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  1. It's been 8 months since my dad suddenly passed away. He had hip surgery and DVT Pulmonary Embolism is what took his life. He was only 63... My parents were divorced when I was 8, and my father took care of my brother and I our entire lives. It was all because of him. I tried so hard to keep working after he passed away in August 2016. I took a week off and went back full time. I only lasted until the beginning of December, thats when I snapped and immediately quit. I took less than 3 months off, I had just started a new job a few weeks ago. Now my god mothers mother passed away (been family friends since before I was born) and her viewing was on my birthday. I was already upset because it's my first birthday without my dad who I spent it with every year the past 22 years, and now I have to go to viewing. It caused me to have a mental breakdown and I quit again. I can't seem to hold a job now, I'm not mentally stable. My husband keeps telling me its okay and that I need time... and he is very supportive of me. But I can't help but feel like such a piece of **** or a disappointment to everyone. I have always worked since I was 14. I always worked and went to school and now I can't seem to hold on to a job without making a fool of myself and leaving. My last job I just no called no showed. I have never had this behavior in my life. I can't help but to feel so helpless. I don't know what I'm even trying to ask. All I know is I'm not happy and I feel like I'm making it so hard are everyone especially my husband. I'm just so sad though, I cry out to him daily. I just don't know what I'm doing anymore. Can you guys share what happened after your parent passed?
  2. When I was 7 Years old I lost my mother to Ovarian Cancer. She had the illness for three years but me and my brother who was only five didn't know. That was her choice, not to tell us but I still remember what happened like it was yesterday. On May 19th, I was in an accident, small one but I broke my finger and I had to go to the Emergency Room. My friend's mum was babysitting me and my friend at my house, my dad was at the hospital with her. He came back home, looking like he had been crying but he brushed it off when I asked. He then took me to a different hospital where they looked at my finger. When I was ready to go to sleep I hear the stairs creak and I know that it's my dad but hope it's my mum because she would still try to be there for me and my brother at events because she wanted a normal life for us. My dad was talking to my little brother and I heard my brother cry, I was scared to get up, brushed it off at first. He then came into my room and said "Mummy has died." I then cried for several hours and sat there and named everything I couldn't do without her. God, I miss her. She would always go the extra mile to help me out, she never failed me. I thought her illness was as bad as a cold because I was so young and didn't even know what happened. I didn't even know what cancer was, my brother didn't even know what death meant he was 5, but his instincts told him. I remember getting cards from everyone at school, people I didn't even know. I feel so numb. I'm on antidepressants now and they help, but I wish I could forget. I also am happy I remember but maybe I wouldn't be this shattered emotionally if I didn't remember. I remember her funeral way too well. We went to a church and then we had her service. Everyone was crying except me, my dad and my brother. At one point my brother started to cry and say "I miss my mummy. When is she coming back from heaven?" Or something along those lines. That broke my heart, and set me off crying for the first time since I cried that night. We were all in shock. At her burial I did the best to distract my brother and my grandma, her mother. That's what I tend to do, I care for others more than myself. I kept a smile on my face the whole funeral, watching my relatives sob. bI wanted to break and I needed her to get out of that casket and hug me and never let me go, but I knew that wasn't going to happen. I was in denial until the funeral. The 'moving on' part was a big slap in the face. You can't move on, but you have to live your life and that was the worst part for me. I didn't want to let her go. Actually no, the worst part was I didn't get to say goodbye. She left me a note with some of her memories and other details in it and she was so weak but she kept on typing. I won't go into full detail about the note, but included some of her favourite memories we spent. That broke my heart, because I didn't even appreciate them when they happened. I know it could be so much worse, but that's the story of how I lost my mother. I'm still learning to survive with Grief and it's the hardest thing I've ever learnt to cope with. I haven't been to her grave in 6 years, we moved countries after she died and that made it a lot worse. I remember spending everyday for 3 days after school in the hospital with her and her face still haunts me, maybe in a good way. But I watched her slowly die and I don't think I will ever be able to erase that.Thank you for reading this, maybe I will do an update in the future. Rest In Peace Verity. Also, Our family has a history of this type of Cancer so either I'm going to get it or if I have a daughter she will get it. It sometimes skips a generation but either me or her is going to die from it before the age of 60 like the other women in our family, also I do know the chances are small but I'm a teenager and I know that that's a risk I just can't take. I haven;t told my friends but I hate the fact that I can't have kids, I may be getting a test for the gene BRCA1 and BRCA2 so I will maybe do an update then,I know I can still have kids but it's such a high risk. I love kids, I can't take a chance and give her a short life. I wouldn't know the gender but I can't live thinking I've set my daughter up for death. DISCLAIMER: I am not pregnant now and won't be for either a while or never.
