bubba didn't have the best relationship and that's a known fact to be honest he kinda of ruined my life and I'm not sure if I'm mad at the fact that he died or the fact I didn't get to cuss him off. I saw him the day before he passed away we weren't on speaking terms at all ,but I guessing God wanted me to see him one more time. It's been almost 3-4 months and I'm honestly trying my best to be a strong person for him but it really hurts and I'm kinda of losing it
  3. 4 months in

    I lost my partner of 15 years in April this year, very suddenly to cardiac arrest. He was only 30 years old. I was with him the entire time and I am still dealing with what I saw that night, which I am finding very hard. Although I have days where I am feeling ok and the first fog I experienced is beginning to lift, I am also finding it difficult to understand some of the things that have come to light since his passing. Exactly two weeks after he died, I found a Facebook message hidden away in my spam folder that was sent in 2014, from a fake profile. The message contained such hate and vitriol towards me, and it explained that my partner was cheating on me with multiple women and had been for ages. The message named one of the women he was supposedly cheating on me with, and I knew her name. Due to the detail contained within the message, I felt compelled to confront her, hoping that the original message was as fake as it seemed but coincidental in the level of detail it contained. Unfortunately the truth came out - admittedly the woman was very brave to tell the truth given the circumstances - but she made me aware of her affair with my partner back in 2013/14 that I had absolutely no inclination about. She also confirmed he was seeing two other women before her, but she didn't know who they were. I still have no idea who the fake profile is, which unsettles me as I believe it is someone I know. I don't know the identities of the two other women mentioned and it's making me very wary of people, given that the one woman named in the message I knew of. I am also trying to "park" the anger brought on by this news, as there's nowhere for my anger to go. I am finding it really hard to locate and process my feelings about all of this towards my partner, in terms of what I saw that night, the loss I am feeling but also the anger. I feel like I have buried someone I didn't know, but I am also grieving someone who I was with when I had no inclination whatsoever about the infidelity. Even today, I still can't think of any signs that he was cheating in hindsight. It has also since come out on the post mortem report that his death was due to advanced heart disease, accelerated by daily cocaine use. I knew of instances where he did take the drug, however I was so strongly against him taking it (I felt I almost began living as a codependent) that he became so good at lying and hiding it. I have such anger about the fact that he has effectively killed himself despite me saying to him on many occasions that this drug is deadly and causes such an affect to your heart over prolonged use. It was beginning to affect our relationship in the last year, and it has now also taken away my partner. I now look back and think how could I have missed it all - the women, the drugs... I feel so silly and used. And then I feel so guilty for thinking these things, as I am still here. Does anyone have experience in dealing with infidelity after your loved ones death? I am finding the grief of losing my best friend hard enough to cope with on it's own, let alone having this news thrown at me too. I just don't know what I have done to deserve this all. It all feels too much. Xxx
  4. It's almost been a year since the passing of my mother. I'm 27 she was 49 and I really feel cheated and pissed off she went so early. She was full of life and had dreams. She wanted to learn how to dance and overcome her own emotional obstacles and learn to be happy. I wanted that for her, just like she wanted for me (Or still wants...I believe she watches over me). My mom and I were close and I'm sad she'll never see me reach my life goals, get married or have kids, she didn't even get to go to Ireland and see the castles; she had never even been on a plane before...She wanted to see the world. She did however get to see me on TV for a small second wearing a dress she bought me and she recorded it and was so pleased, it made me feel like a star (Such a mom thing to do right?!) So, I hold onto that as my little win. So after I got back to my house in Vancouver (Family is from Ontario) I had a pile of things to do because I had been gone for a month. I had to get back to work, finish a couple personal projects (fundraiser and short film) and then on top of that I thought I was going back to my boyfriend...Well I ended up breaking up with him a week later. He brought another girl to the house and had sex in my bed...THE DAY I FLEW OUT TO SEE MY DYING MOTHER!!! Oh yeah, I know how to pick em! So I got that loser out of my life...now I'm scared I let another one in... So I'll fast forward to a month and a bit after **** storm. I bumped into a friend of mine I knew through the comedy community and we started seeing each other. I told him I didn't want to date because I wasn't in the best of places and I was reassured that it would be fine and could work through it, I said no, he asked why, I explain again. I find this is the process for a lot of my emotional stuff. If I feel sad about my mom and currently I'm in one of those long waves of sadness; I mean the ones that last for a week or so. I keep waking up sad and then I get really happy in certain points of my day and then feel absolute **** again, then tears, then I'm alright and just meh. It's never ending and I don't know how to deal with it perfectly or if that's even a thing. I told my boyfriend that I needed some space and that I did not want to go on vacation on the anniversary of my mom's death (I said yes at first and then changed my mind that maybe I would like to honour that day differently) I got the "It's time to get over it" phrase and I said he has no business having two parents and telling me where I should be in my grief. I am so afraid that maybe we are not emotionally compatible (if that's even a thing!) He doesn't think it's healthy the way I'm acting, or that I cry. One time I was drunk crying about my mom in the street and he hugged me for about 20 seconds before he let go and kept walking...What is that? Has anyone ever dealt with such an emotional idiot? And do you think it's healthy for me to still be feeling so sad after almost a year? What does it feel like even after 5 years?
