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Found 73 results

  1. When I was 7 Years old I lost my mother to Ovarian Cancer. She had the illness for three years but me and my brother who was only five didn't know. That was her choice, not to tell us but I still remember what happened like it was yesterday. On May 19th, I was in an accident, small one but I broke my finger and I had to go to the Emergency Room. My friend's mum was babysitting me and my friend at my house, my dad was at the hospital with her. He came back home, looking like he had been crying but he brushed it off when I asked. He then took me to a different hospital where they looked at my finger. When I was ready to go to sleep I hear the stairs creak and I know that it's my dad but hope it's my mum because she would still try to be there for me and my brother at events because she wanted a normal life for us. My dad was talking to my little brother and I heard my brother cry, I was scared to get up, brushed it off at first. He then came into my room and said "Mummy has died." I then cried for several hours and sat there and named everything I couldn't do without her. God, I miss her. She would always go the extra mile to help me out, she never failed me. I thought her illness was as bad as a cold because I was so young and didn't even know what happened. I didn't even know what cancer was, my brother didn't even know what death meant he was 5, but his instincts told him. I remember getting cards from everyone at school, people I didn't even know. I feel so numb. I'm on antidepressants now and they help, but I wish I could forget. I also am happy I remember but maybe I wouldn't be this shattered emotionally if I didn't remember. I remember her funeral way too well. We went to a church and then we had her service. Everyone was crying except me, my dad and my brother. At one point my brother started to cry and say "I miss my mummy. When is she coming back from heaven?" Or something along those lines. That broke my heart, and set me off crying for the first time since I cried that night. We were all in shock. At her burial I did the best to distract my brother and my grandma, her mother. That's what I tend to do, I care for others more than myself. I kept a smile on my face the whole funeral, watching my relatives sob. bI wanted to break and I needed her to get out of that casket and hug me and never let me go, but I knew that wasn't going to happen. I was in denial until the funeral. The 'moving on' part was a big slap in the face. You can't move on, but you have to live your life and that was the worst part for me. I didn't want to let her go. Actually no, the worst part was I didn't get to say goodbye. She left me a note with some of her memories and other details in it and she was so weak but she kept on typing. I won't go into full detail about the note, but included some of her favourite memories we spent. That broke my heart, because I didn't even appreciate them when they happened. I know it could be so much worse, but that's the story of how I lost my mother. I'm still learning to survive with Grief and it's the hardest thing I've ever learnt to cope with. I haven't been to her grave in 6 years, we moved countries after she died and that made it a lot worse. I remember spending everyday for 3 days after school in the hospital with her and her face still haunts me, maybe in a good way. But I watched her slowly die and I don't think I will ever be able to erase that.Thank you for reading this, maybe I will do an update in the future. Rest In Peace Verity. Also, Our family has a history of this type of Cancer so either I'm going to get it or if I have a daughter she will get it. It sometimes skips a generation but either me or her is going to die from it before the age of 60 like the other women in our family, also I do know the chances are small but I'm a teenager and I know that that's a risk I just can't take. I haven;t told my friends but I hate the fact that I can't have kids, I may be getting a test for the gene BRCA1 and BRCA2 so I will maybe do an update then,I know I can still have kids but it's such a high risk. I love kids, I can't take a chance and give her a short life. I wouldn't know the gender but I can't live thinking I've set my daughter up for death. DISCLAIMER: I am not pregnant now and won't be for either a while or never.
  2. I've never done this before but it was recommended by some friends to try and find some people online who understand. Growing up I had an amazing life, both parents always around, I was always daddy's little girl and Moms little angel. At 13 my parents got a divorce. My dad got really depressed and started using drugs. We always stayed in touch and hung out pretty often, even when things got rough. My mother and I were living house to house for about a year. We found a nice apartment and lived there for 5 years. When i was 18 on 5/8/2015 I lost my father he was 45. It was a very rough 2 months for my family and I. He went into the hospital for shortness of breath. The next night i get a call saying he went into cardiac arrest, after that in was in an induced coma for 2 months. They would wake him up once a day for me to be able to visit with him, He couldn't talk due to the tube in this throat but he was still there. He had multiple surgeries all of which were my choice (since i was 18 and the oldest child i was next of kin) and after his last surgery he lost all function of his brain. It was my decision to let him go. I know he wouldn't have wanted to be like that. It's almost been 2 years since that's happened and i still think about it everyday. I don't think I will ever make it through that. At age 20 on 2/24/2017 I lost my mother she was 50. In December she went into the ER because she wasn't feeling to well and the doctor had told us she had stage 4 breast cancer. I was completely destroyed. My mom was the healthiest woman ever, didn't smoke, didn't drink, ate healthy, took all her vitamins. She started chemo not to long after that, after her 3rd session she had come home and called me, she said she wasn't feeling to good and of course we all thought it was just the chemo. The next afternoon my 15 year old brother came home from school and called me saying he couldn't wake her up. He called 911 and we all met at the hospital, They pulled us into the "family room" and i knew at that point that this couldn't be good. The cancer had made its way into her stomach, she bleed out so much that her heart completely stopped. My mom was my best friend, my person to run too. We had a very close relationship from beginning to end. We were there for each other in the hardest of times. Now I am a 20 year old, with no parents, a 15 year old brother and no support. I am completely lost and broken.. I feel like giving up myself but i can't do that my brother needs me right now and i can't even hold myself together.
  3. I am 18 and I lost my mom February 16th to metastasized breast cancer to the bones and liver. I knew she wasn't going to live to see the age of 60 and I had just (literally two days) before come to terms with the fact that my mother was going to die before I wanted her to. I bawled my eyes out to my counsellor but she said I had taken strides in accepting my moms fate. Still, she was always so positive and had a bright look on the future, which in turn caused all of us to. The week before she died even while she was in the hospital she was the one reassuring me to take each day at a time. That was one of my last conversations with her actually, as I had called her the day before she passed (we thought she was coming home). When she went to the hospital, she was very yellow and had yellow eyes, and she was throwing up black more towards the end. The doctors apparently didn't know what was wrong with her but even before she went into the hospital I remember crying to my dad telling him these were signs of liver failure. I truly believe she kept her fate from us that week to spare us misery well we spent our last moments with her. Still, I was so scared but I had kept my positive energy until the very end. The last time my mom was conscious when I saw her, we talked about what life would be like without her, and we talked about personal things I've always wanted to tell her. She hugged me goodbye extra hard that night and now that I am looking back on it, it felt like she was saying goodbye. On the actual night she passed away, I was at soccer and my dad came in and looked at me and said we have to go. My stomach turned into a pit and I went into shock in our truck (I went into literal shock, I didn't not cry but my body was seizing up, I couldn't move and I was going numb). I gathered myself up, because I have a twin sister and a younger brother a sister. They were all crying hysterically, but I couldn't cry because I was in shock. When we got to the hospital we all sprinted up to my moms hospital room and seeing her like that made me start to cry hysterically. I couldn't believe the family rock, our spark and the love of each of our lives was actually leaving us. She was put into a sleeping state and we all said goodbye to her then. She passed three hours later and I was the last to kiss her goodbye. My immediate family is very close and because my mom was such a big presence in the community we have a lot of support, but ever since that day it feels as if my soul has been sucked out of me. I literally can't breath properly and I talk with my family about my feeling but my body still feels incomplete and soulless. I feel the lack of her presence every second of the day. she won't see my brother and sister graduate high school, she doesn't even know if I got accepted to the university of my dreams, I don't know her secret recipes, shell never see any of us fall in love and ill never see her eyes sparkle or hear her laugh. There are so many reminders of her everywhere, all over town and in my home, that it makes me ache so badly. Its so hard and its so confusing and scary all at the same time. I was so shocked that she left us so fast and that we had so many unanswered questions. I wish I could have one more minute to talk with her and tell her I love her and just to see her smile, I know this is all silly talk but my mom was the most ravishing sparkle and bad things arnt supposed to happen to pure and good people. I miss her so much and I don't know how I'm going to live the rest of my life without her. Im not saying that to be emo, I know we have to go on but I mean like I don't know how ill ever be able to laugh or build a family or stuff like that without my mothers love and guidance.