  3. I've never done this before. My therapist recommended somewhere online I might find someone who can relate. So, here goes. I grew up as an only child and with one parent, my mother. I lost my mom four years ago this April. I never got to talk to her before she died. I was working out of state saving money to make her life better. I don't know how it happened, but it was a car accident. When I asked about it, I'm told it's none of my business. When it happened, I was told it was a broken leg and nothing more. I thought; okay. Good. Just a leg. Could be worse, but thank god it's not. I'll take time off and stay with her in the hospital. When she's released, we'll either go back home or back to my place. I'll work and take care of her and hire a nurse to be with her while I'm at work. I lived about three hours from the hospital she was at and I rushed to her. My uncle's wife gave me bad directions, so I ended up at the wrong hospital! She called the cellphone and gave the right directions to my friend while I drove. Ten minutes away and without so much as a care to her voice, I heard her say to my friend; "the doctors aren't gonna wait any longer. She's dead." And hung up. I found out the truth. It wasn't her leg. It had nothing to do with her leg, it was fine. My mom's neck had been crushed. The part about my mom's neck I just found out last month. Once we found the right hospital, the police were waiting and questioned me for hours. finally, I was released to see my mom and talk to the doctor. She was brain dead, but her heart was going strong and on life support. Which I didn't understand if she was gone. I tried to talk to the doctor, but her family pulled me away and started going on about what they wanted. The doctor managed to tell me I had to chose. Pull the plug or keep her on life support. I tried to ask him about what would happen if kept on life support, but yet again her family pulled me away. Telling me to do what they wanted. Telling me to do what my grandfather wanted. I wanted to hear the doctor out to tell me what happened and what would be better for my mom. When it came down to it, it was just me. My choice. I didn't have a father to make the choice or talk me through it. I didn't have siblings to hold hands with and cry. I didn't even have a spouse. My family were of no help, talking over me and ignoring me. I was only allowed to agree with them. When I cried, I was yelled at that I had no right. Maybe I didn't.....finally, I agreed to pull the plug. I never spoke to the doctor or a nurse. I told them I wanted to be with her when she went. My family argued obviously. I went to her room and held her hand, talked to her, kissed her and rubbed her feet and legs, brushed her hair and tucked her in. It took ten minutes. In those ten minutes, her father nor siblings never came to the room. My cousins popped in every few seconds. After those minutes, I told her I loved her and made her comfortable. When I tried to leave the room, I froze. If I left, it meant everything was real and not a dream. I lost it and a nurse and the doctor helped me to a private room. Sorry for the long post. I've never told anyone besides my therapist about that day. Those that know choose to ignore it.
  4. I've recently lost my mother almost a month ago due to cancer and I've just been depressed about it and have no clue how to get passed the fact that she's gone and that I'll never get to see her again or get to hear her say I love you or anything ever again... so my question is how do I get passed being depressed and this feeling of being lost and alone? Just how to feel happy again?
  5. The other day, my dad suddenly passed away. On Friday at around 1:30 in the morning I was woken up by my mom. She told me not to freak out, and that my dad has been in a car accident. I immediately freaked out and started sobbing. I couldn't control it, but my sisters were sleeping in the other room. I eventually calmed down and my mom told me that she was going to the hospital. After she left, I tried to sleep. I couldn't. I stayed up the rest of the night texting my mom to get as much information as I could. She said that his brain was okay and that he could move his arms and legs. He did, however, have internal bleeding. He was taken into surgery and died, because his heart stopped. I had fallen asleep for an hour, because I thought that he would get through this. I thought he would get out of surgery and he would come home. My mom called me from downstairs, waking me up, and said that she wanted to see me. I walked downstairs and before I could get to the bottom, I saw boots that resembled my dad's. I immediately got excited and stepped down a few more only to see that it was my uncle. I walked into the other room where my mom was. I heard my sisters crying, but I thought it was because they were told he was in an accident. Then my mom looked at me and whispered, "Daddy didn't make it." At first I refused to believe her and I ran back upstairs sobbing. It didn't seem real. That whole day was pretty bad. I would go from sobbing to being fine, back to sobbing. It's still like that today. Every time I see something of his or something that reminds me of him, I start crying. I think that the main thing that bothers me is that his death wasn't fast. He was drunk and speeding. He wasn't wearing a seatbelt. He missed a curve and ran into a ditch and the car flipped 7 times. He was ejected from the seat and broke some ribs, his pelvis, neck, and severed his spine. He was still conscious when the police found him an estimated 45 minutes after the accident. They put him under anesthesia in case they had to do emergency surgery. I believe that he would have lived if he was found sooner. My last words to him were, "Get out of my room." He was drunk and yelling at me. I didn't see him after that. My dad has been an alcoholic his whole life. It sucks, but he was an amazing person when he wasn't drunk. He was selfless. He did anything he could to help any and everyone. I loved him so much. I'm only 17. The funeral was today, but the viewing was on my birthday. When I saw him for the first time, I wanted to explode. It took everything I had to not drop to the floor and scream. He was drained of his usual red tint. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that he wasn't alive. I stared at him for 20 minutes expecting him to just get up and tell me it would be okay. I calmed down by convincing myself that he was at peace. My dad was only 46. He had a good 40 or so years left, but that was cut short. I'm having trouble coping with this whole thing. I don't know when the crying will stop. I haven't felt genuinely happy at all since before it happened. I've had a constant feeling in my chest since I heard the news. It feels like a weight is sitting on my heart. I don't feel like eating, drinking, leaving my house, or anything. I just want to sleep, because sleeping is the only time I'm not thinking about it. I constantly feel like crying. When I'm not, I'm angry. I feel like there is a void that can never be filled. My uncles will probably step up and be a father figure to me and my sisters, but it won't be the same. I have felt alone since it happened. I've been surrounded by friends and family since this whole thing began, but I've felt so alone. I've tried talking about how I feel with people, but it hasn't helped. Every time I think about how much of a good person he was and how he impacted my life, I cry even harder because he didn't deserve what happened to him. I feel like my whole world has collapsed around me. I haven't stopped crying since the start. I don't know what to do. I'm trying to accept God into my life. I had my doubts before, but I think my faith will be my only solace.
