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Found 18 results

  1. I was only 9 when my Uncle drowned in front of my very eyes. When they pulled him out the water with his tongue hanging out; Lifeless. When I felt numb in shock watching my loved ones run around the harbour screaming and crying. When the pain for the rest of my life would begin to set in, but the death wouldn't stop there. My father soon after committed suicide. Then lost 4 grandparents to death. I'm 18, and still too young to go through that amount of tragedy. I'm haunted, I'm bitterly angry. I hate my deceased father, how could he do this to me? choose to leave his children and kill himself. Its selfish. He's disgusting. I feel so much boiling anger at what happened. I felt extreme sadness, isolation, anger, depression, loss of appetite, anxiety about death. I fear death and the pain so much that I have dreams about my loved ones dying, reoccurring, different everytime. I'm scarred and want answers. I can't cope with the grief even when it was years ago. Heck, I even contemplated suicide and self harm several times, but never would I allow myself to do that, I'm too strong of a person. However, I feel so angry and grieved at what happened. It's a common feeling but when you're in your own shoes the feeling are so much stronger than anyone would ever understand, I would only be the one who would understand just how much it has affected me. I have experienced some tragic things and i'll never forgive my father for what he did, and what he has put me through.
  2. Many say that growing up is never easy. And I know that that statement is true. We all have traumas that trigger our inner angst and we all may believe that these traumas are the end-all of everything - that our traumas are terrible and that no one may understand. I'm no different and I've never talked to anyone about mine - but I think that taking the time and putting it out there could be a step in the right direction for me. And if any of y'all have any advice or pointers, please let me know! It's kinda long, so bear with my whining until I decide to get a therapist. I was the child of two very different parents. My mom was a self-proclaimed "goody two shoes" and a teenmom, daughter to a self-absorbed mother and alcoholic father. My dad was a "freebird," wild child son who was fleeing his dad's death. They met, fell in love, and he took care of her and her son. He doted on them when no one else would. But they started to have problems. My dad became an alcoholic and an abuser. My mom became a narcissist. My brother was always caught in between them. But that's when I came along. I was going to fix their problems by being that bright, sunshiney child of theirs. But I didn't fix anything and my dad kept drinking and getting worse everyday. He lost his job in the economic depression and started his own haphazard business. He threw finances to the wayside. Sometimes, he would be so depressed and beat me blue. My mom was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and started cheating on my dad. She let the family go. Not me though, she threatened me and made me test out her new beau as my dad sometimes. She said she would kill herself if I told my dad she was unfaithful. My brother had long since moved away - saying he'd never come back - and he held to his promise. So most of the time, it was just me and my drunk dad. We'd cook and watch movies together because some days weren't so bad. We'd laugh and he'd love me. But something happened.In the same year, we lost our house and we almost lost my dad. He sustained a cerebral hemorrhage and we lived in the icu for several months, watching him flux. But we made due, and things changed. My mom developed untimely health problems and left her secret beau. My dad underwent massive surgeries and my mom complained about only her ailments and what stress she was under. I ate hot pockets in hospital lobbies until I graduated high school. My brother was still gone. But it got better. My dad got better. My dad lost his short term memory and many motor skills, but he was there and he had changed for the good. He didn't drink and he was dependent on my mom to help him live. She was dependent on his paycheck. She still resented him for being stuck with him though - she told him that, she told me that. They still fought and disagreed, but not so much like before. We lived and I put myself through college and we were kind of a real family - though an angry man and narcissistic mother were still present. I hung out with my dad and we got along better than ever. My mom complained about him, about me, but she tried and accepted her new life. We were kinda happy though, the three of us. Fast forward to ten years later. It was Father's Day and my dad was diagnosed with stage IV cancer. Around that same time, my mom's health took another turn. While my dad was undergoing chemo - my mom was complaining of leg pain and making him give her insulin shots "cause he's the only one that can do it." But she helped him to chemo, I