Jump to content
Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
  • Announcements

    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

Search the Community

Showing results for tags 'parent'.

More search options

  • Search By Tags

    Type tags separated by commas.
  • Search By Author

Content Type


  • How do I _____ on the forum?
    • Help/Questions
  • Newsletters
    • Newsletters
  • Join Us on Social Media
    • Facebook
    • Pinterest
  • Loss of.....
    • Loss of a Parent (Mother or Father)
    • Loss of a Child
    • Miscarriage, Stillborn and Infant Loss
    • Loss of a Partner
    • Losing Family and Friends
    • Loss of a Sibling
    • Loss of a Pet
  • Violent Death
    • Suicide Survivors: Help for People Left Behind
    • Sudden/Violent Death in the Family
    • Grieving Teens
  • Caregiving & Terminal Illness
    • Caregiving and Grieving
    • Coping with Terminal Illness & Upcoming Death
  • Grief Issues
    • Grief and the Legal System
    • Coping with Loss
    • Anger and Grief
    • Grief Support
    • Difficult Backgrounds: Making Grief Worse
    • Marriage Issues
  • Spiritual/Religious Beliefs
    • Beliefs and Religion
    • Prayer and Blessings
    • ADC's, Visions, & Dreams
  • Non-Death Losses
    • Losses as a result of illness or injury
    • Biological Stranger
    • Loss of a Job
    • Divorce
  • Difficult Events
    • Coping With Holidays
    • Grief and War
  • Recommendations for Healing
    • Recommendations for Healing
  • Please tell us....
    • Recipes to Remember
    • Beyond Indigo Reunion
    • Beyond Indigo Pins & Wrist Band
    • Your Beyond Indigo Friendships
    • If you want to participate in the following...
    • Your Beyond Indigo Story
  • Archive
    • Archived
  • Introduce Yourself