  6. Hi - I'm new here and so glad that I found this forum. My father passed in 2004 at age 60 from lung cancer. He and I were very close. I still miss him dearly. My mother passed away January 1, 2016. My mother's passing was not expected. Her health was failing, rapidly in the last month but there was always hope mostly because no one really knew what was going on. I was long distance (7 hour drive away) with two small children to take care of (now 5 and 7). I am an only child. I feel like I could have done so much more for my mother. I often have feelings of guilt about this. I was sometimes unkind to her out of frustration. I have a tendency to get angry when I'm upset and/or feel out of control. I also feel guilty because, at the time of her death, I felt a bit of relief. I feel like I haven't really grieved her. After the week of the funeral - clearing out her apartment in a hurry, dealing with an unfriendly landlord, and financial issues - I went right back to "normal" life. Everyone where I live assumed I was strong, brave, whatever, and didn't really support me. I have felt very alone but sort of tucked that away. Over the last two months, I've developed intense anxiety.I started medication that sometimes works, sometimes doesn't. I constantly feel like my life is about to fall apart. I have stressors that are real and some that are my own invention. For instance, I can feel my heart rate go up and have my stomach get upset just trying to figure out what to pack in my girls' lunchboxes in the morning. My spouse is tired of hearing about my anxieties. He tries to be supportive, just doesn't know how and does get exhausted hearing the same things over and over. I've only cried a couple of times. It came out of the blue and didn't last long. I'm wondering if anyone has experienced, is experiencing, the same and/or if anyone has advice to offer. My gratitude in advance for any feedback. Peace, Jess
  7. Hi!! I'm a 17 year old just letting it all out. I could use some advice. It's about to be a year and a month since my dad passed away and I just can'tcope with it, or I guess I don't want to accept the fact that he is gone. My mom wants to get married soon and that really saddens me and makes me angry because I feel like we( my sibbilings and I) need time, I really don't want her to get married this soon, she just met the guy and he's a total stranger to us, and the only thing she does is call us selfish because we don't want her to get married. I really don't know what to do, this few weeks I've been feeling really down, and crying for my dad a lot .. It's just SO hard, life is harder without him. Ps: I'm sorry this is all over the place, and it probably makes no sense. Excuse me is this is not well written, English isn't my first lenguage, but for some reason I wouldn't have been able to write this down ( or express myself, should I say?) in Spanish.
  8. Alright, I'm going to give you the whole story, but first let me tell you a little about me. I am a 15 year old, male, who was very close to my mother. She had been dealing with cancer almost my whole life. Let me tell you a little about my Mom. She was a nice, caring, and stubborn person. Her favorite drink was diet coke and she smoked cigarretes since she was 16. DON'T ANYONE SAY THAT IS PROBABLY THE REASON SHE HAD CANCER, BECAUSE IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. SMOKING IS NOT EVEN PROVEN, FULLY, TO CAUSE CANCER. LEAST OF ALL BREAST CANCER. She got married in the 80's and had two children, my older sisters (27 and 28). She got divorced in 89 and married my father in 98. In 2001, I was born. Shortly after she got cancer. In 2003, my Mom was diagnosed with stage 0 breast cancer, in her breast. It was "simple" back then. She had a double vasectomy and that was the end of that. The doctor said that the surgery was 99.99% effective. Well, in 2010, she was diagnosed again with stage 0 breast cancer, in her breast. Alright, this is slightly more complicated because it came back. She went on chemo for about 8 monts, had radiation, and had a total breast reconstruction. This route is even more effective than a double vasectomy, especially for a stage 0 breast cancer patient. The doctors and us all thought, ok what are the odds that the cancer will come back after all the treatment she went through. Again, well, in 2013, she was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer that had metastisized to her brain, back, lungs, liver, and lymphnodes. After she was diagnosed, she took off disability from her job because she knew that she couldn't work and have treatment. Her doctor at the time, same doctor she had in 03 and 10, was ready to get on it and battle it with as much treatment as possible. As much as my mom wanted to be treated, she didn't want that to be the doctors only focus. As some of you may know, when you have stage 4 cancer your doctor should focus on two things treatment AND quality of life. As a result of that, she switched doctors. This new doctor focused on treatment and quality of life. My mom spent the first two years after diagnosis doing different chemos, and had back and brain radiation. She would take a week off here or there to go on vacation. Year three she definitley lived her way. She went on four cruises, two trips to Las Vegas, and two cabin trips, all while taking different chemo therapies. Until, in June 2016, she took a chemo called Doxil. Doxil is a very bad, hard, and strong chemo that take a grear toll on the heart. She started taking this because her cancer had been declared too aggressive, and it needed to battle back with a very aggressiev chemo. After taking two rounds, she was unabe to handle it so her doctor took her off of that chemo and switched her on to a pill form of xillota, I think that's how you spell it. She got scans soon before she started that new chemo and they showed improvement in the cancer. She started xillota in late August. She was on it for about a week then she started having bad diarrehea and was getting dehydrated. She went to the doctor and she set up an appointment at the hospital on Saturday for her to get fluids and orderd for her to stop taking the chemo. On Saturday she went to the hospital and got fluids, but she started throwing up, so they decided to keep her overnight. She was in there from Saturday and was discharged on Tuesday. Everyday she was in the hospiatl she was getting weaker and weaker. She had to start using a walker. Her brain function had dramtically decreased since she was discharge (confusion, halucinations, etc.). I was having to help her around the hause even with her walker. The following Staurday she was being unreponsive and refusing to take her pain medicine, which she took on a regular basis for back pain. My dad called 911 and she refused to go the hospital. My dad tried to get her to at least drink something and she wouldn't. About an hour later he called 911 again and she went to the hospital. They ran a CT scan and they noticed that her cnacer had shown improvement, but her blood work showed an irregularity in the liver. Her oncologist ordered ot do an MRI of the liver on Sunday to closely examine what is going on their. On Monday the doctor came in with the results. Her cancer had almost completley taken over her liver. In other words, her liver was failing. The doctor said that there is no chancer for a transplant and that she estimates that the end will come in the next two days. The hardest thing my Dad had to do was tell me and My sisters that our Mom was dying. On that day, the nurses swithced over to comfort care. If you haven't noticed by now my Mom is a fighter. She made it from the Saturday she was brought in until 1:25 A.M on Saturday, September 3rd, 2016. All of the doctors and nurses were in awe of how long she made it. This is the hardest thing I ever had to go through. I, luckily, was ablr to get time alone with hevr in the hsopital to tell her how much I love her. It was terrible being in that hospital everyday and watching her slowly die. The important thing is that she was comforatble. However, I was fine the first week but when the second week came it all hot me. I was in the shower listening to music. I was begging and pleaing for my Mom to come home and give me a hug one last time. Then, all of a sudden, the music changed to one of my Mom's favorite songs. I started crying hysterically becasue, in my opinion, I knew that she was there and hat was her way of letting= me know that she us allright and I will be fine too. However, it is still too hard. I constantly think about her or things I could tell her, but then I remember that I can't. Please give me any advice you have on how to cope. Also, if you have any questions, please feel free to ask. I will answer to the best of my ability. One of my main reasons of writing this is so all of you Stage 0 or Stage 1 and even Stage 2 people realise that it could very EASILY happen to you too. Spend time with your family and tell them everything no matter how hard it is. The only thing my Mom kept from me during this whol etime was her life expectancy. Apparently when she was first diagnosed she asked the doctor what the life expectancy is. The doctor said, a "typical case" last about three years. My Mom made it three years and two months. Thank you for taking the time to read this. If anyine has any suggestions on how to cope with this, it will be much appreciated.