tried to act like it wasn't happening and being the doting daughter, and my brother came back a little more often to help some too. On the day my dad died, I felt it in my soul. I was going to leave work early and take him to chemo. We were going to have a daddy/daughter day and I was going to sneak him some sonic ice cream. I got the call and my boss told me he went into cardiac arrest. But I knew he was gone. I got to the hospital and my mom was already there. On the day my dad died, my mom called every single person she could think of to tell them the news. We didn't talk about my dad, we didn't hug. We were in the same room and I was taking care of her, but we were a million miles away. For hours, she was on the phone to aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends, and coworkers and just crying. I sat on the couch alone next to her. I planned the funeral as my mom took up her spot and accepted everyone's condolences. No one lifted a finger to help but sure opened their mouths to say I wasn't doing something fast enough. My mom told our priest she was doing nothing with the planning and to ask her daughter for anything needed. No one in my family asked how I was handling anything, not even my mother. I cried by myself in my tiny apartment when every time I left my parents' house, which was full of strangers and no father. Now - its been a little over two months since my dad died. I know it's normal for spouses to mourn their loved ones and that it takes eons to recover. She cries all day and everyday. She barely does anything to take care of herself. She only recently started injecting her own insulin. She barely eats like she should and tells me it's because she's devastated. She refuses to take action on moving from the house where he lived and died and suffocates in her own grief. She tells everyone that will listen at the grocery store, her neighbors, friends about her grief everyday. She goes to grieving counseling and spent a week with my brother and his family. I visit quite often and call everyday. But we don't understand and will never understand because she lost her husband. It's more than a dad, more than a friend, more than a son, more than anything to her. I understand that. But. She fights with me when I ask her if she cares for herself or bring up anything at all. I never say "don't cry," but she always acts like I'm saying that when the words are actually "let's go get some Mexican food." She lashes out at me for being at work and not being able to answer my phone since my phone is in my desk. She calls once and voices that she's angry and that she can't tell me why she's crying right away. She says she wants to die. I love her but I need her and I need some help being a caregiver, because I feel like I suck. She's narcissistic, sure, but she has to be missing him greatly and they were together for forever. But I feel alone and against the world like many people do going through this and I just don't like it - especially with absent mother, absent family, absent friends and lover, and gone-forever father. I really miss my dad so much and I already don't know how to cope with his loss. But dealing with all of this seems so impossible - especially on top of dealing with a mother who wants to stay in her head and be unloving. Sometimes I feel like we'll be stuck like this. But I don't know what to do. But what do you do?
  3. New tonthe Forum

    Hello Everyone, I’m new to the forum. I lost both of my parents a day apart 2 weeks ago. It was Monday September 18. My son was eating breakfast and I was getting ready for work. My phone rang and I looked to see who it was. It was my aunt (my father’s older sister). I felt my stomach drop because it was unlike her to call so early unless something was urgent. I answered the phone and heard the fragility in her voice. My father had died earlier that morning. My world as I knew it had been shattered. We talked every singles day several times a day. That was my best friend. I’ll never forget the feeling I felt. That night I received a phone call thst my mother was actively dying in the nursing home she’d been living in for the past 5 days (in Utah)I called into the wee hours of the night to find out her status. In the morning I called to check on her again and was told she had the “death rattle.” I knew it wouldn’t be long until she passed. I asked the nurse to put the phone to her ear so i could speak woth her one final time. As we made our way to TN (where my father resided) later thst morning, the nursing home called to tell me my mother had died. Words can’t really give justice to my emotions. My mother was a drug addict and she died as a result of the disease. I don’t she ever realized how wonderful she was and that she deserved better. I know there is someone out there that can relate/understand what it’s like. If you’re out there, please talk to me. Today has been a rought day on this journey and i could use a companion. If you got this far in the post, thank you for reading. I pray we are all able to move forward.
