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  1. It's been 6 days since my Mom died. The pain is too much to bear. It makes it even worse because I was living with her for 13 years. When I woke up. I walked into her room and saw her laying on the floor in her room. I thought she was in a deep sleep. Then I realized she was limp and cold. Then I panicked. I scrambled for help and the EMT immediately came to her room. They did everything they could. It was too late. She was dead for hours. My youngest sister took it the hardest. We are still crushed by the painful sorrow of her passing. At the same time. I'm mentally scarred for witnessing the first dead body I have encountered. Which was also my Mom. I can't grasp to the fabric of reality. She's gone forever and now I'm all alone. She was the only person that made my life meaningful and happy. Now that she's gone. I don't look forward into going in that empty apartment that we used to be in together. She died at the age of 55. My mom had no health problems after the cancer was removed from her from 2002 until recently. She was perfectly fine the day before her death. Now everytime I watch TV or listen to music. I end up having a gut wrenching sadness and empty void in my soul. What should I do?
  2. my mother died last week at the age of 44 she wasnt sick or anything it was so sudden im still in shock i miss her so much and i dont know what to do i dont think i can live with this pain i cant eat or drink anything i just miss her so much everything reminds me of her i feel so depressed what should i do i need some help please
  3. I've had this friend who has been messaging me since she got back from overseas but I just can't bring myself to reply because either I respond to her as though everything is fine, or I say to her 'hey! my mum passed away three weeks ago! life is utter ****!', and so it's just easier to ignore her and say nothing. She messaged me again today and apologised for if she had done anything wrong. Maybe I'm just bitter, but why do people always think it is about them? Could she not have thought to herself like, hey, I hope jess is okay..? I don't know. She probably thinks I'm ignoring her and giving her the cold shoulder but I just don't know what to say. I feel like there should be some sign above my head telling the world I am motherless, because how can such a tragedy in my life not turn the rest of the world upside down too? If anyone can give me some advice that would be appreciated.
  4. I've had this friend who has been messaging me since she got back from overseas but I just can't bring myself to reply because either I respond to her as though everything is fine, or I say to her 'hey! my mum passed away three weeks ago! life is utter ****!', and so it's just easier to ignore her and say nothing. She messaged me again today and apologised for if she had done anything wrong. Maybe I'm just bitter, but why do people always think it is about them? Could she not have thought to herself like, hey, I hope jess is okay..? I don't know. She probably thinks I'm ignoring her and giving her the cold shoulder but I just don't know what to say. I feel like there should be some sign above my head telling the world I am motherless, because how can such a tragedy in my life not turn the rest of the world upside down too? If anyone can give me some advice that would be appreciated.
  5. My mom has recently passed away. I may be able to say it or write it but I still can’t quite understand what this really means. I still expect to see her again sometime soon or when the phone rings sometimes I catch myself thinking it might be her calling before I realize that that is not going to happen again. She was diagnosed with cancer in 2010 making 2017 the 7th year she was fighting this illness. I’m not gonna lie this wasn’t easy for me, seeing my mom like that or thinking every day that it might be the last day I am seeing her (I was 9 years old in 2010) but I was always greatfull for having her and I never stopped hoping that one day she might actually beat this thing and be healthy again. And then one day she woke up and she could not communicate with anyone very well and for a week she got worse and worse until she died on the 20th of December. Every single day since then feels grey. I feel like I’m never going to be fully happy again. I’ve never cried so much in my life. I try to do things so that I don’t think about her all the time but usually it doesn’t work. I want more years with her, it wasn’t enough. Other people have their mother for 50 or 60 years, why should I have mine only for 16 that’s not fair. I don’t understand how the world works. I miss her so much.