  9. Some days are definitely harder than others without you Mama!.. We (meaning A LOT of people) lost Terri Therese Sheridan on November 23, 2014 to glioblastoma brain cancer after the fight if a life time that last lasted a very long year and a half; which was a roller coaster with highs and lows, sharp and steady turns. I think the strangest moment for me was about a month and a half before Mommy passed I was told I had a lump in my breast and due to her dementia, phone calls were not a coherent conversation ability she held any longer. It was the first time I was never going to be able to call her again to tell her something bad had happened, that I was scared, worried, needed her support. Luckily the diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound a couple weeks later showed no tumor! Again, I wanted to call Mama but realized I couldn't ever again; besides that who wants to tell they're dying mother that they found a lump in the breast just so she can have a heart attack or go completely insane but she was well on her way on her own to that. But, thanks to the supposed hospice care at a 24 hour facility who would thank me not to mention them - she was completely drugged up into a sleep coma the last three weeks of her life anyways. Thanks Medicare! So here I am today, probably several bottles of whiskey, wine, prescription pain killers, six-packs, cigarette packs, jobs later with a depression that just seems to kick in whenever it feels like. Good news is I have attended one AA meeting recently, cut way back on the drinking with more to do there, recovered from the two motorcycle accidents I needed meds for, and quit smoking thanks to a zero mg tobacco vaporizer. Everything just seems so damn harder and sometimes overwhelming without you here. Today was one of those days I usually give myself permission to have about once a month. One of those days where I make an obnoxiously large quantity of popcorn and sit alone at home all day in my living room watching movies. I don't think this is good for me because the high lasts until the credits come and I'm back to a reality check that I didn't accomplish much today and it's directly related to being overwhelmed, depressed, exhausted, feeling alone, worthless, old, fat, ugly... Basically a bunch of crap in my head that Mama would shake out me. One thing I do that helps me not repeat days like today is GRATITUDE first thing when I wake up in the morning I must list to myself somehow all the simple wonderful people, places, things, dreams, etc. I am grateful for. Also, I really need to remember what my Mama would say to me if she was here and knew how I'm feeling. You know what that INCREDIBLE Lady would say? Get over it! Life is WONDERFUL! So I will try to remember that next time the dark cloud appears. But for now, she prayed for a 'bu' for me And he has been here with me since I moved back home from Hawaii to be with her three months before she passed. J has been my rock and lost his Dad to suicide 10 years ago. We will be together two years in September 2016 and the anniversary of my Mom becoming an Angel is two years November 23, 2016. I thank Creator every day for the love he has shared with me. I'm also very grateful that at 41 unable to get pregnant, that he has a beautiful six year old daughter who has been my best friend from the moment we met, I still have my Dad at 74 years old I have to accept that he won't be here forever but for now he's two miles away and I get to see him much more often than the 12 years I spent over 3,000 miles of open ocean, a busy brother, a difficult relationship with my sister - but at least we try, and many more wonderful friends and family. I have learned the hard way living in paradise (California ain't to shabby either) People are more important than places! God Bless all of you in your loss and grief... This is my first time here, but surely not my last. Thank you for giving me a place to get through this day and the next. I LOVE YOU ALWAYS & FOREVER Mama!!!