  • Community Calendar




Website URL







Loss Type

Angel Date



Last Name

First Name



About Me

Found 35 results

  1. Hi everyone, I'm posting this from Sweden so please excuse my sometimes broken English.. Here's my story..in 2013 my beloved Mother passed away suffering from pneumonia. She lived in a nursing home since a second stroke paralized her in 1998. The last night I was sitting by her bedside for some hours watching her breathe very hard and fast, no pauses. She was totally awake and alerte and the breathing had been going on for about 5 hours. Finally I rang the nurse and she came and gave my Mom 7.5 mg of Morphine and 5 mg of Stesolide( I don't know the word for this relaxing meds in English). After about 30 minutes I rang again in some kind of panic because I didn't think it eased the breathing that much. I was a fool thinking the meds would change my Mom's breathing, but I did hope it would... The nurse came again and I asked if she could have some more.. How I hate myself for this!!! The nurse said yes and gave her another injection and despite of what I thought and hoped for this seem to make her breathing more labored. I was in such denial, my brother and I had spoken to the doctor and the chief nurse earlier that day and asked them to try and save her, and we got some hope up, maybe there was a little chance she might live through this! Having had a sick Mother for 25 years, it was almost impossible to understand that this was it-she was going to die. Anyway, being in such a state of denial I went to bed thinking tomorrow was another day and we would try and save her. She died an hour after I went to bed and left her with a girl who worked there.. I torture myself every day for asking the nurse for more and then going to bed. I would have done everything to make this undone:( I feel totally devastated.
  2. My name's Sara I'm from Oregon, I am 30 and married I recently lost my mother very suddenly on November 7th 2017. It was very hard for me and my family to watch her in the ICU and in the end take her last breaths. Honestly it's been really really hard for me since I've been taking care of her since I was 18, my life was my mom my mom was my best friend and my life. My siblings are handling it fairly well but for me it's different in the way that I spent more time with her and took care of her we were very close. She passed away from small cell carcinoma Lung Cancer that we were oblivious to since she never wanted to take a chest xray when the doctor asked. sometimes I wish I would have made her we could have caught it sooner, she was sick with pneumonia since last month and no matter what steroids or antibiotics her primary doctor gave her she didn't get well, on top of that she was taking blood thinners which I think didn't help the issue it made it to where her platelets were non existent her blood was not clotting like it should and after being sick with pneumonia the doctor was concerned of any little cut could make her bleed out she was told to go to the hospital and be admitted, tha ts when they took the xray and ct scan and found the masses and the reason why she wasn't kicking the pneumonia when she was admitted they ran tests Her pneumonia turned into septic shock and she was put on a ventilator the next morning because her oxygen kept going down to The point where she couldn't breathe on her own. In a span of five days things happened so suddenly she passed away after we decided as a family to put her on comfort care and remove the ventilator after the doctors tried everything to fix the scepsis so that she could fight the cancer but the cancer fought back with anything they tried. It's honestly feel so lost now I just honestly it's been really hard. I dont know if ill really ever get over her being gone I know she would want me to be happy and move on but right now I don't see it. And with the holidays coming up it's really hard for me to even think about really celebrating Thanksgiving was her holiday.
  3. Hi everyone, first of all, I want to say this post is really long. I'm mostly writing it to get my feelings out, so I totally understand if you don't want to read it. In short: I'm 18, my father died suddenly yesterday, I'm scared to go to his wake/funeral, I feel like I need to grow up and be less dependent on my mom, and I don't know if doing stuff to take my mind off of his death (video games, tv, etc) is bad. the past 3 weeks have been the hardest in my entire life. It started with my grandmother being hospitalized, my aunt breaking her leg and needing surgery (she's now staying with us), my uncle passing away (same aunt's husband), and now my father just passed away yesterday morning. I've been strong, much stronger than I imagined I'd be. Up until now I was going to school normally and being tough through all the grief and my uncles funeral. But since hearing of my father's death, everything has caught up to me. Like I said, I've been quite strong, but certain things are really affecting me. Last night, a close family friend came over to see my family and me. I was still in shock and unable to cry after hearing of my fathers death, but I think she's what woke me up. That family friend had went through the exact same thing that I am now experiencing. She was only 8 when her father passed away. She told me things like "Holidays will be tough.. just call/text me if you need to talk.. if you need to leave during the wake/funeral I'll be there.. don't worry, your brother will walk you down the aisle when you get married." That last one is what killed me. And to make it even worse, my mothers friend came over today and showed us wedding pictures of her daughter, some being with her father. I was able to fully cry tonight, alone in my room. I prefer crying to myself rather than in front of my mom or anyone else. I'm only 18 and I've been so dependent on my family my entire life. I struggled with anxiety in high school and only have one friend. Whenever I go shopping or to the movies I go with my mom. But with my fathers passing, I feel like it's a sign I need to start being my own person. I need to learn how to cook a few meals for my mom and brother. And maybe get my license so they don't have to drive me everywhere. I'm also not sure if keeping my mind occupied by playing video games and watching videos is ok. That's basically what I did today, but I feel like a jerk for laughing at YouTube videos the day after my poor father passed away. People have said not to dwell on his death too much, so maybe it's ok to smile/laugh? I loved my father and i only got to visit him once in these 3 weeks. My brother and I didn't even know he was that sick, everything happened so fast. I'm terrified to go to his wake and funeral. I hate crying especially in front of people and I don't want the last time I see him to be in a coffin. I wish I had been less of a bitchy daughter to him these past few years. He went through hell most of his life, being sick, having 2 kidney transplants, and tons of surgeries. At the very least I wanted to let him know I'm sorry and love him.
  4. Hi all, I'm writing for a advice for, which at this point, is may be a little unusual as I cannot find significant answers anywhere. My mother passed away a couple of years ago, very unexpectedly and suddenly, a few weeks after retiring. Both of my parents had made plans for their retirement and what they would be doing. They obviously never got the chance to do any of it. My parents were married for close on 50 years. My father is old-school. Won't talk to anyone about his emotions and the loss he is no doubt feeling. Many family members are concerned with how he is coping, which he takes as coping looking after himself. What they mean is mentally as he rarely says anything about my mother's passing. Recently, I have actually managed to get him to open up, very, very slightly. Anyway, please forgive the rambling, but I thought a bit of background would be helpful. The point to this post is, my mother passed from an aggressive pneumonia type illness. The illness was very short, and as stated above, unexpected. Now my father, being how he is and 'bottling' all his feelings, has developed a chest complaint that has the doctors stumped. He is forever wheezing, coughing and bringing up pleghm, but the doctors so far have no answer for what's causing this. This has been gradually getting worse for the past year and a half at least, however al chest x-rays, CT scans, MRIs and bloods are coming back clear or with no discernable cause. The symptoms he has are very much like my mother's illness that took her from us. Apparently, it was fairly contagious in it's early stages. So much so that my father was advised to take a strong course of anitbiotics and replace any shared bed clothes etc. I've that greif can ultimately make you physically ill, so the question is, is it possible that my father's unresolved greif and mourning could be manifesting itself as something similar to what caused my mother's passing. Something similar to 'sympathy pains'? Any information on similar experiences or reliable studies would be greatly appreciated. I'm trying to find the best direction to try to help my father. Thank you for any assistance or comments in advance
  5. Hi everyone,Last year I lost my father very suddenly. After losing my dad, I had a difficult experience in returning to work - in part due to the organisation's handling of this. When looking into bereavement practices and policies further, I found that my bad experience is not that uncommon.I'm currently studying occupational psychology and have decided to complete my dissertation research on young adults (18-25) returning to work after the loss of an immediate adult family member. I really want to look into how organisations and managers can make this incredibly difficult period easier.This post is to ask if anyone who has recently lost someone in their immediate family (up to 5 years ago) and returned to work would be willing to discuss your experience with me and answer some questions? All of your information and responses will be kept confidential, with only myself having access, and you will have the right to withdraw at any time during the process.It is important to note that I am *not* a trained counsellor, but I will do my best to support you and provide you with resources, should that be necessary.I am in the London area and I am looking to speak to around 8 individuals from the UK in the next few weeks either face to face or via telephone/Skype - whatever works best for you.Please feel free to message me privately where you are welcome to ask any questions with no obligation to take part. You are also welcome to message me if you just need to talk - my inbox is always open. Take care everyonexo
  6. Hi everyone,Last year I lost my father very suddenly. After losing my dad, I had a difficult experience in returning to work - in part due to the organisation's handling of this. When looking into bereavement practices and policies further, I found that my bad experience is not that uncommon.I'm currently studying occupational psychology and have decided to complete my dissertation research on young adults (18-25) returning to work after the loss of an immediate adult family member. I really want to look into how organisations and managers can make this incredibly difficult period easier.This post is to ask if anyone who has recently lost someone in their immediate family (up to 5 years ago) and returned to work would be willing to discuss your experience with me and answer some questions? All of your information and responses will be kept confidential, with only myself having access, and you will have the right to withdraw at any time during the process.It is important to note that I am *not* a trained counsellor, but I will do my best to support you and provide you with resources, should that be necessary.I am in the London area and I am looking to speak to around 8 individuals in the next few weeks either face to face or via telephone/skype - whatever works best for you.Please feel free to message me privately where you are welcome to ask any questions with no obligation to take part. You are also welcome to message me if you just need to talk - my inbox is always open. Take care everyonexo
  7. Hello All, Talking about this is hard but I figure an online forum may be easier. To give some background my Father recently passed January 30th. We were very close, some people said we were like twins we were so similar. He had a wicked sense of humour and a joy of life. Until he started getting all these health issues: throat cancer (successfully treated 12 years ago), prostrate issues and finally bladder cancer. He was only 66 when he died and I feel so alone. I can't believe I am looking at potentially 30 years without my best friend. The worst thing is he should have lived! He did the chemotherapy like a champ! He went to Toronto to do the surgery. The cure! All seemed to go well they got it all he was given a 90% chance that the cancer would never return. But there was an odd EKG reading prior to the surgery. They passed it off as a problem with the machine and proceeded with the surgery without asking him or me. After the surgery they did more tests and it was afib. They treated it all seemed well and within 5 days he was ready for release. But that night he went into resipiratory failure and was given the diagnosis of septicaemia, pneumonia and septic shock. My mother and I were by his bedside waiting for 15 days for him to wake up and let us hear his voice again. He never did. He had refractory septic shock, he relapsed 3 times. The last time all his organs failed and his intestines were dying. We had to make the call to take him off life support and let him go. Later I found out that afib is a sign of blood infection and since he was on chemo he did not show the normal signs of infection. So basically he was a dead man the second the surgeon started the operation. The doctors ignored an important test that gave a sign that he was not well enough to do the surgery. If they had waited and figured out what was causing the afib they could have fixed the issue did the surgery later and he would still be here. I feel he was stolen from me. I have been diagnosed as having PTSD. I didn't find this out until I had a health scare...no headache migraine scary... and I lost it in ER as the room they put me in looked like my Dads ICU room. I thought I was dying. I don't know what to do or how to make this better . It has been 5 months since he passed and I can't sleep, I can't enjoy life and everything seems so hard. I would love to hear from anyone who has dealt with a similar loss. Thank you you for reading.
  8. Double loss