  4. I lost my mother a month ago to a sudden heart attack in bed. She was fit and healthy and had no health conditions, so this came as a huge shock to us all. I was visiting my parents for the weekend and was sleeping in the room next to them, and my Dad woke me up saying that he couldn’t wake my mother up. We both then tried to wake her, called 999 and the paramedics did all they could to save her, but were unable to do so. One of the problems I have during my grief is that because my Dad and I were the ones first on the scene, we saw her at the most horrifyingly worst - blue lips, helpless body and eyes all over their sockets, and then we saw her being given CPR for around 45 minutes on the floor of the bedroom. I just can’t get these images out of my head at night and they come back each and night as soon as I decide to go to bed. I’m sure there must be some link to the fact that it happened just after I went to bed that night and they therefore come back at the same sort of time. I don’t live in the same house where it happened, but that hasn’t really made much of a difference with this. I’m curious to know if anyone has had any similar experiences to this and whether they found a solution that stops this regular recollection of what I saw that night. I’ve tried reading more books than usual, especially in bed at night, which helps a bit but it hasn't solved the problem. It wouldn’t be so bad if I was recalling the best memories I have of her but it’s always these absolutely terrible ones. I’d also like to know how people have got through the first few months in general. I was numb for the first 2 weeks, and then going back to work I’ve felt a bit more normal but some days are very painful indeed. I’ve heard people say that a sudden death like this takes longer as the numbness and shock need to get over first before the proper grieving starts, and now I feel like I’m right in the full grieving process. I’m not religious, but I still like to feel my mother will always be by my side in some sense and always there to offer an opinion and answer a question - which is good because she was always right!
  5. I've never done this before. My therapist recommended somewhere online I might find someone who can relate. So, here goes. I grew up as an only child and with one parent, my mother. I lost my mom four years ago this April. I never got to talk to her before she died. I was working out of state saving money to make her life better. I don't know how it happened, but it was a car accident. When I asked about it, I'm told it's none of my business. When it happened, I was told it was a broken leg and nothing more. I thought; okay. Good. Just a leg. Could be worse, but thank god it's not. I'll take time off and stay with her in the hospital. When she's released, we'll either go back home or back to my place. I'll work and take care of her and hire a nurse to be with her while I'm at work. I lived about three hours from the hospital she was at and I rushed to her. My uncle's wife gave me bad directions, so I ended up at the wrong hospital! She called the cellphone and gave the right directions to my friend while I drove. Ten minutes away and without so much as a care to her voice, I heard her say to my friend; "the doctors aren't gonna wait any longer. She's dead." And hung up. I found out the truth. It wasn't her leg. It had nothing to do with her leg, it was fine. My mom's neck had been crushed. The part about my mom's neck I just found out last month. Once we found the right hospital, the police were waiting and questioned me for hours. finally, I was released to see my mom and talk to the doctor. She was brain dead, but her heart was going strong and on life support. Which I didn't understand if she was gone. I tried to talk to the doctor, but her family pulled me away and started going on about what they wanted. The doctor managed to tell me I had to chose. Pull the plug or keep her on life support. I tried to ask him about what would happen if kept on life support, but yet again her family pulled me away. Telling me to do what they wanted. Telling me to do what my grandfather wanted. I wanted to hear the doctor out to tell me what happened and what would be better for my mom. When it came down to it, it was just me. My choice. I didn't have a father to make the choice or talk me through it. I didn't have siblings to hold hands with and cry. I didn't even have a spouse. My family were of no help, talking over me and ignoring me. I was only allowed to agree with them. When I cried, I was yelled at that I had no right. Maybe I didn't.....finally, I agreed to pull the plug. I never spoke to the doctor or a nurse. I told them I wanted to be with her when she went. My family argued obviously. I went to her room and held her hand, talked to her, kissed her and rubbed her feet and legs, brushed her hair and tucked her in. It took ten minutes. In those ten minutes, her father nor siblings never came to the room. My cousins popped in every few seconds. After those minutes, I told her I loved her and made her comfortable. When I tried to leave the room, I froze. If I left, it meant everything was real and not a dream. I lost it and a nurse and the doctor helped me to a private room. Sorry for the long post. I've never told anyone besides my therapist about that day. Those that know choose to ignore it.
  6. I've recently lost my mother almost a month ago due to cancer and I've just been depressed about it and have no clue how to get passed the fact that she's gone and that I'll never get to see her again or get to hear her say I love you or anything ever again... so my question is how do I get passed being depressed and this feeling of being lost and alone? Just how to feel happy again?
  7. Hello, I'm new here. I lost my mom 4 months ago today, officially on 11/15/16. She was in a chemical coma for a week before that. I miss my mommy so much. I know that sounds childish but that's what I called and call her. She was 51 years old, and on 11/16 my dad turned 53, on 11/19 I turned 30. We buried her the day before Thanksgiving. Their 31st wedding anniversary was 11/2. I am utterly devastated. My life is built around my mom, my dad, and my grandma (her mom). I feel like one of the great pillars that holds me up has crumbled from beneath me. She had Parkinsons that was deteriorating rapidly but, this early was still a surprise. A 4:30 AM phone call, show up to see the Code Blue team standing around a bed with my mother's motionless yet living body laying on it with her head turned away from me. I miss her so much. I want her back and I know I can't have her back. I wish I could hear her voice, her real voice one more time. The Parkinsons starting taking her voice years ago. She even had bilateral DBS done, but it bought us a lot less time than we thought. Mommy, if you can read this from where you are, your little girl loves you and misses you. I feel lost and broken without you. I wish I could go back in time. But if wishes were fishes, then no one would starve. I was there visiting just that night before. We watched an Eagles game, she loved football and was always amused at how confused it made me. I fed her some ice cream. At the end, she couldn't even use her hands to eat and I could barely understand her speech which broke my heart into pieces. Before getting sick, her favorite hobbies were gardening, going shopping for plants or thrift shops, driving, and when she was in high school, a record-setting hurdler and track star. She deserved so much better than the life she struggled and fought every step through, but she did teach me how to be strong. Funny how this would be the kind of time I'd need to lean on her the most. I'm sorry if this was too long or rambly...it's kind of nice to talk about her like this, remember her. Thanks for reading -mw
  8. It's almost been a year since the passing of my mother. I'm 27 she was 49 and I really feel cheated and pissed off she went so early. She was full of life and had dreams. She wanted to learn how to dance and overcome her own emotional obstacles and learn to be happy. I wanted that for her, just like she wanted for me (Or still wants...I believe she watches over me). My mom and I were close and I'm sad she'll never see me reach my life goals, get married or have kids, she didn't even get to go to Ireland and see the castles; she had never even been on a plane before...She wanted to see the world. She did however get to see me on TV for a small second wearing a dress she bought me and she recorded it and was so pleased, it made me feel like a star (Such a mom thing to do right?!) So, I hold onto that as my little win. So after I got back to my house in Vancouver (Family is from Ontario) I had a pile of things to do because I had been gone for a month. I had to get back to work, finish a couple personal projects (fundraiser and short film) and then on top of that I thought I was going back to my boyfriend...Well I ended up breaking up with him a week later. He brought another girl to the house and had sex in my bed...THE DAY I FLEW OUT TO SEE MY DYING MOTHER!!! Oh yeah, I know how to pick em! So I got that loser out of my life...now I'm scared I let another one in... So I'll fast forward to a month and a bit after **** storm. I bumped into a friend of mine I knew through the comedy community and we started seeing each other. I told him I didn't want to date because I wasn't in the best of places and I was reassured that it would be fine and could work through it, I said no, he asked why, I explain again. I find this is the process for a lot of my emotional stuff. If I feel sad about my mom and currently I'm in one of those long waves of sadness; I mean the ones that last for a week or so. I keep waking up sad and then I get really happy in certain points of my day and then feel absolute **** again, then tears, then I'm alright and just meh. It's never ending and I don't know how to deal with it perfectly or if that's even a thing. I told my boyfriend that I needed some space and that I did not want to go on vacation on the anniversary of my mom's death (I said yes at first and then changed my mind that maybe I would like to honour that day differently) I got the "It's time to get over it" phrase and I said he has no business having two parents and telling me where I should be in my grief. I am so afraid that maybe we are not emotionally compatible (if that's even a thing!) He doesn't think it's healthy the way I'm acting, or that I cry. One time I was drunk crying about my mom in the street and he hugged me for about 20 seconds before he let go and kept walking...What is that? Has anyone ever dealt with such an emotional idiot? And do you think it's healthy for me to still be feeling so sad after almost a year? What does it feel like even after 5 years?