  10. September has been a very difficult month for me this year--and not just because of professional pressures. Traditionally, it's always been a refreshing month of sorts, if not mostly because there's the first real whiff of fall in the air (now that seasons seem to be starting later and later). It's always marked a new school term with all of the excitement that it brings. Hopes of new projects. A time to break out new fall fashions. And yes, the approach of Halloween: meaning more horror to watch on TV. Last year changed that optimism so drastically. It was last September when my mom's decline assumed a frightening pace--right up to her death on October 4, 2014. Not that we ever gave up hope entirely. After all, her CAT scan had shown that she had improved in some places, and deteriorated in others. When my cousin and her husband came to visit us in mid-September, she seemed happy. Yet, it seemed strange to us that her red and white blood cells kept declining so markedly, even though she was still fit for chemo. That she suffered more and more severe stomach pains: not just once a day, but multiple times. That she could not see objects placed straight in front of her. That she could only go down the stairs with extreme difficulty. This was not the mom I had in February or even in May when she could still go up and down with ease, despite her stroke in April. It was on September 21 that she looked so uncomfortable and very cranky. Strange, because she seemed be doing much better the day before, a Saturday. She ate a good deal and I was happy. On Sunday, tempers flew. I threatened Mom if she didn't start eating or stop talking the way she was, I was going to call the visiting nurse. It was meant as both a threat and yet also as a possible life saver. After all, what if mom was about to suffer a stroke or heart failure? Finally, by early evening, I thought it was better to give a call. Up till very recently, I still had (or have?) no idea if I did the right thing. The nurse decided she needed to go and so she went. My mom was furious at me--and also began to suffer severe pains and low oxygen. They put an oxygen mask on her which made her even more uncomfortable and I almost wanted to cry for her. One of the nurses came by to give her morphine. In the meantime, it was discovered that she seemed to have some masses around her lungs. They didn't know if it was the cancer spreading, or if it was pneumonia. The next day, she was better but still seemed quite weak. We were relieved that her roommate appeared to be very friendly. In the next two days, as we had requested, my mom got moved to a single: this was partly so my dad could stay with her as it was clear she wanted one of us to stay with her. Since I was already spending so much time there in the daytime such that I wasn't able to respond to my students, we decided it was best for dad to be with her. The weekend of the 26th and 27th were beautiful, sunny days--sort of the eye of the hurricane. Mom was still somewhat weak, but she was eating more and seeming more alert as she wanted to be wheeled down the hall for her "exercise." Two women from the Taiwanese Association came to visit her (the ones I was complaining about earlier); one brought a roast Chinese-styled chicken from the local Asian grocery. On Sunday, she seemed even better and more alert. She ate with more gusto. We were pleased when the doctor making his rounds confirmed that--adding that her lungs were clearing up and she seemed to be recovering from what they were calling pneumonia. Already, I was mentally preparing a discharge from the hospital the next day: I would make or buy whatever breakfast she wanted--and then we would leave for home where I would make extra certain that she did not get sick again. Mom couldn't quite decide what she wanted; so I told her, "look I usually call you in the mornings anyway. So I'll call and you tell me then." I will never forget our goodbyes that weekend. She was awake both afternoons and managed to say "I love you." On Sunday when one of dad's friends was picking me up, she told me "don't get into trouble." Ever the protective mother. That evening, it seemed as if a cloud had been lifted. I had a chat with the lawn service guy who lived across from us. I then called mom to tell about a fly that had gotten into a water bottle which I had sealed immediately. Even after 3 days, it was alive and kicking in that water. Mom, certainly you can thrive right? But she was drifting off. Dad told me she had only eaten some of the food. As I got up next morning to call mom--the morning of the 29th, I received a shock. It was not mom or dad who picked up the phone, but a doctor. And strangely, a doctor with the same surname as my dad's personal physician. (Turned out to be his niece.) I was told mom had suffered a stroke. It would have been her second that year. When I arrived, she (and my dad) had already been wheeled to the ICU. Her room was a wonderful one, all clean and modern, overlooking the hills: it was her best one so far and it was too bad she could not enjoy it. I went and asked what meds she had been given to see if it was any different from what she'd gotten that week--before blowing up at my dad who told me he had also given her aspirin because she'd requested it. WHAT, YOU IDIOT, YOU GAVE HER MORE PAINKILLERS AFTER SHE'D ALREADY GOTTEN A HUGE DOSE?! (Later that night, my pharmacist cousin told me she thought those meds she got over the week were somewhat heavy for someone her age.) There was one only hope left at 12pm: that she would wake up like she did after first stroke. It had taken about 4-5 hours before she had gained consciousness the first time. Maybe this could happen again? The hours went by. 1 pm, 2 pm, 3 pm, 4 pm....and the day becoming increasingly overcast whereas it had been somewhat bright and hazy that morning. It was becoming evident that the hoped-for miracle would not recur. But my dad did tell me something interesting. Late Sunday night or the wee hours of the morning, she had called out for me. Then she proceeded to call her mother and all her siblings from oldest to youngest, not missing a single one. We wonder if she knew the end was coming. (More to come this week...I have so much to do but I feel I need to chronicle her passing. )