  6. I lost my mam one week after my 21st birthday. I was heartbroken we were so close and I'm the youngest of 6 siblings. she died very suddenly and I was with her when she died. ive never seen anyone die before that. i still had my dad who was just as lost a me. 7 years went by and although we were sad we manage to move on together. my older brother died suddenly on 5th Jan '17. I was shocked and very emotional. my dad was heartbroken again. this year has been hard but I thought times would get better. but on 16th Dec my dad took an overdose and after 2 days on life support his heart gave out. he died on 18th. I whole world has fallen apart. I'm only 29. I'm parentless. my whole life I had my parents to rely on and now I'm all alone. my other siblings live all over and I don't see them often. I feel so lost and don't know how to cope. I know once his funeral has past my life will be a lonely one. I have suffered depression before and I don't want to sink down that dark hole again :-(
  7. Just found out

    I posted in the upcoming loss page but I guess that doesn't get much traffic, so I am reposting here. Just copy and pasting so the other post can be ignored. Thanks. Just got home from visiting my mom. She had a tumor in her brain that was just discovered last week and operated on this week. It is glioblastoma, the most aggressive type of brain cancer. With treatment she has one to two years. Without treatment she has 4-6 months. She is not sure she wants treatment. She doesn't want more time if most of it is spent in treatment. I understand this intellectually but not emotionally. I want my mommy. I want her to fight to the last minute. I want to know we did all we could to make her life as long as possible. But it's not my decision. My parents have made that clear. I respect that but it doesn't stop me from feeling this way.
  8. Just got home from visiting my mom. She had a tumor in her brain that was just discovered last week and operated on this week. It is glioblastoma, the most aggressive type of brain cancer. With treatment she has one to two years. Without treatment she has 4-6 months. She is not sure she wants treatment. She doesn't want more time if most of it is spent in treatment. I understand this intellectually but not emotionally. I want my mommy. I want her to fight to the last minute. I want to know we did all we could to make her life as long as possible. But its not my decision. My parents have made that clear. I respect that but it doesn't stop me from feeling this way.
  9. Hi everyone, I'm posting this from Sweden so please excuse my sometimes broken English.. Here's my story..in 2013 my beloved Mother passed away suffering from pneumonia. She lived in a nursing home since a second stroke paralized her in 1998. The last night I was sitting by her bedside for some hours watching her breathe very hard and fast, no pauses. She was totally awake and alerte and the breathing had been going on for about 5 hours. Finally I rang the nurse and she came and gave my Mom 7.5 mg of Morphine and 5 mg of Stesolide( I don't know the word for this relaxing meds in English). After about 30 minutes I rang again in some kind of panic because I didn't think it eased the breathing that much. I was a fool thinking the meds would change my Mom's breathing... The nurse came again and I asked if she could have some more.. How I hate myself for this!!! The nurse said yes and gave her another injection and despite of what I thought and hoped for this seem to make her breathing more labored. I was in such denial, my brother and I had spoken to the doctor and the chief nurse earlier that day and asked them to try and save her, and we got some hope up, maybe there was a little chance she might live through this! Having had a sick Mother for 25 years, it was almost impossible to understand that this was it-she was going to die. Anyway, being in such a state of denial I went to bed thinking tomorrow was another day and we would try and save her. She died an hour after I went to bed and left her with a girl who worked there.. I torture myself every day for asking the nurse for more and then going to bed. I would have done everything to make this undone:( I feel totally devastated.
  10. Hi everyone, I'm posting this from Sweden so please excuse my sometimes broken English.. Here's my story..in 2013 my beloved Mother passed away suffering from pneumonia. She lived in a nursing home since a second stroke paralized her in 1998. The last night I was sitting by her bedside for some hours watching her breathe very hard and fast, no pauses. She was totally awake and alerte and the breathing had been going on for about 5 hours. Finally I rang the nurse and she came and gave my Mom 7.5 mg of Morphine and 5 mg of Stesolide( I don't know the word for this relaxing meds in English). After about 30 minutes I rang again in some kind of panic because I didn't think it eased the breathing that much. I was a fool thinking the meds would change my Mom's breathing, but I did hope it would... The nurse came again and I asked if she could have some more.. How I hate myself for this!!! The nurse said yes and gave her another injection and despite of what I thought and hoped for this seem to make her breathing more labored. I was in such denial, my brother and I had spoken to the doctor and the chief nurse earlier that day and asked them to try and save her, and we got some hope up, maybe there was a little chance she might live through this! Having had a sick Mother for 25 years, it was almost impossible to understand that this was it-she was going to die. Anyway, being in such a state of denial I went to bed thinking tomorrow was another day and we would try and save her. She died an hour after I went to bed and left her with a girl who worked there.. I torture myself every day for asking the nurse for more and then going to bed. I would have done everything to make this undone:( I feel totally devastated.