  9. Hi - I'm new here and so glad that I found this forum. My father passed in 2004 at age 60 from lung cancer. He and I were very close. I still miss him dearly. My mother passed away January 1, 2016. My mother's passing was not expected. Her health was failing, rapidly in the last month but there was always hope mostly because no one really knew what was going on. I was long distance (7 hour drive away) with two small children to take care of (now 5 and 7). I am an only child. I feel like I could have done so much more for my mother. I often have feelings of guilt about this. I was sometimes unkind to her out of frustration. I have a tendency to get angry when I'm upset and/or feel out of control. I also feel guilty because, at the time of her death, I felt a bit of relief. I feel like I haven't really grieved her. After the week of the funeral - clearing out her apartment in a hurry, dealing with an unfriendly landlord, and financial issues - I went right back to "normal" life. Everyone where I live assumed I was strong, brave, whatever, and didn't really support me. I have felt very alone but sort of tucked that away. Over the last two months, I've developed intense anxiety.I started medication that sometimes works, sometimes doesn't. I constantly feel like my life is about to fall apart. I have stressors that are real and some that are my own invention. For instance, I can feel my heart rate go up and have my stomach get upset just trying to figure out what to pack in my girls' lunchboxes in the morning. My spouse is tired of hearing about my anxieties. He tries to be supportive, just doesn't know how and does get exhausted hearing the same things over and over. I've only cried a couple of times. It came out of the blue and didn't last long. I'm wondering if anyone has experienced, is experiencing, the same and/or if anyone has advice to offer. My gratitude in advance for any feedback. Peace, Jess
  10. Hi Everyone, I am not the one to talk about things, but I think the time has come that I should- I don't feel like I can post things on facebook or twitter etc as I don't want my friends to think I just want attention- so perhaps this is the best way to do it to people who don't know me. My Mother had Motor Neurone Disease ( MND to people in UK or ALS To people in US) She was struggling with this for just under 2 years first she lost her voice which was very difficult for her and then some of her nerve were getting weaker, I won't go into too much detail as this is a horrendous disease and very hard for people who have it and their families, it was very hard watching her go through this, but she always kept her smile and gave me the thumbs up. She pretty much had her mobility until the end.. she passed away September 2014. My father was her main carer although she was still pretty independent he was able to go out to work a couple days a week, the only health condition he had was diabetes but this was under control. He died less then two months after Mum passed away...I moved in with him to spend time with him after Mum passed away, he came back from shopping one day but the shopping on the table and then went to his office to do some computer work, I heard a loud noise .. like a bang or fall. I then called out "Dad" no response so I went to have a look, he was on the floor eyes closes having a heart attack...called ambulance they couldn't resuscitate him so kept trying along the ambulance ride, still kept trying when we arrived, then after around 40minutes declared him dead ( I was there for this whole time period) My sister lives in Borneo Malaysia ( as did I before mum passed but I managed to get back before she passed away ) I called her to tell her Dad had died.. BIG shock out of the blue. Hung up spent more time with dad to try say goodbye, a nurse came in check his pulse and felt one.. brought everyone in got his heart going and put him on a ventilator.. I called my sister again to say he was back. She flew over as fast as she could 2 days later. Dad was in coma for 5 days they did some tests and decided they wanted to switch the Machines off. So Friday the 28th November my Dad passed away- his birthday Month and less then 2 months after my Mum, I became an orphan at the age of 29. Of course I am devastated but I also understand how lucky my sister and I were to have such loving parents, for as many years possible. I felt what if? what if I new my first aid better, what if I could have ran to dad faster realised he fell, what if I didn't panic.. he could still be alive. I'm sorry to have told you most of my storey and I don't know what I expect back-but right now it has been 2 years I still feel numb, I feel like I'm in a dream world, I feel Mad, I feel bitter, of course I try not to show this to people but I feel this inside. I put on a brave face and try to carry on with life. I watch movies with weddings, people having kids, their Mum's and Dads with them, I feel jealously I feel pain because I will never have this. My sister was so lucky to have my dad walk her down the isle at her wedding, her kids met their Grandparents. I wish I could have this, but I can't. Any way I have so much to say .. And I Would like to talk to people that feel the same, have had the same experience as me. My sister is older then me but she was weaker then me at the time of our devastation and I have always tried to stay strong for her, I just can't tell her my deepest feelings about this.
  11. Hi everyone, I am new here. I am so happy to have found this website. I am 30 years old and my Mom passed away just over a month ago. She was 58 years old and passed away from Lung cancer. She started having pains in her back which we thought maybe she just pulled a muscle in her back, but 3 months later, she was gone. My Mom was my everything, we were best friends. I miss her so much, sometimes I just don't know how I can carry on for so many years without her. All of my friends have their parents so I feel very alone. I'm not married yet, however it's close, and my Mom and I talked about my wedding all the time. I am not sure how I will ever be able to get married without it being the saddest day of my life! Anyways, that's briefly my story.... I am looking forward to chatting with you all.