  11. Got a call that my dad wasn't doing well again and my mom (his ex-wife) said she was going up there to sit with him, i figured id stay home bc my sister was out and wouldnt be back til late and my stapdad was coming in from work which would also be late, and we have a dog and cats that needed to be fed and stuff, but my mom said " karen i think you should go." i was reluctant bc.. im not sure why tbh, maybe my selfishness of just not wanting to go and wanting to stay home along with seeing him like that not hardly waking up and trying to get him to eat and drink and getting hardly any sleep in the combination - but i got ready and we headed on up to the VA and planned to stay. I think i saw some tears in his eyes. i hope not. i really hope it was just like from where you wake up and your eyes are watery, he could barely open his eyes though, but he looked at me when i finally got his attention. i was woken up from the TV being on, and being sore from laying in the reclining chair but im glad i was awake, bc i put the cover over my head to keep the TV from bothering me, and heard my dads breathing which was at 40 breaths a minute all day, stop suddenly. For a split second i thought it might be a sigh or a yawn, but i think knew what it really was - i turned around placed my hand on his arm and i saw my mom standing there on the other side of him and she said his name "Chris?" she held his hand. I said "Dad?" and his eyes were so wide, he hasnt hardly been able to open his eyes the past few weeks and it was weird to see his eyes so large and wide, and he drew in two more breaths and he was gone. all the while i was telling him i love you i love you, over and over because i found out the hearing is the last thing to go, and i said "i love you, i love you so much, you're my favorite" but i love my mom and dad the same so idk why i said that. at that time i think he was already gone. my mom was crying but i didnt, not right away i felt weird and then nauseous, i was by the window and i think i got up at that moment after my mom went to get someone i dont remember much other then i held his hand after he was gone and his eyes closed a little bit, my mom kissed him on the head and i couldnt look at him directly i just said, i love you over and over i couldnt think of anything to say, but i did finally look at him and i stroked his cheek. ive never seen someone die. didnt think id see my dad go. not in 1 million years. but im glad he wasnt alone. i think i got really upset and realized he really was gone when the head nurse came in and he said "Morgue" as in bring him to the morgue at some point. i felt his presence all day, or maybe it was me just missing him, my twin said the same thing that she didn't feel he was truly gone. we knew this was going to happen but.. this is my dad i never actually considered it was going to happen. ive been getting really weak in the knees and arms since his passing. me and my mom didnt hardly speak on the way home but we came in my sister was laying on the loveseat crying and she told me that the social worker informed her of dad's passing thinking she was me. i felt terrible that she had to get the news that way. she even asked me earlier that day "do you think i should come up" i told her i wasn't sure this time, but she tried to reassure me and herself i think that he would pull through like last week. i really just didn't want to bother her happy day with her bf and his daughter. i laid down to sleep but it was hard, didnt seem real, like should i really go to sleep? or what. but i did eventually. i told my sister as soon as i woke up i said " i had a dream about dad" and i told her what it was about, then she said " so did I" so she told me what it was about, but she was dreamt about him before she knew he was gone, this is what she told me. (my sister was at home asleep, and i tried to call her then i think i called my stepdad and idr who else my mom called and.. well anyways, the social worker called her thinking she was me, and my sister thought it was a joke when she said "im so sorry about your dad" and i cant imagine how my twin sister felt, the lady on the phone realized she hadn't gotten the news yet and that she was speaking with the wrong person and even thought she had the wrong family for a moment.) The dream she told me was that she saw him and he was in an old hospital ward, one of the big open dorms, it was dark with high windows and golden sunlight coming through, and our dad was standing tall and proud in his USAF blues looking at her, and he was young again and she said "he looked so handsome" and she told me she was talking to him he was looking at her in a way like "what's wrong?" and there was a door behind him and he kinda nodded at her and he started going to the door she said "dad! where are you going?" and at that point she was woken up by the call. i was really in disbelief when she told me that but i believe her, she wouldnt lie about something like that. ever. i had a dream too but mine was gloomy and this was after i came home to try to sleep, i was in a corner the room was dark and the only light was from a TV coming from a low position, my dad had already passed and he was in a bed, his hair was more grown out and messy. Elvis Presley: Blue Christmas was playing on an old record player and this black cat comes out of nowhere and sits on his chest and brings him back to life he raised his head and looked at me, i think i said "dad!! youre okay!" and he said "hey" and something else but that's all i recall. mine was definitely more of wishful thinking type dream. this morning when i went outside to get some air and to get out of the bathroom because my sis needed to shower, i saw 2 black tiny butterflies fluttering around and coming near me then i looked over towards the backyard woods when 3 or 4 of those large tiger swallowtails fly in my direction they all hovered near me for a bit and then were gone the sun was shining really bright and pretty at that moment. when i went inside it got cloudy. i wonder if it's possible that was him in some way? idk maybe wishful thinking. i miss him, my heart hurts. thanks for reading.
  12. We all want the people we love to be remembered forever, and to be shown and shared with the world. Post the pictures of your lost loved ones for everyone to see
  13. It's been a long haul for me, and I guess I'm just hoping that there is someone here who truly understands this pain. I have had more losses in my 37 years than most people endure in a lifetime. As a teenager I lost my mother and all my grandparents, friends along the way and aunts and uncles and then in January of 2013 we lost my Mother in law (whom I had as long as I had my own mother), and found out that we couldn't have children. In December of 2013, my sister died tragically and unexpectedly with no medical reason or answers. She was only 42, and then just over a year later in January of this year my father passed suddenly and unexpectedly at the age of 67. I found him in his kitchen and couldn't save him. He was everything to me. We were very close and talked about everything and now he's gone and I don't know what to do. I thought he'd be here forever. In addition to the grief and images in my mind that I am trying to deal with, I've been left to deal with his entire estate and the legalities of it have been a nightmare. I am blessed to have a wonderful, caring, compassionate, and understanding husband but even though these were all losses for him also, I don't think he truly understands when I say I feel so lonely. He takes that personal. I love him and our marriage, but outside of him and our home there is nothing or no one left. No joy. No one to have holidays with, no birthday celebrations or otherwise. No one to carry traditions on with. I don't know where this path is supposed to take me, or even what the point is now. It feels personal. It feels like punishment. I wouldn't want anyone to have to feel this pain in order to understand, but if you're here and you're reading this, please reach out. Maybe we could help each other. I know people (friends) mean well when they try to give advice or say that they 'could imagine' what I'm going through, but the truth is that they don't have the first clue. Thank you for reading and listening.