  5. Reaching Out

    Hello everyone. I'm reaching out because I need support so badly. I lost my partner on December 2, 2016. He was my boyfriend. We had plans to get married, but neither of us had enough money to even think seriously about a wedding, so we were never officially engaged. But we had already made promises to each other and we knew that what we had was the real deal. What happened was horrible. Jason was in a building that caught fire. He died of smoke inhalation. I've never actually said that out loud or written it until just now. I had talked to him earlier that day and we had told each other how much we loved each other. I still can't make sense of what happened. I lost my best friend and my favorite thing about the world. I was seriously considering suicide until last week, when something changed and I had stopped thinking that way. I just want to be with him so badly. I don't know exactly what I'm looking for here, but I just need to try something. I'm going to school in France and I miss my family and friends so much. I don't have anyone here who I can really talk to.
  6. I'm 17 years old. On the 29th of Sept, my boyfriend was murdered. I sent him a message, but he was a hard worker, I assumed he had switched off his phone to study for the next days history test. And then he wasn't there the next day, and this horrible anxious feeling kept rising in my chest. And now it's nearly a month that he's been gone. They've found the people who did this to him, but it doesn't make it any easier. It makes it worse, cause it feels too real. He was our Head Prefect (student body president) so everyone knew and loved him. And cause of that, quite a few people think that they have control over how to mourn him. Our relationship was really turbulent, and it was pretty well known that we had issues. As far as anyone knew, we were still over - but we'd gotten back on the quiet. Cause we loved eachother. But people seem to think that I shouldn't call him my boyfriend and I shouldn't go out and I shouldn't mourn like I am mourning but I can't be happy and and and. it is so difficult. I shouldn't care about what anyone thinks. But I do. I really do. They were my supposed best friends... and now they exclude me from gatherings and birthday parties. Their reactions have calmed down since, but it makes me feel icky. And it's made the whole thing worse. I have no-one since he died. Since my parents weren't aware we were together, they feel uncomfortable about the whole situation. His family loves me, but I hate hate imposing. His older brother has bonded with his other friends, and since they were closer with him and knew him in a different way, I'm like the outsider. The last thing I said to him was horrible. I wanted to chat to him at break, and he shrugged. I said " Whatever, Abram." And he said "Whatever, Hannah." And that was the last thing I said to my first love. I sent him a message (as previously mentioned) telling him I think we should end things, and he asked why. And within an hour, he was dead. Why did I give up so easily ? When he died, did he know I was just overreacting like I tend to, or did he think it was the last straw in our relationship and that I didn't love him? Did he still love me, despite all I put him through? His friend sent me a message telling me that one of his unknowingly dying wishes was that he'd been meaning to send "Said I loved you...but I lied" by Michael Bolton to me, but he couldn't. But I've struggled to believe it. I am so lonely. My parents are struggling to understand and my mom doesn't want me to keep mourning. I have a few good friends, but they're mourning him too. And it's not fair to go on to them all the time. I've lost my person you know, we'd been friends for awhile before we got together and now it feels like I have no one. It's so easy to go back to purging and restricting. I know he wouldn't want me to, I just feel like I'm going to. And I can't relapse, I can't. But I can't handle life without him. It's so difficult. I don't know what to do. I just want someone.