  12. My mom started feeling sick at the end of July. My mom was the funniest most vibrant woman who lived life with such flair. Mom had always been very healthy and made a point of going to every checkup. My dad took her to many doctors and specialists. She was subjected to many unnecessary tests, misdiagnosed and placed on harsh antibiotics for an intestinal infection she didn't have. She lost a lot of weight and continued to be in pain. We were thankful, however, that the doctors told us it was treatable and a relatively minor infection. Even though the doctors were satisfied it was something minor, my mom insisted that something was wrong. She was nauseous and unable to eat as normal. On November 3rd, my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. It was difficult and unexpected news for mom, and us. After the diagnosis, the new specialist told my mom that he was hopeful and would help her. We were encouraged. Treatment, however, could not be scheduled until November 22nd, even though all of the doctors knew my mom had lost a lot of weight and was unable to eat much. They said they were not that concerned with the weight loss and loss of appetite, that the treatment would help. The morning of November 21, 2016, I called to check on my mom and my mom was very weak. I asked her if she needed me to call out of work to help her, she told me to go to work and she would be ok, as moms do. For whatever reason, I called out of work and went over to help my dad get my mom to my mom's pre-treatment appointment. We decided to take her to the emergency room before her appointment to get fluids because she was so weak. We were almost at the hospital when my mom lost consciousness. I still don't get what happened. It was so surreal. The ER doctors said a cardiac event or something due to the illness. My mom was weak but was up and talking that morning and doing her hair. I couldn't believe it was happening when she went unconscious. I didn't know what to do I was panicked and couldn't think and couldn't believe what was happening to my mom. They revived her at the ER but then lost her. I can still see them working on my mom. I keep reliving that morning and my mom unconscious. I am so devastated and heartbroken. I keep replaying things and thinking of what more I could have done to save my mom. This is so hard for me, I would have done anything for my mom and I feel like I failed her in her last moments. I didn't know. I never thought this. I couldn't think. I didn't know what to do. I was in a panic. I couldn't believe it was happening and yet I was so distraught at the same time. All I could do was pray and cry. I never ever thought my mom wouldn't make it. I don't understand. I don't get what happened. I never thought this. My mom had been so healthy with a healthy heart. After she passed, I couldn't even bring myself to say goodbye in the ER. I couldn't take seeing my mom like that. It was so awful and unbelievable. I wish I had been stronger but I wasn't. I'm in such anguish and grief. I cry all the time. I miss her so much she's my very best friend. I prayed for her so much during her illness and especially after her diagnosis. I never thought this. I never thought she wouldn't make it. It doesn't make sense to me. I don't understand and I don't know how to do this without my mom. She is the heart of our family. My mom and I always told each other how much we meant to each other and how much we loved each other. I wish I would have done more for her, if only I had gotten her to the hospital sooner or something. I'm so crushed. The thought that I failed her in her last moments is too much. Nothing feels right anymore, I function and am back to a routine but I feel so heavy and weighted down. I feel like I lost a piece of me that day. It feels like a horrible nightmare. I keep praying to wake up from it but each morning I cry realizing my mom still isn't here. It's so strange how the world goes on and those who were very concerned at first have gone on with life. They don't get it. They don't understand what this feels like. I know I didn't understand what it felt like either until it happened. My mom loved the holidays but this year, we didn't know what to do without her. It's just three of us now which is so different. There's such a void for us. I'm unmarried with no children and the thought of my mom not being here for my wedding or kids is beyond what I can process. I can't process any of this. I'm in such anguish and pain. When I'm alone, I wail and cry. It hurts too much to hold it in. When I'm not devastated, I'm just numb. I can't feel much else. My aunt who had been ill also passed a couple weeks after my mom but I couldn't process it because I'm so hurt over my mom. We were always either together or talking on the phone. I miss her voice, her hugs, her wit, her laugh and how she cared for me like no one else. I miss her so much I physically ache sometimes.
  13. My mother died on December 26th, 2016. She was only 66 years old, She died of COPD. We weren't really close, she was a difficult woman. Whenever we were together we would fight, Its been that way since I was a child. I did love her though and she did love me in her own way. The last words she ever said to me in person was "get out" I did talk with her on the phone one time a few months before she died, she was kind of out of it . she told me she didn't blame me for "disappearing" after everything that happened between us. I still stayed away after that worried that I would upset her. when she was more in her right mind she tried to contact me but the one person who had my phone number gave her the wrong number on purpose. so for over a year she tried but I never got her message. I don't really have a social media presence so I guess I am kind of hard to find. our relationship was always off and on though. it was normal for us to go years without speaking. its so sad, such a waste of time. truth be told we were both sort of petty and very stubborn. the family members who looked out for her were cruel to her in her last days. they were penny pinching (with her money) they wouldn't pay for necessary medical stuff to keep her comfortable ,they cut off her cable tv, and even her last wishes in regard's to her burial weren't respected. to add insult to injury not 2 hours after she was buried they were over at her farm taking stuff, trying to at least. I stopped them in their tracks, when I called the cops on them ! I am now fighting with those ghouls over her estate. its not about the money or even the property. its about her wishes, she wouldn't have wanted them to see one red cent ! she wanted her place turned into an animal shelter for large animals (horses, goats, ect) and I intend on fallowing through with her wishes. its kind of my way to make amends. I try to remember what little good times we had but for every good one ten bag ones come flooding back as well. I love her and I hate her. I keep having the same reoccurring nightmare every single night. I dream that I am standing by her grave and for some reason I am overcome with a strange clusterphobic feeling and then I envision her buried alive, stuck 6 feet underground in her casket. then I wake up. I haven't slept in a week and time seems to have slowed to a crawl. do any of you guys suffered from reoccurring nightmares as well? how do you deal with mourning someone you've had a rocky relationship with? I noticed there seems to be very few books written about this kinda stuff. I feel so overwhelmed and tired both emotionally and physically. she is really all I can think about these days.
  14. My mother and I both repented, lived holy lives, with clean hands and pure hearts. God was first love and first priority. We prayed for at least 3 hours each and every day, and studied the Bible for at least 1 hour every day. Prayer was the very first thing in the morning. Our faith was very strong. We strove to obey God's commandments, including keeping the Sabbath day holy. We attended Sabbath services. We served God. Preached the true gospel. We both practiced abstinence, self-sacrifice and self-discipline, so we didn't spend money on holidays, restaurants or other pleasures. We were truly faithful disciples of Christ, by striving to live according to His word. Out of the little that we had, we donated money to charities and helped homeless people. We were never ever involved in occultism. My mother was totally faithful to my father in marriage, although he was very abusive towards her. Although, she forgave him many times, the abuse didn't stop. On the contrary, the more she forgave, the worse the abuse became. It reached a point where she had no choice but to divorce him. From then on, my mother never remarried. She lived the life of a widow for twenty years. We lived a very modest and quiet life. We practiced celibacy and sexual abstinence. Our lives resembled those of nuns. My mother was very protective of me and she taught me to pray since I was two years of age. While parents usually read fairy tale stories to their children, I slept with the Bible under my pillow, which I took with me to the private school that my mother enrolled me in, and I learned about God. We put so much faith and trust in God and I feel like He has really let us down. The verses in Psalm 103:1-5 state: "Praise the Lord, my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name. Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all his benefits—who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s. The Lord works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed." My mother suffered from colorectal cancer which spread to her liver and kidneys, heart failure, pulmonary edema and anaemia, including numerous other medical issues. I was completely shocked, devastated and heartbroken when my mother passed away at an early age, and I read her long medical report, which went on and on. She was in terrible pain and had near fatal falls on a few occasions. Despite praying to God continuously, from early morning until late at night, with fasting and begging for my mother to be healed, my prayers returned unanswered. The more I prayed and fasted, the worse her health became. It deteriorated so much that she was bed-ridden for one year and couldn't see the light of day. None of these illnesses run on my mother's side of the family. We both took care of our health by drinking fruit and vegetable juices, exercising and more importantly, absolutely NO smoking, drugs or alcohol. While other people were celebrating Mother's Day with gifts like cakes, chocolates and flowers, as well as dining with their mothers at restaurants or taking them on luxury cruises, my mother was in the morgue awaiting cremation.
