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  1. Three years ago on Christmas I had my second miscarriage of the year. On December 19th I was told the baby had no heartbeat. After many tears and a lot of cursing I left the office wondering how long I had until the miscarriage would start. I was married at the time and was not working. I went home and spent the next several days numb and fearful. I had a feeling in my gut that Christmas was the day. On Christmas eve my family gathered at my mother's house to celebrate. This particular year there was no joy. I had ruined everything. My mother and grandmother were crying upstairs. My father was chain smoking and stayed in the garage. My brother did not attend because he didn't want to "be a member of crazy town." Needless to say the party broke up early and my husband and I went home. At around 11:30 my pains started. I remember trying to find a cheerful movie to put on that I could listen to while all this was happening. I had settled on Sleeping Beauty and was just reaching for case when the whole thing started. My husband called my mother and went to bed. My mother arrived to find me in the bathroom sobbing in the bathtub. Nothing prepares you for the empty feeling you get where there once was life. Nothing prepares you for sadness and heartache. Nothing prepares you for this now horrible memory that never goes away. That this particular day on the calendar is the most dreaded of all 365. Everyone you speak to about it says it gets better. That the pain will lessen over time. But sometimes it just doesn't lessen or go away. And contrary to popular belief it is okay to hate the memory, the day, and the helpless hours spent crying and raging against the world. If you were pregnant for 15 minutes or 15 weeks you are still a mother. The only hard part is accepting you are a mother to a child who is not here on Earth. That you will never watch them grow from helpless baby to a functioning toddler. You wont get to watch them wait for Santa to come. But they are still a part of you. After these three years I am just as much a mother now as I was then, watching all my hopes and dreams slide away from me. So for once I will be honest. It hurts. It sucks and no one gets you because everyone feels different about things. It's okay to be mad and jealous at people with their bouncing bundles of joy. Lets be honest, all you have is a bouncing bundle of doubt. Doubt that you will get better and doubt that that next time it will all be okay. But again, its okay to feel that way.
  2. Hello

    Hello, this forum was introduced to the Grieving.com community so that those parents, grandparents, and friends could have a safe place to discuss the issues surrounding infant loss, stillborn and miscarriage issues. You can start a new topic by clicking the "Start New Topic" button on the right side of the page. To reply to a thread, just click the "Reply to this Topic". This will add a new thread that others can respond to. Sending gentle wishes to you. ******************************************************************************* Article below from the Still Standing Magazine which deals with bereavement issues, mainly of child loss. http://stillstandingmag.com/ The Complete List of Do’s and Don’ts When Supporting the Bereaved stillstandingmag.com/2015/02/complete-list-dos-donts-supporting-bereaved/ Author: Nathalie Himmelrich On rare occasions, I had ‘friends’ tell me versions of: “Wouldn’t it be time to move on?” or “You’ve got such a beautiful daughter, don’t you think it would be better for her to stop mentioning her twin sister or the topic of grief and loss?” Who hasn’t heard some version of the above? Have you? I find it hard when people tell me to change the way I feel. Especially when it’s people that haven’t experienced what I have. Every person surrounding us has their version of what healing after loss looks like. My version is called healthy grieving: I believe in integrating loss into my life, which allows for joy and sadness, reminiscing in the past and full present day laughter, remembering with mindfulness and gratitude. The Art of Presence There are lots of words written about what not to say in response to grief but not enough about how to respond to grief. Remember that this always needs to be applied with respect to the person’s culture and traditions. Things to say or do ~ Gavin Blue, President of Heartfelt Australia "Things that made most difference: dropping food at our door, taking Harry out to play… just being ok with how we were." First and foremost bereaved parents have shared with me that supporters should not feel obligated to say anything. What some call the “Art of Presence”, being there is all that is needed. However, should you feel compelled to say something, here are the three simplest things to say: I am sorry for your loss.I am here for you.I don’t know what to say, I’m at a loss for words.Whatever you do or say, remember these things: Acknowledge the parentsListen but do not try to fixEncourage and give them hopePractice the Art of Presence.The following points are an excerpt of my blog I wrote twenty months after Amya’s death. These are suggestions that help to acknowledge the grieving parents’ pain, journey, and responses. Use your own words or way of saying things. Asking questionsInquire how I’m doing, what I’m feeling. Don’t tell me “it must be hard” or “you must feel so awful.” Ask me, but don’t tell me. Ask again tomorrow and the day after tomorrow. Be gentle when asking, it needn’t be an interrogation. Suggestions:How are you coping?What kind of help would be supportive for you? (Make a couple of suggestions)May I bring some food over tonight?Would you like me to just be there with you?What did the doctor say?Do you have anyone you can talk to?I’m so sorryThis is the simplest and most appropriate sentence. It bridges any “I don’t know what to say” or “I’m lost for words” moment, any awkward silence that you might