  7. On October 29th I received the worst news of my life. My partner was found unresponsive. I was pregnant with my first child, a baby girl that he was so excited about. I attended the funeral on November 6th and our daughter was born on November the 10th. To say I'm devastated is an understatement. I'm trying to find joy in my baby while grieving at the same time. I don't know if I'm coming or going. To top it off he was found in the home of an ex girlfriend and they are saying the cause of death is a possible overdose!? How am I supposed to digest this when I didn't even know there was a substance abuse issue in the first place. Granted we are awaiting autopsy reports but as you can imagine the circumstances make the death that much worse.... Each day I learn a new secret. Praying for some sort of peace because at this time I don't see any light at the end of this dark tunnel.
  8. My mother died about three months ago. I'm still wrestling with the loss, as everyone seems to be of their loved ones on these posts. I think my father, who was devastated by her death, might be looking into finding a companion. I just saw a 'match.com' email pop up on his computer, and he asked me what 'GSOH' stands for later. And he keeps telling me I need to clean out my mothers closet, dispose of her things. To say it never even occurred to me that there might be a new woman potentially coming into my fathers life, even as an casual acquaintance for company, at this time would be an understatement. It is the very last thing I need right now, to be coping with the fear, anxiety, uncertainty and other unwelcome emotions of someone new on the scene. The death of my mother is overwhelming enough. To add to it, to think of having to give emotionally to some stranger, seems just impossible, when my emotional reservoir is overdrawn as it is at present . It's none of my business whatsoever who he chooses to spend his social time with of course, but the idea of having to meet and try and make an effort and establish some kind of good rapport with a woman he brings home, when I still seem to only have the energy to deal with the loss of my mother, seems like too much to ask. And I don't even know if it's happening. At this point its just the fear of it happening, that's bad enough. What may bolster him emotionally would just be a further emotional drain on me, at a time when I don't know if I have the resources to withstand it. And to add to that, the time I have with the one support I do have (him), would be further compromised if he started seeing someone new. The emotional bank balance would be so overdrawn I don't know if I could take it. And nothings even happened yet. They say worry never did anyone any good, but it's hard not too.
  9. Sudden and Creul

    My boyfriend died in a sudden and tragic motorcycle accident two weeks ago. He had just finished his med school board exams the day before, I went to his place that evening, was with him until 12:30 pm the next day, and the accident happened at 3:30. He had so much potential, and was the kindest, most loving guy I had ever met. For the first time in my life I was in love with someone, and he felt the same about me. I can't help but be so angry that the one time I meet someone good, they get taken away. How do I move on from this?
  10. My partner is currently going through a grieving process and undertaking professional help following the suicide of his ex partner. The event happened at the very start of our relationship almost a year ago and he has been in denial and pushed it to one side for some time in order to not have to deal with it. We have been together for a year now and we have both admittedly been in denial as to what happened. He said it wasn't hurting him, or causing him guilt and I was happy to to believe this, but we both knew it wasn't true. Today he will start his first class with a professional to talk through what he is going through. Is anybody going through the same thing? Its the hardest thing to see someone hurt so much and know that I need to give him space and understand its not something he can talk to me about. (Talking about it has caused huge difficulties and at times pushed him to feel that we would need to separate in order for him to deal with it.) More than anything I want him to be happy and deal with all the pain he is feeling, and I want to be there for him when and if he needs me. I can't bear the thought that he could decide that he feels we can no longer be together if he is going to deal with this, I don't want him to push away the people that he loves and who love him unconditionally.