  15. Hello everyone, I lost our beautiful mum on the 4th of Oct 2016. It all started suddenly with fever, 103.6 degrees, nausea, diarrhoea after that she did not pass Urine for a day or bowel movement. She was totally fine except type two diabetes and hypotension. We were in India at that time and unfortunately there was a dengue and chucungunya epidemic. We went to family doctor he didn't order bloods and by symptom he told us it sss chucungunya which my aunt recently had.!she had a real bad joint pain also which is a symptom. On the fourth day she started getting worse and had a severe abdominal pain and was short of breath. She did t want to go to the doctor or in emergency. She was so bad that she could not move we finally called the ambulance who took her to hospital. The local doctor ordered tests on day four and everything was OK according to him and he now said it was a viral and the only issue was low platelet count. She had stopped eating and drinking water by day 4 -!; 5. When we reached hospital they said her platelet count was dangerously low 95,000 they ran tests and said her creatinine and potassium were sky high which meant her kidneys had failed they were only working10%. They said this was due to some infection but it'd take time to figure out until then she was put on anibiotics inserted a catheter to mesusrd Urine output and was given meds and food through pipes in her neck. The only was to purify her blood was through dialysis. On second day X ray came and they said she had air leaking out of her Intestine. Even when we reached hospital they did tell us she was really really sick, her kidneys were bad transplant was not an option as she was I poor health. They did emergency surgery to fix air in the intestine and discovered she had a bowel perforation (peritonitis) The surgeon told us her chance of survival with surgery was 10% and without surgery she'd not make it either it was 0%. They removed infected part of large I testing, found 1 litre of pus which they removed and put a temporary STOMA in her tummy. My poor mum was unconscious she didn't know what was going on at all! So we consented. Surgery went fine and st night she was stable but they put her on non invasive ventilator to help her lungs and heart and so she could sleep. In the morning, we were told her blood pressure had dropped to a dangerously low point. They gave her all meds to pump it up but nothing working she was in SEPTIC SHOCK now, around 5 pm it was almost ok she was maintaining around 90 but after that it suddenly Dropped further. They called us from ICU and said the last resort was a blood transfusion and if that didn't elevate her BP she would not make it. They tried this but it had no effect on her blood, eventually after a three day struggle at hospital and a living nightmare she passed away, I could not take the sight of her monitor and her vitals dropping anymore I went out, I told her how much I loved her but I don't think she heard me, I just didn't have the courage to stay with her until her last breath she was on ventilator and her vitals kept dropping until her pulse showed 0.. I let my father and her brother stay as only two people were allowed, it haunts me to think that perhaps she was looking for me and my brother and we were not present when she was counting her last breaths. this was the worst day of my life, I would do anything to bring her back but I think I failed as a daughter whom she always trusted blindly, I told her she would get better but she did not. I should have been more proactive but my mum was very weak, she was also overweight 97kgs that's why it was so hard to take her down from a fifth floor apartment in a shitty lift. Her result for chucungunya done at hospital came back positive. She kept saying she was fine, none of us realised the fatality of the situation p I don't know what killed her, doctor said she must have had diverticulitis or Crohns which got worse but no one had any specific cause. Her cerfticicate said MOD PERFORATION PERITONITIS ANF SEPTIC SHOCK. Do not ignore severe abdominal pain she fell sick on the 26th with fever only, got wide on the 29-30th Sep and passed on the 4th Oct. I will never forgive myself I should not have listened to the family doctor I should have made him order bloods sooner rather than listening to his viral and chucungunya logic, I hope it never happens to anybody's loved one. I missed the chance to give her life, I hate myself I will never forgive myself me and my brother lost the most loving and beautiful mum withi a span of eight days ... I wish.. I didn't say goodbye I didn't tell her I love her I am lost without her life has lost its meaning what Devil attacked her. We celebrated her birthday just a week ago and mine too :(it was too late I am not sure if she would have had better treatment in U.K. Or Usa not sure if the doctors in India treated her properly ..
  16. Hi guys, I'm new to this forum but not to grieving so I hope I'm posting this in the right section. Its been seven years since my Brother and I lost our Mum after a short mental illness that ended in her giving herself alcohol poisoning. It was a very stressful and confusing time, I was 17 and my brother only 15. We (my brother, Dad and I) have all coped in different ways but I, until recently, have felt that we are in it together. My Dad began dating another women three years later. My parents were married for 23 years, so I felt that it was rather fast but I didn't want him to be lonely anymore. The new woman came with two children a couple of years younger than my brother and I. My Father made promises that our home would always be our home and that my Brother and I were always his priority. This year especially feels like my Dad is moving on from my Brother and I, with his new family that doesn't come with any grieving issues or reminders of his dead wife. He bought his new partner a house for them to live in, with rooms for her children but not for us. They have new cars, a hot tub and foreign holidays. He moved my mums cat into the new house only for his partners dog to chase her away. We haven't seen her since. I don't feel that I am welcome in the house. There are no photos of my family, no furniture from our old house either. I feel that 'the new family' are taking advantage of my Dad and his kindness to get what they want. They may not realise it, but all the perks they are getting are all because of the extreme and deverstating lose we have been through. It's not about money. It's about feeling pushed out of the life of the only parent we have left. I don't know how to bring this up without sounding conceited. I've been feeling concerned about it for some time but it's gone too far for me to have any impact now. I feel so sad, so forgotten. My Dad keeps talking about the future, he bought his partner a commitment ring just days before the anniversary of my mums death, but my brother and I are literally the past walking. We can't escape where we came from or replace what we have lost. I just don't know how to cope. I know I can't have the life that should have happened for us, but i don't think we deserve the treatment we are getting now. We've been nothing to accepting, even though it's not what we wanted. I miss having a family and a place to go home to. I feel very alone. I'm only 24. I'm not supposed to know what to do in these situations. Sorry this is so long. Thanks.
  17. August 27, 2016, my mother passed away unexpectedly at 58 years old. I'm only 23 years old. I've been having suicidal thoughts for the past hour because the pain I feel from missing her is too immense to bear. I want to throw up, because I miss her so badly.
  18. My mother died about two months ago, and it doesn't seem as if I will ever feel good or right again. I would never take my own life, (though thoughts of that nature occur to me most days). I do not wish to die, and I also know how vehemently she would be opposed to my committing suicide. That said, I don't see much point in going on. I force myself through each day, but I feel little passion for life, or purpose in it. I was fortunate in that I had my mother until my mid-fifties, but now that she's gone, that may make it worse. She was the central presence in my life for over half a century, and without her I am lost. I realize that grieving is a process, and that things may improve, but it certainly doesn't feel that they will. It feels as if I will never be truly happy again.
  19. My mother died a year ago today. I am whittled in grief and guilt nearly every day for not being there to help take care of her or say goodbye. Someone once described out relationship as tumultuous. Often times we reversed roles where I played the parent and she the child. I feel like our relationship was more of a sisterly kind. We were very much alike and fought like siblings. I always expected her and wanted her to be the bigger person - the parent. And that's why I didn't budge in our last (what came to be the very last) quarrel. I felt like she was the parent and therefore was tasked with being the bigger person. She didn't even acknowledge my birthday. What kind of a mother does that? A very sick one. She was so proud for so long and wouldn't accept help. Thought she was too good for rehab. Couldn't find a place for the animals while gone. I didn't answer her calls. I unfriended her on FB so she couldn't see my daughter. I felt like she proved time and time again that she wasn't worthy. I didn't want to put my daughter's life at risk if she were drinking. My daughter didn't even like her at times. She had let her down so many times already that the little girl didn't expect her to show up anymore. I couldn't have that. She deserved better. Then, the part I regret the most - I rarely accepted her calls bc I prefer text. I blocked her from my phone so I didn't have to see her call. I didn't realize I wouldn't receive texts. I just thought they'd be silenced. And she reached out to me. Told me how truly sick she was and that she stopped drinking; was ready to get help. I missed it. I didn't see it until after she passed. She died at 66; I was 36. I was away for vacation. Her friend said she was really sick and in the hospital. But without insurance she frequently used the ER as a default practice anyway. She exaggerated so much and he always gave into it. So I didn't think anything of it. Then the next evening, I received a call from a nurse advising she was to be moved to ICU bc she was having trouble breathing. At that point, I knew it was serious and tried to get a flight home. I couldn't until the next morning. She died while I was on the plane. Her 'friend' didn't even stay with her. He said he'd see after work. He never got the chance and she died alone. Alone. Without her best friend; without her daughter; without me telling her I forgave her and asked for her forgiveness. I really don't even know what I believe about life and death. All I know is the pain and regret I feel so often for so much. She had cirrhosis of the liver and couldn't stop drinking. Thus, if you think about it, she committed suicide. And many times I feel like I let her. I was so angry with her for not doing the (what I thought were simple) few things to stay alive. She wouldn't. She couldn't. She was too proud and too sick. I know I need to forgive myself and I truly hope she knew how much I love her. But I hate not knowing. I miss her so much. No one understood me like she did. I could have helped her. But I didn't. I didn't know. Maybe I didn't want to know. I feel so much at fault and just don't know where to go from here...
