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Found 33 results

  1. The healthcare system has failed my mom. In 2013 she was found to have a lymphnode in her neck that had metastasized from an unknown site. Her pathology was sent all over the US where they eventually labeled her as having lymphoma. This was a misdiagnosis. They treated her with surgery, chemo, and radaiation. A year and a half later she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She underwent a lumpectomy and radiation. She has trouble swallowing and went to several doctors who told her it was from the first radiation causing scar tissue. She also noticed one of her nostrils was closing up and she had difficulty breathing through it, again this was dismissed. She went to ER due to a severe headache and vomiting where she was found to have a brain tumor. She underwent a craniotomy where the pathology was the same as the first cancer, a metastasis of an unknown origin. Further work up revealed esophageal cancer, no wonder she couldn't swallow. It had spread to her colon, lungs, liver, spleen, bones, and nose (the reason she was having difficulty breathing)She has undergone radiation to the nose, esophagus, and brain and currently going through chemo where her cancer is continuing to grow. During this time the insurance continually denied her treatments and follow up appointments, doctors were waiting far too long between scans and visits, and no one has told her how bad her prognosis is/life expectancy. She was in good health and lived a healthy life style, only 64, Active, vegan, exercised, applied sun screen daily, didn't smoke, didn't drink. I estimate she only has a couple months left and I'm having a hard time coping. How will I get through this? She will never see me get married or have children. I don't have religion to fall back on. Seeing my dad so upset over this is also termultuous. He has seen her everyday for the last 48 years. He is clearly not in good health either and I think he will pass shortly after she does. I will have no parents. I feel useless. I feel like the healthcare system failed us. How do people get through this? I'm so upset my heart literally hurts. How did this happen.
  2. Hello. I have lost my mother last November. It still feels like the day I lost her. Even worse, if it's possible. I constantly think about the little things she asked me to do and I put off. Mean things I've said to her that could have upset her. All the things I didn't do for her. She was the most loving, selfless person I know and in the end she did not receive the love she deserved in time. Her death was sudden. She wasn't even that sick. She was supposed to get her gall stone removed and return to her normal life in a week. Now I mourn every day, every minute for her future that was robbed. I don't think I can live with myself.
  3. My mom died last September and my grief gets easier some weeks and harder other weeks. This is a hard week. I am an only child and was raised by my mother. It was just the two of us my whole childhood. She moved 4 years ago to live close to me and my husband and kids, and I am so glad that she did. We spent lots of time with her over the past 4 years. I was able to spend everyday with her during the 7 weeks between an unsuccessful surgery and her last breaths. It was just the two of us when she died in my arms......just as it had been during my childhood. I cannot believe that I will never see her again, that she will never give me that adoring look that she used to give me, that she won't see my boys grow up past their teenage years. I feel like I am changed forever. I witnessed the end of her life. I feel like my insides have shifted and that there is a huge hole in me that that can never be filled. The loss is profound and gut-wrenching. I wear her ring. It is a ring that she wore everyday for 60 years. I want to wear the ring and it makes me feel closer to her, but it is also hard because it is a constant reminder that she is no longer here. I suppose all these feelings are normal, but they sure aren't easy. I have a wonderful family, but I feel so alone in my sadness. Mom, I miss you. Love you forever.
  4. Hi everyone, I am new here. I am so happy to have found this website. I am 30 years old and my Mom passed away just over a month ago. She was 58 years old and passed away from Lung cancer. She started having pains in her back which we thought maybe she just pulled a muscle in her back, but 3 months later, she was gone. My Mom was my everything, we were best friends. I miss her so much, sometimes I just don't know how I can carry on for so many years without her. All of my friends have their parents so I feel very alone. I'm not married yet, however it's close, and my Mom and I talked about my wedding all the time. I am not sure how I will ever be able to get married without it being the saddest day of my life! Anyways, that's briefly my story.... I am looking forward to chatting with you all.