    I want to say that I have no words but I have so many. I just can't get them out. People keep asking, "How are you?" I know they probably think I just don't want to talk but I really can't. No sooner do I go to form a word and the emotion swells inside of me like a volcano ready to blow. I really can't... All I can do is cry. I feel frustrated, lonely, mad and sad. I lost my husband April 15th. Then my Dad died. In less than a week, I lost my soulmate and the love of my life. My husband and I were together since we were teens. We separated for some time and fought our way back to each other. He went through so much and when we got back together, he was...again, the man I feel in love with but better. My Dad...through all the good, the bad and everything in-between, was always there. Always helping even when I (thought) I didn't want it. Now they're both gone. I am so lost. My husband was just 52 and my Dad, 75. I'm trying to support my Mom but, every time I see her my heart breaks all over again and I know she sees it. She's trying to support me, but I can see it's too much for her. I know I'm not the only person who's gone through this but I can't stop feeling that 47 is too young to be a widow. As horrible as this may sound...I try to remind myself that there are people who have lost their whole families - that I should be grateful for the time I had. But then I think how stupid that sounds. Grateful? How can I be grateful? Someone asked me, "Is this your first loss?" I keep thinking about that. What did she mean? Am I handling this badly? Were all losses like this? Should I have built up some kind of immunity with past losses? I'm sure that nothing was meant by it...but then why? I want to get control of my emotions. If only while in public...I can't even do that. I cry in the drug store, at work...at the bank...everywhere. People tell me it's normal. There is nothing normal about this. I feel fine for 15 minutes...then out of nowhere, I don't. It sucks. It hurts. It is so hard. It takes time?...I can't imagine EVER feeling normal again. I can't get out of my head. It's like I'm on overdrive. I can't turn my thoughts off...but yet I can't focus on anything.
  9. November 18th, 2014 my mom picked me up from my overnight shift at 7 a.m at Wal-Mart... as we were driving she asked if I "wanted to go to her house or be dropped off at mine" I told her i would go to her house because I wanted to cook dinner when she got off work at 4... I didn't think that would be the last time I saw my mom. I didn't think that kiss on the cheek and "I love you and I'll see you later" would be the last time I really saw her... I went inside that morning and went to sleep on her side of the bed. Only to be awoken by my brother and dad who flown into the room in tears to tell me the horrible news... that my mom passed away at work due to a massive heart attack.... It's been a little over 2 years and I still feel like it happened yesterday. I feel the wind get knocked out of me every time I think of her. Or every time I think about the "what ifs..." I miss her so much it kills me inside. Since her death I've gained 80 pounds and my life has gone completely down hill. I don't have much of a family and what little family I do have, doesn't cope the same way I do. My father is an extreme drunk and my older sister is a heroin addict who gave birth to a baby boy that I now have custody of. I just wish my mom was here and I don't know how to deal with the pain of knowing I'll never see her again.. It eats me alive every single day.
  10. I lost my mother April 27, 2017 My sister called me that morning and said to get to the hospital mommy was rushed there and nobody would tell her how she was doing, she was unconcious and had a faint pulse. She had been rushed to the hospital twice this year because of unexplained fainting, but every time I arrived she was alert and waiting to see the doctor! This time was different when I went to the hospital I was escorted to the family room where I waited for 30 mins til my family got there...then the doctor came in. He said he did all he could do but she did not make it. I started crying and was in a state of shock my sister and uncle asked the questions. Since that day I've pretty much cried every day! I'm back at work staying busy but I feel so lost. I just wish I could talk to her one more time! Hug her one more time...give her a proper goodbye. People around me check on me and I tell them I'm fine, but I'm not...I want to be fine but I don't know what to do to get this constant heartache to stop. She was in an assistant living home before she passed, I talked to her a few times a week...made frequent short visits and brought her the things she needed and wanted. Looking back now just wish I'd spent more time with her and talked to her about whatever she wanted to talk about! I told her I loved her often but it still just feels like it wasn't enough, I feel like I let her down now.
  11. It's been 8 months since my dad suddenly passed away. He had hip surgery and DVT Pulmonary Embolism is what took his life. He was only 63... My parents were divorced when I was 8, and my father took care of my brother and I our entire lives. It was all because of him. I tried so hard to keep working after he passed away in August 2016. I took a week off and went back full time. I only lasted until the beginning of December, thats when I snapped and immediately quit. I took less than 3 months off, I had just started a new job a few weeks ago. Now my god mothers mother passed away (been family friends since before I was born) and her viewing was on my birthday. I was already upset because it's my first birthday without my dad who I spent it with every year the past 22 years, and now I have to go to viewing. It caused me to have a mental breakdown and I quit again. I can't seem to hold a job now, I'm not mentally stable. My husband keeps telling me its okay and that I need time... and he is very supportive of me. But I can't help but feel like such a piece of **** or a disappointment to everyone. I have always worked since I was 14. I always worked and went to school and now I can't seem to hold on to a job without making a fool of myself and leaving. My last job I just no called no showed. I have never had this behavior in my life. I can't help but to feel so helpless. I don't know what I'm even trying to ask. All I know is I'm not happy and I feel like I'm making it so hard are everyone especially my husband. I'm just so sad though, I cry out to him daily. I just don't know what I'm doing anymore. Can you guys share what happened after your parent passed?
  12. When I was 7 Years old I lost my mother to Ovarian Cancer. She had the illness for three years but me and my brother who was only five didn't know. That was her choice, not to tell us but I still remember what happened like it was yesterday. On May 19th, I was in an accident, small one but I broke my finger and I had to go to the Emergency Room. My friend's mum was babysitting me and my friend at my house, my dad was at the hospital with her. He came back home, looking like he had been crying but he brushed it off when I asked. He then took me to a different hospital where they looked at my finger. When I was ready to go to sleep I hear the stairs creak and I know that it's my dad but hope it's my mum because she would still try to be there for me and my brother at events because she wanted a normal life for us. My dad was talking to my little brother and I heard my brother cry, I was scared to get up, brushed it off at first. He then came into my room and said "Mummy has died." I then cried for several hours and sat there and named everything I couldn't do without her. God, I miss her. She would always go the extra mile to help me out, she never failed me. I thought her illness was as bad as a cold because I was so young and didn't even know what happened. I didn't even know what cancer was, my brother didn't even know what death meant he was 5, but his instincts told him. I remember getting cards from everyone at school, people I didn't even