  11. So my parents had always had a rocky marriage. I spent the large part of my childhood years keeping secrets for my mother who would spend time with various different men but it wasn’t until a year ago that I discovered that my mum had started seeing someone new - her co worker. After meeting this gentleman I realised quite early on that this wasn’t like the other relationships. She was being way more obvious with her affections towards him. Knowing my Dad (who was hopelessly in love with my mum but also terribly controlling towards her) I begged her to split with my Dad if she wanted to take this new relationship seriously. I was of course - ignored. Until one day I got a call from her new partner. He was at the hospital with my mum and younger sibling - my dad had hung himself. After three days in intensive care we turned off the life support and found a suicide note saying that my dad hoped me and my younger sister would be “happy with our new dad”. After 8 months of resentment towards this vile person who essentially killed my father I learnt today that he proposed to my mum. I’ve pretty much kept it together up until this point for my sister and tried my best to keep sane during this time but now I’m at breaking point. I can’t believe how two people can have absolutely no regard for anyone but themselves. My mum expects me to just accept this person as a member of the family despite what he’s done and that infuriates me to no end. I’m also pregnant and talks of how excited my babies new “grandfather” is has started. I’m seconds away from just cutting everybody off and moving away.
  12. On February 13, at 11:30 at night, I heard my husband kick back in his recliner. I headed for bed. I got up at 3, to make his breakfast and make sure he got off to work on time. He was still sleeping, which was unusual, but I went ahead and made his breakfast and when I carried it into the living room, he was still sleeping. I set his breakfast on the TV tray and reached for his foot to wake him. Everytime I think about that morning, I think to myself, Do Not Touch His Foot. Because everything in my life was good up to that point, my world still existed. But when I touched his foot, his oh so very very very cold foot, my entire world just stopped, totally. Part of me knew, and part of my was whimpering, and part of me was screaming and part of me was grabbing the phone and dialing 911 and I was yelling at him to wake up, WAKE UP. He didn't. My husband of 42 years had left me. No warning, no illness, no heart issues up to this point. He simply left. The coroner said massive heart attack, he never woke up, he didn't feel a thing, all the things that should make me feel better, but they don't, because not a damn one of them brings him back. How can I keep going without him? He died on the 14th. On the 15th, my brother called to tell me my mom had passed early that morning. I pretty much lost the rest of the week. I now write a blog, which is helping, but I have questions about my own sanity. Is it normal for me to suddenly break down, sobbing, for what seems no reason? Is it normal to go through the day, seeming okay, and then without warning have a meltdown? I wear his coat everywhere, I don't care what it looks like, it smells like him. I sleep with his T shirt. Am I going crazy? Why can't I stop crying???
  13. My name's Sara I'm from Oregon, I am 30 and married I recently lost my mother very suddenly on November 7th 2017. It was very hard for me and my family to watch her in the ICU and in the end take her last breaths. Honestly it's been really really hard for me since I've been taking care of her since I was 18, my life was my mom my mom was my best friend and my life. My siblings are handling it fairly well but for me it's different in the way that I spent more time with her and took care of her we were very close. She passed away from small cell carcinoma Lung Cancer that we were oblivious to since she never wanted to take a chest xray when the doctor asked. sometimes I wish I would have made her we could have caught it sooner, she was sick with pneumonia since last month and no matter what steroids or antibiotics her primary doctor gave her she didn't get well, on top of that she was taking blood thinners which I think didn't help the issue it made it to where her platelets were non existent her blood was not clotting like it should and after being sick with pneumonia the doctor was concerned of any little cut could make her bleed out she was told to go to the hospital and be admitted, tha ts when they took the xray and ct scan and found the masses and the reason why she wasn't kicking the pneumonia when she was admitted they ran tests Her pneumonia turned into septic shock and she was put on a ventilator the next morning because her oxygen kept going down to The point where she couldn't breathe on her own. In a span of five days things happened so suddenly she passed away after we decided as a family to put her on comfort care and remove the ventilator after the doctors tried everything to fix the scepsis so that she could fight the cancer but the cancer fought back with anything they tried. It's honestly feel so lost now I just honestly it's been really hard. I dont know if ill really ever get over her being gone I know she would want me to be happy and move on but right now I don't see it. And with the holidays coming up it's really hard for me to even think about really celebrating Thanksgiving was her holiday.