  5. Hi all I'm not sure how this works it's my first time on any forum. But I feel the need to talk to someone. Here goes... I spent the majority of my life hating my grandmother, hate is s strong word but I disliked her, a lot. When I was little I thought she was mean and too serious, never got presents from her or anything, which isn't important but as a child it stood out to me. I don't recall her ever hugging me, kissing me, or even telling me she loved me. As I got older I learned more about her, she was mean to my mom as well, it was obvious she had favorite children and grandchildren, my mother and I were on neither list. I discovered my mom crying countless times over something my grandmother had said or done to her. My step grandfather after years of being together left my grandmother, and I remember thinking she deserved it, I felt bad but she was mean to him as well and he did everything for her he was like a slave. The older I got the more I resented her, for treating my mom like crap and for never being a grandmother to me but I grew to a point where I didn't "need" her. Over the years my grandmothers health deterrioated but because she let herself go, she became very dependent of my uncle whom she lived with and did nothing by herself, not because she wasnt capable but because she wanted to be waited on hand and foot. It's just who she was. She was only 75 and she began doing her business on herself and requesting to be bathed in bed, keep in mind she was not sick and was in decent shape. Anytime I saw her I avoided her, I have an old fashion family and I would never disrespect her so I would avoid her and not talk to her and pretend she didn't exist. I also always said that when she passed I wouldn't cry that I would be sad for my mother but I wouldn't care. Yet here we are, on Monday she passed away at 75 years old. She was recently in and out of the hospital due to her lungs filling up with water from laying in bed too much, it's what I was told. Her last visit she was kept longer and they told her her kidneys were failing her and she only had 3 days to live. When I got the news I froze, I immediately felt numb, I thought "omg my grandmother is going to die and I'm not sure how I feel" but I did, I felt sad, panicked, and plain awful. I immediately went to the hospital to be with my mother in this hard time, but when I saw my grandmother laying there looking so different and out of it, I broke down and cried. It hurt, it hurt a lot and I was so caught off guard by my feelings. The next day she passed and we all went there to say goodbye, there are lot of us. She had 7 children and 18 grandchildren. They all sat around her lifeless body talking about things she would say to them and stories etc and I sat there with tears in my eyes just staring at her thinking "why didn't you love me?" I have no stories about her, no memories and believe it or not one photo with her at all. She's gone now and I'm left with nothing. Everyone tries to comfort me with the fact that she was rough and stubborn and "it's just how she was" but I see that she had at least somewhat of a relationship with my other cousins and I'm hurt. I spent my whole life resenting her and avoiding her because it was the easy thing to do, but now she's gone and I'm left here feeling like crap for the things I thought and ever said about her. I think maybe if I tried harder with her even though I do know she was a mean person, but I'm plagued with all the "what ifs". I even got in an argument with one of my younger cousins because tensions are so high and we're all on edge but now I feel even more disconnected from the family. I feel hated and I feel like I have no right to mourn her. I simply don't know what to do with all these constant shifting feelings. I'm depressed and it all feels surreal.
  6. I am 35 years old and an only child. My parents have been divorced since I was 5. Back in September 2015 (six months ago), my father lost his battle with colon cancer. We did not know how sick he was, I only got the news that he was terminal about 10 days before his death. His decline was rapid and he suffered terribly. I was there to administer his care, sat with him. He asked me if I would be okay and I told him I would. He chose a moment when I left his hospital room to let go. I have been struggling with his loss ever since, been seeing a therapist. I can't stop thinking about how he was so weak and in so much pain. I'll never forget it. So, that was six months ago. Two days ago, on March 30, I received a late night phone call from my stepfather letting me know my mom had passed away. She collapsed while sweeping the back porch from a ruptured brain aneurysm. She was 64 and perfectly healthy. I have airline tickets booked to go see her in a week. I spoke to her earlier that day and she was fine. I am so beside myself. I started feeling disconnected... laying on the couch, I felt like this was happening to someone else and I was watching. My heart is palpitating. I can't take a deep breath, I can't eat, I can't sleep. I moved up my flight and I'll be attending my mom's funeral on Tuesday. Just six months and one week from my dad's. i guess there's no point to this post... I just feel so alone in this. I need help from people who know..