know. I feel so numb. I'm on antidepressants now and they help, but I wish I could forget. I also am happy I remember but maybe I wouldn't be this shattered emotionally if I didn't remember. I remember her funeral way too well. We went to a church and then we had her service. Everyone was crying except me, my dad and my brother. At one point my brother started to cry and say "I miss my mummy. When is she coming back from heaven?" Or something along those lines. That broke my heart, and set me off crying for the first time since I cried that night. We were all in shock. At her burial I did the best to distract my brother and my grandma, her mother. That's what I tend to do, I care for others more than myself. I kept a smile on my face the whole funeral, watching my relatives sob. bI wanted to break and I needed her to get out of that casket and hug me and never let me go, but I knew that wasn't going to happen. I was in denial until the funeral. The 'moving on' part was a big slap in the face. You can't move on, but you have to live your life and that was the worst part for me. I didn't want to let her go. Actually no, the worst part was I didn't get to say goodbye. She left me a note with some of her memories and other details in it and she was so weak but she kept on typing. I won't go into full detail about the note, but included some of her favourite memories we spent. That broke my heart, because I didn't even appreciate them when they happened. I know it could be so much worse, but that's the story of how I lost my mother. I'm still learning to survive with Grief and it's the hardest thing I've ever learnt to cope with. I haven't been to her grave in 6 years, we moved countries after she died and that made it a lot worse. I remember spending everyday for 3 days after school in the hospital with her and her face still haunts me, maybe in a good way. But I watched her slowly die and I don't think I will ever be able to erase that.Thank you for reading this, maybe I will do an update in the future. Rest In Peace Verity. Also, Our family has a history of this type of Cancer so either I'm going to get it or if I have a daughter she will get it. It sometimes skips a generation but either me or her is going to die from it before the age of 60 like the other women in our family, also I do know the chances are small but I'm a teenager and I know that that's a risk I just can't take. I haven;t told my friends but I hate the fact that I can't have kids, I may be getting a test for the gene BRCA1 and BRCA2 so I will maybe do an update then,I know I can still have kids but it's such a high risk. I love kids, I can't take a chance and give her a short life. I wouldn't know the gender but I can't live thinking I've set my daughter up for death. DISCLAIMER: I am not pregnant now and won't be for either a while or never.
  13. I've recently lost my mother almost a month ago due to cancer and I've just been depressed about it and have no clue how to get passed the fact that she's gone and that I'll never get to see her again or get to hear her say I love you or anything ever again... so my question is how do I get passed being depressed and this feeling of being lost and alone? Just how to feel happy again?
  14. I've never done this before. My therapist recommended somewhere online I might find someone who can relate. So, here goes. I grew up as an only child and with one parent, my mother. I lost my mom four years ago this April. I never got to talk to her before she died. I was working out of state saving money to make her life better. I don't know how it happened, but it was a car accident. When I asked about it, I'm told it's none of my business. When it happened, I was told it was a broken leg and nothing more. I thought; okay. Good. Just a leg. Could be worse, but thank god it's not. I'll take time off and stay with her in the hospital. When she's released, we'll either go back home or back to my place. I'll work and take care of her and hire a nurse to be with her while I'm at work. I lived about three hours from the hospital she was at and I rushed to her. My uncle's wife gave me bad directions, so I ended up at the wrong hospital! She called the cellphone and gave the right directions to my friend while I drove. Ten minutes away and without so much as a care to her voice, I heard her say to my friend; "the doctors aren't gonna wait any longer. She's dead." And hung up. I found out the truth. It wasn't her leg. It had nothing to do with her leg, it was fine. My mom's neck had been crushed. The part about my mom's neck I just found out last month. Once we found the right hospital, the police were waiting and questioned me for hours. finally, I was released to see my mom and talk to the doctor. She was brain dead, but her heart was going strong and on life support. Which I didn't understand if she was gone. I tried to talk to the doctor, but her family pulled me away and started going on about what they wanted. The doctor managed to tell me I had to chose. Pull the plug or keep her on life support. I tried to ask him about what would happen if kept on life support, but yet again her family pulled me away. Telling me to do what they wanted. Telling me to do what my grandfather wanted. I wanted to hear the doctor out to tell me what happened and what would be better for my mom. When it came down to it, it was just me. My choice. I didn't have a father to make the choice or talk me through it. I didn't have siblings to hold hands with and cry. I didn't even have a spouse. My family were of no help, talking over me and ignoring me. I was only allowed to agree with them. When I cried, I was yelled at that I had no right. Maybe I didn't.....finally, I agreed to pull the plug. I never spoke to the doctor or a nurse. I told them I wanted to be with her when she went. My family argued obviously. I went to her room and held her hand, talked to her, kissed her and rubbed her feet and legs, brushed her hair and tucked her in. It took ten minutes. In those ten minutes, her father nor siblings never came to the room. My cousins popped in every few seconds. After those minutes, I told her I loved her and made her comfortable. When I tried to leave the room, I froze. If I left, it meant everything was real and not a dream. I lost it and a nurse and the doctor helped me to a private room. Sorry for the long post. I've never told anyone besides my therapist about that day. Those that know choose to ignore it.
  15. The other day, my dad suddenly passed away. On Friday at around 1:30 in the morning I was woken up by my mom. She told me not to freak out, and that my dad has been in a car accident. I immediately freaked out and started sobbing. I couldn't control it, but my sisters were sleeping in the other room. I eventually calmed down and my mom told me that she was going to the hospital. After she left, I tried to sleep. I couldn't. I stayed up the rest of the night texting my mom to get as much information as I could. She said that his brain was okay and that he could move his arms and legs. He did, however, have internal bleeding. He was taken into surgery and died, because his heart stopped. I had fallen asleep for an hour, because I thought that he would get through this. I thought he would get out of surgery and he would come home. My mom called me from downstairs, waking me up, and said that she wanted to see me. I walked downstairs and before I could get to the bottom, I saw boots that resembled my dad's. I immediately got excited and stepped down a few more only to see that it was my uncle. I walked into the other room where my mom was. I heard my sisters crying, but I thought it was because they were told he was in an accident. Then my mom looked at me and whispered, "Daddy didn't make it." At first I refused to believe her and I ran back upstairs sobbing. It didn't seem real. That whole day was pretty bad. I would go from sobbing to being fine, back to sobbing. It's still like that today. Every time I see something of his or something that reminds me of him, I start crying. I think that the main thing that bothers me is that his death wasn't fast. He was drunk and speeding. He wasn't wearing a seatbelt. He missed a curve and ran into a ditch and the car flipped 7 times. He was ejected from the seat and broke some ribs, his pelvis, neck, and severed his spine. He was still conscious when the police found him an estimated 45 minutes after the accident. They put him under anesthesia in case they had to do emergency surgery. I believe that he would have lived if he was found sooner. My last words to him were, "Get out of my room." He was drunk and yelling at me. I didn't see him after that. My dad has been an alcoholic his whole life. It sucks, but he was an amazing person when he wasn't drunk. He was selfless. He did anything he could to help any and everyone. I loved him so much. I'm only 17. The funeral was today, but the viewing was on my birthday. When I saw him for the first time, I wanted to explode. It took everything I had to not drop to the floor and scream. He was drained of his usual red tint. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that he wasn't alive. I stared at him for 20 minutes expecting him to just get up and tell me it would be okay. I calmed down by convincing myself that he was at peace. My dad was only 46. He had a good 40 or so years left, but that was cut short. I'm having trouble coping with this whole thing. I don't know when the crying will stop. I haven't felt genuinely happy at all since before it happened. I've had a constant feeling in my chest since I heard the news. It feels like a weight is sitting on my heart. I don't feel like eating, drinking, leaving my house, or anything. I just want to sleep, because sleeping is the only time I'm not thinking about it. I constantly feel like crying. When I'm not, I'm angry. I feel like there is a void that can never be filled. My uncles will probably step up and be a father figure to me and my sisters, but it won't be the same. I have felt alone since it happened. I've been surrounded by friends and family since this whole thing began, but I've felt so alone. I've tried talking about how I feel with people, but it hasn't helped. Every time I think about how much of a good person he was and how he impacted my life, I cry even harder because he didn't deserve what happened to him. I feel like my whole world has collapsed around me. I haven't stopped crying since the start. I don't know what to do. I'm trying to accept God into my life. I had my doubts before, but I think my faith will be my only solace.
  16. Hi - I'm new here and so glad that I found this forum. My father passed in 2004 at age 60 from lung cancer. He and I were very close. I still miss him dearly. My mother passed away January 1, 2016. My mother's passing was not expected. Her health was failing, rapidly in the last month but there was always hope mostly because no one really knew what was going on. I was long distance (7 hour drive away) with two small children to take care of (now 5 and 7). I am an only child. I feel like I could have done so much more for my mother. I often have feelings of guilt about this. I was sometimes unkind to her out of frustration. I have a tendency to get angry when I'm upset and/or feel out of control. I also feel guilty because, at the time of her death, I felt a bit of relief. I feel like I haven't really grieved her. After the week of the funeral - clearing out her apartment in a hurry, dealing with an unfriendly landlord, and financial issues - I went right back to "normal" life. Everyone where I live assumed I was strong, brave, whatever, and didn't really support me. I have felt very alone but sort of tucked that away. Over the last two months, I've developed intense anxiety.I started medication that sometimes works, sometimes doesn't. I constantly feel like my life is about to fall apart. I have stressors that are real and some that are my own invention. For instance, I can feel my heart rate go up and have my stomach get upset just trying to figure out what to pack in my girls' lunchboxes in the morning. My spouse is tired of hearing about my anxieties. He tries to be supportive, just doesn't know how and does get exhausted hearing the same things over and over. I've only cried a couple of times. It came out of the blue and didn't last long. I'm wondering if anyone has experienced, is experiencing, the same and/or if anyone has advice to offer. My gratitude in advance for any feedback. Peace, Jess
  17. Hi!! I'm a 17 year old just letting it all out. I could use some advice. It's about to be a year and a month since my dad passed away and I just can'tcope with it, or I guess I don't want to accept the fact that he is gone. My mom wants to get married soon and that really saddens me and makes me angry because I feel like we( my sibbilings and I) need time, I really don't want her to get married this soon, she just met the guy and he's a total stranger to us, and the only thing she does is call us selfish because we don't want her to get married. I really don't know what to do, this few weeks I've been feeling really down, and crying for my dad a lot .. It's just SO hard, life is harder without him. Ps: I'm sorry this is all over the place, and it probably makes no sense. Excuse me is this is not well written, English isn't my first lenguage, but for some reason I wouldn't have been able to write this down ( or express myself, should I say?) in Spanish.
  18. Alright, I'm going to give you the whole story, but first let me tell you a little about me. I am a 15 year old, male, who was very close to my mother. She had been dealing with cancer almost my whole life. Let me tell you a little about my Mom. She was a nice, caring, and stubborn person. Her favorite drink was diet coke and she smoked cigarretes since she was 16. DON'T ANYONE SAY THAT IS PROBABLY THE REASON SHE HAD CANCER, BECAUSE IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. SMOKING IS NOT EVEN PROVEN, FULLY, TO CAUSE CANCER. LEAST OF ALL BREAST CANCER. She got married in the 80's and had two children, my older sisters (27 and 28). She got divorced in 89 and married my father in 98. In 2001, I was born. Shortly after she got cancer. In 2003, my Mom was diagnosed with stage 0 breast cancer, in her breast. It was "simple" back then. She had a double vasectomy and that was the end of that. The doctor said that the surgery was 99.99% effective. Well, in 2010, she was diagnosed again with stage 0 breast cancer, in her breast. Alright, this is slightly more complicated because it came back. She went on chemo for about 8 monts, had radiation, and had a total breast reconstruction. This route is even more effective than a double vasectomy, especially for a stage 0 breast cancer patient. The doctors and us all thought, ok what are the odds that the cancer will come back after all the treatment she went through. Again, well, in 2013, she was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer that had metastisized to her brain, back, lungs, liver, and lymphnodes. After she was diagnosed, she took off disability from her job because she knew that she couldn't work and have treatment. Her doctor at the time, same doctor she had in 03 and 10, was ready to get on it and battle it with as much treatment as possible. As much as my mom wanted to be treated, she didn't want that to be the doctors only focus. As some of you may know, when you have stage 4 cancer your doctor should focus on two things treatment AND quality of life. As a result of that, she switched doctors. This new doctor focused on treatment and quality of life. My mom spent the first two years after diagnosis doing different chemos, and had back and brain radiation. She would take a week off here or there to go on vacation. Year three she definitley lived her way. She went on four cruises, two trips to Las Vegas, and two cabin trips, all while taking different chemo therapies. Until, in June 2016, she took a chemo called Doxil. Doxil is a very bad, hard, and strong chemo that take a grear toll on the heart. She started taking this because her cancer had been declared too aggressive, and it needed to battle