  14. Hi guys, I'm not sure how active this forum is, but I've been having a very difficult night, and thought I would find some relief in expressing it. I would also love to know if anyone has been put in a situation similar to mine. I lost both my mother and my sister when I was 7 years old. My mother suffered from a brain tumour, and my sister struggled with disabilities (mute, blind and couldn't walk) though I'm not sure what caused her death. I was too young at the time to understand and I'm not sure anyone around me was comfortable with explaining it. She was two years older than me and I've been finding it difficult to cope with wondering what she would've been like, what advice she would've given me had she been healthy, as an older sister. Whether she would look similar to me. My mother was incredibly supportive of me and losing her without her being able to guide me through the rest of my childhood was awful. Following these losses, I had no other option but to move in with my maternal grandmother, as my mother didn't want my father to take on the responsibility of looking after me. My father lived with his parents at this time, my paternal grandparents, whose house was about a 5 minute walk from me so I could visit often. Though my relationship with my dad was always distant and insufficient, my paternal grandmother was quite possibly the kindest and most caring person I had ever met, and treated me as if I was her daughter. She acted as my 'substitute mother', a role that my maternal grandmother hadn't ever been able to fulfil in the slightest. Unfortunately, she died after suffering from cancer when I was 12. This was excruciatingly painful, and I was in crucial need of comfort and support, though my maternal grandmother rejected my attempts at seeking this from her. My dad moved out shortly afterwards, and I visited my granddad as often as possible. He had Parkinson's disease and died a year later. The house was sold, I then had less opportunity to see my dad, and to this day, feel as though I have no one looking out for me. The fact that my grandmother has not given me the emotional support that I need so badly leaves me with a lot of resentment and bitterness, which then quickly turns to guilt because I'm aware she will die at some point in my life, whether that is soon or further in the future - unpredictability that is also difficult to deal with - and I will hate myself for not appreciating that she is still here regardless. She is here for me simply because she feels she owes it to my mother, but not to me. Still living here is becoming increasingly more painful as a result. My 18th birthday is at the end of this month, which means I will be able to hopefully put my childhood behind me and begin a new life for myself, the issue is that mental illness (partly caused by these experiences, partly due to bad luck) is interfering with my grades which could potentially prevent me from attending university and moving out will be delayed. I don't know how to move on alone, how to accept that this has all happened, how to want to get better mentally, how to get through Christmas, and focus on my studies. I don't think I will ever shake this feeling of loneliness since what I've lost cannot be replaced. I try my best to swallow this all and power through, but on days like this, it piles up. Thank you for reading, I welcome anyone to share similar experiences and let me know how you have dealt with them.
  15. My mother Melinda passed away July 18, 2007. I was 15. At the time I was living with her, my stepdad and my two step brothers (they were 7 & 6). She was diagnosed 2000 with stage 4 breast cancer, and was only given a year to live. I was only 8 when she was diagnosed so I don't think at the time I fully understood. My mom was just sick, and like every other time anyone I knew got sick, she was going to get better,...right? I never would have guessed that I would spend the summer before high school saying goodbye to my mom. Just before my "real" life started I had the most important person in my life taken from me. I always felt like something was missing after that. Seeing all my friend going back to school shopping with their moms or their mom cheering them on from the bleachers at our basketball games. It just wasn't fair. What had I done to deserve this. I didn't get to go prom dressing shopping with her or talk to her about the first boy I ever truly loved. She wasn't there to take me prom dress shopping or even teach me how to be a woman. I don't know maybe because this was the 10th anniversary of her death or something but I have just missed her incredibly lately. I just feel alone.