  7. Hi I am Jess. This is my first time on here not really sure how to start. I guess I'll start in the beginning....Back in March "15 my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer in her L5 vertebrae. This isn't the first time she had this battle. She had breast cancer in 1990 and 2000. Both times she had the breast removed and did chemo and was able to go back to her life. But this time is different since it's inside her vertebrae they couldn't take it out so she did a massive dose of radiation and was doing chemo. But unfortunately this time round the chemo was making her so much sicker then in the past. She could barely get out of bed and in the span of May 2015 to September 2015 she went from a weight of 220lbs to 120lbs because she couldn't keep anything down. Also the chemo was wiping out her red blood cells and her body wasn't replenishing them fast enough so she would have to get shots to help and would miss treatments until her count was up. So in October 2015 she made the choice of quality over quantity and went on hospice. Its been a lil over a year since she went on hospice. She was doing pretty well for awhile. But over the last few months we have all noticed her slowly declining. Spending more time and bed and the more she does the longer it takes for her to recover. And the amount of pain meds she is on is unbelievablely high and it's slowly taking the mom I know away. Her short term memory is gone and she will nod off in the middle of conversation and walk like she had to much to drink. But she pushes herself so hard to keep doing everything like there is nothing wrong. I work in the medical field and every time I tell one of my nurse friends the dose of mophine she is on they are like "how is she still standing". But that's my mom she is one of the toughest people I know. My middle sister is having a really hard time with dealing with it. The not knowing when mom will pass is killing her. My oldest holds it in and every now then will have a break down. My Dad i think might have a nervous breakdown before it's all over. And as for me I don't know really I have my good day and bad days. I try to let my sisters and Dad vent to me so they have someone to talk to. I have really good friends that I've talk to but I feel like such a downer whenever I bring it up. See I am at the age where all my friends are getting Married and having babies and I feel bad when I bring up my mom and they have all this happiness going on. And all this has been going for a year and a half and I feel like they are tired of hearing about it. So I don't talk about it as much. And I try to be strong for my family but there a nights I cry myself to sleep. For fear of my mom being gone and for hoping she goes before she becomes bed ridden and feeling horrible and guilty for thinking that! And know that most likely if I ever get married she won't be there to help me pick out my dress or meet any children I might have. Or wondering if my birthday this year is the last one she will be here to call me and sing me happy birthday... sorry now I am just rambling...I guess I just need to get it out there with out feeling like a burden or a downer. Thanks for letting me share.
  8. August 27, 2016, my mother passed away unexpectedly at 58 years old. I'm only 23 years old. I've been having suicidal thoughts for the past hour because the pain I feel from missing her is too immense to bear. I want to throw up, because I miss her so badly.
  9. I don't even know how to start but by actually telling how I feel. I lost my mom, best friend, only parent, my world 3 years ago to brain cancer. It was very aggressive and she only had it for 2 months before becoming stage 4. 4-6 months she had left the doctors told her but she said nope don't you put a timeline on me-she fought so aggressively back at that cancer and lasted 9 months. She never gave up or let it keep her down. Christmas Day everything changed she turned in a whole another person that was not her typical self. Me and my little sister took care of her every single day until she passed. she was my whole world she raised me by herself my dad never really wanted me so it was just me and her and my little sister. She just turned 21 last year but I was her legal guardian up until then. Even though it's been 3 years since she has passed away I'm still having a really hard time accepting her death some days I still find myself in shock that she's never coming back. I really don't talk about it too much bc I don't really have anyone to understand or even Listen. I just miss her and think about her every single day and nothing in my life has been the same since she's been gone. I don't know how this whole group thing works I guess I'm just looking for people to talk to who are feeling the same as me. I just want to know if this is normal to keep grieving this long? Any advice anyone has I'm so open to it. My mom was the most beautiful caring compassionate funny smart strongest woman I've ever known. I just miss her and love her so much. How do I cope?
  10. Some days are definitely harder than others without you Mama!.. We (meaning A LOT of people) lost Terri Therese Sheridan on November 23, 2014 to glioblastoma brain cancer after the fight if a life time that last lasted a very long year and a half; which was a roller coaster with highs and lows, sharp and steady turns. I think the strangest moment for me was about a month and a half before Mommy passed I was told I had a lump in my breast and due to her dementia, phone calls were not a coherent conversation ability she held any longer. It was the first time I was never going to be able to call her again to tell her something bad had happened, that I was scared, worried, needed her support. Luckily the diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound a couple weeks later showed no tumor! Again, I wanted to call Mama but realized I couldn't ever again; besides that who wants to tell they're dying mother that they found a lump in the breast just so she can have a heart attack or go completely insane but she was well on her way on her own to that. But, thanks to the supposed hospice care at a 24 hour facility who would thank me not to mention them - she was completely drugged up into a sleep coma the last three weeks of her life anyways. Thanks Medicare! So here I am today, probably several bottles of whiskey, wine, prescription pain killers, six-packs, cigarette packs, jobs later with a depression that just seems to kick in whenever it feels like. Good news is I have attended one AA meeting recently, cut way back on the drinking with more to do there, recovered from the two motorcycle accidents I needed meds for, and quit smoking thanks to a zero mg tobacco vaporizer. Everything just seems so damn harder and sometimes overwhelming without you here. Today was one of those days I usually give myself permission to have about once a month. One of those days where I make an obnoxiously large quantity of popcorn and sit alone at home all day in my living room watching movies. I don't think this is good for me because the high lasts until the credits come and I'm back to a reality check that I didn't accomplish much today and it's directly related to being overwhelmed, depressed, exhausted, feeling alone, worthless, old, fat, ugly... Basically a bunch of crap in my head that Mama would shake out me. One thing I do that helps me not repeat days like today is GRATITUDE first thing when I wake up in the morning I must list to myself somehow all the simple wonderful people, places, things, dreams, etc. I am grateful for. Also, I really need to remember what my Mama would say to me if she was here and knew how I'm feeling. You know what that INCREDIBLE Lady would say? Get over it! Life is WONDERFUL! So I will try to remember that next time the dark cloud appears. But for now, she prayed for a 'bu' for me And he has been here with me since I moved back home from Hawaii to be with her three months before she passed. J has been my rock and lost his Dad to suicide 10 years ago. We will be together two years in September 2016 and the anniversary of my Mom becoming an Angel is two years November 23, 2016. I thank Creator every day for the love he has shared with me. I'm also very grateful that at 41 unable to get pregnant, that he has a beautiful six year old daughter who has been my best friend from the moment we met, I still have my Dad at 74 years old I have to accept that he won't be here forever but for now he's two miles away and I get to see him much more often than the 12 years I spent over 3,000 miles of open ocean, a busy brother, a difficult relationship with my sister - but at least we try, and many more wonderful friends and family. I have learned the hard way living in paradise (California ain't to shabby either) People are more important than places! God Bless all of you in your loss and grief... This is my first time here, but surely not my last. Thank you for giving me a place to get through this day and the next. I LOVE YOU ALWAYS & FOREVER Mama!!!