  4. I never imagined to be typing words on a grieving support group site today... July 27, 2017, A day I will never forget. The day I lost my mother to death. You know what pains me the most? The fact that she died alone in our room. I am an only child, 27 years of age and my father passed away on October 20, 1989. I was born on October 15, 1989, therefore I was only a mere 5 day old infant when I lost him to death. Basically, my whole life is just my Mama and I. She took care of me, educated me, fed me, gave me EVERYTHING, did EVERYTHING. She sacrificed 27 years of her life for me. I saw the moments of hardships, pains, and disappointments she endured just to give me a life that is comfortable. We would always go to bed at night and watch music videos of my favorite artists, or watch her favorite movies. We would laugh and cry together while watching, haha. Days before she died, she told me she was not feeling well. We were eating then and after she finished her meal, she suddenly felt not too good. She lied down on the bed and rested. For the first time, we didn't watch any videos because she rested instead. I was worried, but not too much as I thought it was a simple flu. I gave her meds when she woke up, even talked to her. She said she is going to be fine anyway so no need to get so worked up. Next day, I went to work. I couldn't leave her because it felt like my feet were too heavy. She said she was fine and just needed a cold glass of water, which I gave her. She told me "Go, or you'll be late", and I did go. That was the biggest regret of my life. If onlys and what ifs filled my existence now. If only i didn't leave, If only I had taken the initiative to call a doctor, if only I called an ambulance, If only I was by her side before she took her last breath. I was worried the whole day at work. It's like something is bothering me for some odd reason. I decided to take an early out at work. I needed to go home that's what I thought. I passed by a vendor who sells banana cue (it's a popular snack in the Philippines, it's basically sweetened bananas on a stick), it was her favorite snack and figured she will be happy if I buy three sticks of it for her. I went home and it's like time suddenly became so slow. I unlocked the door and I saw what will be the biggest nightmare in my life. I...saw my mother, leaning on the side of the bed, frozen and not breathing. I literally just looked at her. I did not know what to do. After a minute or two, panic sets in and I saw my hands shaking while dialing the numbers on my mobile phone. My phone even froze on me and I screamed the biggest curse I have ever said in my entire life. Minutes after, Medics came in, saying no heartbeat and no pulse. Nothing. She might have died at around 9AM. I saw her at 4:24 PM. Upon hearing what the medics said, I shook her, I poured water on her face, I slap her, I beat her chest, EVERYTHING out of desperation. I then broke down and cried. The reality slowly creeping on me that YES, she is gone, Christine. Our lives together suddenly flashed in front of me. I couldn't even grieve properly because I have to process her death certificate and cremation permit file the next day. Who would have thought I would process that damn death certificate?! I was angry and bitter. It felt unfair. She, at the age of 54, died of a heart attack. That's what the coroner said. Up until this day, my head is still swimming around that day when I found her body. I still work, eat, take a bath, doing what Humans normally do but it all felt pointless now. Waking up everyday is a pain. The only motivation I have is that I know my mother wouldn't want me to waste my life away. She suffered 27 years and for me to just throw that all away is like being an ungrateful child. The least I can do to her is show her that her sacrifices didn't end up to nothing. I guess this void in my heart will always be in here now no matter what. I'd be happy one minute, but sad the next. I know time will heal me, but I also know it wouldn't heal me completely.
  5. I lost my dad on May 3rd of this year (2017) from prostate cancer. I am angry at God for all the pain my dad went thru and he slowly took his body and soul. I am upset at myself for allowing hospice to care for him (was medicated for 7 days with no food and etc to reduce his pain). I blame myself for not understanding the consequences. I wish I could turn back time. I am sorry dad. Please forgive me. Please!
  6. I'm Emily, a 17 year old girl that had lost her dad at the age of 7. I remember all his love, all the good memories or fishing, of holidays, of my parents. When he died I was only 7 and my little brother 4, he doesn't remember our dad, but I do vividly. My dad died of a heart attack and had suffered brain damage. I said my good byes but never had closer, he didn't remember us, he didn't remember his own daughter. Since the age of 7 I've been bullied, in and out of therapy and suffer from depression, anxiety, trust issues and abandonment issues. I can't seem to cope with my dads death, I've never been able to get out of the mind set that I want to die, that I hate myself and I hate the world. Good took my dad from me, I understood that he must have his reasons, but my life, my mentality is going down the drain and I don't know how much longer I can hold on for. So I'm reaching out to maybe make sense of how I'm feeling before it's to late.