  20. September has been a very difficult month for me this year--and not just because of professional pressures. Traditionally, it's always been a refreshing month of sorts, if not mostly because there's the first real whiff of fall in the air (now that seasons seem to be starting later and later). It's always marked a new school term with all of the excitement that it brings. Hopes of new projects. A time to break out new fall fashions. And yes, the approach of Halloween: meaning more horror to watch on TV. Last year changed that optimism so drastically. It was last September when my mom's decline assumed a frightening pace--right up to her death on October 4, 2014. Not that we ever gave up hope entirely. After all, her CAT scan had shown that she had improved in some places, and deteriorated in others. When my cousin and her husband came to visit us in mid-September, she seemed happy. Yet, it seemed strange to us that her red and white blood cells kept declining so markedly, even though she was still fit for chemo. That she suffered more and more severe stomach pains: not just once a day, but multiple times. That she could not see objects placed straight in front of her. That she could only go down the stairs with extreme difficulty. This was not the mom I had in February or even in May when she could still go up and down with ease, despite her stroke in April. It was on September 21 that she looked so uncomfortable and very cranky. Strange, because she seemed be doing much better the day before, a Saturday. She ate a good deal and I was happy. On Sunday, tempers flew. I threatened Mom if she didn't start eating or stop talking the way she was, I was going to call the visiting nurse. It was meant as both a threat and yet also as a possible life saver. After all, what if mom was about to suffer a stroke or heart failure? Finally, by early evening, I thought it was better to give a call. Up till very recently, I still had (or have?) no idea if I did the right thing. The nurse decided she needed to go and so she went. My mom was furious at me--and also began to suffer severe pains and low oxygen. They put an oxygen mask on her which made her even more uncomfortable and I almost wanted to cry for her. One of the nurses came by to give her morphine. In the meantime, it was discovered that she seemed to have some masses around her lungs. They didn't know if it was the cancer spreading, or if it was pneumonia. The next day, she was better but still seemed quite weak. We were relieved that her roommate appeared to be very friendly. In the next two days, as we had requested, my mom got moved to a single: this was partly so my dad could stay with her as it was clear she wanted one of us to stay with her. Since I was already spending so much time there in the daytime such that I wasn't able to respond to my students, we decided it was best for dad to be with her. The weekend of the 26th and 27th were beautiful, sunny days--sort of the eye of the hurricane. Mom was still somewhat weak, but she was eating more and seeming more alert as she wanted to be wheeled down the hall for her "exercise." Two women from the Taiwanese Association came to visit her (the ones I was complaining about earlier); one brought a roast Chinese-styled chicken from the local Asian grocery. On Sunday, she seemed even better and more alert. She ate with more gusto. We were pleased when the doctor making his rounds confirmed that--adding that her lungs were clearing up and she seemed to be recovering from what they were calling pneumonia. Already, I was mentally preparing a discharge from the hospital the next day: I would make or buy whatever breakfast she wanted--and then we would leave for home where I would make extra certain that she did not get sick again. Mom couldn't quite decide what she wanted; so I told her, "look I usually call you in the mornings anyway. So I'll call and you tell me then." I will never forget our goodbyes that weekend. She was awake both afternoons and managed to say "I love you." On Sunday when one of dad's friends was picking me up, she told me "don't get into trouble." Ever the protective mother. That evening, it seemed as if a cloud had been lifted. I had a chat with the lawn service guy who lived across from us. I then called mom to tell about a fly that had gotten into a water bottle which I had sealed immediately. Even after 3 days, it was alive and kicking in that water. Mom, certainly you can thrive right? But she was drifting off. Dad told me she had only eaten some of the food. As I got up next morning to call mom--the morning of the 29th, I received a shock. It was not mom or dad who picked up the phone, but a doctor. And strangely, a doctor with the same surname as my dad's personal physician. (Turned out to be his niece.) I was told mom had suffered a stroke. It would have been her second that year. When I arrived, she (and my dad) had already been wheeled to the ICU. Her room was a wonderful one, all clean and modern, overlooking the hills: it was her best one so far and it was too bad she could not enjoy it. I went and asked what meds she had been given to see if it was any different from what she'd gotten that week--before blowing up at my dad who told me he had also given her aspirin because she'd requested it. WHAT, YOU IDIOT, YOU GAVE HER MORE PAINKILLERS AFTER SHE'D ALREADY GOTTEN A HUGE DOSE?! (Later that night, my pharmacist cousin told me she thought those meds she got over the week were somewhat heavy for someone her age.) There was one only hope left at 12pm: that she would wake up like she did after first stroke. It had taken about 4-5 hours before she had gained consciousness the first time. Maybe this could happen again? The hours went by. 1 pm, 2 pm, 3 pm, 4 pm....and the day becoming increasingly overcast whereas it had been somewhat bright and hazy that morning. It was becoming evident that the hoped-for miracle would not recur. But my dad did tell me something interesting. Late Sunday night or the wee hours of the morning, she had called out for me. Then she proceeded to call her mother and all her siblings from oldest to youngest, not missing a single one. We wonder if she knew the end was coming. (More to come this week...I have so much to do but I feel I need to chronicle her passing. )
  21. My mom passed away 12.12.14. I'm still pissed off, I'm still hurt, I'm still sad. I don't cry like I used to but I do cry. Currently I'm just trying to pick up the pieces. I miss her so very much. Since she passed, I just can't get on track. My life has changed in so many ways, I don't think I'll ever be the same. I do know time is a great healer, I know these things take time. I just had a birthday and I couldn't get into it, nothing seems right. The loss of a mother is so profound, it's true what they say "You only have one mother." I pray all the time now, I ask G-d for strength because I need it. My mother was everything to me, most days I just wished she was around. I just need her advice, her perspective and most importantly her love.
  22. My mother died a year ago today. I am whittled in grief and guilt nearly every day for not being there to help take care of her or say goodbye. Someone once described out relationship as tumultuous. Often times we reversed roles where I played the parent and she the child. I feel like our relationship was more of a sisterly kind. We were very much alike and fought like siblings. I always expected her and wanted her to be the bigger person - the parent. And that's why I didn't budge in our last (what came to be the very last) quarrel. I felt like she was the parent and therefore was tasked with being the bigger person. She didn't even acknowledge my birthday. What kind of a mother does that? A very sick one. She was so proud for so long and wouldn't accept help. Thought she was too good for rehab. Couldn't find a place for the animals while gone. I didn't answer her calls. I unfriended her on FB so she couldn't see my daughter. I felt like she proved time and time again that she wasn't worthy. I didn't want to put my daughter's life at risk if she were drinking. My daughter didn't even like her at times. She had let her down so many times already that the little girl didn't expect her to show up anymore. I couldn't have that. She deserved better. Then, the part I regret the most - I rarely accepted her calls bc I prefer text. I blocked her from my phone so I didn't have to see her call. I didn't realize I wouldn't receive texts. I just thought they'd be silenced. And she reached out to me. Told me how truly sick she was and that she stopped drinking; was ready to get help. I missed it. I didn't see it until after she passed. She died at 66; I was 36. I was away for vacation. Her friend said she was really sick and in the hospital. But without insurance she frequently used the ER as a default practice anyway. She exaggerated so much and he always gave into it. So I didn't think anything of it. Then the next evening, I received a call from a nurse advising she was to be moved to ICU bc she was having trouble breathing. At that point, I knew it was serious and tried to get a flight home. I couldn't until the next morning. She died while I was on the plane. Her 'friend' didn't even stay with her. He said he'd see after work. He never got the chance and she died alone. Alone. Without her best friend; without her daughter; without me telling her I forgave her and asked for her forgiveness. I really don't even know what I believe about life and death. All I know is the pain and regret I feel so often for so much. She had cirrhosis of the liver and couldn't stop drinking. Thus, if you think about it, she committed suicide. And many times I feel like I let her. I was so angry with her for not doing the (what I thought were simple) few things to stay alive. She wouldn't. She couldn't. She was too proud and too sick. I know I need to forgive myself and I truly hope she knew how much I love her. But I hate not knowing. I miss her so much. No one understood me like she did. I could have helped her. But I didn't. I didn't know. Maybe I didn't want to know. I feel so much at fault and just don't know where to go from here...