  11. Hi everyone, This is my first time posting here or really talking to anyone who might understand what I'm going through.... But here is a quick back story: I'm a 20 year old girl, with a 22 year old brother (who moved out almost a year ago), a dad, and my grandparents. (We all live in a house together aside from my brother). I lost my mom 2 years ago to cancer. At her funeral, instead of being there for me, most of my extended family pretty much drilled it into me that I have to be there for my dad and grandparents and I have to take care of them and take my moms place and be everyones rock. I'm almost certain my dad isn't aware of people saying this to me. My dad and I have always had a rocky relationship, poor communication and he is very hard headed and tough to talk to. Anyway, I'm having a fear of being stuck here and not being able to live my life. And I'm not sure if that makes me selfish. I want to go out and explore the world and travel and maybe move to another state or at least go for an extended time and figure myself out. I am so lost in life and need time to figure out what I want. And I can't seem to do that here. I just want to go. But I'm so scared of leaving my dad. I'm scared if I leave he's just going to be alone and I'd hurt him and I don't want to do that. As rough as our relationship is, I love my dad. But I don't want to continue being unhappy here. I'm so scared I'm going to be stuck here doing the same thing, day in and day out and not knowing what I want in life if I don't leave. But I just don't want to hurt him. I have no idea what to do..... Is there anyone who has gone through something similar or is feeling the same way or just has any advice in general? None of my friends understand because they have both parents, who would have each other if they left.
  12. Anyone else see rainbows and butterflies and feel like it's a sign from your loved one? It's only been less than a week since my Mom's passing and I feel like she's already sending me signs that she's okay and watching over us. I rarely see rainbows and now I've seen two in two days. I also see butterflies fluttering around out front of the house. I am having such a hard time dealing with this tragedy and I feel like these signs are offering me some peace. I really miss my mom so much. Keep thinking she will be sitting outside waiting for me to come home. We watched movies together almost every night. I still think about calling her by habit and the thought of her never answering just tears at my heart. I sleep with her favorite sweater. I will never be able to let go. I feel like crying constantly and I still can't eat much. My family and boyfriend are a great support system which I am lucky to have... but still would like to talk to others and make friends here that know how I am feeling and what I am going through.