  7. Hey guys. I really don't know what to say. I lost my best friend four months ago. TESSA 1999-2016. She was 17 a border collie and always been there since I can remember. We had to send her to heaven due to lumps and general old age really. She had such a happy life and I know her age was amazing. But I still cry at least twice a day. I just can't seem to move forward. I just keep crying to my dh saying I'd do anything for one more moment with her. When will it get easier? I really can't cope. I don't know what I'm asking or saying but just need to vent I guess thanks for reading xxxx
  8. Hello everyone, First I would like to say that I am sorry for your loss. This goes for everyone. This is my first loss. I do not actually know how to do this so I am winging it a bit. But I have a question that may sounds stupid, I really don't know. It's been 82 days since my wife took her life. You hear all the time about someone being with the "love of their life", but in my 30-40 years I had never experienced something like that, until I met my late wife. She was the most incredible human being, fascinating.. You don't want to hear this. My question is one of a moral nature, I think. I lost all perspective when I lost her. I can't tell what is right or wrong. I am wondering, since I don't seem to be making progress? If I should just take up one of these offers of sleeping with someone else. No strings. Just getting it over with. Part of me is screaming because that's so terrible. The other part, no doubt my 15 year old self, is screaming to go get laid. As wonderful as my wife was, she was extremely jealous and I had to take care in how I did everything to make sure she didn't think I was up to something I wasn't. I have never cheated in my LIFE and I never will. Hell, my wife even cheated on me early on. That doesn't give you free license to do the same. I had never been able to forgive anyone for such a thing before.. With my wife, after a talk, it was so easy.. And I know she never did again. Anyway.. I don't necessarily need to be hammered here, telling me how terrible I am for thinking this. But I do need the truth in some fashion. Should I avoid this? Is there actually a "legal" time frame where it *would* be considered cheating still? Is this all up to me and what I think I'm ready for? Am i very stupid for thinking about this so soon? Just let me have it.. But please be somewhat kind in doing so. Thank you for any and all opinions, advice or facts on this.
  9. new to this

    It was his funeral yesterday - so that means it must be true, its not a prank, or a cruel hoax, or a mistake. My son is dead and that's the truth
  10. It's been just over two years now since my dad passed away and it hurts the same everyday that goes by, the pain doesn't get any easier and little things I see related to him just remind me of him so much and absolutely kills me inside. The biggest regret I have which burns me inside was that the last night before he passed away he waited up for me till 4am but I didn't come home till 6am because I had a stupid argument with my friend and after coming home I didn't kiss him good night as I used to then at 8am all I heard was my sister screaming that he wouldn't wake up and when I ran downstairs there he was asleep straight up on the sofa. He passed away a week and a half after my 20th birthday and I find it so hard to move on, I still get flashbacks of doing chest compressions on him, the ambulance responder using the electric machine which made my dad's body jump in the air, it all still haunts me and when I sit in that room I can picture my dad infront of me. The bubbly, happy man who always made me happy and never said no to me is no longer here and I always feel like it'd my fault for not being a better son and providing him with the pride he deserveed such as me getting my first job, passing my driving. I did all this after he passed away and it eats at me that he raised me for 20 years and just as I was getting to the point of being able to show him his hard work wasn't in vein and now he left me. Life doesn't feel the same anymore but I try my best to be there for my mum and younger sister. :’(
  11. My mother is the strongest, most funniest, most craziest person I know. At one point she stood 230 pounds and didn't mess around. You see my mother is from Jamaica and you can see and hear her coming. Today my mother shrunk down to a whopping 150 pounds if that. She is so quiet and medicated and it is so sad. Now when I see her she is the total opposite of what I remembered. You see my mother is dying of bladder cancer, the doctors gave her 6 months if that. I am pissed off, angry, upset and teary eyed. This past weekend, I had to make the decision to put my mother in hospice care. I don't think I will ever get over the guilt, sadness and pain of making such a decision. Many years ago my mother battled leukemia and won, today not so much. I believe for awhile I've been in denial but today not so much. In the past few days I have lashed out on everyone including my sister, I have told her I will disown her after my mother passes. I am angry. I know that I will lose my lover, my friends and some business due to this process. I am not doing well. I am crying so much, not eating and not sleeping, sometimes I cannot even breathe. Basically right now I hate everything and everyone. I know that I will never be the same, I am sick of people telling me "Be Strong" I can't. I really can't and I want to. Currently I know if I don't get some control I could possibly have a heart-attack that's how much pain I am in. I don't know what to do. I just don't.
  12. I am doing research that relates to how others feel about there greatest loss.Additionally, I am interested in comparing how others react differently to death. So if anyone could answer these five questions i would really appreciate it. What was your greatest loss so far in your life? What exactly happened? Were there any unusual thoughts or feeling you had as a result from this loss? How were your sleep patterns affected by this loss? What words best describe exactly what you lost from your life?