back with a very aggressiev chemo. After taking two rounds, she was unabe to handle it so her doctor took her off of that chemo and switched her on to a pill form of xillota, I think that's how you spell it. She got scans soon before she started that new chemo and they showed improvement in the cancer. She started xillota in late August. She was on it for about a week then she started having bad diarrehea and was getting dehydrated. She went to the doctor and she set up an appointment at the hospital on Saturday for her to get fluids and orderd for her to stop taking the chemo. On Saturday she went to the hospital and got fluids, but she started throwing up, so they decided to keep her overnight. She was in there from Saturday and was discharged on Tuesday. Everyday she was in the hospiatl she was getting weaker and weaker. She had to start using a walker. Her brain function had dramtically decreased since she was discharge (confusion, halucinations, etc.). I was having to help her around the hause even with her walker. The following Staurday she was being unreponsive and refusing to take her pain medicine, which she took on a regular basis for back pain. My dad called 911 and she refused to go the hospital. My dad tried to get her to at least drink something and she wouldn't. About an hour later he called 911 again and she went to the hospital. They ran a CT scan and they noticed that her cnacer had shown improvement, but her blood work showed an irregularity in the liver. Her oncologist ordered ot do an MRI of the liver on Sunday to closely examine what is going on their. On Monday the doctor came in with the results. Her cancer had almost completley taken over her liver. In other words, her liver was failing. The doctor said that there is no chancer for a transplant and that she estimates that the end will come in the next two days. The hardest thing my Dad had to do was tell me and My sisters that our Mom was dying. On that day, the nurses swithced over to comfort care. If you haven't noticed by now my Mom is a fighter. She made it from the Saturday she was brought in until 1:25 A.M on Saturday, September 3rd, 2016. All of the doctors and nurses were in awe of how long she made it. This is the hardest thing I ever had to go through. I, luckily, was ablr to get time alone with hevr in the hsopital to tell her how much I love her. It was terrible being in that hospital everyday and watching her slowly die. The important thing is that she was comforatble. However, I was fine the first week but when the second week came it all hot me. I was in the shower listening to music. I was begging and pleaing for my Mom to come home and give me a hug one last time. Then, all of a sudden, the music changed to one of my Mom's favorite songs. I started crying hysterically becasue, in my opinion, I knew that she was there and hat was her way of letting= me know that she us allright and I will be fine too. However, it is still too hard. I constantly think about her or things I could tell her, but then I remember that I can't. Please give me any advice you have on how to cope. Also, if you have any questions, please feel free to ask. I will answer to the best of my ability. One of my main reasons of writing this is so all of you Stage 0 or Stage 1 and even Stage 2 people realise that it could very EASILY happen to you too. Spend time with your family and tell them everything no matter how hard it is. The only thing my Mom kept from me during this whol etime was her life expectancy. Apparently when she was first diagnosed she asked the doctor what the life expectancy is. The doctor said, a "typical case" last about three years. My Mom made it three years and two months. Thank you for taking the time to read this. If anyine has any suggestions on how to cope with this, it will be much appreciated.
  19. Some days are definitely harder than others without you Mama!.. We (meaning A LOT of people) lost Terri Therese Sheridan on November 23, 2014 to glioblastoma brain cancer after the fight if a life time that last lasted a very long year and a half; which was a roller coaster with highs and lows, sharp and steady turns. I think the strangest moment for me was about a month and a half before Mommy passed I was told I had a lump in my breast and due to her dementia, phone calls were not a coherent conversation ability she held any longer. It was the first time I was never going to be able to call her again to tell her something bad had happened, that I was scared, worried, needed her support. Luckily the diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound a couple weeks later showed no tumor! Again, I wanted to call Mama but realized I couldn't ever again; besides that who wants to tell they're dying mother that they found a lump in the breast just so she can have a heart attack or go completely insane but she was well on her way on her own to that. But, thanks to the supposed hospice care at a 24 hour facility who would thank me not to mention them - she was completely drugged up into a sleep coma the last three weeks of her life anyways. Thanks Medicare! So here I am today, probably several bottles of whiskey, wine, prescription pain killers, six-packs, cigarette packs, jobs later with a depression that just seems to kick in whenever it feels like. Good news is I have attended one AA meeting recently, cut way back on the drinking with more to do there, recovered from the two motorcycle accidents I needed meds for, and quit smoking thanks to a zero mg tobacco vaporizer. Everything just seems so damn harder and sometimes overwhelming without you here. Today was one of those days I usually give myself permission to have about once a month. One of those days where I make an obnoxiously large quantity of popcorn and sit alone at home all day in my living room watching movies. I don't think this is good for me because the high lasts until the credits come and I'm back to a reality check that I didn't accomplish much today and it's directly related to being overwhelmed, depressed, exhausted, feeling alone, worthless, old, fat, ugly... Basically a bunch of crap in my head that Mama would shake out me. One thing I do that helps me not repeat days like today is GRATITUDE first thing when I wake up in the morning I must list to myself somehow all the simple wonderful people, places, things, dreams, etc. I am grateful for. Also, I really need to remember what my Mama would say to me if she was here and knew how I'm feeling. You know what that INCREDIBLE Lady would say? Get over it! Life is WONDERFUL! So I will try to remember that next time the dark cloud appears. But for now, she prayed for a 'bu' for me And he has been here with me since I moved back home from Hawaii to be with her three months before she passed. J has been my rock and lost his Dad to suicide 10 years ago. We will be together two years in September 2016 and the anniversary of my Mom becoming an Angel is two years November 23, 2016. I thank Creator every day for the love he has shared with me. I'm also very grateful that at 41 unable to get pregnant, that he has a beautiful six year old daughter who has been my best friend from the moment we met, I still have my Dad at 74 years old I have to accept that he won't be here forever but for now he's two miles away and I get to see him much more often than the 12 years I spent over 3,000 miles of open ocean, a busy brother, a difficult relationship with my sister - but at least we try, and many more wonderful friends and family. I have learned the hard way living in paradise (California ain't to shabby either) People are more important than places! God Bless all of you in your loss and grief... This is my first time here, but surely not my last. Thank you for giving me a place to get through this day and the next. I LOVE YOU ALWAYS & FOREVER Mama!!!