  13. I lost my mom in July of 2014 to ALS or Lou Gerig's disease. During the 4 years of her being sick, we did not know exactly what she had. My dad took her to numerous Drs. all over the states and diagnosis seemed to be inconsistent. She was treated for all sorts of things, including Lymes Disease. She was not the typical case for ALS because she did not match the usual signs and some skills she had wouldn't necessarily be present in someone who did have ALS. Therefore, she was labeled as having an auto immune disease.. and they all seem to blend into each other. I'm 1 of 3 siblings. 2 brothers, and older (26) and younger (22) with me the only girl in the middle (25). As you can assume, being the only girl definitely placed a lot of responsibility and pressure on me to pick up the house duties my mom took care of. I think it made me for a better person & I would do it all over again if needed. My dad is a true superman..I do not know how he manages to get by as he does but I guess he doesn't have a choice. He suffers day in and out with her loss. We all do, in our own different ways. I definitely talk about my mom on the regular. I had her for 23 years of my life and that I am blessed for. She truly was my best friend, we talked about everything, we did everything together. We truly had a wonderful relationship. She was only 53 when she passed. It definitely haunts me that I'll never see her in old age, or that I am older now and can't go to the bar with her or just talk about adult things going on in life. It hurts that I just got married last November 2015 and she was absent for one of the biggest milestones in my life, and yet another one now that I am pregnant with my first child. My first child which is a girl (my heart feels like it can heal some through this). My mom never had an opportunity to become a grandmom, my children will miss out on the wonderful person I had raise me and I will suffer raising a child without her help and guidance. My now husband, at the time boyfriend, came into the picture when my mom first began losing her motor skills and needed assistance walking so he never truly saw the brilliant, loving, and beautiful person she was under the sickness. I know that hurts him. He is very understanding with my feelings towards anything mom related--as much as someone who has never experienced that type of loss could be. His family never had an opportunity to meet my mother as my dad felt the timing was never right & he didn't feel as though my mom wanted people seeing her that way. Yes, we thought the treatments were going to work. We thought we would be able to restore her back to health. That's the worst part about sickness, you truly believe that you will be able to help them get better. You never really see what is happening and how bad a situation is when you are so closely involved. She was diminishing little by little yet so fast at the same time. So a few days ago, the dreaded Mother's Day passed. This was our 2nd year with her gone. The weeks leading up to any holiday always feel worse. It's the reminders that float all around from the supermarket isles filled with cards, to emails for purchasing that perfect present, to friends discussing what their plans are. All reminders of something that I no longer have yet desire for so badly. Last year, dad, my brothers, and I took a trip to the beach to escape for the day. We didn't have contact with anyone, we didn't purchase cards.. that is how we choose to deal.. and similarly this year as well. Sure my dad talks to his mom but that is literally it. That day, we grieve how we want. I do not buy cards for the women in my family or gifts, or make phone calls, including my husbands side-- that is his job, it is too devastating to read those cards. My husband spent the day with his own family. The day passes, and it passes just as any ordinary day does. The next day, I receive a text message from my mother-in-law saying how she is "disappointed that I did not call or text her to wish her a happy mothers day." Left in shock and rage I calmly reply that I am "sorry" she feels that way and that I did not call, send cards, or purchase gifts for any women in my family. That it is simply how I choose to deal with it and how it is not easy for me. Many minutes later she responds that she "knows it is a difficult day for me." What I refrained from saying next was that she CLEARLY does not have a clue of how difficult of a day it is for me nor does she care, otherwise she wouldn't have felt the need to say that to me. I am not ill mannered; I always call and send cards for holidays and occasions, but am I not entitled to feel as I do and acknowledge or NOT acknowledge that day as I wish when I suffer?? I am not asking everyone around me to be miserable, but why couldn't she just respect my feelings and how I handle myself on that ONE day. When my husband brought up the subject she refused to understand my situation and felt as though it was about "respect." But where was her respect towards me? I am suppose to wake up being concerned about wishing her a happy mother's day when I myself am in agony over what I do not have? As a new mother figure in my life you would think she would be sympathetic towards me and how it feels but instead she felt being selfish and worrying about me sending her a text or calling her was more important. Perhaps I will feel different next year when I am a mother myself and sort of have to celebrate the day... but I don't think it was fair for me to feel shamed and embarrassed in feeling how I do and mourning as I choose to. In fact, she lingered on my sadness by needing to say something, and she won't admit she is wrong and apologize. Has anyone dealt with something similar? and what is a good way to handle something like this? -M
  14. Felt the need to share my story here. I got a yesterday morning from one of my sisters that my mom had passed only one day after being placed in hospice. She hid her lung cancer diagnosis really well. She knew wouldn't make it through surgery so she chose to live her last year with us by her side. My mom was one in a billion. She raised eight of us. Everyone ahe met fell in love with her amazing personality. Fierce, fiery, little woman she was. She was married to my dad for 52 years. We are handling it really bad. She only made it through three rounds of chemo and we were given false hope. She smoked since she was extremely young but we only learned she had stage 3b lung cancer days before her passing. The night she was taken out in an ambulance I knew she wouldnt return home. I remember earlier that night its like she also knew she was going to smoke her last cigarette. For at least two months she would take two drags and go back to bed, but that night she somehow made it out to the porch to smoke an entire cigarette. I will never understand the awful addiction. I watched her lose weight rapidly where she was down to only 60 pounds. The woman who had more energy than me in her prime. After I got the call I ran to the hospital so I wouldnt feel guilty about not being there when it happened. I wanted to be alone with her, hold her hand and tell her everything. Out of temporary insanity I took a blade to cut my wrist. I just feel overwhelmed with grief. My Lifelong best friend is now gone. I cant even eat anything. I dont wanna get out of my bed and face these next few days. I am extremely worried about my dad and our future. I have alot of family but no friends. Social anxiety was the reason. So many things running through my head. So unexpected! I want my mom! I can never be happy again without her guidance and support. I need people to talk to. I need friends that understand my heartwrenching pain. How do I go on? I lost the rock to my roll and the heart to my soul!!!