  16. Many say that growing up is never easy. And I know that that statement is true. We all have traumas that trigger our inner angst and we all may believe that these traumas are the end-all of everything - that our traumas are terrible and that no one may understand. I'm no different and I've never talked to anyone about mine - but I think that taking the time and putting it out there could be a step in the right direction for me. And if any of y'all have any advice or pointers, please let me know! It's kinda long, so bear with my whining until I decide to get a therapist. I was the child of two very different parents. My mom was a self-proclaimed "goody two shoes" and a teenmom, daughter to a self-absorbed mother and alcoholic father. My dad was a "freebird," wild child son who was fleeing his dad's death. They met, fell in love, and he took care of her and her son. He doted on them when no one else would. But they started to have problems. My dad became an alcoholic and an abuser. My mom became a narcissist. My brother was always caught in between them. But that's when I came along. I was going to fix their problems by being that bright, sunshiney child of theirs. But I didn't fix anything and my dad kept drinking and getting worse everyday. He lost his job in the economic depression and started his own haphazard business. He threw finances to the wayside. Sometimes, he would be so depressed and beat me blue. My mom was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and started cheating on my dad. She let the family go. Not me though, she threatened me and made me test out her new beau as my dad sometimes. She said she would kill herself if I told my dad she was unfaithful. My brother had long since moved away - saying he'd never come back - and he held to his promise. So most of the time, it was just me and my drunk dad. We'd cook and watch movies together because some days weren't so bad. We'd laugh and he'd love me. But something happened.In the same year, we lost our house and we almost lost my dad. He sustained a cerebral hemorrhage and we lived in the icu for several months, watching him flux. But we made due, and things changed. My mom developed untimely health problems and left her secret beau. My dad underwent massive surgeries and my mom complained about only her ailments and what stress she was under. I ate hot pockets in hospital lobbies until I graduated high school. My brother was still gone. But it got better. My dad got better. My dad lost his short term memory and many motor skills, but he was there and he had changed for the good. He didn't drink and he was dependent on my mom to help him live. She was dependent on his paycheck. She still resented him for being stuck with him though - she told him that, she told me that. They still fought and disagreed, but not so much like before. We lived and I put myself through college and we were kind of a real family - though an angry man and narcissistic mother were still present. I hung out with my dad and we got along better than ever. My mom complained about him, about me, but she tried and accepted her new life. We were kinda happy though, the three of us. Fast forward to ten years later. It was Father's Day and my dad was diagnosed with stage IV cancer. Around that same time, my mom's health took another turn. While my dad was undergoing chemo - my mom was complaining of leg pain and making him give her insulin shots "cause he's the only one that can do it." But she helped him to chemo, I tried to act like it wasn't happening and being the doting daughter, and my brother came back a little more often to help some too. On the day my dad died, I felt it in my soul. I was going to leave work early and take him to chemo. We were going to have a daddy/daughter day and I was going to sneak him some sonic ice cream. I got the call and my boss told me he went into cardiac arrest. But I knew he was gone. I got to the hospital and my mom was already there. On the day my dad died, my mom called every single person she could think of to tell them the news. We didn't talk about my dad, we didn't hug. We were in the same room and I was taking care of her, but we were a million miles away. For hours, she was on the phone to aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends, and coworkers and just crying. I sat on the couch alone next to her. I planned the funeral as my mom took up her spot and accepted everyone's condolences. No one lifted a finger to help but sure opened their mouths to say I wasn't doing something fast enough. My mom told our priest she was doing nothing with the planning and to ask her daughter for anything needed. No one in my family asked how I was handling anything, not even my mother. I cried by myself in my tiny apartment when every time I left my parents' house, which was full of strangers and no father. Now - its been a little over two months since my dad died. I know it's normal for spouses to mourn their loved ones and that it takes eons to recover. She cries all day and everyday. She barely does anything to take care of herself. She only recently started injecting her own insulin. She barely eats like she should and tells me it's because she's devastated. She refuses to take action on moving from the house where he lived and died and suffocates in her own grief. She tells everyone that will listen at the grocery store, her neighbors, friends about her grief everyday. She goes to grieving counseling and spent a week with my brother and his family. I visit quite often and call everyday. But we don't understand and will never understand because she lost her husband. It's more than a dad, more than a friend, more than a son, more than anything to her. I understand that. But. She fights with me when I ask her if she cares for herself or bring up anything at all. I never say "don't cry," but she always acts like I'm saying that when the words are actually "let's go get some Mexican food." She lashes out at me for being at work and not being able to answer my phone since my phone is in my desk. She calls once and voices that she's angry and that she can't tell me why she's crying right away. She says she wants to die. I love her but I need her and I need some help being a caregiver, because I feel like I suck. She's narcissistic, sure, but she has to be missing him greatly and they were together for forever. But I feel alone and against the world like many people do going through this and I just don't like it - especially with absent mother, absent family, absent friends and lover, and gone-forever father. I really miss my dad so much and I already don't know how to cope with his loss. But dealing with all of this seems so impossible - especially on top of dealing with a mother who wants to stay in her head and be unloving. Sometimes I feel like we'll be stuck like this. But I don't know what to do. But what do you do?