  13. Loss Of My Big Brother

    I lost my 24 yr old Brother on 2-23-14 to suicide and I am having the hardest time accepting this I can barely function the pain is almost unbearable! I have so many questions that can never be answered. I can't sleep I have been told that every night I cry and scream for him but in the morning I don't remember...I really need help and advice please??
  14. My mom was diagnosed with aggressive endometrial cancer in Oct 2012. In May 2013 it spread to her brain. She passed away July 2013, 9 months later. From the minute I found out until the minute she passed I took care of her. Treatment wasn't easy on her and I almost lost her twice due to complications from chemotherapy. I am an only child and all i had was my mom. My dad and i werent close but he was there for her until the end. he and i got to make amends on our differences and planned on fixing our relationship as it was just going to be e and him once my mom passed. I hoped we would get closer and mend our relationship while helping eachother grieve. 3 weeks after my mom died, my dad had a heart attack and passed away. the NYPD wouldn't break the door down when i was getting concerned he didnt answer the phone... I had to find my mom's key to his house and found him laying on the bathroom floor decomposing. I put on a good front in public but sometime the feelings of missing them is overwhelmimg and i start to cry. I feel this huge void inside like im lost. I have cousins, an uncle and grandmother (mom's mom) and friends but noone can replace her, o one compares to her, i want my mom back! I knew she was going to pass and can remember sitting in the hospital praying for her to pass in peace as i couldn;t see her in such pain any longer... it hurts so much more cause she was just such a great person!
  15. Am I terrible?

    My brother was 22 years and 23 days old when he shot himself in his bedroom in my parents home. It is all terrible and horrible and I don't know how to deal with any of it. But one of the thoughts that keeps passing my mind is: am I a terrible person for not wanting to see his body? I was asked before he was cremated if I wanted to see him one last time, they said he didn't look like himself and to prepare, and I said no. I said a million times no. I never want to see that image, my brother with a bullet hole through his forehead, skin sunken and pale. Not my brother, he was alive and in my mind he is alive and I didn't want that last picture to ever pop up outside of my imagination. I didn't want that image to ever be real. But I feel like I let him down, like I should have gone and seen him that last time, told him it was all okay now and that I was here. I know that it is stupid, he was gone. I just don't think I'll ever get that thought out of my head. The last time I saw him he was smiling and laughing and playing with one of the cats on the living room floor, and he smiled when I said I was heading home and he said "Okay see yeah, Kate." I wanted that to be my last memory. Am I terrible for it?
  16. I'm a 25 yr old male, I just lost both my parents in an accident. I've been secretly struggling with my sexuality for a long time. A day before the accident, I'd arranged for sex with another male. I got the news of the accident before we were going to sleep together. This seemed too peculiar to be just a co-incidence, and I feel a deep sense of guilt because it seems to me that this happened so that I could be punished for my deed. I've a sister, but I'm not close with her. I feel totally alone and lost, and am on the verge of harming myself. The worst part is, I can't even share these feelings with anyone. I'd be very glad, if someone here could advise me.
  17. The lunacy

    So here it comes another anniversary. I prep for things like a prize fight. Gotta get my head in the game. Notify friends get support and prep for a day fighting the champ. My nose will be broken and my body bruised in the end. Allot like the movies of images that flash by of your apponent and the beatings you recieved before but this time your ready...right? You got everything in place. Friends on the way, meal planned out, and I have my hands taped. Beating up the bag that is my soul hoping I can strengthen myself. Bright lights the bell is going to ring and then I will open the door to my first guests that day. I move to the left avoiding jab after jab as I go from friend to frined who is trying to console me. Them not realizing that all the punches I am revieving is coming from thier memories of my son. Suddenly a right hook comes in the form of a flashback. I am winded and knocked down the countiung begins1....2.....3....4....5...... I stagger up. My frineds hold my hand as I begin to cry and scream at the horror........ Will I make it to round 2? That was last year..........Nov. 19th comes soon....am I ready?
  18. recieved Matthew's urn yesterday:

    finally recieved matthew's urn yesterday...i think things are truly starting to set in, and i feel really devastated that someone i've loved and spent 6 years of my life with will be in this urn...it's sickening and i hate that...a human body, someone you love, cuddle with touch and everything is just in ashes, and that's all that im left with.