  15. I am a 20 year old college student and an only child. I am not close to anyone in my family other then my mother who I lost at 50 years old 3 days after Christmas 2015 to a heart attack. My mom and I were very close. We had our differences but the love was always real. I am having trouble coping and I'm trying not to be sad all the time, but it only works when I'm keeping busy. The point of this topic is I need advice with this situation: I just moved into a friend's house since school is out of the summer. Most of mine and my mothers belonging are in this house and as I was unpacking I found a bag of old papers for my mom. Some of them were bible study notes- this was not a shock- among them were notes from school. But the date was wrong. My mother was born in 1965. This school notes were dates 1992. Four years before I was born, making my mother 26 years old. Too old for high school and I knew she was not a college graduate. Amongst those notes were papers from out states GED department of a scheduled test in 1992 and her test results of a fail. She never told me she didn't graduate high school. And I never asked. I never saw cap and gown or prom pictures. She never talked about it. Well, she talked about high school, just not graduating it. But some how I always assumed she had. I never saw a diploma. I do know that she attended high school. I don't know if she graduated. But the thing that hurts most is knowing that she never told me. And now I feel pressured to keep the secret because she didn't want anyone to know. Especially not me. And I do. And I wish I didn't.
  16. My mom passed away 12.12.14. I'm still pissed off, I'm still hurt, I'm still sad. I don't cry like I used to but I do cry. Currently I'm just trying to pick up the pieces. I miss her so very much. Since she passed, I just can't get on track. My life has changed in so many ways, I don't think I'll ever be the same. I do know time is a great healer, I know these things take time. I just had a birthday and I couldn't get into it, nothing seems right. The loss of a mother is so profound, it's true what they say "You only have one mother." I pray all the time now, I ask G-d for strength because I need it. My mother was everything to me, most days I just wished she was around. I just need her advice, her perspective and most importantly her love.
  17. Today...just a few minutes ago I get more confirmation this really is my fault. My dad came into the living room at 7am and holding a box of my mums Nifedipine said "It was supposed to be twice a day" and I knew that but had been giving her one because of the water retention but in the last week before I kept forgetting everyday. Which means it really was my fault. I really just want to die, but I am so scared. I don't deserve to be alive. Why can't I rewind time and do it different. Why.
  18. I've never had an issue with anxiety until I lost my mom on Sept 8th 2014, and then my step-dad committed suicide after my mom's death on Nov 21 2014 ( he had been in my life since I was young). I lost my only sibling- when my little sister died in 2011, at age 34. I feel like I can't get a handle on my grief and the panic - which seems to hit me out of no where. My sister left behind my niece, who is now 7 years old. My mom and step-dad were raising her until my mom's cancer made her too sick. My mom died two weeks after diagnosis- she went very quickly. My niece came to live with us (we have 6 children ages 25, 22, 21, 20, 18 and 5 years old). My three oldest are boys, and they are all in the military (which doesn't help with anxiety). My niece has had to deal with these losses as well and I need to be able to not only help her function but I need to find my joy again, and I don't know how. We are in counseling and I am going to start doing GriefShare meetings. The last GriefShare meeting I went to - when I got home is when I found out my step-dad had killed himself. I don't like to take medications- I don't even have a doctor. Everything I do is natural / organic / homeopathic but I'm beginning to wonder if I should get on something temporarily, to help me get over these panic attacks / slump I'm in. I am a Christian and do pray and listen to Christian music- so I'm also clinging to my faith. Not sure if meds will work or what I'm doing wrong ..... I just know I can't keep going on with no sleep and feeling like I'm in 'Flight / Fight' mode all the time. Anyway, just kinda venting / looking for some support.