be tempted to fill with clichés. Don’t. Just say, “I’m sorry for your loss”. Show you careThe little messages “I’m thinking of you” on the anniversary of my daughter’s or my mother’s death mean a lot. I hear youI’ve been thinking of youYou are not alone – I am here for youI read your blogMy heart goes out to you.Recently I received a touching message from someone I don’t even know who told me how much my blog touched her. She was a 38-year-old identical twin who had lost her twin sister when they were 10 days old. I would have never known whom my writing touches if she hadn’t told me. Continue to interactI must have stunned many people into silence with my grief spell. It is okay to be contacting me again and again, even if I might not have the energy to hold long conversations. Social interactions are more tiring, yet I still crave to be with people. I am no longer the person I was pre “date with death” and as much as I sometimes want that person back, I have to deal with the New Me. Please try to do so, too. Accept meIt’s hard enough to be sad and depressed. I am learning to accept being what I am in any moment. If you can accept that too, you won’t need to make me feel better, offer me advice, solutions, or try to tickle me with humour. Please accept me as I am. Be with meThere doesn’t need to be much talking. Knowing that you are not afraid of being in my presence, no matter what, counts. Offer your presence even if by just holding my hand. Respect my space and my beliefsYou might believe in God or that, “It was meant to be this way.” Whatever it is, keep it to yourself. You cannot know where I stand in relation to your beliefs. Leave me with mine. Respect where I am with regard to what I believe or even where I might have lost any faith and trust. Acknowledge the dead personI do understand that you might fear my reaction if you speak about my baby or my mother. Do trust that by acknowledging or talking about them you honour their memory. Say their names. Respect that I won’t get over itI didn’t really understand the depth of grief before my personal experience. You do not need to understand it to accept and respect that holding my child in my arms as she passed isn’t something that I will get over. I am learning to live with it, whatever that means. Anything can and will trigger the grief and I don’t always know when or why… Tact and respectBy all means tell me about what is going on your life, no matter how trivial or devastating it might be. I can handle it if you handle my response with tact and respect. What I do not need at this moment are trivializations of women who got pregnant and didn’t even want to have another child or mothers who abort their baby because of its gender. Physical contact – hugsThere are times when I am very sensitive and do not want to be touched. Please consider asking before you want to give me a hug. The Art of PresenceBe there, not merely in the moment of crisis. Walk alongside me in the months and years to come. Allow me my process of healing. Sit with me in the moments of painful emotions and the darkness of depression. It is an illusion that in times of crisis people need space. Respect someone’s wish, if they tell you so. Otherwise, be present. ¸.•´*¨`*•✿ ✿ ✿•*´¨*`•.¸ The things not to say or do Time It does not matter whether you allow the grieving parent more or less time than they need or make suggestions on what should be difficult or not – comments like those mentioned below are unhelpful as they lead to self-judgment or guilt about the situation experienced. Time heals all wounds.It will get better with time.The first year is the hardest.Take your time.DestinyAny suggestion on where or how the baby is now or what his or her destiny should or shouldn’t be are wild guesses or assumptions. For any mother or father there is no better place for their child than in their arms now and for eternity. He is in a better place.She was not meant to suffer any longer.It was for the best.Better it happened now than in x amount of time (days, weeks, months, years).Parent’s feelingsRefrain from assuming you know how the grieving parent feels. You can’t know that. These comments cut like a knife. There is nothing that compares to parental grief. I know how you feel.It must be hard.You must feel terrible!Beliefs and spiritualityDo not share your beliefs even if you think you follow the same religion or spiritual practices. The grieving parents might not be in a place to feel the same way about their religion or spirituality following the loss. Keep your religious beliefs, spiritual ideas, or ideologies to yourself. God needed a special angel.It was God’s plan.It was meant to be this way.It was his life’s plan.She did what she came here to do and it was her time to go.How to grieveSuggestions on how to grieve and/or heal are ill-considered. They are based on the assumption that you know better on how to deal with the grief than the parents. Even if you have lost a child yourself, remember that every parental grief is based on their individual story, the meanings, and beliefs they have. You just need to get back to your old self.Chin up!Distract yourself.You need to… (followed by any suggestion).ComparisonsEach trauma needs to be respected in its uniqueness. Every parent’s loss needs to be heard as its own story and with full attention. There is nothing that compares to the loss of a child. I know how you feel, I lost my grandmother (or dad or pet).I can imagine how hard it must be.ClichésSay nothing or “I don’t know what to say” instead of any platitude. Life goes on.It will be all right.There is a reason for everything.It’s all for the best.You should…References to what they should be happy about, think about, or do instead are uncalled for. Whether it is fact or not is unimportant. The fact is the parents are mourning the loss of their child. You have two other children.At least you had your child for x number of years.You should think about your husband.Thoughtless