  23. My mom passed away last week sunday at around 08.30pm. She was sick for about three weeks, being an hardworking person, she used to be sick but always always pulled through. I saw her 8 days before she died and she was quite alright and I was even relieved that she'll be okay this time too. I still don't believe she's dead and this scares me, when I finally believe. What will I do? Although she was buried on Thursday 25th February. That too was the worst day of my life, going to pay for the casket and identifying my mother's body at the Morgue. She was 49. I am 22. I'm her first child, we are three. I have 2 younger brothers. 20 and 17 year olds. I'm in my third year in the university studying Psychology. Her biggest dream was to see me graduate and she said that to me over and over and over again. I was doing this for her. I'm confused and tired and afraid and scared. I feel sorry for my dad too. It hits him hard but he has to be strong for us which will make it harder for him. Dealing with his grieving process privately. Life is unfair. My mother do not deserve death, she deserved to see her grandchildren. She deserved to see me succeed. My life has been miserable, I thought joining a support group would help and I hope it does. It's hard. Words can't explain. It's really hard. Nobody will understand. I will miss her forever. Her 7am calls asking if I slept well, her calls at night. This was my biggest fear, losing my mother, I won't wish that on my worst enemy. It's bad. It's hard. It's difficult. It feels like death. But I know I will pull through. I will. I will. I have to. No girlfriend either, to talk to. I'm vulnerable at the moment, and I don't want to be dated out of pity, so most times I'm on my own. Friends come around but I still feel alone. Thanks for reading. Love, Dayo.
  24. This is long, and to the one most dearest to my heart ever. I lost my mom. To say that I lost just that, is the biggest understatement. She's been my best friend, the one who's always been there for me and always loved me, and I the same for her. I care about her more than anything in the world. I'd been her caretaker since she was diagnosed with cancer at the beginning of the year, and had always just been with her before that (we'd pretty much always been best friends and I know her the best, and she knows me). She always knew how much I loved her and I told her, but after the diagnosis I would tell her at least 10 times a day how much I love her, would give her kisses constantly, hug her and lay with her and hold her hand, and rub her back all the time. She knew how much I loved her and commented on how much I did, I know it made her feel so good inside. I researched good foods for her to eat, the correct vitamins that long term survivors were taking, researched all the clinical trials we could put her on. I was on top of everything. She also got so much love and support from friends and other family members, she was happily blown away by how many people cared about her. I told her "of course, who wouldn't love you?" That always made her smile. My sister came to help and actually did a lot for a while, but ended up not being around as much after time had passed, so everything was back on me. Talking to doctors, researching (which I didn't know anything about before and had to learn quick so I could help my mom, she was counting on me and I would never let her down. I would do anything for her). I know my father loves my mom, but he would watch tv all day, but he even did that before she got sick. He would go out and do chores and buy groceries, I guess that's the most he could do. He would get her food or things she needed if she was cold or needed medication, but for the most part it was all on me to take care of everything, even him, though he is relativity healthy. They're both in their early 70's and had been together since their teens, and my mom was seemingly very healthy before all this happened. She still had been working, while he had been retired for a good while with no problems. She never looked her age, she was always so beautiful and youthful looking, no one would ever guess she was in her 70's. Watching my loving mother, really the rock of my life that always had been there for me, seeing her health decline and body change was so hard. To know this is the person I love without a doubt more than anyone in the world and to know I'm doing all I can for her and not sure if it was going to help, killed me everyday. I never wanted her to be afraid, and we were doing everything we could for her and researching any and all the options out there. She was going to be the exception. We stayed extremely positive and so did she, she was going to fight and I told her I would be there every step of the way and as long as she didn't give up I would never give up on her. I told her to give me all her burden and I would take it on my shoulders. I really did think my love would somehow help heal her, as we worked on other things like chemo and nutrition, meditation, praying, and positive thinking. This really seemed to work and she got better for a couple months, then the chemo stopped working. She very much loved and believed in God. I thought it was just a matter of time before we got her on another modality that was going to help her. Seeing her in the hospital was unbearable at the end (though I didn't know that was happening at the time). I spent all my time with her as I always did whenever she was in the hospital, just coming home to shower and recharge so I could go back and be with her. I would hold her hand constantly and just try to keep her mood up, hug her and tell her how much I love her and just talk about normal things. She only went in to the hospital for something minor that was due to the cancer and we all thought she would be out in a couple days, which turned into almost 2 weeks. She got better, then things happened and seemed to go wrong and a major blood vessel problem changed everything. She told me she loved me and I did to her, and had such love in my eyes when I looked at her because I didn't want her to be scared in any way. I knew things didn't look good. The last 2 days were more than horrendous. She was no longer responsive and I knew I was losing my fight to help my mom heal and get better. I promised her I would, it was my job to take care of her and I could feel everything moving so fast and I couldn't help her. There was family drama going on during all of this (and after), which makes it even harder. Watching her go was the worst thing I've ever experienced, to hear the breaths get shorter and I knew what was coming. I held her and told her I lover her over and over, played her favorite music, and sang our favorite songs into her hear. I never thought this would happen. One day, maybe very far in the future but not now. Not her. Not my mom. She was such a good person, but cancer doesn't care what kind of person you are. Neither do some doctors who's bedside manner made me want to punch them as hard as humanly possible in the face. It's only been a couple of weeks. I can't stop thinking about the last days and how she looked and all the images and occurrences with family that I have in my mind. Even how she would ask me months before if she was dying, and I would tell her no we're doing all we can for you, we're gonna get you better. That's exactly what we were working so hard on. It was so heartbreaking to hear her ask me that. I knew very clearly that it was my purpose to be there to help her. She told me I was the one who made her feel so much better, so calm, and that everything was going to be alright. That made me feel so happy, that I was helping her in some very real way. She loved me so much, as I love her so much. I thought it was my life's mission to get her better. I feel I failed. Those images, being with her as she went (though I was proud to do, and proud to do everything I did for her and would do it all the same in a heartbeat). I know she didn't feel alone in her fight, my dad and sister made her feel supported as well, just not as consistent as our relationship did. I would calm her when she did get scared, and tell her we're gonna do the best we can to get you better. I never wanted her to feel alone. I don't think she did very often, I was with her just about 24/7, physically and emotionally. People say that at least she's not in pain now, and I definitely never wanted her to be in any pain. I could never have even in my worst dreams imagined this, truly, maybe other family members but I never even considered this would happen to her, not my Mom. I empathize so much with people that it hurts me really bad to see someone I love suffer. I'm sure a lot of people feel that way. I can't seem to help it but I keep seeing those last day horrible images in my head. It comes to me when I wake, during the day and at night. I can't stop crying. I cry intensely, everyday. I know it's all had a very traumatic effect on me, I'm sensitive by nature in the first place. I try not to think about those moments when I knew she probably was scared because they hurt me the most. When scary stuff was happening, and I was the only one there to help, until the nurses came, scared the hell out of me but I knew I had to be brave for her and take care of things, just like I knew she would absolutely do for me. Then