  19. Hello My name is Jill and I'm 25 years old orphan. My mom died suddenly 2 years ago ,she was the best mom anyone can ask for . she raised us to believe in ourselves and to do what makes us Happy. I was away with my ex-husband and at the evening of the 6th /oct/2012 I had a call from my brother to tell me she was on the ICU, while i was preparing myself to travil my brother called me again to tell me she's fine and she's home and I have to see her .. The second i arrived home and found everyone crying my brain kinda snapped and I couldn't believe it .. I had a panic attack and my ex was there telling me that I have no one now but him then everything went black ... Since that day nothing is the same .. I dropped out of college , I got divorced after a couple of days , I cut off everyone and I spent the following year at home .. This year I had decided to get back to college and i did but the thing is nothing has any meaning to it, i've lost my interests and passion , nothing matters anymore.. I think of her every minute of everyday even after two painful years .. I can't shake this emptiness inside of me .. What am i suppose to do without my mom ?! Ps: my dad died when i was 5 so he wasn't part of my life really :/
  20. I have been following grieving.com on Facebook ever since I discovered it a couple of months back in the middle of the year while I was coping with my mom's passing. She was 69 and her death came as a shock to the entire family as she was hardly sick and was never once admitted to the hospital before for as long as I can remember. Then came one day on May 13, she was complaining of tummy bloatedness and we admitted her to the hospital immediately. They found a mass in her uterus but what unfolded after that was more dreadful discoveries. She had tumour in her rectum and the hospital was running one test after another to determine her primary cancer. However, she couldn't wait no more. She had an episode of sepsis when her colon ruptured on 28 May and the faecal matters entered her blood stream. She fell into a coma and never woke up. She finally left us on 30 may. It was a rude shock for the family having no time at all to react much. We didn't have a chance to care for her and take care of her like how other children could, taking care of their elderly parents. It's been months and I found comfort reading the postings on grieving.com to ease the pain at time. Recently, I took up the courage to enter a photo competition organised by a local cafe with the theme "making a difference". I had to submit a selfie taken with someone who made a difference in my life. I submitted a photo of mom and me, the one and only selfie that I had with her. I hope to win this contest in memory of my mom. This is my little way of managing my grief and also remember her. I wonder if I could trouble all of you to help support my effort? It is really simple. All you need to do is to like the organiser's page on FB and like my photo on FB. Below are the links. Step one- Like Cedele's FB page https://www.facebook.com/cedelesingapore Step two- Like my photo (Finalist 1) https://www.facebook.com/cedelesingapore/photos/ms.c.eJxl0MkRwCAMQ9GOMpY3TP~_NZblkkK5v~_MYAQ~;kUYhlsEn3hF8s4pPfeLEPVIyliXPXwmbcjWYc8RTnPKalKNix5RYKraJFicdnZ5fZwkjGZ099v3BcITAc~-.bps.a.10152851367913416/10152851369328416/?type=1&theater Once again, thank you for reading my lengthy post. Sometimes, sharing our thoughts and feelings is also a way of managing our grief. May you all find strength to go through the difficult episode you are facing and we will definitely meet our loved ones again someday. Hugs and kisses from Singapore
  21. Mom

    Mom. My mom passed away on September 9th after her long lost battle with pancreatic cancer. Of course losing a parent is hard for anyone at any age..I'm 20 years old and for me the lost of my mother is the hardest thing possible, I always told her that if she was to pass away I would end my life because I wouldn't know how to live without her. It's been two months since my mom passed and I'm trying the hardest I can do, I'm working everyday and working out at the gym everyday and knowing my mom is looking down on my with her biggest smile. I'm so happy that my mom..who was a very spiritual women is Home where she isn't sick anymore and isn't always in her bed. She's Home with all her teachers and spirit guides and her parents, she's home and watching over me and dancing in the spirit world! That makes me so happy, I hated when my mother was just laying in bed because that wasn't like her, that was the Cancer ruining her happy and outgoing side. Mom I miss you everyday and that feeling will never go away but I'm so happy that you're free from pain and watching and walking with me through my life. I really miss seeing you, cuddling you and doing everything with you. I know some people don't like when you say your parent was your "best friend" but mom you were and you always will be, my mom and my best friend. You never judged me and you did everything with me..you showed me the meaning of love and the meaning of being strong, which I'm always going to carry with me and teach my children. Thank you for being the strongest women I have ever met in my life, you're my angel forever and always. At times its hard to even think about the past, or about the holidays that are coming up soon..because you wont be there, but you will be. You'll be in every heart of everyone that's going to be around us for the holidays, you'll be watching over us and laughing with us. I love you, forever and always. <3
  22. I am experiencing some unusual emotions after losing my mom about one month ago. I lost her extremely suddenly and unexpectedly. I lived with my mom and dad and not having her here has been very very hard. I have been with my boyfriend now for about 2 years and he really is a great guy. We are both 21 years old. He has been at my side during my moms death and he is considered part of the family. Unfortunately, after my mom passed, i have been feeling very insecure about myself. I can feel myself becoming unreasonably irritated with him and i know i start arguments with him for no reason. I do not know why and i wish i could control myself but i really cant. I do not feel like myself and i think that if i were to break up with him i would be able to grieve my moms death without having to worry and stress over my relationship. i feel like a burden to him because he can go on in his life and be happy and i cannot. I really try to be my cheery self but i am a different person now. He does not ask me how i feel about my moms passing and i know he does that because he doesn't want me to be upset, but it just makes me resent him. I know he loves me and i love him too but this just feels like it is blocking me from being able to grieve. Even if i do break up with him, i don't know what my reasoning would be. I feel confused and I don't know why i am having these feelings. Has anyone else been in a relationship while grieving and felt this way too? Would it be beneficial for my mental health to be on my own?