phrasesBe mindful of what may slip out of your mouth without thinking. You might be shaking your head in disbelief at these statements below. Trust me, we have all heard them. Better to say nothing at all. How are things at home?Was she in pain?Have another baby!You can have other children!You’re kidding!That’s not good!InterpretationsOver-interpreting, trying to make sense of the inexplicable or finding reasons why the baby or child has died are not helpful. Every parent experiences the why question looping in their mind. Don’t add your thoughts; leave them to work on that. Maybe it was because… (filling in your reasons why).Let me fix youPlease do not try to fix, or make suggestions on what to do. The grieving parent only knows what it means to lose a child and what they want or do not want to do or be at this specific time in their grieving journey. You need to keep yourself busy.Distract yourself!You need some time to yourself.You need to look after her (said to the husband).Silver liningLeave any silver linings out of conversations with parents. If the grieving parent speaks them, it is their prerogative. It is not yours. It’s all for the better.At least . . . did not suffer.You have 3 other beautiful children.You’re lucky it was early on (in case of a miscarriage).You are so strong.¸.•´*¨`*•✿ ✿ ✿•*´¨*`•.¸
  3. New here: we lost our baby girl

    We found out on Saturday, June 17, 2011, the day before Father’s Day, that I was pregnant! After confirmation by three home pregnancy tests – and the sudden and prominent onset of morning all-day sickness – we called our families on Father’s Day to share the exciting news. Everyone was soooo excited…this would be the first grandchild on both sides of the family! We hadn’t been “trying”…we just weren’t trying to prevent it. I honestly never thought at our age (41 + 42 at the time) that it would ever happen…I was so overjoyed and excited! We both were. We got a referral from a friend to an ob/gyn and had our first appointment less than a week later. I was really disappointed that they didn’t do an ultrasound that day, but they explained that my hCG levels had to be 2,000+ and the Dr. didn’t think they would be high enough yet so they had to wait for the bloodwork to come back to find out. This was on a Friday and they scheduled us to go back on Monday, either for an ultrasound or more blood work, depending on the hCG level. On Monday when we arrived they whisked us straight into an ultrasound room. I said, “I guess my hCG level was over 2,000?” She laughed and said, “Um, yeah. 108,000!” Yep. Definitely pregnant. I don’t think anything can prepare you for the way you feel when you first see your baby, heart beating and all, on the monitor. Though I expected to see it, I still cried from such an overwhelming sense of joy. A new, tiny little life! Inside me!! It was just so amazing. My husband was equally overwhelmed and so happy. And hearing the heartbeat…it was so strong, and so fast! It was truly the best sound I’ve ever heard in my life. They gave us an original due date of February 9th, 2012, and after the ultrasound she said the baby measured 7 weeks, 4 days, which put us at February 12. Because the dates were less than a week apart, they explained that we’d keep the original due date of February 9. Over the next few weeks our life really changed. We started making plans for the nursery, started our baby registry, picked out baby names, bought maternity clothes, and our baby’s first little outfit. We talked with our parents – the grandparents – about plans over the next year for holidays, visits, etc. We looked at life insurance options and discussed who would be named in our will as a guardian(s) of our child should something happen to us. I researched childcare options. It was glorious. I was horribly sick allllllllll the time, and my husband had to fend for himself each night at dinner time because I couldn’t cook (the smells….ewwwwwww) but we didn’t mind. It was all for a great cause. We went to see the perinatologist for the first time about a month later for our NT scan (an ultrasound that looks for abnormalities in the baby). We had genetic counseling first and learned that I am not a carrier for Cystic Fibrosis, SMA, or Fragile X; all great news. We went through both our families’ health histories, which are free of just about everything – and basically the outcome was that we were at a low risk for any abnormalities – other than the higher risk due to our age. We were feeling great…so excited to see the baby again! We went in to the ultrasound room, and the moment she scanned the baby I knew something was wrong. I just froze and braced myself. I couldn’t speak. I could not breathe. The baby looked too small. She was all curled up, and not moving. There was no heartbeat. The tech was silent, and kept scanning. She finally said, “I have to get the Dr. to confirm, but I’m not finding a heartbeat.” She walked out and my husband reached over and grabbed my hand. I will never forget the look on his face. He was destroyed. We were destroyed. The doctor confirmed that there was no heartbeat and said the baby measured only about 9 weeks, which meant that she had died about two weeks prior. She would have been 11 weeks gestation the next day. He said the baby most likely had an abnormality that was incompatible with life, and that there was nothing we could have done to prevent this. He explained that I could either have a D&C, or I could wait until my body passed the baby and surrounding tissues on its own. The next day to my pre-op appointment. I would have my D&C the next day at the hospital. I thought I would be delivering my baby there…I certainly never imagined I would be going there for this. It was really, really hard walking in there for the surgery…and past Labor & Delivery. At times I just feel so sad and so empty. I miss my baby so much. It hits me in waves; often when I least expect it. She'd be two and a half now, had she survived.