later to see her body change and her becoming non-responsive, and sweating profusely. Then seeing her get strong medication so she wasn't in pain as the doctors said, but I knew she was to a certain degree because she was losing her battle and she did not want to lose it in any way, she was such a fighter. I know she fought to stay with me, I wanted her to as well, and also for herself. The family I have now without her is extremely unsupportive emotionally. We barely talk, though my sister takes care of my dad and pays him much attention. We had trouble in the past but she is still cruel to me, even after everything that has happened. She has returned home which is far away, but still is very domineering and bossy. My brother is very unconcerned and seems to not really care at all, he has his own family on the east coast and is seems to be very settled in it. It makes me so sad because I know my Momma cares about him so much and my family treated him like "the golden child", now that tragedy struck he is so emotionally detached, and just seems to care less. He is happy and has developed a very separate life that doesn't include our nuclear family, other than on the surface. My remaining family is very cold emotionally, and generally towards me, and not involved in my life. My mom was the exception. There was true love and caring(and still is) between her and I, and I know that will never be replaced. That hurts inside so bad. I don't have a spouse, so I'm now all alone trying to deal with all these emotions that I'm having such a hard time trying to process. As time is passing it's getting harder, as it's all sinking in. I think the burden would be easier if I had some compassionate people in my life, people who care to talk to and spend time with. Whenever I talk about how I feel in the least bit I get the uncomfortable feeling from others that I should just keep a stoic appearance and not make them uncomfortable. That is so, so, isolating. I also get the message that what I have done has been forgotten, and now I have to "take care of my Dad". Like I didn't give my blood and everything I had and tried to take care of my dearest Momma, and also my father at the time (who is capable of taking care of himself) and try to feed myself and get some rest in the meantime- all forgotten, like it never existed, never happened. The trauma of witnessing all that I saw to the one most special and dear to my heart, gives me this daily horrible pain in my chest that I wake up with, like someone's ripping my heart to pieces and I can't breathe. I have horrible nightmares all the time, and go from not sleeping at all, to sleeping 16 hours. I have dreams that I have cancer, that spiders are coming out of people's mouth's and last night that a spider laid a web around most of my body and as I tried to peel it off, it was like a flesh eating virus and my lower layer of epidermis was exposed, looking something like raw prosciutto ham, even on my private parts. Very disturbing. Nothing at all interests me, even things I did enjoy. I'm so lost, I have no idea what to do with myself or where even I want to be in the future. I can't think of anything. I can't even think of a single thing I want or really want to do in general. Nothing has any meaning anymore. I don't even know what I want to do career wise, as I quit my job to be with my Momma and take care of her, and been running off of savings I've built up. I don't even care about that as work in this current condition doesn't seem like it will be happening very soon. I'm having a hard enough time trying to keep myself together right now. Nothing seems to be going the right way or making sense. I feel like I'm in some parallel universe where everything I would never want to have happen, has. If I go out in public alone I feel so dead inside, I don't relate to anyone and everyone feels so "far" away, like they're not even real. Sometimes it's nice though just to get out and talk to a stranger, because the people I do have as remaining family that are supposed to be there for me are non existent, or just don't want to help. I think they see me as some kind of emotional problem they don't want to deal with. "If you just ignore it, it'll go away", is how my family has worked, and to some degree some of my friends also. I do have a couple friends who are very supportive, but they have their own lives which are very busy, but do manage to make some time for me. That really helps when that happens. I've had counseling in the past for depression, which had been mildly effective at best. I still try. It seems to be difficult to find someone who is skilled enough to actually really help. The people who do try to help say things like "she's in a beautiful place", and "you've got such a great future the sky's the limit!". Really? It's only been a COUPLE of weeks, are you really saying that right now?? I know people mean the best and are trying, but really that is way too soon. If they understood how I've been feeling, they wouldn't say that. Actually some do know, and still say those things. I put all my effort and time into helping my mom, and because I only wanted to see her get better. She did too. Now I don't know what to do. I feel like I've been left in this horrible place without my one true north, my rock, my best friend. A mother can never be replaced. She was the one I'd go to to tell her about my day, and she would to me. We'd both make each other feel better when the other was down, and were each other's personal cheering section. I have a hard time getting close to people and making bonds that seem to last, I'm not exactly sure why that is because I try to be the best friend I can be. My mom was always there and I feel like maybe I took that for granted in thinking she'd always would be. I've done a lot of things in life but I knew she was always there for me and just a phone call away. No matter how far I travelled, I could always call her and tell her what was going on in my life and share feelings and emotions with her, as she would. That's what moms do, they love you unconditionally, pick you up when you're down, and make you feel safe and loved. I know time is supposed to help but I don't know how I'm going to get through all of this. With all the circumstances I'm going through, it's making it even harder. Though I hate to say this in regards to the fact of having anyone suffer, it is comforting to know there are people out there going through similar pain and experiences that I am. No one I know in real life has gone through something like this. It makes it harder to relate to someone who doesn't understand the pain you're experiencing so intensely. There's such a big hole. It hurts so bad. If you've never been that close to somebody, you have no idea how it feels. I try to block my mind from thinking anything, and that has been working temporarily, but I know it's going to catch up to me. I just want to hear her voice, and talk to her. I would be telling her all these things and talking to her, now I have nobody. I try to fake it and make like I'm okay, because people don't want to know how you're really doing. The more time passes, the more scared I get for how I'm going to deal with this.
  25. I have a lot of favorite memories of my mom, whom I lost just over a year ago on October 4th. As mom and I have been together for some 52 years, I have a long list of memories...and just thought I would start off by mentioning a few. Sometimes when I get books from Amazon, I think back to a long time ago when I was a tot. Mom was already ordering books for me, most of which were from Dr. Seuss, and I always used to enjoy opening up the boxes and flipping through the pictures. (Even at 52, with multiple degrees, I still like to flip through a book for pictures, LOL: I just did this with a book on the economics of war!) It was even better when Mom read them aloud to me. I remember all of those wonderful visits to downtown Bronx--going to the local department store, which then was Alexander's: even if I got bored looking at Mom's clothes and shoes. We'd either have lunch at Woolworth's or later on, when I was in 2nd and 3rd grade, the local pizzeria. The latter was a real treat on half-days, particularly Fridays; it was such a delight having mom pick me up at school at noon before walking over to have pizza or Kentucky Fried Chicken enroute to the library, where I'd find new books, before heading downtown. Sometimes, we'd head to the zoo (yes, the famous Bronx Zoo!) or the botanic garden. How I remember the elephant rides and what passed for a petting zoo. But there was nothing like the thrill of heading down to Manhattan on the subway, especially on bright, sunny days...what fun it was to go to the Guggenheim and natural history museums....and yes, more shopping. How I remember the Macy's (still there) and Chock Full of Nuts. I think what made all of these outings so special was being able to bond with mom. I'll always remember the times when she held me as I got too tired; this is when I was about 3-4. And when I was older, it meant mom would talk with me there and back. (She was usually too busy when we were at home.) Need to get back to work....but I hope others join in with their favorite memories. It doesn't have to be a childhood memory; it can be as recent as the week before she/he passed.