  17. This June I lost my mother. She overdosed on pills in her bedroom above mine. She had struggled with depression, anxiety, and ptsd for as long as I can remember. The past 3 years though have been really tough. She was a lot more volatile and mean, but just for short periods then she'd go back to the amazing caring kind hearted person she was. It was always hard to tell if she was serious when she'd get that way. She'd always talk about running her car off a bridge or something along those lines but in a angry revenge way not a suicidal way. We had gotten even closer the past few years which I'd think would be hard to do with how close we already were. She was my best friend. The week of her suicide started off great. We found I was going to graduate college early after several dropouts and hardships on my end. Then I found out I was going to lose my scholarship and she didn't have enough money to pay my tuition. Which triggered not only her guilt of thinking she was a bad mom but her ptsd of my abusive biological dad. Every solution my adopted dad and I came up with wasn't good enough. She started to get in this cycle and couldn't get out of it. The night she killed herself was the worst. She had taken her sleep medicine to sleep through out the day. So when I had come home from class she was asleep. I woke her up and offered to get us dinner which she accepted. I then went out to get food, when I came home I woke her up again and she didn't remember our conversation and got really angry at me saying that she was going to leave me and my dad and that we'd be happier without her. I told her that was stupid and that I'd leave her food out for her. When she finally came down stairs several hours later I went into the kitchen to talk to her. When I walked by her she tried to flip my drink out of my hand. To which I got angry and lashed out asking what her problem was. She replied me being alive was her problem. To which I told her maybe I'd go crash a car somewhere and stormed out of the house where she followed me and told me not to take the nice car then. That was the last conversation I had with her. When I got home I had found she'd locked me out of the house and had to call and wake up my dad to let me in. I then spent 2 hours debating calling 911 cause she had been acting so weird. I decided to wait till morning to avoid her wrath. I woke up 5 hours later went up to her room. By the time the EMTs arrived she was gone. Everytime I walk into my house all I can see is how she looked when I found her. I blame myself so much its consuming my life. Everyday gets harder not easier and I don't know what to do.
  18. I never imagined to be typing words on a grieving support group site today... July 27, 2017, A day I will never forget. The day I lost my mother to death. You know what pains me the most? The fact that she died alone in our room. I am an only child, 27 years of age and my father passed away on October 20, 1989. I was born on October 15, 1989, therefore I was only a mere 5 day old infant when I lost him to death. Basically, my whole life is just my Mama and I. She took care of me, educated me, fed me, gave me EVERYTHING, did EVERYTHING. She sacrificed 27 years of her life for me. I saw the moments of hardships, pains, and disappointments she endured just to give me a life that is comfortable. We would always go to bed at night and watch music videos of my favorite artists, or watch her favorite movies. We would laugh and cry together while watching, haha. Days before she died, she told me she was not feeling well. We were eating then and after she finished her meal, she suddenly felt not too good. She lied down on the bed and rested. For the first time, we didn't watch any videos because she rested instead. I was worried, but not too much as I thought it was a simple flu. I gave her meds when she woke up, even talked to her. She said she is going to be fine anyway so no need to get so worked up. Next day, I went to work. I couldn't leave her because it felt like my feet were too heavy. She said she was fine and just needed a cold glass of water, which I gave her. She told me "Go, or you'll be late", and I did go. That was the biggest regret of my life. If onlys and what ifs filled my existence now. If only i didn't leave, If only I had taken the initiative to call a doctor, if only I called an ambulance, If only I was by her side before she took her last breath. I was worried the whole day at work. It's like something is bothering me for some odd reason. I decided to take an early out at work. I needed to go home that's what I thought. I passed by a vendor who sells banana cue (it's a popular snack in the Philippines, it's basically sweetened bananas on a stick), it was her favorite snack and figured she will be happy if I buy three sticks of it for her. I went home and it's like time suddenly became so slow. I unlocked the door and I saw what will be the biggest nightmare in my life. I...saw my mother, leaning on the side of the bed, frozen and not breathing. I literally just looked at her. I did not know what to do. After a minute or two, panic sets in and I saw my hands shaking while dialing the numbers on my mobile phone. My phone even