  20. Got a call that my dad wasn't doing well again and my mom (his ex-wife) said she was going up there to sit with him, i figured id stay home bc my sister was out and wouldnt be back til late and my stapdad was coming in from work which would also be late, and we have a dog and cats that needed to be fed and stuff, but my mom said " karen i think you should go." i was reluctant bc.. im not sure why tbh, maybe my selfishness of just not wanting to go and wanting to stay home along with seeing him like that not hardly waking up and trying to get him to eat and drink and getting hardly any sleep in the combination - but i got ready and we headed on up to the VA and planned to stay. I think i saw some tears in his eyes. i hope not. i really hope it was just like from where you wake up and your eyes are watery, he could barely open his eyes though, but he looked at me when i finally got his attention. i was woken up from the TV being on, and being sore from laying in the reclining chair but im glad i was awake, bc i put the cover over my head to keep the TV from bothering me, and heard my dads breathing which was at 40 breaths a minute all day, stop suddenly. For a split second i thought it might be a sigh or a yawn, but i think knew what it really was - i turned around placed my hand on his arm and i saw my mom standing there on the other side of him and she said his name "Chris?" she held his hand. I said "Dad?" and his eyes were so wide, he hasnt hardly been able to open his eyes the past few weeks and it was weird to see his eyes so large and wide, and he drew in two more breaths and he was gone. all the while i was telling him i love you i love you, over and over because i found out the hearing is the last thing to go, and i said "i love you, i love you so much, you're my favorite" but i love my mom and dad the same so idk why i said that. at that time i think he was already gone. my mom was crying but i didnt, not right away i felt weird and then nauseous, i was by the window and i think i got up at that moment after my mom went to get someone i dont remember much other then i held his hand after he was gone and his eyes closed a little bit, my mom kissed him on the head and i couldnt look at him directly i just said, i love you over and over i couldnt think of anything to say, but i did finally look at him and i stroked his cheek. ive never seen someone die. didnt think id see my dad go. not in 1 million years. but im glad he wasnt alone. i think i got really upset and realized he really was gone when the head nurse came in and he said "Morgue" as in bring him to the morgue at some point. i felt his presence all day, or maybe it was me just missing him, my twin said the same thing that she didn't feel he was truly gone. we knew this was going to happen but.. this is my dad i never actually considered it was going to happen. ive been getting really weak in the knees and arms since his passing. me and my mom didnt hardly speak on the way home but we came in my sister was laying on the loveseat crying and she told me that the social worker informed her of dad's passing thinking she was me. i felt terrible that she had to get the news that way. she even asked me earlier that day "do you think i should come up" i told her i wasn't sure this time, but she tried to reassure me and herself i think that he would pull through like last week. i really just didn't want to bother her happy day with her bf and his daughter. i laid down to sleep but it was hard, didnt seem real, like should i really go to sleep? or what. but i did eventually. i told my sister as soon as i woke up i said " i had a dream about dad" and i told her what it was about, then she said " so did I" so she told me what it was about, but she was dreamt about him before she knew he was gone, this is what she told me. (my sister was at home asleep, and i tried to call her then i think i called my stepdad and idr who else my mom called and.. well anyways, the social worker called her thinking she was me, and my sister thought it was a joke when she said "im so sorry about your dad" and i cant imagine how my twin sister felt, the lady on the phone realized she hadn't gotten the news yet and that she was speaking with the wrong person and even thought she had the wrong family for a moment.) The dream she told me was that she saw him and he was in an old hospital ward, one of the big open dorms, it was dark with high windows and golden sunlight coming through, and our dad was standing tall and proud in his USAF blues looking at her, and he was young again and she said "he looked so handsome" and she told me she was talking to him he was looking at her in a way like "what's wrong?" and there was a door behind him and he kinda nodded at her and he started going to the door she said "dad! where are you going?" and at that point she was woken up by the call. i was really in disbelief when she told me that but i believe her, she wouldnt lie about something like that. ever. i had a dream too but mine was gloomy and this was after i came home to try to sleep, i was in a corner the room was dark and the only light was from a TV coming from a low position, my dad had already passed and he was in a bed, his hair was more grown out and messy. Elvis Presley: Blue Christmas was playing on an old record player and this black cat comes out of nowhere and sits on his chest and brings him back to life he raised his head and looked at me, i think i said "dad!! youre okay!" and he said "hey" and something else but that's all i recall. mine was definitely more of wishful thinking type dream. this morning when i went outside to get some air and to get out of the bathroom because my sis needed to shower, i saw 2 black tiny butterflies fluttering around and coming near me then i looked over towards the backyard woods when 3 or 4 of those large tiger swallowtails fly in my direction they all hovered near me for a bit and then were gone the sun was shining really bright and pretty at that moment. when i went inside it got cloudy. i wonder if it's possible that was him in some way? idk maybe wishful thinking. i miss him, my heart hurts. thanks for reading.
  21. September has been a very difficult month for me this year--and not just because of professional pressures. Traditionally, it's always been a refreshing month of sorts, if not mostly because there's the first real whiff of fall in the air (now that seasons seem to be starting later and later). It's always marked a new school term with all of the excitement that it brings. Hopes of new projects. A time to break out new fall fashions. And yes, the approach of Halloween: meaning more horror to watch on TV. Last year changed that optimism so drastically. It was last September when my mom's decline assumed a frightening pace--right up to her death on October 4, 2014. Not that we ever gave up hope entirely. After all, her CAT scan had shown that she had improved in some places, and deteriorated in others. When my cousin and her husband came to visit us in mid-September, she seemed happy. Yet, it seemed strange to us that her red and white blood cells kept declining so markedly, even though she was still fit for chemo. That she suffered more and more severe stomach pains: not just once a day, but multiple times. That she could not see objects placed straight in front of her. That she could only go down the stairs with extreme difficulty. This was not the mom I had in February or even in May when she could still go up and down with ease, despite her stroke in April. It was on September 21 that she looked so uncomfortable and very cranky. Strange, because she seemed be doing much better the day before, a Saturday. She ate a good deal and I was happy. On Sunday, tempers flew. I threatened Mom if she didn't start eating or stop talking the way she was, I was going to call the visiting nurse. It was meant as both a threat and yet also as a possible life saver. After all, what if mom was about to suffer a stroke or heart failure? Finally, by early evening, I thought it was better to give a call. Up till very recently, I still had (or have?) no idea if I did the right thing. The nurse decided she needed to go and so she went. My mom was furious at me--and also began to suffer severe pains and low oxygen. They put an oxygen mask on her which made her even more uncomfortable and I almost