  14. As some of you may be aware I have posted this link once before however I will place it here again as I have recently been overwhelmed by the help my writing has given people. I can't quite put into words how much it means to know that I can do my part to help those in similar places as me. Please find my blog here: For any of you who wish to personally reach out to me I am also contactable via my email:
  15. I have shared this blog a few times before. It is raw and real. Although I will never pretend to understand anyone elses grief or claim to be able to help or guide people I have been told that this has aided many peoples grief and loneliness even in the smallest parts. I therefore want to reach out and continue this. Go to : all my love xxxxxxxxx
  16. It's been over a year since my father died of pancreatic cancer and my mother is ready to start dating again. I've actually been hoping she would date again because she's living alone, as my brother and I are in our early twenties. While I'm glad she's dating again, I do not know how to breach certain topics with her, as we have never been particularly close--my father and I were close while she and my brother were close. We've always been a family who shields our emotions and don't talk about our personal lives. I have the following two concerns which I do not know how or if I should voice to her: 1) I don't mind her dating, but I also don't want to hear about her barring experiences. It's a little bit TMI for me as well as too much of my mothering her. When I come home to visit, all she cares about is going to the bars--which is fine--but I'm not a fan of her coming back at 2 am in the morning, drunk, and then waking me up to talk about it. I understand she wants to have fun and she should--but she's acting like a reckless teenager while I'm cleaning up after her 2) I don't want to meet these new guys unless she's serious about them. My mother has been with my father since she was 17--he was her first and only boyfriend. I know that she's not really in tune with dating and I expect it will take her a while to find the "right" guy, especially when she's meeting them in bars. In the meantime, I don't really want to meet every guy she dates on the few days I can return for visits. I don't want to be unsupportive but every guy has a different dynamic in what he thinks his role with me (as his girlfriend's kid) should be. 3) I know this may be a little too far in the future--I may be worrying for nothing--but how do you tell your parent when the new guy is acting like he's your father and you don't find it acceptable? I've noticed that a lot of family friends have been trying to step in as my new "father figure" and in a lot of cases, I personally feel they are overstepping boundaries. I know it's all good-natured and well-intended, but it bothers me that people are trying to tell me what to do and/or making demands of me. I'm a pretty good kid, with a 4.0 GPA, full scholarship, and graduating from college in 3 years with a double major--despite my father's cancer being during my senior year of high school until junior year of college. I'm not trying to be disrespectful. I just think I'm too old to have people--especially any of my mother's suitors--trying to condescend to me and become my new father. I don't want to be a b***** and say that they're not a part of my family, but I don't want or need a new father figure and I feel too old to be treated like I'm a child whom can be condescended to as a child. My brother feels the same way. How do I mention this without seeming unsupportive? I want my mom to be happy with a new guy but I don't want him thinking he can simply replace my father.
  17. hi guys, Almost three months ago I lost my Dad to a sudden heart attack. we had no idea he was sick and he showed no symptoms of heart disease. It was so out of the blue it still feels unreal. Remembering back to the night where I had to call the ambulance and seeing my mum screaming over his body, and having to call my sister and tell her he's dead still gives me panic attacks and nightmares. It's just me and my mum in our house now since my sisters are either at uni or married. Every time i think about the night it happened I cry because there was so much blood where he fell and hit his head when he had the heart failure. there is still a crack in the tile where he hit it and it has dried blood in it that we cant get out. it feels really wrong to keep living here where he died. i hate it. i dont know if it will ever get better because i was his baby girl and i miss him too much. im not sure if i can grow up and become an adult without having my daddy there to help me. i was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder last year and my dad helped me through it all and said he was so proud of me when i overcome it. i dont think i can live without him
  18. We have known for about 9 months now that he was very, very sick. But the doctors gave us a lot of hope in that he was a great candidate for a life-saving transplant. Now, with a quick downturn in his health, they are giving him just a few more weeks at most to live. This has been a very long, and horribly sad year for everyone in my family. Watching a loved one suffer is un-describable, and with it happening over the holidays, it makes everything feel even more wrong. We were lucky enough for my dad to be in a good place for two days, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. With some extra effort, we brought him home for those days from the hospital. He had to have a full time nurse with him, which made it a little uncomfortable and different from what we are used to. On Christmas day, we let the nurse go home for four hours, so she could be with her family, and we could have some quiet to ourselves to open a few presents (we didn't do much this year- nothing under the tree, just a few things in each stocking), and to have our traditional christmas dinner that we do every year. For those few hours, things felt normal. From then until now, things have gotten a lot harder. He has made the decision where he wants to be buried. A few days ago, he told my mom he didn't want to fight anymore. Today, we chose the hospice home in which he will die. He isn't very responsive anymore, and looks very bad. He used to be a big man with the thickest mustache you had ever seen (just like one on a walrus). He is now half my size, and covered in massive bruises- because he is so sick that with any bandage or needle, his skin bruises or tears open. His mustache is so thinned out, and they trimmed it way back in case of him needing tubes. Never once in my life, even before I was born, has he not had a thick mustache. I can't even recognize him anymore. In two weeks, I am supposed to transfer colleges. I have never been there before, and will be going in totally blind. I made the choice to transfer a few months ago, so I could be closer to home. But I don't know anyone there, and it will be at the same time as the most difficult time I have ever faced. My parents both said that no matter what, I needed to go and continue my life. I already took last semester off of school to do an internship and be more accessible to my family. On one hand, I am excited to start somewhere fresh as a college junior. I will do a sorority rush which starts the day after I get there, so I have something aside from classes to keep me from sitting in bed all day. But at the same time, I feel guilty for being excited about this new chapter in my life. I know my dad wants me to keep living and be happy, but it is so hard. I feel so much fear, sadness, guilt, anger, and hate all the time, and it is getting so hard to cope. It has been so bad, that I haven't been brave enough to see my dad in a few days. He isn't concious anymore, and I know I should be there and sit with him,. but I just can't. I drive up to the hospital with my mom, and end up sitting alone in the cafeteria staring numbly at a cup of tea. I feel so guilty, and I don't want him to think that I don't love him or want to see him, because I do. I love him so much, and I'm terrified and I don't know what to do anymore.