froze on me and I screamed the biggest curse I have ever said in my entire life. Minutes after, Medics came in, saying no heartbeat and no pulse. Nothing. She might have died at around 9AM. I saw her at 4:24 PM. Upon hearing what the medics said, I shook her, I poured water on her face, I slap her, I beat her chest, EVERYTHING out of desperation. I then broke down and cried. The reality slowly creeping on me that YES, she is gone, Christine. Our lives together suddenly flashed in front of me. I couldn't even grieve properly because I have to process her death certificate and cremation permit file the next day. Who would have thought I would process that damn death certificate?! I was angry and bitter. It felt unfair. She, at the age of 54, died of a heart attack. That's what the coroner said. Up until this day, my head is still swimming around that day when I found her body. I still work, eat, take a bath, doing what Humans normally do but it all felt pointless now. Waking up everyday is a pain. The only motivation I have is that I know my mother wouldn't want me to waste my life away. She suffered 27 years and for me to just throw that all away is like being an ungrateful child. The least I can do to her is show her that her sacrifices didn't end up to nothing. I guess this void in my heart will always be in here now no matter what. I'd be happy one minute, but sad the next. I know time will heal me, but I also know it wouldn't heal me completely.
  19. Do I have PTSD?

    Today after driving for over 8 hours, I reached home and suddenly began having a panic attack. My entire body felt as if I was vibrating. My hands were straight out and I could not bring them back together for 10 minutes. I felt as if I was about to pass out, but I never did. A lot of things reminded me of my mother during the ride. On the way home, I cried for three hours straight. I almost crashed four times, but I did not. That made me feel more guilty of how I can avoid death but my mom died anyway from sepsis. My sister helped me calm down and breathe normally again. I'm still feeling a little off. My issue is that the more I think about how my mom is no longer alive, the more it feels like a dream. I don't know how to explain this. I literally feel as if I'm just stuck in a nightmare but I cannot wake up from it and that's when I start panicking. The more I remember how my mother passed and that I will not ever get to see her or speak to her again, my mind feels distant. As if this is all just a test. My chest also starts to hurt. The flashbacks make me feel the same pain over and over each time. Has someone ever said something really mean to you and it hurt your feelings? That's how I feel every time I remember how my mom died. It's starting to not feel like reality anymore. Like I'm not really even a human being. It all feels like a huge prank being played on me. Deep breaths and all those techniques only help for a small amount of time. My throat tightens as if I'm about to cry. And I do. I cried today more than I did at the funeral. When I think about how much I cried, I want to cry again. This is just getting too much to deal with as time goes on and time is surely not healing this wound. What can I do to stop panicking and bring myself back to reality? How will I continue my life without my mother here with me? I literally want to press the "start over" button and go back to when I was a baby just so I can see her again.
  20. I have written a post here about a month and half ago, explaining my situation and how I feel about losing my mother. http://forums.grieving.com/index.php?/topic/11256-how-can-i-live-with-myself/ Now, I don't know what I feel and it scares me. I started living my life like before, even though nothing is like before, there's this sadness that hoovers over everything I do. I have moments when I cry, but they are lesser and moments when I laugh and maybe forget about it for a while. But it just doesn't seem right. Even though I express myself and let things out when they come, I fear that I'm moving on too fast and that I'm not healing. Sometimes I feel guilt because I laugh and forget, sometimes I know it's what mom would have wanted, sometimes it's really really hard and I feel it's getting harder. It's the first time in my life when I really don't know how I feel and what is happening. And I think that this is happening mainly because I don't really feel that she's gone, that she has left me. I know it's normal to feel lost, but it's not that. I feel like I'm moving on too easily and I don't know if that's the road I should be on. Has any of you experienced this? Thank you all of reading!
  21. I lost my mother over a year ago fighting cancer. Im young and I was so attached to her. Im only 14 and its so hard for me. Im still coping with losing her. Thats my mom you know. I still cry when someone talks about her or when we go visit her. I feel like its never gonna change and im going to always feel sad. I get mad because why would god take her from me when he knew that she was my all. Everybody always tells me its going to be okay but they don’t understand the pain im going through. I just need advice or someone to talk to who has lost a parent also.