  11. I knew him 25 years. We had only reconnected in February. He left his home and everything to be with me and my teen daughter. Along the path, I knew he was struggling with oxycodone addiction. I knew there were some suicide threats throughout his life and even during this past year while we were together. I took him in because he had a beautiful heart and deserved a good life and I thought I could help. I tried. I held him. I loved him. I encouraged him. I supported him in every way I could. I got mad at him and lectured him and told him no matter how I was behaving that I always loved him. In November, I gave him an ultimatum ... me or the drugs and if you choose me, you need an in-house rehab. I'm a single mom and my daughter and I cannot live with an acitive, drug-hazed addict. So, unemployed, he paid $9000 from his $13,000/$14,000 of savings and went to a 30-day in-house program. I visited on Sundays and it was wonderful to have him sober. He came out right before Christmas and within 24 hours he was using, within 48 hours he had ramped up to full, non-stop drug haze. So, I told him I was through. I stayed close through Christmas, even took him to my family Christmas, while he was high. The day after Christmas, I started pushing him. By the 30th, I packed him up, shoved him in his car and told him to go away. I told him I was angry because I loved him. I told him to call me once he was one year sober and we could start over, rebuild trust and faith and start again. I was strict, pushy, unforgiving, and demanding at a time when he was very weak, depressed, and at a time of year that is difficult for so many. When he found he had no place to go, I was soft and I let him back into our home. I sat and talked with him, but I was angry and while I continued to express love, I was also lecturing and expressing hurt and anger and when I left that night I wouldn't hug him. I told him I'd hug him when I said goodbye on Wednesday, when he left to his own place, wherever he was going to go. He didn't make it to the next night. He was broke. He had no place to go. He felt like a failure. He felt rejected. His addiction habit was bad and he was given a 30 day supply of methadone and cyclobenzaprine and it appears, in his depression, he took a little at a time all night until he took it all and that was it. I'd seen him do it before with oxycodone -- 24 in one day. I can so easily imagine it in my minds eye. And while he suffered and escaped his pain, I offered silence and patience and showed up Thursday morning to see if he had left. Instead, I found his body ... his spirit long gone. If I had just given him a little more time, maybe he would have found a job, maybe the job would have been a buoy and maybe he would have felt better about himself and stopped his 2.5 years of using and started enjoying our life together. If his doctor had only taken me seriously when I left a message that he'd taken 24 oxy in one day and 18 the next, maybe he wouldn't have given him a full 30-day supply of methadone. If his father had offered to pay for an additional 30-60 days of the in-house program he was in, during November... If his sister hadn't enabled him by sharing her oxy, instead of pushing him into a program somewhere during the 2.5 years of his habit... If his ex-wife had pushed him to stop instead of letting him be a drug-hazed couch potato... If only ... I feel guilty, angry, sad, confused, lonely, hopeless, frustrated ....
  12. Hi. I lost my mom in october. She died of Lymes disease and Lou Gherig's disease. it was a terrifying time for my family to be with her as she went that way, she was such a healthy seeming woman that died within a year of being diagnosed, such a horrible shock. I was unable to be with her because i was stuck in another country due to immigration issues-- if i left the country i would have been kicked out for 10 years. It was such an impossible decision to make. not be with my mother? or leave the country and my husband and risk not being allowed in for 10 years, lose my home and community and husband? how to make that choice? I was able to make it home a month after she died. I stayed for a bit and now am back with my husband in the united states. With all the immigration stuff, and the travelling for her memorial it's just now started to hit me that she's gone. I've been so sad, of course. It's hard to grieve but I think I'm allowing myself the fullness of the emotions I need to feel. I'm reaching out for support from friends. My husband and I live in a very isolated rural community with no phone or internet, so I've found I've needed to go away some more to get the kind of support I need. A big part of this is because of my husbands reaction to my grief. Ever since my mom got diagnosed I've been a wreck. obviously. so it's been a hard year, and now that she's gone it's even harder. I've noticed as I ebb and flow in my stress and sadness, my husband does the same-- but worse-- he takes it personally, feels abandoned and threatened. Lately he has said things to me about breaking up, because he feels like I must want that, I must not care about him. That I'm not the partner he wants-- he wants someone to be happy and to be with him. Yes, I tell him, i don't want to be a grieving partner either. but that's what i am right now. He tells me he wants to support me in being with friends and getting the kind of support I need, but then when we go to stay with friends and I spend time with them he gets so upset and feels so abandoned by me, and I'm up all night comforting him, because I'm not there for him how he wants. what do i do? what kind of resources can i offer him? I know that he wants to support me. mentally he seems to understand that he needs to be supportive, that i'm grieving. but in the practical and emotional side of things he's just completely breaking apart because I'm going through this hard thing, and he really doesn't seem to truly understand what grieving means for me. gosh when i write this it's hard to believe that he's acting like this and i'm putting up with it... but there it is. please, i could use some help. I think HE could really use some advice and resources. I really don't want to lose my relationship with him, i just don't know what to do right now.
  13. i only have one voicemail to you:

    i only have one voicemail from you that i had to get my sister to send to me, i didn't save any of our voicemails...i always deleted them. i wish i would have saved them now. is there any way i can somehow get my deleted voicemails back at all?...i don't even know. i miss your voice so damn much...it makes me just so sad to know that i won't hear it again. i miss you matthew oh my god. i swear i am so lost without you. i seriously don't know how to carry on without you. you were always my stronger half and im now more weaker than ever.