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I have written a post here about a month and half ago, explaining my situation and how I feel about losing my mother. http://forums.grieving.com/index.php?/topic/11256-how-can-i-live-with-myself/ Now, I don't know what I feel and it scares me. I started living my life like before, even though nothing is like before, there's this sadness that hoovers over everything I do. I have moments when I cry, but they are lesser and moments when I laugh and maybe forget about it for a while. But it just doesn't seem right. Even though I express myself and let things out when they come, I fear that I'm moving on too fast and that I'm not healing. Sometimes I feel guilt because I laugh and forget, sometimes I know it's what mom would have wanted, sometimes it's really really hard and I feel it's getting harder. It's the first time in my life when I really don't know how I feel and what is happening. And I think that this is happening mainly because I don't really feel that she's gone, that she has left me. I know it's normal to feel lost, but it's not that. I feel like I'm moving on too easily and I don't know if that's the road I should be on. Has any of you experienced this? Thank you all of reading!
My husband died a year ago. I miss him, but realize the past is the past. I don't want to take off my wedding rings, so I've been wearing them on my right hand for 6 months or so. I was a caregiver for him for 4 years. Currently, I am keeping a long distance eye on my elderly mom, having made five 600 mile round trips in the past 2 months. She can be on her own, except she gets anxiety bouts since getting out of a nursing home physical therapy rehab. (Her doc finally put her on Lexapro, so I hope it helps!) I find myself getting worn out emotionally as I did with my husband. I miss being at my own home. I've only spent 2 weeks at my own house in the last 2 months. My siblings, for unknown reasons, can't or won't deal with Mom's issues. I'm retired and widowed, so they think it's up to me. I don't mind spending time with mom, but I need home time, too. I also want to date. Seriously need male companionship. An adult male stepson lives with me and we are great roommates and have fun, but I also need to find a love interest. However, due to finances, I shall never remarry. I have lots of years ahead of me, and don't want to waste any of them through perpetual grief. Some folks think I'm not appropriately grieving, but I loved my husband. It's just that I have never felt the need to stop living and enjoying life. This month, I am re painting our/my bedroom, getting a new smaller bed, pitching a few dressers and making our/my room work for me. My friends are horrified. Why? I've always hated the color my hubby picked out for our room. I'm moving on... Am I the only one? Why do people try to make me feel guilty for wanting to live and enjoy life?