  22. It's been almost 3 months since I lost my mom. Everybody keeps telling me to be patient, to let time heal, but things are just getting worse for me. And I've tried to cope with it, but it just keeps coming back. I'm more a spiritual than religious type of person and I'm seeing a shaman. I've been working with her, it's better at times, but there are days when I just feel I can't go on. My mother was my best friend, my sister, my soulmate, my all. She was my rock, the person to which I turned to every time, the person who gave me strength, the only person to whom I gave all the love I was capable of. I found out that she had cancer in January, when it was already too late and I decided to not tell her immediately because I was afraid. She believed that once one gets cancer, there is no escape from dying and she was also a person who, once she had her mind set to something, that thing would happen. So I wanted to try to keep her in a positive mindset for as long as I could. It was the first time I lied to her sincer I was a kid. After a while, it got out, I told her a part of it and things started getting worse. Afterwards, I told her everything and in about 2 weeks, she died. I blame myself for taking this route but I don't know if I would have done it the other way around, I don't know if things would have been better if I would have told her from the start. But the most awful thing is that the last two months were filled with anger and a lot of disputes. Meaning exactly the opposite from how we were before. And this just kills me. I was trying to explain that all cancers have also emotional causes and that she should change, that she should think more about herself (my mom always thought about before thinking what's best for her), that she should try solving those issues. And she was asking me to be patient, because maybe we have time, and I was not because I was desperate and afraid and I knew that time mattered. And from this we always started to quarrel. I don't have regrets when it comes to my relationship with my mom, but I have a lot of regrets related to the last period spent with my mom. I could have just shut up and not try to tell her what I think she should do, I could have just renounced trying to change her. I had faith she would get better until the end, I was trying also in the few hours in which she was in a coma. Because I just couldn't stop. But I don't know how to live with myself knowing that the last months with my mom where how they where, that I didn't offer her the understanding and the support that she needed. Because I think that in the last period she wanted to be left alone, to die. My mom was always there for me, she knew how to cheer me up, she knew how to support me, she knew what to say to make it all better. She was always there when I needed her, when I was sick, she always made me better or knew what to do or where to take me to solve the problem. She always figured out a solution and I didn't when it came to her needing me. I couldn't save my mom and offer her what she needed, when it was my turn to do it. And I just don't know how I can get used to living with this. Does someone here have a piece of advice? Thank you and I really hope that somehow, each and every person here will find his or her peace.
  23. Feeling empty

    We were a very happy family till the last June when my husband was diagnosed with a tumor in the stomach. We have two children 15 and 12. In front of our children we never talked about death but we didnt know that is going to happen very soon for us. He had three chemos and after that a surgery which resulted unsuccessful to remove the tumor. The surgeon said he was inoperable cause of the spreading which wasnt noticed before surgery. After some days (December 3, 2016) of the intervention (the surgeon did a gastric bypass) my husband had an internal bleeding which was fatal for him. In September 2016,my children lost their grandma and I lost my mother which lived with us. And now from happy family we are returned in a silent one. I don't know if we are going to find that happiness again?! My children, I hope yes! I'm trying to do as best I can for them but... myself I feel so empty...
  24. I lost my mother April 27, 2017 My sister called me that morning and said to get to the hospital mommy was rushed there and nobody would tell her how she was doing, she was unconcious and had a faint pulse. She had been rushed to the hospital twice this year because of unexplained fainting, but every time I arrived she was alert and waiting to see the doctor! This time was different when I went to the hospital I was escorted to the family room where I waited for 30 mins til my family got there...then the doctor came in. He said he did all he could do but she did not make it. I started crying and was in a state of shock my sister and uncle asked the questions. Since that day I've pretty much cried every day! I'm back at work staying busy but I feel so lost. I just wish I could talk to her one more time! Hug her one more time...give her a proper goodbye. People around me check on me and I tell them I'm fine, but I'm not...I want to be fine but I don't know what to do to get this constant heartache to stop. She was in an assistant living home before she passed, I talked to her a few times a week...made frequent short visits and brought her the things she needed and wanted. Looking back now just wish I'd spent more time with her and talked to her about whatever she wanted to talk about! I told her I loved her often but it still just feels like it wasn't enough, I feel like I let her down now.
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