  23. Hey there, I don't believe I've posted before...so I'll explain brief my situation... My mother passed away Sept 20th, 2013..so its been a bit over a year. She was only 49..just went to sleep and didn't wake up, a condition with her heart (ARVD I believe is what they called it). I was doing really badly the first year..just recently, things started looking up..for the first year, I barely cried...honestly lost myself in Prescription drug abuse...put myself in rehab in July, after Mom had passed away...I just self medicated until I was in a really bad place. Like I said, since I've been clean..things have been..better...as far as coping, but last night, I had a dream that just tore me up. In the dream..mom was standing in my driveway with me and she said "Its Halloween..you can come with me now, lets go"... (Basically like she was asking me to come...with her..if you get my drift, like..die. In the dream..I ran away from her, wouldn't "go with her", and she got upset...really upset. I woke up upset, riddled with guilt and feeling awful. =/ I guess it sounds stupid, that I'd feel guilty for not ya know..letting myself die in the dream, and I know that really WASNT mom..but...sigh =/
  24. I lost my beloved mom to suicide on April 26, 2014 and I miss her terribly. What's even worse is that the holidays are coming up and this will be the first time I will spend them without my mom. Why did she have to leave me like this? I feel like she went onto heaven and is happy as can be while I'm left here on earth as miserable as can be. I just don't understand it, at all. Does anyone have any advice, wisdom, or input? Regards, Sarah
  25. Hello, friends! The message you are about to read is going to be kind of depressing, so, y’know, you’ve been warned. On 4 May 2014, I lost a good friend of mine in a car accident. He’s my first friend to die and the only death in my young life I wasn’t prepared for. His death has severely impacted me to the point of me needing psychological help as well as a dog to make sure I get up every morning. Right after he died, I was far away from his friends and family, and even though I was able to visit everyone, I wasn’t able to stick around them and really get in some good conversations and general support while mourning. I felt and still feel completely alone a lot of the time, which is exactly the reason why I’m trying to create a show that deals with death and mourning. I love watching shows. I always have. I love shows so much, I want to write them for a living, and make other people as happy as television shows have made me. I kept thinking after I lost my friend, what would Cory Matthews do (Boy Meets World)? How would Will talk to Uncle Phil about this (Fresh Prince of Bel-Air)? What would Winnie say to Kevin (The Wonder Years)? What would the cartoon version of Lizzie MaGuire say (Lizzie MaGuire)? I had no answers, because these episodes do not exist. I’ve already written the pilot episode for the show I want to make about people grieving, that’s where you come in. I need your help. I need your stories about losing someone you care about. It can literally be anyone: mom, dad, sister, brother, cousin, best friend, child, PETS! You name it! Death affects us all tremendously, and I want to hear your stories! I know my friend’s death will affect me for the rest of my life. The other thing is, is that this show is going to be realistic. Not every episode has a happy ending, because life doesn’t always have happy endings. HERE’S WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR, FRIENDS! If you have struggled with drug addiction, alcoholism, or any kind of substance abuse since your loved one died, message me! LET’S BE ALL INCLUSIVE, YO! I want to write an episode in Spanish (Hablo español, amig@s!), and let’s also keep in mind that different cultures deal with death differently! I WANT TO REPRESENT AS MANY DIFFERENT CULTURES AS POSSIBLE!!! It doesn’t matter if you lost someone six months ago or thirty years ago, message me! I want your stories to be memorable. So this kind of requires you to be a pretty good story teller, and you have to tell me when my writing is nothing like you or you just don’t like it for whatever reason. If you gained stronger faith in your religion, or lost your religion, because of a dead loved one, message me! I wanna read or hear or see your stories. You may message me here or send me an e-mail at budbuland@gmail.com, tell me all about you and your deceased loved one. Writing an episode of a show based on you requires me getting to know you pretty well, so we’ll be e-mailing and probably calling and maybe even Skyping. You helping me to make an episode based on the loss in your life will be upsetting, I promise you. But wouldn’t it help others to have a guide of how to lose someone they love? That’s why I want to make this show. MESSAGE ME! I CAN’T WAIT TO READ ALL YOUR STORIES! Love forever, Bud