wanted to cry for her. One of the nurses came by to give her morphine. In the meantime, it was discovered that she seemed to have some masses around her lungs. They didn't know if it was the cancer spreading, or if it was pneumonia. The next day, she was better but still seemed quite weak. We were relieved that her roommate appeared to be very friendly. In the next two days, as we had requested, my mom got moved to a single: this was partly so my dad could stay with her as it was clear she wanted one of us to stay with her. Since I was already spending so much time there in the daytime such that I wasn't able to respond to my students, we decided it was best for dad to be with her. The weekend of the 26th and 27th were beautiful, sunny days--sort of the eye of the hurricane. Mom was still somewhat weak, but she was eating more and seeming more alert as she wanted to be wheeled down the hall for her "exercise." Two women from the Taiwanese Association came to visit her (the ones I was complaining about earlier); one brought a roast Chinese-styled chicken from the local Asian grocery. On Sunday, she seemed even better and more alert. She ate with more gusto. We were pleased when the doctor making his rounds confirmed that--adding that her lungs were clearing up and she seemed to be recovering from what they were calling pneumonia. Already, I was mentally preparing a discharge from the hospital the next day: I would make or buy whatever breakfast she wanted--and then we would leave for home where I would make extra certain that she did not get sick again. Mom couldn't quite decide what she wanted; so I told her, "look I usually call you in the mornings anyway. So I'll call and you tell me then." I will never forget our goodbyes that weekend. She was awake both afternoons and managed to say "I love you." On Sunday when one of dad's friends was picking me up, she told me "don't get into trouble." Ever the protective mother. That evening, it seemed as if a cloud had been lifted. I had a chat with the lawn service guy who lived across from us. I then called mom to tell about a fly that had gotten into a water bottle which I had sealed immediately. Even after 3 days, it was alive and kicking in that water. Mom, certainly you can thrive right? But she was drifting off. Dad told me she had only eaten some of the food. As I got up next morning to call mom--the morning of the 29th, I received a shock. It was not mom or dad who picked up the phone, but a doctor. And strangely, a doctor with the same surname as my dad's personal physician. (Turned out to be his niece.) I was told mom had suffered a stroke. It would have been her second that year. When I arrived, she (and my dad) had already been wheeled to the ICU. Her room was a wonderful one, all clean and modern, overlooking the hills: it was her best one so far and it was too bad she could not enjoy it. I went and asked what meds she had been given to see if it was any different from what she'd gotten that week--before blowing up at my dad who told me he had also given her aspirin because she'd requested it. WHAT, YOU IDIOT, YOU GAVE HER MORE PAINKILLERS AFTER SHE'D ALREADY GOTTEN A HUGE DOSE?! (Later that night, my pharmacist cousin told me she thought those meds she got over the week were somewhat heavy for someone her age.) There was one only hope left at 12pm: that she would wake up like she did after first stroke. It had taken about 4-5 hours before she had gained consciousness the first time. Maybe this could happen again? The hours went by. 1 pm, 2 pm, 3 pm, 4 pm....and the day becoming increasingly overcast whereas it had been somewhat bright and hazy that morning. It was becoming evident that the hoped-for miracle would not recur. But my dad did tell me something interesting. Late Sunday night or the wee hours of the morning, she had called out for me. Then she proceeded to call her mother and all her siblings from oldest to youngest, not missing a single one. We wonder if she knew the end was coming. (More to come this week...I have so much to do but I feel I need to chronicle her passing. )
  22. It's been a long haul for me, and I guess I'm just hoping that there is someone here who truly understands this pain. I have had more losses in my 37 years than most people endure in a lifetime. As a teenager I lost my mother and all my grandparents, friends along the way and aunts and uncles and then in January of 2013 we lost my Mother in law (whom I had as long as I had my own mother), and found out that we couldn't have children. In December of 2013, my sister died tragically and unexpectedly with no medical reason or answers. She was only 42, and then just over a year later in January of this year my father passed suddenly and unexpectedly at the age of 67. I found him in his kitchen and couldn't save him. He was everything to me. We were very close and talked about everything and now he's gone and I don't know what to do. I thought he'd be here forever. In addition to the grief and images in my mind that I am trying to deal with, I've been left to deal with his entire estate and the legalities of it have been a nightmare. I am blessed to have a wonderful, caring, compassionate, and understanding husband but even though these were all losses for him also, I don't think he truly understands when I say I feel so lonely. He takes that personal. I love him and our marriage, but outside of him and our home there is nothing or no one left. No joy. No one to have holidays with, no birthday celebrations or otherwise. No one to carry traditions on with. I don't know where this path is supposed to take me, or even what the point is now. It feels personal. It feels like punishment. I wouldn't want anyone to have to feel this pain in order to understand, but if you're here and you're reading this, please reach out. Maybe we could help each other. I know people (friends) mean well when they try to give advice or say that they 'could imagine' what I'm going through, but the truth is that they don't have the first clue. Thank you for reading and listening.
  23. As some of you may be aware I have posted this link once before however I will place it here again as I have recently been overwhelmed by the help my writing has given people. I can't quite put into words how much it means to know that I can do my part to help those in similar places as me. Please find my blog here: http://www.believement.wordpress.com For any of you who wish to personally reach out to me I am also contactable via my email: lydiaellejay@yahoo.com
  24. I have shared this blog a few times before. It is raw and real. Although I will never pretend to understand anyone elses grief or claim to be able to help or guide people I have been told that this has aided many peoples grief and loneliness even in the smallest parts. I therefore want to reach out and continue this. Go to : https://believement.wordpress.com/ all my love xxxxxxxxx
  25. hi guys, Almost three months ago I lost my Dad to a sudden heart attack. we had no idea he was sick and he showed no symptoms of heart disease. It was so out of the blue it still feels unreal. Remembering back to the night where I had to call the ambulance and seeing my mum screaming over his body, and having to call my sister and tell her he's dead still gives me panic attacks and nightmares. It's just me and my mum in our house now since my sisters are either at uni or married. Every time i think about the night it happened I cry because there was so much blood where he fell and hit his head when he had the heart failure. there is still a crack in the tile where he hit it and it has dried blood in it that we cant get out. it feels really wrong to keep living here where he died. i hate it. i dont know if it will ever get better because i was his baby girl and i miss him too much. im not sure if i can grow up and become an adult without having my daddy there to help me. i was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder last year and my dad helped me through it all and said he was so proud of me when i overcome it. i dont think i can live without him