  4. i dont know where to start, like what do you write when you don't know how you feel? i found this site and read some of the storys which made me want to write and share my story. also can anyone relate to my story? 3 years ago i had the prefect little family, my mum, my dad and me. it was always the 3 of us, family holidays, family dinners, just spending time to get there. but of course not everything always prefect, every family has it up and downs, someone tell me what family doesn't?. my bad luck started in February 2011 when mum took serious unwell and got taken into hospital, it was only meant to be stomach bug but it turn out to be bowel cancer, the big C, it run in our family my auntie had passed away in 2009 with bowel cancer, this scared us. but still my mum was as strong as ever and battle through it right up until the start of april 2012 but then her health started getting worse by the mintue. she sadly lost her battle to cancer on the 23rd of April 2012 at the hospice. my world fell apart, it was just me and my dad from now on and one of us had to be strong. i was 17 years old when i lost my mum. My dad was heartbroken, he was lost, he had lost his soul mate. it broke my heart saying goodbye to my mum but at the same time i was a good thing (i feel bad saying that ) but she wasnt in pain anymore that the way i seen it, i didnt have to watch my mum in pain, or losing her hair. or watch how tired she would get after chemo. but still losing my mum was hard, it broke me. my dad and i became a team it was just us so we made things work, i went back to college/work and my dad went back to work, things slowly started getting better, when mum first anninvsary had was coming the feeling changed we both didnt know what to say or do, we hadnt done her ashes, a whole year had passed and she was still gone she wasnt coming back. you could tell that my dad still missed her loads. but then i fell pregnant april 2013, my boyfriend and i were over the moon, we had been going since 2011 and my dad was over the moon, i think i gave him something to look forward to, his first grandchild. we told him after my first scan when we knew everything was fine. it was just before i was meant to go on holiday in august with my dad , we were finiding out the if the baby was boy or girl, that my boyfriend and i found out that my little baby had died at 17 weeks and i never knew. my heart was broken. my dad and boyfriend were broken. my little baby was the best new we had, then it was gone. as if it was over before it started (if that make sense). a holiday was best thing ever. i need away from everything. i focus on my college work and focus on getting better for the sake of my dad, even though i was mess inside someone had to be strong. my boyfriend and i had fought so much after losing our little baby that we both agreed it was best to remain just friend. i need to sort myself, drink became my best friend, it had taken any heartbroken away. christmas came and it was good just like any normal christmas, i had my mum family around me , my dad was working. i spent christmas and new year with my family away from everything else. mum birthday is new year eve so it was hard after she died but i always kept myself busy. 2 January 2014, the day history was going to repeat itself, i rememeber getting the phone call that my dad had been taken into hospital, he was seriously unwell had been for months but wouldnt go to the doctors about. when i had got the hosptial he was getting taken for scans, bloods were getting done to find out what was wrong. i rememeber having to wait a whole day to find out what wrong with him.. friday 3rd january 2014, i rememeber when my dad told me it was cancer, i cried an cried. HISTORY REPEATING IT SELF that what i thought, expect it wasnt. i didn't have a year and half to preapre myself because dad got worse over 5 days, sadly on the 8th january 2014 he died. 5 WHOLE DAYS he got worse so quickly then he was just gone. so basically im an 19 year old girl, lost both my parents, lost a child and is wondering if it okay to fall apart? i dont know what to do with myself anymore. i never felt so lost in my life.