  19. My father, a lifetime smoker, has been lucky enough to live to 70. Recent medical check ups revealed several spots on his lungs. I am shocked at both of my parents as they are both unwilling to combat their addiction or actively work to get healthy. As if, they expected to check out at this age and have nothing else to live for. It upsets me. He is such a big part of our family tree. I've asked my father to begin a journal and an inventory of messages in anticipation of his death. I asked him what he would say to his four sons, 6 grandchildren, and daughters-in law after his death. I asked him to record video wishing his grandchildren happy birthdays for years to come, graduations, weddings, and future family births. I asked him to leave messages to us to help us grieve after he is gone and to give us his history so we never forget. Now that this is facing us, I worry about our history. Family trees are typically a trunk and branches when viewed on paper. Our branches have fallen away. We don't know our generational history. I don't want my father's history to be forgotten. That's why I asked him to do this. I will be the caretaker of his videos, documents, recorded audio files and hand them down the family line. I am starting a tradition. Any thoughts?
  20. My Dad passed away just over two weeks ago. I was very close to him and loved him very much, and he was my best friend. I am 18 years old and I feel quite alone because none of my friends have experienced what I am going through. Some of them have not mentioned my Dad's passing and are treating me as if nothing has happened. This makes me feel worse, because I feel as though they don't want to know about how I'm feeling and this makes me feel like I can't grieve and have to act happy in public, when I feel the complete opposite. I just wanted to hear from other people who have lost a parent, either as a teenager or an adult, or have been in a similar situation. Has anyone got any advice of how they coped?
  21. Really the only reason I'm on this site is because I needed to talk to someone who understands how it feels. But I don't understand how this site works??? I guess I just write about the situation to see if anyone went through the same thing and how they dealt with it. My mom is dead and I can't get that thought out of my head. The death was self-imposed but I'm not furious at her for it because I'll never understand the emotions and thoughts racing through her head. I'm stuck as the only girl which I think is making it harder for me to cope with it. I just can't believe this person who I have lived my whole life with is now gone and I wish I could hug her and tell her I love her one last time
  22. I feel like my life is falling apart in front of my eyes and it's tearing me apart with it. My 32-year-old son has had a chronic, terminal illness for 14 years. Most patients don't live that long. He refuses to go to a doctor or have any tests or take any medications. He doesn't trust doctors or the medical profession or pharmaceutical corporations. It's hard for me to know how much longer he has to live. He lives with me and his deterioration is clear. He's an adult so I can't make him do what *I* think is best. I'm a single parent. My ex is a deadbeat loser (a lawyer who could make 10 times what I make, but he prefers to life off women and not work at all) who has not been in contact with his son for years. I am my son's sole support and he treats me like ****. I have to take it because what consequences could I use? I'm not going to kick him out of my home! He needs a warm safe place to sleep and nutritious food. Last May my 89-year-old mother (she was 88 then) got a urinary tract infection that led to hallucinations and sudden onset dementia. She cannot live alone and she has lived with me since then. She has aged a decade in the past year. So have I, it feels like. Early last summer I took all of the hateful things she said to me personally. Now I sort of understand that she doesn't really mean it, but sometimes it still hurts. My 11-year-old dog, who was my constant companion, who went everywhere with me, who slept by my bed every night, got sick at the end of February. I had to make the decision to euthanize her on March 13. I had a vet come to my home so she would be calm and peaceful. She hated the vet's office and it made her extremely anxious. My son (mentioned above) decided that she just had a broken paw and if it was set she would be fine (she was dying and suffering and her paw was fine). He refused to be here and stormed out before the vet came. Four of us were here with her, besides the vet, and we all tried to be strong until it was over. Then we all broke down and bawled like little children. Then it was spring break (I'm a teacher) and I had to go to my mom's house to pack, fix things, and try to get it ready for sale. Hard work for someone with chronic back pain. Now I'm teaching again, every day hoping I won't break down into tears in front of my students. I'm just crying all the time, watching my family die. So many people depend on me and I am stretched too thin. Probably I am just feeling sorry for myself and should just get over it. There wasn't a topic for "pet died, mom and son dying" so I started my own.
  23. Hi everyone. I just found this board tonight, and really needed to post. My Mom just passed shockingly and unexpectedly the other day and I just found out about it yesterday. I'm still stunned----it looks like she'd had a car accident, the airbag deployed, then she apparently went on home, not realizing that she'd been injured. I'm waiting for the report to know exactly what happened, but the man at the funeral home said that the ME thought it looked like the airbag had hurt her ribs or her heart. I just can't believe this has happened. I've lived out of state for a long time but just saw her in June and spoke on the phone w/ her in August. Everything was fine. Now all of a sudden, she's gone, and I feel like someone has yanked out my own heart and stomped on it. God. What makes it even tougher is that my husband and I recently separated, so although I do have family here, he's in another state and he's the one who I really wish I could be with right now. SIGH I don't know what I'm going to do except to cry and share and miss her like crazy. Please pray for her and for me and my family and I promise that when I have it together a little better, I will come back and pray like crazy for you guys too. Thanks so much.Tracy
  24. Hi, My name is Krysti, and I lost my mom and stepbrother when I was twelve years old. They died in a horrific car accident on I-95. I read an article in the newspaper where a witness was quoted as saying there was so much blood that road "looked like a battlefield." Nine years later, I lost my boyfriend in a car accident. I guess you can say, I'm no stranger to the grieving process. One thing I've learned about grief is that it will change you. Whether it changes you for the better or for the worse is up to you. I decided a few years ago that I would use my experiences to help others, and I founded Growth From Grief. Growth From Grief is a nonprofit organization in Orlando, Florida. We're beginning our first program soon, and we need to get the word out! We will be holding grief support groups for children ages 3-18. It's totally cost free for the families. Please help us spread the word!
  25. I lost both brother in 2009 from heart disease, my sister passed away from cancer in 2005 and my mother recently passed away in December 2012 of Heart Disease as well... Pure depression...It's such a struggle...